Snarry-a-Thon13: FIC: An Invitation to a Kidnapping, or a fate worse than Puce. Title: An Invitation to a Kidnapping, or a fate worse than Puce. Author:shiv5468 Other pairings/threesome: HG/LM Rating: PG-13 Word count: 3,703 Content/Warning(s): None Prompt: AU - Regency era romance a la Georgette Heyer. Harry comes to London for his first season and meets Severus there. Can be magical or not. Summary: A young man in his first season should be concerned solely with matters of style and not love.
An Invitation to a Kidnapping, or a fate worse than Puce
"It is my opinion that a young man in his first season should be concerned solely with matters of style," Lucius said. "He should not concern himself with serious matters, such as love, until he has passed at least two seasons in polite society, had his heart broken at least once, and has learned to tie his cravat."
"If one were to wait until a man matures before considering love, one would be waiting a long time," Hermione replied.
"I made no mention of maturity," Lucius replied. "Merely of acquiring style. Maturity is a dreadful fate to befall a man. It affects his choice of waistcoats, and turns his thoughts to puce."
"And puce is a terrible thing?"
"Indeed so. If you have any doubts on the matter, you only have to consider the appearance of young Mr Weasley at Lady McGonagall’s musicale."
Hermione shuddered delicately.
"You concede the point?"
"I hardly think that his choice of waistcoat is linked to maturity," Hermione replied.
"Now there you have me." Lucius opened a sleepy eye and regarded his companion with amusement.
~*~
Severus had retired to bed early with a hangover and a bottle of brandy that ensured that his headache would not be susceptible to amelioration in a month of Sundays. It was, he felt, an entirely appropriate way to deal with heartbreak.
It was his own sodding fault, and there was no one to blame but himself, and so he would marinate his woes in high class cognac and become pale and interesting. Paler. More interesting.
His head was throbbing.
It took several minutes for him to realise that the pounding was external.
He had a vague memory of kicking the house-elf butler across the hallway and setting him to clearing out the kitchen grate.
He flung the door wide. "What the hell d’you mean by disturbing me at this hour?"
Potter pushed past him, through the open front door, and through into the hallway. "Where is he?"
Severus blinked at the young man, caught flatfooted by the enquiry, and horribly aware that he was wearing a grey nightshirt and had bare feet. "Where’s who?"
"Malfoy."
"As you spent most of the evening in his company, I fail to see why you expect to find him here." A fact he had observed at a distance, whilst drinking the best part of his host’s brandy, and wondering how long it would be before the young man succumbed to the charms of a floozy like Malfoy.
Potter scowled. "Not Draco. Lucius."
"He’s certainly not here." Severus drew his dressing gown and his dignity around him. "What bee do you have in your bonnet now?"
"He’s run off with Hermione."
Severus gave a bark of laughter. "Nonsense."
Potter held out a piece of paper. Severus could distinguish the handwriting of his friend, but could not recognise the sentiments set out therein as being likely to proceed from his pen.
"You take this confession of undying affection for Miss Granger seriously?" Severus asked.
"Of course not."
"Oh, good, then what are you doing here…?"
Potter’s scowl deepened. "I don’t take him seriously, but I rather think Hermione does."
"Oh." Severus sat down on his sofa, and wished for sobriety and some slippers.
"So, I’m going to hunt the bastard down…." Potter paced to and fro before the fireplace, his fingers twitching towards his wand.
"I’ll come with you," Severus said.
Potter turned sharply on his heel. "I don’t need a keeper."
"I’m coming along to make sure you don’t kill Lucius."
"And why should you do that?" Potter snarled.
"Presumably, Miss Granger has some affection for him. She may take it amiss if you put a period to his existence, or he to yours, one supposes." Severus lurched to his feet. "You wait here, whilst I dress, and then we will set out in search of the errant couple."
Potter settled uneasily on the sofa. "You’ve got ten minutes."
