Finn Haynes (finnigan_h) wrote in shadows_rpg, @ 2017-12-18 17:41:00 |
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Entry tags: | #september 2017 |
Who: Fin and James
What: Visiting Hours
When: Friday, Sept. 22nd - afternoon.
Status: Complete.
Fin was the only thought in James’s mind. He wasn’t thinking about Ian, about the spectacular week away he’d just had, the disappointment of returning to Point Pleasant, the preparations for his weekend services. All of it was chased away by the call he’d received Friday afternoon. Fin Haynes was in the hospital. He couldn’t get much more information than that, other than it had been a near drowning. James had called for an Uber right away and was at the hospital a short while later. He was dressed for work, with the addition of a name tag identifying him as clergy and giving him easy access to patients and information. He checked in at the nurses station, finding out what room he was in and his current condition. He was glad to hear a nurse had just been tending to him and he’d been awake, though he was told that he might not be for much longer.
James followed the hallway until he got to Fin’s room. He stood in the doorway for a moment, not seeing any visitors inside. He said a quick prayer for Fin and for himself, then stepped in. James tried not to let his heart sink, tried not to show a reaction upon seeing Fin laid up there. Though he didn’t know him well, he’d felt good about the friendship he’d struck up with him. The thought of anything bad happening to him was a very troubling one.
“Fin”, James said softly to get his attention as he walked over to his bedside.
In between an array of medical staff stopping by his room to check up on him and his old friend Madison coming in and telling him off it had being a busy few hours since he had woken up in the hospital. Thoughts were still running through his head, had he really wanted to end it all or was that the alcohol? Whatever it was Fin was still alive and maybe this would be a turning point in his life.
Sick of sleeping Fin was sitting up in bed, well the back of the bed was raised into a nearly upright position so he was kind of sitting. The small Reader's Digest in his hands kept his mind off things and the short stories let him escaping from the confines of the room, if only mentally.
Hearing the footsteps and then a soft voice say his name Fin looked up from his magazine to see James walking towards him. “Father James.” He said, he hated using the term ‘Father’ but this was a semi public place, better show some manners and respect. Nodding towards one of the chairs placed by his bed Fin indicated for James to take a seat. “This isn't an official visit, is it?” He asked softly, knowing that clergy regularly visited patients and right now Fin didn't really need someone telling him about religion and the like.
James didn’t much care for the ‘Father’ title himself, thinking it weird, especially from the mouth of someone who’d bedded him just a week ago. He would usually keep his dislike of it to himself, but this was Fin. James felt safe showing him his real feelings about it as he made a face in reaction.
“I received an official call”, James told him. “But I’m here as your friend. The badge just lets me do what I want, no fun having it if I don’t abuse it sometimes.” He gave Fin a smile.
He would do his best to stick to the friend role, though he did wonder what happened. He supposed that just by talking to him, he’d at least get a sense of that. “Are you okay?”
Fin knew that James didn't like getting called by his official title so the reaction was expected, the word sounded so strange leaving his lips considering what they had done the week before but he said it anyway.
Fin breathed a soft sigh of relief when James said he was there unofficially, even though he had abused the badge and collar to get Fin's room number. “I'm sure you'll go confess your abuse of power to yourself when you get back to the church.” There was even a hint of a smile on Fin's face, he really needed some non serious conversion.
“I'll live. Body temperature is almost back to normal but looks like I'll be stuck here for the weekend, observation and all that.” Fin didn't know what James had being told and didn't really feel comfortable at that moment to share the extent or reason he was here.
“Oh, yes”, he said quietly with a smirk. “I’ll do my penance, say some Hail Mary’s.” James couldn’t help feeling a little worried again when Fin mentioned his body temperature. He couldn’t imagine what Fin had been through physically, or maybe more importantly, why.
