Author: pekeleke Pairing: Severus Snape/Harry Potter Word Count: 6140 Rating: N-17 Summary: Four years after the final battle Severus Snape wakes up to HELL! Warning(s): Strong language. A/N: First snarry fic, ever. English is not my mother tongue so mistakes are to be expected. Beta: None Disclaimer: The characters used in this fiction are not mine. No money is being made from it.
THE VOICE UNDER ALL SILENCES. Chapter 20
' I'd love to take you flying '
That worrisome statement forced him to avert his dark gaze from the rather fat cloud that he'd been idly contemplating. He turned his head around and looked at the boy who, with both hands carelessly intertwined through his fingers, was still looking up at the sky: head cushioned in the small dip between his interlocked palms. Eyes alive with wishful longing...
' You forget that I've seen you fly, Mr. Potter. You do that even more carelessly than you drive!. I've recently decided that I'm much too young to die, after all!'
That wild mass of hair jerked around. Tanned expression loosing all signs of contemplative tranquillity to focus on his own face, with a sharpness that startled him. ' Really?. You've no idea of how glad I am to hear you say that! '
If he hadn't before, the blinding brilliance of the smile that had just erupted, on that young face, out of seemingly... nowhere!... would have certainly clued him up!. ' You make it sound as if I've been suicidal, or something equally ridiculous! '
' Weren't you, Severus?. It was your own wish to remain lost the one to cause us the most trouble, when it came to bring you back!. And when we finally managed that, you were constantly on edge!. Absolutely miserable!... Your desire to be punished was so strong that the Felix Felicis landed us straight into that vile charade of hate-filled revenge, for Godric's sake! '
He could tell that the auror was upset. Truly, inescapably, blatantly agitated by their conversation. It was obvious in the slight harshness that turned his voice colder, with every word he pronounced. Plain to see in the ever-increasing rigidity of his body. Absolutely crystal-clear in the sudden, jerky push of nervous, calloused fingers, through the wildness of that dark and spiky hair...
Severus's left eyebrow rose towards his temple and he blinked, truly disconcerted, as the gryffindor rose suddenly, turning lengthwise towards him, and proceeded to hover uncomfortably close to his face, examining him with unnerving intensity.
Not knowing what else to do, he stared straight up: into those seemingly endless pools of deep emerald, and felt weirdly flustered. Uneasy. Almost breathless with anxious trepidation.
' You do look much happier now, Severus. More settled. Your health is improving. A bit too slowly for Healer Jone's taste, but it is definitely improving!... I was so worried about you, in those first few weeks. I think all of us were!. You were so... suspicious of everyone!. Of everything!... It was very difficult to help you!, but it was even worse watching you flail, while we were all right there: ready to catch you, if you needed it. Waiting for you to lean on us! '
He swallowed thickly. Every word settling, with the weight of a slab of granite, within his chest. He'd never tried to see those early days through anybody else's eyes but his own!. Now he wondered just how hard things had really been for those around him: For Luc and Cissy. For Draco... The image of a pale-faced Poppy Pomfrey: plump cheeks shiny with clear tears, flashed through his mind's eye, for some reason, and he shuddered uneasily.
He attempted to shift his head slightly away. Trying to put a smidgen more of distance between their faces, but the boy's head simply followed his own. He was extremely uncomfortable with how close they both were. With how intently that green gaze was settled upon him. With how very clearly he could perceive the faint aroma of Potter's aftershave. Feel the warm puffs of air the boy exhaled, with every single breath he took, against the side of his cheek and neck, like some kind of soft, ghostly caress.
' Those days are over, I think. As impossible as it might sound, I do believe that I am now on the way to recovery. I've made my peace with the idea that this strange life that I'm living now, no matter how unexpected it might be, is real!. It's not a trick of yours. Not a trap at all!. It's just... different from what I was expecting. Better, in many ways!.
I'm glad I survived to see this. Glad that you won, in the end, Mr. Potter. Glad that you managed to live, too!, despite the odds against you!. There!, I've said it now, all right?. I hope it won't be necessary for us to have this conversation ever again, if you don't mind!. I want to look forwards now, not back. I think I'm sick of the past!, and this is too beautiful a day to spoil it with dark memories of war...! '
Potter's eyes turned even softer and a smile that was tender enough to make him truly fret curved the edges of those young lips. A daring index finger had the audacity of pushing a single lock of long, dark hair, away from his temple and he had to struggle, in order to swallow the ever-growing lump that had decided to log itself inside his damaged throat.
