Jared Gaines (thatbigguy) wrote in shadows_rpg, @ 2017-12-04 00:17:00 |
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Entry tags: | #september 2017, carson, carson x jared, jared |
Who: Jared and Carson
When: Weds, Sept 20, evening
Where: the gym
Status: Complete
Carson was still trying to stay busy, a little more desperately as the appointment with his neurologist loomed closer. Even besides that, he was kind of avoiding Rylee. It wasn’t fair and it sucked, but he didn’t know what else to do. He still felt horrible about what had happened on Sunday, and while he hadn’t had a recurrence of those mood swings or the mirror-vision shit, he still felt ... dangerous. Like he couldn’t trust himself around her. They hadn’t talked about it yet, and Carson was dreading getting cornered into doing so.
As a result, he was hanging around the gym even after his day was supposed to be over, going back and forth between straightening some things up, and getting his own workout in. Carson knew he had to go home sometime, and that Rylee probably knew he was dodging her, but he couldn’t seem to make himself go. He was currently puttering around behind the front desk, putting some new member information into the computer. Which wasn’t even his job, but he knew how, so he was doing it.
Jared hadn't been to the gym in a few days and he was beginning to feel it, even if he'd been getting in some other exercise. It was kind of a perfect night for it, too much rain to go walking, his new boyfriend was working, there was nothing else he felt like doing so... Gym time, at last. He went home to grab his gym clothes and towels, then drove down to the Waterfront Fitness gym, hurrying inside to get out of the rain.
He knew Carson of course. He'd never had the guy as a personal trainer or anything but you didn't frequent the same gym for five years without getting to know some of the staff. Before hitting the dressing room he headed to where Carson was sitting, drumming lightly on the counter. "Durand Durand," he said jovially, grinning at how similar to the band that sounded.
Carson had been peripherally aware that someone came in, but he didn’t look up until that someone actually approached the desk. Carson smiled automatically, then a bit broader at the joke, giving a little chuckle. He liked Jared, he saw him a lot at the gym and they’d gone and had a beer once or twice, just to shoot the shit. All the cops on the force came in at least sometimes, but Carson thought he probably liked Jared the best. “Officer Gaines,” he greeted. “‘Cause it’s all about them gains.” He could make corny name jokes too. “How’s it goin’?”
Jared was ever so pleased with that joke. Mostly people just groaned at him when he got punny but Carson's little pun was just as delightfully bad. "Yeah I'm good, 'cept for the damn rain... You're still working?" he hoisted his bag up on his shoulder and leaned against the counter, glancing past Carson to the slightly busy room. Mornings were always nicest for working out around here, so many people came by after work. "They don't let you rest, huh?"
The military was full of terrible jokes and punmasters, so Carson had been around a lot of them. The banter came easy to him -- cops and soldiers had a certain kind of understanding, he’d always thought. He glanced toward the current population too, then back to Jared. “Yeah, just ... pulling a long day today. I’m off the clock, even,” he admitted a bit sheepishly. Carson shrugged a shoulder, immediately regretting saying it. He didn’t want to be asked why he was loitering.
Jared didn't ask. Loitering on the job usually meant not wanting to go home for whatever reason and he did pick up on that but he'd been lonely for a long time and dreading going home and it wasn't something he'd enjoyed talking about either. "Well if you get bored with your paperwork you can come make yourself useful and be my spotter," he said, only half joking. He could lift without assistance but having someone there meant he could really push himself and wasn't that what working out was really about? Part of it was also a thinly veiled offer of company, if Carson needed it, though he didn't expect the man to accept his offer.
It was nice of him to say, and Carson gave Jared a grateful little smile. “You got it,” he answered, giving the big cop a nod. He wasn’t sure yet if he would actually do it or not, if he could be any kind of decent company, but it was a nice offer. Maybe once he was done working out he would want to go grab a drink or something. Or maybe Carson should stop stalling and just go the fuck home. He didn’t know. “Holler if you need anything,” he added, just because.
Jared tapped the counter again and shot Carson a bright smile as he headed for the locker room to get ready. He didn't think Carson would join him but it would be a nice surprise if he did so he went through with his usual routine, starting with a run to warm up. He knew a few of the people there but thankfully they were all busy with their own workouts as he didn't really feel like doing small talk with just anybody tonight. He especially didn't feel like dealing with flirting as he was in that weird in-between place where he wasn't too sad to date but he wasn't allowed to tell everyone he was seeing someone.