James reached for Fin’s hand, taking one in both of his. His own hands felt considerably warmer by comparison, which was to be expected. He gave it a reassuring squeeze. “Well, I’m very glad for that”, James told him. “I’m sure there are many people worried about you right now, relieved that you’re okay. No fun being stuck here…”, he understood. “Is there anything I could bring you?”
Seeing James smirk lightened Fin's mood a bit more. He was feeling better, be it physically, mentally he was still all over the place but just having someone visiting who wasn't yelling at him or asking ‘why?’ as soon as they saw him was nice.
Fin let James take his hand, grateful for the contact and tried to squeeze back the best he could. “I think I've got most things, a friend's breaking into my apartment to get me some clothes and better reading material.” He waved the small magazine that was in his other hand. He wasn't sure there were many people worried about him - excluding his employees there was about three, four including James.
He sighed. “I shouldn't have touched that bottle… I know what it does to me but I thought it might help. It didn't, just like it never has before.” Fin closed his eyes. “Why couldn't I be a happy drunk instead of a self destructive one?” The question wasn't really aimed at James, just Fin talking out loud. “I just wanted to get away from it but everything came back as soon as I woke up. The pain, the ache, the stupidness of everything I do. It never goes away.”
James gave a small smile at the mention of someone bringing him things. He was glad for it, that Fin did have other supports too. He was sure his own help in that area would have been less appreciated. The best he could do right away was giving him a Bible or Daily Bread to read.
He hadn’t been sure if the conversation would move past the superficial at all, but then Fin mentioned having been drinking and the effect it had on him. It was a surprise to James and the words effected him deeply, on account of his mother having been that way and having ended her life when he was just a teen. “Oh, Fin”, he sighed. Able to see that Fin was beating himself up badly enough already, James left it at that. “I’m glad you’re okay”, he told him. Maybe Fin wasn’t exactly okay, but he was alive. “If you ever need anyone to talk to…” He already had a feeling Fin might not be up for that. “Or not talk to. Just to be around. Or whatever you need. I’m here, Fin.”
Just James being there was helping more than the priest realized, someone who didn't lay judgement down on Fin or treat him like he had done this for any other reason than to hurt himself.
It might be a bit weird telling James all the deep, dark things he was hiding - priest or not they knew each other intimately and talking about other lovers and ex boyfriends was something that might get embarrassing, though Fin was sure James heard a lot worse things from parishioners. He really did appreciate the offer. Opening his eyes he looked at the priest standing next to him. “Thank you, really. You haven't come in here yelling at me or demanding to know why I…” He sighed. “Why I did something so stupid. When I get out of here they'll want me to have company, people checking up on me to make sure I don't slip.” Though Fin doubted he'd get back into that mind frame. “Do you think I might be able to come around? Even if it's helping out with mundane things, I can't be at work all the time and if I'm not busy I think too much.” He'd scrub headstones or put sermons in bibles, anything for a bit of company and something to keep him busy so he'd stop thinking.
“Yeah, definitely”, James told him, surprised that he would ask. He knew that Fin liked him, but he seemed ambivalent at best about the church. A suggestion like this seemed like progress.
“There are always things to be done. Or you can even come by to share some coffee with me.” This was said innocently, James probably didn’t even realize that coffee was a euphemism for some people for something else. “There’s a meeting Thursday nights at the church”, he offered, sure that Fin probably remembered that. “I sat in the first week I was here, it’s not a big deal. I think the one guy comes every week just for the free coffee and snacks.”
Fin did have mixed feelings about church and religion, especially after taking Danny to meet his paternal grandparents, who as it turned out were less than thrilled that their grandson wasn't exactly straight and wanted him to change his ‘wicked ways’. But James and the church were kind of a package deal, if spending time with James meant he had to put his own views aside, so be it. He wanted to build a friendship, a relationship that wasn't just about sex because the last one wasn't working out all that well. He wanted to know the man James had grown to become in the past fifteen years.
