BE-E AGGRESSIVE! (be_aggressive) wrote in shadows_rpg, @ 2024-02-01 13:04:00 |
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Entry tags: | #july 2018, jasper, jasper x jules, jules |
Who: Jules and Jasper
When: late afternoon, Saturday, July 21
Where: Jasper's car
Status: Complete
Jasper only regretted offering to drive Jules home from the wedding a little bit, mostly because he wanted to sink into the ground and disappear. It wasn’t her fault -- but it was, but it wasn’t, it was all so hard to parse out -- and she didn’t deserve to have to walk or scramble around for a ride back home. He’d brought her as his date, the right thing to do was see her home safe. He just hated the tension in the air between them as he started up the car and pulled out of the parking lot. It didn’t occur to him until then that he’d been drinking, but Jasper knew all these roads like the back of his hand, and he felt steady enough after that angry outburst, like the adrenaline had kind of sobered him up.
Still, he kept his hands tight around the steering wheel as he drove away from the marina toward Overlook. Everything that came to mind to say sounded lame and stupid, and he kept chewing on the inside of his bottom lip rather than saying any of it.
Jules didn't really know what to say either. She sat quietly, trying to ignore the things racing through her mind. She was desperate to say all of them, because she hated silence and she hated not knowing what Jasper was feeling or thinking. But lately it felt like she didn't know any of that anyway. How many fights had they had where Jasper wanted to walk away from it. Maybe she just ought to let him.
Then again, Jules was feeling tired and emotional and she knew she was probably being overly dramatic in her head. Jasper had asked her what she still loved about him and the urge to ask him what he still loved about her was strong. But she kept her mouth shut, not wanting to start another fight. Did she ask him to stay with her after they got to her house? Should she just let him leave? If she asked, would he say yes even though he didn't want to, just so she wouldn't be upset? But she was already upset, so did it matter? And why was her brain being so mean to her right now? Why did guys have to be so complicated?
The longer the silence went on, the more antsy it made him, but Jasper had nothing constructive to fill it with. He was still angry and hurt, but everything felt dulled and muted at the same time, like he was just remembering another fight they’d had in the past or something. Jules had slept with Ethan. How many times? Had she enjoyed it more than she enjoyed sleeping with him? Did Ethan know any older-richer-boy tricks in bed? What was his dick like? How many times had he made Jules come? He didn’t want any of the answers, but he couldn’t stop the questions from running through his mind, either. Funny how his mind had latched onto Ethan rather than Clint Nolan ... that guy was a stupid chump and not a threat. Ruby was better off to be rid of him.
Ethan though ... there was no getting rid of Ethan. Jules had made it clear he was an integral part of her power, and opening portals without him either didn’t work or caused her so much pain. He’d somehow become a best friend too, and Jasper couldn’t understand how he fit into that dynamic too ... maybe that was how Jules felt about him and Logan. On the outside, not good enough, disposable. It wasn’t until Jasper tasted a bit of blood that he realized he’d gnawed part of his bottom lip raw. He tried to make himself stop, shifting a bit in his seat as he glanced over at his girlfriend. Jasper just desperately wished he knew how to fix things so they would both stop feeling like shit so often.
“What do you want out of our relationship, Jules?” he asked finally, keeping his tone quiet and as neutral as he could. “Like ... how do you want it to be between us?”
His question caused the exhaustion to deepen, sinking into her bones until she was sure she could just close her eyes and drift off without another thought. Jules didn't want to answer, or even talk about it anymore. Answers would lead to the both of them feeling even shittier and probably another break up and she was just so tired. "I don't know," she muttered. "I don't know anymore. I love you and I just... wanted to try and help and be there for you... try to make you happy again, and I don't think I do that anymore." Jules exhaled and reached up to brush her hair from her face, still staring out the window. She hadn't wanted to talk about it, but now she was and she might as well be honest. "You said yourself it was different. I just don't know what I have to offer anymore. There's like... emotional baggage or whatever, which probably isn't helping anything."
