"You're making it really fucking hard to not smile and, like, melt or something." And that wasn't right because he shouldn't be feeling good about himself or blushing or smiling because he was trying to apologize. He'd been stupid. He'd done something wrong. Maybe feeling his own feelings wasn't wrong but the way he handled it was. He shouldn't have shut down the way he did. He shouldn't have just gone quiet and he certainly shouldn't have avoided the other.
Fear had been an excuse for too long. No matter how many times Richie told him he was brave it didn't change facts. It didn't change the fact that Eddie had always wanted to stand up to his mother and have more of a say in what he could and couldn't do. He'd wanted to live his own life free of pills and inhalers. He wanted to run and play in the dirty and just... be a normal kid. A normal teenager. A normal young adult. He never had. It didn't change the fact that he'd thought several times about leaving Myra after his mother's death when she was no longer around to disappoint but, again, never had. He'd been too afraid to leave, too unsure of himself and the world around him. Those stumbles backwards didn't make him feel very brave.
But fear couldn't keep being an excuse and, if it did, it certainly shouldn't keep being forgiven. He knew that. Richie was scared too but he was handling it all so much better. He was trying. He was putting forth the effort. It wouldn't be fair if Eddie didn't do the same.
"I will!" He insisted. "I just... I couldn't. I didn't even know why the fuck it was upsetting me. Just that it did and it was probably fucking stupid." And talking about it would've helped. He knew that. He just didn't want to talk. He hadn't even really talked to Stan that first night. He'd just walked with him and let Stan get excited about birds. He'd talked to Bill but hadn't wanted to at first. He'd made an ass of himself during that whole conversation. He should've known better than to pull that shit with Richie though. He knew how that would hurt and, really, hurting Richie was always the last thing he wanted.
It was nice to hear that Richie still loved him even after he'd been such an idiot. "I hoped you still would." He murmured before leaning in and pressing his lips to Richie's. Normally he would've complained about the fact that Richie probably hadn't brushed his teeth but the other sort of deserved a little slack.