Gavin Lucas (viciouscircle) wrote in shadows_rpg, @ 2017-12-02 04:18:00 |
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Entry tags: | #september 2017, gavin, gavin x jasper, jasper |
Who: Gavin & Jasper
What: Attempt
Where: Lobster Shack
When: 9/19 Tuesday evening
Status: Complete
After his talk with Caden Gavin had been forced to think about some shit. He hadn't really come to any conclusions but these things kept occupying his mind, being noisy, awful and relentless. If he had the first clue on how to fix things it wouldn't be so bad but it all felt insurmountable and whatever solutions came to mind seemed feeble and probably unwanted. Still, he sucked it up and texted Jasper around noon to ask if he was working and if he could come to the bar. His phone said the message was delivered and then read but by six PM Jasper still hadn't answered. Now, there were three things Gavin could do. Keep ignoring it, call Jasper or go find him. The Lobster Shack was as good a bet as any and if Jasper didn't have work then Gavin hadn't the first clue on where to find him.
He'd have to come back to the bar later to close up but for now it was in capable hands so he headed out and got in the car. It was still fucking raining, endless downpour that was kind of driving him insane. At least it meant he didn't linger outside to think about it and headed in through the back to look around for his kid. He got some looks as someone who was Not supposed to be there but nobody said a damn thing because of course they didn't. He spotted Jasper about the same time Jasper spotted him and gestured to the door. "Take a break?"
Jasper had spent another day at school, ignoring the few snide teacher comments about how that was two days in a row, he was doing so well. He’d even tried to pay attention, seeing as how he’d actually gotten a decent night’s sleep. He was also showered and in clean clothes, so that was nice. Once again he’d avoided running into Jules, which felt like a mixed bag. He’d gotten the text from his dad, but hadn’t felt like answering right away, and by the time school was over and he was headed to work, Jasper had forgotten all about it. Or at least shoved it into the back of his mind where it wouldn’t bother him.
He had a full deep tray of dirty dishes in his arms when he rounded a corner and saw his dad in the back. An unpleasant jolt shot through Jasper and he frowned reflexively. What the fuck was he doing there? Gavin didn’t look alarmed, so that quelled the quick thought that maybe something was wrong with Amelia. Jasper put the tray down on one of the metal counters by the sink and dishwasher, then pulled the white earbuds he’d had in out of his ears. They were threaded up the inside of his shirt, so he just let them hang. The restaurant was a bit busy because of the weather, but he’d just cleared three tables, so he thought he could take a break. He could use a smoke anyway. Jasper hiked his black pants up and nodded, heading for the door.
Of course Jasper did not look happy to see him. That'd be the day. Gavin was well used to that by now and he walked after Jasper back to where he'd come from. There was some shelter from the rain out behind the restaurant so he didn't try to get Jasper to come to the car or anything but lit up a cigarette too. Of course now that he was there he had no idea what to say or how to start saying whatever it was without pissing Jasper off and making him stalk off back inside. He took a deep drag of the cigarette and let the smoke out with a sigh, feeling useless and defective all over again. He'd meant to try to tell Jasper that he'd heard about his situation through the grapevine, it was a small town, people talked, people saw things, yadda yadda. Instead he blurted out, "Your uncle tells me you've been sleeping in your car."
There was an awning over the back door, wide enough for a few people to loiter out there and smoke without getting soaked. Jasper leaned his back against the brick wall of the building as he lit up, biting his tongue on just asking ‘what?’ as his old man gathered his words. He was always so slow to speak, it drove Jasper crazy sometimes. What actually came out of his mouth was another unpleasant surprise. Jasper turned his head to spit into the rain and cover up a bit of his irritation. Goddammit, Caden. He took another drag off of his cigarette before he answered, pulling one foot up to brace it against the brick behind him. “Sometimes, yeah. So?” he asked, gazing out into the back parking lot instead of looking at Gavin.
