Jared Gaines (thatbigguy) wrote in shadows_rpg, @ 2018-01-31 16:22:00 |
|
|||
Entry tags: | #september 2017, jared, jared x ty, ty |
Who: Jared & Ty
What: Calming down after the crazy
Where: Ty's place
When: Tuesday, Sept 26, evening
Status: Complete
Warning: Turns NSFW
By the end of the day, Jared felt exhausted in ways he hadn't realized he could feel. It went beyond tired and into some completely different territory where he didn't think he could sleep no matter how much he wanted to. He was sad too, guilt and worry gnawing at him, only getting worse every time he looked at Ty's face. He had broken his nose and pointed a gun at him and he had no idea how they were ever going to move past it, even if it hadn't been his fault. Still, there was a tiny bit of relief in the mix when it got late and Grady sent them home. They weren't going to be of use to anyone if they were too tired to work and after a certain hour the risk of people being out and about despite the warnings became considerably smaller.
He still hadn't gotten his car fixed so getting a ride with Ty was pretty normal looking and by the time they left the station it was hard to keep his hands to himself. He kept reaching over, giving Ty's shoulder a little squeeze and rubbing his arm or thigh just to make contact. Of course he couldn't distract him too much, driving in the fog was still hard and he was still on edge, but not being on duty gave him free reign to actually show affection so that's what he'd do.
The fog still fucking sucked, but Ty wasn’t sure he’d ever been quite so glad to be driving home. They’d managed to get through the rest of the day without any more serious incidents -- though one guy who’d obviously been out in the fog for a while had flailed and hit Ty in the face, a glancing blow that wouldn’t have been anything if it hadn’t hit him in the nose. It had been hard not to puke on him. But the pain of that had faded enough by the time they were going home that Ty wasn’t even thinking about it anymore. Granted, he wasn’t thinking about much of anything except getting them home in one piece. He was too wiped out.
Ty parked the car as close to his apartment as possible, and looked over at Jared as he turned the keys off. “Once more through this fucking bullshit,” he murmured, gesturing through the window at the fog that still hung over the town like a goddamn curse. “Then we’re home.” Whether it would still be there in the morning, Ty didn’t even want to think about yet.
Jared hadn't let himself think it was over and he probably wouldn't until the fog was gone. It felt too much like a jinx to let his guard down so soon. He frowned softly as he looked out the window, then nodded sharply at Ty. "Rush through it," he said and it wasn't the first time that day he'd said those exact words. "If... you feel anything weird once we're inside you let me know and I'll do the same." He had a feeling that if the fog was there the next day they might have to evacuate the town. Whatever was going on couldn't continue, it was dangerous and terrifying and worst of all they didn't know what it was.
Cars and buildings seemed to be safe so far, but that didn’t mean they would stay that way, Ty knew. If the effects started seeping into the insides ... there wasn’t much hope for them. He would’ve thought that was overly dramatic if he hadn’t been in it and felt that mindless, incredibly strong compulsion toward violence. Some of the things they’d seen today ... not everyone was going to survive it. Ty could only hope that indoors stayed safe, and this was all over soon. He gave a nod to what Jared said, finding the right key to open up his apartment before he put his hand on the door handle. “Ready?” he asked Jared, then pulled the door open. “Go.”
If Jared hadn't experienced everything he had that day he'd have felt like an idiot kid sprinting for the door but it was warranted and he was afraid. He was all but bouncing while Ty unlocked the door and it felt like forever even if he did it impressively fast. Once they were inside, the door closed and locked behind them, he leaned against the wall and watched Ty closely. "Okay?" he asked on the off chance that there had been an open window somewhere and whatever was driving them crazy had made its way into his apartment somehow.
Ty was breathing harder than he should have been, more from the nerves than the physical exertion. He knew he never left windows open, so that wasn’t a worry, but who the fuck knew what was possible now. He stood more than an arm’s length away from Jared for a moment, looking around his apartment and waiting for any paranoia to start to creep in. That feeling had gotten kind of familiar now, with a day spent in and out of the insanity. When he continued to feel the same as he had in the car, he looked at Jared again. “I think so, yeah,” he murmured. “You okay?”
Jared nodded once he'd taken stock of what he was feeling and while he wasn't really okay he was at least not feeling those abnormal effects of the fog right now. "Kinda makes me wish I was - or knew - one of those nutters who have gas masks and bunkers, you know?" If gas masks even worked, maybe they'd need a whole hazmat suit to get through that thing and Jared wondered if that was what they'd be looking at in the coming days. Military, the CDC, someone else stepping in to sort out this mess. It all felt a little too big for a simple deputy and there wasn't a whole lot Jared could do about any of it right now so focusing on the here and now seemed like the saner thing to do. "How about... a hot shower and some more painkillers for you. That sound good?"
Now that they were home and safe enough for the moment, Ty really just wanted to fucking relax. All the tension had given him one bitch of a headache -- the broken nose didn’t help either, of course, but he had a feeling he would have it regardless -- and he needed to unwind as much as possible or he would never sleep. So Jared’s suggestions were right on the money. “Sounds perfect,” he murmured. Ty leaned his ass against the wall to get his boots off near the door, then started shuffling toward the bedroom, starting to strip on the way. His movements were much more ginger than usual, and he gave a little wince as tugging his shirt off pulled at the soreness in his shoulder. Jared was good with those pressure points.
