byflame (byflame) wrote in shadows_rpg, @ 2022-03-09 22:11:00 |
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Entry tags: | #june 2018, reza, reza x shane, shane |
Who: Reza & Shane
Where: Overlook - then Carnival!
When: Sunday afternoon, 6/24
It often occurred to Shane to hire a person to deal with the smaller and more boring things in life, like grocery shopping and cooking. At the moment he kind of wished he had some magical little gnomes around who could put everything away so he could just dump the bags on the floor and go find Reza. He hollered his name as he headed for the kitchen and planted the heavy bags on the counter. "Where you at?" he yelled and hoped Reza could hear him so he wouldn't have to run around the whole house looking for him. Times like these, the house did feel too big, but it was still worth it. "Come talk to me!" he added in a more sing-song yell and started loading things into the fridge, popping open a cold water bottle to take a swig while he was at it. Between meeting Shan again and wanting to go to the carnival, he was definitely feeling a bit hyper and his movements were fast because he didn't want to spend too much time at the house when they could be out having fun. He just hoped Reza didn't need too much time to get ready and that he actually wanted to go.
Reza was in one of the spare sitting rooms that this house seemed to have too many of, his laptop open on his thighs while he did some work. This sabbatical just kept getting extended, and while his money wasn’t running thin, he didn’t want to lose all of his clients. Luckily, it wasn’t too hard to do his job remotely, so he’d been dedicating more time to juggling emails and schedules for his artists. He’d just sent off a confirmation to one of his DJs when he heard Shane arrive home from the store. Even though his yelling would be distant to most, it was crystal clear to Reza’s ears, and he huffed a soft laugh to himself. One day his man would learn he didn’t have to holler, Reza could hear him from pretty much anywhere when he had that lowkey awareness on -- and it was always on when Shane wasn’t home.
He set his laptop aside and stood up to stretch, then started toward the kitchen. Shane sounded happy, so he wasn’t concerned at all about what he might want to talk about, and he was smiling when he appeared. “You don’t have to shout, you know,” he reminded Shane, sounding amused. Reza moved in to steal a quick kiss before he started helping out with the groceries.
Shane leaned into the kiss with a content hum. "Oh come on, you can't have your mega-hearing turned on all the time," he protested and hoped the next time he came home from somewhere he'd remember testing that out. It'd be funny to walk in and whisper at Reza to come see him, find out if he really could hear every little thing in the house. It probably should have bothered him a little, knowing he would never be able to whisper secrets anywhere near Reza but for some reason it didn't. Thankfully. "Remind me, does it hurt when I yell? Like, is it stupid loud when you're all jazzed up on super hearing?"
“I don’t have it on all the time,” Reza assured him with a small grin. “Just when you’re not home. I’m not eavesdropping, it’s just like my own alarm system. Maybe kind of paranoid, but it’s a huge house, and you never know.” With some coaching from Zania, Reza had put wards up on their place, but he wasn’t completely confident they would hold against anything, so it was better safe than taken by surprise. “But no, it doesn’t hurt, you’re fine. My volume tolerance is crazy high, you physically can’t get loud enough to hurt my ears.” Reza stuffed some things into the freezer as he spoke. It was a little more complex than that, his magic modulated all kinds of sounds into an acceptable range, but that felt like too much to explain at the moment.
"Guess I'll stop holding back when I come then," Shane joked. "Bust your eardrums!" He obviously never held back that much and Reza probably knew that so he tittered and shot him a little grin. "That's a good idea though, good alarm system. Now, tell me you like the carnival and don't tell me you don't like the carnival." He moved closer to Reza again, tilting his hip against the counter. "I don't know if you could guess but there's a carnival in town, I really wanna go. You busy?" It might be a little weird to go with someone he actually gave a shit about, he was so used to doing these kinds of things alone where he could stay as long as he wanted, go on any ride he wanted and act like an ass if he wanted. It seemed like the only thing that could make him really hold back was Reza because he couldn't really imagine ditching him just because he wanted to go on a ride Reza didn't want to go on.
It wasn’t hard to see that Shane was caught up in excitement about something, and that made perfect sense once he said the word ‘carnival.’ Of course that would be the kind of environment to get him all riled up. Reza shut the fridge and moved to stand closer, leaning on the counter in a similar fashion, facing Shane. “I like some carnivals ... but I can’t really make a judgment call if I don’t go, right?” he reasoned, his tone vaguely amused. Reza was a snob about a lot of things, rightfully so in his mind, but he was willing to slum it sometimes on behalf of having fun with his boyfriend. “I just finished up some work, so ... totally free now. Where is this carnival? It must’ve just set up, I don’t remember seeing one around here before.”
"It's at the marina, think they just set up this morning or something," Shane said cheerfully and he knew Reza liked to have fun, but he also was more of a snob than Shane was so he was just happy he was willing to give it a go. "But they're open and they've got this cool old-timey look going. Just hope the rides aren't ancient." He slid closer and slipped his arm around Reza's waist, leaning in to kiss him. "Let's go on some fun rides. If you hate it I'll go by myself some other time, alright?" God he hoped Reza didn't hate it, Shane had spent plenty of time catching up with all the fun things he hadn't been able to do as a kid but sometimes he still felt like he had to do more of it, spend all his time chasing pleasure and joy in whatever shape he could find it.
Reza could get behind a vintage aesthetic, that was for sure, he just also hoped that the rides weren’t old enough to be dangerous. Though he supposed you kind of put your life on the line on any ride like that, things could go wrong at any point, even on new machines. He felt like he could be talked into pretty much anything as Shane moved in closer, and Reza hummed softly as he returned the soft kiss. “Sounds fair enough,” he answered with a little smile. “I’m not opposed to fun rides.” He knew he could be prickly about some things, but Reza enjoyed having fun as much as most people! He was just maybe a little more selective about what counted as fun, compared to some. In any case, Shane seemed excited about it, so he was going to go check it out with him at least. Reza patted Shane’s ass and stole another quick kiss from him. “Let me just go change real quick, then we can go.”