Severus raised an eyebrow. "I have as long as I need, unless you think that either Draco or the Malfoy house-elves will give you any information at all without my help, in which case you’re a bigger fool than I took you for."
Control over the situation established to his satisfaction, Severus strode off to dress.
~*~
Hermione yawned. "What time is it?"
Lucius extracted an ornate pocket watch, enamelled with peacocks, which shifted and opened their tails under Hermione’s gaze. "Approaching eleven o’clock," he said.
"Harry should be worrying about me by now."
"I do hope you’re not hoping for rescue, Miss Granger." Lucius smiled, and leaned forward. "I have taken great care to cover our tracks, so that there is no possibility of young Potter finding which way we have gone."
"I have every faith in Harry," she replied, and smiled in return.
~*~
"I have my carriage," Potter said. "If we set out now, we cannot be far behind them."
"And where, quite, shall we set off for?"
Potter snapped his mouth shut with an audible click.
Severus sighed. He flicked his coat tails back, and settled on the chair by the fire. He flicked his wand at the fire, and the flames roared into life. "Malfoy Manor."
The head of an elf appeared in the fire, green and flickering. "How may I help Master?"
"Is it possible to speak to Lucius?"
"The Master isn’t at home," the elf replied. "I will be ironing my hands in apology later."
"And the Young Master?" Severus asked.
The elf’s face brightened, his ears flapping as he nodded. "I can fetch the Young Master."
"Do so," Severus said, waving his hand to shoo the elf off.
It was several minutes of awkward silence between the two men before Draco’s face appeared in the fire.
"Uncle Severus?" Draco said.
"Do stop calling me that," Severus said.
Draco smirked. "How can I help you?"
Severus narrowed his eyes at Draco, but let the point drop. "Do you have any idea where your father is tonight?"
"No, does he need an alibi?"
"He’ll need more than that," Potter muttered.
Draco’s eyes flicked to Harry. "What is going on?"
"Your father has run off with Hermione Granger," Potter snapped. "Doubtless with the most foul intentions towards her."
"He’s reformed," Draco said. "And besides why would he want to kill Granger? She’s annoying, I grant you, but not that annoying."
"Slightly less than the most foul intentions," Severus put in, before the quarrel could develop. "He has apparently run off with the chit."
Draco snorted with laughter. "Granger? And my father? Not without Imperio, and she don’t strike me as the type."
"He talks of marriage," Potter said flatly. "In the note he left."
"Marriage?" Draco choked. "With her?"
"You do not find the thought of a step-mother of the same age attractive?" Potter asked pointedly.
"Do keep your Gryffindor under control," Draco said. "Subtlety doesn’t suit him."
"And yet, you are just about to tell us where you think Lucius has gone," Severus said.
Draco glared at them impartially. "Give me a moment, and I will ask the elves what they know."
~*~
"How much further do we have to travel?" Hermione asked.
"Are you fatigued, my dear?"
"A little. Being kidnapped is rather enervating. I feel I should retire to my bed after this adventure for at least a week, and eat nothing but calves’ foot jelly."
Lucius raised an eyebrow. "I shall endeavour to make the experience as restful as possible, as calves’ foot jelly is a sacrifice no one should be asked to make – the thestrals are a matched pair, the cushioning charms to the carriage were applied by the finest wizards, and if you look under the seat next to you, you will find a hip flask of cognac."
Hermione rummaged under the cushions and produced the suggested liquor, and two cut crystal glasses which were deftly filled without spilling a drop. She handed one to her partner in crime, and sniffed the contents of her own glass.
"I will concede that this is quite the nicest kidnapping I have been subjected to. I doubt Ronald could have done half so well," Hermione said brightly, and touched glasses with Lucius.
Lucius bowed his head. "How delightful it is to be appreciated."
"Isn’t it?"