Jared followed him, noting the way he carried himself, a fresh surge of guilt running through him. It didn't seem to be going away anytime soon, no matter how much he tried to remind himself that neither of them was to blame for what had happened. His own injuries were mostly psychological but he had to admit he was sore where Ty's fists had made impact and there were no doubt bruises to be seen once he got his clothes off. He had a feeling Ty would feel like shit about that too and he wasn't looking forward to it. Not their fault, he'd just have to remind them both of that until they hopefully believed it.
He felt like he was moving slow, but fuck, maybe he was entitled to it tonight. Ty made sure there were clean towels within reach, then started up the hot water in the shower. He carefully pulled the rest of his clothes off and tossed them toward the hamper. The pain in his head was demanding attention, so Ty went over to the sink to open up the medicine cabinet and poke through plastic bottles until he found some painkillers. He shook out several into his palm and tossed them back, washing them down with water from the faucet.
Jared had started stripping down and he watched Ty for a second as he dropped his shirt then hesitated before speaking. "Come here," he said softly. They were alone, finally, and nobody was going to walk in on them here so that urge he'd had all day to hold him could finally be taken care of. He told himself he'd understand if Ty didn't want to right then, if he'd rather just get in the shower and take care of the things that needed taking care of but Jared needed this so he hoped he wasn't the only one.
Ty looked up at Jared’s reflection in the mirror, just studying him for a moment. With him bare from the waist up, Ty could see bruised places on his body, and he remembered too clearly being the one to put them there. Maybe not every single one, they’d tussled with so many people today, but a lot of them. He’d been out of his mind, but it was hard to remember that when he could recall the fierce joy of punching his boyfriend with all his might. He turned and walked over to Jared, his gaze aimed somewhere around his collarbone. Ty reached out to brush his fingers lightly over one of Jared’s bruises.
"No," Jared said quietly because he hadn't asked him to come over there to go bruise-hunting and tripping down guilt lane. Instead he wrapped his arms around him and pulled him gently in closer just to hold him close to his chest. There were probably things he could say, smart things that would make both of them feel better but he had no idea what those things should be so he said nothing at first and let that physical closeness do the talking.
Being held was probably better than saying anything anyway. Ty let himself be pulled in, turning his face so he didn’t bump his nose against Jared’s body. He slipped his own arms around Jared’s waist, holding onto him loosely at first. He didn’t want to hurt him, even though it was probably too late to want that, he’d hugged him tight in the locker room. It was different when you could see the bruises you’d left. He stood in the embrace and tried to soak in warmth from it and stop thinking about all of it, especially how scared he’d been with a gun muzzle aimed at his head.
They both smelled bad but Jared didn't much care about that. It was just interesting. Terror sweat smelled different than normal sweat and they'd both been terrified all damn day. It was exhausting and soul crushing and Jared could feel the Drop coming on. Everything he wanted to say he'd already said but maybe it wasn't too bad to be a broken record when it was a message that really needed to be heard. "I would never, ever in my right mind ever hurt you," he whispered and saying it out loud made his chest ache again.
Ty absolutely believed that ... so why did it put a painful lump in his throat? He closed his eyes, brow furrowing despite the pain it caused in his face. “I know,” he murmured, his voice low and a little raspy. Ty’s arms settled a bit more firmly around Jared. “Me either.” But he hadn’t been the one to pull a deadly weapon, had he? Ty knew he couldn’t blame Jared for that, it had been the fog and whatever poison was in it, but he couldn’t shake the mental image of Jared holding him at gunpoint. “Me either, never.”
It wasn't unreasonable to fear this would ruin everything between them. Even if they hadn't been in control, it was hard to unsee something ugly once you'd seen it and Jared was honestly afraid that Ty would never unsee Jared pointing a loaded pistol at his face. Punching was one thing, a simple punch didn't tear an irreparable hole in a person's body or end their life. Jared wasn't even sure he'd ever get over it himself. He'd never felt those things before and yet he'd been angry and scared in the past but this had been on a whole other level. It was an ugliness he hadn't realized could live inside of him and finding it there still shook him to the core.
There didn’t seem to be much else to say. Ty had no real words for what he was feeling, and even if he did, he didn’t know if it would be wise to spill them. It had just all been so shocking and terrifying, and it was still so raw and fresh. With nothing to keep busy with and the ache in his head fading a tiny bit and the white noise of the shower, it was impossible for Ty to keep everything locked down. The whole day kept replaying over and over in his head, and before he knew it the lump in his throat had dissolved into tears. He didn’t want to cry over this, but it felt like something his body literally needed to do. Ty’s breath hitched and he gave Jared a squeeze as the crack in the dam got bigger.
Jared couldn't count the times over the day where he'd wanted to break down and cry so this wasn't exactly surprising. The stillness was overwhelming after the kind of day they had and there was nothing to hold them back now. He wished he could tell Ty it was over, that they were okay now, but he didn't fucking know that so he kept quiet and gently rubbed his back as he placed small kisses on his forehead.
