InsaneJournal

Severus waits.

Every Friday night, Severus sits at the corner of the bar with his back to the door. Normally, his sense of self-preservation would prevent this stupidity, but if that sense still worked, he wouldn't be here.

Plus, he hates the idea of sitting and waiting, staring at the door that opens and shuts, never showing the one he wants. The one he wishes would walk through that door.

It's just the burn of the alcohol to keep himself company. He shakes his head, almost laughing at the thought that he's turning into his dear old father.

He watches the people in the booths along the wall. Various groups of men and women drink and laugh. Some of them he recognizes from Hogwarts. At the bar, he eyes witches and wizards talking, all desperate to hook up. They buy each other drinks and turn on the charm. He doesn't interact with them.

The bartender knows him now. Severus doesn't bother learning his name, just that he's training under Madam Rosmerta. That isn't why he's here. Still, it helps that the bartender knows not only his drink but also how many to give him.

He wants to drink himself stupid. He wants to forget the reason he's here in the first place. He wants to stop waiting for someone who will never come. And yet, he can't help but feel a glimmer of hope each time they pass each other in the halls of the Ministry, can't help but notice a calculating stare when his back is turned.

Severus downs the last of his third drink and feels despair wash over him. Again. He's always thought himself a masochist but never to this extent. Apparently, he knows himself even less than he thought he did. Why does he continue to do this to himself?

He wants to cry.

The bartender gives him a sympathetic look and takes the third Firewhisky off the bill. Severus snorts and lays down several Galleons onto the counter. He doesn't need any pity. He knows he could leave anytime he wants.

But what if Potter showed the one night he didn't?

**

It's Friday again and Severus is already on his second drink. They've spent so much time together at work Severus is practically vibrating with need. He knew it would be a mistake for them to work this case together; it was just the wrong reason.

At first, it was exactly as he expected. They constantly sniped at and insulted each other. At one point, Severus had even sabotaged a case to get back at him.

Then, there was a shift. Severus could see how miserable Potter was in his marriage, how trapped he felt as an Auror. He found himself consoling the brat.

Fuck, that had been his mistake. The foolish Gryffindor wore him down. Severus didn't have a lot of experience comforting others but it seemed to help.

If only they hadn't kissed.

Severus knew he wasn't his mother. Perhaps that was the problem. He'd never kiss Lily Evans.

The kiss was exactly what he needed. It was everything Severus was missing in his life. It woke something up inside him, made him want to live rather than just be alive. Of course, the idiot fled afterward without even a second glance. Severus wasn't even hurt about it. He understood Potter was in an ethical dilemma.

As they worked together even more closely, it grew more and more difficult for Severus to resist temptation. Each accidental touch sent shivers down his arms. The boy's face was an open book; he could see the desire written across his face.

Potter held his resolve, minus a few moments of weakness. They had snogged for a while in one of the supply cupboards. Still, he won't go any further than they already had.

Severus finishes his drink and coughs. Eventually, he told Potter that he'd be at the Three Broomsticks every Friday from seven to midnight. Waiting.

It's been a long and miserable two months. Fuck, why must powerful men continue to run his life?

He feels the air pressure shift as the door opens, followed by a familiar sense of magic. The bar seems to quiet -- or perhaps it's all in Severus's imagination as Harry Potter, the man haunting and ruling his dreams, sits beside him.

"Why am I here, Severus?"

It doesn't feel like a question so he doesn't answer. Instead, he motions to the bartender for another drink. Potter asks for the same and they sit in silence.

"I don't want to cheat on my wife."

"You fool." Severus's voice is a low hiss, surprising even himself. "You've been cheating on her for months. Just because we haven't fucked yet doesn't mean you haven't cheated."

Potter's eyes dart back and forth. Severus feels a wandless and wordless Privacy Charm come up around them. Finally, Potter turns to him and Severus wishes he hadn't. He almost wishes Potter hadn't come at all.

"Thank you for respecting my wishes and not talking about this at work. It makes it easier to compartmentalize everything." Potter bites his lip and Severus wants to chew on it, too.

Severus doesn't know what to say. They don't discuss it but even their colleagues know something is happening. Is Potter that blind or is he really in complete denial?

"You're right, too. We haven't f-fucked but I'm not being faithful to Ginny. Not for a long time."

He frowns. A long time? "How long have you been thinking about me?"

Potter curses under his breath. "So maybe I've had feelings I couldn't explain for a while. Probably even when I was in school. I think we've always been drawn to each other, don't you think?"

