I really like the style here -- erudite, but just that much overwrought and overdone; Tom tries too hard with his style just as he has been trying too hard since his schooldays. No wonder he's frustrated, when he compares his struggles and effort to the way that things seem just to be given to people like the Malfoys.
The parallels and contrasts are very effective: silver/white, shining star Abraxas versus the velvet darkness of Regulus and, of course, of the Dark Lord himself. The links that Tom sees between himself and Severus, so of course he can't really see Severus at all, since he sees only the mirror of himself.