~*~
The Malfoy elves were not forthcoming, but the way in which they were not forthcoming spoke volumes as to matters they had been asked to conceal. Their silence on the issue of the missing thestrals, the absence of the carriage, and a subtle Point Me charm later gave all the additional information required, and barely fifteen minutes later Harry and Severus were on their way towards Gretna Green.
"Do you consider that we will be able to catch them before the border, before Malfoy has done something irrevocable?" Potter asked.
"I thought your team was considered to be the best in the country? Certainly according to Witch Weekly," Severus replied. He settled back against the cushions and smirked. "Besides, I doubt a witch of Miss Granger’s calibre would be persuaded to such a rash step if Lucius hadn’t already done something irrevocable."
"You seem to approve? I thought you had set your heart against all romance?"
Severus snorted. "Romance? You think something other than the most cold calculation lies behind their actions? Oh Potter, will you never learn?"
"Their actions?"
"The note suggests their decision to depart for Scotland was mutual."
Potter shook his head. "Hermione must have …" He sighed, and leaned back on the seat. "I don’t know. I don’t understand it."
"What is it that you consider makes the match ineligible?"
"The difference in their ages and stations in life, for one," Potter said.
"Not much more than the difference between our own ages," Severus returned blandly. "Or stations, though I grant that you come from the Pureblood background, and have every right to consider my blood below yours."
"You throw that back in my face now, at a time like this?" Harry sat bolt upright again, with indignation written in every muscle. "It was you who sneered at my offer."
~*~
"I would suggest that you restrain yourself, my dear," Lucius said. "The flask is ever filling, and though I find the process of watching you attempting to drink it dry entertaining, you will fail."
Hermione blinked at him owlishly. "Ronald says that young ladies should not drink cognac."
"I imagine he does."
"He says that young ladies should not study Arithmancy."
"Does he imagine their brains overheat with the strain?" Lucius eyed his companion warily. Miss Granger was volatile enough without the addition of cognac.
"He says it’s unladylike." Hermione showed her ladylike qualities by genteelly hiccoughing. "He says it’s depraved."
"I can assure you it is not," Lucius replied. "I am considered something of an expert in being depraved, and this has not hitherto encompassed Arithmancy."
"Perhaps you’re more depraved than you thought?" Hermione hiccoughed again.
"What an entrancing prospect. Though I am considered reformed these days."
"Which is why you make the perfect partner in crime." Hermione smiled sunnily. "Do you think they have worked it out yet?"
Lucius smirked.
~*~
"Very well," Potter said, eventually breaking the awkward silence in the carriage. "I concede that age will not be a bar to Lucius and Hermione being happy together. Or Lucius’ wealth. In fact, one would suppose that would offer greater opportunities for them to achieve contentment."
"Provided one did not object to being a pensioner of one’s husband," Severus said.
"Do you think that Malfoy would use his greater wealth and position to browbeat Hermione?"
Severus snorted. "I do not suppose that Miss Granger would allow that."
"Then, they could be happy despite their difference in age and status."
Severus pinched the bridge of his nose between his fingers, attempting to ease the pressure of the forming headache. "Nor, presumably, would you suggest that their differing Houses should matter, past their school days?"
"No, nor that." Potter shook his head, and sighed. "There is no reason why they might be unhappy together, other than Malfoy being a preening peacock, and Hermione being too sensible to find that entertaining beyond a se'nnight."
"And the opinion of the world," Severus said heavily. "Who will think much as you do, and condemn Lucius as an old fool."
Potter murmured something as to Lucius’ character, that, if the world shared his opinion, it would be rather worse than merely characterising him as a fool.
Severus sighed, and turned back to face Potter. "Harry, I … The arguments you advance to bar Lucius’ and Hermione’s match are the selfsame arguments that others will raise to bar ours. Can you not see?"
"It’s different." Potter took a deep breath. "I love you, and I believe that you love me."
"I would not have you think otherwise for all the world, and yet…."
"And yet…" Potter said. "Should that weigh in their consideration, if they truly love each other?"
