Sirius Black Fest 2013: Fic: No Life at All Title: No Life at All Author: Currently behind The Veil Pairing(s)/character(s): Snape/Lily, Snape/Sirius, Snape/Sirius/Remus, mention of James/Lily. Rating: NC-17 Prompt# Prompt #134: You and me in our playhouse Living in a veil We never need to go without Memories bring no joy or peace We are alone And all we need Word count: 17 K Summary: “The human is always ravenous. Nothing is ever enough….” AU of the first war. Severus joined the Order of the Phoenix, Voldemort was defeated. But those who survived didn't emerge from the war unscathed. Friendships were broken, lovers became strangers to each other. And it all started with Snape, naturally. Warnings: Highlight to read*slash M/M/M, angst, mention of non-con, mention of torture * Disclaimer: All rights to HP universe belong to JKR. I make no money from writing fanfiction. A/N: Many thanks to _ and akatnamedeaster for their help and encouragement.
PART ONE
Reconnection
You and me in our playhouse Living in a veil We never need to go without
(1)
“So you aren't going to tell me?”
“Mister Black, you've got to see where I'm coming from,” the elderly records clerk argued. “If someone is truly a good friend of yours, a comrade in arms from the very war that shook the foundations of our world, if you truly were as brothers in the Order of Phoenix - why DON'T you have his address?”
“He gave it to me after the war was over and we parted ways, but I lost it,” Sirius explained, hoping that his tone sounded more or less natural. He was never that brilliant at lying. “I'm not very good with - you know, records and things. My papers are all a mess. And I've moved a lot.”
“And why is it that HE never contacted you, if he truly is a good friend of yours?”
“He may have. But as I've said, I moved a lot. Gone from place to place.” Sirius smiled his best charming smile. It had no appreciable effect. Perhaps it only worked on the opposite gender.
“Hmmmm!” The clerk's aged face was scrunched up as he considered that. “If he truly wanted to find you…”
“He's a proud man, and very private. He - he may have decided I wasn't interested in associating with him, and…”
“Bullshite, young man. Yes, you've heard me. If you were trying to contact a Victorian maiden, yes, I might have believed that interpretation of events. I suspect that Severus Snape simply doesn't want to be found by anybody. Not that I blame him, I understand that the Dark Lord's servants still remember him less than fondly.”
Sirius shut his eyes. This wasn't going well at all - bloody hell, even interrogating the Lestranges had been easier. Veritaserum, he thought longingly. Imperio. My good friends, how I miss you.
“Look, if he really was concerned for his safety, he'd have his house under Fidelius and the discussion would be moot. But there's no Fidelius, is there?” The clerk's face remained absolutely expressionless. “Right, there isn't. I thought so. Did he specifically say that he didn't want to see anyone from the Order?”
“Mister Black!” the clerk's voice rose ever so slightly. “If, indeed, you're accurate in your assessment, why not ask Dumbledore himself for Snape's address? I'm certain that he kept track of all of the Members of the Order.”
Sirius frowned, annoyed. He did, of course, ask Albus for help tracking down Snape, and Albus was as tight-lipped as always. “Severus said he needed time to himself.” “It's been two years!” “Yes, Sirius. Now, about the curriculum…”
“It's embarrassing,” Sirius said ruefully. “I've started teaching Defence against Dark Arts this September. Albus is my employer now. Would YOU tell your boss you've misplaced some important document and need help tracking it down?”
That seemed to have struck a chord.
Fifteen minutes later, Sirius had the piece of parchment with the address on it.
“Thank you,” Sirius said, grinning. “Really, thank you, from the both of us. Severus will write you to thank you personally, I'm sure of it.”
“Hmmm.”
Come on, Snape. One little note of thanks, is that too much to ask? You'll be happy to see me, I'm sure. Catch up, friend to friend. Talk about the old times.
You see, nobody knows what you did back then, because everyone I could have asked is conveniently dead, and Lil isn't talking.
And I don't care how many statements she made about you being a good man who did nothing wrong --because she still flinches and gets sick to her stomach whenever your name comes up. Then again, you do tend to have that effect on people, regardless…
And I know more than you realize, Snape. I hear things. I overheard enough to know that you've done something foul.
And you will tell me. It's time.
(2)
Snape turned out to live in a Muggle neighbourhood in Manchester, which Sirius thought to be a strange thing - for Snape. Sirius had fully expected Snape to wall himself in the darkest corner of Knockturn Alley.
Snape's house was quite unremarkable, much like dozens around it - a two-storey building of red brick, a bit dilapidated, but all in all, enduring the weight of the world with the dignity that is only known to the poor.
Sirius knocked on the door. There was no answer.
He scoffed and continued to knock and knock, and he reckoned he'd continue until the door would either open, or cave in. It didn't even occur to him that Snape could be gone.
“Mister! You stop that infernal noise right this second!” a rather terse woman's voice demanded, shortly followed by a lovely mulato face, poking out the window of a neighbour's house. “He can't hear you!”
“Is he deaf?”
“As good as! He's in the garden, in the back. With those things in his ears…”
What THINGS?
Sirius shrugged and walked around the house until he reached the garden.
The “garden” was just a patch of grass, wild, unkempt, overgrown with weeds. Sirius stared around, noticed the spot where the grass seemed to be trampled down and headed there.
The THINGS in Snape's ears turned out to be ear buds. On his bare chest, sunburned and scarred, rested a Sony disc player - one of the first ever made. He must have got it as soon as the war was over, that, and the most expensive pair of ear buds he could afford and …
And come to think of it, it wasn't only Snape's chest that was bare. HE was down to his underpants - wait, no, not underpants. Swimming trunks.
“You're blocking my sun,” Snape said, not opening the eyes.
Sirius scanned the grass. Just where was Snape's wand? It looked like it was nowhere to be found.
“How incredibly rude,” Snape muttered and then relaxed again.
“Arrogant little prick you are,” Sirius told him. “Not even carry a wand with you? I suppose you aren't much afraid of surviving Death Eaters coming after you? Or someone else?”
Snape's lips quirked.
“It's a long way from Azkaban to here. I doubt they'd know where to look for me. Also, I doubt I'd be the first target on their list. And as for you…”
“I'm too noble to kill an unarmed man, is that it?”
