Secret Snarry Swap: FIC: Glaringly Ineffective Title: Glaringly Ineffective Author:drwritermom Other pairings/threesome: Harry Potter/Severus Snape Rating: T Word count: 4170 Content/Warning(s): M/M committed relationship, mild mental health issues, implied mpreg Prompter/Prompt: No. 24 from alpharoyal2: Severus gets hit with the most foulest of curses — the glareus ineffectivus — which cripples him. Feel free to come up what the actual name and effects of the curse could be... Summary: Severus Snape is at his wits end with the Hufflepuffs. Hufflepuff House is ready to revolt over the escalating punishments the House of the Badgers are receiving. Poppy Pomfrey believes the morally dubious Glareus Ineffectivus will diffuse the tension, which is causing the professor physical pain, and she enlists his partner, Harry Potter, to cast it, surreptitiously. Harry fears this will not be enough, so he silently casts an additional morally grey spell upon the Potions classroom itself. Gobstones started this mess, what on Earth will end it? Only Lady Magic knows. A/N: I own nothing of the Potterverse, I just play in the Hogwarts sandbox. My muse was very stubborn, it wanted more backstory and a little bit of revolt. Badgers are tenacious, they can take it. And the inner monologue, I am sorry, giftee, Severus was stubbornly silent. Until he wasn’t. You’ll see. I hope you enjoy the journey.
Harry Potter, the most popular Defense Against the Dark Arts professor in recent memory, was sitting in his office, passing the time during his obligatory office hours by grading rather unintentionally amusing third year assignments regarding Patronuses. Young Mister Crookbanks was convinced that he could conjure a Light Dementor Patronus, effective against multiple Dementors, with the end result being the Dark Dementors would be conquered by happiness, an emotion they couldn’t abide.
“Dueling Dementors, what will the students think of next?” Harry chuckled, as he inked his quill, poised to grade this work of creative fiction. As the quill hit the parchment, a succession of sharp raps on his door interrupted this academic duty before it had begun. Swiftly resting his favorite grading quill in the inkwell, he pronounced “Enter” as he unlocked his office door wandlessly.
In a flurry of robes, the Head Girl, a brilliant young Hufflepuff known for her placid nature and keen intellect, rushed into the office. Professor Potter immediately spotted her red, puffy eyes and a barely restrained sob, and immediately conjured a cotton handkerchief. “NEWT level potions?” he gently inquired, as he handed Miss Otterleigh the handkerchief. The young woman nodded in the affirmative, as she accepted the conjured fabric square and composed herself.
“So, Miss Otterleigh, what happened in NEWTs Potions this time?”
“Professor, this is my first time here-”
“I’m sorry, Miss Otterleigh, after a week of unprecedented incidents, in your Potions class, as well as those of the lower forms, with the only difference being the identity of the student, and their year, I assumed it was Potions. What happened before your Potions professor deducted fifty points?”
“I’m sorry, Sir, but how did you know about the fifty point deduction?”
“Please keep this between us, Miss Otterleigh, but it seems that this week is “badger the Badgers” week. All of the complaints are coming from Hufflepuff. Fifty point deductions have become standard fare. The question I have to ask is, why are the students coming to me, instead of the Headmistress?”
“Since you’ve been frank with me, Professor Potter, I shall repay you in kind. Professor McGonagall has a pre-fabricated lecture she delivers to any Hufflepuff who has come to her, stressing that Professor Snape is a war hero who gave everything to secure our freedom, and thus he should be allowed what she calls, “his eccentricities”. What our headmistress calls eccentricities are quite frankly tantrums, directed at students showing any uncertainty in brewing their potions. He yells, then he deducts points, and finally he finishes with a detention, without any potion mishap preceding his tirade!”
“Miss Otterleigh, please calm down, and do remember that as a highly respected and qualified Potions Master, Professor Snape does not throw ‘tantrums’. He has been teaching long enough to be able to anticipate possible potions accidents before they happen. The more serious the potential mistake, the more severe the scolding.”