' I suppose you have a point there, Severus!. I don't want to spoil our lovely morning with any more gloominess, either... So, what do you say to my idea of taking you up for a spin?. I promise I won't drop you!. I'll even go as far as giving you my word that I shall not speed!. We'll keep low, if you want!. Just... let me take you up! Please?... '
He was uncomfortable with the amount of longing he could plainly see within those verdant orbs. It was patently obvious that the gryffindor felt strongly about this crazy plan of his, but... ' I was never a strong flier, Mr. Potter. I don't really enjoy the activity as much as you do!. I've seen you airborne before... I don't think it fair to spoil your delight in something you are quite excellent at, and obviously adore, in order to accommodate the fears of a reluctant companion!. Better if you indulge by yourself!. I shall be perfectly fine here, with my cloud-watching and my book! '
It was obvious almost instantly that his answer had fallen short of whatever it was that the child had hoped to hear. The green eyes closed very briefly, almost as if to hide a sudden flare of unconcealable pain, and the sunny smile that had graced those lips dimmed noticeably.
The sharp inhalation that preceded the short, uneasy silence that followed, brought a worried sort of dread to Severus's mind. Insecurity rose within him, and he wondered if this would be the moment when the child finally realised that an aged, bitter ex-Death Eater, wasn't worthy enough to become friends with the shiny, precious Saviour of the Wizarding World!.
' What if I want to share, professor?. Would it be so awful to grant me this one instant of blind faith?. I love flying!. It's one of my favourite pastimes!. Something that relaxes me!. Something that has never lost its magic, in my mind, no matter how many greater, far more wonderful sights I've been regaled with!. Flying is something that touches me!. It's something that defines me, in a way!. It is a very big part of who I am and what I like!. It's something that I want... No. No!, I'm not saying this right... It's something that I need to share with you! '
He could not decide if he felt more threatened by the passionate intensity of the tone or by how great was his desire to actually allow himself to gift his cooperation to the child!.
He'd never been one for doing anything that he'd been reluctant to commit to, no matter what anyone else said or did about it!. Regardless of what Lily might have thought, peer pressure had never managed to bend his strong will in any significant way!. He'd gone dark because he'd been fascinated with defensive sorcery!. He'd followed Luc, into the Lord's service, because he'd believed it'll eventually bring him fortune!... He'd never before desired to... put another's wishes before his own!. Definitely not when those wishes were so out of his own comfort zone that they fell, squarely!, on top of an actual pet peeve of his!.
' I don't think you understand just how much I detest flying, Potter!. You'll regret this silly insistence of yours. We'll both regret it! '
The boy chuckled and the strange heaviness of the moment shattered into a million tiny fragments of stillborn possibilities. ' You are so cautious... I've never met another man as reluctant to accept the possibility of failure as you are!. If we end up not enjoying ourselves it won't be such a disaster, Severus!. Not everything you do has to be perfect, you see?. This is about... trying something that I like, because I want you to. It's about the idea of you giving me the opportunity to show you something I value!. You don't have to love it!. You are even allowed to hate it, but you have to try it first!. I want to know how it feels to fly with you beside me!. I'll have the memory of it forever, afterwards, you see?. Even if you only come with me this once, I could still close my eyes, while I'm up there, and imagine we are together!. '
He did not know how he should respond to that particularly odd statement. It was one more in a long row of comments just like it!. He fidgeted uncomfortably, attempting to ignore the fact that it had been uttered. That the tone Potter had used had been strangely... wishful!. That there was something truly mystifying happening between them!...
He couldn't help the feeling that there was more to the auror's idiotic request than met the eye. He could not understand the point of it, really. Could not fathom why the boy would make it into so big a deal!.
It was curious, though, and he frowned as he studied the child warily. Conscious, for the first time, of the fact that their little flying trip seemed to be important enough, for the other man to have suddenly turned into a gryffindor-shaped bunch of frayed nerves!.