“Not at all. I was going to say, you'd bring the werewolf to do your dirty work.”
The rage that came with mention of Lupin was shocking. Sirius threw himself at Snape, grabbing him by the shoulders, lifting him off the ground. Snape didn't waste time - his bony knee went right at Sirius' gonads.
Though not before Snape's nose gave a satisfying crack.
“Pleasure, as always,” Snape drawled, as he wiped the blood from his face with the back of his hand. “Black, what happened to you? Did your friends finally toss you out on your ear when they found out your little secret of killing little animals and burying them in the yard?”
Sirius smirked. This actually felt good - the honest hatred instead of the uneasy and not especially sincere truce that they'd been forced into by Albus at one point in time.
It felt good to fight.
“I've got no secrets,” Sirius said, still smiling. “And I don't bury anything.”
“Hmm?”
“I eat what I kill.”
“Oh. Well, you're welcome to hunt here. There are a few old rats living in the basement. And my neighbour two doors down has a very annoying little poodle.” Snape rose to his feet and inspected the CD player that got crushed in the fight. “Black, as a courteous host I feel the need to offer you something. What would you like? Cyanide? Lobotomy? Another kick in the bollocks?”
“I come not without gifts of my own,” Sirius shot back. “Your nose could use some more improvement.” He thought about it. “Water would be nice, though. Since you're in such a generous mood.”
“It won't last. There's a hose on the wall of the house. Feel free to suck on it. Don't step in the anthill, the little things are very territorial.”
“Why didn't you get rid of them?”
“I tend to like them. Imagine, Black, an entire colony of males with all their lives dedicated to the one single purpose - to service their queen. The one and only thing that holds them together, gives their lives meaning. When the queen goes… well. There's no life at all without her.” Snape made a grand gesture with his hand as if to indicate the demise of the universe at large.
Black walked toward the house and turned the water on. It felt good to refresh and drink.
“Don't ever mention Rem,” Sirius warned. “That is off limits.”
“This is my house and my garden,” Snape informed him. “I will hang banners stating Lupin was a bloody coward if I feel so inclined.”
“You'd end up eating them.”
“Unlikely.”
“Remus isn't a coward,” Sirius said gruffly, tiredly.
Snape sighed. “I don't really have an opinion one way or another. Everyone has their own hiding places. Well, at any rate, I did, until for some reason you chose to insert yourself into it.” Snape reached into the pocket of his swimming trunks and pulled out a watch. “If you're quite done, I have an appointment in fifteen minutes. You can find your way back, I'm sure.” He proceeded to pick up his shirt and jeans from the grass, got dressed and walked back into the house.
Sirius followed him.
“I don't remember inviting you in,” Snape said, without looking back.
“Of course not. You spout pleasantries and courteous offers one after another, it must be difficult to keep track of them all.”
“Black, don't you dare set your foot inside this house.”
“So who's the appointment with, Snape? A former Death Eater on the run from justice, begging for shelter and food? A merchant from Knockturn? A serial killer who wants to get some tips from you?”
“All of the above,” Snape said, not turning. “It's a great gathering of kindred spirits. We set ourselves in a pentagram, drink the blood of the unicorn and worship Cthulhu.”
“I'm shocked you've invited me in!”
“Well, we did need a human sacrifice,” Snape said dryly. “Though, I suppose a dog will have to do.”
The door opened to a spacious hallway, beyond which a was seen a large sitting room. Sirius stared at it -- and thought it to be quite un-Snapelike. Too clean, too bright, too orderly. Too … normal, for the lack of better word.
Snape walked briskly into the kitchen, and when he spun around, the wand was in his hand.
“Black, last chance. Walk out before you're CARRIED OUT.” Snape's still bloodied face was positively ugly with rage.
Black gave him an almost pleasant grin.
“Are you in such a hurry to get rid of me - seriously, why? What are you hiding?”
Snape scowled. Sirius watched him attentively, his own wand drawn. For some reason, Snape was reluctant to start a fight. That was... unusual, to say the least.
A timid knock on the door was heard a moment later.
“Oh, fuck - Black, don't you DARE do anything stupid,” Snape muttered as he flicked the wand to remove the blood from his own face and heal his nose, before heading to open the door. He added, as an afterthought, “put your wand away.”
Shockingly enough, Snape was the first to do that. Curious, Sirius followed his example and watched.
When Snape opened the door, Sirius balked. A child, of about eleven or twelve stood in the doorway and stared at Snape, sulking. The boy certainly looked the part for this run-down neighbourhood - ripped jeans, a faded tee shirt, and an old notebook under his arm. Sirius stared at him, taking in the dark olive skin tone, the delicate, almost fragile features. Hispanic? Sirius thought. No, Italian...
“I value punctuality,” Snape said in a rather unfriendly voice. “You're early.”
“My parents are fighting. I don't want to be home.”
Snape gave a resigned shrug at that.
“Fine. You may come in and get started. The books are exactly where you left them. You're going to do the exercises, I will check your work.”
Sirius blinked.
“Snape - you're tutoring Muggle children in…” he glanced at the textbook that the boy was pulling of the shelf, “in MATHEMATICS?”
“What's Muggle?” the boy asked instantly.
Snape turned to him.
“Pablo, you will have to excuse my dear friend here. His father used to beat him on the head very hard, and it did something to him. He doesn't make much sense when he speaks. Please, just don't pay him any attention.”
“Okay,” Pablo gave Sirius a sympathetic look. “I'm sorry your parents beat you on your head. I hear it can cause brain damage.”
Sirius shut his eyes, vowing to murder Snape just as soon as his tutoring session was over. More to the point, he was slightly creeped out by the fact that Snape had a child over in his house. If only the parents knew what kind of slime they were letting near their son…
“I'm okay for now,” Pablo said magnanimously, taking up all of Snape's couch with a great number of books he'd pulled off the bookshelf. “You can go play with your friend. I'll call you when I'm done.”
Snape smiled - and it was a real smile that almost made him look human.
“Well, Black, I believe we've been dismissed. Shall we step outside?”
They did and Sirius sighed.
“So what are you playing at now, Snape? Trying for sainthood - giving your time to the poor and the needy?”
“Hardly giving,” Snape sneered. “They pay me obscenely.”
Sirius thought of Pablo, with his shabby clothes and an old notebook.
