lookinside (lookinside) wrote in shadows_rpg, @ 2018-03-25 11:18:00 |
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Entry tags: | #october 2017, jules, jules x sebastian, sebastian |
Who: Sebastian and Jules
Where: Jules’ House
When: Thursday, October 12, around 10pm, after this
Status: Complete
Sebastian was pulling on clothes before Jules even had a chance to respond, then hurrying out the door only moments later without even a word to his parents. They’d probably assume he was going to Greg’s, which was just as well. He didn’t want to have a conversation about why he was running to Jules’ house so late at night. He wasn’t entirely sure he wanted to have this conversation with Jules, but he couldn’t not answer her now that she’d asked. He had to say something and lying didn’t feel right. But there was no way he was going to answer her via text. So he ran down the street to her house, realizing about halfway there that he probably smelled like sex, which was really just wrong on so many levels, but he also didn’t have the time to go back and take a shower. He didn’t even have time to figure out what he was going to say before he was knocking on her bedroom door and peering inside.
“Hey,” he said softly, coming in and shutting the door behind him. He tucked his hands into his hoodie pocket, knitting his fingers together to keep his hands from shaking. Sebastian swallowed hard, his eyes locked on Jules from across the room. “Why are you asking?”
Jules had already guessed the answer was 'yes' by the time Sebastian knocked on her door and slipped inside. She hadn't heard his car pull up so he must have just walked. Or run, given how he looked a little red faced and flushed. That was probably better anyway. The last thing Jules needed was someone from school seeing Sebastian's car in her driveway this late at night and speculating why he was there. But Jules figured if Sebastian wasn't gay, he would have just said so over their text messages. It was a strange feeling, honestly, but seemed to make sense now that she was applying that particular bit of information to the weird things that had happened in their relationship.
She was sitting in the middle of her bed in her pajamas, her hair tied up and her makeup washed away from her face. Usually Jules might have tried to put on lip gloss or something, but she didn't really care if Sebastian saw her like this. There was only one person she cared about impressing much anymore. Jules wrapped her arms around her knees and tried to think of the best way to answer his question. None of this was really her business, but people liked to gossip and maybe she felt like she deserved to know on some level. "Victoria said said something about it in Monday," Jules said finally. "About you and Hunter Barrett. I think she was looking for me to like, confirm it or something. I told her you weren't gay, but then I started thinking about when we were going out and stuff and..." Jules shrugged. "Most guys are pretty eager to get in my pants and you weren't. Like, at all."
Sebastian knew he’d given Jules her answer by not denying it. If he’d been going to argue, that’s where he would have started. Instead he was doing damage control, trying to figure out just how fucked he really was. “Shit,” he cursed when she mentioned Victoria, his hands coming up to move over his face and into his hair. He’d really, seriously have preferred to stay off her radar. “She’s like a shark, out looking for blood,” he said, then sighed, slowly making his way over to sit on the bed with her. It was weird, the last time he’d been on that bed with her, she’d been the one trying to get in his pants. Now he could finally own up to why it hadn’t worked. “I wanted to be,” he admitted, eyes dropping to her bedspread, picking at the covers. “I kind of thought, if any girl could, it would be you.” He raised his eyes to hers, worry etched into his face. “Are you pissed? You’d have a right to be pissed.”
Jules studied him, her brows drawn together thoughtfully as she tried to work through whether or not she was pissed. She didn't feel pissed. Just... confused. Maybe a little irritated, but it was so mild that it wasn't even worth focusing on. It wasn't like she had been in love with Sebastian, or even still had feelings for him now. "I'm not pissed," Jules said after a moment. "But I mean, why were you with me, if you knew? Did you know?" If he did know then Jules had to figure he was just using her to see if it would change and that sort of sucked. Sure, it was flattering too, but still. "Who else knows?"
He licked his lips as he tried to find the words to explain. It wasn’t as simple as him not knowing, but he felt like he needed to convey that he hadn’t meant to use her. “I knew, but…only in theory. I’ve only ever been with girls. Well, not been with,” he clarified, beginning to blush. “But you know what I mean. And you’re fun, and you’re gorgeous, and I liked kissing you, and… You know how you were worried about what they’d think of Jasper?” Maybe she’d see if he gave her the comparison. If anybody understood how hard it was to live up to the standards of their peers, it was her. “I told Greg on Monday. Other than him, Hunter, Mak Richberg, and possibly Ruby Fox.”