Jules’s tone made his stomach clench uncomfortably and Jasper mentally kicked himself for saying anything. He should just shut up and drive -- his mouth never made anything better. “You’ve got a hell of a lot more to offer than I do,” he murmured quietly. “And I know you wanted to because you care, but ... there’s no one person or thing that’s gonna make me happy again, Jules. I don’t even know if I can be happy long-term anymore. That’s not on you.” It wasn’t on anybody but him, and he was crashing and burning at it pretty hard. It was somehow frustrating to hear that she thought she could fix anything in his brain just by being together, like she didn’t really grasp how bad his mental health was ... but Jasper didn’t have the words to explain it. And Jules didn’t sound like she wanted to hear it anyway. “We don’t gotta talk,” he muttered, his hands flexing on the wheel. “I just ... wanted to get on the same page, I guess.”
Jules didn't think she could fix Jasper. She couldn't fix anything. She was more destructive than anything else. But she thought being together would at least make things tolerable and then maybe someday... things would get better. Was he even doing anything to try? Was he talking to anyone like she had suggested? Knowing Jasper he was probably suppressing things, bottling them all up so he didn't have to deal. He was never going to be happy if he just left things as they were, but Jules didn't think saying so would help anything. "Okay, then what page are you on?" She finally looked over at him, her gaze curious. "What do you want from this relationship? What do you want from me?"
It was a hard question, but he’d asked it first, so it was only fair that it be turned around on him, he supposed, even though Jules hadn’t really answered it either. Jasper thought he could probably guess what she wanted though -- for everything to be like it was again, and for them to move in together and get married in like a year and start having babies. It sounded like a nightmare to him, from where he was standing now. He just wasn’t ready for any of that, and hadn’t been ready even before he’d gotten stuck in hell. “I don’t ... I want your patience,” Jasper started, his brow furrowed as he stared out the windshield. “And I want you to really understand that like ... I honestly love you and I want you, even if I want someone else sometimes too. ... I mean, you wanted Ethan and Clint too, right? At least in the moment? And it didn’t change how you feel about me.” It made him a little queasy to say their names, but Jasper pushed through to try and get his point across. “I just really want us to be able to relax and have fun again, because like, nothing is fun to me right now, and I’m struggling to get it back. I see myself with you forever Jules, I really do, we just gotta get past this. But I don’t ... think you understand me. And instead I keep hurting your feelings and I don’t want that. I know I can’t tell you to just stop feeling how you feel, I’m just ... I dunno, I’m just talking.” He stopped because he probably sounded like a selfish idiot, and went back to chewing on his bottom lip.
Maybe Jules did want things to be like they were before, but she knew they couldn't be. But did that mean it couldn't be good? If she had known he thought she wanted marriage and babies, Jules would have balked. She was eighteen and barely knew who she was, or what she even wanted to do with her life. If she wanted babies already, she wouldn't have gotten an abortion when she got pregnant earlier that year. There was no way she was ready for that. Neither of them were.
Jules listened to what he was saying, torn between wanting to interrupt and keeping quiet. Yes, she had wanted Ethan and Clint in those moments, but she hadn't since. She highly doubted Jasper could say the same about Logan. But pointing that out seemed unnecessary, and impossible because her chin was quivering and she was trying really hard not to start crying. His words were bringing some relief to the heaviness she felt and it was near impossible not to let those emotions overwhelm her. "I don't understand you," she admitted, tears finally falling over. "I don't. But I want to. I just don't know how. I want to be with you too. More than anything. And I want to help you. I just... I need you to let me and... talk to me and stuff."
He heard her start to cry before he saw it, and Jasper’s chest gave a painful squeeze. He was really fucking her up, wasn’t he? Guilt rolled in again, and his nose stung with his own emotion. He was a selfish prick and he really just needed to ... stop being that. Stop wanting anything else than what he already had. He and Jules had been happy for a little while, and it seemed like they both needed to get back to that. Or what was the point of all this? Feeling a little too unsteady to drive, Jasper found a good spot to pull off on the side of the street. He turned once the car was in park and reached to pull Jules into his arms with a soft “c’mere.” There was too big of a lump in his throat for him to say much of anything for the moment, but he badly wanted to hold onto her.
