Aaron Lucas (thirdandlast) wrote in shadows_rpg, @ 2023-11-06 18:02:00 |
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Entry tags: | #july 2018, aaron, aaron x adrian, adrian |
Who: Aaron and Adrian
Where: Books and Beer
When:Thursday July 19th afternoon
Status: complete
It was surprisingly hard to get a person alone when they were in a relationship and no longer lived with him, but Adrian supposed he couldn't say much since he was practically glued to Kane whenever he could be. He'd only met Aaron with other people around this week and time just seemed to tick right past them, leaving him feeling more and more anxious about the secrets they'd shared at Aaron's bachelor's party. Mila hadn't mentioned anything or acted weird but he still couldn't help but worry that Aaron had let something slip. He had of course not told a soul about Aaron's secret, he had a hard time even processing it himself. He knew what he would do if it was a current occurrence, a threat still hovering, but this was old wounds that were Aaron's to bear and he really didn't know how he was supposed to approach the topic or if he even should at all.
He wasn't sure how it was already Thursday but he knew he needed to chat with Aaron and they needed to have that chat alone. So he texted him rather than drop by, fidgeting with his phone for a bit before firing off a quick Hey, think my sister will let you out long enough to have a drink with me? :)
He wasn't really planning on drinking anything with alcohol in it but meeting Aaron on neutral ground felt like a good idea, as long as it wasn't too public or crowded.
It was two days before his wedding, and Aaron had been pretty busy when he wasn’t working. Mila had done the bulk of the planning, because she was way better at all that stuff and knew what she wanted, but Aaron had tried to be as helpful as he could. There was a lot to do -- he’d had no idea that weddings were so much work! At least when you had to put it all together yourself and couldn’t pay someone else to do it all for you. They’d gotten lucky on a few big things, like the reception room they were going to have at the marina, but there were so many details. But he had his suit now, the person in charge of the music was arranged, the food was nailed down, most of it was ready. And Aaron’s nerves had started to kick in.
He’d been out running an errand when the text came through from Adrian, and Aaron’s stress level ticked up another notch. He’d seen Adrian since the bachelor party, but it had been while he was moving so they hadn’t been alone or had time to talk. Aaron had known this talk was coming, he’d just kind of hoped it would be after the wedding, but apparently Adrian wanted to get it out of the way. Or make sure Aaron wasn’t going to blab his secret around at the reception when all the families were together or something. Considering what Mila had told him the night before, Aaron wanted to talk to him too.
already out. Meet me @ books and beer? Aaron did not want to go to the Porch for this conversation, but he did want a beer, so he was fine with going to another establishment. Hopefully there wouldn’t be anybody there, this time of day.
Adrian wasn't even really in the mood for drinks, it was just something to suggest to get Aaron to meet him somewhere. Maybe he should have asked him to come over but that really implied they needed to have a serious talk or something so going for drinks was better. Books and Beer sounded great though, he could just have a coffee and enjoy the privacy of the booths there. So many people who came there had headphones and laptops and completely disappeared into their own worlds, if it wasn't busy it'd be like being alone.
See you there! he sent back and got up to start getting ready. If Aaron was already out and about, he didn't want him to have to wait.
They were lucky, Books and Beer wasn't busy today and Adrian had been right about the laptop people. He got a table in the corner and had just ordered himself a coffee when Aaron walked in. Adrian waved him over and tried to smile casually, but he was nervous too. It felt like he'd been putting this talk off, but he really hadn't been. Things had just been busy and overly crowded lately.
Aaron didn’t go to B&B much since he owned a competing establishment -- though the vibes in each place were way different. He would’ve been shocked to see anyone in the Porch with a book in their hand. This spot was definitely more hipster, but it was still a place they served beer. Aaron spotted Adrian in the booth and came over with a faint smile of his own, just in time to tell the waitress what he wanted. That done, he sat across from Adrian, rubbing his palms on his jeans as he settled in. “Hey,” Aaron said. He wasn’t sure if they should cut right to the chase or have some small talk first or what. “How’s the apartment so far?” he started with.
"It's great," Adrian said and smiled. "Got my bed, put it together, pretty sure that dad's pissed I didn't call him for help. Oh shit I already told you that." He tittered softly and realized just how nervous he was. "I've been wanting to talk to you," he mumbled. "But we should probably wait for the drinks to get here." He didn't want to be in the middle of a sensitive sentence when their waitress came back, nothing he wanted to talk to Aaron about was for others to hear. "How are you?" he concluded just so they wouldn't fall into awkward silence while they waited.
He nodded a bit, agreeing that they should get their order first before they got into it. Aaron knew exactly what Adrian wanted to talk about, but now he had other things he wanted to address too ... none of which he wanted the waitress to overhear. “M’alright,” he said, giving Adrian a wan smile. “Pretty busy, kinda tired. It was a rough sleep last night.” Both he and Mila had had nightmares, which had led to some uncomfortable revelations, involving the man sitting across from him. “How’s it going for you?” It was another vague filler question, but Aaron wasn’t sure what else to say until their beverages were in front of them.
Adrian frowned at the rough sleep thing, it was something he'd expect once the baby was born and he almost joked that they just missed having him around. "I'm good, just been working, buying some stuff for the kitchen." He could tell Aaron he'd also been hanging out with Kane, it wasn't a secret between them anymore, but just the thought of saying it - sober - made him feel very awkward so he avoided it for now. "Got a good pan, I'll have to cook for you guys at my place when I have everything I need, a little house warming." Aaron did look a little tired, maybe even a little sad but Adrian hoped it was just lack of sleep.
“Yeah that’d be nice,” Aaron nodded with another of those small smiles. He couldn’t dredge up much more enthusiasm than that, the weight of what they needed to talk about already on him. Aaron wasn’t really used to frank-but-respectful serious conversations, he and his other brothers would probably be cursing at one another by now. With that kind of background, it wasn’t easy to relax at the moment. Luckily their waitress returned with Adrian’s coffee and Aaron’s beer and told them both to enjoy. Aaron took a long drink right away, then quirked his brows at Adrian. “So,” he murmured, and left it at that. Adrian had done the reaching out, he could start.