There was a stillness to his companion, an almost breathless suspension of all animation, that alerted him to the fact that the boy... the boy was preparing himself for a negative response!. He seemed crushed, somehow. Forlorn and sad. The very sight of that down-turned head brought in Severus a very distinctive need to alleviate that inexplicable misery... He frowned as his mind toyed with the unthinkable concept of agreeing, and a sigh that was half-expectation-of-disaster, half-reluctant-surrender rent the air.
' Fine!. But if you drop me, Potter!... I swear that I shall find a way to make you pay, until the end of time!. A very painful and embarrassing way! '
The boy laughed, so much and so brightly, that the sound attracted the attention of the few people enjoying the quietude of the park, alongside them. Curious looks were sent their way, looks that the boy ignored blatantly but that Severus himself could not dismiss.
He felt, sometimes, exposed, whenever they stepped out of the house together. He didn't know what the muggles made of them and the idea that they must look very strange together, didn't seem to want to leave him!.
They shared dinner out occasionally. Strolls along the park. Shopping trips... He wondered if everyone around them thought them to be father and son. They certainly wouldn't look like two old friends, enjoying each other's company!. The difference between their ages was too obvious for that assumption to take root in any one's mind!.
Potter's unusually caring behaviour could give weight to the idea that they were family, only... There were times when the auror touched him quite... softly. Too softly, really!. There were times when the youth shattered the illusion of platonic... anything!... with some blatant, obviously unrestrained action that would hint at them being something other than merely familiar. Something other than friends, too. Something other altogether!...
Potter rose, still laughing. Seemingly truly unaware of the odd looks he had garnered and dusted himself quickly off. A contented sigh halted the laughter as he turned around to look up, towards the sky, with the focused attention of a man able to read the future itself on the harmless mounds of clouds.
' We'll have wonderful weather for this!. There's very little wind and it's warm enough for you not to get too cold up there!. I'll apparate us to a secluded field I found a while back. It's under Fidelius, you see?. Very private. Protected. No one will see us or disturb us there, Severus!. It'll be just the two of us, I promise! '
A bright face turned to examine his own, then. Eager bright eyes alive with the kind of pleasure that he himself often found in brewing. There was an unsettling kind of significance to this moment. To these actions. To the fact that he was allowing himself to... go along with the auror's crazy plans, for the sole purpose of making the boy... happy!.
He could not ignore the fact that this... friendship of theirs was evolving into something truly strong. Something more important than it should be. Something that he valued, maybe too much, for his own good!
Was there any possibility of diluting the terrifying strength of his... attachment to this youth, somehow?. He doubted it!, and that very fact managed to make him break into a cold sweat!. He was suddenly very afraid. Mind wary, with the instinctive certainty that he was rushing into total, ruinous disaster!. He had never truly managed to retain a gryffindor's regard for long!. They had all, eventually, dismissed him. Or betrayed him. Or demanded impossible, painful things from him!...
' Severus? '
He returned to Earth upon hearing that puzzled, worried rendition of his own name. Dark eyes clashed with green and he saw the child's hand, extended towards him: palm up, as if in preparation to help haul him into a standing position.
After a second of very obvious doubt, he sat before allowing himself to place his cold palm into the wide, tanned one belonging to the auror and felt fingers: too warm. Too strong. Concerned... close around his own with careful gentleness.
He'd expected the boy to pull him up immediately, but those legs bent down instead. Bringing Potter into a kneeling position, directly in front of him. Anxious features searched his. Gentle fingers retaining their tender hold over his hand, as if they would never let him go!. Never abandon him!...
' Severus, are you all right?. You are as cold as ice! '
He was embarrassed by how weak he felt. By how unsettled he'd become with the idea that he was far more attached to the child than he should be!. To his utter dismay, he started trembling then, so strongly, that it became plainly visible to his companion. His teeth rattled and his whole frame shook, in some kind of bizarrely emotional panic-attack that he was totally unable to control!.