Severus shifts in his stool. Of course a Gryffindor would want to talk about their feelings in great detail. "I suppose that's accurate."

They stare at each other for a moment longer until Potter clears his throat and starts again. "What I feel for you is complicated. What Gin and I have is complicated. I hope you understand that."

A wave of anger washes over him. "Why else would I wait for you like this, like some fucking damsel in distress? I understand perfectly what I'm asking you to do."

Potter pauses. "Sorry. I didn't mean it like that."

"I haven't asked you to do anything." Severus's voice quivers. This won't do. Potter can't know how much he's gotten to him, how far gone he is. He doesn't show his weaknesses, only exploit others'. "I am exactly where I want to be. Are you?"

"I don't know." Potter looks miserable.

"Then go." Severus tips back the last of his drink. "Go, and return if you're ready to address this. I refuse to be the villain in this situation."

Potter runs his fingers through his hair. "You're right. As usual. Will you — will you walk me out?"

They stand and Severus pays for their drinks. If the patrons notice anything is amiss about Harry Potter and Severus Snape leaving a bar together, they don't show it in their expressions.

He holds the door open for Potter and they walk out, turning a corner away from the main road.

"Is she waiting for you?"

Potter shakes his head. "No, she's out of town this week. Training. Again."

Severus bites his tongue. Potter is so desperate to have a nuclear family, to be that perfect picture of what his parents had — in his mind, of course — that he doesn't realize that Ginny Weasley can't give that to him. She's always been a free spirit, someone who won't be tied down to a house with a picket fence and three children named after loved ones. Severus bets Ginny is seeing someone on the side too, but he'd never bring that up with Potter. He doesn't think he could bear to see the hurt on his face.

They find themselves in a secluded area and Severus takes the risk of allowing their hands to brush together. Potter draws in a sharp breath and looks up.

"Please."

Severus stops and turns, resting his hand on Potter's hip. He licks his lips as Potter's pupils dilate, want surging through them like electricity. They look around, almost subconsciously, to make sure they are truly alone.

Potter leans forward, rising on his toes and brings his lips to Severus's. Kissing Potter will never stop surprising Severus. What perhaps looks like an ordinary kiss to an outsider is really the answer to a call on a deeper level of what Severus has always wanted. He feels Potter deep within his bones and Severus believes they were meant for each other, even though the timing is off. Despite the fact that Severus is twenty years Potter's senior, it doesn't seem to change the utter completeness he feels.

The kiss brings a promise of possibilities. Potter moans in Severus's mouth, pulling them closer together. Severus wants to pin Potter against one of the trees in a clearing and fuck him, claim him as his own. He wants to show Potter just how compatible they are.

Severus despises the fact that Potter makes him weak like this, like a schoolgirl swooning at every movement, but he is done trying to stop it. He never dared to dream Potter could feel the same way. Judging by the kiss, he has to. Potter has never been good at pretending.

Without warning, Potter pulls away, gasping for breath. "I'm sorry." Potter wipes his mouth, his index finger lingering on his lower lip. "I can't do this."

Before Severus can respond, Potter Disapparates. He feels his spirits sink. Is that it? Are they done? Should he even bother showing up next Friday? Even worse, how can he keep working with Potter?

This time, he returns to the Three Broomsticks and orders two more drinks. He knows he isn't waiting for anyone tonight.

**

Severus is almost done with his third drink the next Friday night when Potter sits beside him.

He's surprised. At this point, Severus almost wants to pine after Potter, forever in a zone of unrequited love. It would be a lot fucking easier if he didn't have to examine his feelings for the boy on a deeper level.

"Well done on that lead today. I caught him, Severus. Smelding is in Auror custody."

"Excellent. Were you the one who made the arrest?"

Potter nods, his eyes bright. "It won't bring back his victims but it makes London a much safer place."

Severus is selfish because what that truly means is that he no longer has a reason to work with Potter. He berates himself for wishing that more people might die so he'd have an opportunity to see Potter daily.

The unspoken topic seems to float between them for a moment before Potter clears his throat. "Robards wanted me to see if you are interested in a permanent contracted position. You'd consult on Potions and provide expertise on Dark artifacts."

"Oh?" Severus raises an eyebrow. It's been mentioned in passing but this is the first explicit offer he's heard.

Potter presses his lips together, his face flushed. "Yeah. You've done so much to help the Auror Department."