“That boy doesn't look like his parents can afford to pay anything.”
Sirius shook his head. “You know, Snape, whenever I'm tempted to entertain the dangerous illusion that you might be human, you find a way to dissuade me. Thank you for that.”
“Any day, Black.”
“So… why Mathematics?”
“Mathematics was easier to pick up. I knew enough of it to begin immediately, then taught myself what I needed to know to tutor the upper grades.”
“Why are you doing this, anyway? Isn't your war pension enough?”
Snape sneered again. “I've got needs. Cthulhu requires regular offerings of Unicorn hearts, and those don't come cheap.”
“You could have a job in the wizarding world.”
“Yes, I'm certain.” Snape's expression grew bored. “Black, is there anything that you wanted? Other than to break my CD player, which you now have done.”
“Do you want me to replace it?” Sirius offered on an impulse.
“A pang of conscience, Black? How unusual.”
“No, just pity for the children, out of whose meagre moneys you'll undoubtedly be taking out your loss.”
“Ah, yes. In that case, feel free. You may send it by owl post. No need to trouble yourself and come in person. In fact, you can just give me the money.”
Sirius smirked. “And miss out on the pleasure of your company?”
“You still didn't tell me what the fuck you wanted.”
Sirius frowned. None of this made sense: the way young Pablo seemed to have made himself quite at ease in Snape's home, the way Snape appeared to want to safeguard the child from witnessing violence. If Sirius didn't know any better, he'd be tempted to think that Snape really... wasn't so bad.
Except Sirius did know better.
Once upon a time - two years ago and under Dumbledore's influence Sirius did manage to come to consider Snape almost a friend. He wouldn't make the same mistake again.
Sirius gave Snape his best, most charming smile.
“Rekindle an old flame.”
“There was never any flame. You and Lupin molested me once in a tent. I fantasized about tits and cunt while you groped me.”
“All right. What would you say if I told you that I've come to bury the hatchet, try to…”
“Bullshite.”
“You didn't even let me finish!”
“I didn't have to,” Snape replied. “What do you really want?”
Right, Sirius thought, resigned. Apparently, Snape was going to be a difficult nut to crack.
“I'll replace your CD player,” Sirius said out loud. “Maybe we could talk one day.
Snape rewarded him with a quirk of the brow. Snape's eyes were trained on Sirius as he left.
(3)
Sirius' flat, a tiny cozy thing above the quill shop, that he got from Uncle Alphard, was quiet, surprisingly so, given the fact that it was overlooking the busiest corner of Diagon Alley. Though, as far as he could tell, there were no silencing charms of any kind - somehow, INSIDE was just quiet, as if the sounds from the street just didn't reach it.
“I think it's the stonework,” Lily had said once, when she and Jay visited after the war's end. “I've read that there's a magical pattern to arranging the stones. If you do it just the right way - they'll absorb all the sound from the outside.” She smiled unhappily. “If we take that reasoning to its logical conclusion, theoretically it should be possible to arrange the stones in such a way that - they'll absorb everything.”
“Everything - meaning?”
“Everything. Hexes. Curses. Physical impact of any force. It'll all just be swallowed up by the stone - if you arrange it just the building blocks just so. No wonder Wizarding Stonework is considered to be one of the most difficult fields to master.”
Sirius looked at James, whose hand rested on Lily's shoulder. She was leaning into his touch. Her eyes were half-shut, but her face was troubled still.
“No stone can do that,” Sirius said softly. “Nothing can.”
“I suppose you're right,” she didn't argue then.
*
Sirius surveyed his flat, the neat stacks of books and parchments on the dining room table, and his gaze fell on piece of post from Remus. Sirius had read it many times over by now, but he still picked it up and looked it over, as if hoping that it'd say something different this time around.
“Padfoot,
The waiting period is almost over. I suppose it's reasonable that they make you wait two years before proceeding with the treatment, although it's difficult not to be resentful. The anticipation is nearly unbearable.
My treatment is scheduled to begin in two weeks. I imagine that, come September, my Lycanthropy will be a thing of the past. No, I haven't changed my mind. I wish you'd understand - and stop trying to talk me out of it, but I suppose it's too much to ask.
No goodbyes. Not yet. I will write again.”
RL.”
Sirius gritted his teeth. He was at a loss as to what he should be writing back.
Inspiration struck as always - coming from the least likely source.
Sirius picked up a quill and scribbled:
“Moony:
Snape says you're a coward. Just thought you ought to know.
SB.”
(4)
“Padfoot:
That wasn't half-bad. You're learning the fine art of manipulation. Dumbledore's influence, I imagine? Except -- I find it difficult to believe that you'd cross paths with Snape, or that he'd engage you in a conversation, and even if he did, that you two would be discussing me. As much as my ego loves the idea, my rational mind protests. If you do see him, though, tell him I said hello.
It's raining here. Strange, I had expected Finland to be sunnier for some reason. No, please don't come. You won't change my mind. You could come after the treatment is complete, though I don't think there'd be much point.
RL.”
(5)
A few days later, a parcel with a new CD player plus some actual CDs, Sirius was walking toward Snape's home. Even half a block away, he could hear a child screaming -- a girl's voice screeched and sobbing followed. Wand drawn, Sirius sprinted towards the house as fast as he could, cursing himself for not bloody killing Snape on the spot the first time he visited, and at the same time, cursing this godforsaken Muggle neighbourhood, where nobody seemed to care that Snape was likely murdering a child in his own home.
Sirius ran up to the door - shockingly, it wasn't even locked. Sirius burst inside, ready for action and froze in his footsteps. Snape was sitting on the wide window sill, looking like he was trying to contain a headache in the making, the index finger and the thumb of his right hand squeezing his nose bridge.
The source of noise turned out to be a teenage girl, seated on Snape's couch. She was sobbing profusely into the textbook in front of her.
“Miss McKenzie,” Snape said very tiredly, “it really doesn't matter to me how much you cry. Your parents pay me by the hour. But I urge you to consider - is that the best use of their money?”
“I - I hate functions!” she howled, looking quite distraught.
“That doesn't make much sense. Hate is better spent on something - or someone - who can respond in kind.” Snape's eyes shifted in Sirius' direction. “Oh, hello there, Black.”
“Snape - I…”
“You thought I was committing slaughter. I assure you, the only thing that is being slaughtered here is intermediate Algebra.”