It was honestly just instinct that had Jules wrinkling her nose at the mention of Ruby. The competitive streak inside of her didn't want Ruby Fox knowing Sebastian was gay before Jules did, but that was a silly sort of thing to want to win, so she did her very best to just let it go. It made sense that Greg knew, and in a way, Mak Richberg because, yeah, gay people unite and all that. After a moment, Jules sighed. In a way she sort of thought that Sebastian could do just about anything he wanted and he would never have to worry about their friends not liking him anymore. He was popular in that way where he was popular with everyone, because everyone liked him. Not everyone liked Jules, so if she gave them a reason to hate her more - like dating Jasper - they'd jump on it. But she could see where he was coming from too.
"I think I would have been happier knowing you were gay when we broke up, because I felt like there something wrong with me," Jules admitted after a moment. "I know that's stupid and selfish, but it made me feel super insecure." And it felt kind of freeing being able to admit that out loud, rather than blowing it off and pretending she didn't care. Then she grinned a little and lifting her hands to cup her face in mild embarrassment. "That's part of the reason why I hooked up with Jasper this summer. God."
“If it makes you feel better, I didn’t actually tell her. She just…kinda caught Hunter and I having a moment and I wouldn’t be surprised if she figured it out,” Sebastian said, noting her response to Ruby knowing. He should’ve thought of that before saying anything, but she felt like this loose thread hanging that he needed to tie up. “I’m sorry. I really am. I never meant to make you feel like that, I swear. I’d have loved to make things work, but…” He grinned at her embarrassment, able to find her cute in that moment, in her pajamas. “Hey, at least one of us is getting some.”
"Yeah, well, Ruby is nosy enough so..." Jules rolled her eyes before smiling a touch. She lowered her hands from her face and used them to lean back on the bed as she stretched her legs out. "You don't have to be sorry. I get it. I mean, I'm not pissed off that you dumping me triggered some intense, crazy need for validation that I got so desperate I ended up hooking up with Jasper Lucas." Her grin widened. "I got something out of it, at least. That wouldn't have happened otherwise, so... yay for you being gay. And you're what, going out with Hunter now? Which is cool if you are. I like him."
“Don’t do that,” Sebastian said with a little laugh as he nudged her with his knee. “You like him. You told me yourself. You should be thanking me for steering you into what is probably really great sex, no matter how obscure my methods are.” He was making an assumption there, but that was pretty much how she’d said they’d started out, so he couldn’t imagine it keeping up if it wasn’t any good. “Yay me,” he snickered, rolling his eyes before breaking into an embarrassed grin. “Um, I guess? I mean, I want to be, but we’ve only been on one real date, so there’s nothing official, and there won’t be ‘cause I’m not out, but I’m seeing him again on Saturday.”
It was really great sex. Sometimes Jules was afraid that actually liking each other beyond fucking would somehow ruin it, but so far, it had just made it better. At least in Jules's mind. She was still tentative with talking about Feelings with Jasper. Now that Jules knew the truth about Sebastian, she was finding it hard to imagine why he would want to keep it a secret. But it wasn't her place to push him into coming out or anything. "Well, he's hot," Jules said with a grin. "I hope you guys don't have to sneak around too long, you know? Everyone loves you, Bastian. And if people want to talk shit, they can go fuck themselves."
Sebastian smiled, but this time it didn’t make it to his eyes, something slightly bitter and sad. “My parents, they... they won’t take it well. And I can’t tell them to go fuck themselves,” he said. “I don’t know what they’ll do, but… I know how my dad feels. I know how he talks about guys like me. I can’t…” He stopped and ran his fingers through his hair, afraid if he continued down that path he’d get emotional. “If it gets out at school, it’ll get back home. You know it will. If it was just the guys, I’d just want to make it through football season first, but--” He sighed and began twirling a piece of hair around a finger. “I don’t know what’s at stake. I can’t really risk losing the chance to go to college, you know?”
