Finn Haynes (![]() ![]() @ 2017-12-18 17:55:00 |
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Entry tags: | #september 2017 |
Who: Darren and Fin
What: Hospital Visit
When: Saturday, Sept. 23rd - early afternoon.
Warnings: Language, mentions of attempted suicide
Status: Complete
Hospitals are never a fun place, especially when it was more than just a quick visit to the ER or visiting someone, staying overnight got boring really quick. It was now pushing thirty hours since the EMT had brought Fin in but he had spent pretty much all of that morning still out of it, slipping in and out of unconsciousness as he recovered from hypothermia but now about twenty four hours since he awoke and that time was seeming to drag. They told him he would be there until Monday to make sure there wasn’t any more water in his lungs or any other complications and for one last lot of tests before they would release him, so he was pretty much stuck there.
Fin had four visitors primarily - Madison and Brad mainly, James had dropped by the day before and earlier that day and his mother had dropped in twice while she was on shift, plus some medical and emergency people who dropped in to check on him to make sure he was alright. God he was bored, books and the odd person only did so much to keep him sane. He didn’t know who knew he was in hospital (other than a couple of friends and his employees) and who didn’t or if there was anyone that knew the real reason why he was in hospital (other than Madison). Someone had pulled him from the water and called 911, he would find out who it was that found him sooner or later, he still didn’t know if he should thank them or not, or who else in the town knew but it wouldn’t be long until the rumors started (if they hadn’t already started) especially when he wasn’t at work on Friday.
Sitting in his hospital bed Fin worked his way through some Sudoku puzzle book that was packed in an overnight bag, he couldn’t have his cell phone turned on in the hospital, although it was in his bag and he did go outside every few hours, just to check that everything was going okay at the store, he did not even know if someone had informed Darren or what he was even going to say to the man when he saw him, they hadn’t exactly parted on good terms.
Darren had no regrets even now. He had a stake in the fight and still truly believed that any part in that bore no fault of his. He couldn’t control how people took things, their reactions to stuff. But he did feel bad that Fin had gotten hurt because of the way their night had ended.
When Brad had called, Daws had promised to get dressed and head to the hospital. That was exactly what the did and after a bit of asking around he was directed to the correct floor and room. He didn’t brace himself, honesty he didn’t care. His emotions were running high, too high to consider the fact that Fin might not be happy to see him.
If that was the case he’d leave without protest. Or, at least he’d go sit in the waiting room until the situation de-escalated.
A soft knock and Darren peered through the open door at the blonde in the bed. “Hey,” he called, soft and cautious.
He looked up from his puzzle book when there was a soft knock at the door, while he was glad to see Darren he was still on edge due to the events of the evening before. Sitting up straight in the bed Fin took a deep breath. “I thought you were done with me.” He said softly, he had replayed the last words over and over again for hours now. Still he indicated for Darren to come in anyway, talking couldn’t hurt, could it? Putting the book and pen onto the stand beside the bed and say crossed legged with his hands in his lap as Darren walked into the room.
“How could I be?” He inquired patiently, lingering in the doorway. Darren fixed those sharp blue eyes on the man in the hospital bed and straightened his shoulders a touch.
When the invitation to approach came Darren didn’t hesitate. He crossed the room and walked easily to the bedside, pausing once he’d reached his destination. “How’re you feeling?” Genuine concern touched his features, his shoulders felt heavy with it.
“You said to me we were done just before you walked out the door. I thought that was pretty clear.” Fin said as Darren walked into the room and stood nearby, he didn’t really know what to say or what to do, this wasn’t just some little tiff, he had told Darren not to leave and to try and talk it through but the man just laughed at him before walking out the door. “Well… I’m still alive.” He said flatly, not knowing what information the other man knew, if he was told it was an accident or done on purpose.
“With the situation, Fin, not with you. After all we’ve been through did you think I’d give you up just like that?” People also tended to say things when they were upset, do things they wouldn’t normally do. The situation had no resolution last night, there would’ve been no way for him to win and instead of allowing it escalate in front of Brad he’d walked out to try to get a better reign on it.
And now they both were here.
“I’m glad you’re alive. Brad told me what happened.” He didn’t try to mask the sadness that was present. His heart felt heavy.
“Well how as I supposed to know that? You weren’t exactly clear about it.” Fin crossed his arms and sat back against the upright of the bed he was sitting in. That was the problem with words, the meanings were sometimes not that clear. “What have we been through? You say you love me and that you care about me but really, what do you know about me? It’s not like we actually sit there and talk.”
He had spent most of the past day thinking about what exactly the relationship between the two of them, it was true that they rarely just talked, words gave way to actions and those actions always ended in sex, except for like once, maybe twice. The Sunday before was about as close as they got to ‘just talking’.
“Did he now? What did he say?” He had expected Brad to be the one to tell Darren, except he had no idea about their conversation so he had no idea what the brunette knew.
