Sage Monroe (turnitup) wrote in shadows_rpg, @ 2024-02-19 17:39:00 |
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Entry tags: | #july 2018, jacob, jacob x sage, sage |
Who: Jacob and Sage
Where: Jacob & Connor’s House
When: Morning/Noon, Thursday, July 19th
Jacob couldn't sleep much after Connor went to work. The memory of his nightmare was fainter now that he'd slept some more, but he kept having weird and disjointed dreams and every time he woke up from them, he worried the next time he fell asleep he'd go right back to Joss's dead body. He ended up getting out of bed far earlier than he was comfortable with and tried to quell his emotional nausea with tea and bread. Nothing really helped, his body felt hollow and tired in a way that reminded him of a hangover.
He ended up taking a bath and that seemed to finally shake him out of some of his stupor but in the end he knew what he needed to do. He needed to talk to someone. Saying things out loud helped, listening to someone talk about their dreams was nobody's favorite and he wasn't exactly eager to share this particular dream, but he knew one guy who would listen and understand.
He waited as long as he could before he texted Sage, not wanting to wake him up stupidly early since he knew he worked late, but his resolve cracked a little before 11 AM. Hey, you awake? :/ he texted him from the couch where he'd ended up curled up in a pile of blankets. Now he just really hoped Sage was already up and not being woken by an annoying phone chime.
After moving from Marsh’s bed to his couch, Sage had barely slept. He’d watched cartoons for an hour before exhaustion kicked in, but as soon as he began to doze, he’d jolt awake, the remnants of his earlier dream chasing after him. Dawn came and went and Sage kissed Marsh goodbye before going home and collapsing in his own bed, where he was just as restless. It felt too real, the images were too vivid, especially for a dream that happened hours ago. Usually they faded, but this one stuck, playing out behind his eyelids like a movie on a loop. Eventually Sage gave up, made himself a cup of coffee and a bowl of cereal, then sat in front of the tv again. He had time to kill before work, but he didn’t think he had the brain for anything else. When his phone buzzed, he picked it up, brows furrowing at the text expression following Jacob’s question. Sadly, yes. What’s up? he tapped back.
Jacob started typing a few times, always erasing the text because how could he even start talking about this in text? Can I call you? he finally opted for and once he got the green light from Sage, did just that. "Hey, sorry, I'm being weird," he said instead of 'hi', sighing as he tried to get more comfortable. There was nothing really stopping him from it, the couch was always nice to curl up on, this blanket was extra soft and very clean, but his body just wouldn't relax into it, it seemed. So he remained uncomfortable and antsy. "Are you busy today?" He almost wished he hadn't contacted him, did he really want to tell him the dream? He wasn't so sure. Sage had enough nightmarish shit on his mind without Jacob whining about a nightmare to him.
“It’s not weird,” Sage said with a little smile. “Sometimes I’m too lazy to type all I want to say and pick up the phone, too. Not that you’re lazy. Just, you know. I get it.” He wasn’t a big phone talker, but there were exceptions to that rule and Jacob could be one of them. Sage paused his game and stretched out on the couch, giving Jacob his full attention. “I’m just chilling right now. I work tonight, but I’ve got hours to kill. Why? You wanna hang out?” he said, then yawned, forcing a break in his speech. “Sorry, rough night.” He was going to be dead on his feet by the end of his shift, but maybe that was a good thing. If his body was tired enough, dreams maybe weren’t an option.
"You too, huh?" Jacob sighed and Sage sounded so tired, it didn't feel right to ask him to come over and yet Jacob couldn't imagine going anywhere right now, even if the walk would probably do him good. "I had a really shitty night too," he mumbled, fiddling with the blanket he was wrapped in. "I'd totally ask you to come over but it sounds like you should be taking a nap before work or something." He seemed to remember - and planned on looking up if it was true - that drinking alcohol before falling asleep was a sure way to avoid REM sleep, so maybe that was option two if he stayed home alone today.