It did feel nice to be held, but that niceness didn’t hold much of a candle to everything that currently hurt. Not even just physically -- though his busted nose was giving him fresh agony with all the pressure of crying -- but mentally and emotionally too. Ty had always considered himself a pretty logical, down to earth person, and there had been nothing logical about what had happened today. He knew it hadn’t been Jared’s fault, of course not, just like his own insane actions hadn’t been his fault. But God, that there had been anything that could make him do that ... Ty couldn’t seem to purge that thought. He let himself cry for a couple of minutes, before it all got too painful and tiring. He pulled back a bit to wipe at his eyes and nose. “Wastin’ hot water,” he mumbled.
Jared couldn't argue with that. They really needed to get clean and not just in a physical sense, like washing up could rinse off some of the badness of the day. He wished it was that simple but of course it wasn't. It would take a long time for this to heal and a large part of him was still terrified that everything that had happened meant whatever had been building between him and Ty would now end. He let go of Ty, stroking his arm lightly before pulling back completely to finish undressing. He'd already stifled his tears so often today that now that he had time and space to actually cry he felt like he couldn't. He felt hollow save for the crushing depression and fear of losing the best thing in his life right now. The pants came off and he kicked them to the side along with his underwear and socks, realizing he didn't really have anything to change into and finding himself unable to care at the moment. All he wanted to do was get clean and horizontal somewhere for a little while.
Since Jared still had clothes to take off, Ty went ahead and climbed into the shower. It stung to put his face into the hot spray, but it was a good kind of sting in a way. It focused him back into the present anyway, and the hot water felt great pounding against his tired muscles. He picked up his bodywash and loofah and started to lather himself up, eager to get the stink of the day off of him, at least. The sooner they got into bed and could be quiet and still together, the better. As conflicted as he was feeling about everything that had happened, Ty took it as a good sign that he definitely still wanted to fall asleep next to Jared tonight. He just needed a bit of distance from having a gun pointed at his face, that was all.
Jared kept expecting him to need more distance but he had offered and Ty had declined more than once over the day so he wasn't going to push it. He would have hated being alone tonight so it was a relief that Ty wanted him there but he still felt like he had to make himself small somehow, less threatening. It was a feeling he wasn't entirely unused to but that was usually with women he didn't know well or at all. He'd never felt that way around a man because the only men who had been wary of him had a good reason to be. Now though, he couldn't shake that feeling that he had been terrifying and he had no idea if or how he could take that back. He also didn't ever want to carry a gun again which was unreasonable given his profession so that was something he was going to have to work through as well and all these worries and fears were endlessly circling in his mind, wearing him down. He stepped into the shower behind Ty and put his hand flat against his back, constantly needing to touch him as if to reassure him or himself somehow.
Ty didn’t mind the touch. It wasn’t like he suddenly didn’t trust Jared anymore -- he’d been at his most vulnerable with the man, and Jared had never hurt him. He’d never been any sort of rough that Ty didn’t want him to be. He had to think that this heavy, uncomfortable feeling in his stomach would ease, with a good night’s sleep and some time. He didn’t know if they would be afforded the luxury of much time, if the fog didn’t lift, but still. It would come eventually. Ty got himself the rest of the way clean and rinsed himself off, then made room for Jared to do the same. It ended up being temporary room though, because Ty felt compelled to step in close again and wrap his arms around Jared from behind while they were switching places. Ty rested his forehead against Jared’s spine and sighed a little. “I don’t blame you,” he said, just loud enough to be heard. “I just gotta ... stop seeing it.”
Those words seemed to go straight to the core of whatever hollowness Jared was feeling, sparking off more than he could handle. It was the right thing to say and he appreciated it but he also couldn't help but picture just what Ty kept seeing and it was ugly. He nodded sharply, his face going tense as he tried to stop his chin from wobbling. "It's gonna take time," he croaked and ducked his head under the water as if it might help. The whole crying in the rain thing was bullshit though, water didn't hide but one symptom of crying and that was the easiest one to deal with anyway. His body lurched as he tried to hold it in and failed and he had a sudden urge to punch the wall. At least this time it was his own frustration and not something else and it was far more desperate than angry.
Somehow it helped that Jared was so upset about it. Ty didn’t like it, exactly, but it was still a comfort. If Jared had just been shrugging it off, it would’ve been another punch in the face. But he wasn’t, he was obviously agonizing over it, and that quieted down some of the nagging doubts that wouldn’t shut up in Ty’s head. He held onto Jared tighter, one hand sliding up to his chest. He didn’t try to tell him it wouldn’t take any time, that everything would be totally fine by the morning, but he wanted to. Ty knew Jared’s bullshit detector was better than that, and he honestly didn’t know how long it would actually take him to get over it. He also knew that he wanted to, that he didn’t want to lose what they had. He pressed a kiss against Jared’s back, trying to be as silently supportive as he could.
Crying simultaneously hurt and helped because while it was awful it also helped relieve some of the tension that had been stuck like a heavy stone in Jared's chest all day. "I never lose control," he said and it came out questioning, desperate and more than a little nasal. The fact that something could make him go that crazy was terrifying and he needed to know what it was. It reminded him of something out of a horror movie, where soldiers were doped up and driven crazy though he couldn't remember where he'd seen it and it didn't matter. He just didn't want to be part of something like that and it was not a side of himself he'd wanted to get to know.