“Well, considering the circumstances prior to the fight I’d reckon that it would’ve been obvious. Guess I was wrong about that. You know how passionate I was when we were up against your Ma, I felt like what I said and did didn’t even matter to you. You’re going to do what you want, I can’t and won’t control that, but next time...please don’t let me fight for you about something that won’t matter. You’re worth the fight but not if there isn't any winning. I’m a Dawson, I hate to lose.”
That next part stung although it was true. “I do, and that isn’t one-sided. Plus, we do talk. You know more about me than probably anyone else in town, how's that for not talking?” This was giving him a headache.
Darren was not a nice person. He wasn’t raised that way. He did nice things because he cared but overall he was looking out for himself and nobody else.
“That you were upset, drank yourself half to death, and decided to go swimming in the ocean.”
“Last time I had someone talk to me like that and they walked out the door, I never saw them again.” Fin said honestly, that night was confusing and he wasn’t sure what was about the stupid auction and what was about them so had taken everything to heart as he always did. “When did I ever ask you to fight for me? I’m not a fucking child Darren, I can fight my own battles, I’ve lived for over thirty three years without you, fought hundreds of battles before you showed up. What makes you think you’re so special that all of a sudden I need help? You were right, you are spoilt and know nothing about other people, even the best fighter doesn’t always win.”
He knew how cold that sounded but it was true, as much as he loved Darren the man was used to living life his way, using people and dumping them when they were no longer needed, what made Fin different from any of those people? He wasn’t, one day Darren would get sick of him and discard him like how many dozen or maybe even hundreds of lovers before. “We fuck more than we talk, what kind of friendship do we have when we can’t even sit down for a simple meal without ending up in bed? Something has to give - either we keep fucking or we don’t and try to build some form of a real friendship between us. It can’t be both.”
As the words met him Darren felt the coldness he thought he’d lost begin to creep back in. His eyes narrowed and his jaw set. You’d think the heat of fury would melt the coldness of distance but it only served to strengthen it.
“You know what, fine. I won’t stand up for you anymore since that’s not what you want. It’s pretty clear that you make your own decisions regarding your life and fuck me for ever wanting to be a part of it. Used to, back in the day, people fought for each other not because they wanted to control them, but because they wanted to support them. But God forbid I step up and try to fit into some part of your life. Now I know exactly where I stand and I have no say about it, which is great. No, it’s wonderful.” He was trying not to snap but it was hard. He was trying to hide the hurt and because of that his anger was flaring up.
“Your right. I’m spoiled. I’m not special, I never have been and why should I be to someone like you?” And then Darren offered a cold smile, “It takes two people, or three, to end up in bed instead of eat. You have the power to say no anytime you want. From what I’m getting based on what you’re laying down is that you don’t want my input in reference to your life. So I’m gonna let you decide what you want from me when you want it. I’m not gonna step in, not gonna call or text or find time for you until you’re ready. It’s not that I don’t want to be your friend, Fin, I do, but I’m at my wits end trying to make sense of you. We have an argument, I get pissed when it isn’t even my fault and yet I’m to blame for all of this. For the fact that you feel like we are too physical. I really just don’t get it.”
He took a step back, “When you decide what you want I’ll be outside in the waiting room.”
Then he turned and left.
“Yeah I’ve made decisions about my life, sometimes some really big ones and why? Because no one else is going to make them for me, I want you to be past of my life but there has to be conditions.” Fin sighed, he could see how annoyed and angry Darren was, before he could say anything more Darren had turned and left.
After sitting for ten or fifteen minutes alone, thinking, Fin finally got up and walked to the waiting room where he saw Darren sitting. “I want to talk, alone.”
He turned and returned to his room, waiting to see if Darren would follow or not.
As promised, Darren had made his way to the waiting area. He sat down hard in one of the seats, arms crossed over his chest and his jaw set. He was not happy in the slightest and his mind was rolling over why he was still wasting his time sitting there.
When Fin came in Darren glanced over at him. What good more talking would do he wasn’t sure and so with an eyeroll he got up, uncrossed his arms and about stomped down the hallway to Fin’s room.
Not bothering to knock he entered the room and moved to the bedside expectantly.
Leaning against the side of the bed Fin watched as Darren entered the room and stood near the bed. Taking a deep breath he let it out in a sigh. “First of all, it wasn’t an accident. I went down there with a plan and didn’t expect to be sitting here now. I watched you storm out the door, pissed off at me and I did not know if you’d ever be coming back, I was annoyed and I punched the wall, then I got a call… I found out that someone I love, someone I’ll always care about has disappeared. I was heartbroken and wanted that pain to stop so I got drunk and went down to the harbour but things didn’t go to plan and I ended up here instead of the morgue.” Fin looked down at his hands. “I thought I had lost two men that I care about in one night, I didn’t know what to do.”
But that was all history and probably not what Darren wanted to know. “I can’t say no to you Darren. I fell hard and I fell fast, I’d let you do anything to me because I don’t know how to refuse you. There’s something there between us, that spark that instantly turns into a wildfire and we don’t try to stop it, I don’t want to stop it because I like it, I like you but I can’t keep going like this. I want to have you in my life Darren but we have to stop the physical, stop the sex, maybe without it, without that temptation hovering over us, we can build something strong between us. I don’t want to lose you but we need something more stable as our foundations. I am willing to start over, build whatever this relationship between us is on more than just ‘friends with benefits’. But if that’s not what you want I understand, I just needed to get it out.”
