Who: Jules and Jasper When: Evening, Saturday, June 23 Where: The phone Status: Complete
It had been a strange day. Jules had slept for most of it, lost in dreams of smoke and the Fallows and waking up to the feeling of something crawling beneath her skin. The strange part was that it didn’t freak her out even though she knew it should have. But she didn’t mind it, not really. Maybe because her dreams had been euphoric, reminding her of how it felt in that place with Ethan. It was like they had brought it back with them somehow and how could she be freaked out about that?
Eventually, Jules dragged herself out of bed and padded into the bathroom where she washed her face and brushed her teeth. The sun was setting already but it felt like she had just woken up to get ready for the day. Did Ethan feel the same way too?
Splashing water on her face, Jules opened her eyes to examine herself in the mirror. That was when she spotted the movement just along her jaw, just beneath her skin. It was small and thin, almost a sliver. Jules reached up to touch it and felt it beneath her fingertips, slithering along the bone. And then it was gone and her finger pressed against smooth skin. At the same time, it felt like she had just taken a hit off of a really good joint and Jules let the feeling spread through her, erasing any concern that had begun to surface. She was just seeing things. She had slept too long and now her brain was still foggy.
Jules had just started brushing her hair when her phone buzzed with a message. Glancing down, she saw it was Jasper. They had been texting here and there over the past week so it wasn’t necessarily a surprise to see a message from him. Even so, Jules wasn’t really sure how to feel about it. She hesitated, then picked up the phone.
lol guess what my uncle did
Uncle. Uncle. Which uncle? Did he have more than one? Jules stared at the phone, struggling to even place a name with Jasper’s family. That was strange too since she was pretty sure she knew their names, given how long she had Jasper had dated. Shaking it off, Jules decided it didn’t really matter.
I’m almost afraid to ask but tell me anyway She thumbed back, leaving her bathroom to go back to her bedroom so she could sit.
Jasper had been up for a long time, by contrast. All day, really, since his work shift had started at nine in the morning. He was finally off and home and he’d been thinking about Jules in the shower. He’d had fun with Logan the other night at the family get-together, and he loved the guy, but ... he missed his girl. Jasper concentrated on her sometimes, placing where she was in the map that lived in his mind. He tried not to do it too often, worried that some day he would find her at Ethan’s place, but occasionally it was the only way he could feel close to her at all. They’d texted, yeah, but it wasn’t the same. Jules’s replies were mostly short and distant, like she struggled just as much as he did with what to say.
Tonight his basement was too quiet and he didn’t want anybody else’s company, restlessly rolling from one side to the other while he lounged in bed. Jasper had stared at his phone for a long time, writing and deleting messages until he found one casual enough. Caden’s idiocy was as good of an In as any, right? His heart squeezed when Jules replied almost immediately, and he smiled faintly as his thumbs moved over the keyboard.
him and his fiancee broke up, so he went to atlantic city ... got wasted ... and married a stripper He added a cry-laughing emoji and hit send.
That didn’t really help fix the dilemma as to which uncle it was. Because she recalled now that he had two uncles and both were getting married. Right? Why was her brain so fuzzy on the details? Jules fell back onto the rumpled blankets as she pondered a lighthearted response. It felt kind of weird seeing laughing emojis from Jasper but on some level she was glad he was doing okay. His dumb uncle had given him a reason to laugh and that was a good thing. That was what she wanted - Jasper to be okay, even if it wasn’t with her. At least right now she wasn’t wallowing or sad. She was floaty and confused but not in a concerning way anymore. Just like she’d smoked too much pot. And she’d had a good couple of days and maybe she felt some guilt over it but this is what they were supposed to do. Jules stared at Jasper’s message for another moment before it suddenly surfaced that one of his uncles was going to be a dad. That helped a little and Jules bit into her lower lip as she responded.
wait your uncle married a stripper? The one with the pregnant girlfriend? Or the other one??
Jasper heard Jules’s voice in his head as he read her text, and he grinned. This had been a good excuse to text her, something funny and dumb and completely unrelated to them and their situation. Even though communicating through all this was hard sometimes, it was better than going no contact had been. Jasper didn’t want to lose touch with her, but he didn’t want every conversation to be heavy and hard, either. He loved her, he missed her company and her laugh. caden, the other one. been w his not pregnant gf like 5 years, just broke up friday. now hes married and back home w the stripper. like wtf lol
He followed up with a second message right after: she came over here, charlie had a family bbq for us to meet her. so weird. He set his phone down on his chest and looked up at the ceiling for a moment, wishing he had something around that smelled like Jules. Maybe she would invite him over again, like another booty call. Should he ask to see her first? Fuck, this was hard.
That was pretty weird. How can someone be with someone else for five years and never get married and then all of the sudden go and marry a stranger? The guy must have been totally wasted. Or maybe he was just hurt and didn't know how to handle it. People could be stupid sometimes. Jules rolled over onto her stomach, rubbing idly at the strange slithering feeling just behind her ear. It faded as soon as she touched it but Jules was too focused on her texting with Jasper to think much of it.
that's like a rebound on steroids. what's she like? is she nice at least? Leave it to Ms. Harris to have a family get together to meet the woman. Jules felt a faint pang in her chest. She missed Jasper's family, especially his dad. She hadn't gone to see him much since she and Jasper broke up but she hoped he wasn't taking it personally. It was just too hard and reminded her too much of things she was trying to forget. Even now she felt a yearning to see Jasper, to touch him and curl up next to him. It was a feeling Jules wasn't sure would ever completely go away.
Rebound on steroids was definitely an accurate assessment, and Jasper chuckled faintly. didn’t talk to her much but she seemed ok... don’t think dad likes her he told Jules. He kind of wished he’d called her instead, he wanted to hear her voice. Would it be weird to call her now? Probably, especially without asking first. Jasper knew without having to focus much that she was at home, but was she alone? On a Saturday night? Though maybe she wouldn’t be talking to him at all if she had company at her house. He was really overthinking this, wasn’t he? Nibbling on his bottom lip, he felt some nerves coiling in his stomach as he thumbed out another text. can i facetime you? Jasper hesitated for a second, then sent it. The worst she could say was no, right? Well, the worst she could say was no because Ethan was in bed with her and she hated Jasper’s guts and he should go away forever, but ... too late now.
