Secret Snarry Swap: FIC: Desperate times call for desperate actions Title: Desperate times call for desperate actions Author:Im_just_visiting Other pairings/threesome: Rating: Teen Word count: 5000 Content/Warning(s): None Prompter/Prompt: No. 33 from emeraldlove: Both Severus and Harry thinks they (as a couple) have trouble in the bedroom. But instead of talking to each other, they both independently write to a sex advice column for help. Summary: Both Severus and Harry thinks they (as a couple) have trouble in the bedroom. But instead of talking to each other, they both independently write to a sex advice column for help.
It was afternoon, the workday was over. Long gone were the days when Severus volunteered to patrol the corridors of Hogwarts at night. His problems with insomnia and his fear of loneliness ended with Harry settling into his life. His presence filled all the cracks and gaps in Severus' psyche, made him complete, filled his days with happiness. And Severus cherished him out of gratitude like the greatest treasure, because that's what he was.
The thought of the possibility of losing Harry made him panic. Even during his encounters with Voldemort, had he felt such terror as when he watched the graceful, athletic Harry disappear from his sight, leaving his room to go to work to teach DADA. Don't leave, he wanted to ask, stay a while longer. It was basically his mantra, the words he thought of most often, apart from 'I love you'. He hated so much the moments during which they were separated, during which he could not defend him, watch over his safety.
Harry always turned back for a moment, as if he knew what Severus was thinking about, gently held the cheek of the man shorter than himself and kissed him, whispering "I love you" on his lips before finally leaving for his classes this time.
Severus usually started work an hour later and finished an hour later. Whenever he left the classroom after the last lesson, he almost ran to his and his husband's shared chambers, as he waited for him there. In front of the door, he calmed his step and entered there nonchalantly, as if in spirit he was not crazy with joy at the sight of Harry. He feared that Harry might be put off by such an amount of affection; after all, Severus had never shown it before their relationship, and it was the kind of man Harry knew him to be, the kind of unspoken, usually stoic Severus was to his taste.
Now everything was back in place, they were together again and Severus could breathe freely. After a lot of passionate kissing and cuddling, after they had changed into their home clothes and had dinner delivered to their bedroom, Severus sat in his favorite armchair and browsed through the newspaper, Harry doing exactly the same in the armchair next to him, on his feet the slippers Severus had bought him on the spur of the moment and which he was ashamed to give him (because who gives their beloved slippers?!) until Harry found them himself in the wardrobe and asked if he could wear them, he liked them and praised their comfort. Severus was so stupid sometimes, he surprised himself. Severus smiled slightly at this memory. He himself wore the same ones, only black.
It was so blissful, so wonderful. The crackling fire in the fireplace, the wine, the sense of security and love wrapping them like a cocoon.
Severus had to close his eyes for a moment. Love made him feel strange, happy, indestructible and fragile all at the same time. He was so afraid of losing it all and there was ample opportunity to do so.
The situation was serious, even more than serious. It meant as much as a life. He and Harry had been a couple for a year before the wedding and married for another, both very desperate not to waste another minute of their precious time. They loved each other, were happy with each other and that was enough, they both thought. Now Severus wasn't sure if such a hasty marriage hadn't been a mistake. Everything was better than he could have dreamed, but because of all the time they had been in the honeymoon phase of their relationship and marriage, Severus had tried to present himself at his best, and now he felt guilty about it. He had deceived Harry, he was not who he thought he was.
His lack of self-confidence and low self-esteem have made their relationship unhealthy.
He had been reading the relationship advice column for some time. Still, he approached it with a mix of emotions - sympathy, irritation, amusement or second hand embarrassment. The problems described often seemed trivial to an outsider, but to a newspaper writer they were insurmountable. It has always seemed incredibly heartbreaking to him to be desperate and lonely to the point of writing to a stranger with his problem, in order to receive scraps of sympathy and a glimmer of hope for help. And now he has become like that himself. Ehhh.
Because that is what has happened, one day he felt a sudden urge to write there, to expose his problem to the public eye and maybe expose himself to ridicule. He could have put up with it as long as he got some help. Severus had been meaning to write there for some time, but had always changed his mind at the last moment, his common sense telling him it was a bad idea. Many times he found himself in desperation, driven by guilt, starting to write the first sentences before the doubts took over and quickly destroyed the notes. But the guilt weighed heavily on him, more and more with each passing day. One day, unable to bear it any longer, in an act of desperation, he finally wrote a whole letter and quickly posted it before he changed his mind.
