Who: Toby and Zach When: evening, Tuesday, June 26 Where: the carnival Status: Complete
Zach was starting to kind of love Toby’s weird nurse schedule, especially since he was fully in control of his own work, so he could be off whenever his boyfriend was. But it was kind of cool to go on dates on weeknights, when there were less people out. Kind of like the town was their own in some way. So when they’d made plans to go to the carnival on Tuesday night, Zach had been stoked and hoping for zero lines and to kind of have the run of the place.
He found that was not the case as Toby located a parking spot for them toward the back of the lot. “Damn, this place blew up, didn’t it?” Zach posed with bouncy enthusiasm as he undid his seatbelt and reached for the door handle. “You’d think we lived in some rinky-dink town with not shit to do or something.” Laughing, he climbed out of the car and straightened his jacket.
Like Zach, Toby had been hoping that coming to the carnival on a Tuesday night would spare them from the worst of the crowds. If this was what a weeknight looked like, he couldn’t imagine how bad the weekend would be, but he didn’t let the number of people deter him from having a good time. It would’ve been weird to ride some of the rides solo anyways. “I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. It’s all anyone’s been talking about since it showed up,” Toby grinned as he climbed out of the car. The carnival loomed before them, the bright lights making the entire thing glow in the night sky. Toby bounced on his toes in excitement, then took Zach’s hand as they headed towards the entrance. “Anything specific you want to hit up tonight?”
There weren’t many Fun and Nice things to talk about in Point Pleasant, so Zach supposed it made perfect sense that people would go nuts for a carnival. As they approached the front entrance, he saw that it was at least a vintage, vaguely-creepy carnival, which was really kind of fitting. Zach squeezed Toby’s hand, pleased as punch to be there with him. “Ummmmm ... I dunno! Everything?” Zach answered with a laugh. He was definitely coming back sometime with Jai -- unless it turned out to be super lame inside -- so he wasn't worried about missing out on anything. “Whatever they got, I wanna do it. Games, bumper cars, the Ferris wheel ... anything you want too!” He pulled his wallet out when they stepped up to the ticket booth, intent on paying for both of them this time. “We can always come back too, if we miss stuff tonight.”
While there was something vaguely creepy about the carnival vibe, Toby didn’t attribute it to Point Pleasant for once. He felt like that was to be expected at these sorts of places, like anything else wouldn’t be genuine. He could put his feelers out if worry struck him and he wanted to avoid anything truly dangerous, but he doubted that would be necessary. So long as they avoided the fortune teller, things would be peachy. “Definitely the ferris wheel! Bumper cars could be fun. I wanna try and win you something, but I gotta warn you, that might be a lost cause,” he grinned, then immediately frowned when Zach pulled out his wallet. “No, no, no, no. It’s my turn. Let me treat you.”
“Is it?” Zach questioned, grinning as he lifted his brows at Toby. After a brief ‘no let me’ exchange, he relented and let Toby buy their tickets. The longer they dated, the more they would get a system going for that sort of thing, he supposed. It was delightfully weird to try and get used to actually dating someone, but Zach was enjoying the hell out of the whole process. He took Toby’s hand again as they walked in through the gate, feeling his excitement rising again. “So we should do games last, I guess, so you don’t end up with some huge stuffed animal for us to lug around,” he suggested, flashing Toby a grin. “Because you’ll totally win one, I have faith in you.”
Toby was fine with letting Zach pay occasionally, but he made good money as a nurse and was happy to spend it on his boyfriend. He had very little insight into how much Zach made, but suspected he made a bit more, especially when he picked up extra shifts and outside work. He didn’t want to make a thing out of it though, so if Zach really wanted to pay, he’d let him. Next time. “If I can pick the game, I’m sure I can win something,” he said with a little laugh. “I’m just not sure it’ll be a giant teddy bear.” His eyes scanned the grounds, trying to decide what to do first, eventually landing on the concession stand. “You hungry? Or you want to hit up a ride first?” There were some rides that needed to be done before food or not at all, but Toby wasn’t sure if Zach was interested in those or not. “If we wanna do any of the spinny rides, we should do those before food, not after.”
Zach practically felt like he was vibrating, he was so full of energy. “Yeah, let’s definitely avoid any puking,” he agreed with a laugh. They were really into each other, but that would definitely be a turn off. “Soooo ... spinny fast rides, then maybe drinks and snacks and something slower?” he suggested, his head swiveling around to get a feel for the place and what was around them too. “Ooh, they’ve got beer, we definitely need to be like, half-drunk on the carousel or something.” He tittered and bounced a little, then started to walk faster toward what looked like the biggest fast ride they had. Why not start at the most intense, right? None of the lines looked horribly long, so they could always come back to it if they wanted more adrenaline later.