Potter swore under his breath. Green eyes darkening with something so very close to sorrow-tinged understanding, that it felt as if the boy could truly see inside of him!. His eyes closed and his head lowered, attempting to bar all contact between their minds. Attempting to make himself blind to anything that might inform him of the fact that he was being held in safety. With mercy. That this wasn't the time or place when Lily's child would break him... because this boy would break him. Someday!. He'd leave, just like his mother had done before him, and then... then he'd lose this!. All of it!. Forever!...
' Severus?. SEVERUS!. You've got to open your eyes and look at me, OK?. I don't know what's wrong with you, but you are really frightening me! ' There was a pained, troubled urgency to his companion's request that reached him clearly. He didn't wish to worry the boy!. He didn't wish to upset him!.
The morning had been so pleasant, until now, that it was a shame to spoil it with this shameful, utterly ridiculous bout of indulgent self-doubt!. His eyes shot open, then: dark, like polished ebony. Beautiful and frightened. But also determined to push forward, no matter how painful or hard. No matter how strongly his own instincts shouted at him to find shelter. To halt this thing, that was growing way too fast between them both, before he got himself burned!...
Following those instincts had lead him absolutely nowhere in the past!. He had no intention of listening to them this time around!. But having come to that particular decision seemed to be easier said than done!.
' I... I am very sorry, Mr. Potter!. I seem to be a bit... ' He tried to find a word to fit his thoughts. Any word!. But he couldn't find a single one to explain this that would not, also, require him to expose his weakening insecurities right along with it!. How could he open himself up that much?... How could he not?...
His wan features lost all color at the prospect. Long dark hair blew in the breeze, plastering itself along the bony ridges of his cheekbones and giving his already ashen face the impression of having been carved out of inanimate wax.
Potter's knees shuffled forwards and his hand finally released Severus's own, as the auror brought both palms up, to frame the slytherin's shattered face, with the same kind of delicate tenderness one would use to hold the fragile beauty of exquisitely spun glass. Rough tipped thumbs brushed a long lock of hair away from his eyes as that emerald gaze focused, intently, on his own. ' What is it, Professor? '
He could feel those palms warming the skin of his own, icy, cheeks. Anchoring his consciousness to this moment in time. To his man who now held him. To these eyes who refused to let go of his own gaze...
He tried to swallow, but found himself almost choking on the bitterness that rose from deep within him. He was furious with himself!. He was beyond incensed with his own, maudlin thoughts!...
He was here: single-handedly ruining, their perfectly beautiful morning, for no reason at all!. He suddenly discovered that he could not abide his own... perfectly unacceptable cowardice!. His lips opened and he exhaled in a rush. Visage ashen and eyes wide, as he dared to utter exactly what he thought: out, into the open!: ' I... I am afraid, Mr Potter!... I am desperately afraid!'
Those hands pressed against the sides of his face even more carefully. His head was tilted very slightly, in order to bring his eyes into a more direct contact with the boy's concerned ones.
' You are scared of flying?... Nothing bad is going to happen to you, Severus!. I'd never take you up, if I thought I couldn't handle your safety! ' His hair kept getting in the way and the child kept brushing it off his eyes gently. Every time Potter did that, his slightly rough finger-pads seemed to brand Severus's own face with an indelible mark of warmth. Of fire...
He was being opened and re-aligned in this moment. Turned inside out and re-formed. He was being held, as vulnerable and broken as he truly was, for the first time!. He was being accepted without veils. Without disguise. He was being allowed to... show himself unmasked!...
He'd regret it if he allowed the boy to misunderstand what he'd just meant. He'd lose something precious, something he could not even understand fully himself, if he allowed Potter to carry on believing that he feared flying, for a second longer!...
Terror seized him, then. Terror of the mind-numbing, utterly paralysing kind!. He was contemplating doing the unthinkable here!: He was about to play with his heart, in the most reckless manner!. He was about to risk his own safety, for the promise of a friendship that might not last beyond a moment!. He was about to trust the son of his worst enemy with his very fragile, inner core...
He shuddered with anxiety. Distressed and horrified with himself. His eyes widened impossibly. His pulse thundered, with force enough to sicken him completely, but he swallowed thickly and parted his lips. Determinedly ignoring his own instincts to retreat, he pushed himself further. Stepped out: into the dark, bottomless abyss that awaited him!:
' I am afraid of you and I, Potter!. I am unsettled by the depth of this friendship of ours!. I do not want to allow you entry into my world, only to find you gone tomorrow!. I don't think I have the strength to play those kinds of games!. Not any longer!.