Carson kept himself busy enough for another little while, helping a few customers and wiping down some more machines. Eventually he ran out of stuff to do, and the staff who were actually on the clock were starting to look at him funny. That was when he made his way over to where Jared looked like he was getting ready to do chest presses. The guy had offered company, and actively doing something for someone was better than just stalling. Besides, Jared had seemed a little different. Happier than Carson had seen him in a while. His head wasn’t too far up his ass to notice. So he ambled over and gave the other man a smile. “Still need a spot?” he asked.
"Hell yeah," Jared said as it meant he could add more weight than he would have taken otherwise. It was different when he was actually seeing someone, it made him more enthusiastic about keeping fit so tonight didn't feel as routine and mandatory as usual. Good company still helped. "How've you been?" he asked as he loaded up. It had been a while since he talked to Carson and maybe he was a little curious as to why he was hanging out at the gym this late.
One might have thought Carson would be used to lying in the face of that question. He’d dismissed it so many times with a ‘fine,’ but he didn’t like doing that with people he knew and liked. He was always preaching to his veteran buddies about how they were allowed to be Not Okay. This version of Not Okay was just so ... horrific and personal. He couldn’t tell Jared the full truth. Carson shrugged and got into position to spot for him once he was ready. “Not great,” he said. “Just ... dealing with a breakup and it was a kinda fucked up weekend. Seriously re-thinking my decision to put myself on the auction block Saturday.” He chuckled darkly, but considering what had happened Sunday, maybe it was best for him not to be alone with anyone.
Jared frowned at that and reached out to pat Carson's shoulder lightly. "Sorry to hear it," he muttered and suddenly understood that impulse to tell Carson the guy in question was an idiot. He'd heard that Sadie was an idiot enough times over the last year and it had always annoyed him but it was different on this side of things. Of course he had no idea who had done the breaking up so he kept it to himself. "But yeah, that damn auction... She got to you too, huh?" Of course she did, Veronica Kelly was a force and a half to be reckoned with. He couldn't even shield himself behind his relationship with Ty since it was a secret so he was a bachelor for now. "Hey, you never know, you might have fun."
It was a nice little stab at comfort, and Carson gave him an appreciative smile. Jared was just like that -- nice. He was also pretty hot, but as far as Carson knew he was totally straight, so he’d never tried to flirt with him or anything. He’d been cool about Carson’s enthusiasm when he and Felix had started dating though, so he obviously wasn’t a homophobe or anything. Another nice thing. Carson quirked an eyebrow and then grinned a bit more easily. “Yeah she did,” he said. “That woman’s scary. I take it you’re getting sold off too?” If Jared was doing it too, at least he would have another dude there he knew to hang around with, and that made Carson feel a tiny bit better about it.
"She is and I am," Jared said with a put upon groan before grinning again. "It's going to be awkward and weird and possibly annoying but... It's for a good cause, right?" He got down on the bench and slid under the weights, squinting up at Carson in thought. "Maybe someone hot will bid on you, double the chances, right? You're bi?” He was pretty sure Carson was bi but he couldn't remember him talking about any girl in particular so maybe he was gay. Jared had never really cared before now but after getting together with Ty... Well, they clearly had more in common than just the gym.
“All for charity,” Carson agreed as he stepped in closer behind the bench. If the auction hadn’t been for a good cause, he might’ve dropped out already. But hell, maybe Jared was right and it would be a riot, and someone stronger than him who could kick his ass if he got out of line would win him. You never knew. He chuckled and nodded at the questions. “I’m bi, yeah. I dunno if that’ll like, be on the menu or what, but I’ll take either one.” He wasn’t sure what the rules were going to be on same-sex bids, but Carson knew at least one guy who might put some money down on him. “Hopefully they’ll have an open bar in the back for us or something. yeah?”
Jared let out a little chuckle at that. "Yeah I think a little alcohol would be good, it's going to be awkward enough without it." He got to work then, doing a few reps and not trying to talk while he went through the set. It was interesting to say the least, being with a good looking guy now that he'd actually realized he was into that, but for the time being Carson didn't hold a candle to Ty. With the weights back in place he scooted back out from under them to catch his breath and relax for a minute before the next round. "Did you always know? You were bi, I mean. You don't have to answer that if it's too personal."
Carson spotted him through his set, though Jared didn’t really need the help. That was okay, he was pushing some pretty heavy weights, so better safe than sorry. His mind had wandered off in other directions, so Carson needed the clarification about what he maybe always knew. He gave a small smile that was a tiny bit surprised and shrugged a shoulder. Nobody had asked him that for a while. “Not always, I guess. It kinda sank in around middle school. I didn’t date a guy until late high school though. There were too many cute girls to go out with.” He grinned. He also hadn’t had the balls to come out until then, but that could probably be easily assumed.
