I wish I could explain it in a way that doesn't sound self-deprecating. I don't mean to say that I've never had friends, or I've never had people who cared about me back in the place I'm coming from. I'm not saying that no one ever felt affection for me, or close to me. But there's a difference, I think, in being a consistent presence in people's lives and being valued for reasons outside of - usefulness. Does that make sense?
And it's still different, here. It's different with you, even, maybe because we can be friends close-up and in person more frequently, instead of a lot of long-distance communication. I was lonely. I never would have called it that, but that's what it was.
I've felt sad here, sometimes. I've felt sorrow, and grief, and I've felt frustration. But I've never felt lonely. And I don't think I realized how bad it had gotten until it was suddenly missing.