Gavin shook his head a little, frowning softly at Jasper. He had been expecting his answer to be something dismissive like that and yet it surprised him just how dismissive it was, like sleeping in the car was something Jasper liked to do. "That's not okay," he muttered and felt every bit as shitty being there as he'd worried he'd feel. "You don't wanna go home then we need to sort something else out." He thought of the spare room again and how Jasper would probably rather die than come live there but it wasn't the only option.
Jasper picked at his bottom lip for a second with his cigarette hand, then took another pull, squinting off into the rain. He wasn’t sure what this was really all about, but he didn’t like it. It was invasive. “I’ve got it sorted,” he stated. He had a series of couches that he could hit up, after all, and if all else failed there was his rather roomy backseat, or one of the empty houses on Ludlow. Winter was coming, sure, but Jasper would deal with that like he dealt with everything else -- himself. He didn’t need his absentee father coming around to tell him what to do, especially not now that he was eighteen and his own man.
Gavin's frown returned as he tried to imagine just how Jasper had it sorted. Maybe he had a girl he could crash with, but that wasn't a solution, not a long term one at any rate. The kid needed an actual home to go to, something he could call his own. "S'that so," he said skeptically, again worried that Jasper was about to flunk out of school and start working full time. It wouldn't be the worst thing he'd do but ending up like his old man wasn't exactly the best thing for him.
“Yeah,” Jasper said, finally looking at him. “That’s so. I’ve got couches, I’ve got my car. I go home sometimes. I’m fine.” There was some bite in his tone now. Jasper really wanted to cuss Caden out for talking about his business like that, but he knew better to follow through on that impulse. His dad, on the other hand ... “I went home last night, in fact. Did some laundry and tucked Amelia in. When’s the last time you did that? Since we’re talking about home and all.” It was a low blow and he knew it, but he just wanted Gavin to go away and leave him alone. It was what he did best, after all.
It was a low blow, but at the same time it was a fair one. "That's not my home anymore," Gavin said quietly, looking out at the rain when Jasper looked at him. "You going back there tonight? Or sleeping in your car again?" Jasper could have told him this was none of his business and Gavin would have agreed with him if not for Caden's biting comments. He was his dad, shitty as he was, it was his business. At least that was what he tried to tell himself though he was kind of failing at it.
Jasper wanted to hit him all of the sudden. Not with words, but with a fist. Sounding all sad like it hadn’t been his choice to leave. He knew things between his parents had been miserable, and knew on some level that it was better for everybody that they stay separated, but Jasper still had a sense of abandonment that he couldn’t shake. His dad had left them, and hadn’t taken Jasper with him. Of course he hadn’t, because Gavin had never wanted him in the first place. But neither had Olivia, after a certain age, so ... why should they care what he did? “The fuck do you care?” he snapped, glaring at Gavin now as he took a sharper drag from his smoke. “It’s not my home either. Nowhere is. So I’ll go where I want.”
It was hard to communicate with people on a good day for Gavin and trying to communicate with an angry teenager was about fifty times worse. His jaw clenched as he struggled to find his words and clarify his thoughts. "That's the problem," he said stiffly. "You need a place." The phrase 'no son of mine is gonna be sleeping in his car' went through his mind and it was like an echo of his own father, making him feel a little sick. Every other thing that came to mind to say sounded just like his dad or wrong in some other way, was it a wonder he couldn't fucking speak? "I want to find you a place."
He looked at Gavin like he’d grown another arm for a second, then shook his head and looked away again. Jasper tried to remember the last time his dad had stated flatly that he wanted to help him in any way, and couldn’t come up with an example. He snuck money into Jasper’s pockets all the time, but that always felt like some kind of guilt bribe. Something to assuage his conscience. Part of him wanted to blow it off and tell Gavin he didn’t need his help -- and he didn’t -- but something stopped him. The problem was, he didn’t know what to say that wasn’t a dismissal, so he stayed quiet for a minute, just smoking and staring at the rain and chewing on the inside of his cheek.