“Okay, so tilt-a-whirl type rides, bumper cars, food and drinks, then maybe fun house, carousel, and ferris wheel,” Toby said, laying out a little plan for them to follow with the fastest rides first. He could tell it had been a good plan after the first couple of rides, which were fun, but definitely needed to be enjoyed on an empty stomach. When it felt like the world was still spinning even when they were on solid ground, they took a break to grab some food. Toby opted for a corn dog and the Merry Maker, a fruity little concoction that looked far better than beer, and was attempting to manage them both while administering mustard to the corn dog. “I am guaranteed to get this on me,” he muttered with a little laugh. “You wanna find a place to sit?”
Zach had a delightful time on the intense rides, always an adrenaline junkie, and getting to scream and giggle his head off had burned off a lot of energy, so he was feeling more warmly satisfied than hyperactive now. It was a good time to refuel! He’d opted for a corndog and nachos, along with some cotton candy in a bag, plus one of the same drinks that Toby had gotten. It definitely looked more tasty than beer. “Yeah definitely,” Zach answered with a laugh, looking around with his own hands totally full. He spotted some picnic tables not too far away and headed that way to spread out and settle in. Once they were seated, he started with the nachos first, grunting his approval at the delicious hot cheese. “How’s it?” he asked between chewing, nodding to Toby’s corn dog. It was so easy to get corn dogs wrong, and he hadn’t tried his own yet.
Once Toby realized how much Zach had ordered to eat, he realized how silly the question was. There was no way they could walk around with all that food! Maybe Zach would let him sneak a few bites, as the nachos looked better than he’d anticipated. They could always buy more if they finished and found they were still hungry. Once settled at the picnic table, he took a bite of his corn dog, humming an approval before he swallowed and answered Zach. “Fantastic,” he smiled. “This is one of those foods that I love, but I never really get to eat. Like, you don’t see it at restaurants. It’s reserved for carnival and street fares, which we don’t get near enough of.” He stopped to take a sip of his drink, feeling a warm buzz start almost immediately, the result of drinking on a nearly empty stomach, he supposed. “Watching people eat them always seemed kinda vulgar,” he snickered. “Maybe that’s why we don’t have them all over the place.”
“We get the frozen ones sometimes that you just stick in the microwave, but they’re never as good,” Zach said with some real regret. He grinned as he watched Toby take another bite -- there definitely was something suggestive about it, if one had a dirty mind like he did. He vividly remembered Toby sucking his silicone cock, after all, and thinking of it always gave him a nice tingle. He washed another nacho down with a swallow from his cup, then hummed. “Mm, that’s good. I never thought much about carnivals having like, signature cocktails or whatever? How hipster is that?” He snickered and picked up his own corn dog for a bite, bouncing his brows at Toby while it was in his mouth.
The image was there in a flash, quick as Toby blinking, and he almost choked on the corn dog in the process. He’d never seen himself from that angle, all needy and desperate with a silicone cock in his mouth, and it was a jarring vision in the middle of the carnival. He realized he’d probably brought it on himself, joking around with Zach, but damn. He took a big long sip of his drink to clear his head, nodding along with Zach as he swallowed. “It’s a pretty good gimmick,” he agreed. “Bet it goes great with cotton candy. I’m gonna have some of yours, by the way. If that’s okay. I’ll buy you more. I just don’t need my own or I’ll be bouncing off the walls for hours.” Which might be fine, since he was at a freaking carnival with Zach, but it seemed dangerous to go down that road alone.
“No, yeah, of course, help yourself,” Zach said as he nudged all of his food closer to Toby. He also scooted himself, because he wanted to be closer to him too. These days it felt like he would be more than happy to glue their bodies together and just be with Toby all the time ... which he knew was ridiculous, but ugh, he gave Zach so many feelings. “You’re welcome to anything of mine, ever,” he went on after another drink of the Merry Maker. “Like I mean it -- food, body, soul, anything -- because I’m so fucking into you, ohmygod. It’s probably driving my brother crazy, you’re like ninety percent of my brain right now.” Zach stopped and blinked at himself, surprised that he’d let those words come out of his mouth. It was probably way too soon to say shit like that, but it had just felt so right to say it in the moment.
Toby hummed a happy little laugh, feeling giddy at the intensity of Zach’s feelings, even if it was still fairly early in their relationship. He was pretty sure no one had ever felt that way about him before. That he returned the feelings was even more exciting. “I get that,” he grinned. “I feel like it’s either you or AIR, and I’d much rather it be you.” He realized what he’d said a second after he said it, but then thought it might be vague enough that Zach might not catch the slip. Nevermind that he’d just told Zach he preferred him over breathing, since that could be equally true. It was a bit much and he found himself laughing in embarrassment. “I just mean, I’m so fucking crazy about you, it’s hard to imagine myself with anyone else.” There. Better… except not. Still too intense. Toby took another sip of his drink, hoping it would help him gather his thoughts, maybe rein himself in a little.
