I started a second one, but it didn't make me as amused at the first one...after a while. So I am just sending you the beginning of this second one...in case you like it as a beginning better than the one for the first beginning. Tell me your thoughts...I hope I have done this job justice...and if so, maybe I'll get into the business of eulogy writing...for people who understand hilarity.
Terrence Higgs….more affectionately known as T, Fuckface, The Amazing Buttopotamus, the Great Avenger, ‘hey you’, the Orange Enabler, and Tyrannosaurus Rex Fuzzlemort. He has been a brother, a friend, a lover, an enemy perhaps for some (though I know he would probably prefer your over dramatics, so do call him your arch nemesis for his benefit), a T-Rex for Merlin’s sake. HE HAS EATEN BABIES FOR OUR SAKE! That is what a T-Rex would do, after all. It is quite clear to me, and I hope to all of you, how instrumental he has been to our very lives. I hope you all realize that without T, our lives would have been a rambling on of nonsense and unoriginality. Yes, yes. I know. You all want to believe that without him, you would still be amazing and brilliant and filled with the rapture of any ordinary day with T, but I am afraid it is all for naught.
One day I asked T…if you could be anything, what would it be? He clearly stated he would be a hyena. I like to believe this was for the laughter and not to ripping and tearing apart of one’s prey, but I can’t say I know for sure. Then again, with teeth like his, I wouldn’t be surprised it was for the ripping and tearing of prey. If this had been prior to his death, I would have to warn you not to trip and fall into his teeth with your shoulder. It is unfortunate for both parties. Then again, I am almost certain he will become a zombie and rise from the dead. That being the case, do not trip and fall into his teeth with your shoulder because he will then promptly begin to eat the skin off your bones and you will die and/or become a zombie. My conscience is now clear, because I have warned you of the dangers of T’s teeth. They are a formidable force not to be trifled with or teased.
Here is a story about T that I remember quite clearly okay, so it’s not strictly real, but that’s hardly important. I was wandering an elaborately planned and excessively excitable party when I happened upon him terrorizing a tray of shrimp with promises to eat their young and their loved ones if they did not behave in a manner than was acceptable. For one, they were being far too polite and listened to none of his jokes with the proper amount of rapt attention expected of shrimp at such a party. In short, they were sitting at an amazing party of his planning…being boring. We all know that boring behaviour at such a party is frowned upon. Unfortunately for those shrimp, they could not find it in themselves to laugh at jokes or make their own…or do anything remotely amusing or entertaining. It is to be expected that they were eaten. A group was gathered together to feast on their flesh and their silent screams echoed around the party. It was both inspirational and sad. Rather like the life and death of one Tyrannosaurus Rex Fuzzlemort.
At the risk of making this eulogy too long, I fear I must edit my creative flow, and leave you with a few words: zaney, musical, bamboozled, glitterpoo, ridiculously garnered, trimmed with lace, boisterous, nonsensical, amazing, brilliant, pickled, gregarious, reticulated, monkey, tarantula, orange juice, preposterous, feathered, jungle. Not all of these necessarily have anything to do with T, but they sounded nice, so I thought it would work. Thank you, and good day.
Once upon a time, there was a man who was part hyena, part T-Rex, part hippopotamus. He was neither hero nor villain. He was…a laughing rex-opotamus…or a hystericalhipposaurus. The one you choose will be for your own reasons. Some knew him as Fuckface, the Amazing Buttopotamus, the Great Avenger, ‘hey you’, the Orange Enabler, and Tyrannosaurus Rex Fuzzlemort. Others simply knew him as T. He made the world a shockingly bright colourful place for all. He took on the oppressive nature of seriousness and kicked its ass into the ground until it cried for mercy. He menaced sadness until it learned to laugh to keep him from returning to its door. He showered laughter and amusement with gifts to always keep them around. No matter what he was to the people he knew, he changed the lives of many with his wacky, glittery personality. Glitter, as all in the land knew, was difficult to get off and got everywhere sort of like jizz and herpes. Meaning this laughing rex-opotamus was just the same. He got everywhere!