Jared laughed because that sounded familiar, only he'd had girls on his lap for even longer before he noticed. Or maybe it was something that had just happened. Was it possible for a man's sexuality to change over time? Fucked if he knew, he was no PhD holder in anything, let alone gender or sexuality studies. "Bet those girls kept you busy," he said with a grin. Carson was a good looking man, it was easy to think he'd been pretty damn popular with the ladies even as early as middle school so maybe it was a small wonder he ever found out about guys.
“Busy and in trouble,” Carson said with a little laugh. He glanced up at himself in the big mirrors that lined the wall they were facing. “And you would think dudes were less drama? Not always, man.” He shook his head sadly, then laughed again and shrugged. “People are people, you know?” He almost lobbed the assumption back at Jared -- that he’d been a ladies’ man back when, and maybe still was, but Carson knew he’d been through a pretty recent divorce, so that didn’t feel right. He was a good looking man though, and big and uniformed, and Carson knew girls liked that.
"I hope not," Jared said quietly, a cheeky grin threatening to grow a little too big. So he was shit at keeping secrets, that didn't mean he had to tell anyone it was Ty. A guy I met online sounded plenty plausible in this day and age. It was just hard to keep completely quiet when he was learning new things about himself and was itching to explore them in more ways than just one. Though that one way was pretty fucking awesome so far.
Carson’s eyebrows lifted again and he couldn’t help but grin back, because that smile looked kind of meaningful. “No? You switchin’ teams, man?” It was a lightly-toned question and could’ve been a joke if the answer was a resounding No, but Carson knew Jared wouldn’t be an asshole about it, so he wasn’t too worried. But if he was reading him right ... well, that was interesting, wasn’t it? He’d heard of divorced women going lesbian before, but not so much the other way around.
"Could say I'm in-between teams," Jared said since no, he still very firmly liked women he just happened to be solely interested in one guy right now. "Kinda like a referee? Neutral party... Still invested, playing both sides? That sounds dodgy though doesn't it." There had to be a better idiom for being bisexual, he just couldn't think of it right at that moment. "You get my meaning," he chuckled, giving up on it for now.
There was, and Carson had it at the ready: “You’re a free agent!” He laughed a bit and clapped Jared on the shoulder. “Congrats on the self-discovery, dude. For real, it takes balls to uh, explore that side of yourself. No pun intended.” He was sure people had ups and downs in their sexualities throughout their lives, but Carson was of the opinion that some tendencies were always there, just buried. He already wanted to ask if Jared had a boyfriend, who it might be, how everything was going, but he knew how nosy that was.
"Thank you," Jared said, amused. "I figured you'd have a better name for it, you've been one longer and all." The one problem he just now realized about the whole thing was that now everyone was subject to potential awkwardness and he'd kind of liked having refuge from the flirting thing with guys so far. He sure as shit didn't need Carson to think he was flirting with him so while he wasn't about to out Ty to the world, mentioning 'someone' might not be a bad idea. "Yeah, I was just sailing along not even thinking about it when... I met someone. So that was a little weird." He felt shy suddenly which made no damn sense so he scooted back under the bar and tried to think about something that didn't involve Ty's smile, back, dick or anything remotely Ty-related. Damn.
Carson was in no position to be hitting on anybody at the moment, much less some poor newbie bisexual guy, so it wasn’t even on his mind yet. Sure, Jared was hot, but Carson had been admiring that from afar for quite a while, so it was easy to just keep doing that instead of adding something more into the mix. Besides, he seemed like he needed a buddy to talk to about it. Carson positioned himself to spot the guy again. “Snuck up on you, huh?” he asked with a chuckle. “Happens sometimes. That’s awesome though. Where’d you meet him?”
Jared grunted through his first rep and it gave him a little time before he answered. Lying always felt shitty, at least when it was to someone he liked. "Where does anyone meet anyone anymore," he chuckled. "Man, we're living in the future." There, that was only half a lie, sort of a lie and he focused back on the weights, huffing a breath as he lowered them to his chest. It was interesting how many guys in town were turning out to be gay or bi. Maybe it was one of those things where you didn't notice it until it affected you in some way but at this point Jared was pretty sure he could name at least five.