“I know,” Ty answered, giving him a firmer squeeze. He’d been partners off and on with Jared for years, through plenty of tough situations, and he’d always kept a level head. With certain triggers -- one of which had been uttered that afternoon -- Ty wasn’t so even-tempered, but those times were few and far between. He’d never hit a civilian though, especially not one that was already cuffed and neutralized. So Ty had some sympathy for what Jared was feeling. He just didn’t feel it as keenly because most of his ire had been turned on people he didn’t personally give a shit about. “It wasn’t you.” They’d both said as much at least a dozen times today, but Ty would repeat it as many times as it took to stick.
It was worth repeating, maybe if they said it enough times it would really sink in. Jared knew he'd feel like shit for a long time no matter how many times Ty reminded him it wasn't his fault and Ty's face was a rude reminder of what he'd done. He slowly turned around and cupped the back of Ty's neck gently. "Whatever you need to get through this shit, you just say the words." He wouldn't know what he'd need if their roles were reversed and he didn't know what he needed now but he'd do anything for Ty right now and he needed him to know that.
Ty rested his hands on Jared’s sides when he turned, his face tilted up to him. He knew he looked awful, his face swollen and bruised, a neat horizontal split scabbed over on his nose. If his skin tone had been lighter, he knew the bruising would’ve been even more obvious, but it was probably glowing like neon to Jared anyway. Ty rubbed his thumbs against Jared’s wet skin and gave him a soft little smile. “How ‘bout you kiss me, for starters?” he murmured. The big hand on the back of his neck felt good, and he took that as another good sign. Ty pulled Jared’s body in a little closer to his, wanting him to know that Ty was okay with being close right now. He needed it, in fact.
Jared smiled and huffed a bit in amusement but it came out all wrong and half crying. It would be the worst kiss they shared, he was sure of it, with the state of Ty's face and Jared's split lip and all the fucking crying but at the same time it was possibly the most important kiss ever. "I can do that," he said softly and tried to swallow that lump in his throat before he leaned down to kiss Ty. He did so very carefully, mindful of the bruises and split skin.
It ended up being a soft kiss, but there was nothing wrong with soft, was there? Not when they were both feeling so raw. Ty cupped one hand at the back of Jared’s neck to keep him in close, rubbing gently at his back with his other set of fingers. He was careful too, more of Jared’s lip than his own injuries, but it felt damn good to finally do that. They hadn’t kissed since before the drive in that morning, and that felt like it had happened a billion years ago now. Ty just wanted to linger in it for a while, let it heal what it could in them.
Jared felt like clinging to him for as long as he could and that kiss, however soft and a little painful, was exactly what he needed right now. He didn't want to be standing in there when they ran out of hot water though so eventually he pulled back and gave Ty a faint smile. There were so many things he wanted to say to him but he didn't even know where to start so it would have to wait. "Let's get out of here," he said instead, grabbing the bodywash to make quick work of finishing up with getting clean.
In a world of endless hot water, Ty would’ve happily stayed in there with him for hours, but he was more than ready to get off his feet. He nodded his agreement, then moved to go ahead and get out, since he was done. It would give Jared more room too; he hoped whatever house Jared ended up buying had a big shower. They were large men with sometimes unruly elbows. Ty grabbed his towel and started to dry off, glad to finally feel less disgusting. He wished he could scrub the inside as much as the outside, but that would come with time, like Jared said.
Jared didn't really feel like he could get clean enough which was definitely more a mental thing than a physical one so he forced himself to get out of the shower and start drying up. The shower - and the kissing - had helped a lot with calming him down and he finally managed to bring himself to really look at Ty's face and what he'd done to it. He tilted his face up with a gentle nudge of his chin, frowning softly as he looked it over but at least it didn't look like he needed to do anything drastic, just wait for it to heal. Jared sighed a bit dejectedly and pressed his lips together, then stroked Ty's cheek with his thumb. "I think I can safely say this has been the worst day of my life," he said softly. There had been some pretty bad days but nothing like this.
Ty let him look, a tiny smile toying with the corner of his mouth. It wasn’t even really amusement, more some other complicated emotion. He’d never had a broken nose before, but he’d known plenty of people who had, and he would just have to give it time. Maybe put some tape on it in the morning or something. He didn’t even think it would end up crooked. He was just already looking forward to his sinuses un-swelling themselves. The look he gave Jared was full of sympathy and understanding. “It’s been a bad one,” he murmured. Ty reached to gently take Jared’s free hand, mindful of busted knuckles. “Not my worst, but bad. So come on, let’s salvage what we can of the night.” He started to back up toward the door, pulling Jared along.
"Not your worst," Jared echoed incredulously and he knew that was not something Ty would say lightly. "That sounds like a story to tell," he added with a faint smile that much like Ty's smile wasn't a terribly happy one. Jared had been through bad things before, his dad's shooting, nasty arguments and scary moments on the job but this one was the worst because he'd never lost himself before. He wasn't sure he wanted to know what had affected Ty this badly in the past, nor was he sure that Ty would want him to know, but he also felt like he had to.
“Some other time,” Ty said easily enough. He wasn’t quite ready to go there with Jared, dredge up being in his darkest place so long ago, ready to put an end to his own pain. He hadn’t talked about those days with anyone since he’d stopped going to therapy, and he felt like he’d moved on, but it was nothing they needed to discuss tonight. The day had been dark enough. But maybe it would help Jared a little to know Ty had been through worse hell than this. Not by much, but enough. Not bothering to put anything on, Ty moved to climb into the bed, giving a little groan as he stretched out.