“Please forgive me for interrupting, Sir, but I was given two weeks of detention with Filch, as well as the fifty point deduction, for reminding my partner to crush the moonstone before adding it to his potion.”
“What exactly did you say?” Harry uttered, as he felt a headache coming on.
“I said ‘That moonstone is not going to crush itself, Mister Everhardt’.”
“Is that all? Two weeks detention and a fifty point deduction seems a bit steep for such an exchange.”
The Head Girl averted her gaze. “I may have said it with a low pitched drawl.” She paused, then blushed.
That alone would have resulted in a weeks worth of scrubbing cauldrons by hand, there had to be more to the story, Harry mused. “What are you leaving out, Miss Otterleigh? What aren’t you telling me?”
“I might also have raised my eyebrows until they were obscured by my fringe. My partner chuckled.” She averted her gaze again, as if hiding the worst transgression for last.
“Miss Otterleigh, I suspect you have, yet again, left out something. I will add to your detention if you don’t confess to the rest of your misdeeds.”
“I might have charmed my robes to billow in the interest of authenticity-”
Harry was not amused, this was his partner she had disrespected, in front of an audience, no less. “Let me see if I understand this, Miss Otterleigh. You used the correction of your potions partner’s omission as an opportunity to mock Professor Snape in front of the entire class?”
“The Slytherin students regularly mimic him behind his back, and they’re never punished-”
“The Slytherins generally cast glamours to enlarge their noses when his back is turned, but they always remember the first rule of Slytherin pranking - DON’T GET CAUGHT. To that end, all of their pranks involve planning, and at least two lookouts, who are poised to reverse said glamour before their housemate is seen by Professor Snape.” Before the Head Girl could argue further, Harry held up his hand, before carefully constructing his response.
“I think you’ll find that a simple nose elongation glamour, rapidly reversed, is far less insulting, in a classroom setting, than imitating his voice, satirizing his speech pattern, miming his facial expression and reproducing his signature robe billow. Such a performance is fine in the Hufflepuff’s common room, but it is totally out of line in a student laboratory where volatile compounds, flames, and magic intersect. It is disrespectful, and potentially dangerous. It pains me to say this, but this time, you crossed a line. I realize Professor Snape is a harsh taskmaster, but despite the recent escalation of seemingly harsh student/Professor interactions, with this particular incident, you have earned your detention. Miss Otterleigh, I expect a two foot parchment regarding proper classroom deportment, highlighting appropriate student/Professor conflict resolution. I do understand that Hufflepuffs appear to have been disproportionately singled out, but the classroom is not the proper venue for displaying your displeasure.”
The Head Girl recognized the obvious dismissal, but before she could scurry from the office, Harry felt a modicum of sympathy for the young woman. “Miss Otterleigh, I will bring your grievance to Headmistress McGonagall. I do expect you to apologize to Professor Snape before the day is out, though. Now, you may go.”
Harry downed a pain potion, before Flooing the headmistress.
“Minerva, may I come through?”
“I have a free moment before dinner, please tumble through!”
Harry’s Floo mishaps were were becoming legendary during his tenure as a professor, and Minerva found them particularly amusing.
Dusting off his robes after he very nearly face-planted, Harry returned himself to his original upright position. “My delightful physical comedy is but one of my many charms, Headmistress. Seriously, though, I am here to discuss an impending revolt amongst the Hufflepuffs.”
“Say no more, Professor Potter, your partner just exited this office in high dudgeon. He was quite livid about his perceived humiliation in view of the entire NEWTs potion class. While I am sure our Head Girl’s impersonation was spot on, such a stunt done in front of her fellow NEWT students was entirely inappropriate.”
“I agree. I assigned her a two foot parchment, which is lenient compared to the detention I wanted to assign - a deep cleaning of the owlery, using only a toothbrush, a bucket of water, and Miss Opal Scop’s Owl Scat Soap, with no bucket refilling charm, no magic, and no assistance.” Harry thought for a moment. “Oh, yes - and no cushioning charms.”