Shane could wait, even if he felt a little impatient already. He decided to change into something else too, just for something to do, changing clothes was fun and why not dress up in something more lively for an actual carnival. The restless feeling didn't really go away until they got to the marina and then it just changed into a different kind of excitement. They both looked like a million bucks and he had no qualms with holding Reza's hand and showing off their connection as they walked onto the carnival grounds. "Oh my god," he drawled with a big-ass-grin on his face. "This place looks even better than I hoped. Look at that stand! It's like something from TV, I feel like I should be wearing a fucking top hat or something." It made him wish he remembered any of those old-timey phrases he heard in movies sometimes so he could really ham it up, but for the moment he could only really remember some random pirate speak and that certainly didn't apply here.
Reza had to laugh, finding his enthusiasm adorable. This carnival certainly had its own aesthetic, which he could appreciate. He just hoped all the rides weren’t as aged as the rest of it looked. “You would look fabulous in a top hat,” Reza commented as they stepped into the ticket line. It moved fast, thankfully, and before too long they were done with the bored-looking ticket seller and were walking in through the carnival gates. There were a good number of people there, for it being the first day of the carnival, but Reza supposed news of something like this got around a small town very quickly. It was hard to miss that giant Ferris wheel. “So what do you want to do first?” he asked, looking over at Shane with a little grin. He’d been the one chomping at the bit to get here, after all, so Reza wanted to give him first pick.
"I wish they had a rollercoaster," Shane said with a little titter. "If we go on the ferris wheel, do you promise to break my fall if something goes wrong?" He'd seen what Reza could do with Diego's gravity powers but he really had no idea if he could sweep him up in a gust of wind if the ferris wheel fell apart. It was a bit of a novelty to actually wonder about that, he so rarely thought about consequences but these days there was a lot more on the line than he was used to. "I bet there's something else here we can do to get our hearts pumping, let's walk around and see what we find." He'd barely said the words when he spotted exactly what he wanted to do and grinned at Reza. "That looks like the closest thing to a roller coaster we can get in a small area," he murmured, pointing to the Round Up ride.
It had been a couple of years since Reza had been on a rollercoaster, but he agreed it would’ve been fun to have one close and handy. He enjoyed anything that involved strong winds rushing against his body, and that anticipation when he was tipping over the first drop was delicious. “I promise to try,” Reza said, grinning faintly. He had never tried to catch a falling human with just air, but he knew he would react as quickly as he could if such an awful thing began to happen. The question made part of him cringe inside -- the way Shane so casually talked about his own death was really bothersome, but Reza knew calling him out on it wouldn’t help anything, so he kept that to himself. For now, anyway. He followed Shane’s pointing and smiled a bit brighter. “Let’s do it, then,” he answered, walking a bit faster in that direction.
It was no rollercoaster, but it was fun and Shane had a feeling he might stop by nearly every day the carnival was in town just for that spinny feeling. He couldn't do drugs so he had to get his kicks somewhere else. He was just glad Reza was having fun too, sharing experiences with other people could be such a downer if they weren't on the exact same wavelength as him and that was something he had to get used to if he wanted to spend nearly all his time with Reza. He was a little unsteady on his feet when they got off, tittering as they wobbled along to find some other ride. "Ooh, tunnel of love," he cooed, nudging Reza. "Think it's actually sweet or secretly creepy?" It was a tunnel in Point Pleasant so well meaning or not, chances were it might end up being creepy and the stray thought that if something awful happened in there, Reza might be too spooked to stay crossed his mind. It wasn't what he wanted for his own sake, but he did want it for Reza's. "You wanna come sail with me?" he added playfully.
The spinny ride was fun for Reza too, it was hard not to enjoy all those g forces and the rushing wind. He was grinning as they got off too, one hand on Shane for balance as they walked away from it. Reza let out a laugh when Shane suggested the tunnel of love, squinting at it with some amused skepticism. He’d heard of kitschy things like that, but never actually gone through one, so he was kind of curious as to exactly how corny it could be. “My vote is for creepy, but not even secretly,” he answered with a lopsided grin. “But don’t worry babe, I’ll protect you.” Reza winked at him as he steered them toward the short line to ride through the ‘tunnel.’ He was well aware that Shane’s powers were much more defensive than his own, but a place like this was likely highly flammable, so he hoped nothing would spook the fire out of his man. “Isn’t this just a place to like, see who can get off with the quickest handjob?” he asked once they’d stepped into line, his voice a tad lower since there were people around them. No kids though, that was good.
Shane laughed because that sounded pretty spot on. "Don't teens always need dark places to make out or something?" he mused and didn't think this ride was long enough for a handjob. Then again, what did he know? He'd gotten people off really fast in the past so he supposed he could see it. "Maybe make us a protective bubble of some kind," he murmured. "Against germs." He wrinkled his nose jokingly then laughed again because if anyone had been in absolutely filthy places before, it was him. That didn't mean he was eager to repeat the experience but it was the first day of the carnival, he doubted this little tunnel was too bad already. Or hoped, more like. "Was that a challenge?" he added as they strolled to the snug little boats. They were reasonably far apart at least so there'd be some privacy, he could see how teens might love this thing.
“I dunno, was it? We’ll have to see,” Reza teased back, smirking. Who knew how often these little boats were cleaned, but Reza had a small bottle of hand sanitizer tucked into his pocket -- it seemed like the only reasonable thing to do, going to a place like this -- so he wasn’t too concerned. “Inshallah I’ll learn to do a germ barrier someday, but that’s beyond me at the moment,” Reza said, amused. “If anybody can disinfect anything, it’s you. But you’d burn this whole place down, so let’s not.” He climbed into the small boat on the track and settled in, happy enough to snuggle up to Shane once he was seated too. They had an entire mansion to fool around in, but he had to admit there was a bit of naughty appeal to having some dark, private moments in this sort of public setting.
"Yeah, let's avoid that," Shane murmured because although the idea of everything being on fire appealed to some core emotion of his, he didn't actually want to destroy everything and everyone around him. He draped his arm over Reza's shoulders to let him snuggle in closer and cheap ride or not, it was kind of cozy. "They should tell you how long this ride is," he murmured and this ride was not for people with anxiety, that was for sure. Nobody wanted to be caught with his dick out in a place full of kids but maybe this place was open late and some more action happened when all the smallest kids had long since been ushered out of there. "You comfy?" he added, nudging Reza's head with his lips.