Jules had been thinking more about their friends. She hadn't given any thought to Sebastian's parents. It prompted a frown and she tried to think of a reasonable solution, but really, she couldn't change how his parents would feel about it, and Sebastian would know better than she would that it could be bad. Jules didn't want her mom knowing about Jasper because Margaret Cooper was a snob who had never had a nice thing to say about the Lucas family and Jules knew she would freak the fuck out over the fact that her daughter was dating one. But that was different than what Sebastian had to deal with. It still sucked, knowing their parents wouldn't approve of people they actually liked for whatever reason. "I don't know what to tell you to do," Jules murmured. "I want to think your parents would love you no matter what, and they wouldn't take stuff away from you just because you're gay, but... I don't know them like you do. It just sucks."
“Yeah,” Sebastian sighed. “You hear all these horror stories. Kids that are disowned, or sent off to these camps where they try and make you straight. I mean, they could make my life hell if they wanted to. I don’t know if they would, but it’s hard not to worry about it. I don’t know what’s worse, losing my college fund or having my dad call me a fag to my face.” Swallowing hard, he looked up at the ceiling. He didn’t want to think his father was capable of that. He wanted to believe they’d love him no matter what. But years of hearing his father spout hate at the television made him doubtful. Taking a deep breath, he refocused on Jules. “Please don’t tell anyone. I have to contain this, at least until I figure out what to do about things at home.”
Jules frowned and sat up to scoot closer to Sebastian. She reached out for his hand, because she really felt out of her depth here. Usually she could cheer up her friends, but this was deeper stuff than she was used to and she didn't to say the wrong thing. She knew his parents mostly from her mom knowing them, and then dating Sebastian for awhile. It would be nice to think they weren't total assholes, but unfortunately, they probably were. "I promise I won't tell anyone," she said, squeezing his hand. "But if things ever get like, super shitty at home you can always come here... I mean, if Greg isn't home," she added with a small smile. "He's cool with it, right?" Honestly, with Greg she could see it going either way, but he and Sebastian had been best friends forever and if he'd had an issue with it, Sebastian would have probably mentioned it already.
Sebastian looked up at her, his eyes glossy as he gave her hand a squeeze. He couldn’t even put into words how much it scared him, how much it fucking hurt to think about, not without outright crying, and there was no way he was going to do that. “Thanks,” he said softly, then gave her a little smile as he nodded. “Yeah, he is. A little hurt I didn’t tell him sooner. And then, like, questioning things I’ve said or done and looking at them from a new angle.” He had the feeling that was typical of people finding out. The difference with Jules is what she’d started to put it together herself. “I think it’s gonna take some time to sink in, but we’re good. He also offered me a place to stay. And said he’d cover for me when I go on dates.” Having Greg in his court was a huge plus.
It was really Victoria who had triggered the possibility that Sebastian really was gay, and it made sense to go over what she knew about him, and how their relationship had gone. As silly as it was, she was relieved, because Sebastian being gay meant there wasn't anything wrong with her. That didn't mean Jules wanted things to be difficult for Sebastian. She wished his parents were cool enough to be okay with it. Maine was a pretty progressive state, right? That didn't mean they didn't have their share of assholes, but still. "Good. And if you need anything else... I mean, I don't really know what I can do to help, but you can always ask if something comes up. And I swear I won't tell anyone. Just be careful and everything, okay?"
Sebastian nodded, then gave in to the impulse to hug her, hoping that she didn’t mind. This could have gone so much worse and it was such a relief to have her on his side. At least he knew if he did come out, he’d have another person sticking up for him. And people didn’t like to cross Jules. Pulling back, he gave her a little smile. “Just tell ‘em I’m straight if anyone asks? I think it’ll die down. I thought it had, until you asked,” Sebastian said. “I hate asking you to lie for me, I don’t even like doing it myself, but I feel like I’m losing control of this and I-- I could use a bit longer to figure out what I’ll do if it does get out.” Because how many people could keep a secret without it spreading? He was pretty sure the answer was one.
Jules hugged him back, not minding it at all. That's what friends did for each other, right? Comfort and lie. She was pretty good at both. And she would definitely kick anyone's ass who tried to give Sebastian shit about anything. "I don't mind lying for you," she promised. "I'm a pretty fantastic liar and I don't feel guilty about doing it either." Jules grinned and nudged Sebastian playfully. "Try not to stress and do whatever you have to do. I mean, if I hear anyone say anything, I'll tell them you're straight. If anyone would know it would be me, right?" Wasn't that what Victoria said? "I'll tell everyone how amazing you were in bed."