“Don't you have any sympathy?” Sirius groaned, putting the wand away. “The child is terrified.”
“I wish she were. Maybe then she'd take this seriously.”
Predictably, the girl burst into tears once more.
“May I take a look?” Sirius asked, advancing toward the couch. The girl thrust the textbook into his hands as if it were something foul. He peeked into the text and was lost instantly. He couldn't understand how anyone was able to make heads or tails of THAT. “Never mind. I'd be crying too,” Sirius told her.
“If I only understood what this was!” she stabbed her finger accusingly at a graph of some sort. Several feet away, Snape lifted his head and rolled his eyes.
Sirius scanned the pages of the book, looking at the graphs. He suspected that the equations were some sort of instructions to plotting those graphs, and said so out loud, a bit hesitantly.
“But what is this!” the girl stared at the coordinate axes like they were mortal enemies. “I just don't understand what they ARE!”
“Well,” Sirius mused, “Do you know maps?”
“Yes.”
“Maybe think of it as… a map of some sort. North-South and East-West. And think of your graphs as … a path you need to take for one reason or another. That's all.”
“Oh.” She looked at him sheepishly. “OH!” she clutched the textbook to her chest and looked at Snape pleadingly. “Can I go home? I'll come back tomorrow, I think I can do this now.”
“Fine,” Snape's face remained indifferent. “Goodbye, Miss McKenzie.”
Miss McKenzie's footsteps couldn't be faster as she ran out the door.
Left alone, Snape and Sirius stared at each other with cautious mistrust.
“Just a bit,” Sirius confessed. “Looks like I'm better than you at this, too. And I never even learned the shite.”
“It was a stroke of luck,” Snape denied at once.
“It was teaching skills. She has problems with abstract thinking. You have to explain things to her in terms she'll understand.”
“Black, is there a particular reason that you're here? Other than to make my life miserable?”
“You're saying that's not reason enough?” Sirius grinned. “Here - I brought you a player. And some CDs, too. I wasn't sure what you listen to, so I brought some Johnny Cash and Beatles.”
Snape let out a sigh. “Very well. You may place it on the kitchen table.”
Sirius walked into the kitchen - which was really a small nook in the corner of the sitting room. He placed the parcel on the counter and proceeded to inspect the cupboards.
Snape watched him suspiciously.
“Black, why are you here?”
“I've told you why. To bury the hatchet. To make friends.” Sirius' smile couldn't be more brilliant.
“I see. So- If I profess my undying devotion to you, will you leave and never come back?” Snape checked.
“Hmm. It'd have to be quite sincere, you understand. But yes, that's how it works. The moment you truly and deeply fall in love with me, I'll leave, of course.”
The corner of Snape's mouth quirked slightly. “I see.”
“Lupin wrote,” Sirius said on an impulse. “He's been writing to me.”
“So?” Snape's voice grew tense.
“He's been mentioning you.”
Snape's face remained completely expressionless.
“You know, you could write to him,” Sirius added. “ You sort of owe him - he's the one who'd dragged you out of Redwood Estate when -“
“I know what he did,” Snape said flatly. “I was there. However, even if he feels he's entitled to something from me, now is a strange time to collect the debt.”
“Now is the only time,” Sirius whispered. “He's got a month left until...”
Snape scoffed at that. “If you expect me to shed any tears, you've come to the wrong place. Lupin has chosen his path, and I think it'll suit him just fine.”
On his way out, Sirius slammed the door, hard.
(6)
“Dear Sirius,
No, I didn't know Lily and Jay had a son. Harry is a good name. My congratulations to them.
I am not sure why I'm writing this. I wish you'd understand though. At least, I wish you'd stop calling it suicide. The treatment is anything but.
In fact, how is it worse than any treatment the wizarding Brits are working on? They are trying to remove the wolf from the man, kill it. The Finns simply decided to do the opposite of that - and succeeded.
Being a werewolf, trying to combine the wolf and the human, is the problem. The wolf alone in its natural state is harmless. It'll go off, live in the woods with other wolves, live out its natural lifespan…
No, not it. I.
Being human seems too much trouble, Sirius.
No, more than that: It's terrifying to be human.
The wolf is ravenous, then he eats and is satisfied.
The human is always ravenous. He never stops, no matter how much he's consumed, no matter what is given to him, or what he's taken. Nothing is ever enough….”
PART TWO
THE WAR
Tuning out of the poison Every waking day Intolerance to overcome Fortunes won by the boys with the guns
(7)
The one thing that had turned out to be kind of strange about the war was the fucking. It was hasty, it was hot, it was often emotional nearly to the point of tears, as it brought with it the much needed relief of tension.
It was also quite random. Whenever two or three people were sent off on a mission and were isolated from the others, they ended up fucking. It was a given, although Snape denied it vehemently and, stuck in the middle of bloody nowhere for weeks on end sharing a tent with Remus and Sirius, preferred to wank alone. He did so quietly, his back turned to the two of them, while Sirius watched the way Snape's pale elbow moved back and forth. He suspected he'd developed a fetish for Snape's elbow.
“Come on,” Remus said again. “Snape! Scoot over here between me and Sirius and we'll show you a time of your life.”
“I don't want a time of my life.”
“Let him be,” Sirius said with a yawn, “Remus, show some respect for his wishes. He probably has a tiny prick and he's embarrassed to show it, and…”
“Black, shut you trap before I choke you with your own tail.” Snape's voice, quite sleepy, wasn't particularly irate.
“All right, shall we play a game then?” Remus suggested.
“Yes, please,” Snape said. “It's a wonderful game that I am very fond of. It's called - let's shut our eyes and be quiet until we fall asleep.”
“That's no fun,” Sirius quipped.
“It's tremendous fun,” Snape said dryly. “Really, Black, you shouldn't be afraid to try new things.”
“Truth or dare?” Remus asked quietly.
“Truth,” Snape said instantly. Sirius smiled. Each and ever time Snape chose the truth, as if he was tired of dares, and didn't care much about revealing anything at all.
“Why did you join the Order?” Sirius asked. “Really?”
“What do you mean?”
“I heard that the Dark Lord was courting you at one time. Why the Order and not the Death Eaters?”
“Me, a half-blood? You ought to be joking.”