"Thanks for not telling Mila," Adrian said, his own secret easier to deal with. "I know it's not fair and... I'm going to talk to her." It was frightening but he didn't really trust Aaron wouldn't say something and he might even have said something already and Mila was the one keeping a secret now. He didn't get a sheepish look on his face at Adrian's words so Adrian just hoped that meant he hadn't. "And uh, yeah." He let out a nervous little titter and shrugged. What else could he say about that? He wished he had a book's worth because Aaron's secret was so much worse and he didn't know if Aaron was ready to talk about it. "Been wanting to talk to you, it's just been crazy, hasn't it?" He sipped his coffee, kind of wishing it was alcohol so he could just be stupid and drunk again but it wouldn't suit the occasion.
Aaron hadn’t said anything yet, but he was glad to hear Adrian say he would come out to her. He didn’t like lying to Mila, and this was a big enough thing that just not saying anything felt like lying. If Mila had known something like this about one of his brothers, Aaron would’ve wanted her to tell him. He was sure Adrian understood that. “Yeah, it’s been crazy for sure,” he echoed, taking another sip of his beer. Aaron set it down and licked his bottom lip. “I haven’t told her, but you’re right, you should. She’d be pissed at me for knowing and not telling her. Just like now I’m kinda pissed at you for knowing somethin’ and not telling me.” His tone was a little flat, but he tried not to sound pissed. Aaron wasn’t mad enough to really fight about this, but he needed to say something now, or he might work himself up to that level.
Adrian looked down in an admittance of shame because of course he knew exactly what Aaron was talking about. He wished he could say it had been hard to not tell him, but it really hadn't. He'd just put this piece of knowledge about his niece to the side and hoped it wasn't anything serious. Mila wasn't exactly fully human herself either, or at the very least she had some supernatural abilities, and Adrian? Well he was just cursed. "So you had a talk, huh," he said quietly and added more sugar to his coffee because it suddenly didn't seem sweet enough. Or maybe he just had a bad taste in his mouth. "She wanted to tell you herself. You get it, right?"
“Yeah, but she didn’t. Not until I had the worst dream I ever had, about our baby being born some kinda demon,” Aaron said. His heart rate had started to pick up, a bit of that anger he’d suppressed the night before in front of Mila rising to the surface. Aaron took a breath and looked away for a second. “I get it. From both of you, I get it. It just sucks. She’s my daughter too, I’d carry her if I could, and I deserved to know.” A little tremor snuck into his voice and he sat back with his beer. “So tell me now, what can you feel about it? Is it ... is it bad? Worse than you told her?”
"What?" Adrian asked, visibly surprised and quick to reply after that. "No, I can't feel shit. She's just a normal baby as far as I'm concerned, I wouldn't even know something was different if Mila hadn't told me." He'd had nightmares about his niece but they were usually a part of his fear of becoming a monster and hurting his family. His brain had spared him the worst of it, it was always just looming fear and the sound of a baby crying like the night he'd woken up starving and cold in the cemetery, him running away from it, paralyzed with the fear he was about to do something horrible. He sure as shit wasn't going to tell Aaron about that though, if he felt like he was slipping, he'd make Kane take him far out in the woods and chain him up somewhere - if talking to Caius again didn't help. "Listen, Mila says she's different but Mila isn't scared, so you shouldn't be either. We're all weird now, we've all been through some shit. That baby is going to be beautiful and I know you're gonna raise her right."
Aaron’s brow furrowed at the first part -- he must have misunderstood Mila. It had been late and they’d both been shaken up, maybe he heard wrong. Or he just didn’t get it, because he wasn’t weird like them. He’d been through some shit, but it hadn’t given him any special powers or insights, it had just made his life worse. For a moment he felt left out and pouty about it, even though he knew that was stupid. Their weirdness made them suffer too, he knew that. But it was like a club he wasn’t in, and he’d be different from his little girl. Less, somehow. “I thought you could like, hear her,” he muttered, then nodded a bit, not looking quite convinced. Of course she would be beautiful and he would do anything and everything for her, but he was still scared. Both Mila and Adrian had tried and threatened to kill him, so maybe he had reason to be. “I can’t not be scared, though. I’ll prob’ly be scared the rest of my fucking life, everything’s so fucked up.” He was scared for Mila and the baby, scared for himself, scared for the whole family -- bad shit kept happening to them, over and over. Why would it stop now?
"I heard her heartbeat, Aaron," Adrian told him with a faint smile. "First time I didn't even know what the fuck I was hearing, I thought Mila brought a hamster along to save me or something." It was a desperate attempt to get a smile out of Aaron but he wasn't holding his breath here. "She sounds like a healthy baby, only Mila has noticed anything at all." He didn't think his sister was wrong but maybe she was, that baby was a part of her and she'd been through so much trauma - maybe she was conflating her own PTSD with what the child represented. "She might be completely human and normal, Mila might be misreading her. She's inside her, how easy can it be, you know?"
He didn’t smile. It was kind of unusual for him, but Aaron wasn’t in the mood to smile about anything. There had been horror after horror for the longest time, it seemed like, and if that horror had actually reached this baby that they both wanted so badly ... Aaron didn’t know what he would do. Certainly not what he’d dreamed about, but even having to think about it was scary and depressing. “The doctor said she was growing really fast,” he murmured, picking at the label on his beer with his thumbnail. “So I dunno.” Not trusting Mila’s power to tell when someone was Different didn’t seem like the answer either. He knew he should probably just shut up and buck up about it, accept the family he was given ... it was all supposed to be part of God’s plan, right? Maybe this little girl needed them as parents, or something. That was easier said than done though, and he felt stuck just sitting there and feeling scared and shitty.
Adrian didn't know exactly what was going on in Aaron's head but he could guess some of it, or at least project his own worries onto the man. "Aaron," he said gently. "I was a monster when I came back, I attacked you, I hurt people. You and Mila pretty much loved me back to humanity. If your little girl is born different, she'll still be your little girl, you'll still love her to death and with you and Mila as her parents, how is she gonna go wrong?" He worried at his lip for a moment, just watching Aaron before adding a quiet, "You are not your dad."
