Re: Jasper & Jules (& Gavin)
“No, it’s not,” he snapped back. “The carnival wasn’t even a month ago, Jules. And if you’re already mad about something I haven’t even done yet, it’s very in the now. You can’t say it’s in the past and still be pissed that I didn’t wait with Logan -- maybe I was hurt too, huh? And needed somebody, did you think of that? Or am I just always the bad guy for shit I can’t help?” Jasper was still fuming, but tears were starting to form in his own eyes. This felt like another breakup in the making, and he didn’t know how to stop it now. “And you don’t want me, you want a version of me that you made up in your head -- because this is me.” He thumped his chest. “Yeah I’m conflicted, yeah I’m fucked up, yeah I have wants sometimes that don’t revolve around you. You don’t want any of that. I shouldn’t have told you anything. I shouldn’t even fucking be here anymore.” His voice cracked on the last word and he turned on his heel to walk away. This was a pointless conversation and he couldn’t handle it anymore.
Jules wondered if he was hearing himself, if he really couldn't see any of this from her point of view. She blinked when he started to walk away and it took her a moment to go after him, her hand reaching for his arm. "We're talking," she told him, somehow acutely aware that if she let him go, that would probably be the end of it, and she wasn't willing to do that yet. "Can you just stay? I never said you were the bad guy. I can't help it if it hurts that you want things I can't give you. I know you blame me for what I did, even if you know I had to do it. You told me what you were feeling and I let you go so you could figure it out. Maybe I'm fucked up too! Maybe I wanted to want things that didn't revolve around you too, and I tried it and it didn't work. You can't help certain things and neither can I. Look, I never said I was mad about what you did, or plan to do. I never said I was pissed. If I had been pissed, I wouldn't have wanted to get back together with you. You're the one yelling at me, you're the one who pissed at me. I've accepted all the shit that happened, even if it hurt, or I didn't like it."
Jules didn't know what else to say to make him understand. She had wanted him from the beginning, when they were both idiots and using each other for sex, through all of the rest. But it didn't feel like he felt the same anymore. "You're here because you belong here," she said quietly, forcing the words past the lump in her throat. "With or without me, you do."
Jasper hated so much that when one thing was wrong, everything felt so wrong, and he wanted to be back in that fog place. Life there had been reduced to the simple imperative to Survive, and he’d been doing that, he’d been succeeding. Wandering around the rotted version of home, dodging the monsters and going where he wanted, doing what he wanted ... it had felt powerful on some level. It had been hell, but he’d adapted, and maybe he belonged in hell. Here he was just another loser, having a public meltdown just like his grandfather used to do, before Jasper bashed his head in. Who was he fucking kidding with trying to live some normal life?