“Had you been a pureblood, would you have gone to them?”
“I doubt it. And that's more than one question, Black.”
“Yes, but this particular truth is composed of numerous fragments and it'll take numerous questions to reveal the grand mosaic that your life is,” Sirius said thoughtfully. “But really, Snape. Did you come to us because of Lil?”
“What?!”
“You know. Maybe you reckoned that you'd have another chance with her if…”
“No. Not because of her. ”
“Why then?”
“Dumbledore.” Snape said it as if it explained everything.
“Still,” Sirius mused thoughtfully, “Funny how that worked out. The moment Lily and James decided they weren't an item anymore and - just friends - you swooped in on her like a giant vulture…”
“Did you really think I wouldn't?”
Black couldn't see Snape's face but could swear that his voice carried a smile.
“No. No, you've always been an opportunistic little shite.”
“Black. Truth or dare?” Snape said quite nastily.
“Dare,” Sirius grinned. “Do your worst, Snape.”
“I dare you to zip up the fly on your trousers.”
“WHAT! I haven't finished…”
“I know,” Snape sounded quite pleased with himself.
“But I'm still hard!”
“My heart aches for you, Black. It really does. You can always decline the dare and lose.”
“Why do you want me to be miserable? And what kind of stupid dare is that?”
Snape didn't answer.
“Fuck you, Snape.” Sirius tucked his aching cock away and zipped up the trousers. “All right, my turn. Remus, truth or dare?”
“Truth.”
“What do you want to do to Snape right now?”
“Pin him down,” Remus said instantly. “Hold him in place. Pull down his trousers…”
“I suppose you could achieve that if you had extra limbs,” Snape said quite indifferently, but his breath hitched slightly.
“Have you suck him,” Remus continued, undeterred, as if Snape wasn't even there. “Feel him struggle as he comes.”
“Lupin, shut the fuck up!” Snape muttered.
“And then, I want to watch him. Half-naked. Spent. Blushing,” Remus added as an afterthought. “I'm sure he blushes.”
“Hmmmmm….” Sirius mused. “Snape, what do you say?”
“You're both insane.”
“It's just sex, Snape,” Remus said quietly. “It's not about friendship, or attachment or anything like that. Don't take it so seriously. As you've noticed - it's quite random these days, too.”
“Not for everybody,” Snape protested.
“For absolutely everybody,” Sirius said. “If this war lasts another year, everyone will end up having shagged everyone else…”
“Black, please! The last thing I want to picture is Hagrid with Flitwick!”
“Snape!” Black whistled appreciatively, “you do have a filthy mind.”
“And he's hard,” Remus advised.
“I'm not - Lupin, remove your paw from my groin at once!”
“It'll sound more convincing if you stop grinding your hips against it.”
“I'm not - oh FUCK! Lupin, you do that again, you're a dead man!”
“That?”
“Mmmm... YES.”
“Do hold him down. I think he wants to be forced,” Sirius suggested. “The only way to let go of his many inhibitions…”
A brief tussle followed. Snape gave a half-hearted attempt to throw Lupin off, but gave up, when his shoulders got pinned.
Sirius reached over to place his hand between Snape's legs. Snape was hard, ridiculously so. Sirius unzipped his fly and stroked the shaft from the base to the very tip, then circled his finger around the slit moist with precum.
“Snape,” Sirius said cheerfully. “What do you know - you aren't tiny, after all. Very nicely averagely sized…”
“Black!”
Sirius curled his fingers around Snape's hard cock and stroked. Snape thrust into his hand with a subdued groan, seeming to want to moderate his response and being unable to do so.
“Just let go,” Sirius said, still stroking. “Feels good, doesn't it?”
“Bloody hell…”
“Truth or dare, Snape? You always choose the truth, so tell me: feels good?”
“Fuck. Yes…”
“Just stop thinking and go with it,” Remus said softly.
“I'm… Argh.”
“Are you thinking about Lil?” Remus added. “She won't care, you know. Or do you think that she's keeping chaste on her missions?”
“She is!”
“Unlikely. I assure you, she's most definitely shagging Alice as we speak. Sucking on her nipples. Touching her. Tonguing her…”
“Fuck!” With a loud howl, Snape ejaculated in Sirius' fist.
“Oh my. Snape,” Sirius laughed quietly, “you came to the thought of Lily fucking Alice?”
“Fuck. Yes. That was hot.” Snape sounded like he couldn't quite believe himself.
Black laughed out loud, and Remus joined him, patting Snape's shoulder.
“That's our boy,” Sirius chuckled. “Bravo, Snape! See, it wasn't so difficult.”
“Oh, do shut up.”
“Hmmm,” Remus murmured. “I wonder - does the come taste sweeter, if you think about girls when you come?”
Sirius leaned down to lick Snape's deflated cock.
“Mmmm. I think it does. Well, one way to be sure. We hold Snape down and torment him until he gets hard again… and then repeat. “
Snape shifted and reached up, effortlessly throwing Remus' hands off his shoulders.
“Another time. If you two are done molesting me, may I suggest we get some sleep?”
“I couldn't fall asleep if I tried,” Sirius advised cheerfully. “You know, that hard-on didn't go anywhere. It's quite painful, actually. My cock is digging into the zipper. It hurts like the bloody hell.”
Snape muttered an obscenity and bolted to sit up. Quite unceremoniously he grabbed Sirius' arms and pinned them down. Sirius went happily limp in his grip.
“Lupin, you've got two minutes to suck him off, jack off and then we're going to sleep,” Snape announced.
“Are we, now?” Sirius asked, spreading his legs before Remus and letting out a contented sigh when Remus' lips brushed the head of his cock.
“We are, even if I have to neuter you two myself,” Snape vowed.
“You wouldn't,” Sirius said. “You had fun, didn't you?”
“Yes,” Snape admitted with obvious reluctance.
“That's all there is to it,” Remus whispered. “Just fun and tension release. We all need that. We'll wake up well-rested and feeling brilliant in the morning.”
Come to think of it, they did. It was the last day of hiking until reaching the Order's outpost in Southern Scotland. They walked faster than normal, there was a spring in their step, and from time to time Snape sprinted forward without noticing it, then stopped and waited for Remus and Sirius to catch up, but kept peering ahead, squinting against the afternoon sun.