“I’d sleep if I could, but I doubt I’ll crash until after my shift tonight,” Sage said. “If you want company, I can pop over.” While he picked up that they’d both had a bad night, it didn’t occur to Sage that the reason might be similar. Instead, he was thinking that he might be more relaxed in the presence of a friend. It wouldn’t be the first time they’d both been exhausted around each other, so what was one more time? “Have you eaten anything? I had cereal a while ago, but I could pick us up something. Moxie’s maybe?” It wasn’t the healthiest option, but Sage wasn’t thinking healthy. He was thinking comfort food, and Moxie’s was at the top of the list.
A comfort burger sounded amazing and Jacob let out a content groan that said as much. He just felt so stupidly grateful that Sage was coming over - bringing food was a huge bonus. Sage pretty much had his order down pat now but he told him anyway, just in case, then sighed softly. "Thanks," he murmured. "I really need the company." It was safe to say that now that Sage had already decided to come over and Jacob didn't have to worry about pressuring him. "Just drive safe, being tired is like... worse than being drunk."
“Don’t worry. I’ll be okay,” Sage said, the smile in his voice. “I’ll be there soon,” he added before hanging up. Jacob didn’t need to pull his leg to get him to come over. Sage needed the company too. His roommates had been around, but had jobs that got them out of the house at a more normal hour, leaving him alone until it was time for him to start his shift. He’d much rather hang out with Jacob. After swinging by Moxie’s to pick up their food, he hurried over to Jacob and Connor’s house, his stomach growling now that the car smelled like burgers. He shouldn’t be starving, it was still early, but it didn’t stop him from munching on a fry as he rang the doorbell.
Sage was the ideal friend for hanging out like this. They'd napped together in the past, maybe they could do that today too. Jacob kind of hoped they could, that Sage's presence would calm him down - having food could only help too. Lack of sleep tended to fuck with his appetite in contradictory ways and he was feeling that hunger by the time Sage showed up. He didn't leave him waiting, opening up for him and ushering him inside, the relief he felt at having him over almost tangible. "You're a life saver," he groaned when the smell of food hit him and really drove home how much he needed to eat. Everything in the cupboards was so unappealing now, junk food was exactly what he needed. "I got some plates and stuff in the living room already so..." He gestured that way and led the way when Sage had gotten his shoes off. He wasn't happy Sage had a rough night too, but there was something comforting about not being the only one feeling rough today.
“I could say the same to you,” Sage smiled. “I needed an excuse to get real food. I think all we’ve got at the moment is ramen and leftover chili, neither of which sounded all that appealing. And I’m not up for a grocery store run.” He wasn’t much of a cook and knew he was better off chipping in for groceries than actually planning the meals, on the rare nights he ate with the other guys. They all had busy lives, so it was kind of hit or miss. He knew Jacob ate way better than he did. “Aw, fancy,” he snickered as he followed him to the living room. “I’d have eaten it out of the bag like the heathen I am.” But since he’d been given a plate, he’d comply. “So what’s going on? Everything okay?” They might not be on his end, but Jacob didn’t necessarily need to know that. Sage was hoping the dream would fade as the day wore on, and then everything would be okay, but so far, no luck.
"It's so stupid," Jacob said with a little wince. "Like, nothing's wrong, everything is great, everything is going really well and... I just had a nightmare." He sat down and tried not to show how emotional it made him to just think about what he'd been dreaming. It seemed to bleed through anyway, a hitch in his voice, a sting in his eyes. "It was just a dream, but it got me so fucked up all day, I just, I feel like I– like I did something I can never make up for." It probably would make him feel better to talk to Jocelyn and know she was okay and this really had been a dream but the mere thought of calling her made him feel so ashamed. Like some part of his brain actually wanted to hurt her and he could never be around her safely again.