I've always trusted very sparingly!. I'm a very difficult and bitter old man, one who doesn't have much in common with you!. We both belong to very different worlds. We hold opposing values!. I can't help but think that we won't last beyond the month, not really!, and I wonder... I wonder If it wouldn't be better for this friendship of ours to end right here!. Before it grows any deeper!. Before it becomes something that you have no intention, at all!, of pursuing and I can't bear to lose!...'
The silence that followed those words could have killed him with its tension alone. Potter's face was oddly chalky. He seemed frozen into position, like a kneeling, devoted vassal, and those eyes shone with a fire that seemed undecided between becoming openly enraged or darkening with rueful, terrifyingly disarming understanding.
A sigh escaped the child's lips. A warm puff of moistened air that fell, like some sort of benediction, over Severus's upturned, trapped face. His eyes closed then, for he was unable to stare at that tangled mass of hurt, relief, startled-but-cautious joy and sheer, murderous anger, that seemed to be swirling, with ever-increasing strength, within the verdant pools of Potter's bright gaze.
The hands that held his face gentled even more, if that was possible. Thumbs caressed his temple carefully. Noticeably. Tenderly... and he blinked his eyes open, once again, into the silence. Potter smiled at him, then. Killed him with tenderness. Allied his every fear without a single word having been uttered...
' I don't play games like those, either, professor. Not when it comes to you!. I don't know what exactly spooked you this badly, but you have to understand, this very instant, that I am not my mother!.
I'm aware that you loved her very deeply and that you don't really see her as I do!. It hurts me, more than you'll ever know, to tell you this, Severus, but it's the truth: She betrayed you, in the worst possible manner!. She let you down, when you needed her support the most, and she had the actual gall of blaming it all on you!.
She chose, between her best friend and the boy she liked, when she shouldn't have allowed my father to force her into that!. She was not worthy of you!: She. Was. Not!. And I won't live in her shadow or pay for her mistakes. Not when it comes to us!.
I'm here for myself!. As myself!. I will not replace her. Or become a copy of her!, because I AM NOT HER!. That means that I won't let you go!. Not ever!. Not for any reason!. Least of all in order to allow you to surrender to this truly unnecessary, deep insecurity of yours!... '
He felt broken by those words. But also saved. He'd been worried by the suspicion that Potter wanted him to re-enact his old childhood friendship with his mother!. He hadn't realised, until this very moment, just how much of a weight the very idea had placed on his shoulders. He didn't think he could replicate the same naive affection he'd once bestowed upon Lily!.
He'd been a child when he met her. He'd had the hopes of a child!. He'd tried to find solace, acceptance and plain, old fashioned understanding in her!. He'd come to realise that he'd asked too much of her and she hadn't to be able to deliver!... He'd been a wounded child, but she herself had been not, and she hadn't been able to understand his almost compulsive clinginess to their attachment!. His need to keep their friendship to themselves. His reluctance to share her with any others!...
In his misguided attempt to keep her with him, forever!, he'd only managed to lose her!... and the sting of having been abandoned by her had never truly healed. He'd lover her and she... she'd allowed him to love her, because confronting him with it would had been much more awkward...
He'd always assumed she hadn't known, but... looking back on it now, with the detachment that age and distance granted him, he could plainly see how that last, face-saving fact that he'd held on to, for so long, couldn't hold up to scrutiny. Of course she'd known!. Everyone had known!...
' I'm not seeking Lily any longer. She's been gone for a long time, Mr. Potter!. I have fought on two wars since I lost her. I've faced true despair along the way!. I've become the kind of monster that she would have never looked at twice!. Not even with pity!...
I am not the same boy who dared to love her. Not in any way!... and, even if I was, you could never be confused or compared with her!. You have seen the kind of darkness that she barely managed to glance at!. Your eyes might be the same colour as hers, but... they've seen a harsher world!. They've survived!... They can actually see ME!, in a way that hers never could!'