When he finally saw the familiar silhouette in the distance and a bright dot of blindingly red hair against the pale blue sky, he dropped his knapsack and sprinted ahead once more. He didn't stop this time.
Lily ran toward him and they met half-way across the field, locking each other in a tight embrace. They were talking animatedly, Snape's skinny limbs were flailing and Lily threw her head back, laughing.
“That's our boy,” Remus said, for some reason sounding awfully pleased.
“He doesn't love her,” Sirius muttered, picking up Snape's knapsack off the ground. “He's just using her so he doesn't have to carry his shit the rest of the way.”
Snape spun her around. It looked as if they were dancing.
Remus laughed. “Let me carry that.”
“You'll break your back. What is he packing there--bricks?”
“He's the one who carries the tent.”
“He's still a freeloader.”
“But a good shag,” Remus pointed out. “So shy and timid, it's a pleasure to corrupt him.”
“Speaking of which,” Sirius grinned, “you suppose we could convince him to actually fuck properly the next time?”
“Undoubtedly,” Remus said, picking up the pace. “If there's a next time.”
(8)
“Look, Snape, couples - people who are actually an item, as in 'romantically involved', aren't sent together on assignments for a reason! So I still don't understand the grand idea behind sending you and Lil together to…”
“There's nobody else, Black!” Snape's tone was irate.
“There's me and James…"
“Yes,” Snape shot back, exasperated. “And you both are so brilliant in Dark Arts - why you must have spent your school years studying nothing but. I always suspected that.”
“All right, I get it, you're the resident badass. But why Lily?”
“Because she's the one with sufficient medical training.”
“Right. So the plan is - you will be locating and dismantling the Dark Magic booby traps around the Redwood Forest, and Lil will be just standing there by your side patiently, ready to patch you up if one of those booby traps backfires?”
“Precisely.”
“Why do I think this is the worst idea ever conceived?”
“Well,” Snape mused, “it'd be worse to send you and Lupin. You'd both end up dead after the first attempt.”
“You don't have to sound so pleased about the prospect,” Black grumbled.
“I admit, the notion amuses me, but not enough to suggest it as a course of action,” Snape smiled unpleasantly. His smile faded and his expression grew serious. “Black - the point is, we need to get to Redwood Estate - Dumbledore is certain that The Dark Lord is hiding a number of important artefacts in there, and…”
“I get that,” Sirius scowled, “I was listening! But…”
“But what?”
“Lily,” Sirius said hoarsely. “What if you make a mistake, what if you…”
“I will not make a mistake,” Snape said quietly.
Sirius nodded, quiet as well. Long silence stretched between them. There was something very final about it.
“You'll look after her?” Sirius asked finally.
“Of course.” Snape's face held no trace of his usual sneering or smirking. “You don't ever have to ask.”
(9)
They received the news of Snape and Lily being missing three days later.
It wasn't news as such - Lily's Patroni stopped coming. There was no way of knowing if they'd been captured or were dead.
“We have to hope for the best,” Dumbledore said, but his face looked like it had aged a decade overnight.
“What do we do?” James asked.
“Let's hope that Severus had managed to dismantle enough of those traps that we can get at the castle,” Dumbledore said. “We throw all we can afford at it - and a bit more.”
The assault on the castle was successful, shockingly so. The forest was almost completely clear of traps or wards, which was a testament to Snape's skilled wardwork. Yet, there was more than that -- it was as if Voldemort's people simply weren't expecting anything. Later, in debriefing, Sirius heard that Snape didn't just dismantle all the traps and wards, he created an intricate network of masking spells to send out false signals and give an illusion of all the traps and wards still being in place, if anyone checked. Lily had managed to convince their captors that she and Snape weren't on a mission of any sort - they'd been lost for days, cut off from the rest of the Order and were searching for the Apparition boundary. The outcome of that was that the captors didn't see anything amiss with their wards, didn't anticipate a rescue attempt and simply thought they had a pair of prisoners to do with as they pleased.
The element of surprise worked in the Order's favor. The castle gave a small tremor when Remus sent off a ward-corrupting spell straight to its foundation. The Order charged.
Sirius, along with Remus and Alice, designated to watch the perimeter, was itching to be IN THERE, in the thick of things. He kept peering into the distance, hoping to see his friends.
He saw Snape and Lily run out of the castle together. Snape seemed to be disoriented, his arms flailing more so than normal. Lily appeared to be fully alert, as far as Sirius could tell from the distance. She grabbed Snape's elbow and pulled him, but he wrenched himself out of her grip and headed back into the castle. She screamed something, but he wasn't listening.
A single spell erupted from Snape's wand and Sirius recognized it.
The Fiendfyre stream, fierce, multi-tailed, burst through the castle's doorway.
“Fuck,” Remus said. “He didn't just…”
Sirius touched his wand to his throat, casting Sonorus. “EVERYONE FALL BACK!!!” Sirius hollered at the top of his lungs, irrationally afraid that Sonorus alone wasn't enough. “NOBODY APPROACH THE CASTLE, FIENDFYRE HAS BEEN CAST! FALL BACK, I REPEAT, FALL BACK! GET OUT OF THERE!”
The Order obeyed and began to retreat.
Snape, as far as Sirius could see, sagged to the ground, as if that spell had taken all he had left, and he was content to just let the Fiendfyre claim him, too.
Lily grabbed him by the scruff of his neck, pulled, demanding something again. Eventually she managed to get him off the ground and push him forward. Then were running once more, hand in hand, though from time to time, Snape faltered in his footsteps, and Lily was the one dragging him, and sometimes carrying him.
Then again, Lily had always been the stronger one.
Remus abandoned the perimeter and ran towards them. Sirius followed shortly.
Everything was a blur then. He saw Remus grabbing Snape by the shoulders, shaking him, asking him something. Snape went limp in his grip, and Remus ended up dragging him back across the field to the perimeter. It was Remus who'd Apparated Snape out of there.
Sirius had Lily, who threw her arms around him and screamed into his shoulder.
(10)
The next few days were a quiet misery. Remus refused James' and Sirius' company and isolated himself on the Full Moon, to emerge three days later, battered and scratched up and looking worse than Sirius had seen him in the longest of times.
Lily and Snape were also quiet. Apart from the debriefing they barely said two words to anyone, including each other. Tension in the air was palpable, and Sirius didn't quite know what to make of it. He only knew that something was very wrong.