Sage’s stomach dropped out the moment Jacob said nightmare. Maybe he should have guessed that, but there were lots of reasons someone could have a bad night. Maybe Connor snored so loud that Jacob couldn’t sleep. Maybe he’d had indigestion. While those would both suck, Sage deemed them better than nightmares, especially with their past. Of all he’d experienced, last night had been one of the worst. Sage set the food down, no longer as interested in it as he’d been seconds before. “Dreams can really fuck with your head,” he agreed softly. “I had one last night, too. Marsh had to talk me down.” Despite his boyfriend’s reassurances, Sage hadn’t been truly convinced that his friends were okay until he’d gotten home that morning and seen them for himself. And then he’d felt horrible. Did some part of his subconscious really want to hurt them? Did he want to hurt Marsh? He didn’t think so, but he’d killed them so gleefully in his dream that he had his doubts and it made him sick to think about.
Jacob knew he was about to say he'd had a nightmare too before he said it, it was in the way his expression changed and that familiar wariness came over him. "That bad, huh?" he said quietly, eyes ticking to the food he was holding. "Was it-" No, he didn't want to know if it was the tunnel, probably didn't want Sage's horror joining his own in his head and at the same time he felt like he needed to know and needed to share his own. "I- I killed Jocelyn." He knew as soon as he blurted it out that it wasn't fair, he hadn't asked Sage if he could tell him, maybe he felt just the same - too pent up with his own horror to take on more. "It was just a dream but it felt so... I don't know, I've been all fucked up about it. I can't even imagine talking to her."
Sage cringed when Jacob revealed what he’d done in the nightmare, able to relate in a way he really wished he couldn’t. Coming from anyone else, under different circumstances, he might have seriously worried about Jacob’s sanity, but what could he say after the night that he’d had? “It might help,” he suggested, and then felt like he needed to give a bit more, so that Jacob might understand. “I… I killed Marsh. In my dream. And Austin, and Foster.” When his hands started to shake, he put the burger back down, his eyes fixed on a spot on the couch just between them, unable to look in Jacob’s eyes. “But I woke up with Marsh, and he was fine. I didn’t tell him everything that happened, but—but hearing his voice helped. Seeing that he was alive helped.” It didn’t wash away the guilt, or make him feel any better about his own mental state, but it calmed that little part of him that thought it might in some way be real.
Jacob hadn't been very worried that Jocelyn wasn't okay, it had been such a weird dream, it wasn't even realistic in any way, but it still weighed on him - more for its indications and how cold he'd been. He couldn't even say he hadn't felt like himself, he'd just felt like some horrible version of himself and that was worse. His feelings were so mixed, hearing Sage had had the same experience. If this was some town fuckery, it meant he wasn't responsible - which probably went without saying since dreams were in no way controllable, but it might still alleviate his guilt somewhat. "I didn't- I mean. I'm not the one who killed her but I made it happen, I was like... I don't know, some kind of fucked up priest in a movie or something." He'd given her to the crowd but he couldn't bring himself to talk about the dream's details, like it might make it come true. "Maybe she... had a dream like that too," he said quietly and that did make him want to call her. No, it made him want Sage to call her, hearing her voice would probably make him break down and cry right now.
“Oh,” Sage muttered, looking down and then away. Hearing that Jacob wasn’t even himself in his dream, and that he hadn’t gotten his own hands dirty, made his own feel so much more horrific. Because Jacob clearly wasn’t a priest, but what if something happened and Sage snapped? Or he got possessed by some demon that knew his brain and his fears? The worst part of it all was that Sage could picture a world where his nightmare was reality. He would never, ever hurt Marsh and his friends, but he living in Point Pleasant for as long as he had, he knew it could happen. “Maybe,” he added. “Marsh didn’t have one, but… the three of us are kind of connected.” He didn’t know if that would make it better or worse, but at least it might make some sense of it all. Sage liked the idea of there being an explanation for his fucked up nightmare other than his brain coming up with it on its own. That had to mean it wasn’t all him.
