Title: Shattered Author: FancyPantsDylan Words: 1477 Rating: R Beta: atypicalsnowman & thesewarmstars Summary: Severus says something unintentionally and nearly loses Harry A/N: Originally posted at yahoo group Severus Sighs in four parts but have posted here in one. Would also like to thank WhiteCotton for giving me a couple of ideas which I also used. Disclaimer: All characters owned by JK Rowling, I just play with them. No profit made on use of characters.
I realise now I can never be anything other to you than ‘my mothers eyes’, when all I ever wanted was for you to see me as ‘just Harry, your Harry’, was that too much to ask?
It was clear last night while we fucked, what else can it be called now? as you released into me you sighed “Lily”, and then it all became clear, why you insisted my eyes stay open, its to make your fantasy more real, but for me in that moment all my fantasies and dreams for us are shattered, crumbling on the floor into dust.
~~*~~
“Good afternoon, Severus.”
“Lupin, whether it’s a good afternoon will depend on what you’re here for.”
“I was wondering if you knew where Harry was.”
“I assume in our quarters, I haven’t seen him since breakfast.”
“Well, you will then be surprised to hear that he’s home with Dora and Teddy barricaded in our spare bedroom and won’t come out.”
“WHAT!?”
“He came this morning, asked if he could stay and brought all his belongings with him.”
“……”
“He won’t say what’s happened, but I assume whatever it was occurred either early this morning or late last night. What the fuck did you do to Harry!?”
“Nothing, he was fine this morning. As to last night that’s none of your business.”
“I think it is, seeing as he came to me, so tell me what you could have done to produce a reaction like this in Harry?”
“Nothing I swear, we went to bed last night like always…”
“Yes, go on.”
“….and….”
“….and?”
“Oh, My God!”
“What?!”
“At the end, I didn’t realise I was saying it! Lily had been on my mind all day. Some reporter had brought up that night again and it just replayed in my mind for the rest of the day. He smells so much like her sometimes, and it’s not that I want her anymore, but last night it must have slipped out…”
“What slipped out, for godsake Severus, what the hell did you say?”
“Lily, at the wrong possible moment, if I’m correct.”
“You idiot! do you know what you’ve done? Harry has tried so hard with you and now you go and do something this stupid?! you have got to fix it! Now!”
~~*~~
Severus approached the door with caution. He wanted so much to rush in, enfold Harry in his arms and never let him go, but knew that would not work in this instance.
He tapped softly on the door. “Harry, it’s me, Severus. Please let me in.”
Severus waited for permission to enter. Tonks had tried several times since Remus had left, but Harry would not come out and wouldn’t let anyone in, not even Teddy who could normally coax Harry from a bad mood.
From inside, a soft “go away, I don’t want to talk to you or anyone” could just be heard.
Not to be deterred, Severus tried again, knocking a little harder this time. “Please Harry, I know what I did was inexcusable. I do have an explanation but really no excuse can make up for the pain I caused you. I’m so sorry,” Severus pleaded.
Severus waited several more moments, growing despondent, started to turn away from the door. He would try and figure out a new approach and try again later. Severus took two steps, nearly missing the sound of the door creaking open. Harry stuck his head around the door, tear tracks easily visible on his face. “Perhaps you should come in and we can talk,” he croaked out.
The door was cracked open just enough to permit Severus, who entered courteously. He sat down on the chair under the window. He wanted so much to sit next to Harry on the bed, but knew they had a long way to go before that would happen.
“Harry….” Where could Severus start. What would he say that didn’t just sound like an excuse?
“What Severus?” Harry said a little impatiently.
“I know what I did was unforgivable-“ repeating again what he said at the bedroom door. “I have an explanation, but whether you believe in my sincerity or not, I leave up to you.”
Severus proceeded to tell him what he had told Remus earlier. How the reporter from the Daily Prophet had been nosing around and bringing up that Halloween night again. His preoccupation with memories of Lily. Coming home to find that Harry had prepared a very romantic dinner. Harry smelling too much like his mother. Severus tried to reassure Harry that he didn’t want Lily that way anymore, but whether Harry believed him or not, he could not tell from Harry’s closed expression.
Severus gave a deep sigh feeling relieved that it had all been brought out in the open. He enquired, “Is there anything you want to ask me?”
Harry looked at Severus for a moment longer, he asked “Do we really smell so much alike?”
Severus paused for a second, careful to choose his words carefully, “Harry, I used to think it was the school soap everyone uses, but now, I think that you are more like Lily than either of us ever realised, even down to your smell. Neither of you wear ever wore fancy perfumes; both your smells are natural, very earthy but fresh, like after a rain storm.” Was this explanation helping? Severus wondered to himself. Severus sighed then said “I think it’s best I go now. When you are ready to come home, if you come home, you know where to find me.”
Severus left a bewildered looking Harry sitting on his bed. As he opened the front door he called out to Tonks and Remus that he was leaving, obviously without Harry and apparated home to the gates of Hogwarts.
~~*~~
Four weeks later found Severus walking through his day on autopilot. Not even the fifth exploding cauldron of the day could make an impression on him. He had stopped giving out detentions nearly two weeks ago, much to the amusement of the faculty. The students, on the other hand, were living in abject fear of an eventual explosion and wondering who would be the one to set it off; there was even a betting pool.
Severus had visited Harry several times over the last four weeks. He and Harry had talked – if being shouted at and slapped soundly could be considered conversation – although there were signs that Severus’ repeated apologies were being accepted. Severus wondered if he would ever see Harry’s green eyes sparkle with mischief or come alive with passion again. That was not a situation he could bear to contemplate.
As Severus wandered back towards his rooms from the Great Hall later that day, he was unaware of the wards being breached around his rooms. It was only as he was hanging up his teaching robes that he sensed something was amiss. Turning round, he was stunned to see the table set for two, including candles and flowers. Surveying the rest of the room, he noticed other things out of place - there was a Quidditch robe thrown across the back of the sofa, a broom lying haphazardly on the floor and a book open that was not his. Was Harry back, or was Severus finally losing his mind?
Severus rushed into his bedroom and opened the closet and chest of drawers to find not only his clothes, but several items not belonging to him. He reached out to touch and found they were definitely real. He wasn’t hallucinating. If Harry was back, then where the hell was he?
A noise from the living room brought Severus out of his contemplation. He swept back into the living room and just stared at a semi-naked Harry reclining on the sofa.
“Severus, I think we should try this again.” Harry said.
“Again?” Severus enquired, not sure where this conversation was going.
“Well, the last time we tried this we never got ‘round to dinner and the evening ended rather badly for me,” Harry stated.~
“I would like that very much.” Severus sighed, realising Harry was giving him this once chance at reconciliation.
Over dinner Severus and Harry talked. Severus made Harry laugh when he told him about the lack of detentions recently, that he even knew about the betting pool going on. Harry urged him not to be too hard on the first student to explode their cauldron; perhaps a detention with Hagrid would suffice. Severus agreed to think about it, depending who the student was. They talked late into the evening.
Sometime later, Severus looked at the sleeping limpet attached to his chest, tucked snugly within his arms, and thanked the gods Harry was back where he should be. They were still a long way from ‘Happily Ever After’ but at least they would be taking the journey together.