Ty seemed to have taken the brunt of the physical damage today and Jared winced in sympathy as he followed him onto the bed. He had some bruises, sure, mostly his hands just hurt from banging on metal but it didn't feel all that bad compared to how he felt emotionally. He stretched out on his side next to Ty, lightly resting his hand on his chest. "We got through that," he said quietly, a reassurance more for himself than Ty, really. "I think all things considered we did pretty good. All of us." With how many reserve deputies there had been, with how many guns were in town, it could have been so much worse and that was what he was trying to focus on now. The fact he hadn't pulled the trigger, the fact neither of them had killed anyone today.
It was a good positive to focus on, and Ty nodded a little. He shifted in a bit closer, so he was pressed in against Jared while staying on his back. That shoulder was the one that had gotten wrenched, so he wasn’t going to put any more weight on it if he could help it. “You probably saved ten lives today,” he murmured, gazing up seriously at his boyfriend. “At least three of them single-handedly.” Who knew how hard and how long Ty would’ve kept punching that man, but Jared had been there to pull him off. He’d gotten the other two separated and into cars. It had all been fucking heroic, when you really got down to it. Ty’s hand moved up to lightly brush the backs of his knuckles against Jared’s arm. “I’m glad I was with you,” he added softly.
'Yeah, but I pulled a gun on you' Jared thought and that was what it all ended up boiling down to, wasn't it. He could have carried five hundred people out of a burning building but at the end of the day he'd pointed a loaded gun at his boyfriend. "I was so scared," he whispered slowly and while he didn't want Ty to know the things he'd been thinking at the time, he still felt partially like he should know that a big chunk of it had just been fear. "Of you, of myself, everyone else..." He caught Ty's hand and brought it to his lips, pressing a long kiss on his fingers. "But I would have spent the whole day worrying about you if you hadn't been right there."
Ty could understand that. He’d more been caught up in the anger than the fear of it all, but he remembered just how alien and fucked up that feeling had been ... how big and overwhelming it had been. There had been no room for anything else. Normal fear made people do all kinds of terrible shit, and this was fear on steroids. It was kind of incredible that Jared had the control not to shoot all of them. Ty stroked one finger against Jared’s cheek as he kissed him, the softness of it feeling significant somehow. “Somebody else might have actually killed me,” he pointed out. “Or one of those men. Or all of us. But you didn’t. So it’s okay. ... it’ll be okay, anyway.”
He wasn't wrong but it was hard to feel good about any of it when it had all been so horrible. Jared nodded softly but stayed quiet, holding Ty's hand against his lips because it felt good and intimate and he needed that closeness. He was still afraid, this time in a different way, afraid that this might be their last night together, that while things were good right now all of what had happened would push them apart and that was if things even returned to normal. That was another fear, that they'd wake up and the fog would still be there and why wouldn't it be? It had been there for three days now, thick and unrelenting and now driving people mad. It made him want to tell Ty exactly how he felt for him but that also felt like undue pressure so he bit it back and let some of those feelings leak out into the touch instead.
Ty couldn’t even bring himself to think about what might happen if this wasn’t over tomorrow. They might have to run, all of them. He’d already talked to his aunt and his mother that day, warning them in no uncertain terms to stay inside as long as this fog stuck around, that he would come to them with food if they needed it, all of that. If it came down to it, he would grab them and Jared and get the fuck out of town. That was if things got really dire though; the fog hadn’t done anything except be a nuisance for several days, maybe this bad patch would ... end. That was probably ridiculously naive, but Ty could hope. He gazed at Jared, taking in all the tiny details of his face and the way his lips felt against Ty’s fingers. It all made his tired eyes sting again. I’m falling for you, you know that right? part of him wanted to say, but it all got blocked up in his throat. The L-word had always seemed more like a curse to his relationships, and while he knew that was stupid, it was still so hard to say.
It was like all those things they weren't saying were tangible things between them though Jared wasn't sure if it was just him overthinking everything or if it really was both of them. He was watching Ty too though he was more fretful as he studied his face. "You should have that looked at tomorrow," he said quietly. "Or as soon as the swelling goes down. Make sure, you know..." He couldn't let himself think about what it would be like if this fog business continued because it got too big in his head, like what if it spread, how far would it spread, where would they go. So he let it go and focused on now, focused on 'what if it goes away' instead. It was a lot easier to think about the things he needed to do as soon as things calmed down like getting the car fixed, look for a new car, look into a new apartment the mundane things that on any normal day would feel like a chore but tonight he hoped he'd have to do them all.
He nodded a little. If they had the time, he would definitely stop in at the hospital, if only to make sure he hadn’t fucked up his whole face by setting it himself. A crooked nose might give some people character, but Ty was too vain to want one. Besides that, he knew what Jared would think about every time he looked at him, and Ty didn’t want that. He moved his fingers to gently scratch in Jared’s beard, then brushed his thumb over his upper cheek. Ty arched his neck up to kiss him again, still soft but with a bit more emotion behind it. It was mostly because he wanted to, but there was an element of shutting himself up, too. If his lips were occupied he couldn’t say something stupid just because today had been traumatizing.