Darren figured there was more to the story than an accident. It broke his heart that Fin had gone to the ocean with the intent to kill himself; Darren knew what that was like, he’d tried it himself a while back and the realization that he couldn’t control his destiny had set in. He could still remember the coolness of that barrel pressed against his temple and the acidic taste of the whiskey.
“You think Danny going missing affects only you?” He asked quietly, expression softening some. They could deal with that later.
“Look, I never wanted to hurt you that badly. I don’t want to hurt you at all. No matter what you think about me, spoiled or not, I care about you. I do. If I didn’t I wouldn’t be standing here right now trying to work on this. Especially not after what you just said to me.” He sighed hard trying not to let his anger overcome his words.
Fin had cut his heart out and he hadn’t even offered so much as an apology. Darren knew he could’ve walked away and been entirely finished with that but he didn’t want to lose Fin. Not after fighting hard to get him back.
“I’ll do whatever you want, you know that. If you want to hang out and talk then that’s fine. I’d do that for you. But I’d like to feel appreciated once in a while. Is that too much to ask?”
He bowed his head as he listened to Darren’s words. “I am an ass, I ruin lives and fuck things up, I don’t know why I do it but it keeps happening. I’m sorry that you had to get involved with me and that my fuck ups are why we’re having this conversation.”
Fin was surprised that Darren had decided to stay, to listen to him, he didn’t deserve that especially after the way he had talked earlier.
“No it’s not. I appreciate you Darren, I just suck at showing it. It took me months to open up to Dan, you and I… it’s all gone so fast.”
“I’m not going to sugar coat that and tell you you’re not an ass, you definitely are, but I am too. I guess that’s just what makes us who we are,” he sighed, still not entirely satisfied. He was starting to cool down but the adrenaline was still flowing from being upset.
Tilting his head some, Darren considered the next part of what Fin was saying, “You think I’m any better at this stuff? I have a hard time with it. Maybe that’s why I move fast, being physical is less complicated. Emotions...that kind of stuff is hard. I know I’m not the best person to communicate with but I’ve come a long way since being in Dallas. I promise I don’t let my money influence any decisions personally. I’m not as spoiled as you think, and to be honest I think I’m doing a hell of a job being regular.” He couldn’t help that he was blessed with good looks and a rocking body.
“If you wanna talk when we’re together, I’ll do it. I’m sorry that I got upset at you about the auction, it’s a stupid thing to be pissed about and I don’t want to drive you away.”
“Maybe that’s why we clicked so quickly, why there was that attraction when we first met. We’re both so completely hopeless.” He offered a small smile, his first sign of any amusement. “You have come a long way, even since I’ve known you. Going from everything to nothing, moving to a place half-way across the country to start a-new, I know it wasn’t the easiest thing in the world, I can’t imagine how it felt to leave it all behind.”
Fin sighed. “If only I had lied and made my mother think you were my boyfriend none of this would’ve happened,” Of course hindsight was a wonderful thing. “But no more stupid fucking auctions, no more charity shit, she’s my mother and I love her but it’ll take a hell of a lot for me to forgive her for all of this.” He looked up at Darren. “But will you forgive me for being so stupid?”
“Maybe,” Darren breathed unable to help but smile a little at Fin. “I remember the first time I saw you. Damn you were beautiful. You still are.” And then Darren shrugged. “Missed opportunity. Hopefully we won’t have to be in that situation again but if it comes I’d still fight for you.”
And then Darren nodded, “I'll forgive you if you promise not to try to kill yourself again. I’m not worth it, trust me. I’m honored, don’t get me wrong, but I am not worth drowning for. Let’s talk it out, even if I walk out just let me go. I’ll find my way back, even if I’m on my knees begging for you to take me back.”
Fin’s smile grew a bit more and he held a hand out in Darren’s direction. He didn’t see what Darren saw in him, he wasn’t as beautiful as Darren said, he was just normal, no male model or anything like that. “I can’t promise that I won’t do anything stupid ever again, but I won’t do something that stupid, I won’t let myself get that drunk and fall into that mindframe, I don’t think I’m even going to go near alcohol again for quite a long time.”
“As much as it hurts I’ll let you go, just as long as it’s not forever.”
“I can’t make promises, I can’t see the future, but no matter what happens I can guarantee you won’t lose me. It’ll take more than you being an asshole to drive me away.” He reached out, taking Fin’s hand. Darren squeezed the appendage, glad everything was beginning to get better.
Fin squeezed Darren’s hand back, slowly pulling the other man towards him. “No one can see everything in their future, even if they try. I don’t want to lose you either, but if I am an asshole again tell me, kick my ass back into line before I do something you can’t forgive.”
Pushing himself up from where he was leaning against the side of the bed, Fin turned a bit, Darren’s hand still in his. “It’s not raining anymore, let’s go outside for a bit. I really need some fresh air and I’m sick of these four walls.”