“What happened back there?” he asked her when he finally got a moment alone with her.
“I told everything in debriefing,” Lily said, her voice cool and perfectly calm.
“Right. But what happened to YOU?”
“Nothing.”
“You aren't yourself. Your hands are shaking half the time, and you - you look like you're about to fall apart.”
“I'm not going to fall apart,” she denied at once.
“Still. What's wrong? You can tell me.”
“Nothing.” Lily gave a slightly embarrassed smile. “I suppose I was scared. I didn't think we were going to get out alive.”
Sirius could tell it was a half-truth at best, but let her be, thinking she'd talk to him - or James, or Alice - in her own time.
Snape was just as tight-lipped a Lily, except he wasn't as reserved about it. Never a particularly pleasant person, he was now in a perpetually foul mood. Any attempts Sirius made to talk to him left Snape even more enraged. Two days after Snape's return, Dumbledore called him into a meeting with Sirius, James and Frank.
“Severus,” Dumbledore's voice was soft, but firm when he addressed him. “I wanted to give you some time to collect your thoughts and calm down before we had this conversation…”
Predictably, Snape scoffed.
“You are aware, of course,” Dumbledore continued without missing a beat, “that the casting of Fiendfyre on living human beings isn't permitted and stands in the same category as the use of Unforgivables.”
“You don't say,” Snape muttered through the gritted teeth.
“Severus. With a single spell you've killed over twenty-five people.”
Snape's face twisted into the ugliest of grimaces.
“My apologies,” he said without any shred of remorse in his voice. “It won't happen again.”
Dumbledore nodded. “It also happens that the destruction of this particular Estate left Voldemort quite vulnerable. I have good cause to believe that the Estate contained a number of the artefacts that he drew his strength from. If we attack now…”
“We can kill him,” Snape whispered, his eyes lighting with sick excitement.
Dumbledore studied him thoughtfully.
“Are you certain you're up to participating in an assault? Think very hard before you answer this question, Severus. I cannot afford to have anyone by my side who is unstable - or unhinged.”
Snape laughed out loud, briefly, madly.
“I'm not unhinged.”
(11)
Two weeks later, the war was over, just like that. There were still skirmishes all around, the Auror Office chasing down the renegade Death Eaters, but with Voldemort gone, there was a sense of finality in the air.
Even though everything was over, the members of the Order were not quite ready to dismantle the temporary dwellings and go home - they wanted to stick together for a bit longer. They weren't celebrating or partying - there were several debriefing sessions, reviews of operations, reports - but all that seemed to be just an excuse to linger, stay together just another week or two.
In a way they've managed to become a family and now wanted a bit of 'normal' time together with the entire group before heading home.
Personally, Sirius wasn't certain where home was. He used to think of home being wherever James and Lily were, but now that had changed, and he imagined he'd have to strike out on his own.
He still didn't know what had passed between Lily and Snape, and he didn't know what to think.
Alice came to speak to him. She and Lily were sharing quarters, and Sirius was hopeful that if Lily needed to talk to someone, Alice would lend a listening ear.
“She's had a few nightmares,” Alice whispered, looking embarrassed, as if betraying someone else's secret. "She's cried out - Severus, don't do this - in her sleep. Any idea what…”
“No. Did you ask her?”
“Of course. She said it was just a bad dream that didn't make any sense.”
“Oh.” Sirius sighed, as a rather unpleasant feeling settled in the pit of his stomach.
“Do you think maybe that Snape did something… back there…” Alice's eyes shifted guiltily. “Sometimes people do horrible things to each other to survive.”
Sirius couldn't argue with that.
Nobody who knew anything, talked: that was the problem.
There was a loneliness that came with this 'non-talking'. Sirius tried speaking to Remus, thinking that maybe Snape had told him something in the brief seconds right after the rescue. Predictably, Remus didn't know anything.
“Snape is a good man, Sirius,” Remus said very tiredly. “You should just let him be. He wouldn't…”
“He wouldn't what?” Sirius snapped. “Kill twenty-five people with Fiendfyre? By the way, the more I think about it, the more I wonder why he did that.”
“He wasn't exactly rational then. A bit deranged, I'd say. I imagine he didn't know what he was doing.”
“He knew exactly what he was doing,” Sirius said with absolute confidence. “I think he did it so that there'd be no witnesses to whatever it is that he did there to save his own hide. It must have been something foul. Right now, Lil is the only person alive who knows what he did - and she isn't talking. And I can't help but think that if Snape wants to hide whatever he did badly enough - she'll be the next to go.”
Remus shook his head.
“That's the most ridiculous thing I ever heard. He didn't do anything to her.”
“And you know this - how?” Sirius challenged.
“He wouldn't hurt her, no matter what. You're just making it up as you go along.”
“And you just think that everyone around you just exists to pick flowers and make friends,” Sirius shot back, irritated beyond measure.
Remus' face froze like a stone mask.
“Sirius, there's something I need to tell you.”
“And what would that be?”
“Go fuck yourself.”
Sirius watched Remus as he walked away, without looking back. Just don't turn your back on Snape, he wanted to shout after him, but changed his mind - what would be the point?
(12)
Not knowing what else to do, Sirius shared his concerns with James - and, unlike Remus, James actually heard him out. The two of them took to looking after Lily, trying not to be too obvious about it. She seemed to not notice. In fact, it seemed like all of her attentions were focused on Snape, and she seemed to not know whether to approach him or avoid him. Snape himself appeared to be feeling much the same. The two of them were locked in this approach-avoidance dance, never quite parting ways, but never really reaching for each other.
A few times, she and Snape isolated each other in a room, behind silencing and masking charms, and each time the outcome was just the same. After some time, Lily was the first to run out, her face streaked with tears. Snape would follow her, but she wouldn't look back.
Needless to say, neither James nor Sirius took that to be a reassuring sign.
In the end, James watched her by day. The nights belonged to Padfoot.
He got into a habit of sleeping outside of the women's quarters, a self-appointed guard dog that nobody noticed - just another silent shadow in the dark.
Snape did come, eventually, of course, gave the door a quiet rap and whispered Lily's name. She was out momentarily, a warm coat thrown atop her gown.