Aaron’s eyes ticked from the middle distance to Adrian’s face and his jaw flexed as the horror of his father’s ruined face flashed through his mind. It was always the first thing he saw when he thought of Joseph, and Aaron didn’t know if that would ever change. Part of him wanted to protest that if she was different, it was because of the tunnel, and that thing was pure evil. But Mila had soaked in it all and she wasn’t evil. Not anymore, at least. So Aaron wanted to believe Adrian, that she would turn out all right no matter what. “Good thing, too,” he muttered, and rubbed the back of his wrist against his nose. He sighed. “I hope you’re right. We’ll just ... do our best. And not let anyone hurt her. You’ll help with that, right?”
"Hell yeah, I will!" Adrian said enthusiastically. "I'm her uncle, I already love her to the edge of the universe and back, you know that. If anything threatens her I'll take it out." He could at least say that confidently, his own memories flashing in his mind of the monster he had taken down with his bare hands and the one he would have, if the forest itself hadn't beat him to it. "You and Mila are gonna have to deal with other parents and kids, I'm better equipped to deal with monsters," he added sheepishly because super strength wasn't exactly a good method to use against other people.
He smiled faintly at that reaction, at least, it was so immediate and confident. His baby girl would at least have more protection than he had. Aaron had a few aunts and uncles, but none of them had been very around, growing up. And none of them had saved them from Joseph. Aaron knew he was very different from his father already, but if something went wrong in his brain and he did turn horrible, he wanted to know that his daughter had people who would rescue her. “She’s gonna need that too, probably, growing up here,” he said with a rueful smile. Aaron honestly didn’t mind the idea of Adrian ripping anyone apart who fucked with his little girl, but he knew that wasn’t rational. “I just want her more looked after than we were.”
"She's so loved already," Adrian told him. "She has a big network and I bet it'll just grow from here." He had no idea if Aaron's brothers were going to rise to the occasion but the women in Aaron's family and the entirety of Mila's family were already invested in this baby. Not to mention the whole congregation if his moving day was an indication. He didn't really want that for his niece, hoped she'd never have to rely on their charity because it came with so many strings but it was there if she needed it. "Did you see all the people who showed up for me on Monday?" He said with a faint smile. "And I'm not even tiny and cute, man." It was light hearted but he didn't want to diminish Aaron's worries or hurt feelings so his smile faltered a little and he added a quiet, "I'm really sorry I couldn't tell you anything."
Aaron planned to have their daughter baptized in the church, so she would have a church family too, and he was unaware of any resistance to that idea from either Mila or Adrian. It just seemed natural to him, and everybody could use more community, right? He hadn’t been shocked at all to see so many people turning up to help Adrian move. Mrs. Moretti was an active church member and a lot of people loved their family. A lot of people also probably thought Mila was crazy to marry into the Lucas clan, and would judge the shit out of her for getting pregnant out of wedlock, but oh well. Every community came with good and bad. “It’s okay,” Aaron answered, though it was more of an automatic reply than anything. “I know Mila comes first to you, and she said not to tell, and ... I get that. I just ... my whole life, people keep stuff from me, like I’m too stupid to handle it or now what to do or whatever. It just sucks. I just want ... I dunno, I thought it’d be better. With you. Than my other brothers.” He shrugged a bit, that was probably of him to expect, Adrian wasn’t his blood.
"Ooph, easy on the guilt hammer," Adrian groaned, raising his hand as if to defend himself. "I'm already down, man." He lowered his hand again and smiled faintly at Aaron, not terribly eager to drag the conversation down even more but this was a perfect opening for just that. "You're keeping secrets too, though." He almost wished he could take it back the moment he said it, there was no part of him that wanted to talk about what Aaron had told him, but he also couldn't just act like he'd forgotten it. "I know they don't - they're none of our business, not like your daughter to you, but... They're still..." He took another sip of his coffee when words failed him. It was almost too sweet.
Aaron immediately felt bad for making him feel guilty -- which could turn into a never-ending cycle if they weren’t careful. He probably should’ve kept his mouth shut about the whole thing. He could practically hear Joseph telling him he was obviously too dumb to know when the shut the fuck up. Then Adrian brought up what he had been pretty sure would be brought up again at some point, and Aaron’s cheeks got hot, his gaze dropping again. Yes, it was a secret, but it was an old one, nothing to be done about it, and it wasn’t worth making a big deal out of. He wasn’t blameless in it all anyway, he’d been a very affection-starved kid and it wasn’t like he’d said no to anything. “I shouldn’t have told you about that,” he muttered. “Sorry. Just forget it.”
"Aaron," Adrian said quietly, grateful for the privacy of their table. "You were abused, that's not something you just forget." Did he even realize that's what it was? Adrian thought he did on some level, there had been anguish in his eyes even if he hid it with a smile and a shrug and talked about it like a silly love affair. That just meant it was a dangerous ground to tread on and the last thing Adrian wanted to do was to trigger something Aaron couldn't deal with. But he wasn't going to lie to him either or act like it was okay. Just the thought of shrugging it off made him feel a little queasy. "You never told anyone before?"
He’d been abused in a lot of ways by quite a few people in his young life, and what the babysitter had done to Aaron hadn’t seemed that bad compared to the drunken asshole of a father who screamed at him all the time and beat up his brothers, and the mother who tried to sweep everything under the rug all the time. Of course some of what they’d done had hurt and felt weird in the beginning, but the woman had learned how to make it feel good for him and give him the right kind of attention to keep him coming back to give her whatever she wanted. It was so weird that Aaron could barely remember her face now and had completely forgotten her name, but he knew exactly what she smelled like. He shook his head a little and kept picking at the label on his beer. “What would they do anyway? Dad would just call me a liar and smack me around, probably. Mom never listened to us when we needed help ... it’s fine. It didn’t like, fuck me up or anything.”