Jules supposed Mr. Lucas couldn't be blamed for not liking someone he barely knew, but maybe he was a perceptive person who could see this new lady wasn't good for Jasper's uncle or something. Family drama. There had been very little of that in Jules's house and for that she was thankful. Jules was in the process of responding when Jasper's question came through. Facetime. She hesitated, chewing on her lower lip. It was probably better than him coming to her house, or vice versa, even if she wished it would happen. But then, she was full of bad ideas lately, wasn't she? Even though she had just woken up, Jules didn't feel the urge to run back into the bathroom to put on any makeup. She had washed her face and brushed her hair and that was really all she had energy for now. So she responded with sure... followed by a quick smiley face in case he thought she was reluctant. It took a moment but then he was calling and her heart was pounding in her chest as she answered the call, scooting back on her bed to get comfortable. "Hi," she said with a small smile.
Jasper’s own heart sped up while it rang, then squeezed tighter when Jules appeared on his phone screen. Even with no makeup, she was so beautiful, and he immediately felt emotional. He could see that she was in bed, just like he was, and he ached to be right next to her with their skin pressed together. Too bad he’d fucked everything up for them, and maybe nothing would ever be the same again. “Hey,” he replied with his own small smile. Jasper propped himself up against some pillows, trying not to shake the phone too much. He cleared his throat softly. “Thanks, I just ... wanted to see your face. How’s it goin’?” That probably sounded lame as hell, but he hadn’t asked after her yet over text, and he wanted to know how she was. It always felt like people were more honest with their answers when they were actually seen and heard.
They had been texting each other here and there since the last time they saw one another, but it was different seeing his face again. There was a sudden surge of sadness and guilt, but also a warmth she hadn't really felt since he had last spent the night. Whatever it was floating around in her brain seemed to sense the more negative emotions surfacing inside of her because they faded rather quickly, pushed away by the rationale that she was single... and so was he. Sometimes it was easy to forget that when they were talking. "It's going okay," Jules said, and at least she meant that. Things weren't great but they didn't suck as bad anymore either. Progress. "What about you? How're things besides having a brand new aunt?"
‘Okay’ was better than ‘bad,’ so Jasper was dimly glad for that. He didn’t want Jules to feel bad, especially not long term. He just hoped she was being honest about it and not just brushing him off. “They’re uh, still pretty up and down,” he admitted, shrugging one bare shoulder. If he wanted honesty from her, Jasper supposed he had to give it, too. “I started my job, don’t remember if I told you. Working for Ruby’s dad at his shop. So if your car needs any work or anything, I can probably get you a discount.” He offered her another tiny smile. “Other than that ... I dunno, Dad built me a shower down here, so that’s kinda nice.” It was mundane news, but Jasper wasn’t sure what else he wanted to talk about tonight. He really just wanted to stare at her, but that would be weird.
Ruby's dad. Ruby. Jules stared blankly at the phone until it clicked. Ruby Fox. Whatever she and Ethan had inhaled in that place on Wednesday was definitely sticking around. If it hadn't been hitting her in euphoric batches she might have been concerned. Still, Jules was happy to hear Jasper was working again, and it wasn't all that surprising to hear Mr. Lucas had been helping him feel more at home at Ms. Harris's either. As long as someone was looking out for Jasper, Jules supposed she didn't have to worry so much about him anymore. He probably had Logan around a lot too. She tried to think of some mundane news on her end, but her mind wasn't exactly cooperating. Jules's eyes caught sight of movement along her knuckles, the same little slivers she had seen in the mirror earlier. That had to be concerning. So why wasn't she concerned? "It feels weird making small talk with you," Jules murmured finally. "Like I should have a ton to tell you about but it's like... I don't know... not the same." Not like it was when they were together. All the personal, deep stuff in her life felt off limits now that things had changed.
Jasper’s stomach sank and he could feel the way his expression got heavier, even that trace smile fading away. She sounded about as sad as he felt, and it was almost like a weight that settled over his whole body. It wasn’t the same, he couldn’t deny that. He didn’t know what else to say to her either, but that didn’t stop that yearning in him to talk to her. But Jasper couldn’t assume that Jules had the same desire, just because she’d agreed to talk to him for a minute tonight. They’d never been the best communicators in the first place, but it made Jasper’s chest hurt to know that she found it hard to talk to him. Even though they weren’t together, he still wanted to know how she was doing, if she was okay, how her weird stuff was going ... and he wanted her to want to know how his weird stuff was going. It was just so hard to know where to start with any of it, or if he should even start. “Yeah,” Jasper said softly back after a long pause. “Sorry.” He paused again as he swallowed, trying to keep his voice steady and neutral. “Do you wanna talk about big stuff? Or uh, do you want me to let you go?”
“No, I don’t want you to let me go,” Jules said softly. And she wasn’t really talking about the phone call. She just wished he was there with her so they could sleep next to each other and not talk. Their bodies had always been better at showing their feelings anyway. But if he was there with her she wouldn’t want him to leave and then she would feel the same pain all over again when he did. They were both suddenly trying to figure themselves out and there were new complications to deal with. It was just hard to figure out where she fit into his life now. And where he fit into hers. “Why don’t you talk to me about the big stuff,” she suggested, shifting onto her side to get even more comfortable. “How’s your GPS stuff going? Have you been able to talk to anyone else about it?” Maybe he wouldn’t want to talk to her about it but she hoped he would. She wanted him to feel better and normal again and maybe she could do that for him in some way, even if it was over the phone.
Jasper was glad she didn’t want to hang up, and he thought he could hear the other meaning in those words. It made him want to be there with her even more. Her question immediately made him think of Sage, however, and guilt lanced through him again. Jasper knew he shouldn’t, they technically weren’t together and he was free to fool around with anybody who struck his fancy, but he still felt it. “Yeah,” he answered truthfully. He and Sage had talked about it before they’d temporarily made each other feel better. “I talked to one of the guys who was over there with me ... he’s developed a big thing too, a different thing. He can close his eyes and turn invisible. He did it for me, it was the craziest shit. Well ... maybe not the craziest anymore, but it was pretty weird.” They had both been through some weird-ass shit, so Jasper’s ideas of what was possible had greatly expanded, and he was sure Jules’s had too. “I haven’t tracked anybody else down yet, but I want to. I feel like we all have something like that happening.”