Jules knew it was going to take a lot more than just her presence to help Jasper get back to feeling okay again. A part of her was aware of what would probably help, even if she wasn’t quite ready to admit or accept it. That made her selfish, and she knew it, but she couldn’t exactly turn it off. She didn’t think he understood how desperately she needed him. And that was selfish of her too. Jules was trying to brush away the tears falling onto her cheeks but then Jasper was reaching for her and she couldn’t seem to care anymore that she was being a big stupid baby about the whole thing. Jules unhooked her seatbelt and leaned over to bury her face in Jasper’s neck. “I’m sorry,” she managed in between sobs. Jules just wanted to stop messing up and hurting him. She wanted to help him heal, not make it worse.
There was some quip Jasper had heard -- ‘hurt people hurt people.’ And both of them had been so hurt by so many things that had happened to them in the past year or so, the majority of which hadn’t been anybody’s fault. At least not their own. Jasper still felt guilty for a lot of it though, and he was sure Jules did too. He didn’t know why they couldn’t just find comfort in each other and not go through all of this all the time. He held her while she cried, shedding some quieter tears himself as he slowly rubbed her back. He felt just as helpless to make any of it better, neither of them could help how they felt or how at-odds those feelings were. “I am too,” Jasper whispered close to her ear. “I’m sorry, Jules. I love you.” He knew that was true and that it was a deep and intense love ... why did it never feel like enough anymore?
It was both cathartic and frustrating to be crying the way she was. Jules tried to hold in all of those emotions, at least until she was alone and could purge them all. It made her feel weak and needy and Jules knew what a turn off that could be for some guys. But when the sobs wracking her body began to calm and die away, Jules stayed where she was, feeling boneless and heavy and exhausted. "I love you too," she murmured, wondering why everything had to be so complicated. It was just layer after layer of guilt and insecurity and doubt. She missed how confident she used to be. Jules sighed, her hand clinging to his shirt. "I don't want to lose you."
Jasper didn’t feel turned off by her emotion -- they were well past that point in their relationship. He was dimly glad that she was accepting his comfort and not pushing him away and trying to hide it all from him. Sometimes Jasper got the feeling the people closest to him were doing their damndest not to ‘burden’ him with anything else. Jasper kept holding and gently stroking her as her body started to relax. He still felt awful and guilty and he didn’t know how to make any of it better. “I don’t want to lose you either,” he murmured. Part of him feared that had already happened, they just hadn’t caught up to it yet, but he didn’t want to think that way. Jasper brushed some of her hair back and nudged his temple against hers. “What can I do?” he whispered.
It didn't seem right. She should be asking him that question. But in a way he had already answered it. She could be patient and work harder to understand everything. Sniffling, Jules reached up to rub at her eye a bit, wishing they were already at her house and in her bed so she could just wrap herself around him and drift off. "I don't know," she murmured. "I guess I just... want to understand. I want you to be honest with me, and I know that's probably hard 'cause how I reacted when you told me about Logan, but... I just don't want to feel like we're constantly keeping things from each other." Jules lifted her head so she could look at him, aware that she probably had puffy eyes and a runny nose but she didn't care. "I love you. I'll do anything for you... just... tell me whatever you need."
It was apparent to Jasper that fixing their relationship was going to take work on both sides. He didn’t want Jules blindly catering to him because he was in a fragile state, or she still felt guilty for what she’d had to do in the woods. That would only make things worse in the long run. Jasper wanted her to be happy too, as much as was possible with all the bullshit they couldn’t do anything about. She was right that it did feel hard to be completely honest with her, because Jasper didn’t want to hurt her, and he knew she didn’t get or didn’t fully believe his feelings. When she looked up, he stroked her face and thumbed some tears off of her cheek. She was still totally beautiful to him, puffy and snotty and all. “I love you too,” he echoed again. “And I’ll try, okay? And you try too, don’t ... don’t keep stuff from me because you don’t want me to be upset. We’ve got to trust each other. Thinking that there’s shit you’re not saying to spare my feelings just makes me paranoid, you know? I’d rather know than be imagining all kinds of shit.”