Zach did indeed hear ‘AIR’ as the oxygenated kind, and he couldn’t help but beam back at Toby, his cheeks flushing pinker at all the excited feelings bubbling around inside of him now. He didn’t think anybody had ever said they were crazy about him before, not even Jai. And Toby couldn’t imagine himself with anybody else? Zach felt ready to float up off of the picnic bench. “I think I’m falling in love with you,” he blurted, then let out a nervous sort of laugh. “Like I hope that’s not scary? Sorry! But like, not, at the same time, because it’s so good and so fun but I’ve never really been in love before, so maybe this is just ... waahhhh hormones! You know?” Zach made some crazy hand gestures around his head as he talked, then wrinkled his nose at Toby. “There’s stuff you don’t know yet though, so don’t, like ... I dunno. I hope you’re still crazy about me after you find out, ‘cause I know you’re gonna.” His mouth seemed to be running away from him, and Zach’s stomach dropped some as he realized what he was leading into, way before he was ready to do it. “What’s in these fuckin’ drinks, jeez,” he muttered with a sheepish chuckle.
“Oh, baby, that’s absolutely terrifying,” Toby laughed. “I mean, exciting too, ‘cause I feel the same way, but, like, my brain says that it’s waaaaay too soon to feel that way. And yet I’m telling you anyways because these are clearly stronger than I realized.” He rubbed his hands over his face, then brought his palms together, pressing his fingertips to his lips. He’d said too much, but now that Zach had gotten started, he couldn’t exactly forget what he’d heard and what he’d said. “I can’t imagine what secrets you might have that could be worse than mine. I worry about it all the time, that you’ll find out, or that you’ll figure it out. Most people do, eventually, even if they don’t realize it, or know the backstory. And then they run off, and I really don’t want to run you off. You’re sweet, and you’re hot, and you like it both ways, which is rarer than you’d think. Oh, God, it’s not just the sex! I mean, it’s fucking fantastic, but it’s way more than that. I didn’t mean to make it sound like that.”
This carnival didn’t have a rollercoaster, but Zach felt like he was on one anyway, all kinds of crazy things happening to his insides -- Toby was falling in love with him too! He could scarcely believe it, but it made him so happy to know that he wasn’t just some inexperienced lovesick idiot who was reading too much into everything. But then Toby went on to say he had secrets too and that brought Zach back down to earth a bit. His brow furrowed and reached out to take one of Toby’s hands, the food forgotten for the moment. “It didn’t, I know it’s not just the sex,” he assured him first, since that part was easy. He could feel all of his own secrets on the back of his tongue, ready to spill forth, but he managed to hold them back for the moment. “I’m not gonna run off, I’d be a giant hypocrite if I did. Because mine might make you run, so -- you show me yours and I’ll show you mine?” Zach gave him a lopsided, hopeful smile. He knew somewhere it was too soon for this, maybe even more Too Soon than saying he was falling in love, but they were here now and he felt like he had to tell Toby everything, so why not just rip the damn bandaid off already?
It was a horrible, absolutely horrible time for Zach to take his hand. Touch always made Toby’s powers stronger, and there he was, with Zach asking him to show him, all with his own secrets on the tip of his tongue. Toby gasped, his breath catching in his throat as the image came to him, and goosebumps ran down his arms, along with a stirring in his cock that felt traitorous considering what he’d seen. “You’re fucking your brother?” he asked, but it wasn’t really a question. He knew. He’d seen it, and it didn’t really matter if it was the future or the past. He couldn’t completely tell, and he didn’t have the context. Zach would have to give him that. Toby tried to understand, his heart constricting under the pressure of the situation. “I don’t want to run. Maybe I should. You definitely should. But I don’t want you to. Not if you meant what you said. I just worry that I’ll put you in danger. I could be dead in a month, so I don’t care who else you’re with, so long as you—you meant what you said.” He was rambling horribly, but he couldn’t seem to stop himself. He hadn’t exactly spelled out his own secret, but knew that Zach would probably pick up on the basics of it in how he’d ripped the curtain off Zach’s.
Shock shot through Zach like an electric zap, and he sat straight upright as Toby nailed one of his secrets right on the head. For a second he wondered if he and Jai had been too obvious at Dragonfly, if they’d exchanged some looks that said more than they should or something. But no, who would jump to that kind of conclusion? It clicked that Toby had blurted it out after Zach touched him -- was he some kind of psychic? Zach believed in those, he was pretty sure. There was weird magic in his own life, so he knew a lot of things were possible. He tried to follow the rest of the rambling, his face scrunching up with confusion and dismay. “I do mean it, but -- wait, what? You could be dead in a month, what do you mean?” he asked, because that seemed most important. He could explain about Jai in a minute, now he was worried about Toby’s safety.