And now he was coping with the fact that his most private thoughts, fears and feelings had been printed. Once again, he read one of the letters printed in the romantic and sexual advice column.
"Dear Maggie,
I'm writing to you about an issue that has been bothering me for a few years, or more precisely, those are two issues. Both involve my husband. I love him to the point of madness, he is not only my partner, my love, but he is also my friend. Every day with him is worth giving my life for him. Our life together is perfect and I couldn't dream of anything better. But, that's right, there is a but, otherwise I wouldn't be writing this letter to you. As you can probably guess, one of the problems is of an intimate nature. My husband is a total bottom which is not a problem in the least. The problem lies with me. Unfortunately, it just so happens that I am also a total bottom.
My love is so good, so kind, so gentle. He’s so proactive in meeting every need. He’s so good to me, absolutely perfect and I think he deserves a perfect love but I feel like I’m far from that. He needs a little bit rough lover and sometimes I feel guilty for being a soft love and liking it a little bit too sweet and gentle.
I know that a large number of bottom Wizards are not able to achieve an erection or pleasure as a top and I, which I regret to admit, am not among the exceptions in this regard. We have not been married long, and love, all that connects us is much more important than sex, so over the time of our relationship and marriage I simply took potion for erections and I backed this up with magic, and I was a top, a small price to pay for the privilege of having someone as wonderful as my husband for a husband. Things were amazing. But in the last few years, I'd like to bottom on occasion. At least those few times a year. I've noticed that the older I get, the more pronounced my sexual frustrations become.
I don't understand how it got to be this way. I always thought I had more self-control over my needs. Well, apparently I was wrong.
One might wonder how this happened. Well, I am quite a bit older than my beloved, and as you yourself surely know, it is usually the older of the partners in Wizards that tops. Despite my preferences, I did not want to deprive my beloved of what he hoped for, what he wanted. My beloved loves to bottom, often initiates intercourse and really enjoys playing with my penis. This moves me, out of happiness takes away my speech. It gives me great pleasure to see my husband sexually satisfied.
Anyway, leaving aside this lengthy introduction, what should I do? How can I at least somewhat defuse sexual tensions while not making my beloved uncomfortable?
This is not the only problem, the second is more significant, I'm afraid.
Well, due to the fact that my husband and I have known each other for more than 3/4 of his life, since he was very young, he has formed a definite opinion about a certain part of my character based on the way he used to see me. It's not as bad as it sounds, we know each other very well, however, due to the fact that I have always presented myself as an unemotional person and that's how I attracted my beloved's attention, I could never show him that yes, in front of strangers I am unemotional but in love it's exactly the opposite. I would like to shower him with loving confessions, kisses, throw myself on his neck and tell him how crazy I am about him. For the reasons mentioned above, however, I can't do that, and I always try with all my might to show him all my love with restrained gestures and words.
I would not want him to feel cheated by the fact that his husband is not as he presented himself. This worries me much more than the issue of position during intercourse. I love him so much and every year I feel more and more guilty that he is not who he thinks I am. What should I do?
Yours sincerely, Gallus Anonymous"
Underneath was the reply.
"Dear Gallus Anonymous,
In fact, there is not much I can advise you, all the answers are within you. Of the things you can do to improve your sexual position are:
He can buy a strap on to top you.
You can be adamant about when hooking up with others that you BOTH bottom.
You can hookup with others after discussing being in an open relationship. As long as he doesn't have toxic beliefs, you can find compromise in this regard. I also think that the second problem is more important, but if you have not been married long - possible to solve. Every year it will become more and more difficult until finally it will be impossible, surely you yourself are well aware of this.
But the best solution is the conversation you need to have with him."
Of course. It was not the help he had hoped for, that would have made things even more complicated. He knew full well that it was pointless, a stranger would not be able to solve his problem any better than he could himself. In fact, he himself didn't know what kind of response he was hoping for, maybe he wanted a pat on the back, it's possible that he simply needed to speak out, to throw off at least part of the burden or was looking for a place to vent his frustrations and feelings of guilt and shame anonymously. He shook his head reluctantly and pressed his lips together, angry with himself. It was absurd, how foolish he was to try to push his problem onto others!
He was not going to open a relationship, never and under no circumstances! Much less was he going to sleep with anyone else.
The very thought of someone else's hands, of some stranger having to touch him provoked in him an aversion, and the vision of Harry being touched by a stranger a great objection. Strap-on wasn't an ideal solution either, Severus supposed that Harry would be sorry for not satisfying him sexually. In this regard, Severus intended to stick to the way he had helped himself before - erotic toys.