“That would destroy the element of surprise,” Reza mused with a lazy grin. This was corny as hell, but in a really nice sort of way that was wholesome even though they were making jokes about doing sexual acts in public. Shane was warm and comfortable and Reza nodded against him, then tilted his face up to kiss him softly. “Always comfy with you,” he murmured. A second later, the boat gave a small lurch forward, giving Reza a little start. He laughed a bit against Shane’s lips, then gave him a little nip. “Here we go.” Corny or not, he had to admit it gave him a little thrill to roll off into the dark unknown, pressed against his lover.
Shane snickered quietly, not letting a little nip deter him from stealing another kiss. "Here we go," he echoed in a drawl and it was tempting to reach down and start stroking Reza through his pants, if only because it felt like this ride was made for naughty fumbling about. He didn't though, not yet, the tunnel of love felt tame compared to the places he'd been in before, sort of juvenile in a way, and it just made him wonder what it would be like doing something like this as a teenager - with a guy his own age, with a guy he really liked. It was hard to imagine Reza as a teenager, they'd met at a good time and probably would never have crossed paths some twenty years ago but there was something weirdly sweet about thinking about what it might have been like. "Did you do this a lot? Sneaky making out in dark places?" he asked as they entered the darkness.
Reza had a vague sense that these types of ‘rides’ were holdovers from more conservative times when public affection was more frowned upon. Probably especially for queer couples. Maybe that was why it felt so innocently cheesy, but not in a bad way. Sometimes cheesy things were fun. He had the same sort of temptation to grope Shane while they had this false privacy, and Reza settled his hand on the inside of Shane’s thigh, giving a quiet laugh at the question. “I did, actually, yeah,” he murmured. “Not on like, carnival rides, but ... closets at school, cars parked out in the middle of nowhere, that kinda thing.” He tried to picture Shane as a teenager too and it was a challenge. He had probably been in the midst of living his worst life at that time. It kind of gave Reza bad feelings in the chest to think about, like there was an anger bubbling up on Shane’s behalf.
"I don't know if that makes me jealous or horny," Shane murmured though he was pretty sure it was the latter. It sounded like fun but his idea of high schools was probably not very accurate coming only from tv and cinema. He was picturing janitor closets and dark basements, hiding away from bubblegum chewing cheerleaders and jocks. At least he knew it probably wasn't realistic and the thought had him grinning. "A lot?" he asked coyly. "Did you have a boyfriend back then? Or were you a slut like me?" He leaned in to nuzzle at Reza's ear and at least in his imagination Reza was exactly the kind of boy he probably would have had a crush on if he'd been a normal kid in high school back then.
Reza had gone through a lot of conflicted feelings in high school about his sexuality -- mostly what his family would think if they knew, if he would still be accepted by the community he’d been raised in, the kind of thing most queer kids worried about. He’d counted himself extremely lucky to have a loving family who accepted who he was when he came out around age seventeen ... by that time they’d found out he could wield magic, and that had been a bigger deal. For some reason he couldn’t explain, Shane’s questions struck a nerve, and he pulled away from the nuzzle, frowning as that anger bloomed brighter and aimed itself toward Shane. “I wasn’t a slut,” he said testily. “I was a kid trying to find himself, don’t be disgusting.” He had done a lot of making out and had gone through a couple of casual boyfriends, and he had no idea why he suddenly felt so defensive about it, but he did.
In all their time together, Shane had never heard Reza talk about sluts as disgusting and he pulled back as well with widened eyes. "Wow, okay," he murmured, giving Reza a somewhat confused and half hearted smile. "You weren't a slut. Only one slut on this ride." Using the word disgusting did kind of go against Reza's seemingly chill attitude about Shane's past and Shane tried not to take that personally, he'd obviously hit some sore spot and maybe there was something in Reza's past that he was sensitive about. Or maybe he was sensitive about the age he'd started at, Shane could understand that. Thinking about sixteen year olds getting it on was not hot to him now that he was in his thirties.
He couldn’t see Shane well in the shadowy ride, but Reza could hear the hesitance in his voice. It made no sense at all -- Reza did accept Shane’s past, and he’d had a very liberal and positive view of sex for years now. People were free to do whatever they wanted with their bodies, and he certainly applied that to himself too. But for some reason Reza’s brain was suddenly full of angry bees, his thoughts turning to red static. Someone in a boat behind them started yelling, but Reza barely heard it over the ringing in his ears. “You don’t get to judge me, not after everything you’ve done,” he snapped, as if Shane had gotten defensive about it. “At least I never fucked anyone for money -- that makes you more that a slut, doesn’t it? You’re a goddamn whore, Shane, so I don’t wanna hear shit from you.”
It certainly wasn't the first time Shane had been called a whore and normally it didn't faze him, he had ready come-backs for it, he supported sex workers, there was no shame in it for him. Until now, apparently. The sharp remark was so jarring and unexpected, it felt like Reza had just punched him. He barely retained whatever Reza said before, the protest that he hadn't been judging him dying on his lips and fading to the background and for a few seconds he was at a loss for words, staring at Reza in the dim light. "Tell me how you really feel, Reza," he finally muttered in a kind of defeated sarcasm, looking ahead to see if this ride was anywhere near over. He didn't want to be here anymore, hurt blossoming in his chest and chaotic thoughts thundering in his head. Was Reza pushing him away for a good reason? Had the mention of marriage snapped him back to reality? This sudden anger and disgust came out of the blue and he was having a hard time making sense of it.
There was no reason for it, but Reza couldn’t deny the overwhelming emotion he was feeling, the raw anger that made him want to hurt Shane. He’d never been a violent person, but he’d always had a poison tongue when he wanted to, and something in him wanted to give Shane a dressing down he would never forget. “You said you shouldn’t trust me, maybe I shouldn’t fucking trust you,” he said, his tone cold and hard. He narrowed his eyes at Shane’s profile. “After all this is over, how long ‘til you’re bored of this, huh? How long until you’re back to sniffing your weight in cocaine and whoring around? Why should I think that anything else is going to happen once you don’t need me as a crutch anymore? I have done everything to be loyal and support you and what have you given me? Some half-assed marriage suggestion? And a ton of fucking heartache, Shane.”