Jules certainly believed more was possible now than she ever had before but hearing that someone could become invisible? That made her brows raise in surprise. Jules could open doorways to weird worlds so why did invisibility seem so implausible? "That does sound pretty crazy," Jules said. "And kind of creepy too... not knowing if someone is nearby watching you and stuff. Carson... the werewolf... he can control that now. Like, become a werewolf anytime he wants." She had no idea if Jasper and Carson had spent any time around one another when they were gone. Considering Carson had attacked Jasper when he'd tried to pull Jules into the Other place, it was possible he'd avoided him after. "He couldn't do that before, so you're probably right. There's... always something in those other places," she murmured. "I don't think anyone can go in and come back normal."
“He -- Sage, I mean -- can only do it if he keeps his eyes closed,” Jasper clarified first, just to take a bit of the creepy edge off of it. He didn’t know if Sage would learn to open his eyes while he was invisible later on, like Jasper was learning to use his inner GPS, but it didn’t need to be mentioned right then. He didn’t have any hard feelings about the werewolf guy anymore, he knew Carson and Jules had been closely connected because of the dream stuff. So hearing that news about him was kind of cool. “That’s good, if there’s like, one thing you want to control, I guess being a big furry death machine is it. I didn’t see him a lot, he hung out with the old guy mostly, but I know he was like, killing monsters for us and stuff.” He went quiet for a beat as he chewed on the last part of what Jules said, his brows furrowing a bit as he studied her. “At least not for very long,” Jasper murmured. “Do you? Feel not-normal?” He didn’t know how often she was using her portals, or how long she stayed in Other Places, it all made his stomach hurt with fear for her.
Only becoming invisible when his were closed? Sure that took away the creep factor but did that mean he would be running into everything then? The mental image of an invisible man flailing about blindly down the street nearly made Jules giggle. But she was more focused on Jasper, relieved that he didn't seem to harbor any ill will toward Carson. It did make her feel a bit queasy to think of Carson, even werewolf-Carson, having to kill monsters in the fog. He could have died... they all could have died. They hadn't but it was still something Jules carried with her every day. She considered Jasper's question before her lips twitched into a faint smile. "I haven't felt normal in a long time. I'm kind of getting to the point where I'm just like, accepting it. I can't change it anyway."
Jasper realized that had probably been a dumb question. Nothing had been normal for them for like a whole year now, and once again he missed being that stupid invincible teenager, just fucking a hot girl in his car. He was still pretty stupid, but he’d woken up to how fragile he really was. “I mean more, like ... do you feel like, infected?” he asked in a low murmur. “Like you don’t even ... belong here anymore, with people?” Jasper didn’t want her to feel bad about what she’d had to do to all of them, he just wanted to know if she felt the same things he did. Jules hadn’t been stuck in that place for months, but had she been in other Bad places? Or did all of them make everyone feel like an alien when they came back? Or was it a more benign kind of not-normal? Jasper hoped for that, that she wasn’t as miserable as he was, just different.
Infected? Jules remembered what she had felt beneath her skin. Maybe she was infected. But it wasn't like the fog. It wasn't scary. It was like she was on a rollercoaster of euphoria and that was really hard to worry about. "I don't know if I feel infected in the way you mean," Jules answered after a moment of thought. "I mean, in a way, it's like... I feel out of place? There are a ton of people who would never believe that I can do what I can do... and some people who'd probably like, experiment on me and shit like I'm not even a person if they found out about me. But having people around who understand and are trying to help me makes it easier to deal with." People was Ethan but Jules didn't want to shift the tone of the conversation by saying his name. "I think that might help you too, Jasper. Surrounding yourself with people who understand you and are going through the same thing. Feeling alone makes everything worse."
That definitely sounded different from how he felt, and it gave Jasper mixed feelings. He was mostly glad that she felt more human than he did, but there was a sense of loneliness mixed in too. Jules was completely right, of course, about him needing more contact with the others who might be feeling the same way he was, but she would never truly get it, and that made him lonely in a special way. Jasper wished he could just crawl through the phone and curl up around her, smell her hair, feel the softness of her skin. “Yeah, it does,” he said, his voice a little rusty. It had felt good to talk to Sage, but running into him had been a happy accident. Jasper had a hard time making himself reach out. He had Greer’s number and he’d looked at it several times, but he hadn’t used it yet, nor had he tracked down any of the others. He could feel them out there in a dim way, he knew he could find them if he concentrated, he just hadn’t done it yet. “I’m glad you have help, Jules,” Jasper murmured. “Wish I could be part of it.”
Jules felt the desperate need to ask Jasper to come over. Not even for sex, but just to sleep beside her. She missed feeling his body pressed up against hers and his arm around her. But she knew as soon as the sun came up he would leave again. The wounds she felt from their break up were finally starting to scab over... asking Jasper to come to her bedroom would only rip them open again. But god, she wanted to. "I wish I could help you too," she said, once she was sure her voice wouldn't shake and betray the emotion she was feeling. "I know you don't feel it right now, but you do belong here. With your dad and Amelia, and everyone else who loves you. You belong with me." Jules knew it was probably a stupid thing to say but it was the truth and she felt like speaking the truth. "You'll feel it again. You just need the right people to help you."
Her voice was steady, but Jasper thought he could see some of how much it all affected her on her face. You belong with me -- it made his chest hurt, but it was still good to hear her say those words. Jasper knew it was true, he was just so afraid that she wouldn’t be able to wait for him. How much patience did he really deserve? His throat worked to push the emotion down as he gave a small nod, but he couldn’t help the way his lashes got wet all of the sudden. He thought of how fucked up and broken Elodie was, how unhappy Sage had seemed -- could they actually help each other? Were these the ‘right’ people? He sure as fuck didn’t feel like he could help anyone. Jasper turned the camera away from him for a second as he adjusted his position to lie down and wipe at his eyes. He sniffed, cleared his throat, and faced Jules again. “I hope you’re right. I’ll uh, I’ll reach out to some of them soon, this week,” Jasper murmured. He swallowed hard again. “I miss you. I don’t wanna ... make it harder for you, but ... it’s true.”
