SNARRY-A-THON10: FIC: A Hero by Any Other Name Title: A Hero by Any Other Name Author:literaryspell Rating: PG-13 Word count: 1,500 Warning(s): (highlight for spoilers) *Unadulterated crack, Malfoy-bashing (in the best possible way).* Prompt: #3 - When helping Lily learn her lines as Maid Marian/Guinevere/Little Orphan Annie/etc. for a Hogwarts production of Robin Hood/King Arthur/Annie/etc., Harry is zapped by a random hormonally-induced teenage spell-gone-wrong. Now he thinks he's the hero (of whatever production you choose) and Severus Snape is the heroine (of said production), whom he's determined to rescue from A Cruel Fate. Bonus points if Harry thinks the people around him are other good/evil/indifferent characters (in whatever story the production is about). Summary: A hex goes wrong—or right—and Harry is the victim of a spell that makes him believe he's Robin Hood. Cue the fair maiden, the merry men, and, of course, the dastardly villains! A/N: I don't even know… Oh, and thanks to my beta. She probably should have talked me out of this.
A Hero by Any Other Name
There was no question. Lily was the best actor of the bunch.
His pride might have seemed typical of a father, excited for his daughter with whom he'd always shared a close bond. After all, every parent thinks their child is the best. In Harry's case, however, his superiority—or rather, ahem, Lily's—was nothing less than a fact.
Lily wasn’t even that good, but she didn’t have to be in order to be the best.
The rest of the students were milling about the impromptu stage set up in the Great Hall. Most seemed to think the play was a joke. Scorpius Malfoy, the twit who'd somehow—cough bribery by Draco cough—managed to finagle the role of Robin Hood, was only interested in whether his quiver of arrows made his shoulders look too narrow. It did.
Draco and Lucius Malfoy were both offstage, talking together and exchanging haughty smiles with Scorpius. Smugness all around.
Pricks.
Harry felt bad for calling a twelve-year-old boy a prick, but it only lasted a moment before Scorpius thwacked Hugo Weasley in the chest with his pretend sword. Hugo, always a hothead (no idea where that might have come from) lunged at Scorpius, but Hermione was there to haul him back, abnormally strong for someone of her stature, but Harry had long ago quit wondering where mothers got their powers from.
Snape came over and scolded Scorpius, but it didn’t seem heartfelt, especially when Snape gave him a little smirk and a nod. He then left to go talk to Draco and Lucius, sycophancy in full form.
Ugh.
Lily just about had her lines down, so all Harry had to do was help her with her intonation. Naturally quiet, he and Ginny both hoped that this would help bring her out of her shell a little.
Harry marvelled again at Ginny's slipperiness. How she'd managed to get out of coming, he'd never know. Same with Ron… Well, it bore consideration. Hermione had nailed Harry down with promises weeks ago. His ex-wife and his best friend had some explaining to do.
"Daddy?"
"Yes, love?"
"Do you think I stink?"
Harry frowned, pulling his daughter closer. "How can you say that? You're the best here!"
"Scorpius Malfoy said—"
"Scorpius Malfoy wouldn’t know talent if it paid for his braces—which he had to have for two years, did you know that?"
Lily giggled, distracted, and looked at Scorpius, who was flashing his thousand-Galleon smile at anyone who cared to look.
Obviously feeling more confident, Lily went back to her lines and Harry zoned out. He could hear a couple students talking about a spell one had learned from his actress aunt to make a performance more believable. Apparently the aunt was winning all sorts of awards thanks to this performance-enhancing trick. Harry looked around for Snape—he didn’t want those ruffians cheating with that spell and stealing the limelight from Lily!
Before he could rat out the ne'er-do-wells, a spell hit him in the back and it felt like cold water had splashed over his face and was running down his body.
Harry turned to the two young men who'd been trying out the spell. "You! What manner of mischief is this?"
Their eyes went wide and their lips flapped, but Harry now had more pressing concerns!
There, standing with none other than the malevolent Sheriff of Wiltshire-ham and the nefarious King Lucius, was his maiden!
Fair and lovely in black robes befitting a man of his modesty, Maid Snape had no idea of the trouble he was in. Those two blond menaces would attempt to corrupt and, worse yet, defile his precious love!
But what was this? A young urchin in strange garments was tugging at his Lincoln greens—wait just a moment! What was he wearing? His clothes had been replaced… No matter—
"What is it, child?" he demanded, one eye on Snape.
"Uncle Ron's here!"
Harry frowned at the child and turned to see who this 'Uncle Ron' person was. Friend or foe?
"Ah, Little Ron!" he cried upon seeing his long-time friend.
Little Ron gave him a questioning look before nodding and patting him on the shoulder. "How are ya, mate? Decided I couldn’t let you handle all the sprogs on your own."