Later, Shane might think about how there was someone yelling behind them and how strange it was that Reza's mood soured so abruptly but for the time being he was oblivious to it, too angry and hurt to think logically. Reza wasn't wrong, this really sounded like something that had been brewing for a long time and it had obviously been the marriage thing that sparked it off. He didn't expect to go anywhere after all this was over, so convinced he was going to die very soon that he didn't bother making plans. Lately though, he'd imagined beaches and European cities with Reza. Those lofty dreams seemed stupid now, Reza was probably right that if he survived, he'd just go back to Chicago, more of a miserable bastard than he'd ever been before. "Nobody's stopping you from leaving," he said coldly, hardening his expression as he stared ahead in a desperate need for some daylight showing so he could get out of here alone.
“Yeah,” Reza said with a low chuckle. “Especially not you, right? That might take some actual effort on your part. A little give instead of all the taking you do.” Even though Shane’s face was stony, Reza could tell he’d gotten under his skin, and it gave him a sick sense of satisfaction. He’d smashed some buttons with a sledgehammer and he knew it. All of these things had run through his head before, but in wildly different tones, more as worries and insecurities than knives to be cruel with. Part of him was disappointed that Shane wasn’t really fighting back, he was just taking it like a bitch, like he knew Reza was right. Maybe he did, maybe Reza had pinpointed and finally called him out on his bullshit, and he just couldn’t take it. Reza was opening his mouth to say more when the little boat turned a corner and they click-clacked to a stop next to the platform they’d departed from. The weirdest feeling washed over Reza, his head suddenly spinning and a terrible taste in his mouth.
Of all the times Shane had been trashtalked, he'd never actually felt like crying before and it pissed him off that he was sure it was showing. His eyes stung despite the wry smile he forced himself to put up, shaking his head as if amused because no, he wasn't going to stop him, he was better than that, he didn't need anyone, especially someone who talked to him like this. Without a word he got up as soon as they'd stopped, feeling like a cage had just opened and he could run now. That was all he wanted to do too, he couldn't exactly fight back when everything Reza was saying was true so he just wanted to leave the situation and go somewhere where he could be alone and unseen while he processed this.
For a dizzy couple of seconds, Reza wasn’t sure what was real, like the past several minutes couldn’t have actually happened. “What the fuck,” he whispered to himself as Shane abruptly pulled away from him and got out of the boat. The anger that had so quickly taken him over was completely gone now, and he was left horrified by what he’d said. It was like some insane switch had clicked on in his brain when they’d gone into the tunnel and then clicked off again. Reza’s stomach twisted and he started to struggle out of the small boat himself. “Shane, wait!” he called, his balance still off for a second as he ungracefully found his feet. Reza pushed through and hurried after him, bumping into a couple of people on the way but hardly noticing. What the fuck, why had he gone off like that? That hadn’t been him, not really, it couldn’t have been, because it was all gone now and had left him baffled and full of panicky regret.
Shane very well might have kept walking if not for the audible panic in Reza's voice. He wanted to keep walking because his already shaky mask was slipping, but Reza's voice made him turn around almost instantly. It felt like a cruel mix of hope and pessimism was coiling in his chest though he had no time to process what he was hoping for, more ready for Reza to keep saying things that hurt. He braced for it, attempting to cock a brow at Reza as he tried to process that look of shock on his face but his eyebrows just rose questioningly, like his forehead felt too tight to do anything too complicated.
Even though Shane had stopped, Reza grabbed for his arm as soon as he was in reach, already shaking his head. His own expression was a mess, there were tears filling his eyes and he couldn’t help but look scared and confused. “I didn’t -- I dunno what the hell happened, that wasn’t --” Reza tossed a wide-eyed glance over his shoulder at the ride. It had happened in there, was there something wrong with the place? Like some dark magic? He looked at the subtle pain on Shane’s face again and felt his heart break. “Fuck, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean any of that, I don’t -- I don’t know why ... I -- I was just suddenly -- it was fucked up, it wasn’t me, I didn’t want to say any of that, please ...” He knew he probably sounded crazy, but weird things kept happening to them, and this seemed like another one of those.
It did make sense, or maybe Shane just needed it to be the truth and his expression softened, but that wasn't necessarily a good thing because it made his eyes water even more, like he'd pulled a plug by unclenching some muscles. He knew Reza might go on apologizing and while it was hard to talk, he interrupted with a quiet, "It's all true though, isn't it?" Some part of him wanted to tell Reza 'I did warn you' and in some way it felt like he was just reaping what he'd sowed but Reza looked so upset and so confused, he swallowed those words. His chin wobbled and he wiped away a couple of tears with some frustration. Had anyone made him cry before? Not for years, he was stronger now but this was Reza and he all too easily got under his skin.
Reza shook his head immediately and strongly, guilt lancing through him. Maybe there were bits of truth in what he’d said, but they weren’t true like that. “No, no it’s not,” he said, both hands on Shane’s forearm now, his expression pleading. “Not like -- I mean, sometimes I worry, yeah, that you’ll leave me down the road, but I don’t know it’ll happen. And you know I don’t judge you for your past, I don’t care about any of that shit, not like that.” Reza wanted to grab onto him and hug him, kiss those tears away, but he didn’t think he could bear to be pushed away, so he held back. It was such an awful, helpless feeling, knowing he’d hurt Shane while being completely out of control of himself. Probably similar to how Shane had felt after his overdose.
Shane found it hard to look right at him for some reason and maybe that was a good thing because it meant he noticed the other couple behind Reza, still standing by the tunnel of love in much the same situation. Shane might not hear them but the girl was crying and the man was profusely apologizing, looking about as startled and miserable as Reza did. Shane drew a deep breath through his nose, glad he was at least not a blubbering mess though his voice felt shaky when he spoke again. "When I said that tunnel was gonna be secretly creepy, I meant ghosts," he muttered. "Not whatever the fuck that was." He believed Reza, maybe only because he really needed to believe him but they'd been through some weird shit before. In a way it almost felt fair that Reza would lash out at him, Shane had done enough of that to Reza already. Believing him didn't mean he was okay yet, there was still a thunder of feelings squeezing his chest and that urge to leave was still there, just barely kept under control.