“I’m glad you’re a good liar ‘cause I suck at it,” Sebastian grinned. It wasn’t that he couldn’t do it. He’d clearly been doing it for years. But he felt bad about it and it ate at him, especially when it came to people he cared about. “That’s perfect,” he snickered, a blush creeping up his cheeks. “You seriously never told anyone that you weren’t getting any?” he asked with a laugh. “Do girls not talk like guys do? I’ve always been worried that if you got all my exes together that you’d figure it out. Like, I’m either the biggest prude on the planet, or I must be gay.”
Jules laughed and shook her head. "Come on, Bastian. Sure, we talk like guys sometimes. I mean, not as crude as guys do, but yeah, we share. We don't compare notes on shared boyfriends unless we've already broken up and said ex-boyfriend was an asshole. I don't think I ever talked much about you to your other girlfriends. Like, I would never want to just chat about Jasper with one of his skanky bitches while I was still with him, you know? I had some of my friends ask if we'd had sex yet, but after awhile I sort of... vaguely answered the question to sound like we did, but I never came out and said yes." Jules paused and sighed, feeling like she had just rambled incoherently. "It doesn't really matter. If people ask, which I doubt they will, I don't mind saying we did. It's not going to hurt anyone." She arched a blonde brow, suddenly curious now. "Did you ever tell Greg we did?"
“I’m never crude,” Sebastian grinned, though he knew it was only a half truth. He could be, in his head, and knew that he probably had the ability to be, given the right person. He just wasn’t as public about it. Especially since his head might explode if he got into details about sex. “I didn’t deny it,” he admitted. “People are willing to assume a lot, especially when you turn beet red when you’re embarrassed. Not that I was embarrassed about having sex with you. More that because I wasn’t.” Every guy he knew would’ve loved to take her to bed. Usually the only thing holding them back was how big a handful Jules could be the rest of the time. “Greg knows now. I’m not sure he’s put together what that means, but he knows.”
Honestly, if Jules didn't have Jasper at the moment, she might have been more upset about Sebastian implying - or not denying - to his friends that they'd slept together when they didn't. But it was much easier to forgive past slights when she currently had a boyfriend and her lingering feelings for Sebastian were all but gone. "It's okay," Jules said with a soft shrug. "Let people think we went at it like bunnies for months. If it helps you out, I don't care. And if I knew Jasper wouldn't care, I'd take a selfie of us in bed together now and post it to my Insta so people could speculate." But he would probably definitely care, and she wasn't about to do that. Jules chewed on her lip thoughtfully for a moment. "But, I mean... this can work for awhile, Sebastian, but I don't think you can hide it forever. Especially if you actually like Hunter."
“I wouldn’t let you do that to him,” Sebastian said with a shake of his head. “Maybe if you two weren’t publicly together and he was in on it, but even then… I don’t wanna do that anymore, you know? I’m really lucky you don’t hate me. It feels like a privilege to be in your bed again in any capacity,” he smiled. ‘On’ her bed was more accurate and he was far more comfortable this time than he’d been then. “I know,” he sighed. “‘Cause I like him. I really, really like him.” It was hard not to become all mushy and bubbly thinking about Hunter, especially after this evening. “I just don’t know what to do about it right now. It feels like this mountain that I don’t know how to get over. Maybe if I break it down into little bits, I can figure out how to get over it, but I’ve spent a really long time trying to pretend it wasn’t there, so it’s just a lot.”
She wouldn't have done that to Jasper either, mostly because she knew he would hate it, and frankly, Jules didn't really want people thinking she and Sebastian were together. She was with Jasper and as unlikely as that probably was, she was happy with him. "I wouldn't hate you, even if you weren't gay," Jules said. "You weren't a dick to me, and you didn't cheat on me or anything. It would be stupid to hate you. Look, if you like Hunter, and you want to stop hiding, like you said, just... take small steps. You don't have to scale the mountain all in one go. Just do whatever you're comfortable with. If Hunter likes you too, then he'll be patient with you, right? And you've got Greg, and me, and I guess Mak Richberg." She wasn't even going to mention Ruby. Pfft. "Just, like, enjoy what you can and deal with stuff as it comes. Like tonight. I'm sorry I texted you out of the blue like that."