"I make good money with my owl order potions business. Why stress myself out with a position like this?" Severus can't help but press Potter's buttons.

"Er -- I'd like it if we worked together more often." Potter looks away from Severus and scratches the back of his neck.

Severus's heart stops. "You would?"

Potter nods slowly. He glances around the pub and slides his hand over Severus's thigh. "Can we go somewhere a little more private?"

His mouth is dry but he manages a, "Yes."

They exit the Three Broomsticks again. Severus notes the similarities from the week before but also knows where this could lead and he feels the thrill of anticipation rush through him.

Once they step out into the street, Severus grasps Potter's wrists and Apparates them to his flat. Potter gasps as Severus pulls him closer, their foreheads touching.

"Do you want this?" Severus can barely recognize his voice. It's low and thick with desire.

"Yes." Potter's voice is a hiss. He grabs Severus's collar and pulls him down into a kiss.

They've kissed before but something about this feels different. Severus knows that this is leading to something else; they're crossing a line they've avoided for months. Potter clings to Severus, his fingers gripping him with bruising strength.

Severus wants this. It's been years since he's been intimate with another person and even longer since it was with someone who truly mattered. He cups Potter's cheeks with his hands, feeling as though he can finally lay claim to the man who's haunted his dreams.

Potter moves closer to Severus, their chests flush against each other. Severus slides his hands down Potter's body, feeling the muscles tensing under his touch. They kiss until Severus can hardly breathe. He's painfully aroused and it doesn't help that Potter keeps pressing his hips forward.

He pulls away, drawing in a deep breath. "Bedroom?"

"Wait." Potter grabs Severus's hands. It's an intimate gesture that sends goosebumps down his arms. "I've never -- not with another man."

"Do you think that makes you any less appealing to me?" Severus runs his thumb along the inside of Potter's hand. He notices he isn't wearing his wedding ring.

Potter flushes. "I just mean -- go slow, okay?"

Severus leads Potter to his bedroom by his hand. "I have little interest in doing anything you aren't ready to do."

He nods and begins to unbutton his Auror robes. Severus shakes his head. "Let me."

Potter freezes as Severus grasps one of his buttons. Severus feels like he's unwrapping a present, tugging at each button until he can see the soft skin beneath his robes.

"So beautiful." He murmurs it more to himself than to Potter but he draws a sharp breath in response.

"Please, Severus."

He slides Potter's robes down his body, almost completely naked. Severus runs a shaking hand over the cleft of Potter's arse. He wants to make this last but he's unbearably hard.

Potter takes a step back and lets himself fall to the bed. It's dark in the bedroom but Severus manages to see everything.

This is wrong. He's knowingly starting an affair with a married man who was once his student, let alone the fact that he's the offspring of his childhood bully. There's so much between them, so many reasons why he and Potter shouldn't do this.

Yet, Severus has spent too many years arguing with his conscience. He's had to put aside what he wants for the "greater good." First it was Voldemort followed by Dumbledore. Just this once, Severus deserves to be selfish. This man lying in front of him, legs spread in invitation, is what he truly wants for the first time in years.

"Are you having doubts?" Potter bites his lip and looks uncertain.

Severus climbs onto the bed, resting his hands on either side of Potter's body. "Never, Potter."

Potter strains his neck and presses a kiss to Severus's neck. "Call me Harry."

"Harry." Severus hasn't dared call him that even in his thoughts, the fear of being so familiar it'd end only in heartbreak.

"Take off your robes."

Severus complies, unaware of how Harry might react face to face with the reality that he isn't beautiful, that his body is pale and marred with marks. He watches Harry as he kneels above him, searches for indication of disgust or regret. It doesn't come.

"I want you."

He almost can't believe it, but then again, Harry is an idiot. Severus latches onto Harry's neck, sucking a deep mark. This too, is stupid, but he can't bring himself to care, especially when Harry doesn't stop him.

Severus continues, dragging his tongue down Harry's body, encircling his nipples, nipping at the buds. Harry lets out a loud moan and thrusts up. He feels the curve of Harry's cock against his hip and Severus knows neither of them can last. Even though he wants to draw this out, make Harry beg for it, he can't postpone it any longer.

After sitting up, he grabs his wand from his robes and casts a quick Stretching and Lubricating charm on Harry. He squirms and Severus can't help but whisper an apology.

"Spread your legs, Harry."