Potter looked away, then: hands falling away from Severus's own face and inexplicably trembling knees easing him back... He seemed to have lost all strength. All grace. He all but fell, against the grass, like a formless, exhausted lump. For a very small second he managed to remain seated: features rigid and pale digits curled into softly clenched fists. Throat convulsing, as it swallowed the visibly choking knot formed by some kind of wounding emotion... Then he allowed his wide back to fall slowly against the ground: green eyes rising to the sky, offering Severus a brief glimpse of shattered tears and dark hurt.
' I'd have loved her. I'm sure!... Everyone keeps telling me how wonderful she was!. How thoughtful and beautiful!. How generous. How strong in her convictions. How loyal... She must have been a veritable fountain of feminine graces!. I have her picture, you know?. I've even seen her ghost a couple of times... She was, truly, breathtakingly lovely!. Lovely in a way that I shall never be!. Clever too, apparently!...
For all I've managed to achieve what she couldn't, I'm only a boy with an insane amount of luck, while she was... truly exceptional!...
How many times have you wished that she'd taken Voldemort's offer, Severus?: A thousand?. A billion?. Two?... She could have given me up!. She'd have lived!. He was willing to spare her!. You know he was!. He'd have kept her safe, for you!... '
Severus was startled by the unexpected turn their conversation had just taken. Utterly unprepared to answer such question with any modicum of... rationality!. He could not believe the boy had dared to ask him such a thing!. There was a tightness in his throat that he was certain would, eventually, kill him!. It was simply not possible for his fluttering heart to sustain the wild rhythm it was currently beating at. Not for any length of time!...
He followed the boy's example and allowed his emaciated body to slump backwards, against the sun-warmed grass. It was utterly disconcerting to look up and see so blue a sky. So sunny a morning. Such a bright, hope-filled canvas against which to rest his own tortured gaze, as his mind dwelt among the darkest, most wounding memories he possessed.
' I believe she wouldn't have been the Lily I loved so deeply, if she'd taken the Lord's offer!. For all the grief her choice did cause me, I have come to accept that it was the only one that wouldn't have destroyed her, in the end... She died, yes. But she did so being faithful to herself, and that meant that I could retain the memory of her as she truly was, forever!...
I didn't get to see her submit. Or give up, or become another victim of fear... I only ever saw her being brave. And true, and... courageous, like a lioness!. I think it's best this way. I really do!. It took me many years to understand that, even if she'd lived, Lily Evans was never meant for the likes of me... '
He could hear the child shifting. Felt the weight of those green eyes on the side of his face. But he could not bring himself to look at them, though. Not yet. His own gaze had filled with tears for the friend he'd lost, so stupidly, almost a lifetime ago!. He was strangely unwilling to share this aching sorrow with Potter!. This was a sadness that belonged to him alone. To Lily... It was a private, mourn-filled second, that could only ever belong to a brave flame-haired woman and the lost boy who, trying to love her, had only managed to betray her...
' I have a tendency to destroy everything I hold dear, Mr. Potter. Maybe you should be wary of associating yourself with me!. Lily was only the beginning, after all. Look at what I did to Albus... '
Potter squirmed beside him. Upper body rising slightly before turning, once more, towards him. The boy ended up hovering uncomfortably close: Tanned elbow planted firmly on the soft grass and whole chest hovering, almost protectively, above his supine body. Searching emerald eyes forcing his own into unwanted collision.
A rogue hand, owner of callused and very daring fingers, rose towards his face. It dried the single stray tear perched at the very edge of his left eye, before it had time to fall and hide within the ebony mass of his long hair... After that heart-stoppingly intimate action, the auror kept brushing his hair gently away from his pale face. Trying to soothe him, as if he were a wounded child...
' That has to be the single most stupid, self-pitying thing, I've ever heard you say!. It's not even true, for Merlin's sake!. Look at the Malfoys: they are all alive!. Every single one of them!. They are perfectly healthy and more richer than ever!. They are gleefully enjoying all the perks that come, nowadays, with a close association to you!.
Then there is Professor Mcgonagal!. I'd bet my right arm that you love her very much!. I've seen your memories of her and I could tell you two were close!. She is also doing well. Nothing wrong with that old cat, as far as I can tell!. Then there's Madam Pomfrey. Hagrid. And that old Professor of yours, Master Gillieu... wasn't that his name?. All of them are fine too!. Shall I continue, Severus? '
He felt chocked by emotion. By discomfort. By the shame of knowing himself to be acting like a maudlin old man. His pulse pounded and his breathing became shallower. Disturbed. Uneasy.