“She’s Hunter’s best friend,” Sebastian said, feeling a little like he needed to explain how Mak came into the mix. Jules knew he didn’t usually hang out with her, so she probably seemed random otherwise. And he hoped she had his back. If Hunter’s best friend didn’t like him, they were probably doomed. He’d always felt like that was important. “Thanks, though. I have, like, my own little support group now,” he said, rolling his eyes at himself. “I’d rather you ask now than at school. I know you told me not to freak out, but I was definitely freaking out.” If he’d been in class, he’d probably have just walked out. “I couldn’t just answer you by text though. Thanks for letting me come by.”
"I know," Jules said with a soft shrug. "That's why I invited her to my party a couple weekends ago." She liked Hunter, so if she wanted Hunter around, it made sense to invite his best friend. And with Mak came Sabrina Cox, which was a whole other level of crazy, but it was what it was. Parties were more fun with a lot of people, so she couldn't complain about it too much. Jules smiled softly and reached up to tweak some of Sebastian's hair. "It's okay. I didn't want to ask you in school and I wasn't sure how to ask you face to face. I chickened out a bit by texting, but I'm glad you came over too. Did you run or something? I didn't hear your car and you got here pretty quick."
“Yeah,” Sebastian said with a little laugh, leaning into the touch. He’d let just about anyone play with his hair. He was a bit like a cat like that, though he really did try not to purr. “I kind of just took off. You’re only a block away and, if I go on foot, my parents are more likely to think I just hopped over to Greg’s. I didn’t even tell them I was leaving.” But with his car in the driveway, they’d know he hadn’t gone too far. Or guess he’d gone out for a run. He did that often enough, though if they paid attention, they’d realize he never did the night before a game. He got enough of a workout at practice. “Does your mom even care that I’m up here?” he asked, raising a brow.
Boys really seemed to love it when she played with their hair. It was something Jules noticed about Jasper too. A soft laugh escaped her when he asked about her mom. "Oh, please. She's probably thrilled, to be honest. If any boy is going to defile her daughter, it might as well be a boy from a well to do family." Jules didn't know that for sure, but Jules knew for damn sure that if Jasper had knocked on the door her mom would have shut it right back in his face. Margaret had tried to get Jules to get back together with Sebastian for weeks after they broke up, not seeming to care that Sebastian had been the one to break up with her. Jules arched a brow. "Want me to walk you back home?"
“Right? My mom was super excited I was taking you to Homecoming. I told her it was just as friends, but I think she keeps hoping we’re gonna get back together,” Sebastian said, shaking his head and rolling his eyes. Jules was exactly the kind of girlfriend his mother wanted for him. Sebastian gave a little shake of his head. “It’s okay. It’s cold and you’re in your pajamas,” he said, then leaned in and gave her a kiss on the cheek. “Thanks, Jules. Like, seriously. This means a lot to me.”
The two of them together made sense on paper, or whatever. And it made sense that their parents would want them to date. But it just wasn't meant to be, for obvious reasons, and Jules was okay with that now. She smiled softly when he kissed her cheek, and Jules ruffled his hair a bit. "It's no problem, Bastian. I've got your back. Be careful walking home." Yes, she was only a block away, but knowing what she knew about this town now, she wanted everyone she cared about to be safe. "And try not to let my mom corner you downstairs. You're leaving looked all red faced and hair messy, so she's probably going to assume we just made out."
“I will be,” Sebastian promised as he climbed off the bed. It wasn’t a long walk back home. He’d be there in five minutes or less. He couldn’t imagine what could happen between here and there. “I’ll be quiet,” he said with a little laugh. “No reason to get her hopes up.” It was so weird how invested their parents were in their social lives. Sebastian didn’t mind them showing an interest, but it would be nice if they weren’t so pushy. But then that might take them speaking up about what they really wanted and neither of them were ready for that. “Night, Jules,” he smiled at her before sneaking out the door. That had gone far better than he expected. He could only wish that everyone was as accepting.