Jules would have given anything to be the person Jasper needed in his life to get through whatever it was he was going through. He had always turned to her before and now she felt woefully inadequate. Like she was lacking in more than just not having a dick. If she could have magically snapped her fingers and made everything better for Jasper, she would have. Jules felt like she knew him well enough to know he was feeling as emotional as she was, even if he was trying to hide it. "I miss you too," Jules said. It would be stupid and pointless to lie about it. It did make things a bit harder because she wanted to be selfish and tell him that if he really missed her he would be there with her... but it wasn't as black and white as all of that. "I just... wish I could be what you needed. It's been hard getting used to not being with you."
Jasper knew it had to be difficult on Jules’s end -- she had spent months thinking he was never coming back, that he would die over there because of what she’d had to do ... and when he had come back, he was a complete mess and needed time alone for various reasons, one of which was to explore his sexuality, which really just threatened their whole relationship ... Jasper got it. He was pretty stupid a lot of the time, but he understood why Jules was hurting. As much as she wished she could fill those needs for him, he wished he could rewind everything and not have those needs in the first place. The only direction they could go was forward though, he just hoped their paths would converge again. “Yeah, I’m sure,” he answered softly. “I wish that too, for both of us. I know it’s all like, hard to understand and have sympathy for ... I get pissed at myself about it all too ... just know that ... fuck, what am I trying to say.” He ended in a mutter to himself, his free hand coming up to rub at his face. “You’re just ... still on my mind and in my heart, even if it doesn’t seem like it from there, okay?” he said, hoping hard that she understood.
It was difficult but Jules found she was slowly starting to be okay. She didn't wake up checking her phone anymore, or hoping every car door she heard outside was Jasper coming to tell her he wanted her back. It was all still there, in the back of her mind, but the pain was becoming more tolerable. She didn't know if it was from not seeing him every day, or having her friends around more or just finally coming to accept Jasper had to do whatever it was he had to do. She still had no idea if he would really come back to her or not and maybe she had to stop thinking about it in order to live her life and enjoy the summer. Jules thought about Ethan with a pang of guilt, but at the same time... maybe all of this was just meant to happen. "I know," she murmured. "And... no matter what happens, I feel the same way too, okay? I do understand... if I didn't, I think this would be much harder, you know?"
He didn’t know if she did fully understand, if anybody could really understand. Jasper doubted it. Maybe some of the fog folks, but there were extra layers to what Jasper was going through beyond that other place. Not only had he been locked up in there for months and come back Different like them, he was a killer now too, of someone in his own fucking family. Then on top of that was the sexuality stuff ... so he was a murdering bisexual freak of nature. Who could ever understand all of that, and how it played into his existing self-loathing, maladjusted brain? Jasper thought for the millionth time that Jules was better off without him and his trunk full of baggage. He couldn’t tell her that though, he knew she wouldn’t accept it, and he didn’t want to have that same argument again. Nor did he want to upset her. “I’m glad you do,” he murmured after a pause. He was glad that she still thought about him, and that she understood as much as she did. That was all he could really ask for.
Jules maybe understood better than Jasper thought she did, but this wasn't a "who is the bigger freak?" contest. He had already told her he couldn't be the guy she needed and she had finally started to accept it. Crying wasn't going to change anything and she was so tired of crying. It was difficult for her not to see these brief conversations as some kind of... closure on Jasper's part. Like he was just checking in on her to make sure she was okay while he moved on. And then eventually he would tell her it was really over and pray she was numb enough not to make a scene. Jules hated that part of her brain. She just wanted to shut everything down so she never had to feel anything ever again... and who cared if that was melodramatic. Certainly not Jules. She struggled to think of anything else to say. I love you seemed like a bad idea and some part of her didn't want to hear him say it ever again unless it was while asking her to come back to him. The slithering sensation just behind her ear distracted her for a brief moment and she reached up to rub at it with her free hand. "Have you and Logan... you know...?" The question was out before Jules could really think it through but suddenly she wanted to know and it was like something turned off in her brain, pushing emotion to the bottom of everything else going on inside of it.
On his end, Jasper was also groping around in his brain for something more to say. So many topics didn’t seem safe to talk about with Jules anymore, and it made him sad. He was sure it made her sad too, but there wasn’t much he could do about it yet. Jasper hadn’t given up hope that he would get his shit together enough to return to his and Jules’s relationship in the future, even though it was hard to think about when he was still in the middle of it all. He just hoped Jules meant what she said and she would still love him when he came out on the other side. Her question made him freeze up a bit, a cold mix of fear and shame flashing through his gut. Hadn’t she said she didn’t want to hear about any of that? Or was it just implied? He couldn’t remember now. Jules’s tone only sounded curious, but Jasper didn’t trust that. She had to be feeling more. His cheeks felt hot and he couldn’t quite meet her eyes through the screen as he thought about the best way to answer. “You don’t want to hear about that, Jules,” he mumbled finally, looking pained. Surely she didn’t really want an answer, right? It wasn’t hard to guess, anyway.
It didn't take a genius to know Jasper's response meant yes. She hadn't asked to upset him and oddly, she didn't feel upset. Jasper had already admitted he'd fooled around with Logan - probably while they were still together... was that cheating? - and she knew he wanted to do it again. Why wouldn't he, if they had broken up already? "I wouldn't have asked if I hadn't wanted to hear about it," Jules said simply. The edges of her vision had turned a smoky black and whatever it was wriggling around beneath her skin was helping her maintain some semblance of calm. "Isn't that a big part of why we broke up? It's a part of who you are and we're not together anymore. I guess I'd have to be a total moron not to think it hasn't already happened." She wanted to believe he had waited... grieved their relationship for a while... but Jules wasn't dumb.
He had no idea how to take what she was saying -- Jules sounded calm and fine, but she hadn’t been calm in the past about this subject. Did that mean she was over it, over him? Was that last part meant to be a jab at him? Jasper honestly couldn’t tell, and it was kind of distressing. It was a big part of why they’d broken up, and he really hadn’t waited very long -- funny that he’d run to Portland with Logan kind of like how Caden had run to Atlantic City. Maybe that kind of shit was genetic too. “You’re not a moron,” Jasper said finally. It seemed like the safest thing in his brain to give voice to. “Yes, it’s happened, and yes it’s a part of who I am. I dunno what else you want me to say about it.” Surely Jules didn’t want the details about what it was like, how confusing it still was sometimes, how much else he and Logan had done together since, his thoughts and feelings about it, any of that. Jasper didn’t know if she was punishing him or herself by asking, but it didn’t feel good.