Talking to Harry... Yes, he knew very well that he had to do it and was very much afraid of the results of it. Of course, he will do it, he will talk, but not yet tonight, tonight he would like to spend as it is now, when everything is fine and he is loved. Who knows, it's possible, the evening after the conversation will be his first of the lonely ones, drenched in tears, for the rest of his days.
A slight sigh escaped his lips. Harry looked up immediately, checking to make sure everything was okay and Severus sent him a gentle smile before returning to his reading. Underneath his letter was another, with a problem of a different nature.
"Dear Maggie,
I am writing to you with a typical problem for this column. Well, I have sexual problems. My husband is the most tender, sensitive and wonderful person imaginable, but the problem is that we are both tops. Oh, believe me, he is a wonderful top, he knows what use to make of, pardon me, his wand, but the problem is that I am the one who would like to do it. Being a bottom does not satisfy me, even when I am a very active power bottom. I feel this primitive urge to ravish him. Oh, gosh, he is so cute and fragile! He is also a typical top Wizard, just like me. I knew I was a top but went into a relationship with him anyway, I figured it was less important, something to get along with. And now when he moves, nimbly like a cat, when he walks in front of me with that tight little butt I always have this hard-to-stop instinct to throw him on the bed, with his consent of course, make him squirm on my fingers and then I want to take him, hard and deep, and never pull out of him. I need this, my body feels this desire, it is restless, it is all vibrating from this need. How can I convince him to agree to at least occasionally bottom for me?
I thought about asking him directly, but he is so closed in himself, so not talking about his true feelings. Sometimes I would like to get him drunk and press him for a long conversation during which he would show all his hidden feelings. I'm not going to get him drunk before talking about changing bed positions, no worries.
If he refuses it's ok, it's hard, I won't make a tragedy out of it, I love and respect him, I'm never going to do anything against his will or prioritize sex over love.
Yours, XOXO"
Severus sighed again. Another problem of misunderstanding in a relationship, of hiding one's true self and playing something off in front of that person most important to oneself. The paralyzing fear of failure, of disappointing the other person. It was all so fragile, so easy to destroy - love, life, people. One careless step, one careless word and you lost, lost something for the rest of your life, as Severus had already experienced. No words can heal the wound on trust.
And sustaining a convenient lie was also a lie. Severus closed the newspaper and put it away. He would talk to Harry. No one said it would be easy, no pains no gains he consoled himself in spirit.
Harry watched him with a puzzled look on his face. "What's troubling you, darling?" Such an opportunity, Harry opened the door to conversation. Not yet, assessed Severus, in five minutes. That is three hundred guaranteed seconds with Harry.
Such a coward I am, he thought, but it was stronger than he was. Instead of telling the unpleasant truth, he again chose a beautiful lie. I despise you, Severus, he thought to himself. "Nothing, I'm just tired."
Harry looked at him in doubt, but did not press him. Instead, with a movement of his head, he pointed to the newspaper.
"Have you seen the first letter in the 'Ask Maggie' column?" Severus felt his blood freeze in his veins. Had Harry guessed that he had written it? Carefully, alertly, trying to hide his confusion, he looked Harry in the eye. Harry shook his head. "This letter sounds more like a love letter than a problem letter. It's so damn romantically written!" They met each other's eyes for a moment. "It's not often you see letters like that in a column like this, don't you think?"
Oh, so that's how Harry judges these pathetic deductions?
That didn't allay Severus' concerns one hundred percent, but he allowed himself to feel a little relieved. "Oh, I've seen it. The guy talks a lot and can't get to the point." He laughed.
Harry looked at him in surprise, once again nodding toward the paper. "Are you sure we're talking about the same letter?"
Severus dismissively waved his hand. He felt awkward talking about his own letter, but since Harry clearly had no idea that he was the author, Severus could afford it. "Oh yes, the old whiner can't encapsulate his problem in short sentences. The guy in the second letter did much better!"
Harry looked away for a second. "I don't know. He wrote it so simplistically compared to that first person."
Severus got up from his chair and walked over to Harry, then crouched in front of his knees and propped himself up against them with folded hands. "You're cute to think so!" His husband's hand gently moved through his hair, pushing his long strands away from his face. "And you're adorable even though you're wrong!"
"Huh? The guy talked and talked." Severus rolled his eyes, angry at himself. "Pffff, what an ass, after all it would have been enough for him to talk to his partner, the cat got his tongue or something?" When he thought about it now, he regretted that he hadn't written it succinctly, spelling out the problem, but instead had written so much about his feelings for Harry, throwing something so very private in front of the eyes and judgment of strangers.