“That’s far more harsh than Filch, Harry. I commend you for not going all “Harry Potter, Snape Vindicator” on our Head Girl. Miss Otterleigh has been comforting crying young Hufflepuffs for at least the last week, and I think she cracked a bit under the relentless parade of young badgers. Tell me, Harry, do you have any idea what has your partner in such an volatile emotional state?”
“Minerva, this goes no further than this room. Severus has been obsessed lately, trying to formulate a male conception potion. There are reports of spontaneous wizard pregnancies in the literature, but they appear to be so rare as to occur less than one per century. He was musing over some of his notes last week in class, while the second year Hufflepuffs were reading an assignment on phoenix tears and their use in healing potions. Two mischievous students thought it would be amusing to play gobstones after completing their class work. These were the new and improved Weasley Wheezes models, featuring ten foot stench trajectories, and silent stealth mode. Severus did not see their play until several stones belched their payloads onto his notes and into his hair. He was too stunned to speak, he just Flooed to my office and directed me to “corral the dunderheads.”
“Why didn’t I hear of this, Harry?”
“I promised Severus that I would deal with the students, and I did as he asked. Two weeks of scrubbing bedpans in the Infirmary with Madam Pomfrey, with the punishment announced in full view of the mixed Hufflepuffs/Ravenclaw class, will hopefully prevent further misbehavior in that class.”
“Why are the punishments escalating?”
“Severus does not handle humiliation well. He’s been fuming since that incident, and I can’t say that I blame him. He has tried being a more patient Professor, but that stunt convinced him that a stern, disciplinary demeanor is necessary to maintain order. Hufflepuffs humiliated him, so he has become hyper-vigilant for potential trouble. I believe he started deducting points for honest confusion while brewing, not trusting anyone but confident and competent students. The verbal slings began soon thereafter. He doesn’t complain much about the other houses. I fear the inherent loyalty amongst the badgers has made them obstinate in potions, as even the best students are now sullen in his class-”
“How do you know that? Invisibility cloak again, Professor Potter?” the almost omnipotent Headmistress chuckled.
“Hey, whatever works! Surprisingly, the cloak was Severus’s idea. When the NEWTs classes’ badgers started glaring at him during lectures, he wanted an objective observer. He wasn’t mistaken, there were some seriously ticked off students, all wearing Hufflepuff ties.”
“What exactly did Miss Otterleigh do to offend our favorite potions Professor? A simple mimicking of a professor when their back is turned is a common occurrence, but Severus was apoplectic, I Flooed Poppy in from the infirmary to administer a double strength calming draught.”
“Our Head Girl performed an amazingly accurate impersonation of ‘Professor Severus Snape’, complete with his distinctive baritone, a precise yet sarcastic comment regarding her partner’s potion omission, an exaggerated eyebrow lift, all capped off by his signature billowing robes.”
“Although I admire her creativity, that was beyond the pale. I did glean that Severus deducted points from Hufflepuff, and spit out ‘two weeks, Filch’ just before Poppy escorted our very irate colleague and friend to the infirmary for observation.”
“You mean, she forced him to take residence in the infirmary until he has caged his rage?”
“I do believe that is what I just said. Do keep up, Harry!” the clever witch snarked.
“Before you flay me verbally, with all the skill of our beloved Potions Master-”
“I learned from the Master! Seriously, Harry, I am hoping our Mediwitch can alleviate his anxiety, before I am forced to bring back Professor Slughorn. I do not wish to do so.
“I am heading over to the Infirmary now. I’m sure she’ll find a solution. Thank you, Minerva.
Harry arrived at the entrance to the infirmary to find Madam Pomfrey already waiting for him.
“Professor Potter, I wish to discuss a way to alleviate Professor Snape’s distress. I would like your input on its morality. It can be seen as Dark, if administered without the utmost purity of intent.”