"Yeah," Jacob whispered because they really were connected in the worst way possible. There had to be more people out there who had a bad connection with the tunnel but none of them had ever come to them to talk and they were the most visible connections to the tunnel in this town. Seemed like most everyone knew of them so it'd be easier for other people to find them than it was for them to find other people. Or maybe it was just them, endlessly tormented by the damn place and the events of the past. At least when it came to the tunnel; Jacob knew damn well that there were more horrors going on than just theirs. He was quiet for a moment, thinking about the dream and the tunnel and Sage was wrong; it had absolutely been him, he just hadn't cared and the dream had been a little surreal. All the emotions and his connection to Jocelyn were real though and the thought of going cold like that again when he met her terrified him.
Sage took a deep breath, then muttered ‘shit’ with a mirthless laugh. This was life in Point Pleasant—bonding through shared trauma. He and Jacob had plenty of it, enough to spare, and yet it just seemed to keep coming. “You think it’s tied to the tunnel then? Not just some random bullshit this town likes to throw at us?” He wished there was some way to know for sure, but there was no way to find out without asking random people if they’d had horrific nightmares last night, and then what would he do with it anyways? It wouldn’t actually help anything. When it came to the tunnel, Sage felt helpless. At least in that other world, he could see the monsters. A weapon could help. The tunnel felt invincible and able to attack him wherever and whenever it wanted.
"I don't know," Jacob said but even as the words came out, he felt like maybe he did. It was so hard to tell what was real and what was his paranoia, accumulated over years of trauma. Could he trust his gut feeling when all it did was scream danger at him? "Maybe we should call Jocelyn, see if she... if she murdered anyone in her dreams last night." He echoed Sage's mirthless laughter, then ducked his head and stared down at his burger. He was so hungry, but at the same time his stomach felt like it was full of something unpleasant. He definitely wanted to sleep now, but he knew there was no way he'd manage it so staying awake - uncomfortable and unhappy - was the only thing to do for now.
“Would that make it better or worse if she said yes?” Sage asked, because he honestly wasn’t sure. They could do nothing about the tunnel; they’d learned that long ago. It was going to haunt them and they were going to have to live with it. But if it was just their fucked up brains… maybe that was better? At least in the supernatural sense it was. But not psychologically. In that respect, it was terrifying and maybe Sage shouldn’t be sleeping with Marsh if he was dreaming about killing him. With that in mind, he’d almost prefer to blame the tunnel. “Let’s text her. If she didn’t have a nightmare last night, then that’ll be the end of it. And at least we’ll know.”
"I don't know," Jacob admitted. "It'd be... worse. But also better. I just, I feel like a psychopath right now even if I know I don't really feel that way, I was just so... it was so real in the dream, my feelings were so gross. If it's the tunnel then at least it's not my brain coming up with this shit? But if it's the tunnel... Will it ever stop?" He suddenly felt very tired like he always did when he thought about the tunnel too much. It wasn't exactly a physical tiredness, more of a mental weight that felt like it was crushing him into the ground. "Dreams are stupid though. I've done some really messed up stuff in my dreams so, brains are assholes."
“It happened to both of us, so it’s not natural, whatever it is, so I don’t think you can blame yourself.” Sage knew that also applied to him as well, and that knowing wasn’t the same as believing. It was hard to get it through his head that the nightmare wasn’t somehow his fault, even if it seemed like something he’d never do. His brain had come up with some part of it and that was what worried him. “It sucked, but… but no one was hurt. Even if it scared the fuck out of me.” He chewed on his lip for a minute, thinking. “Did things like this ever happen to you when you live somewhere else?”