Jared followed him when he went back down and kissed him again, part because he didn't want Ty to be stretching sore muscles just to kiss him and part because he too wanted to shut the hell up. There were too many stupid things pushing to be said, good and bad, and he really needed to rein it in before he did more damage to their relationship. Kissing just made him want to say the good things more though and he hummed quietly as he pulled back, giving Ty a sad little smile. "Do you think you can sleep?" he whispered and the way Ty was looking at him made it even harder to ignore the 'I love you' and 'I can't lose you' that kept buzzing in his mind.
Ty’s other hand had come up to cup the back of Jared’s neck while they kissed, both of their mouths gentle and careful. It made his heart ache and made that block in his throat feel even thicker. He curled his fingers against the short hair at the back of Jared’s head, not letting him pull too far back. Ty wanted to stay as close as he could for as long as he could. “I dunno,” he whispered back. “Do you wanna try?” He kind of didn’t. He kind of wanted to stay up as long as he physically could and kiss and hold his boyfriend until they both literally passed out, but he knew that wasn’t a great idea. Lots of things he wanted weren’t great ideas, it seemed.
He didn't sound like he really wanted to so Jared wasn't sure what to say. He kind of did want to sleep, if only because maybe sleeping would put some of this pain to rest. Sleep was good medicine and maybe when they woke up things would be better. There was a lot of 'maybe' involved and another maybe was that things could be worse when they woke up so this might be all they had. He kissed Ty again, keeping it light and brief because he was pretty sure he wasn't breathing too easily right now. "I'm right where I want to be, asleep or not," he said quietly.
Ty didn’t know what he wanted, honestly. He was exhausted, but he was kind of afraid to fall asleep. If he could barely keep the bad memory of Jared pointing a gun at his face out of the forefront of his mind while he was awake, Ty was already dreading what it could do to his sleep. He kind of wanted to pass out, he kind of wanted to cry some more, he kind of wanted to try to get Jared aroused so they could get even closer for a while. Ty kind of suspected that wouldn’t work though, and he probably didn’t really have the energy for it anyway. It was just a thing that he wanted. “You’re all I want,” he murmured, his voice a little raw. Ty swallowed thickly. He probably needed to go to sleep, he was feeling tired-tender and like all his defenses were down.
"I'm all yours," Jared whispered and his eyes stung a bit at the mere fact Ty wanted him at all. He kissed him again before pulling away to lie down properly, pressing his face in against the side of Ty's face. "I think we've really earned our scuba diving vacation now, don't you think?" It was a feeble attempt at taking them somewhere good, to think of something nice before they slept. It had made such an impact on Jared thinking about what it would be like that he hoped it was a strong enough daydream to push some of the darkness aside for now.
Ty huffed a little scoff-laugh, nudging his cheek against Jared’s face for a moment before he had to move to turn off the lamp. He settled back in quickly, pulling at Jared’s arm to make sure he stayed in close. Ty needed his warmth and weight against him until he fell asleep. “Definitely,” he murmured in the dark. “For a month, minimum.” A whole month off, somewhere tropical where he could kiss and touch his man all he wanted? Sounded like bliss. Ty fell quiet again, stroking his fingers against Jared’s arm while his eyes adjusted to the room. The curtains were drawn, so he couldn’t see the press of that evil fog against his windows, but Ty imagined he could feel it there, waiting to slip in through any cracks. “In case we wake up crazy, I need you to know something,” he whispered.
Jared had grinned a little at the month bit and he thought they deserved at least three for the kind of shit they put up with today. In an ideal world, at least. He was feeling a little more settled down and calm when Ty spoke again and for some reason those words of his sent a mini tornado through his core. "Okay," he whispered, pressing a little kiss on Ty's shoulder. He supposed he could have reassured him that they wouldn't wake up crazy but he didn't know that for sure and he was afraid they might so... Whatever Ty wanted to tell him, he wanted to hear it. No matter what it was.
It was such a stupid human thing that it was easier to talk in the dark. At least about that deeply emotional stuff that was always so scary for him. Jared was about as bodily close as he could get without being on top of Ty, but because they couldn’t see each other well, it felt like there was some distance. A touch of safety. Not that Ty honestly thought confessing his feelings wouldn’t be safe with Jared, but still. He licked his lips, though his mouth suddenly felt too dry. “I’ve been in love twice. Or thought I was,” he started softly. “Both times ended badly. It made me kinda skittish about it, like ... I dunno, like it was a jinx or something. I know that’s stupid. But ... I’m falling for you. Really fast and really hard. It’s fucking terrifying, but ... kill or be killed situations kinda put shit into perspective. And you deserve to know now, just in case.” Ty ended with a mumble, his cheeks feeling like they were burning from more than his swollen nose.
Just in case. Hearing all of this would have been so much sweeter if not for that urgency and fear looming over them and Jared pressed another kiss on Ty's shoulder, tightening his hold on him for a moment. "You're going to feel like such a dork when we wake up and everything is fine," he whispered because he had to make light of it all a little bit or else this moment might crush him. "I feel the same way," he added then more seriously. "And it's not stupid to be scared, just means it... means something." Ty was right. It was easier to talk in the dark when he couldn't see Ty's face, only feel his warm body and listen to his slightly shaken breath. "I'm scared right now," he whispered. "That... all of this will ruin whatever we have, that you won't be able to shake it..."