“Are you suggesting the Glareus Ineffectivus?”
“Indeed I am, Professor Potter. You are aware that Nagini’s venom left the rather unfortunate side effect of heightened emotional fragility. Severus experiences disrespectful behavior as a physical ache, in fact, all emotional discomfort manifests in physical symptoms.”
“Why didn’t I know this?”
“You know he is a proud man, Harry, he would never present himself as anything other than competent and professional to his colleagues. And you are his colleague, as well as his partner.”
Harry stood silent, mulling over this bit of information. It certainly explained Snape’s reluctance to discuss his problem, other than having Harry deal with the students involved.
“I fail to see how this spell would help our Severus. He relies on his penetrating stare to control the class, by keeping them focused on their work.”
“With a mutinous mob of Hufflepuffs, that stare is only provoking more discontent. The Head Girl is under tremendous pressure from her house, I’m not surprised that she finally communicated her displeasure.”
“What she did was wrong, Madam-”
“What she did was passive aggressive, and she did so under duress. I will be supervising her detention, not Argus Filch. She will be receiving counseling for stress management. Professor Snape cultivated the atmosphere of anger that ripples through the Hufflepuff student body.”
Harry could feel anger rising in his chest, but he forcefully shoved it down. “How is Glareus Ineffectivus going to improve things? Without his patented death glare, how is he to maintain order?”
“Tomorrow morning, while the students are at breakfast in the Great Hall, Severus will be receiving his discharge diagnosis. You will be using that cloak of yours to conceal yourself, as you cast the spell, silently.”
“You still haven’t explained how the spell is going to help him-”
“Have you forgotten that there is a cheering charm element to the spell? With every ineffective glare he imparts, his brain will release dopamine, which will calm him. The students will be puzzled by his reaction, also a side effect of the spell, which should return their focus to their studies. In a few days, the unfortunate situation with the Hufflepuffs should resolve.”
“But what about the other classes? Will the spell undermine the Gryffindor/Slytherin classes? Those glares really do maintain order.”
“Minerva has reported that these classes have been on their best behavior. Furthermore, the Ravenclaw students have been unnaturally silent during class, not willing to incur the Professor’s wrath.”
“How long will you be keeping him under this spell?”
“As long as it takes for Severus to work out his anger. I shall meet with him daily, to assess his progress.”
“Good luck with that!”
“The spell will assist in compliance, Harry. He uses his glare on me as well, but said attempted glare with a dopamine release will make him amenable to the counseling he will also be receiving. As the physical and emotional pain resolve, the vicious feedback loop of civil disobedience amidst the Hufflepuffs and his retaliation with glaring, followed by loss of points and detention should cease. And I intend to remind Severus that perceiving a student’s tendency to fill free time with childish behavior as deliberate humiliation, is only hurting himself.”
“He and his research notes were covered in slime, Madam!” Harry snarled.
“He hexed two students, Harry. Have you forgotten that?”
Harry was struck speechless. He was totally unaware there were hexes fired.
“I’ll do it, but you must promise me that you will address the entire Hufflepuff House, regarding the need for obedience in his class. Severus is experiencing pain from their behavior, surely that is low level torture. They need not know that, they can be told that they are creating a hostile classroom environment by being surly towards their Professor. All professors deserve respect, Minerva, they need to be reminded of that. They owe their freedom from tyranny to him, they better start behaving as though they appreciate his sacrifice.
“You have my word, I will meet with all of Hufflepuff House. I’ll make a general announcement in the Great Hall before dinner is served, for the badgers to report to their common room afterwards.”
“Take good care of him tonight, Poppy. He’s been miserable this last week, it really hurts to see him suffer.”
“No worries, Harry, he’ll be fine. He is my favorite patient, after all.”