"I don't know," Jacob replied honestly. He hadn't had Sage and Jocelyn around to compare experiences with to know if his bad dreams were just that or something more sinister. "I had nightmares almost every night, I always felt almost itchy like I didn't belong there. I always felt like I needed to come home, even if I didn't want to." He shook his head and it was hard to explain it when it all seemed so far in the past now, like a different life from multiple years ago and not less than one. "It was kinda like... When you're not at home and you get this 'oh shit I left the stove on' feeling. Dumb urgent need to come back, even if it was like running back into a burning building." He had done that in the end and despite all the pain it felt worth it. He'd reconnected with Sage and Jocelyn and met the love of his life. Everything was so good in his life - except the tunnel. "Maybe I just didn't go far enough," he added wistfully. "Maybe I should rope Connor into doing some doctors without borders things and taking me to some other continent."
“I mean, if we’re gonna have nightmares regardless, going somewhere else seems safer,” Sage said. Despite it being the logical answer, he doubted either of them would do it. Then again, Jacob had left once, and he was willing to bet Connor would do a great deal to keep him safe. “Same kinda thing used to happen to me. I’d leave and the nightmares would get worse. More frequent. Staying here, they kinda backed off a bit. Until recently.” Getting trapped in the other world had brought them on with a renewed vigor. There wasn’t a night that something didn’t haunt him, though he’d been able to attribute most of it to the trauma he experienced. Last night was different. “Last night felt like…more than a nightmare, you know? I just don’t know what. I guess it could be the tunnel, just… messing with us.”
It was always more than a nightmare and Jacob was so tired of being on high alert. He lived for those moments of peace when he could somehow get it all out of his mind and just enjoy his time with Connor or his friends but it always seemed to slip back in and mess everything up. "I really felt like we kinda... made peace with it the last time we went out there. Guess I'm just fucking naive." He couldn't explain that feeling, it had felt so real, going to the tunnel and sort of saying goodbye. "Maybe it isn't the tunnel, maybe it's... some fucked up survivor's guilt, we got plenty of that too." He gave Sage a wan smile. "Did you ever try therapy?" Jacob hadn't, he couldn't really afford that and there weren't exactly a bunch of therapists who specialized in this kind of trauma around.
“No, you’re right. It felt good to be out there. I kinda thought that was the last of it too,” Sage said with a frown. Lately, more of his nightmares had to do with the other place, so he’d really thought he was getting past the tunnel. It was also possible his otherworldly trauma was just bigger. “The guilt’s its own monster,” he agreed softly. Sometimes he could tell that his response was due to survivor’s guilt, but other times he didn’t know why he thought the things he thought. It was possible that at this point he was just fucked in the head. “That’s a no to therapy,” Sage sighed. “I probably should have, but I always thought that would require talking about what really happened. I mean, they can’t really help you if you’re lying about the main event, can they? But if I told the truth, then they’d really think I’m crazy.”
Jacob didn't know since he'd obviously never been to therapy. Before he met Connor he'd sometimes imagined living in some institution, doped up and doing arts and crafts with some other lunatics. And honestly? It hadn't sounded half bad to him. He was terrible at taking care of himself and he'd felt more than a little crazy. He'd been lucky to have friends who steered him in the right direction and kept him safe and now he had Connor. "I think... sometimes the therapy you need is just people who get you and believe you. I know I feel way better just talking to you." He smiled faintly and shrugged one shoulder. "It's not a long term solution, I guess, but it helps." He just hoped it helped Sage too, if only a little.
Sage smiled softly and leaned into Jacob, a casual gesture of affection and agreement. He wasn’t always comfortable talking about issues that didn’t affect others, but having people close to him that believed him helped, even if they didn’t really understand. Jacob and Jocelyn were the only ones he spoke to about the tunnel incident, until Marsh. He wasn’t always certain it was smart to say as much as he’d said, but he couldn’t help but trust him and if Marsh thought he was crazy, he hid it well. “It definitely helps,” he agreed. “Makes me feel less alone. Maybe a little less crazy. Or less alone in my crazy. Which I guess is fine, so long as it’s not making you feel worse.” He considered his burger for a second, then finally took a bite. Immediately, he knew it was the right decision. He’d forgotten how hungry he was. “I hope you know by now you can tell me anything,” he said once his mouth was no longer full.
