Mr. Crowley
Well, "all of it", that sums it up pretty neatly, but mainly - the people you want to keep safe, and the frustration at not being able to. When I died, it was one of those situations where there was no real way out of it, it would either be me or someone I loved, and no matter what had been happening in the last handful of years, I never would have let it be him. Never. But I also wanted to be the only casualty; the team I left behind, my friends, they were trying to - for lack of poetry, get a do-over on the apocalypse, and in the last couple days, we've found out that they pulled it off, but it cost another friend his life. It's not that I think I could have prevented it, if I'd been there, but it's that same feeling, that - sense that there were things I owed and fates I wanted to prevent, and I'm angry that what I did wasn't enough.
So. Yes. It would be easier to not be concerned.
But I also lived a pretty long time with no concerns. Loneliness, though I don't know if I would have called it that. There are a lot of things - people, person - I would have missed, if I'd stayed out of it. I think I'm still in a space where I'm trying to remember that it was worth it, even with all the awful things that come along wrapped up in it. The specific memories, and feelings, and people, that had to be worth the mess.
I'm sorry, I went on a little bit there. Apparently it's easier to say that to someone new than it is the people who already know me.