Jules knew that Jasper never did anything to purposely hurt her. She thought about her birthday, when he had admitted to being attracted to Logan. They had been high, sure, but she knew that had still probably been pretty hard for him, opening up to her that way. And even if Jules felt insecure or possessive or jealous, she didn't want Jasper to suppress thoughts or feelings because of it. So she nodded, determined to be as open with him as she could be. If they didn't trust each other, there was really no point to any of this. Jules reached up to slip her hand around the side of his neck, her thumb brushing along his skin. Everything felt so hard lately, but she knew she couldn't walk away from it, or from Jasper. She didn't want to. "I just never wanted to make things worse for you," she said, once she had cleared her throat and was sure she could speak again without her voice cracking. "But I'll try to be more honest, I promise."
Jasper knew her intentions had always been good, like his own ... even though he knew he'd done wrong, he'd never done it to hurt her. It seemed like he was going to have to accept the fact he couldn't have both of his favorite people in his life at the capacity he wanted. It sucked and it hurt, but he would rather take that hurt for himself than to keep making Jules suffer. He'd already committed to it when they'd gotten back together, he just had to quit bringing it up, quit thinking about it. "Okay,” he murmured to her. Jasper gave his girl a long squeeze, then pulled back enough to cup her face with both hands. He kissed her, soft and lingering. It made his heart ache in a bittersweet way, but filled him with warmth at the same time. He loved her, he needed her, and he wished he knew how to properly tell her. Once their lips had parted, he met her eyes again and softly asked," Want to go home?”
Jules slipped her fingers around his wrists as he kissed her, her eyes closing as she let herself simply feel everything rather than think about it. She had been damn stupid to think anyone else could kiss her like this and make her feel this way. It was possible being open with one another could ruin everything in the long run, but it was a risk she was willing to take if there was also the possibility that they could make their relationship stronger. "Yeah," she murmured, ready to be home where she could bury her head for a while and try to push all of this behind her. "I feel like I ruined the wedding for you. I'm really sorry." She wasn't looking for him to convince her otherwise. Fighting at a wedding seemed as bad as fighting at a dance of any kind. It wasn't fun.
He’d already said that wasn’t her fault, it was Elodie’s, but Jasper didn’t think saying it again would comfort her. His time had definitely been ruined, but so had hers, and that sucked too. They’d started out so well, and Jasper wished he could rewind it all and not go out for a smoke, avoid Elodie, something. He understood where she’d been coming from as a friend but her timing sucked and he wasn’t even sure yet if this was something he wanted to know. He wanted to think he would get over it, but the thought of that smarmy asshole’s hands on Jules made him sick. “I’m sorry it got fucked up for both of us,” Jasper offered, not sure what else to say. “I don’t want you to feel worse. It’s okay. It’s not like you brought it up on purpose.” He kissed her cheek and then pulled back to straighten up in his seat to pull them away from the curb so he could get her home.
She knew Jasper blamed Elodie but Jules supposed it was still her fault because she'd had secrets Elodie could tell. How Elodie found out, Jules had no idea. It didn't occur to her for even a second that Clint had told her. Unless Clint told someone else who told Elodie, but they didn't run in the same circles at all. Jules knew better than to ask Jasper how Elodie had found out, though. She didn't want to talk about it all anymore. Resting her head back against the seat, Jules could feel more of that exhaustion seep into her bones. Crying had been cathartic in a weird way but also tiring and she was sure if she closed her eyes she would probably fall asleep. "I hope your dad's not too upset that we left without saying goodbye," she murmured. She knew Gavin had been worried and she felt guilty for not assuring him things were fine before they left.