Harry complies and Severus is treated to the view of his most intimate area, his cock leaking, bollocks straining. He swipes some lube from Harry's arse and coats his own prick, positioning himself at the entrance. Harry tenses, then wraps his legs around Severus's hips. Severus takes in several deep breaths, hoping he can slow his breathing to no avail.

Severus enters Harry's tight hole. He's careful to watch Harry's face as he inches forward, making sure he doesn't hurt him. Harry is staring back at him with a determined expression. He lets out a soft, "oh," once Severus is fully inside him.

"Are you alright?"

Harry nods. "You aren't going to break me, Severus."

He begins to move his hips, practically gasping with pleasure as he fucks Harry. Severus can't believe that this moment is actually here, that for once he gets what he wants.

And yet, it's more than just this moment in bed. While this is absolutely satiating, Severus would be content with an intimate night on the sofa. He's been desperate for something, any sort of confirmation that Harry wants him. It isn't about a steamy kiss or a quick fuck, it's that in this moment, Harry's chosen him.

Severus tries to hold onto the moment, stretch it out as long as it can go, but Harry is so tight and the noises he's making go straight to Severus's gut. He doesn't even realize he's moving quicker, burying himself in Harry's arse, wanking him with his hand.

He adjusts his angle, searching for the right spot.

"Oh, fuck." Harry suddenly throws his head back, his eyes shut in pleasure.

Severus is unrelenting. He hits the spot deep within Harry again and again. Harry begins to moan with each thrust, gripping the sheets with white knuckles.

It's an unimaginable sight, sending Severus over the edge. Pleasure floods his senses and his orgasm rips through him. He lets out a sob as he empties himself inside Harry.

Harry's climax follows quickly, come ribboning out between them as Severus collapses on top of him.

They're silent as they catch their breaths. Severus isn't sure what to say. He wants to ask Harry to spend the night. Fuck, he wants to beg Harry to spent the rest of his life with him.

Instead, he pulls himself out and performs a wandless cleaning spell over both of them. Harry shivers at the magic.

"I never knew it could be like that."

Severus shrugs. "Bottoming does feel quite nice if your partner knows what he's doing."

Harry shakes his head. "No, I meant sex." He clears his throat. "It isn't normally that intense with her. I felt --"

He doesn't have to finish because Severus understands what he means. It never feels like that. "Do you know what you're going to do?"

At first, Harry is silent. Severus knows that's not the response he wants. Finally, Harry sits up and finds his pants, sliding them up his legs. "No, I don't."

Severus can't help the anger that floods through him. "Was this just an experimental fuck? To get me out of your system?"

Harry's jaw drops. "No. Never. There's just so much to figure out. How am I going to tell Ron and the rest of the family? They have no idea."

"You're a coward." Severus knows what's coming. He knows that Harry can't bring himself to leave his wife. It may as well be a clean break.

Tears fill Harry's eyes. "You don't mean that. I know you know this is more complicated than that. Severus, I'm in love with you."

The fire burning in his body seems to contain itself and Severus cups Harry's cheeks, pressing a kiss to his lips. "I can't share you any longer, Harry."

"I know."

It hurts too much to push the conversation farther. Severus can't be cruel to Harry any longer. They fall asleep with Harry in his arms but he's gone when Severus wakes up.

**

Severus doesn't know why he's in Hogsmeade again but his Friday night waiting game is the most consistent part of his life. Harry's been on vacation all week but he assumes the brat is avoiding him. Or maybe he's gone to renew his vows with his wife. It no longer matters. At least the Three Broomsticks has Firewhisky.

He's turned down the position with the Ministry. Severus can't work with Harry. He wants to spend the rest of his life brewing and forgetting about all of this.

As he opens the door to the pub he notices a familiar curl of magic. Severus's eyes widen when he notices Harry sitting at a booth across the room. His heart stops when Harry smiles.

What exactly is happening? Why is Harry here? Severus approaches the booth and stares down at Harry, who squirms under his gaze.

"You left last week." Severus hates that's what he manages to say when he has so many questions.

"I ordered you a Firewhisky." Harry motions toward the drink across from him.

Severus sits, not daring to assume anything. He notices the ring is still absent from Harry's finger, that the shadow of stress and life weighing him down is gone.

"I was worried you wouldn't show." Harry's cheeks pinkened and he looked away. "I can't imagine how you felt after all this time."

He tips back the Firewhisky and for once, he doesn't feel the burn. Instead, warmth spreads out from his core all the way to his fingers and toes.

They have a lot to discuss.