He sent another wary glance over his shoulder at the fucking tunnel, then stared moving away from it, still holding onto Shane. “There’s something fucked up going on in there,” Reza muttered. He couldn’t feel any particular magic coming off of the place, but he was very clearly learning that didn’t actually mean jack shit sometimes. His gaze was still anxious and regretful as he looked at Shane again. “I’m so sorry,” he whispered. Reza knew this wasn’t something Shane would be able to just shrug off, no matter what had been driving it -- he wouldn’t have been able to either. He still randomly thought of the things Shane had said to him right before he’d overdosed, and they hadn’t been half as cruel as Reza had just been. His throat ached with emotion, but he tried not to cry like he was the victim or something. “Do you want to leave? I can ... walk, or call an uber or something, if you want.” It was a meek sort of offer that he didn’t want to do, but he understood if Shane did.
Shane wasn't sure he wanted to stay but he also didn't want to run away like this place had somehow defeated him. Maybe all the rides were cursed but that didn't make much sense since the Round Up had been really fun and unproblematic. "I need a fucking drink," he said with a shake of his head. If they left now, he'd have a bad taste in his mouth for the rest of the day but if they stayed, maybe there was a chance to salvage this somehow and not go home feeling like shit. It was frustrating not knowing how to feel. He wasn't angry with Reza, but he felt like he should be. He was hurt but he felt like he shouldn't be. It was a small blessing that he absolutely believed this had been another Point Pleasant fuckery and not just Reza finally snapping and that allowed him to react with some grace. "They have cocktails, he added, stepping closer to Reza and slinging his arm around him as he turned. "We need cocktails."
Maybe it was tempting fate not to leave -- who knew what other nasty surprises this carnival had to offer? But Reza definitely felt like he needed a drink now, something to steady his nerves. He put his arm lightly around Shane’s waist as they started to walk, feeling ashamed and like he still might cry. Fuck, that had been weird and just awful. He wasn’t a person who gave into anger very often, but that had just completely taken him over without any provocation at all. Reza bit his tongue on apologizing fifteen more times on their way to one of the beverage stands, everything he’d said running on a painful loop in his head. It felt so violating to have his emotions toyed with like that. Even worse, he didn’t know if Shane would ever be able to forgive him. Once they had cups in their hands, Reza tipped his up for a long drink, then cleared his throat a bit once he swallowed. At least it was strong. “You wanna ... sit down somewhere?” he murmured.
Shane's mind was still racing and he didn't think he could sit still so he just said no and focused on his drink. He was still holding onto Reza, like the physical closeness could keep his anger away. He didn't quite feel angry but it felt like it was hovering around him, trying to get in. It wasn't Reza's fault, it was just another thing fucking with them, but it was hard to just let it go. "I'm not ashamed of my past," he said. "Not that part anyway, I did what I had to do and sometimes I even enjoyed it. Not always, it could be really crappy." He wasn't sure why he was telling Reza that, he never talked about that part of anything. "Of all the things you could have gone for, that one wasn't a bad one. It still stung though, because I really thought you didn't give a shit, but maybe you do, you just don't wanna face it."
Reza was okay to keep walking, especially since it kept Shane’s arm around him. He kind of didn’t want to talk about anything now, but at the same time he knew they probably needed to, if they were going to move past this bullshittery. Gods, why hadn’t he ever learned time magic? What he wouldn’t give to rewind the past half hour. “I don’t,” Reza insisted emphatically. “Not in an asshole judgmental way. I care that you had to go through so much, and how it might have affected you, but ... I don’t think you’re a bad person for it, Shane. You were surviving -- and even if you weren’t, if you just wanted to -- all of the sex you’ve had in your life, I don’t judge you for it. I swear on my mother’s life, I don’t.” Maybe he was entering ‘he doth protest too much’ territory, but Reza really wanted Shane to believe that was how he truly felt, because it was. “If anything, I’m jealous you had all that freedom. And maybe a little insecure that you’ll get bored eventually with just me ...” He felt strange admitting that, like he hadn’t quite meant to, but it was out now.
"I might get bored with you," Shane said. "I get bored with myself all the fucking time, but I can't imagine life without you. I don't even know what love is but I am pretty sure I'm in love with you." He hadn't meant to say any of that out loud, they were just musings in his head and it didn't even fully register right away that those thoughts had become words. "And if I lose you, the thought of going back to life before is just shit. Depressing as fuck." He furrowed his brows, tightening his grip on Reza a little, as if all this rambling might make him run away if he didn't hold fast. "I don't think anyone's ever loved me before. Maybe my parents but I don't even remember them and I probably killed them so it's- it's all twisted in my head, you know?"
Reza stopped walking and half-turned into Shane to make him stop too, one hand coming up to touch his chest. He wanted to be looking at his face, even if Shane wouldn’t meet his eyes. “I know it is, but I love you now,” he murmured, his heart picking up speed. He’d been so sure that he would have to be the one to say those words first, but Shane had beaten him to the punch by some weird miracle. “We can un-twist it. I feel the same way -- I don’t want to lose you.” It was more frank and vulnerable than he’d really allowed himself to be, and while it still felt risky to say out loud, Reza felt compelled to do it.
"I'm so sure I'm going to die soon," Shane said quietly. "And I'm terrified you will too. I've been thinking of ways to get you out of town before we strike." As soon as the words came out he knew something was up because that was something he'd never planned on telling Reza. How could he trick him away if Reza already knew about it? "Something's going on, I can't fucking stop talking." More like he couldn't stop telling Reza things he hadn't meant to say out loud, not yet or not ever. He hated this but at the same time it felt good to just blurt everything out and this need for Reza to understand everything about him was so much stronger than his wariness about this truth-thing that he didn't even try to stop himself from going on. "I was gonna die young, I mean, I'm sure I will and if I don't... I can't imagine meeting your family, like that's terrifying, but that's what you do when you love someone, right? They're gonna hate me, Reza, I'm probably gonna hate them too just out of some fucked up insecure shit and I don't know how to do any of this."