“Coffee sounds good.” Sex was the last thing on Fin's mind at the moment so an offer for coffee was just that - coffee. “And I might come around on Thursday. I won't go making promises that I'll show up but I will try.” He knew what the group was and he hoped that it was anonymous as the name stated, there were probably already rumors starting up about him and didn’t really need another. “The company is more important than the setting.” He smiled again, although it was still a bit fake because he wasn't in an overly happy mood, despite the nice company at present and the hands holding onto his.
“That’s fine”, James said about the meetings. He knew that most people were reluctant to go at first. He also knew that people in all different situations went, some who’d been alcoholics for years, some who’d overdone it once and given themselves a scare, but he didn’t mention all that, didn’t want to oversell it and turn Fin off.
“Are you sure there’s nothing I could bring you?” He imagined that the prospect of a weekend in the hospital was not a fun one for Fin. He’d already said someone was bringing him some things and was glad for that. “Give me an excuse to stop by again. Not that I need one.”
The prospect of going to a meeting was a daunting one, as was talking to anyone about his mental health or state of mind, he was still waiting to see if a mental health worker would visit as was common after surviving a suicide attempt. As much as Fin didn't want to think about it or believe it that was what it was, he hadn't gone into that water by accident but how he actually survived was a mystery, he was so drunk he should've drowned.
Hearing James say to find an excuse for him to come back and visit made Fin's stomach flip a bit, it was such a sweet and kind thought and something he didn't deserve, still he was thinking about something, anything that he wanted so James would come back but his mind drew a blank. “Can you drop by anyway? Even if you use your persuasive powers to just come and chat, I really would like the company.” There was a pause. “Maybe bring some coffee that isn't this instant crap they use here. Not today, I'm only allowed water for the moment but anytime over the weekend if you've got time, I don't want to get in the way of your official duties.”
“Of course I can”, James told him with a smile. If it would help to lift Fin’s spirits, then he would do it. He wanted to anyway, he liked the idea of getting to connect with Fin on a personal level. Sure, they’d had sex, but there was more to connecting to another person than just that. And James did want to know him better, and was wanting Fin to know him better too.
“I can definitely bring some coffee, that sounds great. And I could talk your ear off too if you’d really like”, he teased. “If you want stories you might actually want to hear though… think up some questions for me. Anything you want to know.”
Other than this moment the only times they had talked had being while they were flirting or getting physical, he really did like the idea of just sitting and talking, finding out what made James chose the life he was living now. Building a decent friendship was important to Fin.
“You got to leave the area, the state, you've already seen more of the world than I have.” Sometimes Fin wished he had travelled more, he had gone to Niagara Falls with Danny all those years ago but that and the odd trip up into Canada was the extent of his travels. “By then I should be allowed out of bed and we can go outside and sit in the gardens if it's not raining. I'll go stir crazy if they make me stay in this room all weekend!”
“Places I’ve been… I could do that. I haven’t travelled far and wide”, he told him, though that was a measure that could vary greatly from person to person. He had indeed lived out of state, even out of the country at a few different times, though his travels had been ministry-related and not sightseeing tours. “But I have seen some things.”
“That’s a nice idea”, James agreed. “Hopefully the weather’ll stay cleared up for a while. And even if it doesn’t, you’ll have company. Is anybody else coming back out?”, he wondered. It was another thing he didn’t know about Fin, he really had no idea who he had in his life. Maybe they’d be other names and faces that might dredge up a memory or two from his childhood.
Ministry related or not, James's stories would be more interesting than his own of a few years in college followed by life in Point Pleasant, plus he had no idea what the process was that James had gone through to become a priest, even though he wasn't religious it'd still be interesting to know. “I'd like to hear them, your tales of the seminary and life as a priest.” Anything that didn't revolve around him.
“Got two friends coming back today, one with some clothes and the other is smuggling me in some decent dinner so I don't have to eat too much hospital food.” Fin didn't want to say he felt like he was a burden, even though his friends had volunteered to do these things it still made Fin feel guilty. “I don't know who else knows, or who I want to know. Rumors spread so fast in a small town.” His employees knew he was 'unwell' but didn't know why, he didn't want to burden them with that knowledge.