Adrian knew damn well how messed up the Lucas family was. He hadn't seen it up close and personal but he'd lived right next door, heard some of the commotion and seen those bruises and casts. He wasn't about to tell Aaron that he was fucked up or anything but no matter how fine he pretended to be, Adrian knew he wasn't. Again, it was tricky territory and he didn't want to make the damage worse somehow by saying the wrong thing. "Maybe not," he said skeptically. "But it was still fucked up and you didn't deserve that. You deserved to have someone who listened to you and put a stop to it and it's not fair that you didn't." He frowned, not so sure he was the right person to be talking to Aaron about this but there wasn't anyone else. "You do now though, you got people who love you, even if some of them are a bit... emotionally constipated."
Very rarely had the thought crossed Aaron’s mind that it had been a terrible thing that he needed help with even as an adult -- whenever strange feelings about it surfaced, he just smothered them again. Most of the time it was easy, but apparently it had been more on the surface of his mind lately, probably because of him becoming a father soon. Aaron could think it ‘wasn’t that bad’ about himself, but the very notion of anybody touching his little girl before she came of age and was ready for it filled him with a crazy rage. Maybe that said something he didn’t quite want to face.
He tried to consider telling his brothers and more shame bubbled in his chest. He could only see them both being awkward as hell about it, Gavin maybe giving him an uncomfortable hug, Caden asking him why the fuck he was talking about it now. Kat would probably be nice, but he didn’t want to burden her with it. And Mila ... what if she looked at him different? What if she suddenly didn’t trust him anymore with the baby? Aaron knew that didn’t make sense, but that was where his fear went when he thought about it. “I dunno ... it was so long ago, what’s the point?” he said after a long pause, glancing at Adrian and then away again. He wished his neck and face would cool down. “And I like ... wanted it, at the time. So it’s my fault too.”
Just the idea that a child could be at fault for something like that made Adrian's temper flash hot and he clenched his jaw as he shook his head, trying not to snap at the actual victim in the situation. This was different from dealing with it at work, this was someone he cared about and it was hard to bring up the caring nurse demeanor when he wanted to yell at Aaron, as if somehow he might reach his abuser through him. "You were a kid. It doesn't matter if it felt good or if you wanted to try it. You were a kid. A child, Aaron. She shouldn't have touched you, even if you asked her to." And if Aaron had been asking an adult for it - before she conditioned him to - that meant it had happened before.
Ugh, he just wanted the floor to open up and swallow him. It was one thing to have those memories in his head, popping up every so often to make him feel weird, it was another to have someone else trying to break it down to him. Aaron could hear the tension in Adrian’s voice and it made him want to yell and cry at the same time. His jaw clenched rhythmically and his thumbnail ripped halfway through the wet bottle label in one go. He didn’t even want the beer anymore, he wanted to leave. He didn’t say anything for a long moment, not trusting his voice not to tremble and break. Aaron didn’t want to cry here, in front of Adrian, about something so old and stupid and unchangeable. “Are you gonna tell Mila?” he finally muttered.
"Fuck no," Adrian said sharply but it was all tension and no ill will and he caught himself, dropping his gaze for a moment. "No," he said in a gentler tone. "If anyone tells her it's you and you don't have to if you're not ready." He rested his arms on the table after nudging his cup of coffee aside, shoulders hunched as he leaned in a little closer. "I'm sorry, I don't really know how to talk about this. I mean, I've had this stuff come up at work and then I can put on a good nurse face before I go get a counselor. You're not some random stranger, you're practically my brother now and that makes this personal. We don't have to talk about this, I just... I want, no I need you to know none of it was your fault."
Aaron didn’t like talking about it at all, and the thought of talking to a counselor about it made his stomach churn. He wasn’t a kid anymore, but that same kid-fear of being in trouble with his dad surfaced like some swamp monster. Joseph probably would’ve broken his arm, or worse, if he’d ever talked to a counselor at school about anything that went on in their house. Everybody knew, but none of the Lucas kids ever confided in any other adults, because they knew better. Adrian wasn’t even suggesting he go straight to therapy or anything, but old fears died hard. Aaron didn’t feel like none of it was his fault, because he’d been so eager for any kind of positive attention back then. He’d crawled into her lap more than once of his own volition. It was hard to shake the shame of being complicit in it, even if he knew in his head Adrian was right. “I dunno how to talk about it either,” Aaron said. “So let’s not, okay? Thanks for ... for trying to be supportive. Sorry, I just ... I can’t.”
Adrian wasn't about to force him to talk about it but he kind of wished Aaron wanted to - not with him, but someone who knew how to deal with childhood trauma and its effects on an adult. "Yeah, man, I don't blame you," he said quietly and couldn't help but feel kind of useless. "Telling me was a big deal, just... Yeah we don't have to talk about it, just don't blame yourself, okay?" He almost brought up Aaron's daughter as some kind of an example but changed his mind last second. It probably wouldn't even register the same to Aaron, little girls getting abused was common and frowned upon while boys getting abused - by women, especially - was a weird tricky area. Boys were considered naturally hornier than girls and hell, maybe that applied if the boy in question was an actual teenager, but Aaron had been just a child. Still, it was all wrong on so many levels.
“Okay,” Aaron agreed, because agreeing was easier than being honest about his feelings around it all. Apparently those were wrong. But neither of them were going to fix it sitting there over a beer. A beer and a coffee, whatever. He hadn’t meant to tell Adrian in the first place, he hadn’t intended to ever tell anyone at all ... probably much like Adrian hadn’t meant to come out to him in the fucking Cherries bathroom, of all places. They weren’t really comparable secrets, but Aaron’s resolve to keep Adrian’s to himself was even stronger now, since Adrian was doing the same for him. He just hoped Adrian would come out soon, at least to Mila. Aaron tipped his beer back to drink the last of it, then set it down again. “I’m glad you’re gonna be my brother,” he said with a nod. “What you told me doesn’t change any of that. And it won’t for Mila either, if you’re worried about it. She loves you no matter what, you know.”