Reza registered the ‘can’t fucking stop talking’ bit, and that was exactly how he felt too, but he couldn’t give it much thought at the moment. Everything Shane was saying was far more important to him. Why did he feel like they were being completely honest with each other for maybe the first time? Shane’s conviction that he would die soon made Reza’s eyes and nose sting, and he was helpless to stop the tears from spilling over as his jaw clenched. “I won’t let you send me away,” he said, his voice strong despite the emotion in it. “I’ll come back if you try. Because as much as you don’t want me to die? That’s how much I don’t want you to die, Shane. It hurts me every time you talk like that and I just wanna shake you sometimes. Maybe you didn’t have much to live for before, but you do now. There’s a future for us, I know it. I just found you, you don’t get to leave me yet.” Reza’s voice finally cracked and he swallowed hard. “And my family won’t hate you, because I love you, and they love me. We don’t have to rush anything. You can learn how to do anything you want, you’ve done it so far.”
"You're making a coward out of me," Shane said and his eyes were tearing up again because apparently this was all just too much and he was still hurting from Reza's strange outburst earlier. It only hurt worse because he had no way to direct his anger when it wasn't Reza's fault and he was so vulnerable and hurt himself that Shane couldn't even be annoyed with him. "I was fine with dying young, it was kind of a relief, you know? Not having to worry about the future and growing old. But I want to live now and how the fuck do I fight if I need to live?" He wiped at his eyes again, then pulled Reza in close in a one-armed hug, holding his cocktail out safely. "There's gotta be a smarter way to do this and I'm not smart enough to think of one."
Reza needed that embrace, and he clung to Shane as well as he could with a half-empty plastic cup in his hand. He buried his face into Shane’s shoulder, feeling overwhelmed by everything that was happening. How did a fun afternoon at a damn carnival turn so weird and bad, but also good and honest? Reza didn’t know the smarter way to do it all either. He was no tactician, his life had been all about music and magic and his family up until now, safe and successful. And now he was mixed up in this weird war with no idea how it was all going to turn out. All he knew for sure was that he would protect Shane with everything he had. “You’re not alone with it,” Reza murmured. “The others ... we’ll have help. Maybe together we can all make sure none of us die at all, you know?” He could understand where all of Shane’s pessimism came from, he just had no idea if it was accurate or just paranoid. He tightened his grip on his man. “I need you to try to live. Please.”
"I'm not trying to die," Shane mumbled against the side of Reza's head, his hand in a tight fist against his back. He suspected he was going to get a headache after this because it felt like he was holding back a damn tsunami of all sorts of emotions with only a little bit of them trickling through. "It just didn't matter as much before I met you, you know?" And fuck why was he still talking. He clenched his jaw before pressing a quick kiss on Reza's temple and pulling back - though not letting go of him fully. He should probably want to leave now but the thought of going home and facing everything he'd just said and heard felt like a little too much. "Do you want to go somewhere else? Or should we go on the ferris wheel and hope it's not fucking cursed too?"
The kiss was slightly reassuring, but Reza still felt awful. He tossed a wary glance up at the huge ferris wheel. If there was something fucked up about it too, he wasn’t sure he wanted to get on it. But it was rotating with a full load of people, and they all seemed fine from where he was standing. Reza mostly felt like going home to curl up and cry somewhere, just to vent some emotion, but he didn’t feel right asking for that. “I’ll do whatever you want to do,” Reza answered quietly. He felt like there was more to say, he just had no idea where to start or if he even should or even what. This had all been painful for both of them, but he still felt like the bad guy, and bad guys didn’t deserve to have their preferences.
Shane was still thinking about what he'd just said. Was he trying to die? He'd never actively tried to kill himself but he'd lived on the edge for so long, flirting with danger in so many ways. The need to blurt out everything he was thinking seemed to have passed so he kept this to himself. He'd never had anything to live for but himself but now he did and it was somehow more terrifying than the thought of dying ever had been. He tossed the plastic cup with the rest of his cocktail away in a trash bin as they walked, holding onto Reza tightly in the line to the wheel. It was probably stupid to not want to leave, this place was obviously fucking with them, but Shane felt both stubborn and afraid of leaving and being alone with Reza just yet. He didn't want to leave this place with a bad taste in his mouth, like if they stayed he could fix this somehow and it would still end up being a fun experience. Going on a ferris wheel turned out to be pretty much the same as going somewhere alone. As they started moving he realized there wasn't much to do up there but what they had been doing so far: cling to each other and talk. "We should go to Dragonfly after this," he mumbled as they started moving forward and up, a few feet at a time to let other people climb aboard their own little carts. "That place is like a valium."
Reza tried not to be anxious as they climbed into their spot on the ferris wheel. If there was any ride that was going to go catastrophically wrong, this would be a bad one. But it seemed unlikely that it would happen to them -- they couldn’t be that unlucky, right? Strike three of Weird Shit? At least Shane hadn’t let go of him, Reza wasn’t sure he’d be able to keep his composure if he got pushed away. He kept hearing himself saying terribly mean things, and then confessing terribly stupid things ... but at the same time he was relieved the stupids ones were out. At least that timing guessing game could stop now. If Shane didn’t decide he was too hurt and didn’t want to say ‘I love you’ ever again. He didn’t know how to do relationships, he’d said so himself, and resolving conflict and forgiving were big parts of relationships. Reza nodded a bit at the suggestion, watching their perspective lift higher and higher. “And we know they don’t spike their drinks with truth serum or whatever,” he muttered. He really wanted to go home, but at least Dragonfly had feel-good magic running through it.
Shane had no idea how truth serums worked but yes, that sounded about right. A truth serum in the drink meant that whatever had happened in the tunnel had nothing to do with the truth and it seemed to have worn off already because he wasn't blurting out anything and everything anymore. He wasn't sure if it was a good or bad thing to have happened, he was embarrassed but maybe he'd needed to blurt some of those things out. He kept hurting Reza's feelings but now he'd pretty much told him he loved him and it was making more and more sense to him that that was exactly how he felt. "I'm sorry I asked you to marry me like that," he said as he kept going over everything they'd said and done today, before and during the carnival. "It was cold. I'll stop talking about dying all the time now."