Jules didn't feel like she was punishing him. Maybe she was punishing herself, in some subconscious way. She was the reason he was feeling this way after all. But if he was really bisexual, isn't that something he should talk about? Maybe he didn't want to talk about it with her, and that was fine too. It still stung to understand that she hadn't been enough for him in the first place. "You don't have to say anything else about it if you don't want to," Jules said, her gaze shifting away from the phone for a few moments. "It's probably dumb for us to talk to each other about these things. What we do apart from each other is... I don't know. I guess I was just curious. It's hard not to be. Sometimes I think about what you're doing and if you're happy, that's all."
The rub of it was that Jasper did want to talk about it with her. She’d become a best friend to him over the past year, on par with but different than Logan. Jules had always had a good head on her shoulders about things, and part of him wanted to just lay it all out and get her perspective and reassurance that what he felt was normal and he wasn’t less of a man and all that shit ... but he knew it would hurt her, and Jasper didn’t want to do that. They couldn’t be objective with each other. Part of his brain jumped on her phrasing -- ‘what we do apart from each other’ -- and wanted to demand to know what she was doing too, but he pushed that down. It wasn’t his business and it wasn’t fair to act crazy about it. “Well, you can rest assured that I’m not happy, that’s for fuckin’ sure,” Jasper muttered. Everyone wanted him to be, they kept saying it like it was just some lightswitch he could flick, and he was really getting tired of hearing the H-word. “But that would be true no matter what. I just ... I dunno, it seemed like you definitely didn’t want to know. Maybe it wouldn’t be dumb, maybe it would be good, but I don’t wanna ... rub it in or something.”
"I'm not happy that you're unhappy," Jules said, just so he understood that much. "And I'm not telling you that you should be. I'm just saying that's what I want for you, however it happens. And I wish I could do more to help you get there. Maybe it's fucking stupid for me to want to know but sometimes it's harder not to. I think about you all the time," she said with a slight air of exasperation in her tone. "It's torture sometimes, okay? It's getting easier and maybe I just need to not care about what you're doing so we can both... do whatever we want. I don't want to feel guilty. I don't want you to feel guilty either. I know you feel fucked up about what you're going through but it may help some just to talk about it. You don't have to tell me any like, x-rated details, but... just how you feel. I told you I'd be there for you and that hasn't changed, okay?" She forced herself to stop and take a breath, wishing she could somehow snap her fingers and always say just the right thing at just the right time. She and Jasper had never been very good at communicating verbally and since sex was off the table, she just felt like she kept fucking things up when they did talk.
The feeling was mutual -- Jasper sucked at talking. He’d been trying to do more of it here and there, to certain people about certain things, but it was hard and it hurt and he did feel guilty when it came to Jules. There was this sense hanging over him that he was still cheating, even though they weren’t together. And that he was being incredibly selfish and that was Bad. He almost laughed at both of them wanting the other to be happy and fine while they were miserable, like it was some martyr contest, like the other could just stop caring. Jasper’s eyes were averted and brow furrowed while he tried to get his words in order. “I do feel guilty,” he murmured finally, still looking elsewhere besides his phone camera. “All the time. About you, about Logan, about my grandfather. I feel guilty and selfish and fucked up. And sometimes I can forget everything and I feel good for a minute and then I feel guilty again. And I feel like ...” Jasper scraped his teeth over his bottom lip, “... like less of a man. For liking what I do. Like it’s a weakness, and I should never be that ... vulnerable, I guess. I dunno. I dunno how I really feel about any of it yet. Still. Which is like, more guilt and shame, ‘cause I should have it figured out by now.” But he was an idiot, so he hadn’t. Those feelings were just the tip of the iceberg, but Jasper felt like it was probably time to stop, so he did.
Jules listened quietly, watching the expression on Jasper's face and the emotion in his eyes and voice. She had a feeling this wasn't easy for him to admit to her, or even to himself, but she was glad he was able to voice some of it. Jules could be selfish too and despite how badly she wanted him back, she knew it was important to come back when he was ready. She figured that meant she had grown a little since falling in love with him. Or maybe it was just how calm she felt right now, with no real desire to cry or beg. Jasper didn't need any of that on his shoulders. When he fell silent, Jules's brow furrowed thoughtfully. She could tell him not to feel guilty about anything but that was just like telling him to be happy. They were easy words to say, but genuinely feeling them was much harder.
"I know it'll be easy to dismiss anything I tell you, Jasper, but you're not less of a man because you like guys too," she said quietly. "You've admitted it to yourself, right? And you're... exploring that side of who you are. Some people, like, live their entire lives denying that stuff and they're miserable, right up until they die. I never liked being vulnerable with anyone until I was able to do it with you and I know it's not really the same, but it's scary and also like, it feels really good too, especially when you're with someone you trust. I can't tell you how to feel and I know you probably won't believe me, but... despite everything else, I'm like, really proud of you for at least trying to figure out who you are."
Jasper wasn’t sure how to explain to her that it was a different kind of vulnerability than what he’d always felt with her. He didn’t want to be crude and Jules didn’t want details ... but after the way he’d been raised, it was hard not to think of being fucked in the ass as some kind of emasculating thing. Which was why he could really only picture doing that with Logan. Jasper trusted only him that much, it had to be his best friend. He’d sucked Sage’s cock, sure, but that was different. Jules was right about how some people never allowed themselves to explore though, and how tragic that was, and it made him feel dumb and emotional all over again. Like maybe Jules understood more than he was giving her credit for. “Thanks, Jules,” he murmured with a small sniffle. Jasper tried to smile but it wobbled a bit. “I do believe you, and it means a lot. Seriously. And it’s ... I felt -- feel -- vulnerable with you too, you know? I don’t want you to think that’s what I’m saying. It’s just ... easier, with you. I dunno if that’s ‘cause you’re a girl, or we’re in love, or how the sex works or ... what. I dunno if I could ever get there with a guy, like a relationship. It feels weird to think about. But ... yeah, I dunno.” He rubbed his hand over his face again. “Mostly I’m still just trying to adapt to being back home.”
