Re: Sage & Jasper (early in the party)
He didn’t hate the basement, Gavin had made it pretty comfortable and something felt kind of right and just about Jasper living in some kind of dark cave. God knew he felt like a monster often enough. He just knew he should be moving forward with his life, and he didn’t really want to live with anyone but Logan. It was a little reassuring to hear that Sage wasn’t all fine and dandy either, in spite of having a new boyfriend and fresh hair dye. At least he wasn’t the only one still suffering. He’d been tempted to reach out to Greer more than a few times, to take her up on her offer to talk, but it was just so hard for him to start something like that. Jasper wasn’t used to asking for emotional help, and even less used to receiving it. He nodded a bit to show Sage he understood, not sure what to say even though he’d asked the question himself. “I dunno how this gets better,” Jasper muttered, lifting his spiked cup again. “Sorry you’re like, in the same spot, man. It fucking blows. And everything just keeps ... going.” He made a vague gesture around them, meaning all of the wedding guests just having a good time living their lives. It seemed so weird sometimes, like he was out of sync with the world.
“Yeah, but that’s good, right? If everything stopped, got hung up like us, then… that’d be worse,” Sage said, though he wasn’t all that sure he was making sense. He just knew that part of what kept him going was the fact that everyone else managed it and he wanted to be there with them. For them. He wanted to be Marsh’s date to this wedding. That hadn’t been something he’d even thought possible a month ago, yet there he was, and that was progress. He still felt like a train wreck, he still had nightmares, but there were moments when he was glad to be alive, when he could laugh and forget the hell he’d escaped from. “I don’t think we’ll ever be the same as we were before, but that doesn’t mean we can’t find a space here and make it work. Sometimes I think I’m broken, but… I also think that’s a sucky way of looking at it. If I’m broken, I need fixing, and I don’t think I’m fixable. So instead, this is just me now. I’m different than I was before. I don’t really like it, but we’re allowed to feel that way about ourselves, right? Everyone else can just fuck off.”
That was probably the most pragmatic way of looking at it, but Jasper wasn't sure he was ready to accept that this was just him now, even though he felt helpless to change it. It felt worse than just not liking this new version of himself, he felt like he was making everybody else's lives worse. Whether that was real or just a product of his damaged psyche, Jasper didn't know. Nor did he know how to ask. Instead he nodded a bit at Sage and wet his lips. "That's probably a good attitude,” he muttered. "Guess I'm just still figuring out that whole ‘making It work’ part.” He wished that was something he could do completely on his own, without anyone else's expectations or even hopes that he would get over it all and get back to normal. Jasper felt the pressure, even if it was all in his head. "You ever talk to any of the others?” he asked, glancing around for Elodie.
“Yeah, it’s easier to say than to live,” Sage said. Everyday was a struggle, especially when he was around people who wanted to see him bounce back. His parents took it the hardest, which was why some distance helped. He’d lucked out with Marsh—his first two meetings with him set the bar really damn low. And his close friends had seen him go through something traumatic before, so hopefully they knew this wasn’t something he could just shake off. Unlike the tunnel, this wasn’t just a one day event he was trying to put behind him. It was months of living in fear. Honestly, he’d worry a lot more about the people who came back unscathed. “I talked to Ty once, but otherwise, not really. I sometimes wish I did, but… I wasn’t exactly close to any of ‘em. I don’t know how they’d feel about me just showing up at their house, or their work, or, I dunno, their uncle’s wedding,” he said with a little laugh.