“It’s a long story, but basically this evil corporation that kidnapped and tortured me as a kid is back, and I’ve been roped into trying to take them down again,” Toby said, fingers in his hair, making a mess of it in a moment of stress. He supposed that if he was going to come clean, he might as well put it all out there because it made little sense otherwise. He could just be a psychic, but that wouldn’t explain the possible death sentence lingering in the not-so-distant future. “I keep trying to get a read on what might happen, but there’s too many moving parts. Too many players in the game. Until someone makes some kind of a decision, things are out of focus. Which is good, ‘cause I’m gonna have a meltdown when I start seeing people die on me.” He wasn’t sure if he could handle that amount of pressure, to see a possible future and then try to change it. It was practically impossible, since he couldn’t see all the steps along the way. For all he knew, his meddling might bring it about. But he’d try his damnedest to keep everyone alive.
It sounded like an outlandish lie, but Zach didn’t doubt the truth of it for a second. They were laying out truths right now, uncomfortable and awful truths, and he didn’t think Toby would make something like that up. Zach stared at him with his lips parted for a moment, trying to process all that and slowly understanding that Toby was some kind of psychic. One who could see the future? “Okay ... okay, wait ...” he murmured, shifting a bit on the bench to face Toby even more. “So ... you’re a psychic? And you were kidnapped and tortured as a kid ... by people who ... what, let you go? And now they’re back? Are they after you, or ...?” He was trying to follow along, but it was a lot, and while Zach didn’t feel like running yet, it definitely seemed like this secret trumped the ones he’d been keeping, holy shit. “And who else might die?”
“They didn’t exactly let us go,” Toby said, cringing. None of this particular story was fun to tell, but this was the part that haunted him, the knowledge that people had died because of them. They might not have been good people, but he felt like he’d played judge and jury, even if not executioner. “We escaped. We burnt the place to the ground. I mean, I didn’t specifically, that’s not my gift, but…” He’d made no attempts to stop Shane, or save people, or find a way that didn’t result in the smell of burning flesh stinging his nose. He’d been full of rage and fear, just like the rest of them. After what they’d been through, he’d wanted them to burn. “I’m clairvoyant. It’s a type of psychic. It’s hard to define. My friends are—all over the board. You met some of them. Shane and Jane. There are others. I don’t know who’ll die. All of us. None of us. We don’t have a plan yet.”
Zach’s brows lifted a bit as Toby dropped the names -- he’d liked both of those people when they’d met at the party. Jane seemed like a snarky delight, and Shane had been cool and gorgeous and friendly. They were psychics too? Zach felt like his head was a little spinny with all of this new information. “Holy shit, Toby,” he murmured, gazing at him with a pained sort of expression. It was all empathy and no judgment -- he certainly wasn’t in any place to do that. It sounded like all of Toby’s secrets were things he couldn’t help, things that had happened to him, and were still happening, as opposed to bad things he’d done. “I’m ... I’m just so glad you made it out. Is there anything I can do? Can I like, help somehow?” Feeling like he needed more alcohol to process this, he reached for his cup to drink more of the cocktail.
“No,” Toby said, shaking his head. “Nothing other than put up with my crazy. I have the feeling it’s going to get worse once we have a plan. There’s, like, a dozen of us, so it’s like herding cats. We just… have to stop it from happening again.” He hated the idea of hurting anyone, but he hated the thought of children getting hurt even more. No one should have to go through what they’d been through. It had fucked all of them up on some level, even if they pretended to act like functioning adults. “You’re not, like, super freaked out about what I can do?” he asked, still too worried about that part to start inquiring about Zach’s secret. It bothered him, but he recognized that they could only handle one thing at a time. “Do you have any questions? I’m sure you have a thousand.” He’d just rather Zach ask them than take them straight from his head.
He shook his head a bit helplessly. “Man, I don’t even know where to start,” he murmured first. “Clairvoyant, is that like ... seeing the future? Just knowing things will happen or what?” Zach knew he’d heard of it before, just from media and comic books and stuff, he just wasn’t sure what it really entailed. He felt the impulse to blurt out that he was kind of cursed -- bound magically to his brother, which was part of why they were so close, but he was able to keep it inside of his mouth this time. Maybe the drink was wearing off, or he was just too blown away by what Toby had told him to focus on himself again yet. “Can you control it at all?”
“It’s this miss-mash of things,” Toby said with a little smile. “Sometimes it’s the future, sometimes it’s the past. It’s usually stupid things, like knowing someone’s about to sneeze or trip before they do. And sometimes it looks like luck, like a sixth sense for gambling. But it mostly feels intrusive. I pick up things I have no business knowing.” Things like Zach’s physical relationship with his brother. Was it more than that? He tried not to let his brain go there, but he could feel that the answer was yes. But that made sense, didn’t it? They were brothers. It was never going to be just sex. Toby took a heavy sip of his drink. “Touch amplifies it. Alcohol numbs it. I started drinking in middle school. Drugs… well, it depends on the drug. Sometimes I can control it. Sometimes I can’t.”