Again, James was pleasantly surprised by what Fin said. “It’s not all as boring as people tend to think”, he promised. “On the other hand, if you do want to sleep, I could tell those kind of stories too. I’ll put you right out”, he teased.
James was glad to hear that Fin had a couple of people looking after him. He supposed it didn’t matter who they were. Maybe there was a reason for discretion, maybe, James realized, he had another friend with benefits or two. None of his business, he firmly decided to himself.
James was effected by what Fin said about rumors, his countenance turning sad. His own past, his own family, immediately came to mind. He’d never forget how several of the townspeople, neighbors and acquaintances even, had kept the gossip mill churning with speculation about what happened and why. He gave Fin’s hand a comforting squeeze. “I won’t say a thing, of course. I know about having personal matters be the talk of the town. We should all be better than that.”
Fin smiled, a genuine, happy smile when James said he'd tell the boring stories if he wanted to sleep. “Have you always had this dry wit?” He asked, not sure if the sense of humor was something James always had or was something picked up later in life.
Fin never shared the names of his lovers to anyone, unless talking to Ferdinand - his tortoise counted. Not that his pet seemed to care, more worried about food and walking around his enclosure. He didn't think James knew Madison but James would know Brad but he had promised not to tell others, let Brad surprise his old school mates in his own time.
Gossip and rumors were part of small town life but it still hurt those who were at the source, he did remember how even the students started whispers about things in James's life, not that Fin paid any attention to them and if he did happen to sit near James at lunch he never said anything other than asking how classes were going and did he need at help, having done it all the year before. “We should know better, but humans are human, we can't stop them believing what they want to.”
He put his free hand on top of James's, returning the squeeze and just enjoying the contact, it reminded him of Danny, how they'd just sit for ages holding hands or just having fingers touching one another. He had picked up the need for that contact over the years but now, now he'd never hold Danny's hand again or just curl up together watching TV. Fin felt the tears start forming in his eyes and squeezed his eyes shut to try to stop them from falling.
“I kept a lot of things to myself for a real long time”, James admitted, and that did include his humor. “But that’s no way to live a life. Life is meant to be shared, the fun bits, yeah, but the sad ones too.” He’d found healing over the years through sharing his pains.
James noticed Fin’s eyes shut, the hint of moisture there. He gave his hand another squeeze, moving one of his hands to rest on Fin’s shoulder. “I don’t know what it is, Fin. You can tell me, but if you can’t, that’s okay too. Just know I’m here for you.”
Fin knew he didn't have as many sad times in his life as James had, that the priest had more pain and suffering in his life than anyone deserved and that was all while he was still at school, Fin knew that James's words were true and came from experience.
“How do you do it? How did you even get out of bed and put one foot in front of the other when the future looked so bad, when they said they couldn't do anything and to wait? “ Fin knew he was blabbering, throwing questions at James. He also knew that the disappearance of James’s sister and Danny were in no way connected but he didn't know who else he could talk to, who else would understand what it's like for a loved one to simply vanish.
Taking a deep breath Fin composed himself the best he could. “Dan… my ex… my first love… has disappeared. No one knows anything, they'll say it's early days and that he might just have gone away for a break.” Fin looked up at James who was standing beside him. “I know Danny, he'd never do that, he fought so hard for his sister, he wouldn't abandon her, he'd fight til his last breath for her.” He swallowed the lump in his throat. “I feel useless, I heard the news and what did I go and do? I got so drunk I could barely stand and hoped something would take me away, take away all the pain… but it didn't because here I am.”
James listened to the questions, a little surprised by them. It definitely reminded James of the darkest parts of his past, again wondering just what it was that Fin was going through. Bad things did tend to happen in Point Pleasant, had something happened that had effected Fin so greatly?