Jasper frowned vaguely at the mention of his dad. He’d essentially told him to fuck off, and he would probably hear about that later. Maybe. He didn’t think his dad had actually been mad at him in a while. All of the sudden Jasper wanted him to be, wanted Gavin to tear him a new one when he got home -- it would feel so damn normal. Like the fights they used to get into back when things were simpler, before all of the trauma and disappearances ... well, the recent trauma, anyway. They had plenty of it in their family history, just of a sadly common nature. “He’ll get over it,” he muttered. “He’ll be pissed at me, if anything. So don’t worry about it.” Gavin probably thought Jules could do no wrong, he couldn’t imagine his dad being upset with her. At least on any level that didn’t just look like stone-faced grunting ... Jasper knew his tells, but Jules didn’t. He tried not to think about it as he drove them toward Overlook once more.
Jules didn't think Gavin would be pissed at her. They had been having a nice conversation when Jasper stalked up to the table. She just didn't want Gavin pissed at Jasper. "I just don't want you two to fight," she murmured, though she had no way of stopping it. Maybe fighting would be good for them though. Maybe Jasper needed a way to release some of those angry feelings. As they neared her neighborhood, Jules tried to ignore the pounding that had begun in her temple. Her thoughts were jumbled and she tried to sort through them before speaking again. "Can I ask you something?" Jules glanced at Jasper. "And I don't... this isn't meant to start another fight or anything. But if I hadn't gotten into that accident, do you think you'd still be sleeping with Logan?" She knew he might not like the question, but Jules couldn't help but want to know the answer. There was so much going on in her head and it didn't feel like she could sort it all out without trying to understand what was going on inside of his.
Jasper fought the urge to sigh. Maybe she wasn’t asking it to start another fight, but it seemed like she was asking to hurt her own feelings or keep being upset or something. “I don’t know, Jules,” he answered after a few heartbeats. “I missed you, I told you that. It depends on ... our conversations, I guess. If we were back together, no.” He couldn’t predict a hypothetical future if things had taken a different path, any more than he could predict where the one they were on now was leading. A bitter part of him was tempted to ask if she and Ethan had been fucking before that accident, or on their way to somewhere they could, but Jasper forcibly pushed that line of thought away. She would get upset if he dwelled on it, but he had to let her dwell on Logan as much as she wanted. “What do you really wanna know, Jules?” he asked, trying not to sound agitated and not really succeeding. “If I prefer being with him? If I love him more or think he’s better than you in any way? If you’re gonna ask me something, ask me what you mean.”
For Jules, it wasn't so much her desire to be upset. She was really tired of being upset. But he had said she didn't understand and she wanted to understand. If he needed something that she couldn't give him in order to be happy, then what kind of person would she be to selfishly put her foot down on it? Maybe she was a masochist of some kind, but maybe that's what love was. Jasper's tone prompted her to sigh inwardly and she straightened a bit in her seat, still trying to sort out her thoughts. "I think if you preferred being with him then he'd be in this seat right now and not me," Jules pointed out, determined not to let this escalate again. But if he wanted her to ask him what she meant, then she would. Or she would at least try, because it was difficult to put what she meant into a coherent thought. It seemed like every way she could possibly say it would only set him off, and she didn't want that. "I just mean... you care about him. It wasn't just, you know... sex, right?"
His brow furrowed, but he kept his eyes on the road. “Of course I care about him, he’s been my best friend since forever, almost,” Jasper said, his tone easier than it had been. He knew that was probably hard to hear, just like it was always hard for him to hear how much Jules cared about Ethan ... though that guy was a recent interloper in her life, and Logan had been Jasper’s bestie since childhood. He gnawed on his bottom lip for a few seconds. “And it ... that’s why I wanted it to be him, you know? I trust him, and ... I can’t even tell you how vulnerable it feels ... being with a guy, like that. Logan knows what he’s doing and he made it safe.” Logan also made Jasper feel cared for and not weird or gross or emasculated for what he wanted, but it was hard to explain that without it sounding bad to Jules. She probably didn’t really want to hear any of this, honestly, and he should shut his mouth. Jasper’s jaw clenched briefly. “But it’s not the same as how I feel about you,” he added in a mumble. They were almost to her house now and he resisted the urge to drive around in circles a few times so they could keep talking.