Carson naturally assumed Jared meant Online, which made total sense to him. He didn’t know if the guy had been just curiously browsing men on OKCupid or Tinder or something, or if someone had approached him instead, but he wasn’t going to pry if Jared didn’t want to be specific. “Dating sites, man,” he chuckled, watching Jared lift the bar and staying ready to assist if necessary. In the meantime, he could ramble while Jared focused on his breathing. “I’ve thought about getting on ‘em again, but I dunno. Living here, seems like it’s hard to find people who don’t either say you’re too far away, or you haven’t already dated, y’know? People wander in and outta this town, but ...” He shrugged and sighed. “Not that I wanna rush back into something, but it’s cuffing season right now, hard not to feel the urge.”
Jared laughed at that, or more huffed in amusement. "Gotta get you that winter honey," he murmured as he took another break to catch his breath. "God, I sound like just about everyone after the divorce... Sorry man, you take your time, lick your wounds and it'll happen when it happens... Fuck, did it again." Those pesky concerned people suddenly made sense and he felt a tiny bit guilty for being annoyed with them. "Small town dating sucks, yeah. All those rules about not dating a friend's ex and whatever, those are big city rules."
Carson gave him a lopsided grin at all of the cliche advice. He appreciated the sentiment behind it, but yeah, it could get annoying. He was sure people had been nudging Jared for quite a while now to move on after he and Sadie split up, but Carson had tried not to be one of those people. At least as far as he remembered. Sometimes he got nosy about other people’s issues, so he might have given a few nudges himself, but whatever. It was natural to want to see your friends happy, right? “Yeah, snuggle weather’s comin’,” he said. “Thanks though. I’m not gonna like ... push anything.” If he found someone, he found someone. If not ... well, considering what had happened that weekend, maybe that was for the best. Carson tried to dismiss that thought, and upnodded to Jared. “Happy for you though, man. Hope this guy doesn’t turn out to be anybody’s ex to make it weird.”
"Well, depending on who it is it could be hilarious," Jared replied, though he wasn't thinking of Ty specifically in that context. "Like if he was Sadie's ex..." That would be funny in a way he couldn't quite explain. It was certainly something that wouldn't happen except with bisexuals and that was an angle he hadn't really thought about before. "So how long you planning on sticking around tonight?" he asked casually as he sat up and while he didn't want to pry, he was curious about what was eating at Carson. Maybe he was just depressed about the break-up and wanted to distract himself, Jared definitely understood that.
That got a genuine laugh out of him. Yes, that was solely a Bisexual Problem. “I’m ... kind of amazed now that’s never happened to me,” Carson said with a grin. “At least not yet.” As for how late he was staying, Carson didn’t really know, so he gave another shrug and made a noncommittal noise. He supposed since someone who didn’t even work there was asking, he probably should go on home, but actually talking to Jared was making him feel a little bit better -- more normal, though he probably didn’t deserve it -- and that was another reason to stall. “Soon, probably. I guess.”
Jared let out a little chuckle though this time it was less amusement and more empathy because that was eerily close to what he had sounded like when he didn't want to go home after the divorce. "You'll have to go when it closes," he pointed with some sympathy in his tone. "Don't have to go home but you can't stay here and all that." He studied Carson's face for a second. "You don't live alone, do you?"
Carson had keys to the place, so that probably wasn’t entirely true, but there was no way he could stay that late. Rylee would worry and start blowing up his phone. He was currently still in the ‘we got really busy and I had to stay’ safety zone of time. The end of it was rapidly approaching though. “Nah, with my cousin, Rylee,” he answered, and God it even hurt to say her name out loud. His expression faltered for a split second, and Carson occupied himself with making sure the plates on the lift bar were secure again.
There was something going on there and Jared didn't know if it was any of his damn business but... He kinda wanted to know. "What's going on, man?" he asked quietly since Carson's body language was pretty obvious on there something being wrong. There was a chance he didn't want to talk about it, they'd been buddies for a while but not exactly close but Jared knew sometimes a neutral party was great for talking to.
He was a shitty liar, especially when it came to his friends, even the casual ones. Carson had the quick worry that if he confessed everything to Jared he could get arrested for fucking assault, but he didn’t think that was how it worked exactly. Besides that, he really didn’t want to give him all the nasty details. “I, uh ... had a pretty bad PTSD episode this weekend,” he said, his own tone lower and all the good nature drained out of his expression. He glanced at Jared, but not for long. “Worst one in a long time, and just ... I dunno, it felt different than I can remember ever before. I, uh ... scared Rylee pretty bad. So I’m just kinda ... avoiding, I guess.”
