Re: Jasper & Jules (& Gavin)
Those questions probably shouldn't have hurt, but they did. Is that what he thought? That she wanted to be with him out of habit, or guilt? Was that how he felt? Jules had already wondered if his wanting to get back together had just been reactionary to her accident. Maybe he just didn't want to admit it. She had been trying so hard to be understanding and help him if and where she could. But it hadn't been out of guilt, though she certainly still felt it. Not just for Jasper, but for everyone who had suffered Over There. Maybe being with her was just slowing his own healing process, because she was to blame for a lot of his pain. Maybe he would be happier if she was gone. Maybe Logan was the person he needed in his life now, since they were friends and all. No emotional baggage there. Maybe, maybe, maybe. Jules struggled for a moment, not wanting to try and push the words past the dry lump forming in her throat. "I still love everything about you that I loved before," Jules said, once she was sure she could speak without her voice cracking. "Your smile, and your stubbornness... well, most of the time your stubbornness. You don't take crap from anyone, even me. Even when we weren't together, you were still the first person I wanted to text or call about stupid things. I love how you make me feel when we're together, and that I feel like you made me a better person. It's not like it all disappeared because things got bad, or harder. If anything, I think it's stronger because you're trying to deal with a lot of bullshit and you haven't given up when a lot of people might have." Jules could feel herself getting emotional and she really hated herself for it. "Is this out of habit for you?" She motioned between them. "Did you even want to get back together? Or were you just scared because of what happened?"
Why was it so hard to hear anything good about himself? It was almost painful to hear Jules say those things, they felt so far from how he saw himself. Especially when it was draining all of the anger out of him, which made more room for the hurt and realization that he was acting like an asshole. He didn’t have any right to tell Jules what to do with herself when they were broken up, just like the other way around, even if it hurt really bad. She’d been hurt really bad by everything with Logan, so maybe it was just fair. Jasper suddenly felt like curling up in a ball on the floor, running away, anything that would make him disappear from this conversation. But he’d started the fight, so he needed to finish it. “No, it’s not habit and no, it’s not just fear ...” he said, frowning helplessly as he tried to find the right words. They never seemed to exist when he needed them. “I love you, Jules. I truly do. I feel more for you than I’ve ever felt for anybody in my life. It hasn’t changed for me either, and -- and everything with Logan didn’t make it any less. I feel like you don’t believe me when I say that though. Like my love isn’t good enough because it’s not ... the same as yours.” He waved a vague hand. “And yeah, I’m dealing because I have to, because the alternative is to just fucking kill myself, and even if I want to do that sometimes, I don’t, you know? And I’m sorry -- I’m just -- everything’s just a lot.” His expression started to crumple and he looked away to try to get it back under control.