"Not everything is so easy to say, maybe he doesn't know how to start?" Harry muttered. "It can't be that difficult!" Severus was digging his own grave, he knew that. When he finally told Harry everything, the latter would be able to throw it right back in his face, and he deserved it. "How would you start in his place?" Harry tilted his head. He then pursed his lips slightly. "That answer to him.... Hmmm....I think sometimes people on this column present relationships as if they are simple. 'Just open the relationship', or 'You have to dump his ass' or whatever. I for one believe that relationships are complicated and difficult, and that there are stalemates for which there are apparently no solutions. But sexual impasse is incredibly common in relationships, gay relationships too, if this column is anything to go by. Someone writes about it at least once a week." He paused for a moment, then, to Severus' dismay, asked. "What would you advise these guys? Their problems are similar, they are mirror images of each other. Should they tell their partners about their desires and fears, Severus?"
"Yes." He swallowed his saliva. Oh, what a hypocrite he was, what a liar, and what was worse he was doing it while looking into the face of the person who should be able to trust him one hundred percent in every way. This can't go on like this much longer, I have to take responsibility for myself, Severus concluded.
"So how would you do? What would you say?" Severus felt as if time stood still and the world held its breath. The moment became so important, heavy and fragile.
Severus wasn't sure whether at that moment he was flushed in the face or deathly pale. He was cold and hot at the same time, and felt like putting his arms around himself for comfort. He swallowed his saliva once more and grunted.
"I would say..." He hesitated. "I would say that I love you to the point of madness. That I've lived so many years alone, I never expected, never even dared to hope, that there would be someone in my path who would love me." His black eyes simultaneously traced Harry's face in search of even the slightest sign of discomfort at this uncharacteristic effusiveness on Severus's part. He never said it all at once, so openly; he usually threw in little hints and that was it. Now he took this opportunity to express all the love he had for Harry, to say all those things he wanted to say to him. If it turns out to be a disaster, he can always back out, explaining that he was just playing the letter guy, right?
"The last thing I expected was you, someone so similar to me, but different enough that you are not a copy of myself. I finally learned to let go of my anxiety thanks to the comfort you give me. I feel immensely relaxed thanks to you...." Although his voice was tight at first, the longer he spoke the freer he felt. Severus wasn't lying, Harry's presence made him feel at ease and happy. "You are so gentle. Whenever you rub my back or touch my hand, my heart melts. Your touch is so gentle, it's comforting to me. When I'm nervous, this is your tactic to calm me down. It makes me feel so safe. I love you so much."
Severus smiled slightly and this time it was Harry who had to swallow his saliva. As far as Severus knew him, and he always flattered himself that he knew him very well, he could tell that his confessions did not arouse Harry's dislike, but rather the opposite.
Severus' voice was already flowing freely, without a shadow of stress. He professed his love for him, and it came with great confidence. "You're amazing, and I want to tell you how happy I am when you're around. I don't care where it all goes, I will always remember you for reminding me how to be an authentic version of myself." Or at least that's where it was going, Severus assessed. Not bothering with forms, he stood up, took the newspaper out of Harry's hand, put it back on the table and unceremoniously straddled his thighs.
"You are my happy place. My place that I want to go to at the end of the day and delve into. The place I want to put monuments to and bring offerings to." He placed a kiss on his lips. "You are equality. You are passion and excitement." Again the kiss.
"You are the sun and the air." And another.
"You are something I have never had before. Something I've never felt or experienced. You are something I want to show everything to." Okay, no more avoiding the subject, assessed Severus, back to the question.
"I would tell you that it doesn't matter what position I would be in bed with you, the most important thing is that I would be and that it would be with you."
Harry gently took his chin in his hand and lifted it upward. "And I would be speechless with joy and emotion if I heard this." Harry smiled slightly and his almond shaped eyes narrowed. "That's a great answer, you know that, love? Anyone would die of happiness if their loved one told them that. You are the perfect partner!"
Severus shook his head. "I'm not."
"But you are, you are, you just don't know it. I don't know why but I have this strange feeling that there is something more to it..." His gaze slid over Severus' face, looking at him softly, tenderly. "Tell me, what position would you like to be in, Severus?" This was said in a very warm, not pushy tone, not much louder than a whisper. His lips traveled over his cheeks, gently tickled Severus' eyelids when they moved. "What would you answer if you let yourself be honest? Would you have a desire to try something you don't normally do, or are you happy enough with what you do?"