Adrian wasn't naive enough to think that his words would make Aaron a-okay with everything but he still said it, and he still hoped that with time maybe it might sink in. He winced a little when Aaron brought up the gay thing, even if he kind of saw it coming. They were here to discuss secrets and his own felt so petty in comparison to Aaron's. Of course he knew Mila wouldn't disown him or do anything crazy if she knew, he wasn't even really sure what he was so terrified of - or he did, he just couldn't fully explain it with words. "She's my little sister," he said softly. "And she always looked up to me - when she wasn't busy hating me for totally legitimate reasons, anyway." He smiled faintly, guessing Aaron knew exactly what that was about. Sibling relationships were the weirdest relationships in existence, all the antagonizing, bickering, teasing and love. "I'm just, I don't want her to see me differently, look at me differently. I don't want her to... I don't wanna become someone else to her." Saying it out loud didn't really cover how he felt, it just felt stupid and he could already guess what he'd say if someone said those words to him. That didn't make the feeling go away. "I'm gonna talk to her though. Soon. I promise."
Aaron could understand all that, even if he knew it was silly to think Mila would look at Adrian differently in any bad way. She would definitely stop trying to encourage him to go on awkward dates with women. No wonder he and Kat hadn’t hit it off. Besides the fact that they were about to be related by marriage and that was a little weird in hindsight. He felt the same way about his own secret -- he didn’t want anyone to look at him differently, and he knew deep down they all would. Aaron didn’t want to be seen as some poor victim. So he nodded a bit to indicate that he got it. “You can’t become someone else, you’re all you, all the time. So ... if you want her to really know you ... and I know she would want to know. When you’re ready, I mean. Maybe after the wedding, just so she doesn’t like, feel overwhelmed,” he suggested. They were only a few days out and Aaron didn’t want anything to disrupt their nuptials. It was going to be their day. “Your guy though, he’s treatin’ you good?” Aaron asked, quirking a brow and smiling a little. “You’re about to have a brother, I’ll beat his ass if he’s not.”
After the wedding. That was probably a good idea, if Aaron could keep a secret a little longer. Adrian smiled at the question and nodded, Kane was treating him real good in every which way. The idea of Aaron trying to take him on was kind of funny, no doubt Aaron could hold his own but Kane would easily take him in a fight. "No need for an ass kicking," he mumbled coyly and felt the need to look around to make sure their table was still very private. He knew it was dumb even when he was doing it but it just couldn't be helped, the topic still made him feel paranoid. He also recognized this for what it was - Aaron changing the topic to something less uncomfortable and Adrian was more than willing to go with it. "I'm still trying to wrap my head around you knowing this."
Aaron knew nothing about Adrian’s boyfriend except what he looked like and that he’d helped Mila out on the side of the road when she’d really needed it. That made Aaron inclined to like him, but he’d known enough shitty people in his life to know they could still sometimes do good things. Nobody was all bad all the time. So he hoped that Adrian was getting to know him and finding that he was a good dude. Adrian deserved to be with a good dude, if that was his taste. Aaron didn’t think he was any particular badass or anything, but he’d been in a lot of fights, and he was always the de facto bouncer of the bar whenever Caden wasn’t there, so Aaron was pretty confident and he would defend his family if they needed it. “I bet it’s weird, right?” Aaron offered with a small smile. “I can shut up about it if you want. I’m just ... curious, you know?”
Adrian realized with some embarrassment that he did want Aaron to shut up about it, it just felt wrong to have these two worlds meeting and he kind of wanted to tell Aaron that he wasn't actually having sex or anything, he was just... homoromantic. What a laugh that was, because he sure as fuck wasn't. "It's okay," he lied. "I'm just used to keeping everything contained in separate corners so it's a little weird." He still didn't know why he'd blurted it out like he had, he couldn't even remember the context anymore, just that sinking feeling as that one forbidden word came spilling out of his mouth. He really didn't want to know what exactly Aaron was curious about, hopefully nothing to do with the actual sex and everything to do with if Kane was good enough for him in other ways. He probably wasn't, but he was. It was complicated. "I'm just worried my mom will have a heart attack if she finds out," he added. Bringing moms into it took talking about sex off the table.
He was curious about the sex, how it all worked, how it compared to sex with women. Aaron had never found himself attracted to other men, he wasn’t that kind of curious, but he hadn’t really been friends with gay people before, at least none that he knew of, so he’d had no one to ask. He’d had some dumb homophobic opinions in high school that he’d grown out of, and he was especially glad for that now -- obviously even guys like Adrian could be gay. But Aaron was also grown up enough to know not to ask those kinds of personal questions unless Adrian invited it, because it definitely wasn’t any of his fucking business. He was absolutely sure Adrian didn’t want to hear anything about his sex life either, because of Mila, so that just wasn’t something they were going to chat about. He winced a little and nodded at the last part, then shrugged gently after he thought about it for a second. “I dunno, if she didn’t have one when you came back from the dead, maybe her heart’s stronger than you think. Mila would totally help you tell her, too. Just saying.”
Adrian pursed his lips in a skeptical expression and shook his head slowly. No, nope, no. That was all he could think when he tried to even imagine telling his mother. It was better for everyone involved if he stayed in the closet until she died, even if she lived to be a hundred. "It's one thing to reclaim your kid from death and a whole other ball game to find out he's a sodomite heading straight to hell. The last thing I wanna do is make my mom cry every day for a year or two." Or three. Or ten. He shuddered at the thought and in comparison to that, telling Mila wasn't daunting at all.
There was that, Aaron supposed, and he looked sympathetic. He’d spent some time with Maria Moretti now and while he got the impression she was putting on a good face for Mila’s sake, Aaron thought she still didn’t like him much. His own mother was pretty religious, even more now that Joseph was gone and didn’t mock her for going to church so much, and she would probably be upset if any of her kids came out of the closet too. Aaron didn’t point out the irony of Adrian saying that when he’d pretended to be dead for years, he just nodded a bit. “I hear you. Whatever you think, man, it’s your life,” Aaron said. It wasn’t his place to push Adrian into anything, just like the other way around with his own secret. “I just want you to be happy, and I’m positive Mila will too.”
