ella is having a quarter-life crisis. (pixiesque) wrote in sixdegreesrpg, @ 2011-04-16 11:55:00 |
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Entry tags: | 2006 april, retired: ella montgomery |
Who: Ella Montgomery
What: Ella doesn't deals with the tenth anniversary of Finn's death.
When: Saturday, 16 April, 2006
Where: T's --> Beach --> Cemetery --> Dylasau Cottage
Warnings: Lots of sad.
Status: Logged; Complete
It could have been the same as any other day. There was nothing spectacularly different about this Saturday in terms of generality, but Ella had known instinctively that it was different from the moment she managed to slip out of bed long before T had even begun to stir. On a normal Saturday, getting out of bed unnoticed was impossible. She had tried to make food--eggs the way her brother made them. She had noticed this day was not normal when her mind had wandered off, only to return after the eggs had already burned. Inedible as they were, the eggs had been dumped into the rubbish bin without Ella getting a bite of them at all.
Despite the absence of a game that day (and she wouldn't have even been playing had the Harpies had a match), she'd found herself dressed to go to the pitch for a few solo laps before she remembered she had not been to the Harpies' pitch for a week and showing up now would lead to questions she was not prepared to answer should she run into Dan or Gwen. She'd been away without leave, not exactly a permissible action in terms of the rules laid out even for reserves which Ella now was.
She'd done the only other thing, then, that she had thought was possibly a good idea: she jumped off of a cliff. That was one of the many great things about T's new place, the cliffs and the cliff diving that came with it. She fell freely from the highest cliff top nearby that she'd been able to find and closed her eyes, arms held out wide and wand clutched in her wand hand as she pummelled effortlessly toward the sandy, rocky ground below. At the last moment, her body twisted and there was a crack as she Disapparated before she could actually hit the bottom. It had been distraction enough for a few moments, but it still was no ordinary Saturday.
Standing now on the beach below the cliffs, Ella took perch upon a sizeable rock, possibly larger than she was, and pulled her knees up to her chest as she took long, deep breaths as the meaning of today, the reason why today was as far from normal as she could manage, washed over her in an overwhelming way. Finn had been dead for ten years as of today. Though she had known that would be today, had felt it coming closer with each day that had passed for weeks, the solid thought of it made her all forward, head between her knees as she heaved dryly, a reaction she was all too familiar with on these anniversaries. Nothing came up, though she felt as though her insides were twisting and her heart might leap out of her body through sheer force of will.
Today was not about uncertain futures in terms of career, it was not about sea voyages or losing a friend. It was not about being an illegitimate child or fathers and mothers. No, today was about Finn, the wonderful boy who would have been fifteen this year, who would have been taking his OWLs this year. Ella often wondered what house he would have been in and she usually guessed Gryffindor. She wondered now what classes he would have taken, what OWLs he would have earned. He probably would have been spectacular at Defense and he probably would have done very well in Care of Magical Creatures. She wondered if he would have been good with Potions, unlike her, wondered if maybe he would have been bollocks at school in general. He would have played Quidditch, though. Even at three, four, five, he'd always begged to play with them during the summers even though he was small and couldn't understand how to play, nor did he even know how to fly. He had his toy broom, though, and Ella knew he'd have been a natural on a real one.
At the age of five, he'd been much taller than Ella had been at his age. She wondered if he would have been taller than her by now, if they would have joked that she was his little sister now even though she'd always have been older. She would have bet anything that he would have had lots of girlfriends, too, because he'd always been a charismatic and flirtatious child. She wondered if any of them would have been serious. She wondered what it would have been like this coming summer--they probably would have played Quidditch, all of them, this time around. And maybe, just maybe, Ella and Emma would still have no reason to think that they were all anything but siblings, completely, unadulterated.