Severus snuggled his face into his neck for a moment and breathed in the scent of his skin and hair. He loved it so much, he would recognize him anywhere, he could follow him with his eyes closed in a room full of people until he reached Harry.
Finally, as he gathered his strength he lifted his face and braced himself for the impending crack like the shattered glass of this wonderful atmosphere, whose sharp shards would remind him of this moment for years.
"I am happy with everything we do. But I would like to bottom sometimes." It happened, he said it, admitted to not being the perfect top Wizard, the perfect older partner. How will Harry take it? Almost forcefully, fighting with himself he forced himself to look into Harry's eyes. Don't leave me, he wanted to beg, waiting for the sentence. Younger man froze for a moment and his pupils dilated. "You don't really mean that, do you?" The shock was clearly visible on his face.
Severus felt his cheeks burn with embarrassment. He bit his bottom lip.
"Severus, please tell me the truth." Harry's voice became strangely desperate, urgent and Severus' heart was breaking. What had he done! It wasn't worth it, it was so not worth it! He allowed his lusts to become more important than Harry's peace of mind. What a shame!
"Well..." Severus began, not yet knowing how he could withdraw from the situation he had created, but ready to do so, this was a fight for life, a fight for everything.
Before he could gather his thoughts, however, Harry abruptly interrupted him. "I understand." Big hand began to caress his cheek again and Severus looked surprised. What did he think he understood?
"You're doing this for me, you guessed from the stupid way it was written that I was the one who wrote the second letter, and you want to give me what I want." Harry sighed, and closed his eyes for a moment. He was clearly gathering his strength. After a moment they met eyes again. "Darling, at the end I wrote that I'm not going to force you to do this, I love and respect you. You are wonderful, I don't know what I did to deserve you!" He took the hand of a stunned Severus and placed a kiss on top of it.
Severus was still in disbelief at what he had heard, it was slowly seeping into his consciousness. So this second letter was written by Harry, his Harry, and he wished to top. And now he thought Severus was offering him a compromise against his will.... "Harry..." He choked out finally. "It's not like that, really." Severus bit his lip. "You'll laugh, but that first letter is me."
"Are you the one who holds back showing affection because you're afraid it might discourage me?" Harry's eyes became round again and Severus lowered his gaze in embarrassment. "Yes, that's me."
"How silly we are!" Harry giggled. "Oh, dear, I so look for and enjoy even the slightest bit of your emotions, I always try to get them out of you! Don't hold back, I want it so much!"
Severus definitely felt very foolish. What a misunderstanding, what a lack of communication! He could not believe that this had happened to him, someone who thought he understood his beloved! How complacent he was, how wrong he was.
He wanted to ask, "Why didn't you tell me? We would have avoided so much stress!" but he quickly refrained. And why didn't he tell about his problems, huh? People's hearts are strange, hiding from those they love the most, running away from themselves, lest they be caught doing and wanting all those things everyone does and wants.
"What a failed couple we are!" He finally choked out and Harry started laughing. In time, they will surely revisit this subject later, now they were both happy that they had managed to survive this misunderstanding.
When Harry stopped laughing, he cupped Severus's face with both hands. "I think those letters pretty clearly defined our desires and attitudes, didn't they?"
"Definitely yes!"
"So everything is clear between us?"
"Yes!" Severus gave a quick nod.
"For real this time?" Harry smiled slightly, but Severus could tell there was a certain uncertainty and vulnerability there. His heart tightened. "Like, for real for real?"
"For my part yes, I have no more secrets." In a different situation, such questioning on Harry's part would have caused him to roll his eyes, but this was not a different situation, it was very relevant and had to be done.
"Very good, because so do I!"
Finally, Severus looked at him with seriousness in his eyes. "I love you."
"I love you more!" Harry smiled and kissed him on the tip of the nose.
"You can't get more!" Severus picked up the game, it wasn't something they did often. "And yet I manage!"
The atmosphere became light again, and Severus already knew that everything was going to be all right, both were not blameless, both had pretended something to each other to keep their beloved with them. Their actions were dictated by desperation, not malice.
Catastrophe was close, so close that he could feel its cold breath on the back of his neck, but miraculously it was averted, and Severus could breathe a sigh of relief again. Surely new problems will arise over time, but for the time being, the current ones have been solved. He wrapped his arms around his lover's neck and nibbled lightly on the lobe of his ear with his teeth.
"Now that we've dealt with the more serious problem, how about we move on to the less important one? What do you think, hmm?"