The mention of things Toby had no business knowing made Zach’s cheeks flush. Apparently him grabbing Toby’s hand had given him a vision of Zach and Jai together ... fuck, what had he seen? Or was it just a knowing? Zach wanted to ask, but he had no idea how. God, this was not what he’d had in mind for tonight, not at all. They weren’t even drunk, but it was like there was some kind of truth serum in the drinks ... “Is it every time I touch you?” he asked, his brow furrowed as he studied his boyfriend’s face. Hopefully still his boyfriend after this conversation, anyway. The idea that he might not be made Zach want to cry already, but he tried not to get ahead of himself. “What else do you know about me that I haven’t told you myself?”
“Don’t cry! Please don’t cry,” Toby pleaded, picking that up more than anything else at the moment. “It’s not every time. And it’s not everything. It’s usually things people are thinking of in that moment, not just random facts about them, unless I’m seeking them out. But I don’t, especially with you. I’ve really, really tried not to read you, I swear.” This was exactly what he was afraid of, that he’d lose Zach’s trust, that he’d start worrying about all the things Toby might have seen that he shouldn’t. It was that ability that drove people away, when truths slipped from his lips that were secrets that hadn’t been shared. “This is the first time I’ve picked up anything more important than what you want for dinner.”
He sounded so sincere and dismayed, Zach believed him. Thinking back to Toby’s reaction when he’d told him he was trans made him believe it more, because that had been genuine too. Zach nibbled on his bottom lip as he thought for a moment. If they were laying their cards on the table, he may as well show his whole hand. “Then I’ll tell you before you see it by accident,” he started. “... there’s a spell on me and my brother -- half brother, by the way, we have the same dad but different moms. And my mom is straight up crazy. Like she lives in a mental hospital in Bangor. But when we were kids, she had a witch put a spell on me and Jai to bind us together so I’d always have family ... and now we can’t be more than like, ten or twenty miles apart for very long or it starts to hurt and kind of makes us crazy. Like he tried to go to Florida once ...” Zach trailed off and shook his head. “We were always close though, and he supported me a lot with my transition and I just ... we love each other. Not like, ‘I want to marry him’ love, but something else, and it turned physical a long time ago and it’s just stayed that way. But we give each other room to date and live and ... I know it’s weird. But it’s never felt wrong.” Zach worried at his lip again for a second. “And there’s more to tell you but that’s probably the biggest thing,” he mumbled. Toby probably would want to break up now, so why bother going there.
Toby was always intrigued when magic was involved. It complicated things in ways he’d never imagined, created situations that might have never come about otherwise. He wondered why Zach’s mother would have felt the need to perform such a spell, but there might not have been logic involved if she truly was crazy. “It’s a little weird,” Toby agreed with a little smile, but took Zach’s hand, allowing himself to read the sincerity rolling off Zach. He’d said he was falling in love with him and meant it. Toby felt the same. The idea of letting those feelings go just because someone else was involved felt absurd, even if Zach loved Jai too. Toby had never been especially possessive, but this tested him on a whole new level. “It’s not a deal breaker. It just makes me worry I’m not enough, you know? And you have something I can’t really compete with.” There was the added layer that Jai was Zach’s half brother, and that maybe he should be disgusted, but it didn’t bother him as much as he thought it should. They were just people who’d found a connection, something that was hard enough without judging the ties that bound them.
Zach squeezed his hand hard, a journey of emotions crossing over his face as Toby responded. He could almost taste the relief he felt when Toby said it wasn’t a deal breaker ... but those worries made his stomach clench at the same time. Zach pulled his hand up to press the back of it to his cheek, grateful for the physical contact even if it set off Toby’s psychic powers. “It’s not a competition,” he said, his gaze steady on Toby. “There’s no like ... ranking, in my brain, you know? I feel how I feel about you, and I feel how I feel about him, and there’s no way they could ever be the same because you’re different people and our experiences together are different, but one’s not bigger or better than the other, you know?” Maybe that kind of thinking made him weird -- it definitely wasn’t how society at large said relationships should work-- but Zach hoped Toby could have an open mind about it. “There’s no way you wouldn’t be ‘enough,’ -- you’re you, and I want a full relationship with you. But I can’t turn off my feelings for him. I hope you understand.” He pressed a kiss against Toby’s knuckles.
It was such a bizarre situation to be in and Toby felt like he was all over the place emotionally. He was jealous that there was someone else Zach felt so intensely for, but excited that Zach felt that way about him, that he was willing to use the L word so early in their relationship. He was scared about the prospect of sharing, but also realized that he’d been doing it this whole time, and that it hadn’t stopped Zach from wanting him. At no point had he ever been lacking Zach’s attention, and it didn’t feel like cheating, even though he was pretty sure it was. That complication confused Toby and he wondered how Zach and Jai even managed it. “It’s just Jai and I, right?” Toby asked hesitantly. “There’s not anyone else, is there? I’m not judging, I’m just trying to understand. And maybe prepare myself. I’ve never been in a relationship with someone who’s seeing someone else.” He thought he could handle just Jai. One other boyfriend wasn’t exactly a harem.