If it had scared Carson's cousin it was obviously a lashing out of some kind and Jared winced a bit at the thought. "I'm sorry, man," he said quietly. "Are you seeing anyone about this?" Not that he had any clue how it all really went down, not with PTSD. He knew about grief counseling and all the pesky mandatory psych evals but he'd never dealt with trauma of that magnitude personally. His own little weirdness came to mind but it seemed so miniscule and insignificant that it absolutely blanched in comparison.
“Oh yeah, I go to the Outpatient VA place every month, got therapy, on an SSRI, all that shit,” Carson said, waving a hand. He did everything he was supposed to do and more, since being an advocate was its own therapy. He fiddled with the weight a bit more, unnecessarily. “I mean ... episodes happen, this was just ... bad. I didn’t hurt her or anything,” he added quickly, remembering again that he was talking to a cop. “I just feel really bad and awkward about it, and I know she’s gonna want to talk about some shit I said, and I wanna put it off.” There, that sounded a bit better.
Jared didn't think he had hurt her and if he had it was up to Rylee to press charges or there wasn't much he could do about it. He nodded along, brows drawn together in concern and thought as he listened. "You're gonna have to talk to her eventually," he said as he turned it over in his head, trying to compare it to his own experiences however different they might be. "Listen, if you're not ashamed to admit it just tell her you feel bad, that you feel awkward. Once you get that out of the way the rest should be easy."
It would’ve been good advice if everything that happened hadn’t involved so many long-standing, tricky feelings he had for his cousin, but Carson couldn’t tell Jared all that. It was too personal, and he was too ashamed. But in general, what Jared said was true. He was gonna have to talk to her eventually. He heaved a sigh, gave the other man a wan smile, and nodded. “Yeah, hopefully,” he said in regard to the ‘easy’ part. It wouldn’t be, but he was used to do shit that wasn’t easy, right? His life had stopped being ‘easy’ a long time ago. “She’s just been so great to me through so much shit, I hate putting her through anything more. But we’ll work it out. Thanks man.” He sounded a bit more confident about that than he felt, but all he could do now was try.
"Don't make it harder on her by shutting her out," Jared told him gently. "It'll only make her worry harder. Before you know it she'll be making up stuff in her head about what's really wrong and it'll be a lot bigger than whatever you're really dealing with." This was getting heavier than either of them was probably in the mood for and Jared let out a little laugh to ease the tension some. "And that was it for free counseling. You want more shrinkage you gotta pay up, buddy." He shot Carson a grin as he got up and started some light stretching.
Carson wasn’t at all sure that what Rylee might be imagining was any bigger than what was really going on, but he understood the advice. Maybe everybody thought that about their own problems, but not everybody had incestuous thoughts about their cousins. At least Carson was pretty sure they didn’t. But all of that could stay firmly under wraps in his head. He chuckled a bit at what Jared said and nodded. “I’m already broke, so I’ll stop there,” he said, a bit grateful for the out. He appreciated having someone to talk to, but there was only so much he could really say. “You need any more spotting? I might bite the bullet and head out.”
"Nah, gonna stretch and shower," Jared replied. "But I'll see you Saturday as we abandon our dignity for a good cause." In all honesty he wouldn't have minded keeping up the conversation and being there for Carson but he had a feeling the man didn't really want to get into the details of it all. "Hope things go well with Rylee. You know where to find me if you need an ear."
“Always game to abandon my dignity. It’ll be fun. But thanks, man,” Carson said again, giving Jared another friendly thump on the shoulder. He really was a good guy. “You too, y’know? If you’ve got any like ... bi-newbie concerns or anything.” He had discovered that aspect of his sexuality pretty young, but Carson was still aware there were plenty of challenges that came with it, and it helped to have someone with experience to be a sounding board. “Take it easy,” Carson added as he turned to head off. He wasn’t eager to get home, but it had to be done eventually. Maybe Rylee wouldn’t even want to talk tonight. He could get lucky.
Jared might never take him up on the offer but he appreciated it anyway since it was pretty good to know he had someone he could talk to if he really started questioning any of this. He doubted he would but then that wasn't something he could exactly predict. "See you later," he told Carson before picking up his bag and heading to the back to get some good stretches in. He quickly checked his phone for the time and found he had a message from Ty from about an hour ago. It was short and sweet and it definitely put a goofy grin on his face. Come over when you're done? he wrote back, barely smothering the urge to put some dorky little emojis on there. He didn't really expect an answer back right away so he put his phone back in the bag while he finished up.