Jules supposed she learned a little after figuring out Bash was gay and seeing what he had gone through just to accept it for himself, let alone dealing with his family. Her perception of everything had just been colored by her love for Jasper, and feeling inadequate. But those were her own issues to deal with. She swallowed hard but kept her expression neutral when he mentioned being in a relationship with a guy. Maybe he would get there someday. Maybe it would be with Logan. Maybe Jules's dreams of the future were all imaginary and unrealistic. She really needed to just stop daydreaming and fantasizing and get on with things. "I know," she said after clearing her throat. "You were gone a long time. It was dumb for me to think everything would just be the same when you came home and I know it'll probably take a while for you to feel normal again... or at least close to something resembling normal. But I think you have people who'll be there for you and listen when you need it. You can really only take things at your own pace, right?"
Jasper looked pained again. “It wasn’t dumb, Jules, hope isn’t dumb,” he told her quietly. “I had the same hope. It was just ... I dunno, unrealistic, I guess. But who could even know how to handle that kind of shit? Especially a couple of teenagers.” Everything had been insane, it wasn’t like there was some self-help book they could pick up to learn how to cope -- Trapped in Horrible Hell Dimensions For Dummies. They were both winging everything, and even the adults around him seemed unsure how to handle or help him. “But yeah, my own pace ... Just know that I’m trying, okay? I’m not like, stalling or not thinking about us -- because I do, a lot. I’m just still struggling a lot too, but I’m trying to get better.” He was opening up more to his family, those people who wanted to be there for him, and he really was going to seek out more people who intimately knew what he’d been through. Jasper could only hope that would help him. If it didn’t, he was out of ideas. Maybe that was why he’d been hesitant to find out.
Unrealistic. That was probably a good word for the whole thing. Her mind immediately reminded her of every single unrealistic fantasy she had regarding Jasper and maybe her own future. Every time she thought about it in the past she had wanted to cry. Now it just seemed... settled. Like it simply was what it was. Time to accept it and move on. Jules rubbed her fingers behind her ear again before nodding. "I know you're trying. That's all I really want... is for you to get better and be... I don't know, I feel silly saying happy again, because who's ever really happy here? I don't want the idea of us hanging over you like... like some kind of pressure. Just, you know... keep focusing on yourself and stuff." She was starting to feel a little flushed but kept her gaze on Jasper. "I'll always be around if you ever want to talk. Again, I mean. This is nice."
He did feel pressure, and their relationship hanging over him. Some days it felt crushing, some days it was something to reach for as hard as he could. He could also feel the weight of Jules’s demand that he know exactly what he wanted when he came back to her. Jasper didn’t want to tell her that, though, like he was complaining about something neither of them could change. Even though he knew it was what he needed to do, he still felt a gnawing guilt in his stomach when she told him to keep focusing on himself, like it was more of an accusation than friendly advice. Jasper told himself again that he was trying. If Jules couldn’t wait for him to get his shit together, then ... that would be her choice. It would hurt a lot, but he’d already been through a lot of pain and survived, right? Right. “Same here,” he murmured, steadily looking back at her. “I’m not much help with ... anything, but I’m here if you need me. I miss talking to you, and, y’know ... you talking to me.”
Sometimes Jules thought about what she said to Jasper, about how she wanted him to be sure of what he wanted before he came back to her. There were times she thought it might have been unfair... but at the same time, she didn't think she could handle being back with him and constantly wondering if he was going to want someone else later and break her heart again. It was a vicious cycle and she didn't really know how to make any of it better. All she could do at this point was just be supportive of what he was going through and stop holding onto things so tightly. She wished he understood that she always needed him- still needed him - but it felt wrong to dump her stuff on him now. He was going through enough and he had already told her once he couldn't be the guy she wanted. It wasn't his job to help her anymore or make her feel better. Jules didn't want to sink into some self-pitying mood, not after how nice she had been feeling for the past couple of days. So she offered him a small smile and kept her tone light. "I miss talking to you too. And I'm glad you wanted to talk tonight. It was nice to see your face."
As much as Jasper wished he could just shrug everything off and release it all and become the guy Jules had been dating before everything went to shit ... he couldn’t. Even if he didn’t have the words for it, he understood that sometimes people’s needs didn’t align, and right now both of theirs were off kilter. It hurt to know he couldn’t be who she needed him to be, but all Jasper could do was work on getting back to that place. He might feel pressure now, but he knew it would’ve been ten times worse if they’d tried to stay together through all of this, and he would just hurt Jules more. Whether she would still want him down the line was out of his control, Jasper just hoped she would keep loving him. He needed it. He smiled faintly back at her and nodded. “Yours too,” he told her softly. Part of him wanted to push for her to open up to him some more like he’d opened up to her, but it probably wouldn’t work anyway. He just hoped she was really okay. “Call me anytime, okay? Or swing by the shop to say hi sometime?”
It was such a generic goodbye, one that Jules would have said to a friend if they had called one another. She desperately wanted to keep him on the phone all the sudden. To tell him about Greg and how Dr. Wilkes had told her Neil and some other kids were responsible for her dad dying, how she was still thinking about her abortion and even though she was trying hard to be normal and positive and do something with herself, she felt fucked up too and she didn't know how to handle any of it. She wanted to ask him to come over, just to sleep beside her and hold her because then maybe she wouldn't have nightmares about the last four months. She wanted reassurances too. "I'll try," Jules promised, trying to manage another smile. "Tell your dad I said hi, okay? And we'll talk soon and stuff."
“I will,” Jasper mumbled, almost inaudible. It made him wonder if Jules would talk more openly to his dad than to him, and that felt strange to wonder about. He was glad they had gotten close while he’d been gone -- though he was also jealous in a certain way, of both of them. There seemed to be a lot of mixed emotions in Jules’s expression, and it made Jasper more hesitant to get off the phone. He scraped his teeth over his bottom lip as he looked at her quietly for a beat. “Sure you’re ready to go?” he asked finally. “Or do you have anything more you wanna talk about?” He knew she would probably say no and tell him she was fine again and hang up, but Jasper couldn’t help but ask.
Jules pulled a pained expression, not entirely sure what to say. She did want to talk to him, but at the same time, she had no idea what he really wanted to hear. Would the weight of all of her stuff only make it worse for him? "I don't know," Jules said after a moment. "Sometimes there feels like there's so much... too much, even. It can be overwhelming, you know? I just don't want to feel like... like I'm piling it all on you when you're already dealing with a lot." She wasn't trying to be a martyr or anything like that. But she didn't want Jasper to listen to her and feel guilty... or listen to her and be glad they were broken up, if she had too much baggage or something. Maybe he was asking just to be nice and he was secretly hoping she would say she was fine so they could get off the phone. And she hated feeling so insecure where Jasper was concerned. It was something she desperately wanted to change, to get back to feeling confident about herself again. Wednesday night had been a good first step... she couldn't go backwards now.