Maybe she shouldn't have wanted to hear it, but she did. Jules couldn't help but be curious, to want to know what it was that Jasper was feeling. In a way it felt like it could help her shake off whatever insecurities lingered about his feelings for her. Jules knew she was a jealous person. She couldn't help it. She never had to share anything that belonged to her and she had believed for a long time that that included Jasper. But, at the same time, she felt relief that Logan had been safe and made Jasper feel safe too. Jules had broken up with him so he could figure things out and even explore what it was he was curious about. He had done that and she was weirdly glad for it, even if it had sucked big time for her and she still felt those pangs of jealousy. Glancing over at him again, Jules felt a soft laugh catch in her throat. "It's probably easier though," she said, keeping her voice light. "I know I'm a pain in the ass."
That wasn’t the kind of response he’d been expecting, and Jasper glanced over at her with a surprised little smile and an amused huff. “You said it, not me,” he murmured, then reached over to take her hand right before he turned into her driveway. “Not like I’m any better, though.” They were both emotional and had tempers and their relationship had been volatile since the beginning. The stakes had just gotten so much higher. Jasper pulled up close to the path to the front door and put the car into park. Once his hands and attention were free, he pulled Jules’s hand up to press his lips against the back of it, shifting around in his seat to turn toward her. “I know it just means you care a lot,” he said, his gaze downcast for the moment. “And we’ve been through hell together, so ... yeah stuff is hard, and complicated, and I hate fighting with you. But I just ... I don’t feel like we’re over, you know?” Jasper looked up, his expression a bit fretful. “Do you still feel like we can get through it?”
Jules was relieved to find her mom didn't seem to be home, but that wasn't unusual. When she was home, they usually ended up fighting, though things had gotten a bit better now that Jules had a job. Even so, Jules didn't want Margaret looking out the window at Jasper's car, or waiting for Jules to come inside so she could start badmouthing him. Licking her lips, Jules tore her gaze away from the front of the house to focus on Jasper again, her fingers curling around his hand. She studied his face, realizing that even if things ended between them, would they ever really be over? It didn't feel like it. But Jules also didn't want to think about that right now, because she had meant what she said when she told Jasper that she didn't want to lose him. "I think if we're honest with each other, we can get through it. I want to try. Do you?"
Being completely honest felt like a fraught challenge to Jasper. There were so many things he couldn’t or didn’t want to tell people, so much going on he didn’t want to really discuss. Being totally honest with Jules had led to a bunch of drama and pain, so his instinct was to hesitate over that. But Jasper knew keeping secrets and sneaking around wasn’t a better option in the long run. It might save them some hurt in the moment, but he couldn’t really say he wouldn’t have kept messing around with Logan behind her back if the truth had never come out. He didn’t want to be that kind of person, did he? Jasper licked his lips and nodded, giving her hand a soft squeeze. “I do, I wanna try too,” he said. “Some stuff is just really hard to talk about, so ... be patient with me.”
Jules felt like she had been doing a good job of being patient. She hadn't want to push him into anything, or force him to talk to her if he didn't want to. She still didn't know for sure if they would have gotten back together already if she hadn't ended up in the hospital or if they would have continued going on with their own lives without speaking. But things were what they were, and Jules hoped that Jasper wouldn't be there with her now if he didn't really want to be. "I will," she said, bringing her free hand up to cup Jasper's face. "And I want to try and understand everything... I just can't do that unless you let me in and talk to me about it. I know I can be jealous and selfish and all that stuff, but... I want to be there for you and help you through it, if you'll let me."