"Logically, like thinking wise, I think Mila will be okay with it," Adrian said with a sigh. "But I can't shake that feeling she won't be, I just keep picturing her face all... Disappointed. Even if she says it's cool and she understands. So yeah, after the wedding sometime, I don't wanna put her in a bad mood on what's supposed to be one of the happiest days of her life. I just want you guys to be happy too." It was somewhat of a relief as he'd been psyching himself up to telling her this week and now he had more of a buffer, a little more time before he had to drop the bomb. "I never thought it'd be an issue, you know. For a while I just pictured settling down with some nice girl, having kids and keeping this whole thing under wraps."
“No way, man,” Aaron said with a little laugh. He didn’t want to make light of it, that just sounded ridiculous to his ears. “I would never like, make myself marry a guy, if that was what people expected. Don’t make yourself miserable for other people, dude.” He himself was marrying a nice girl and having kids, but that was what Aaron wanted. He truly loved Mila, and she made him horny, which was important in a relationship. Marrying somebody who didn’t make him horny, just to please his mom, sounded like an awful decision. “I get what you’re sayin’, but I know her pretty damn well, and I can’t see her bein’ disappointed. You’re just worried, is all. You’ll see. Whenever it’s time.”
Before Kane, Adrian hadn't really had a big problem with the idea of pretending to be straight. If he met some girl he actually liked enough to be close friends with, the rest would fall into place. He'd been so sure. Now though, now he knew what he'd be really missing and how it wouldn't be fair - not on him or her - faking it. Everyone deserved the real thing and he'd be depriving this hypothetical wife of her happiness. It wouldn't be the same as high school when he'd been a good little catholic dating a nice catholic girl. "I can see her being disappointed," he murmured about Mila. "I've seen her disappointed, sulky, furious even. I deserved every one of her sulky moods too. If you were, you know... Could you tell your siblings? Your little sister?"
He was sure Adrian knew what Mila was like when she was upset or in a terrible mood, but that didn’t mean that mood would be aimed at him for being gay. Aaron felt so sure about it, Mila wasn’t a bigot ... but maybe he was wrong? Adrian had known her for her whole life, after all. Maybe she’d gone on homophobic rants that Aaron had just never heard. It was weird to think there were aspects of the woman he was about to marry that he didn’t know yet, and he didn’t like doubting her. It made him more tempted to bring it up first, to gauge her reaction, but Aaron had promised he wouldn’t. “I’d tell Kat,” he answered without hesitation, nodding a bit. “Me and her have always been close, and she would be nice about it. My brothers though ...” Aaron winced a bit. “They probably wouldn’t even like, wanna know. We don’t talk about shit like that. What do you think Mila would be disappointed about though? You can still get married, you can adopt kids if you want ‘em ... that she just won’t get a sister someday? She’s getting Kat, she’s got Roxy ... there’s Charlie now, and uh ... well, Shan probably won’t last long, but you know. There’s plenty of girls around.”
Oh if it was that simple, Adrian thought with a wan smile. He knew on some level that it was his own internalized homophobia fucking with him, gay men were a certain way and once he came out of the closet people would start looking for signs in him, a limp wrist, a little lisp, love for gossip, a heightened fashion sense? He knew that wasn't him and it wasn't even like he disliked those traits in other guys, it was just that damn heterosexual standard that he still felt like he had to live up to. And he wasn't like that. And what if he was? If he burst out in rainbow flames, would Kane still want him? That wasn't a rational fear since he wasn't suppressing any such things but societal rules had a way of fucking with a guy's head. "It's... hard to explain," he said and there was no way Aaron would get it. He was straight, he probably never thought about how he was representing, how he walked, how he moved. He had other problems for sure, but Adrian highly doubted self image was one of them. "People just get weird about that stuff." Including him.
Aaron huffed a little and gave a sad shake of his head. “Man, people get weird about almost everything,” he muttered in agreement. “It sucks.” He didn’t expect to fully get it, he just wanted to help, but that was probably impossible. He and Adrian had a good relationship for what it was, but they weren’t exactly besties, and it wasn’t like anybody came to him for advice anyway. Adrian obviously didn’t want to have an in-depth conversation about it, so Aaron had to accept that and let it go, he supposed. And keep Adrian’s secret, then act surprised whenever he actually did come out to Mila. Aaron knew he was a bad actor, but maybe she would be too distracted to notice. He rubbed his palms against his jeans and sat back, glancing around them again. The place was still slow and quiet. “So uh ... guess I’ll see you on Saturday then? You comin’ with your mom and dad?”
"Nah, I'll meet them there," Adrian replied and he just knew his parents were wishing he'd bring a date. A girl. The look on their faces if he actually brought Kane... "Your brother's got everything covered? You need anything before the big day?" It was wild to think the wedding was right around the corner and he hadn't even gotten them a wedding present yet. Maybe Kane would be willing to go shopping with him - or maybe this was something he needed to do on his own. He felt shy about bringing up the wedding to Kane, like he was being a douche for not inviting him. Kane understood though, at least Adrian hoped he really did.
“Nah, I think it’s all handled,” Aaron said, then gave a wan smile. “Mila might give you a different answer though, if you ask her.” She’d done an amazing job with planning this wedding, Aaron knew it was going to be awesome and go off without a hitch. He was pretty sure, anyway. “But I’m all good, man. You’re welcome to swing by the house beforehand if you wanna, that’s where we’ll be, getting ready. Mila’s stayin’ the night with your parents.” He was pretty sure only Gavin was going to be hanging around keeping him company while he got ready, so having Adrian there too might be nice. Possibly awkward for them, but it was Aaron’s day, so he was trying not to fret about inconveniencing anyone.
"Yeah, absolutely, unless Mila wants me there for whatever reason," Adrian said and smiled. It'd be nice to kind of be part of the wedding party and not just show up as a guest - even if he had no official role. Hanging out with Gavin didn't even seem that daunting, he was starting to get a read on the guy and either he was getting better at dealing with grumpy men or Gavin had loosened up a little. Maybe both. "Pretty sure Mila will have her girls with her so... Yeah, I'll swing on by. Make sure you don't get cold feet." He gave Aaron a little wink, not worried about that for a second. Doing a run for it on the wedding day was for the movies and for crazy people and he was pretty sure that he didn't know anyone who was that kind of crazy.