The following morning, as the students gathered in the Great Hall for breakfast, Harry hurried into the infirmary, well-hidden by his Invisibility Cloak. He could hear Madam Pomfrey discussing discharge instructions with his prickly partner. Just before Severus could unleash his signature glare, Harry wordlessly cast Glareus Ineffectivus. Severus had a moment of confusion before his face registered puzzlement instead of rage. Not wanting to show any weakness in his emotional armor, he occluded that emotion and nodded his understanding of the Mediwitches’ instructions. Harry then hightailed it out of the Infirmary, then hid behind a suit of armor, removing, shrinking, and pocketing his cloak, before returning to fetch Severus, acting as if he were hurrying in after breakfast.
“Hullo, Severus”, he exclaimed as he drew the dour man into an enthusiastic embrace.
“Cease your emotional display, Harry, I was only gone overnight,” Severus grumbled, secretly enjoying the warmth radiating off Harry as his arms enveloped the Potions Master.
Harry released his partner, but stayed close as they exited the Infirmary together.
“How are you feeling, Severus? I’ve been worried about you,” Harry whispered.
“I am in far less pain today. Madam Pomfrey explained the mind-body-pain feedback loop that Nagini’s venom seems to have enhanced. When I get angry, if I do not calm myself immediately, I will experience pain, which increases as my anger or anxiety does.”
“Did she discuss anything else?”
“She mentioned that my stress hormones were so high, that any attempt to glare menacingly could have unexpected results. She didn’t mention any particular effects, so I haven’t a clue what she meant.” Harry escorted his partner to the laboratory classroom, an additional idea mulling in his head. Severus needed additional ammunition at his disposal, and Harry had just the spell, Belligerentor Transformus. Harry cast is wordlessly, before heading to his own classroom.
Author’s Note: This nifty spell, which was meant to be cast over a room where unruly behavior was expected, acts by reflecting a persons misdeeds, but in such a way that the witch or wizard would be humiliated, always humorously so. In a classroom with seething Hufflepuffs, Severus would definitely benefit from a spell that would effectively punish churlish behavior while de-escalating the Professor’s stress level, as well as the stress felt by a number of the students.
The first Potions class of the day was with the third year Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw students. The Ravenclaws went directly to their seats and set up their cauldrons. The Hufflepuffs were figuratively dragging their feet as they took their seats, and were likewise slower in setting up their cauldrons. Despite the passive aggression amongst the badgers, there was no outright disobedience. Yet.
Professor Snape turned to the blackboard, as was his habit, to wandlessly spell the directions for a newly reformulated Cheering Potion, one without addiction potential. As his back was to the class, one of the Hufflepuffs, the student whose gobstones started the whole Hufflepuff kerfuffle, transfigured his spare quill into a large stag beetle, which was intended to circle Snape’s head, like the Moon circles the Earth, just a hell of a lot closer, and noisy as hell to boot.
With the Belligerentor Transformus spell in effect, said beetle multiplied into a swarm, which madly revolved around the head of the offending student.
The remaining students were stunned silent. The sound of chalk waltzing across the blackboard competed with the buzzing of the confused swarm of stag beetles, which resulted in a rapid turn and robe billow from the harsh professor. As he attempted his dreaded stare, the frankly frightened offender’s robes were immediately transformed into a stunningly realistic stag beetle costume, complete with massive pincers and an extra set of legs. The transfigured and multiplied beetle swarm reverted to a single quill. There was dead silence, followed by a sound never heard by any student. Ever. As in, never, ever.
Severus Snape, Potions Master extraordinaire, former Hogwarts Headmaster, consummate spy for the Light, and revered war hero, laughed. It started with a stifled chuckle, but quickly evolved in all-out guffawing. He was gasping for air, and tears were streaming, he was laughing so hard. The class was terrified that they had somehow broken their professor. One of the Ravenclaw students ran out of class and fetched Professor Potter.
Harry, who was preparing for his second period class of seventh year NEWT DADA students, was startled into action when the Ravenclaw appeared, explaining the dire situation in the Potions classroom. He was curious about the result of the two spells colliding, and was worried about the effect they would have on his beloved partner. As he hurried down to the Potions lab, Headmistress McGonagall, who has just arrived at Harry’s offices, followed them.