“We’re not ... exactly seeing each other,” Zach tried to clarify, wrinkling his nose a bit. “I mean, we live together, so I see him all the time, but it’s not like we go on dates or like, do a lot of couple-y things. We’ve got separate bedrooms and everything.” He didn’t want Toby to get some picture in his mind of him and Jai living like a married couple or something -- but it was so hard to explain to someone outside of them. Zach gave his head a little shake to get himself back on course, because none of that answered Toby’s actual question. “But no, there’s nobody else, in any capa-- oh.” Zach stopped himself and made another pained, apologetic face. “Okay, last secret thing, I swear ... I should tell you that, uh ... not only do I do video game streams for a living, I also do porn streams. Not with anybody else! It’s just me in my room with toys and stuff, but ... with a camera on. Sometimes they’re private shows, those pay the best. But I’m not like at all interested in any of those guys, it’s just for the money. Which is pretty fuckin’ good, by the way.”
Toby couldn’t explain why hearing Zach and Jai had separate bedrooms made him feel better, but it did. It painted them more like roommates with benefits, even though Zach had already said they loved each other. He had the feeling it was going to take some getting used to, that now that he’d been told he’d notice things he might’ve previously overlooked, but hopefully Zach didn’t expect him to adjust to all of it at once. It was a lot to take on, especially since Zach kept going, finding new things to shock Toby. “Fuck,” Toby muttered, his eyes wide this time, unable to hide his reaction. “Umm…okay,” he said, biting his lip. “I can live with that. I think. I feel like I should be more upset about you and Jai, but he’s just one person and this is, like, a lot of people seeing you, but it’s also stupidly hot, too. Like, now I want a show and I know I can’t have it both ways.” He hadn’t realized he could be both upset by something and aroused, but there he was.
The love between him and his brother was multi-layered and complex, but sometimes it felt so simple at the same time. Zach wasn’t daydreaming about marrying him one day or anything, and he knew they both needed other relationships in their lives. Mostly he knew that all of these new bubbly feelings about Toby hadn’t washed away any of his feelings for Jai, or vice versa. Maybe it was selfish of him, but Zach wanted them both. He had to laugh a little at what Toby said, even though his stomach was still a squirming knot of nerves. “I can totally give you a show, on the house,” he said, feeling his cheeks burn pinker. “But I can stop, for a while, if it makes you too uncomfortable. I’ve got some good savings now, you know? I can afford to take a break.” It felt easy to offer, whereas ‘taking a break’ with Jai would not have been, so Zach wanted to compromise if this was too much for Toby right out of the gate. He definitely didn’t expect him to accept it all at once, but he hoped hard that Toby would give it a chance. “And I hope this doesn’t -- ... I like you so fucking much,” he murmured, reaching for Toby’s hand again.
“I know. Me too,” Toby said with a little laugh, giving Zach’s hand a squeeze when he took it. These were hard pills to swallow, but they hadn’t diminished his interest in Zach. If anything, it made him feel like they were a bit more on the same level—not that their secrets were equal, but that they both had big things that often scared people off. It made him feel less alone, as he knew these things weren’t the sort that Zach trusted to just anyone. “It doesn’t feel right to ask you to stop, especially if you make good money,” he said. “I would—I would like to watch sometime. Just to get a feel for what—I dunno, maybe that’s a bad idea. Maybe I’ll be jealous,” he laughed. “Or maybe you can remind me that I’m the only one who gets to actually have you. Well, not the only one.” He bit his lip, his head cocking a bit to the side. “Jai’s cool with us?”
The idea of Toby watching him perform was weirdly hot, and the request made Zach grin a little, even as Toby backpedaled. It immediately gave him some ideas, but the question he asked seemed more important, so Zach started there, nodding a bit. “Yeah, he’s cool. He’s happy for me, because I’ve never really ... felt like this about anybody before. And he likes you, from when you guys met. He really just wants me to be happy, and I’ve been like, stupid happy lately.” He beamed at Toby brighter for a moment. “And I mean, he’s had girlfriends and stuff before, so this isn’t totally new to us,” Zach went on. “This is just the first time it’s me, so ... can we all just be patient with each other, you know? I don’t wanna like, complicate your life or anything, it sounds like a lot already -- which I definitely want to know more about by the way, not to make this all about me, ohmygod.” Zach huffed a nervous little laugh and shook his head. “There’s just so much to say.”
While Toby knew it was just chance that made him Zach’s first boyfriend, it still made him feel special. Zach cared enough to share this all with him, to trust him with it, even after he knew what Toby could do. So few people trusted him at that point that he’d come to value it. Plus, he knew what it was like to live with secrets that not everyone could understand. “You’re not complicating my life,” Toby said. “It’s always been crazy. There’s just not a lot of people who know about it all, though it feels like there’s more now than ever. Kind of like you probably don’t tell most people there’s some kind of spell on you and Jai.” The spell seemed kind of simple by comparison, but Toby knew it probably wasn’t. He couldn’t imagine being physically tethered to someone, no matter how much he cared about them.
