byflame (byflame) wrote in shadows_rpg, @ 2021-09-09 01:58:00 |
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Entry tags: | #june 2018, reza, reza x shane, shane |
Who: Reza & Shane
Where: Overlook, Mercy
When: Most of Monday, 6/18
Warning: Drugs and dark things
It was too foggy that morning to go running and Shane ended up just not going. He had the urge to go clubbing, but it was a Monday morning in a small town so that wasn't an option so he was restless and the only way to burn off that excess energy was to exercise which he did with relish, blasting music in the game room and working himself up to a sweat. He didn't really think about whether the music might wake Reza or not, his body needed a release and he needed the heavy beat of some good electronica and his favorite fuck buddy was currently fast asleep in one of their guest rooms.
He felt off today, though he couldn't have really explained it even if he'd cared to, slightly agitated, brimming with need for something. It wasn't an unfamiliar feeling, it had just been a while since he felt it this strongly, the urge to get high, the urge to get fucked up, lose himself in a crowd of half naked, sweaty bodies and end up absolutely wrecked by it all.
Even if Shane had the music at a reasonable volume, Reza probably would’ve heard it anyway. His brain was attuned to picking up on unusual sounds, and that sort of music at this time of morning was definitely unusual. He stirred in the nest of blankets on the guest bed and stretched with a little groan. Shane was generally up before him to work out, Reza supposed he’d opted to do that inside today. He got up and shuffled to the master bedroom to get some clothes and brush his teeth and splash his face and all that. A few minutes later he was poking his head into the game room to check in on his man -- and to ogle him a bit, because he was always sexy when he was sweaty -- giving a little wave when he caught Shane’s eye.
The way Reza looked at him scratched a bit at that itch Shane was feeling, boosting his vanity, but it was more like a tickle than an actual scratch and he felt that irritable surge of need again. If he could, he'd have packed Reza in the car and driven to Portland or Bangor but neither city was exactly a hot spot of hedonistic pleasure and there would be no good clubs open on a Monday night, let alone afternoon. 'Hey' he mouthed with a little grin, not trying to combat the loudness of his music as he kept doing his sit-ups, hoping to tire himself out enough to not feel so antsy. He looked Reza up and down pointedly, taking him in with a renewed hunger in his eyes. There were more ways to kill off some energy, he just felt like doing them all at the same time and the impossibility of it only made him antsier.
Reza didn’t miss that Shane ogled him back, but he didn’t think much about it, unaware of the intense mood he was in. He flashed him a little grin back and raised an eyebrow as he made a drinking motion, intending to ask if Shane needed anything from the kitchen. Reza himself wanted some coffee and something to munch on, but he knew food was probably off the table if Shane was doing a hard workout. He did need to hydrate though. Maybe even more than most people, Reza had no idea how his inner fire affected any of that balance in his body.
Shane nodded with a grateful smile and carried on as Reza left. He had the fleeting thought that they should invite Toby and his cute boyfriend over, it wouldn't be a sex club but an orgy might be fun if they were into that. It was just one of many thoughts racing through his head and he was aware that it was still stupidly early so he could wait. He thought. He was a little lost in imagining it all when Reza returned and snapped him out of it and that hunger inside him felt like it was growing. He got to his feet in one smooth motion and accepted the bottle of water before pressing a kiss on Reza's lips. "Thanks," he said, close enough that he thought he could be heard. Plus, Reza was magic with sound, he could probably filter out the music if he wanted. God he was amazing, Shane wanted to eat him up but for now he opened the bottle and gulped down at least half the contents in one swig.
When Reza returned, it was with coffee in one hand and Shane’s water in the other, and he smiled as he handed it over. “No problem,” he said, easily able to make their voices audible over the music without any strain from them. He sipped on his coffee, letting his eyes roam over his sweaty boyfriend. He stayed fit, so it wasn’t unusual to find him working out, but there was something about the manic energy he was giving off that caught Reza’s attention. He couldn’t seem to keep still. “Feeling okay?” Reza asked as he studied Shane’s face.