Reza glanced over at him, something squeezing tighter in his chest, but not in a completely bad way. It was an apology he hadn’t expected to get, and it sounded like Shane actually understood why it had upset him now, which was the important part. “Thank you,” he murmured after a brief pause. “I appreciate both of those things.” Reza shifted in close enough to lean his head against Shane’s shoulder. It was a little easier to talk when they weren’t looking at each other. Plus it was warmer, with the breeze picking up as their cart climbed higher. “I hate that I said all that shit to you,” Reza told him softly. “I’ve always been such a huge asshole when I’m really angry, and that place just ... there was no reason for it, I was just suddenly so pissed at you. And then it just disappeared. It was fucked up though, I’m sorry.”
"That wasn't you," Shane said firmly. "It hurt, yeah, kinda the last thing I expected from you. But it's something I can deal with, especially if you didn't mean it. Now if you'd insulted my taste in clothes..." He shook his head, then gave Reza a little squeeze. "But seriously, I'm not ashamed of any of it. Some of it barely even feels like it was really me anymore." He knew Reza could have gone for something that hurt far more, called him a murderer - which he was - really gone for the jugular. The only part that had really hurt was thinking Reza was really disgusted with him and only suppressed it because Shane gave good dick. It helped that Reza had not only profusely apologized, he'd also done so when they were both obviously under some weird truth charm. And god, why had he told him he'd been planning to ditch him in Chicago? "Guess I can't trick you into leaving now. I'm sorry for that too."
He gave a tiny amused huff at the last part and moved one hand to rest on Shane’s stomach. “I know it was coming from a good place,” Reza murmured. He did believe that Shane really cared about him -- loved him, apparently -- and wanted to keep him safe. Reza felt the same way. But sometimes life wouldn’t let you be safe, not if you wanted to accomplish something, and the prospect of saving other kids from what Shane had gone through was motivating as hell. He tilted his head to look up at the side of Shane’s face. “Even if you managed to, and then you died fighting them, I would mourn you for the rest of my life, you know that, right?” he murmured. “I can’t just ... go home and forget about you, or all of this. You mean too much to me.” He wanted Shane in his future, he wanted them to have a chance to have a future, and see if they could actually make things work without this ax hanging over their heads.
"That's a lot of pressure," Shane mumbled and his nose stung again because apparently he was still stupidly emotional about all of this. "I feel like I just ruined your life. Like you should just run away and get over all of this before it gets worse." And that was something Shane would normally do but he felt incapable of it now. He couldn't even say he felt trapped because he could leave whenever he wanted. He had the means, he'd done it before, he just didn't want to. "I'd never get over you though," he added quietly. "Guess you ruined my life too." All those words felt like they could be hostile and at the same time they were declarations of love and confusion, of all those feelings that were just too big and scary. They felt somehow easier to say than sappy romantic things, truer to the subject than sweet nothings could ever be.
Reza could hear Shane’s real meaning in those words, but it still made him sad that Shane had such a fatalistic view of it all. He supposed he couldn’t blame him, now that he knew more about the trajectory of Shane’s life and what he’d been so convinced of about his future, but ... it still kind of hurt that he saw it all as a negative. Reza’s life didn’t feel ruined, it felt incredibly enhanced. He didn’t want to die, but even if they both went down in flames together destroying AIR, he didn’t know that he would regret any of this for a second. As they slowly lifted higher into the sky, Reza pressed in closer and hugged Shane tighter. He kissed the side of his neck and sighed softly, cheek on his shoulder. “Nobody’s stopping me from leaving, like you said,” Reza murmured. He wished he could convince Shane that he hadn’t ruined anything and that they were going to survive this, but Reza didn’t know the right words. They probably didn’t exist, so he just tried to keep it simple. “I love you. It’s my decision to stay. Neither of those things is your fault.”
Shane tilted his head for a little more contact, tightening his hold on Reza and clutching his arm. This had been really messed up and in a way he felt a little violated. The only redeeming thing here was that he'd been with Reza and not someone else who couldn't handle his secrets. What might he have told someone else? At least Reza had wanted to hear him say he loved him so something good had come out of this, even if Shane hadn't felt ready at all and still didn't. The cat was out of the bag, there were no take-backs and he was kind of glad they'd gone on the ferris wheel now, it allowed for a little reprieve where they could just sit there and process what had happened. "For what it's worth, I'm glad you're staying, in a totally selfish, awful way," he mumbled. "I still wanna take you to Europe."
It was hard not to notice that Shane didn’t say ‘I love you’ back -- or the other couple of times Reza had said it now, in the winding course of this difficult conversation. Which probably meant that Reza should stop saying it. After all, Shane was only ‘pretty sure’ he was in love, and that probably wouldn’t have come out of his mouth if they hadn’t been drinking that stuff. Reza closed his eyes and tried to draw strength from all the free, expansive air all around them. He could be patient, couldn’t he? And he could make his own emotional needs stay patient too. He told himself he understood why it was like that, and even if it took a long time to change, it was worth it. Reza just hoped he could stay strong in that until Shane was ready to love him out loud. “Oh we’re going to Europe,” he murmured back with a tiny smile. “I’ve already been shopping in my head.”
"God yes," Shane said with a smile of his own and it was just the kind of light hearted thing he needed to hear. "I've never wanted to take anyone anywhere before," he said. "I can't imagine going alone now. We should go shopping anyway, drive up to Bangor, take a day to refresh our wardrobes and look amazing at the next party." Whatever party that might be, he thought and was instantly reminded of his conversation with Shan. "Oh. I'm investing in a small business here, did you ever want to learn to pole dance?" His voice was still a little watery, but he was doing his best to lighten up. It was so much nicer to think about dancing and shopping than it was about dying or worse yet, losing Reza.
Shopping in Bangor, Maine was a poor substitute for shopping in Milan, but it was better than nothing. A little retail therapy always did them good, it seemed, and after tonight they probably really needed it. Reza had been about to agree to the mini-trip when Shane changed tracks. His brows raised and he lifted his head to look at his man. “Wait ... what? Are you opening a strip club or something?” Reza asked, confused as to how those two things could be related. He was pretty sure there already was a strip club just outside of town -- Reza had never been, having no interest in watching women take their clothes off in some filthy smoky environment full of rednecks, as he was sure Cherries would be.