"What will you tell Miss Granger when you overtake her?" Severus replied, giving a Slytherin answer.
~*~
"Do you think they have come to terms yet?" Hermione asked.
"Allowing that we had an hour’s head start at the very least, they would have achieved awkward glances full of speaking silences by now, unless Potter is a complete blockhead." Lucius smirked. "He will have to do the wooing of Severus’ reluctant maid, and I doubt he has had the sense to come prepared with Amortentia, and will leave it all to honesty, and chance."
"Amortentia is no basis for a marriage." Hermione frowned. "It should be based on mutual respect and admiration."
"I have always found it worked for me," Lucius said cheerfully. "The Amortentia, not the mutual respect."
"Possibly because no one respects you?" Hermione said thoughtfully.
Lucius did not frown, as that would have been an unseemly display of emotion, but conveyed a sense of disapproval by inspecting his lace cuffs.
"Perhaps that will change now that you have reformed," Hermione added kindly.
Lucius raised an eyebrow.
Aware of the heavy ground she was floundering on, Hermione cast around for something unexceptional to say. "Can silences speak?"
"I think it would be pleasant to attempt the experiment."
~*~
Potter regarded his fingernails thoughtfully, considering his answer. "I will ask her if she considers that matrimony will change Lucius for the better."
"Which it will not," Severus replied. "His disposition will be fixed at his time of life."
"Then, if she can bear with that, if she considers him a good match, not because of his wealth, but despite it, and in despite of his reputation, I will support her choice," Potter said, looking at Severus from under his eyelashes. "If you can face the truth of someone, and still choose them, then you have chosen truly."
Severus considered Potter through hooded eyes.
"And, besides, you should stand by a friend, even if they are riding for a fall," Potter said. "Particularly if they are riding for a fall."
"Perhaps," Severus said.
Potter sighed heavily. "Very well, we should consider how we can put the best face on this scandal. The Weasleys and the Longbottoms will stand by her, so she will not be entirely without friends. The Slytherin portion of society will take their cue from Lucius. Provided he remains attentive, they will be respectful of her new position. So it is simply a matter of threatening him into being a good husband."
Severus snorted. "My dear Harry, have you discerned their purpose yet? This is not an elopement."
"You mean he does not intend to marry her after all? The bastard."
Severus cast his eyes to heaven.
~*~
The carriage rattled into the Inn courtyard at a quarter after midnight. A sleepy ostler, roused from the stables, came to tend to the thestrals. "You’re expected, m’lord. All is prepared for you, as requested."
Lucius acknowledged the news with nothing more than a dip of his head, then turned to hand Hermione down from the coach.
"Lady McGonagall is in the parlour, my lord," the ostler added. "And there is tea, and some cold cuts set out for you."
Lucius and Hermione made stately progress across the yard, only slightly hampered by the need to step over piles of horse manure. The Inn door opened before they could reach it, and a warmly smiling, ample-bosomed maid ushered them into the building.
Lady McGonagall was seated comfortably by the fire, reading a book. "My dear, how very good to see you," she said, rising and kissing Hermione’s cheek. "I trust you had no trouble on the road." She narrowed her eyes at Lucius.
"I, madam, was no trouble at all, though I beg you will not breathe a word of this to anyone. My reputation, you understand."
"Hmph." Lady McGonagall smiled. "I would be rather more impressed with your airs, Lucius Malfoy, if I hadn‘t known you since you were in petticoats yourself."
Hermione gurgled with laughter. "Oh, Minerva, you should not be so cruel. Mr Malfoy has been very useful."
"And a second hit!" Lucius exclaimed, before devoting his attention to the cold collation. "I trust that the pair of you will cease being kind to me this instant. I cannot take any more of your solicitude."
Lady McGonagall’s austere lips twitched into a smile. "The parson is ready when you are."
"Then we have naught to do but wait. Can I press either of you two ladies to a slice of ham?"