"I feel as good as I look," Shane said triumphantly and spread his arms to show off his half-naked, sweaty body. It was a lie, he knew he looked amazing and he didn't feel great but there was no way he was going to whine about feeling weird to Reza. Instead he stepped in closer to him and kissed him again, lips cold from the water. "And you look yummi, I feel selfish not sharing you with people." He thought of the swing at the club they'd gone to and just how fucking hot it would have been to have a crowd taking turns fucking him - or Shane, at the moment he could absolutely imagine doing that again. "I kinda wanna party, why are Mondays so fucking boring?"
That definitely wasn’t the answer Reza expected, and his brows were already high by the time Shane kissed him. He returned it, holding his coffee mug out of the way a bit in case Shane got handsy or something. He sure did have a lot of energy this morning. “Not sharing me with people, like ... at the club?” he asked, attempting to follow Shane’s thought process. He always appreciated the compliment, but he was just in comfortable clothes and holding his morning coffee, he definitely didn’t feel too yummy at the moment. Shane was the shirtless, glistening one with veins popping out on his arms. “And I mean, we’re pretty good at making our own fun,” Reza added with a lopsided smile.
"With just fucking everyone," Shane replied giddily and smacked Reza's butt as he moved past him out of the room. "But yeah, we can make our own fun. You feeling up to a party?" It was a rhetorical question because of course Reza felt up to partying, why wouldn't he? Shane just wanted to have a lot of fun today and the most fun way to clean off the sweat was to let some flames dance over his arms and torso as he headed for the bathroom to find his stash. "I still have party favors from Boston," he hollered over his shoulder. "You should get naked!"
The ass slap gave him a little jump, but it wasn’t too hard so he didn’t mind. He turned to follow Shane out of the room, slightly alarmed to see the fire on him in the hallway. Reza’s brows lifted as he hurried after him. “I just got up, I’m not -- what kind of party favors?” he asked, a bit taken aback by this mood Shane seemed to be in. Reza wasn’t opposed to partying, or taking some drugs recreationally sometimes, but Boston had been kind of an extra-loose trip for him. He’d seen Shane get pretty fucked up while they were there, and he hadn’t been aware of him bringing anything hardcore back to Maine with them.
"The fun kind," Shane said with a snicker. He wanted to snort cocaine off of Reza's ass, have a few cocktails and bask in the sun. In fact he felt kind of personally offended that there was no sun to bask in today. Stupid fog. He rummaged around in the bathroom cabinets until he found the bag of treats, dangling them at Reza with a triumphant grin. "Let's go, sexy boy," he then murmured and pushed past him, grabbing Reza's arm as he passed and tugging him along toward the master bedroom. "You're still not naked!"
There looked to be a jumble of things in that bag, and Reza briefly wondered how he’d managed not to notice that Shane had brought that many drugs back with him. His feet worked to keep up as Shane pulled him toward the bedroom, and he was glad his coffee was half gone so he didn’t spill any of it on the carpet. “Whoa, Shane, hang on -- I dunno if I’m ready for naked party favors just yet,” he said, giving his arm a pull in return. They’d had all kinds of spontaneous sex before, but they were always on the same wavelength when that happened, and Reza didn’t feel like that was the case at the moment. Plus, drugs were a commitment for the day, and Reza wasn’t sure yet if he wanted to commit.
Shane let go of him and turned around, walking the rest of the way into the room backwards. "You wanna shower first?" he asked as he dipped a finger in one of the bags and snorted what he fished out without ceremony. He wanted it now and if Reza changed his mind about naked party favors, he could snort some more off his body later. "I can shower first," he added with a grin and a shrug, licking the rest of the powder off his finger. "Seems kinda pointless though, I wanna build up a lot more sweat."
In spite of the lovely vision that Shane made, half-naked and sweaty, Reza was getting concerned. He seemed almost manic, and was it a good idea for manic people to snort coke? He kept following though, a frown slowly taking over his face. “Are you okay?” he asked. Once they were in the bedroom, he headed for the dresser to set his coffee down. “Did something happen, or are you ... upset or something?” There was something strained to the way he was acting, and strained wasn’t usually Shane’s vibe, even when he was wanting to have a good time.