Gavin had expected him to mouth off again and so the silence was both reassuring and worrying at the same time. He went quiet too, glancing between the rain and Jasper, unsure what he could add to that that wouldn't hurt the cause. At least Jasper was possibly considering it, he hadn't come up with an answer and he hadn't walked away yet. It was a small victory. He thought of a lot of things to say while they stood there in silence, things like how he knew he wasn't a good dad and never had been, that he wanted to be the guy who fixed shit but how could he when nobody told him what needed fixing, that he wanted to be there but just didn't know how. "Can we at least talk about it?" he said instead. "Come over when you're not working and... we'll figure this out?"
Jasper kind of wanted to snap again that there was nothing to figure out, he wasn’t Gavin’s problem anymore, so he could just fuck off and leave him alone ... but he didn’t. Wasn’t this what he wanted? Some kind of concern coming from his father? Gavin had shown up at his work, and he’d never done that before, so didn’t that mean something? He’d smoked his cigarette down to the filter, so Jasper flicked the butt out into the rain and let out the lungful of smoke. It was hard to wrap his head around the idea that maybe his dad just didn’t want him living like a homeless person, with no ulterior motive, but Jasper couldn’t think of how he might benefit from being there. “Fine,” he muttered finally. “Got a short shift tomorrow, I’ll text you after.” He didn’t know if Gavin was closing the bar or not, so he would just go wherever his dad was.
Gavin nodded and something akin to relief rushed through him briefly. 'Fine' usually meant 'go fuck yourself' but coming from Jasper it was something else. The anxiety gripping Gavin was still there, but it seemed to change shape a little, going from expecting things to blow up to expecting to fuck this up later. Jasper didn't sound happy about it but Gavin could barely remember a time when he had seemed happy about something so that wasn't new. He wanted to ask him how he was doing, give him some money, ask if he needed anything else - ask if he had a place to sleep tonight but he already felt like he'd overstayed his welcome and that urge to flee was getting stronger by the minute. "I'll be at the bar," he said, in case Jasper's phone died or something went wrong somehow, at least he'd know where to find him.
It didn’t escape Jasper that his dad didn’t pursue the question of whether or not he had somewhere to sleep tonight. He didn’t, he hadn’t started scouting a place out yet, but he would find somewhere. Earlier in the night, he’d considered crashing on Gavin’s couch again, but this talk took that straight off the table. No way in hell was he going there now. Maybe not for a long time, depending on how their talk tomorrow went. “Okay,” he answered flatly. And if Caden was working tomorrow night too? Jasper thought he just might tell him to mind his own fucking business next time and stay out of it. He might get smacked for it, but it would feel worth it. Without another word, Jasper moved to tug the restaurant door open again. He had to get back to work.
Gavin almost let him go without a word because that was what he usually did, wasn't it. Ignore shit and run away. That was what Caden had said and he wasn't wrong. He licked his lips as Jasper opened the door and before his son slipped inside he cleared his throat and spoke again. "You have a key for a reason, Jasper." Why saying that made him feel like he was about to get punched, he didn't know. Maybe if his kid actually did punch him it'd make him feel better, it was at least familiar and real, not like this cold silence Jasper was so fucking good at.
Gavin wasn’t usually a last-word kind of man, so Jasper was a little surprised when he spoke again. He paused with the door pulled halfway open to look at his dad and just stared for a few heartbeats. Did he really think that was enough? That just having access to Gavin’s space meant Jasper was welcome and wanted there? He didn’t know how to articulate what he was feeling, but it wasn’t great. Kind of like he would literally never be understood by his old man, that they were talking on two completely different wavelengths and would never meet in the middle. That going to talk to him the next day was probably pointless. Suddenly he felt incredibly tired, and it showed for a second before he looked away again. “Whatever, Dad,” he muttered, and walked inside.
That was the reaction Gavin was used to from Jasper and again he thought a punch might have been better. Screaming, something, anything but the dismissal he always got. He couldn't blame the kid, it was a not so shiny sample of 'like father like son' and Gavin deserved it and worse. He stood there for another minute after the door closed behind Jasper, glaring at the rain before finally braving it to get back in the truck. "Should've left it at that," he muttered to himself as he started the engine. "Always running your mouth." He backed up, the shape of his anxiety familiar again, heavy in his chest.