Potter kept quietly brushing his hair aside. A small, rueful smile curving his lips with some kind of broken sorrow. Green eyes sombre and persistent. Golden features set into firm, unyielding lines.... As the moment stretched, and the youth remained silent, Severus grew even more discomfited with the whole situation: the closeness between their bodies became truly suffocating. The searching quality present within those emerald eyes became an unwelcome intrusion. The barely-there combing of those digits on his hair became an unacceptable liberty that he resented the boy for taking!.
Finally he turned his face minutely to the right, forcing his whole head away from it's locked in position. His eyes no longer clashed with the green ones. His hair was puled free...
' Look at me, Severus! ' The order was softly voiced but impossible to ignore. The gryffindor placed one hand on his jaw-bone and turned his face around once more. He could feel the intrinsic heat in the auror's fingers burn his own skin, wherever they touched him!. He was being more than just... directed back, to look upon his companion's face. He was being branded, somehow. Disarmed. He was being unravelled: layer by layer. He was being... pursued, most insistently, and forced out into the open!. He was being denied the safe comfort of distance, the luxury of retreating, the chance of pulling away!... He was being slowly, so very slowly, turned inside out!...
Potter seemed to read him, like a book that held no secrets. The smile that curved those lips was excruciatingly tender. It was a soothing, careful thing. A promise and a reassurance, all in one. ' Don't hide from me! OK?. Just... don't hide!. I'm not trying to humiliate you, you know?. I'm not dismissing these concerns of yours out of hand, either!.
I know how hard this is for you!. I also know that you are ambivalent about trusting me completely!... I am humbled that you've allowed me to see this much of you. I truly am!. But I'm also willing to tell you when you are wrong, Severus. I'll have to! There won't be a true chance for us, unless I do!.
You can get really defensive when you feel threatened and you are feeling it now. Are you not?. You are afraid of getting in too deeply and I am pushing you too fast... I see that. I really do!. I'm not trying to scorn your misgivings!. I'm only attempting to make you to see that, sometimes, you can be... a tad too dramatic! '
He took a deep breath before allowing himself to utter the next words. He felt unbalanced and on edge. He wanted the conversation halted. He needed to... hide!, so badly, that the instinct to lash out at the boy, in order to set himself free, was almost overwhelming his formidable control!. ' I don't like it when you do this! '
Potter blinked very carefully: eyes intent and fingers gentle as they returned, once again, to comb through his dark hair... ' When I do what, Severus? '
' You force me to speak aloud. You make me say things I don't think should be said!. You... claw into my emotions and dig them out, into the open!. It makes me feel... exposed! '
A smile curved those young lips. It was a small but bright one. A gift of reassurance. ' You are too beautiful a person to hide among dark corners any longer!. I almost lost you once, before I even got to discover the true treasure that you are!. You are exposing yourself... yes. I suppose that you are!. But you are also safe here!. I'm not planning to hurt you or abandon you. I'm not willing to allow another to do so, either!. You need to learn that you deserve better than hiding!. That your affections are most certainly returned. That you are worthy of having others come to you, begging, for you to accept them, instead of the other way around! '
He blinked, in disconcerted astonishment. Not really sure of what to say in answer to that absurd comment. ' You have placed an extraordinary amount of faith upon my person, Mr. Potter!. I don't think I'll manage to ever live up to your high expectations! '
The auror laughed, then, and his green eyes turned so soft that they seemed to have melted with affection. The rough-tipped finger-pads settled on the pale skin covering his jaw and the expression on that face was both: incredibly patient and filled with intent:
' I have faith enough in you, for both of us, Severus!. One day you'll have faith in yourself too, I'm sure!. I can't wait to see what you'll do with yourself, with this world of ours, then. You have fought for freedom already. You have invented a million and one potions. You have, single-handedly, changed the fortune of the House of Slytherin!... You have the potential, and the moral strength, to do great things, professor!. I just want to be there, right beside you, when you finally, finally, bloom!...'