"Your presence pleases me!" But then Harry became serious. "Hark—there is a scheme afoot. A most dastardly one. I require your assistance!"
"Er… sure, Harry. What's up?"
Harry turned dramatically so they were both facing Maid Snape and the evildoers. "It's my future bride! I must rescue him and I fear I am outnumbered—until now!"
"Future bride? Harry, you're looking at—" Little Ron turned to Harry as if to double check. "You're looking at Snape and the Malfoys."
"Exactly," Harry hissed. He threw the back of his hand against Little Ron's chest. "Wait here. You shall know if you're needed."
"Just a second," Ron said quickly. "Hermione!"
To Harry's delight and temporary distraction, Hermione Scarlet, their long-time friend, came walking toward them. She had some sort of green smear on her face—and all over the front of her very odd clothing. Was that some sort of camouflage? Ah, brilliant! She always was the clever one.
"Hi, Ron! Glad you decided to help out."
Little Ron shifted a little and then whispered, "I think Harry's been cursed!"
"Cursed!" Harry Hood cried in alarm. Faces all around turned toward them, but he paid them no mind. "'Twas a hag hired by the Sheriff and the King, wasn’t it? Those… those fiends!"
"The Sheriff…?" Hermione Scarlet looked confused, but Harry had no time.
He'd been cursed and the very love of his life was in the hands of the most notorious arseholes this side of Hogsmeade Forest! There was no time to waste!
He tried to storm forward, but his arms were held by his friends. He was sure they were only trying to help, but he couldn’t let his fair maiden become further damaged by those villains.
"Headmistress!" Hermione Scarlet called. By now, most eyes in the room were following Harry's movements. He cared not. If only Snape would look at him—he would send his love through his eyes and everything would be all right!
Friar McGonagall approached, pinched lips falling open when Harry repeated his plan to triumph over the Sheriff and the King.
But Harry Hood would no longer be detained, not even by his well-meaning friends. Nothing in the world mattered except getting to Maid Snape and professing his love in such a way that would leave no doubt as to whom he should be with.
"What, ho!" he shouted, pointing toward two little rapscallions who'd apparently gotten into Hermione Scarlet's camouflaging agent. His three companions turned toward the sight and Friar McGonagall sighed and strode away.
Breaking free of the loosened grips on his arms, Harry strode across the floor and approached the Sheriff of Wiltshire-ham and King Lucius. He tried to pull his glove off to challenge one or both to a duel, but he was wearing none! What trickery!
A hat would do in a pinch—he reached up to grab his trusty three-corner, but someone had stolen it! It appeared the thief had also made a terrible mess of his hair. That was simply embarrassing in front of his maiden.
There was no choice. With grim determination, Harry slapped King Lucius across the face. While the man was stunned, Harry repeated the action on the Sheriff—or he tried to. His wrist was encased in an unbreakable grip!
Ah, it was only Snape. His hands were so strong. He must not want Harry to fight over him! But Harry was only too willing to. Yet, he did not want his dearest to swoon.
"How dare you swine attempt to waylay and abuse my future bride!" With his hand still in Snape's solid grip, Harry had no recourse but to kick the Sheriff in the shin.
"What the hell, Potter!"
King Lucius reached into his strange clothes and pulled out…
A stick.
Harry laughed and swatted the stick from his hand. The two would-be kidnappers watched the stick skitter across the floor with aghast expressions. The Sheriff followed his superior's action, reaching into his pocket, but King Lucius halted him, raising an eyebrow at him. They shared a most evil look and then, with a parting evil smile to Maid Snape, they both left.
"At last!" Harry cried. He grabbed his lover and hauled him into his arms. He attempted to dip Snape back so they could share a sumptuous victory kiss, but Snape had a few stone and a few inches on Harry, and they both toppled gracelessly to the ground.
"Fairest maiden, oh, love of mine!" Harry straddled Snape's waist, his foreign garments making the move awkward. "I must claim what is and has always be mine!"
Finally and at long last, Snape spoke.
"Potter, you utter and complete imbecile. Release me this instant or I shall hex your bollocks right into a boiling cauldron—while you're still attached!"
Harry smiled. "So sweet your voice," he cooed. "And how soft your hair!"
"Unhand me!"
Inspired by his lover's passion, Harry leaned in and pressed a kiss against Snape's lips, giving them both what they so desperately wanted.
"Finite Incantatem!" cried the voice of Hermione Scarlet.
Harry was once again assaulted by the cold-water sensation.
"Oh, shite," he mumbled against the lips mashed under his own.
He pulled back, fighting the urge to shut his eyes until all the bad, bad, badness went away.
"My hero," Snape said, rolling his eyes. And the corner of his upper lip quirked just so.