Ty’s lips twisted upward a bit at the first part, because it was absolutely true, he was going to feel stupid if everything was fine. Stupid and goddamn grateful, he would take that trade-off. He’d just already lost one important person in his life without saying the things that needed to be said, Ty didn’t want to do that again if he could help it. He hadn’t been oblivious to the feelings Jared was always radiating at him, but it still felt good to hear him say he felt the same. And, weirdly, to hear that he was scared of the same things Ty was. With a soft sigh, Ty rolled up onto his side, shifting his arm into a position that hurt his shoulder the least, and gently pressed his forehead to Jared’s. Ty slipped his other arm around him to pull them closer together. “Wish I could promise that it’ll pass fast and painless,” he murmured. “But we can’t know anything yet. Except that I don’t want it to ruin anything either. Whatever happens, I’m not letting go of you easy.”
It was more reassuring than if Ty had tried to paint it with pretty colors and tell him things would be okay. That added honesty was grounding and combined with the closeness of Ty's body those words were doing a good job of really calming him down. "Good," he whispered. "I'm not ready to let go of you either." Time might change that for both of them but he'd be damned if he'd let some stupid ass fog ruin the good they currently had. "Whatever you need me to do, whatever you need from me, you just tell me."
That lump was back in Ty’s throat, but he didn’t mind it so much this time. His chest felt too full, and his fingers flexed into the thick muscle of Jared’s back, just to hold onto him a little tighter. “I will,” he promised, then softly cleared his throat. “You too, okay? It didn’t just suck for me.” Ty tilted his head to press his lips against the bridge of Jared’s nose, lingering there for a moment. The look of horror in his eyes once he’d gotten back in the cruiser and realized what has just happened was pretty haunting all by itself.
Jared stopped himself before he started comparing just how much worse it had probably been for Ty because Ty was right, it had sucked for both of them. "I will," he agreed because harping on about how he had been the one to pull a gun wasn't going to help either of them move on and he needed to remember that strictly speaking it hadn't been him. It was going to be hard to carry that gun around again but that was also something he needed to work on. He wanted to kiss Ty again but he was honestly worried he'd bump into his already sore nose if he moved at all so he didn't. Instead he gently stroked his back, breathing deeply as he clung to him. "We should try to sleep," he whispered because tomorrow was probably going to be a shit show whether the fog remained or not. "Try and dream about scuba diving, okay?"
Sleep was the sensible thing, it really was. They were both exhausted as hell, and it was going to be an early morning no matter what, and potentially another hellish day. But maybe that was why Ty kind of wanted to stay up, too. Things right then were peaceful and warm and, in spite of his various aches and pains, comfortable. He wished they could just stay in that moment. Ty moved his face back down so he could catch Jared’s lips with his own, lingering too long for it to be chaste, but keeping it soft. He just wanted to kiss him for a few minutes, steadfastly ignoring how it made his face ache. “You sure?” he murmured into it.
Jared smiled faintly against his lips. He hadn't wanted to initiate anything while everything felt so raw but truth be told he felt like a little something might ease some of the tension of the day. Not to mention since they were both a little scared things might just get worse. "No," he murmured, kissing Ty again soft and cautious. "Not sure at all." He was tired, sure, but he also felt that same urge to cling to this moment while they still could, even if they ended up paying the price tomorrow.
That answer gave Ty a happy twinge in his stomach, and he pressed into the kiss a bit more. He hadn’t wanted to push too hard for anything either, just in case Jared’s mood was too far sideways, but he knew a green light when he heard one. Tired as they were, Ty had a feeling that both of them needed this, to some extent. They’d been together all day, but now they needed to be together. Reconnect in a way that was the polar opposite of the violence they’d done to each other. Ty’s arm tightened around his boyfriend as he gingerly deepened the kiss, trying to watch out for the split spot on Jared’s bottom lip.
There were aches and little jolts of pain here and there but they were all easy to ignore. The most noticeable pain was fading and that was the emotional damage that day had done, everything else just blanched in comparison. It was enough for a while, just kissing. It was a little clumsy and not as heated as usual but it felt good anyway, like it was forgiveness beyond words. "Tell me what you want," Jared whispered against his lips at some point, smoothing his hand down over Ty's naked hip.
Even though it was late, Ty didn’t feel in any rush. He didn’t feel like this should be rushed. Sex couldn’t quite balance out the day, but if they did it right they could at least get closer to good again. Ty moved his hand to Jared’s shoulder to gently push him over onto his back, rolling with him and sliding one leg over his hips. He settled in on his knees and bent down to kiss Jared again. “I want you inside me,” he whispered back, rocking against him a little.
"You sure?" Jared whispered though it was more awed than doubtful and Ty's words seemed to go straight to his cock. He couldn't keep from touching him, running his hands slowly over his back and ass as he snuck another kiss on his lips. This definitely felt right, this was worth the lack of sleep and it felt like more than just sex, like it was something necessary.
Ty kind of felt like he’d never been more sure of a thing. Even if they woke up to the sun shining and no one in a homicidal rage and everything normal again, the two of them needed this. Sometimes bodies communicated better than words did, and Ty had the feeling that when it came to reassurances of trust, Show was better than Tell in this case. He hummed an affirmative, yes he was sure, and kissed Jared some more, adjusting his hips as his own cock started to swell so they were nestled against one another.