"You too," Jacob said and he meant it, if Sage needed to talk about something, he was more than willing to be there to listen - and give advice if he could and if it was wanted. Not that he was a well of great ideas or anything, but sometimes getting somebody else's perspective on things could help. "I called you for a reason," he added. "I always feel better when I talk to you, not worse, so don't even second guess it." Maybe if he was on some path of denial, talking to Sage and Jocelyn would be hard, if he wanted to forget all about the tunnel and never talk about it again then his friends were definitely the wrong company for him. That wasn't the case though, even if he wanted to, there was no getting away from their past. He'd run before but even in Portland the tunnel had haunted him, in some ways even more so than it did here.
Sage knew the offer was open, and he appreciated it more than he could say, but he also knew it had its limits. When it came to the tunnel incident, Jacob was one of the few people he could turn to because he understood. He’d been there. Sage didn’t think talking about it would add to his trauma. That couldn’t be said of the other place. Jacob didn’t know how bad it had been and he didn’t need to add that fear to his list. So while Sage knew the offering was there, he had a hard time taking him up on it. “I’m glad I can help, even just a little bit,” Sage said with a small smile. “You know, I didn’t want to go back to sleep because I was afraid it might happen again, but usually dreams fade the farther I get from them. Hopefully we’ll both sleep better tonight.”
"I did sleep a little after, still felt really uneasy when I woke up again," Jacob said and put away the containers he was holding with what remained of his food. "I was probably lucky, compared to you... I mean, it was me and it was Jocelyn and it felt really real but - the environment was weird so it'll be easier to distance myself from it, I think, with time." That didn't really feel like it was true at the moment but time could do wonders. "I was hoping you'd stay for a bit, we could just curl up on the couch and watch a movie or something - and if we fall asleep then we're not alone at least."
The location of Sage’s dream had been so realistic that if he’d woken up in his own bed, he would have truly had a meltdown. He was lucky to have Marsh there, alive and well and able to convince him that it was a nightmare, that he couldn’t possibly have done any of it because he’d been right there beside him the whole time. It lingered even now, but Sage was hoping it would fade. He needed it to fade to fully function. “Of course I’ll stay,” Sage said, nudging Jacob with a little smile. “We can do whatever–watch a movie, just lounge, if you wanna draw, I’ll work on some lyrics I’ve been bouncing around. I think chilling would be good.” He hoped they might fall asleep because they both probably needed it, but he wouldn’t try and force it. It would come eventually.
"I think I just wanna mindlessly watch some cartoons or something," Jacob admitted. His activity level right now allowed for a dumb phone game at most and he was pretty sure he was going to pass out as soon as he got comfortable. Having Sage there was soothing and he already felt a lot calmer. He reached for the remote to at least start looking for something for them to watch, already feeling the urge to sink into the comfy couch. "If I fall asleep and you don't, please don't go without waking me, okay?" he asked even if he was pretty sure Sage would never do that. They both knew what anxiety was like and he wouldn't make Jacob wake up alone. And still he felt like he had to ask.
“I would never,” Sage promised as he settled in beside Jacob. Even if he hadn’t been dealing with nightmares of his own, Sage wouldn’t have left. He’d been dealing with anxiety long enough to know that only made things worse. Being together, on the other hand, seemed to calm him. Jacob wasn’t a perfect substitute for Marsh, but he was familiar and comforting, in that gray space between a friend and a lover that Sage didn’t have a name for. He just knew that Jacob was probably the only non-lover he napped with. As Jacob found them something to watch, Sage could his eyes growing heavy. He wouldn’t last long himself, but he was determined to stay awake long enough to let Jacob go first. It was the least he could do for his friend.