This was Aaron’s first wedding, of course, but he’d always kind of felt like immediate family was part of it, even if they weren’t standing up front with the bride and groom. If Adrian wanted to come hang out with him and Gavin -- and possibly Caden, though Aaron wasn’t betting on him turning up early -- then that would be awesome. Aaron knew they all probably wouldn’t be besties, but he wanted the two sides of his family to get along. They’d been neighbors for years, after all, and now they were going to be in laws. Aaron blew some air out through his lips and chuckled, shaking his head. “Hell no, no cold feet here. I can’t fuckin’ wait,” he said with a bright smile. “So yeah, come on over, have a drink and get ready with us.” The getting dressed part would take all of ten minutes, probably, but Aaron wanted to make sure he looked good for his bride, so the more sets of eyes checking him over, the better.
Adrian returned his smile, glad they'd landed on something cheerful after that heavy time together. "Shit, you're getting married," he said, beaming at Aaron. "That's so great, man. You're so good for Mila, I love you guys together." Definitely a better topic than closeted homosexuality and childhood trauma, no wonder people loved weddings and any reasons to celebrate, really. They all desperately needed it. "I'm not drinking until after the reception though," he added. "I wanna be awake and see it all go down."
“Aw yeah, your lightweight ass,” Aaron answered with a grin of his own. He was teasing, of course, he knew Adrian couldn’t help it. He could still toast with them. What he said made Aaron feel really good too, that approval meant a lot to him. His own family didn’t get too hyped about his wedding -- he knew Caden still had his reservations about Mila, and Gavin didn’t really get hyped about anything. Kat was happy for him, at least. “But thanks, man, I’m so relieved you don’t hate me.” Aaron laughed a bit, but he meant it. “I dunno what the fuck is wrong with other guys, I can’t wait to be married. I love her so fucking much.”
Adrian had hated him for a brief moment when he thought he had hurt Mila, he still felt guilty about that night yet at the same time he couldn't really blame himself for it. His sister missing, everyone pointing at Aaron. Better not to think about it and focus instead on the good that had followed the nightmare. "She loves you too," he said even if he knew Aaron was well aware - or he should be - and didn't need telling. He knew it felt good to hear it and he wondered if one day someone would tell him the same thing about Kane. He didn't need to be told, he felt it in every fiber of his being. When they were apart the doubt wasn't as bad, too much had happened for that. "Two days... Man time creeps up on us." Maybe he'd stop by Mila's before he went to Aaron's, just to kiss her good luck and say hi.
Aaron would never get tired of hearing that Mila loved him, no matter the source. She told him all the time, but it was extra awesome to hear it from other people too, like it was obvious just by looking at them ... or Mila spoke about it often enough for it to stick in people’s minds. He gave a pleased grin and nodded. “Crazy, right? Seems like just yesterday it was still months away, you know? But it’s almost here, we’re doin’ it,” he said. They would do it unless Mila got cold feet and didn’t show up at the altar, but Aaron didn’t think that was likely to happen at all. They were both ready to start this family and welcome their little girl into the world the right way. God, he just loved them both so fucking much. Aaron almost teased Adrian about trying to catch the bouquet and be the next one married, but considering how reluctant he was to even come out to Mila, maybe that wasn’t a good joke. “Before you know it, you’ll be an uncle, too.”
"I can't wait," Adrian replied with a smile and then it kind of hit him how weird it was that Aaron was already an uncle, like it just registered what that really meant right then. "Have you enjoyed it?" he asked. "I know they're all grown up now and... yeah, weird circumstances but like, when they were little?" He knew Aaron and Gavin weren't exactly close and Gavin's ex was apparently a sociopath. Man, the Lucas family didn't have a lot of healthy history, did it? It would be different now. Adrian was close to both his niece's parents, he'd be seeing a lot of that little girl unless life threw another curveball at him and he chose to believe that it wouldn't.
His head tilted a bit as he nodded, one eye squinting briefly. “I have, but like ... they’ve had it rough, man. You know, Gavin was so young when Jasper came along, I was still pretty much a kid myself ... so he’s always kinda been more like a little-little brother? But I love him to death. Amelia too. Their mom was just a nutjob and my brother wasn’t a great dad at fuckin’ sixteen. And then what happened with Amelia ... we all missed her growing up. It’s hard to say I even really know her now, you know?” Aaron looked a little pained about that. He really needed to spend more purposeful time with her, it was just so weird and he’d had a lot going on himself. “But I’d do anything for ‘em. I’m not a dad yet, but I hope it feels like that. And I wanna do better by my girl. I sure as hell know a lot of what not to do.”
"Hey," Adrian said softly. "You're going to be great. First of all, you're not sixteen, that part really helps. Second, you want this kid and Mila's not a nutjob so you already have a much better start than your brother did. Just don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it. Takes a village and all that." He didn't have a whole lot of experience with babies but he'd gotten some on the job and he knew he could help out with other things as well - cooking, cleaning, whatever needed doing. Aaron and Mila had months ahead of them where they were going to be exhausted.
“Yeah, I know, and I will,” Aaron said with a little smile. He knew they were going to need a lot of help, especially since he couldn’t take a very long break from work without taking a big dip in pay. His brothers would help out to a point, but they couldn’t float his whole income for months. It felt really nice to hear someone besides Mila have faith in him, too. All Aaron wanted in life now was to be a good dad and husband and take care of his family, and he knew just having those sincere desires set him apart from the other Lucas men. He hoped his genes wouldn’t sneak up on him and ruin it all down the line. “I know we’re gonna need it.” Their whole lives were about to change, and Aaron was honestly excited for it.
Adrian had work too of course, but he had good stamina in general and when his niece was old enough he was absolutely babysitting to make sure her parents were getting some rest. It made him think of Kane and he couldn't help but wonder if he had any experience with babies at all. He'd had a whole life Adrian knew nothing about, really, but it didn't seem like he'd really been close to anyone doing the whole family thing. Imagining Kane holding a tiny baby was interesting to say the least and he wasn't sure how it made him feel other than weird. "So, do you need anything before the big day?" he asked, mostly to distract himself from these thoughts. "You know I'm here for you."