He had his answer a moment later as Fin told about his ex, his first love, now gone. “Fin…”, he said, shocked. “I’m so sorry.” He did know that pain and it was a pain that he wouldn’t wish on anyone. “For a long time, I just… went through the motions. Closed myself off. Pushed people away. I did it to protect myself, but I don’t know if it actually helped or not. Eventually, I didn’t want that kind of a sad, hopeless existence for myself anymore. But it took a while. And everyone deals with things differently. But you don’t have to go it alone if you don’t want.”
Fin wasn’t sure if he was saying this to James - the friend, James - the priest or James - the survivor, it didn’t really matter to be honest, it kind of felt good to just get it out, to tell someone what was going on in his head and to be listened to without judgement. Fin knew that James wouldn’t tell anyone and of all the people he knew no one was more qualified in this field.
“My friends… they don’t understand, they don’t know I still love him despite the fact we haven’t being a couple for the best part of six years, that some part of me will always love him. I just hope he knows it, or knew it, that there are people out there who love him and miss him.” A few small tears rolled down Fin’s cheeks as he talked. “That’s why I need things to do when I get out of here, I can’t sit in my apartment without thinking of him, almost everything there reminds me of him in one way or another. I don’t want to forget him but I don’t know if I can live with so many reminders around me all the time.” He wiped at his eyes. “Maybe I should move apartments… or get out of Castle View but I don’t know where I’d go, memories or not I’ve got used to living where I am. I don’t know what to do James. I don’t know what step I should take first.”
“I can’t pretend to know what that’s like”, James said honestly. He’d never really had a first love, had never had that physical or emotional intimacy with another person until he was well into his twenties. “I know, I think, that as difficult as it was on my, when… my sister disappeared… it was much worse for my mom. She… she did get lost in depression, and the drinking only made it worse. And then she was gone too.”
He was silent for a moment. “So anything to… yeah, to keep busy, but also to find hope again. And I know that’s nothing you want to hear now.” He frowned to himself. “It’s okay to not be okay”, he told him. “It is. Just don’t be afraid to show it.”
He gave Fin’s shoulder another squeeze. “I’ll shut up now”, he said, giving him a sheepish smile. “I can tell I’m starting to get preachy. Are you feeling tired yet? Should I let you be? Or I can stay awhile more.”
Hearing James's words, to hear that it was ‘okay to not be okay’ as James put it was some comfort to Fin. So many people would be saying the opposite, to always try to keep a bright outlook and don't let things get him down, but they didn't know what it was like. He could show his pain, how much the loss was affecting him and try to find that hope, something to make him feel alive again.
A hint of a smile showed through his sadness when James apologized for starting to get preachy. It was something not many would apologize for. Fin wasn't overly tired, having spent hours asleep already, well unconscious as well as asleep. “I'm going okay… but I don't want to keep you, I'm sure there's more exciting things you could be doing other than listening to me go on.” Though he did appreciate the fact that James was there and had listened, it felt good to let it out.
Putting a hand over James's where it sat on his shoulder Fin returned the gentle squeeze, knowing that even if he wanted to rest his cheek against the hand or press a kiss to it he couldn't, not when a nurse or visitor could drop in at any moment. “Thank you James, I mean it. Thank you for listening.”
“Not more exciting…”, James told with a rueful laugh, though he had just gotten back into town after several days away and did have a lot to catch up with, sermon planning, phone calls, visitations. “But I can see you’re… you’re going to be okay. And I thank God for that.” He gave Fin’s hand a squeeze before letting go and taking a step back.
“I should get back to it. But I will stop back in tomorrow”, he promised.
“Well I won't be going anywhere, you know where to find me.” Fin said, looking around his room, he was glad to have his own room and not share like in some larger hospitals, still being here wasn't the most exciting way to spend a few days but he had bought it on himself so he would suffer the consequences of his actions. “And don't forget… coffee. “