It was already intimate in a way that made Jared feel warmer inside and more relaxed than he had just minutes before and he kissed Ty back softly, still all too aware that a wrong move could really put a damper on things. It wasn't a bad idea to let Ty take lead but Jared still felt in some ways like he should be the one putting in the work and letting Ty relax more. He'd made it pretty clear by now that all Ty had to do was ask so he had to trust that he would if he wanted something different and for now this was kind of perfect. His own cock felt fuller and it was so damn good feeling Ty's cock against it that he couldn't help but push his hips up a little to rub them together.
The prospect of doing most of the work didn’t bother Ty in the least. He had a good excuse to be lazy, considering his injuries, but Jared was banged up too, and there was something about being on top that appealed to Ty tonight. The control of it. He wanted to be the one pacing them, at least to start out with. It seemed like it was going to be a soft and easy round anyway, and that felt perfect too. Shifting his weight a bit, Ty slid his hand down the side of Jared’s neck, stroking his thumb against the line of his jaw before tracing his collarbone. He started slowly rocking his pelvis, both for the pressure and to get more of that delightful bit of friction between them.
If this ended up doing the only thing they did Jared would be fine with that. He'd have to finish off with his hand for sure but for now that gentle friction felt perfect. He definitely didn't need anything rough or energetic tonight, slow and gentle was the way to go. He still felt almost high from what Ty had told him about falling for him, it just made everything feel more fragile in a way and it wasn't necessarily a bad thing. For now he moved with Ty, just a small roll of his hips that he wasn't really thinking about, it was just hard to stay still when Ty kept coaxing out his arousal.
Tired as he was, Ty wasn’t going to be satisfied with anything short of what he knew he wanted. Which was to stare down into his boyfriend’s eyes while he rode his cock long enough to make them both come. Ty shortened the kisses as his breathing started to get heavier. Breathing through his nose was still near-impossible, especially bent over like he was, so he unfortunately needed his mouth for more than tasting Jared. He made up for it by kissing his jaw and upper neck, leaving tiny wet spots to breathe on. The restrained movements under him turned Ty on even more, and his movements gained a bit more purpose, warmth spreading through him. It was getting easier to forget everything but this now, it was nice.
Jared's skin felt nice and tingly wherever Ty's lips touched him and he wrapped his arms around him gently but firmly and ducked his head to nuzzle Ty's neck. It was moments like these he really felt like there needed to be a word that perfectly captured what he was feeling, not as flammable as Love but far more powerful than Like because he was dying to whisper it in Ty's ear, to let him know how strong that feeling in his chest felt. With no good word to go to it just seemed like a bad idea so he kept his mouth busy, ignoring the slight burning where Ty had punched him because it really didn't matter.
Who needed words, really? They at least seemed unnecessary at a moment like this, when they were bared to one another and about to be as close as two people could be. More and more with Jared, Ty was feeling a deeper connection in moments like this, something that went beyond the physical one ... not like he could read Jared’s mind, but like emotions were flowing freely between them. It was an incredible feeling for someone who’d spent most of his life all walled up. Something foundational in him was shifting, and Ty couldn’t get enough of it. Once they were both hard enough to ache, Ty pulled away to lean and reach for the bottle of lube on the nightstand. Sitting up some, he got a small pool in his hand and reached behind himself to stroke Jared’s cock with it, getting him nicely slick and enjoying watching his face as he did so.
He didn't really need to read Jared's mind to know it was mutual, Jared's face was an open book to him - something that made keeping their relationship secret pretty damn hard for him. He licked his lips as he stared up at Ty, that deep sense of longing pooled in his chest. Aside from being something he really wanted to do, it also felt necessary in a way. They knew on logical levels what had happened wasn't their fault but this was akin to reminding their bodies - their lizard brains even - in a way that words couldn't fully do justice. "Let me get you ready?" he whispered, tightening his grip a bit on Ty's hips and pulling him forward - not enough to physically move him but enough to let it known that was what he wanted.
A faint smile quirked Ty’s lips upward. He could’ve done it himself, just a bit of fingering before he eased Jared’s cock in, but it was always nicer for somebody else to do something for you when it came to sex. “Need me to move or anything?” he murmured, even as he shuffled his knees forward. He ended up straddling Jared’s ribs, putting himself in easy enough reach, hopefully. Ty didn’t really want to switch positions; something in him wanted to have the control, to do this for both of them, like some kind of bodily forgiveness.
"Nah this is good," Jared murmured as he took the lube from Ty and got his own fingers slicked up. He preferred Ty on top too right now, not really wanting to be aggressive in any way tonight. This way Ty could control everything and he didn't have to worry about hurting him further. It was easy enough to reach around and he gingerly stroked Ty's ass, watching his face intently for any sign of discomfort as he slipped a finger inside of him. "You know," he murmured. "If you ever want to switch it up, I'm open to it..." It felt important that Ty knew that, that he didn't see their relationship as some kind of weird 'straight guy gets to fuck gay guy but no way he'd ever bottom for him' thing. He didn't even know if Ty was into that but it still felt good to put it out there and make sure he knew it.