A tiny smile crossed Jasper’s lips, because didn’t that sound fucking familiar? “That’s exactly how I feel when anybody wants me to talk about my shit too,” Jasper murmured with a humorless little chuckle. He knew that probably didn’t help his case when it came to being able to shoulder Jules’s burden too, but he kind of thought it made him specially qualified to listen, in a way. Unfortunately, Jules was right and it might be too much for him, but he still wanted to listen. “You’re not piling anything on if I ask to hear it,” he pointed out, shifting his position around a bit. “It’s fair to say we’re both dealing with a lot. You keep telling me to talk to people, maybe you should do it too. ... How about this, we can have like, a conversation safeword. If talking about anything gets to be too much for either of us, we can trust each other to speak up and say so, yeah?” Jasper wasn’t sure it would actually work, he got the distinct feeling Jules was handling him with kid gloves, but sharing about their weird bullshit might be the only way to feel close to her right now, and part of him craved that.
Jules really didn't know who else to talk to who would understand what she was dealing with... other than Ethan, and she did talk to him, but her heart and her brain were both still adjusting to not having Jasper around in the capacity she was used to. What would spilling her guts out to him really accomplish? He couldn't fix her anymore than she could fix him. Or maybe she was being too pessimistic, resisting any internal urge to accept that he could either be her friend or nothing at all. The slithering feeling beneath her skin seemed to calm the unpleasant feelings rising inside of her and she felt herself smiling a little. "Yeah, okay. Safeword. Like... cheese, or something? I thought safewords were for people who like BDSM."
“I mean, they are,” Jasper confirmed with a crooked little smile of his own. “But we can use ‘em however we want, right? The pervs don’t own the whole concept.” He liked seeing her smile, and he missed seeing it in person more than he could really say. Even more, he liked being the reason she smiled, but Jasper knew he hadn’t really been that in a long time. It was sad, but he couldn’t dwell there. “So you start talking and if I feel piled on or like it’s too much, I’ll say cheese and we can stop.” It seemed simple enough, though Jasper was already fairly certain that he wouldn’t interrupt her to make her stop. He wanted her to talk to him too much.
Jules laughed softly and rubbed her eyes with her free hand. Where did she even start? She couldn't tell him everything, but he had been in her life when all the bullshit started, so... maybe he would understand. Or at least realize he wasn't alone where it came to feeling so fucked up. It was just... a different kind of fucked up. "I think Neil and Jane might've been who set the fire that killed my dad when I was a baby," she said after a moment, since she hadn't really known what thing to start with first. "Neil wouldn't really tell me anything, but... I get angry when I think about it, like I want to hurt them really bad." Jules paused and licked her lips. "It's kind of scary because I think I could do something horrible and... not even care, that's how mad I get."
Jasper’s brows drew slowly together as Jules spoke. He knew that Jules’s dad had been some kind of scientist and had died in a tragedy, but not much more than that. He felt a familiarity deep in his gut when she described her anger. Jasper had been in that place before, and it was scary and powerful at the same time. “You asked him? Neil?” he asked, his tone quiet and serious. “He just ... wouldn’t say anything about it?” Hell, that made him angry. Couldn’t Jules read his mind or something? Jasper wasn’t sure if that mental connection still existed.
"He said he didn't remember much about it," Jules said, remembering the angry confrontation they'd had. She sort of felt bad about some of the things she said to Neil, but that didn't mean she didn't still blame him on some level for what happened to her dad. "Neil said I was... misguided. That I was just trying to like... twist my guilt about what we did on Witcham Road into... a crusade, or something like that. I don't know." She released a soft huff of amusement, not entirely sure why she found it funny but not really caring. "Dr. Wilkes told me some of the patients they were helping started a fire and killed almost everyone there... including my dad. They were just trying to help, the way Dr. Wilkes is helping me now... and they all died because of it. Because of Neil, and Jane and... whoever else was there." Jules chewed on her lip for a moment. "It doesn't seem fair that they're all walking around like nothing happened after they killed people."
Jasper wasn’t the best at math, but he knew Jules’s dad had died when she was a baby, and from the little he knew about Neil, he didn’t seem super old, which would’ve made him pretty young when all of this went down ... should someone still be held accountable for something awful they did when they were a kid? He felt a flash of stinging guilt at the last part -- he’d killed someone at age eighteen and he was still walking around. Yeah, he hadn’t been himself like people kept saying, but he’d still done it, and it had felt good. He’d harbored intensely personal rage at his grandfather for years and years however, so that was probably different than setting a fire that killed a bunch of people in a building. The technicalities weren’t the most important part at the moment though, it was how Jules felt about it all. “No, it doesn’t seem fair,” he agreed in a murmur, his gaze dropping briefly. “And I’m sorry you like ... found out it was someone you know. That’s shitty as hell. You’re not twisting anything, you’re angry about what happened to your dad, and that makes total sense. Can I do anything to help? I can go kick the shit out of him if you want.” He offered her a faint half-smile.
Jules was aware on some level that she had done the same thing. Her stepdad was dead, wasn't he? Although, her brain liked to remind her that technically Ruby swung the bat. Jules had just helped clean up the mess. It was all convoluted in her mind and there was a very distinctive presence in her head, trying to push all the bad stuff away. Jules shook her head, smiling faintly again. "He's got lightning hands. I'd rather him not fry you. I know it's probably dumb to be upset about it. I was a baby and stuff and I don't even remember him. But I wonder like, if my life would have been different if he hadn't died. Maybe I'm taking it out on the wrong people? I don't know. It's all too much to think about." She huffed a soft laugh. "I just wish I knew him beyond, like, the cemetery."
