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Eddie Kaspbrak (ekaspbrak) wrote in snapthread,

"I was always afraid I was being a little obvious so I'd be a little shit to even things out." He admitted because how could his odd way of affection be taken any other way? How could Richie be sat on and slapped in the face with his foot and not realize that Eddie was in love with him? "I was sure you were just going to get tired of my bullshit one day and just call me out." He wouldn't know what to do then. If Richie had ever actually gotten angry at Eddie's brand of affection and asked what his deal was... what would he do? How could he have ever hoped to explain himself and save the friendship? He couldn't. He knew that. Either Richie assumed he hated him and pulled back completely because he didn't fucking need it or he told the other boy everything and Richie hated him for it.

Maybe if Derry had been a better town, if adults had actually given a shit and creeps like Bowers and his gang weren't allowed to beat up or carve their names into people things would've been different. Maybe they could've said something to each other. Maybe they wouldn't have had to hide.

Because the subject was heavy for both of them, because the contact was there and Eddie would always prefer making Richie smile he nudged the other with his foot. Just to get his mind off the things they couldn't change.

This time the joke was appreciated. This time Eddie actually laughed a little, though he did his best to cover it by putting a hand over his mouth. His eyes still sparkled with the laughter. "Same." He said because, yes, here he could see it. He knew that Myra was a carbon copy of his mother. That he'd married his mom and fallen back into a pattern of letting other people dictate who he was and how he should behave. A pattern that he would never let himself consider too much because it came with the idea that, maybe, it was abusive in a way. Eddie wasn't ready to focus on that.

"I'm..." And he struggled with the word. Struggled with the confession because it had been easy to kiss and to say he was in love but so much harder to label himself. "Gay." He managed. "I thought I could change it. I thought if I listened to my mother and married Myra I could fix myself and not be... but I am."