~*~
The ostler had groomed and settled the thestrals by the time that the Potter carriage drew into the Inn. "Sirs, is there aught I can do to help you?"
Potter pressed a coin into the man’s hand. "I am looking for a friend of mine on the road. He has long blond hair and was accompanied by a lady."
"Oh, aye, sir. They’re in the parlour, with the parson." The ostler eyed the coin, then tucked it into his pocket. "Through there, sir."
Potter strode through the yard, passed through the open door, and thence into the parlour, saying over his shoulder to Severus, "I thought you said this was not an elopement?"
"It certainly wasn’t my elopement," Hermione said. "As if there would be any need to marry Lucius in such a hole in the wall way. My parents would be delighted to accept his suit."
"How gratifying," Lucius murmured to Severus. "How very gratifying to find that Muggles would be prepared to welcome me into the family."
"It’s your elopement, Harry," Hermione continued, barely breaking off for a moment’s glare at Lucius. "Yours and Severus’."
"But…" Harry said.
"You’re surely not going to change your mind now," Hermione added, shaking her head. "Not after all the effort I’ve gone to."
"We," said Lucius. "We went to. If there is praise for this endeavour, I should receive my share."
"And blame?" Severus asked.
"Oh, that too. I would prefer blame to praise, to be frank. I am accustomed to the former. Besides, having spent that time alone together, and all without a chaperone, you simply have to marry," Lucius said. "Your reputation requires it, Severus."
"My reputation is hardly unspotted, Lucius. It does not require such a sacrifice from Harry."
"It is precisely because of your reputation that marriage is required," Lady McGonagall said severely. "Think of the scandal."
"Is this to be a double wedding then?" Severus seated himself on one of the chairs by the fire, flicking his tails forward with some energy.
"Me?" Hermione said. "Oh, no, that’s not necessary, thank you for asking."
"I rather thought I would do any asking," Lucius said to the room at large, only to be roundly ignored.
"I think you will find that Hermione and I travelled up to your romantic wedding together, having accepted Mr Malfoy’s kind offer of a conveyance." Lady McGonagall smiled faintly. "Hermione’s reputation remains…unsullied."
"You cannot mean to lend your countenance to this?" Severus protested.
"My dear boy, I shall see you wedded and bedded before the night is out," Lady McGonagall said.
"Hopefully not actually watching," Lucius said quietly, prompting a surprised giggle out of Hermione, before she recollected she should be innocent of such matters and looked suitably demure.
"But Severus doesn’t want to marry me," Harry protested, concentrating on the important issue to hand. "He refused me."
"And he has spent two hours in a carriage with you, on a wild goose chase, knowing very well that he was not pursuing an elopement – I think we can assume he is not indifferent," Lucius said. "Read between the lines, boy."
Severus nodded his assent in response to Harry’s questioning glance, a faint flare of colour shading his cheeks. "But what of Dumbledore?" he asked.
"Is that why you refused me?" Harry said. "The thought of what Dumbledore would say?"
"Aha," Lucius said. "And now we get to the root of the problem."
"Dumbledore will have no objection to the marriage of his two dearest boys," Lady McGonagall said firmly. "I know just how to bring him round."
Lucius looked at her with admiration. "And how is this miracle to be achieved?"
"By telling him to do precisely the opposite."
"I perceive you know, to a nicety, how to manage the man." Lucius bowed. "Come, Severus, you have hopelessly compromised the man. You must pay the price, or no longer call yourself a gentleman."
"I’ve never called myself a gentleman," Severus said, smiling hopefully at Harry. "I leave that to men like you."
"And I haven’t been hopelessly compromised," Harry said. "So if we could have a few moments alone together to rectify that, I believe we will be ready to marry thereafter."
"Brat," said Severus once they were alone, and bent his head to kiss Harry.
And if Harry was not thoroughly compromised before his marriage, it was not for the want of trying.