Zach shook his head to confirm that he didn’t tell many people that ... really, besides a couple of close friends, he couldn’t remember telling anyone. He hadn’t even planned to tell Toby, at least not anytime soon, but tonight was apparently the night to word-vomit all their secrets onto each other. Now that all his cards were on the table -- which was honestly a huge relief, if he was being completely honest -- Zach wanted to know more about Toby’s. “So what does it feel like? Being, uh, clairvoyant? You just know things you have no other way of knowing? Like if I suddenly knew like ... how to clear a tricky level of a game I’ve never played? Or what someone was thinking about me?” He was trying to find a way to relate to it from his own experiences, but Zach definitely wasn’t any kind of psychic. “Has it been that way your whole life?”
“It’s kind of all over the place,” Toby said with a little laugh. “Mostly I just know things with little to no context. I can’t really read minds, but sometimes I pick up on other people’s thoughts. Like, you might be thinking really loudly and I just hear it, like you’d spoken. I’ve had a few instances where I guess I had a vision, but it’s more like an image pops into my head than a full fledged vision, so I don’t know if you’d call it that. Most of the time it’s just a feeling. Like, that I should take the long way home. It might apply to video games? I’m good at mazes.” He knew that was a lot to lay out there and expected Zach to have twenty more questions as a result, and that was before Toby took a shot at answering the last one. “It only started after they took me,” he said, his smile fading away. “They tortured us. Pushed our minds and bodies until we snapped. The ones who didn’t manifest some kind of ability just disappeared. I was… I was ten.”
It sounded like kind of a cool power to have, some super-intuition that was never wrong, though Zach could see how Toby might feel invasive, picking up on things from the people around him that weren’t his business. Like it was something that could drive a person bonkers if he didn’t know how to control it. The rest of what Toby said kind of took the shine off of the idea though, and Zach’s expression sobered up as he listened. The word ‘torture’ had been used a couple of times now in all of this blurting, but it was starting to really sink in what that meant. And to a ten year old? “Jesus,” Zach murmured, his brow furrowed as he gazed at Toby. He tried to imagine him younger, still lanky and curly-headed, but kidnapped and scared while assholes ran experiments on and tortured him. “I can’t even ... I dunno what to say to any of that part of it, except I’m here for you. It sounds like a damn movie plot -- I believe you though! Of course. Just saying ... you weren’t lying about your life being crazy, damn.” Zach huffed a bit and squeezed his hand, then murmured, “So glad you got out of it.”
Toby didn’t like to use the word torture, but it was the only thing that summed up what he’d been through. Plus, it was so much worse to spell it all out. When he thought about being electrocuted, water boarded, starved, and isolated, he no longer gave a shit that they’d killed people in their escape from AIR. He didn’t like to stew in that rage, but he knew it was deserved, especially when he remembered it wasn’t just him that had gone through it. Only a handful of them had even survived. “You don’t have to say anything,” he said, shaking his head as he squeezed Zach’s hand back. “I don’t talk about it. But I know it’s made me a little crazy sometimes. I lie about things? When I’m scared, or nervous, or—or feeling threatened. So that’s a… that’s a thing. But I’m not lying about any of this. You can ask Shane. Or Jane. Or Neil. Actually, maybe not Shane or Neil. I can’t see them wanting to talk about it, but Jane—I was freaking out the other night that she might say something to you before I was ready.”
Zach shook his head a little, his brow still bunched up. “I don’t need to ask anybody, I believe you,” he said quietly. Jane possibly outing Toby before he was ready made her sound like a very shitty friend, especially if she’d been through the same stuff, but Zach wasn’t going to say so. He was sure Toby felt like he needed to hold onto the friends he had, especially if they were all working together against this. It felt really big -- way bigger than his own secrets -- and Zach felt a small wave of helpless panic since he had no immediate ideas on how he could help, even though Toby wasn’t asking him to. Zach scooted closer and moved to wrap his arms around Toby even as he murmured “Can I hug you?” As he squeezed his boyfriend -- still his boyfriend! -- Zach tried to project comfort and support to him. “It’s okay though, I understand being crazy sometimes. I do it too. Having to hide a lot for so long ... If you ever feel like lying, just know I won’t judge you for it.”
“You can always hug me,” Toby said as he hugged Zach back. “I don’t want to lie to you. If I do, I’ll probably come clean in the same breath. Or I hope I will. I dunno. Things have been so good lately, it makes me paranoid. Sometimes I want to reach out and feel things out, but then I pick up things I know I shouldn’t and it feels intrusive.” It was the second time this week he’d picked up on someone’s sex life, both times out of the blue, and it made him wonder what exactly he was tapping into and why. He was lucky neither relationship had been ruined, but he still felt like he needed to be careful. Not everyone was as understanding as Zach, or Adrian. “I think that’s everything though. I think. God, that was plenty, wasn’t it?” he laughed softly. “I was so sure you’d freak out.” Zach had never given him a reason to think that; it was more about Toby’s experience with others than thinking his boyfriend couldn’t understand.