Ella swiped with the back of her hand at her eyes that stung with hot tears at all of these thoughts. She wanted so badly to move on from this, to accept that Finn was gone and move on while never forgetting him. She couldn't though. For the life of her, all she could do was think of all the life that had been stolen from him, all the things that had been stolen from her and Chad and Emma and their parents. In the briefest of moments, Finn had been robbed of a million more breaths he could have taken and their lives had been forever altered. She couldn't shake the feeling that if she stopped feeling sad that she would forget about the brilliant little boy that had captured her heart the moment he had been born.
She had loved him so much, still did. She had loved him more than she had ever loved anyone and she could never say exactly what it had been about Finn that had demanded so much love from her. It had been different than she even loved Chad and Emma, though the amounts of caring she held for both of them had bottomless depths. Finn, though, he'd had a permanent grasp on her heartstrings from the beginning. And she knew without thinking about it that the little boy's affections toward her had been the same. They were close, so close, and she had been for him what Chad had been for her growing up. She had been his mentor, his big sister. She had never been bigger than anyone before. She had never been anyone's mentor. No one had ever looked up to her the way Finn had.
Ella had no idea how long she had sat there, head between her knees as her body convulsed, trying to get rid of something her body refused to release. It felt like single moments, but it had more than likely been hours by now. As she recovered some semblance of control over herself, she stood atop the rock and wordlessly Disapparated until she was standing at the edge of the cemetery, long, daunting stoned pathway leading on for what seemed like forever. It was a large cemetery, the one where the Montgomerys had chosen to bury the small, lifeless body of Finn. Ella came here every year, but this was the first that she had been here alone. She always came with Emma or Chad, or both, and sometimes with her parents when she could stand to spend a long enough amount of time with her mother to do so. She knew the pathway to his grave like the back of her hand, though, and so she always chose to start here at the beginning and walk her way to his gravesite. Apparating there seemed like cheating and she felt like she should put more effort into seeing him than that.
The walk was only a small comfort, with its beautiful stones and unrivalled history. Muggles and wizards alike were both buried here but Ella could swear she felt magic pulsing in the air, in the ground beneath her feet from the witches and wizards who had all come to rest here, their final resting place. She was a firm believer in that magic was never simply lost. When a witch or wizard died, she believed their magic didn't just die with them and she believed she could feel it here. It was another small comfort to think that maybe some of it was Finn's, even though he had not even been old enough to have a wand when he'd died.
It seemed like no time at all before she was standing in front of his headstone. Finn Lawren Montgomery. Sinking to her knees in front of the stone, Ella held out one hand to press it flat against the cold, rough surface of it. She sat that way for several long moments as the lump formed in her throat and her heart constricted painfully. "I am so sorry, Finn," she breathed and the the tears finally came and the urge to retch subsided. Maybe crying was what she'd needed to do all day. Her head hung low as she sobbed, fat tears spilling to the ground, on her knees. She would have given every breath in her body to have given him these ten years back. She would have gladly died to spare him. Hell, she still would give her life this very second if it meant reversing what was done, meant bringing Finn back to live his life. If it could be done, she wouldn't hesitate, wouldn't waste another single breath deciding if one breath meant another year she could give to him. She would have done anything for him, anything at all. She would have done anything to spare him and yet she'd done nothing at all, had known nothing at all about what was happening until it was already done. Perhaps she was stricken with guilt, knowing that she hadn't been able to do anything to save him.
As her tears subsided, Ella leaned forward and pressed her lips to the stone, not caring how dirty the stone might be. She wanted to move on, she did. She knew Finn wouldn't have looked up to her quite as much had he known that she'd hold herself back like this, unable to let go of the past. Maybe one day she'd find the peace for which she was searching. Who knew? All she knew was that today was not that day. She wouldn't be finding peace today, but at least she always had the strength to face the next day. If nothing else, she had that. With a final, meaningful look at the stone, Ella got to her feet and Disapparated, landing back at her cottage. If she could be at all certain about anything today, it was that she wanted to be alone until she had to go to her family home for dinner.