That got an honest laugh out of Shane, one that felt much needed and like a breath of fresh air. "God no," he drawled, tilting his head back and laugh-groaning empathically. "No no, I ran into a friend earlier, she wants to start teaching pole dancing as exercise and artsy stuff, you know?" He couldn't really say Shan was a friend, but it was easier than explaining how he knew her - or hardly knew her at all, if he was honest. He liked her though, she could definitely go on a list of friends for now. "I'm basically gonna hook her up with a place to do it and she's gonna give us some fun private lessons." He nudged Reza playfully, squeezing his arm. "I think you'd look hot as fuck. I mean you always do but fuck, a hot guy on a pole is just delicious."
“Ohhhh,” Reza hummed as understanding dawned on him. Of course Shane would be friends with a pole dancer, somehow that made complete sense. He’d seen people doing that sort of thing without stripping at shows and the like, and it was always impressive to watch. “That’s nice of you. It’s not something I ever thought about doing myself, but I’d give it a shot.” Reza couldn’t help but grin a little, picturing himself up high and swinging around a shiny pole, being all sexy. It made him wish he had the same powers Diego had, to make sure he never fell and really put on a show, but he was sure it would still be fun to learn to do it the natural way. “You’re gonna do it with me, right? I wanna see you up there, ass orbiting around a pole.” Reza grinned wider at him. It was good to hear him laugh for real.
"Of course," Shane all but purred. "Just get ready to see me fall on my ass a lot before it starts orbiting." He sniffled as he laughed, then tilted Reza's face up with his fingers to steal a kiss from him. "Thank you," he murmured and it might be a weird thing to say in the middle of a joking conversation about pole dancing, but he was sure Reza understood what he was really thanking him for; being willing to let go of the heavier subjects, of letting him laugh when he needed to, for loving him. There was a lot to be thankful for, really. "If I tell you I love you, what does it mean to you?" he asked quietly after sneaking another, longer kiss on Reza's lips. "I don't mean like, it means a lot or whatever, I mean... What does it mean."
Reza got a vague sense of deja vu and suddenly remembered that they’d had a conversation like this only a couple of days ago, after Zania’s fire party. Well, after some mind-blowing sex first, of course. He had been the one to say it first, he’d just been so high on magic and Zan’s weed and wine and not one but two orgasms ... no wonder it had just blended in with all the other goodness of that night. This confession had felt completely different, but he suddenly felt like a bit of pressure had been taken off. Reza kissed Shane with feeling, definitely understanding the ‘thank you’ on a deeper level. The question made him crack his eyes open but he didn’t pull away. “To me it means ... you want me entwined with your life. You’d miss me if I was gone for more than an afternoon. You want to share stuff with me you don’t want to tell anyone else, you feel safe with me. I’m not one of those people who believe you only fall in love with one person forever, so it’s not like ‘You and Only You For Eternity’ to me. But it’s a stronger feeling than friends or fuckbuddies. If my happiness makes you happy, I think you’re there,” he murmured. “Does that make sense?”
That was the nicest explanation of love Shane had ever heard and every single one of those things rang true to him. He was starting to think that nobody had the exact same definition of what being in love meant, but he didn't need to know them all; he only needed to know Reza's. "Yeah," he said softly as he processed every one of those things, tried them on for himself and found them fitting. He took his time, it felt okay somehow to be quiet on this ride and he looked away from Reza to stare out at the view, everything below them so small and insignificant. "I love you," he said when he looked back at Reza. "And I feel loved by you. It's fucking weird, I'm not gonna lie, but yeah."
Reza’s gaze lingered on Shane’s profile for a moment, then he gazed out around them too, letting the quiet settle. It felt like an okay quiet, not like Shane was silently freaking out because he didn’t connect with any of what Reza had said. It wasn’t really his place to define love for anybody else, but Shane had asked what it meant to him, and those were the best answers he had -- how he felt about Shane, and how he wanted to be loved. When his man spoke again, Reza met his eyes and smiled softly, his heart squeezing in his chest. “I can imagine it is,” he murmured, moving his hand to tangle fingers with Shane’s. “I’m so glad you feel it too, because I am literally crazy about you.” He huffed a tiny bit through his nose, his smile broadening a bit. “I love you too, Shane. We don’t have to say it constantly if you’re not comfortable with that, but ... I mean it.”
"I'm crazy about you sounds so much nicer," Shane said coyly, then huffed as well and leaned in to kiss Reza again. "And that's what it feels like. I'm fucking insane because of you and I'd just get crazier if you left me." God damn Jane had been right and if she could hear them now she'd cackle at him, he was sure. In his defense he hadn't known he was crazy about Reza when he brought him along, he was pretty sure. Or he had been pretty sure, it all seemed blurry now because Reza had always seemed to get to him on a level nobody else had. They'd fought early on and Shane hadn't left him. That spoke volumes. "I still don't know if I can be what you want if - when we survive all this."
It seemed obvious to Reza that they were both nuts on some level -- him especially, for following this man he barely knew to rural Maine and getting tangled up in all this dangerous AIR craziness. It all felt so right, which probably made him certifiable, but there he was, and Reza wasn’t bailing. Being separated from Shane while he went through this shit would really drive him crazy, he already knew it. He was involved now, and he couldn’t abandon the man he’d fallen in love with. Reza rubbed his thumb against Shane’s knuckles and pressed another kiss to his lips. “Don’t worry about that shit yet, okay?” he murmured. “I just want you. We’ll figure the rest of it out.”
It was so easy to believe him and that restless energy that had been starting up again inside of Shane seemed to fade away with the reassurance. "I don't know how you do that," he said softly. "But yeah, we'll figure it out." They were no longer enjoying the view, the wheel was moving down with intervals to let people out of their carts and Shane thought it was far too soon but that was okay, he was pretty sure he'd be comfortable anywhere as long as Reza was there. Except the damn tunnel, fuck that place. "Dragonfly after this?" he suggested. "Bet it's not busy, looks like half the town is here."
Reza wasn’t sure what he’d done that was confusing to Shane, but he didn’t ask. It was enough that they both had faith that they would find their way, if they found themselves alive once their mission was over. Reza knew already that Shane might struggle with surviving, since he’d seemed so sure he wouldn’t, but he would just do his best to be there for him through it. Then they could actually start building whatever kind of life they wanted. “Fuck yeah, Dragonfly,” Reza agreed with palpable relief. All of this carnival shit had been very intense, and he was ready for good feelings and clean drinks that only loosened their tongues the normal amount.