Jasper had never handled feeling vulnerable very well, and he realized in a dim way that refreshing and really working on his relationship with Jules was going to require vulnerability out of him. The thought of openly telling her details about him and Logan, or even about his mood swings and nightmares made him cringe inside, but maybe it was necessary to really make Jules understand. He just hoped she really wanted to and she wasn’t just wanting to want to. Jasper’s eyes closed briefly and he nuzzled his cheek against her hand. “I want you with me,” he murmured. He could be just as jealous and selfish as she could, they just had to keep working through it. Jasper looked at Jules’s face again. “And promise you won’t hide stuff from me to try and like, protect me? It’s gotta be both of us.”
Jules did want to understand. Maybe it would help him more and help her too. It would either make them stronger or...well, she didn't want to consider the alternative. "I won't hide anything from you," she murmured. "It'll be both of us, I promise." It wasn't like she had anything to tell him now anyway, since Elodie opened her big mouth and then she had spit out the truth about Ethan. Ugh. Hopefully, that wasn't something Jasper would dwell on. Especially because she and Ethan were still close, and Jules didn't see that changing. Sighing softly, Jules leaned over to kiss Jasper's lips, lingering for a moment. They had been through so much and had come this far. Jules wasn't ready to give up.
With everything so fresh and raw, Jasper didn't know how he would feel or how deep the truth would burrow into his insecurities. Only time would really tell. At the moment, he just knew he loved Jules and he would fight to keep her in his life. Even if the fight was within himself. Jasper kissed her softly back, trying to let the love behind it really sink in. God knew he needed it. As bad as things were sometimes, they would be so much worse without the people he was closest to in his life. Once their lips had parted again, he opened his eyes and brushed his fingers along her temple. "You want me to stay?” he asked quietly. "Or want to be alone?”
It was difficult to figure out exactly what she wanted. Being alone felt like something she needed, but there was a part of her that wanted to cling to Jasper for as long as possible. What if he drove away and decided she wasn't worth all the hassle? Why couldn't she just shut her mind off and accept that he loved her? Brains were such a pain in the ass. But Jules thought about his family, back at the marina, celebrating a wedding and she felt bad that she had taken him away from that. This should be a happy day and even if the happy had set sail a long time ago, Jasper should still be there. "You should go back," she murmured. "Ruby and Logan are probably still there, and your family... you should be with them today."
Jasper felt guilty for leaving, but he didn't really want to go back either. He wanted to go back to his basement to isolate and get high enough that he didn't have any thoughts at all. He knew for a fact that everybody in his life would tell him how unhealthy that was, but he couldn't help the desire. All of this had been upsetting. Plus he didn't really want to hear any bullshit from his dad. Jasper didn't want to make Jules feel worse though, so he nodded a bit. Maybe he would go back, just to say bye. He would decide on the way. The point was Jules didn't want him to stay, and maybe they both needed some breathing room. She'd been upset too. "I'm sorry it all got fucked up," he murmured. "I had fun with you, and you look really pretty. Talk to you later?”
It sucked real bad that it had gotten fucked up but there was nothing she could do about it now. Hopefully once all of this sunk in and the emotions weren’t as high, Jasper would still want her around. “I’ll call you tonight,” she promised as she reached for the door handle. Jules paused briefly and looked back at him. “I love you, Jasper.” She just wanted him to know that. No matter what had happened or what happened in the future, she knew that much wouldn’t change.
“I love you too, Jules,” he told her, able to dredge up a faint smile. Jasper knew his love maybe wasn’t the best or the healthiest, his upbringing had been fucked up and he’d just gotten more traumatized in the past year or so, but it was all he had to give. If she really wanted to be with him, she was going to have to be with all of his issues too, and vice versa. He just hoped Jules believed that he was sincere, because he was, and that someday they would find a good balance and things would feel more smooth. Jasper blew her a little kiss before she got out, then waited until she was safely in the house before he drove away.