He chuckled along with Toby, giving him another squeeze before he pulled back to look at him again. “I was sure you would freak out,” Zach told him with a crooked little smile. “It was a lot from both of us, but I mean ... I really want to try with you, if you feel the same. ... does that sound stupid now though, with what you’re like, up against?” He got that fretful look on his face again as he studied Toby’s eyes. Trying to fight off some corporation that was bad enough to torture kids into being psychic seemed like it would take priority in someone’s life, did Toby even have the mental space for a relationship? Maybe it was something he needed, a positive distraction while they worked out a plan. Zach couldn’t even imagine being under that kind of pressure, and he still felt like he only knew the tip of the iceberg now.
“You’re pretty much the best part of my life right now,” Toby told Zach with a little smile. “I can’t imagine not trying. Giving up would be unbearable. I’ll try to tell you if I’m feeling insecure, or uncomfortable with something, but it might just take some time to get used to it. I know nothing’s really changed but my perception, but hopefully that makes sense. And I think it’ll actually be nice telling you what’s going on with me. I’d hate to be acting squirrely and you think it had something to do with you when it’s me dealing with AIR.” He’d also hate for something to happen to him and Zach have absolutely no clue what was going on. If they’d met last year, before this all came back up, it might not have been such a big deal not telling him, but now it felt like he was hiding something more than just his powers. The meetings they were having, the plans they were making, it all impacted his daily life. It was on his brain more than he cared to admit and Zach deserved to know when he was in a mood because of it.
Zach was nodding as Toby spoke -- he wanted Toby to be honest about everything that was happening to him. There probably wasn’t much Zach could do to help, but he still wanted to know and to be there for Toby as much as he could. It made his whole chest feel warm and glowy that he was still the best part of Toby’s life -- currently he felt the same. Everything was so fresh and exciting and so good, he didn’t want to give up either, it didn’t matter if his boyfriend would sometimes know things he shouldn’t. Maybe radical honesty would be a good thing for both of them. “Just talk to me, that’s all I ask,” he agreed. “And we can work through anything that comes up.” Impulsively, Zach wrapped his arm around Toby again and moved in to kiss him on the mouth, lingering there for a moment. God, he still got so many stomach butterflies every time, and Zach felt so dumbly grateful that Toby hadn’t bailed on all of this.
It might not seem like a big thing, but being able to talk about all the shit in his life was a big thing to Toby. And it was even bigger because Zach wasn’t involved in any of it. So even though there had been revelations that made Toby nervous, he was still excited about this next step in their relationship, one where they didn’t keep big secrets from each other. He’d never had a relationship with that kind of open communication and he hoped this one would be better for it. Toby nodded in response to Zach’s request as Zach kissed him, his lips chasing the kiss when Zach pulled away. He could happily kiss those lips all night and forget about everything else while doing it. “I love kissing you,” he said softly. “It’s hard to stop sometimes. I’m afraid you’ll think I’m clingy. Or overly affectionate. Or just too much. I am too much sometimes. But you never seem to mind.”
This was definitely already the most serious relationship Zach had ever had, and he just hoped he wouldn’t fuck it all up somehow. Now Toby knew everything about him that he usually tried to keep secret -- that he was trans, that he did porn, that he and his brother had a special relationship -- and he didn’t want to break up, which was amazing and a relief and scary all at once. Zach would just have to be careful not to screw up in some mundane dealbreaker way. They obviously had crazy chemistry and a lot of fun together, he sincerely hoped they would stay compatible on all the deeper levels too. For now though, he just had to keep enjoying the ride, because damn. Zach smiled and claimed a few more kisses before he answered. “‘Cause I’m too much too, so we’re just right,” he murmured. “Honestly, I fucking love it. Over-affectionate me, please. Cling all you want. I can’t get enough of you.” He couldn’t even imagine getting tired of all of this affection, Zach craved it a lot even when he had a source at home. “Kiss me all the time. In fact, wanna go ride the Ferris wheel and make out?”
“I wanna do a lot more than make out, but that’s probably all we should do on the Ferris wheel,” Toby snickered, his face hurting he was grinning so hard. There was still a lot he had to absorb, and he was sure some of it would make him insecure at times, but he’d handled a lot more difficult things in his life than a complicated relationship. They would figure it out, or at least give it one hell of a try. He knew right now things were still in the honeymoon period, where everything was nice, and fluffy, and easy, but Zach felt like the kind of guy that Toby could truly connect to. That they’d both handled their respective bombs without walking away seemed like a good sign. “Come on. Just remember, you’re the one who said I could kiss you all the time. I’m gonna have to take advantage of it.”