The sights and sounds of Severus Snape, guffawing wildly, with tears streaming and hair swinging to and fro, as well as the presence of a stag beetle attired student, prompted Harry to wandlessly cast Finite Incantatum over the classroom and his partner. Silence once again prevailed.
“Would someone please explain why I found Mister Grapestomper masquerading as a quite convincing stag beetle, causing an event never before seen at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry?” McGonagall queried, in her most authoritative brogue.
Thaddeus Grapestomper blushed under the sharp stare of the Headmistress. In the ensuing silence, Severus Snape spoke.
“Mister Grapestomper here took it upon himself to cure me of my agitated mood. I haven’t laughed so hard in, well, ever. I feel quite refreshed. In the spirit of reconciliation, you are relieved of your remaining detention, and I will award Hufflepuff House four hundred and fifty points, the total I deducted after the unfortunate incident in this class. Sadly, Mister Grapestomper, the fifty points I deducted when your gobstones exploded, I can not give back. That work I was poring over is rather old and very important. Removing the stench took hours. I do think, however, that after you all copy the potion instructions on the board, I will, in the spirit of harmony, dismiss the class. I expect you to read up on the standard cheering potion, and prepare a one foot parchment on how the new recipe is superior to the standard.
The still stunned students did as instructed. Equipment was rapidly stowed, instructions were copied, and the class left in an orderly fashion, all except one.
Thaddeus Grapestomper approached Professor Snape. “Sir, I apologize for all the trouble I have caused. Thank you for not punishing me further,” he uttered fearfully.
“Mister Grapestomper, it has recently come to my attention that your familiar, a beautiful tawny owl, was killed by a kneazel. Such a loss can cause disruptive behavior in young wizards, as sadness is often seen as weakness by your male peers. Speak with Hagrid, he is surprising effective in grief counseling after such a loss. And remember to feed any rock cakes he gives you to his boarhound. It’s the only creature that can stomach them.”
With those parting words, he exited the classroom, and accompanied Harry and Minerva to his partner’s office.
When the trio were comfortably seated in Harry’s office, Severus unleashed a rare smile. “Professor Potter, I detected your magical signature in my classroom. Normally, I would be livid with any spellwork done without my express permission. However, I find that the pure joy I felt while laughing has cancelled any desire to retaliate. I am presently pain free, and I can not thank you enough. And the visual of Mister Grapestomper as a stag beetle, that will fill me with joy for a very long time. I got my revenge and experienced reconciliation in one fell swoop. Thank you, Harry.” In a rare display of affection, Severus gathered Harry in his arms, and whispered “I love you, my dunderhead. Bond with me.”
“When?”
“Now. Minerva has the necessary credentials. You know me better than I know myself. Bond with me. Please.”
“How can I say no to such a heartfelt proposal?”
“Gentlemen, I would be honored. Severus Snape, do you-”
“Yes I do.”
“Oh my, the abbreviated ceremony. Harry Potter-”
“Yes.”
“Harry, I didn’t even ask the question”
“It doesn’t matter, Severus, my answer is yes. A thousand times yes.”
Minerva was mildly flabbergasted. “I now pronounce you bonded. You are released of teaching duties for the next forty eight hours. Oh, and Severus, ask Poppy about natural male bearers. I think you will be pleasantly surprised.” With that shocking statement, Minerva left the office, having delivered the news Madam Pompey had given her to deliver.
The two newly bonded wizards did not know that the Mediwitch had a few dubious spells of her own in her arsenal. As Harry cast Glareus Effectivus on Severus, Poppy sensed an additional magical signature emanating from him, and cast Gravidarum Nova. The new signature was very weak, meaning it was literally only a few days old. She only told Minerva that she discovered Harry was a natural bearer, in time, Minerva would learn that Harry and Severus would soon be a family of three.
Sometimes humiliation by gobstones can lead to something wonderful. Eileen Prince would have been proud.