Jasper made a dismissive ‘pfft’ sort of sound and rolled his eyes like lightning hands weren’t scary at all. “He can catch these hands,” he muttered, still smirking a tiny bit. “I’m a human bloodhound now too, I can find him where he wouldn’t expect it.” But entertaining fantasies about beating up people who mistreated his girl probably wasn’t actually helpful, so he tried to refocus, the smile fading. “I don’t think that’s dumb, Jules. I think it’s totally normal. Me and my dad, you know, we’ve had issues ... but like, I can’t imagine not having him around my whole life. It would suck. My mom’s a piece of shit who pretty much abandoned us, but I don’t wish she was dead. Parents are important, don’t feel dumb about that. I don’t blame you for wanting to know and being pissed about it now. Whatever the circumstances around it, their actions took your dad away from you. I’d be fucking pissed too.”
Having some validation about it all definitely helped and Jules was grateful that Jasper seemed to be on her side. At least about what happened to her dad. "It's like, all I can do is be pissed. I can't really do anything about it though. I've... thought about telling Dr. Wilkes where Neil and the others are, but... I don't know what that would accomplish and it's like... at least with Neil, we kinda went through something together. Even if I don't like him, it feels like I'd be... betraying him or something. I wish I could just forget about it. Maybe someone out there can wipe memories. That would be awesome." She sighed and then smiled again. "Parents are important, yeah. I'm glad you and your dad are doing better now though. I remember you barely spoke to him when we started hooking up. Feels forever ago."
The idea of someone being able to wipe memories away was immediately appealing to Jasper. There was so much in his brain he just wanted to get rid of. Things he couldn’t forget on his own -- or that was at least how it felt at the moment. Maybe all the horror would fade with time, but if he could just snap his fingers and forget the past six months, he would. Hell, the whole past year had been a shitshow, Jasper didn’t want to remember Amelia going missing either. The most unhelpful part of his mind piped up to say that he could forget everything if he just killed himself, then he wouldn’t have to even exist and wouldn’t that be a relief, but Jasper ignored it. “Yeah, me too,” he murmured to Jules with his own tiny smile. “It does feel like forever. Wish we could go back.” He was silent for a beat, then added, “I’m sorry you’re going through all this, Jules. It’s a lot of heavy shit and it sucks. But I’m glad you’ve got like, people in your corner who know what they’re talking about to help.”
"Yeah. I don't know where I'd be right now without them," she murmured in a slightly distracted way. With Jasper not really in her life anymore, most of her friends unaware of what she was going through and then people like Greg being big jerks about it all, it would have been really easy to feel completely alone. But she wasn't going to talk about Ethan because that would spoil the conversation. She could sort of handle hearing about Logan but she knew that was sort of different. Jules inhaled softly through her nose and then breathed out through her lips, wanting to refocus. "I wish we could go back too. But we can't... I'm just trying to forget about everything."
Jasper knew on some level that ‘they’ included Ethan, but he was doing his best to not even think about that guy. Whatever helped Jules through all this bullshit, he could live with. That was what he was telling himself, anyway. He just didn’t want to know yet, if they were becoming a Thing. He got a weird, sad pang in his chest when she said she was trying to forget everything -- did she mean him too? Their history? Maybe it was best if she did, she could stop loving him and go on to live her life, better off without him. “I’m probably not helping then, sorry,” he muttered. He had the urge to just hang up the phone and block her number, just yank the bandaid off himself and let her go for her own good, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it, not when he was looking at her face. Jasper missed her too much.
Jules blinked in confusion and then frowned. "That's not what I meant. I just mean... the bad stuff. I think about everything every day. I'm just tired of being sad or scared or unsure. Sometimes I want to forget it all and just... do something normal. Be normal. Be happy. Have fun. All that stuff. Things are fucking exhausting, aren't they? I mean, you understand that, right?" He had to. He was probably as tired of all the bullshit as she was, even if they were experiencing different things. They were both young. It didn't seem fair that they had to go through what they were going through. Maybe she was dumb for wanting to bury her head in the sand, but it was either try that or go crazy or run away.
He couldn’t help but wonder if he was part of the bad stuff. He’d definitely made her feel sad and unsure lately, hadn’t he? “Of course I do,” Jasper said, his tone soft. “I’m exhausted all the time. I can feel good for a minute and then it’s all dark again, it’s like, whiplash. So yeah, I know exactly what you mean.” Maybe that was part of why he kept drinking and smoking so much. It had certainly played into why he’d ended up trading blowjobs with Sage -- that momentary bliss of not having to think, of feeling normal again. There were precious few sources for it, and he hoped Jules could find some. Even if it did hurt to think about her finding it with someone else. Jasper knew that was hypocritical and maybe didn’t make sense, but his emotions didn’t make sense a lot of the time. “I hope you can get some relief, I honestly do.”
"Yeah." She wanted to ask him why they couldn't get through the darkness together. Hell, she wanted to ask so many things, but Jules already knew the answers and she would probably only push him away if she said the things she really wanted to say. Jules didn't really know what she was waiting for him to say anymore, but she knew the things she wanted to hear wouldn't be coming anytime soon, if ever. Things were different now. Things had changed and Jules was uncomfortably sure now that his feelings for her had too. Whatever was going on inside of her mind right now seemed to accept it, even promising that she would be okay. It was a relief that she didn't feel the urge to burst into tears over it. What good would that do? Jules swallowed hard and then forced a small smile. "I should probably go to bed. But I'm glad you called."
Things had changed. If there was one thing Jasper had learned over the past hellish year was that things were constantly changing. Sometimes for the better, lots of times for the worse. All the time completely out of his control. His feelings for Jules had changed, gotten more layered and complex. He couldn’t completely forget that she was the one who had locked him up in the place where he’d suffered so much. Jasper didn’t know how to even start emotionally dealing with that, even if he could intellectually justify it all day long. But what hadn’t changed was that he loved her. He felt it especially strongly in that moment, able to read the sadness in that little smile of hers. He wished he was there to wrap her up in his arms, but at this point he didn’t know if that would help or hurt. “I am too,” he answered with a small nod. “I miss you. Sleep well and ... be safe and all that. Call me if you ever need me, okay?”
Jules couldn't help but grimace a bit when he said he missed her. They had said it already but now Jules couldn't help but feel the urge to ask him to stop saying it. It hurt too much, especially when it didn't make a difference. Hearing he missed her just confused her, made her want things she couldn't have. But it felt too late to get into all of that and Jules didn't really see the point anymore. "I will," she said after making sure her voice wouldn't waver. "And... you be safe too. G'night, Jasper." Jules wanted to linger for another moment, but she ended the call instead, positive that she couldn't stay on the phone for another second without saying something that would only hurt them both in the end.