Aaron shook his head after a moment’s thought. He was sure there were last minute things he was forgetting about, but he wasn’t good at recalling things on the spot, so nothing was coming to mind. “All the major stuff is done for sure,” he said. “So I’m good. Maybe ask Mila too though.” Aaron’s tone turned a bit amused. He was sure that Adrian would do that anyway, but he didn’t mind admitting that he didn’t know everything. She was the mastermind behind the wedding, pretty much. “Thanks though, if I think of anything I’ll call you.” It was probably fucked up that he felt like he would get more help from someone who wasn’t even a relative yet than his own brothers, but that was life. Aaron pulled his wallet out and nodded at Adrian’s coffee. “I got this, by the way.”
Adrian almost protested, babies and weddings were expensive after all, but he'd only had a coffee and that was cheap so he wasn't going to undermine Aaron on this one. "This once," he said with a smile. "Thanks. And thanks for meeting me, it was a good talk." It had been an awful talk but it was good to get it out of their system and come to some conclusions, however temporary they might be. "You heading home after this?" he added, not wanting to linger on what they'd been talking about before. The little meet-up was coming to an end and he preferred ending it on a light note.
He felt like there were a bunch of people doing things for him already, and even though Adrian had asked for this conversation, Aaron wanted to treat him. It was maybe also a subtle apology for saddling Adrian with his secret. A cup of coffee didn’t make up for that, but it was something, for now. He tossed enough cash on the table to cover their drinks and a tip, then nodded at Adrian’s question. Aaron didn’t want to dwell anymore on what they’d had to talk about either. “Yeah, gotta get this centerpiece stuff home,” he said with a little smile. “And start putting them together. What about you? Got any fun plans?” He didn’t really mean to indicate ‘with your boyfriend?’ between the lines, but it kind of came out in his tone anyway.
The question was loud and clear in Aaron's tone, at least to Adrian, and his smile turned a little coy. "Just go home and unwind after the day," he murmured but he knew that involved going to Kane's place and wrapping himself around that man like a damn boa constrictor. It was probably obvious too, he wasn't just going home, he was practically living with Kane now, even if they had their own spaces to retreat to when they needed to. So far that need had been nonexistent. "Got an early shift tomorrow so if you guys need any help preparing I can come over after work." There, that was a nice segway away from the topic of what was waiting for him at Castle View.
Even though Adrian did a good job deflecting, Aaron heard the insinuation anyway, and he grinned a bit and gave an “uh huh” to the first part. It brought up curiosity again about how all of that worked with two men, but Aaron knew now wasn’t the time ... or ever, probably. Maybe if Adrian ever came out and his boyfriend started hanging around, Aaron could ask him a bunch of personal-but-non-specific questions. “We’ll let you know, for sure,” Aaron said, pushing himself out of the booth. He stood up and waited for Adrian to do the same, then stepped in for a hug. “Don’t worry about shit, okay? It’ll be all right.”
Adrian gave him a firm squeeze and a pat on the shoulder, the reassurance making him feel somber again but grateful at the same time. "You too, man. We've got this all handled." They didn't and they both knew it but there wasn't anything to be done about the worst of it and while Aaron definitely hadn't come unscathed out of his childhood, he was functioning and he was happy now. That was all that really mattered. "Give my love to Mila and the hamster," he said as they parted, grinning at Aaron. The hamster was a frequent call back to when he'd first heard the baby and wondered why Mila had brought a rodent with her to rescue him and it still made him laugh - even if the circumstances had been dire.
It felt handled enough to Aaron, he didn’t even want to think about it anymore, just move on with his life. He was moving into a whole new phase, he didn’t need to drag all that shit out into the light when it wouldn’t do any good. Adrian’s thing was different -- it could open up a whole new phase for him too, one where he was happier. Aaron wanted that for him. But the timing wasn’t up to him, so he would do his best to keep his mouth shut and let Adrian talk to Mila in his own time. “You got it, brother,” Aaron said, returning the smile. He started ambling toward the door along with Adrian, a crack about his boyfriend right on the tip of his tongue ... that probably wasn’t welcome yet though, so Aaron held it back. “I’ll see you like, late morning Saturday?” he asked instead. “It’ll prob’ly just be Gavin and me.”
"Sounds like a party," Adrian said somewhat sarcastically, given the company, but Gavin was less intimidating to him now that he'd helped him with the bachelor party. He just had a permanent worried or frustrated look on his face that had nothing to do with Adrian or anyone else for that matter; knowing that made it easier to ignore. He was going to be there for Aaron anyway and unless Gavin lightened up, Aaron probably needed a more cheerful company and Adrian was going to try to be that for him. "But yeah, I'll be there, gotta make sure you don't run over to to mom and dad's to sneak a peek at Mila." It was cloudy today and that might have worried him if the wedding wasn't still two days away and the forecast wasn't so good. He just wanted everything to be perfect, Aaron and Mila really deserved that.
Aaron was very aware that his eldest brother was a sourpuss, he’d been that way pretty much his whole life, but Aaron loved him deeply, and Gavin was really stepping up and out of his comfort zone to be his best man. Aaron knew it had to be hard, and Gavin was doing it for him, and that meant a lot. Enough that telling him so would probably make him squirm, so Aaron was just going to try to show him instead. He huffed a laugh at the rest of what Adrian said, grinning crookedly as he fished his keys out of his pocket. “It’s bad luck, but ... yeah I’ll still be tempted, so I’ll need you guys to keep me patient,” he agreed. Aaron gave Adrian one last friendly thump on the back and turned to head toward his truck. “See ya then, stay outta trouble.”
"Oh I'm not the one getting married, I'm allowed a little trouble," Adrian said at his retreating back and laughed before heading for his own car, glancing back at Aaron over his shoulder. This could have gone a lot worse since Aaron found out about the baby, but it had turned out okay and he was relieved it was behind them now. They were on the same page at least and Aaron was right; he wasn't going to talk to Mila until after the wedding. He just hoped Aaron wouldn't blurt out his secret before he had the chance.