“I just wanted to see you,” Snape said. His voice was hesitant, almost timid, as if he was still a schoolboy, trying to talk to a pretty girl. Then again, Padfoot thought, stifling a growl, Snape had always been a good actor.
“Well,” Lily said, sounding just as awkward, “here I am.”
“Let's get out of here. You know, sit on the beach. Watch the lake.”
She gave it some thought.
“All right. Yes, I'd like that.”
She slipped on a pair of shoes and followed him, seeming unconcerned.
Padfoot gave them a head start and trailed behind him, skulking in the shadows, making certain that his footsteps didn't make a sound.
Snape chose a secluded spot on the pebbly lake beach beneath a steep bluff. Padfoot inched his way to the very edge of the bluff, watching intently, listening, and measuring the distance between him and Snape's throat - if things went that way.
For a while it seemed as if Snape really just wanted to sit and watch the water. Padfoot stilled, would up like a spring ready to bounce, all senses alert.
“I still can't believe it's over, finally,” Lily was the first to speak.
“Yes,” Snape agreed. “What now?”
“I don't know. I can't really think about anything.”
Snape turned awkwardly to face her.
“I... I mean, would you like to… oh, bloody hell. I want to touch you.”
She gave no answer to that.
Snape reached for her face, ran a hand through her hair, brushing it from her forehead.
“You're beautiful when you frown,” he said mildly. “Makes you look a bit older.”
She let out a deep sigh, and didn't move. When Snape's hand made it to her shoulder, she flinched away. He let out a desperate groan and grabbed harder, pulling her toward himself, and then, her fingers encircled his wrist, holding it in place.
“No. Don't.”
“But…”
“I can't.”
“All right.” Snape withdrew his hand. “We can wait. Maybe we can try another time.”
“I don't think so,” she said, looking away from him. “It's not working. I can't help it. I'd like to, but I really can't.” She took a deep breath. “Look - we've tried a few times. I can't. It's like something got broken back there, and it doesn't fit anymore, we don't fit anymore.”
“Maybe we just need more time,” he said, quite desperately.
“I don't believe that it'll help,” she whispered. “I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I can't, and I really wish that I could, and I wish that every time I looked at you and thought about you, I didn't hate myself, and wouldn't feel so scared and so ashamed and - and I can't.”
He gave no answer to that.
“Look, Severus. I - you know that I care for you…”
“CARE,” he spat the word out as if it were a curse. “Never mind. You don't need to continue. I know where this is going.” He stared at her intently. “I suppose you'll just take some time to yourself and go back to Potter now. He'll be thrilled to have you back, I'm sure of it.”
“I'm not thinking about anything like that,” she denied.
“Of course you aren't.” Snape's face twisted into an ugly grimace. “Now you listen to me, Evans. I don't bloody care who you go to, who you fuck or who you breed with, but if you breathe a word to anyone…”
“ENOUGH!” Lily shot back, rising to her feet. Snape leaped to his feet, too, seeming ready to fight. “You will not speak to me this way!”
Snape took a step back.
“I - I apologize,” he muttered with obvious reluctance.
“We've been through this, too,” Lily said, her tone still sharp. “I am not telling anything to anyone, even though sometimes I think I really should!” Her voice softened a bit, when she added. “You have my word. Is that enough for you?”
“Yes,” Snape whispered, “your word is enough. Just don't forget you gave it.”
They were silent a bit longer, watching the lake together as the water rolled onto the shore.
“I didn't know it was going to be this way,” Snape said suddenly. “If I had known…”
“You wouldn't have done it?” Lily asked softly.
Snape laughed, harshly, angrily. “No, I would have done it regardless of how much you begged me not to. I didn't care and I still don't. Nothing you said made any difference to me. Frankly, my only regret is that they didn't shut you up soon enough.” He sighed tiredly. “And as my luck would have it, it seems I must apologize again. I suppose I should go now, before I say more things to regret later. Have yourself a good night, Evans. And stay out of my way.”
“You - you don't want to be friends?” Whether Lily sounded more miserable or relieved, Sirius couldn't tell.
“No. I tend to prefer a guillotine to having my head cut off with a butter knife. Being friends with you now would be too much of a butter knife. No offence.”
“Bye,” she whispered as he walked away from her.
Snape didn't turn around.
(13)
Sirius followed Snape all the way back to the quarters that Snape was sharing with Frank and Remus. It seemed like as good a time for a confrontation as any, and Sirius wasted none of it. Snape's wand was cast aside with a simple Expelliarmus, and Sirius slammed Snape into the wall of the dilapidated house so hard that the windows rattled.
“What do YOU want, Black?” Snape hissed at him.
“The truth!” Sirius growled at him. “Stop fucking hiding and running away like a coward! What did you do to her back there?”
Snape smiled at him - the same deranged smile that he'd given Dumbledore a while back.
“What do YOU think I did?”
“I think you did something foul to save your own hide,” Sirius spat back.
Snape continued to smile. “Can you prove it?”
“No,” Sirius said softly. “Not yet. But truth tends to have a bad habit of coming out. So maybe you should take initiative and share it with the rest of us. Confession is good for the soul, or so they say.”
Snape laughed in his face.
“No, no, Black. I think I'll take the secrets of my atrocities to the grave.” Snape bared his teeth in a particularly ugly sneer. “I don't particularly care, WHOSE grave it'll be - mine, or yours.”
“ENOUGH!!!” Remus's loud voice was heard from the doorway of the house. Sirius glanced at him and saw a wand. Remus' wand, pointing at him. “Sirius, have you gone insane? Let him go.”
“Not before he TALKS,” Sirius growled like a dog with a bone.
Snape laughed again, seeming unafraid and quite entertained by the entire thing. “Black, you're more deranged than I gave you credit for!”
“Snape, would you bloody stop antagonizing him!” Remus snapped.
“Rem, just go back to your little hiding hole and stay out of this,” Sirius shot back, even as his hands gripped Snape's throat.
“I SAID ENOUGH!” Remus shouted, sounding quite beside himself.
“He… can't hear you,” Snape's voice was muffled and hoarse, but somehow the mocking notes were still came out loud and clear. “He's… all lost… in a world of his own… delusional, I'm afraid… needs tender care and kind soothing words…”
Sirius was quite close to breaking Snape's neck when the Petrificus Totalus emerging from Remus' wand got him.