Was he upset? Shane laughed again and gave Reza a puzzled look before smiling smugly as his thoughts turned from questioning whether he was to reasons he could be. "Well you're very dressed," he said before playfully pouting for a brief moment. "I guess that's a little upsetting. I wanted to snort this off your ass." He wiggled the goodie bag at Reza and at this point he wasn't even sure which substance he wanted to snort. All of them? Probably all of them, that would be wild! He didn't need Reza to play along though, he'd had his own lonely little drug parties in the past and once he was nicely high it didn't really matter, so he went and flopped on the bed, stretching out comfortably before digging through the bag to refresh his memory on what he'd brought back. Not enough, that was for sure, but he knew the ones he'd already tried were high quality.
While that sounded fun under different circumstances -- like not in the late morning when he’d just woken up and hadn’t even finished his coffee -- Reza did not look very tempted. He hadn’t really had any plans for them for the day, but the prospect of Shane being fucked up on god knew what all day long was kind of a downer. For a moment he considered forcing himself to lighten up and joining Shane in bed, but he wasn’t sure he could fake it, or that he ought to. “Maybe later, okay?” he offered instead, eyeing Shane and his drug bag with doubt. “For now, I’m gonna go downstairs to get some breakfast. Don’t overdo it. Are you hungry, do you want anything?” Reza was fairly sure he wouldn’t be, but he wasn’t sure what else to say at the moment.
Don't overdo it. Shane almost rolled his eyes at that but he was trying not to be frustrated with how boring Reza was being so he restrained himself. "I'm good," he drawled and maybe Reza was just hangry and would come around when he'd eaten something. That would be a nice surprise. For now he just sulked at himself for not buying any heroin while they were in Boston. There was probably someone in this hodunk town who had some but without Mal or Toby's gifts he wasn't going to find out who easily. When Reza left, he snorted some more and paired his phone with the bedroom bluetooth speakers to move the party from the game room. He could jerk off, he thought, though the more drugs he took the more he wanted Reza to join him. In fact it started pissing him off that he'd just leave and not come back. Sure, things had changed between them but the whole reason he brought him in the first place was to have fun and Reza was decidedly not being fun right now.
Shane wasn't even trying to keep tabs on what or how much he was taking, he just knew that he wanted more and his nose and tongue felt weirdly numb by now. He was feeling more and more aggressive too, like maybe he should go out for a run or maybe he should show Reza what exactly he was there for. He'd kill for heroin right about now, why had he stopped using that? He took the bag with him as he got up, paused only momentarily to let the current song end because it had such a good rhythm, then snorted a little more coke and headed downstairs to find Reza.
Reza felt weird as he put a bit of breakfast together for himself and started to eat it. He almost felt like he wasn’t welcome, or he was intruding on Shane’s good time if he wouldn’t join in. It made him uncomfortable and it made him worry. Something was up. They’d done plenty of partying in Boston, but none of it had had that kind of vibe to it. He thought Shane must be trying to numb something out really fast, and he wondered if he’d gotten bad news about AIR that morning or overnight or something. When had he gotten out of bed? Reza wasn’t sure.
When Shane came back downstairs, he was still sitting at the kitchen table, mulling it all over while he sipped another cup of coffee. He told himself that once he finished that, he would go check on Shane, and he was trying to figure out how to turn him down for sex again.
It wasn't often that Shane felt overheated, today was no different but he was still sweating even if he wasn't working out and his pupils were completely blown, making his blue eyes nearly black. He was oblivious to how crazy he looked as he entered the kitchen, little flames licking his arms here and there - because why not, it felt good - his body twitching a bit and his jaw working overtime. Seeing Reza kind of pissed him off, he was just sitting there, drinking coffee, being boring. It wasn't really fair and Shane wondered if Toby would be more up for a good time if he wasn't at work. "Reza," he drawled in half a whine, tilting his head as he approached him. "Why are you still down here?"
That feeling of dread in Reza’s stomach grew when Shane walked into the kitchen. He didn’t look good. He wasn’t sure if Shane was doing the fire on his arms on purpose, but it was worrisome to see, like he might be losing control of his power. That could get dangerous really fast. Reza stayed where he was, attempting to keep his expression neutral. The more reactive he got, the worse everything would be. “Because I’m not quite done with breakfast yet,” he said, thinking that sounded reasonable enough. Reza quirked a brow and smiled faintly. “Did you miss me that much?”
"You're just being so fucking boring," Shane said and the grin on his face didn't really ease the sharpness of the words. He'd barely spoken them when he felt his own sense of dread and his smile faded into a little grimace. Maybe Reza was playing him, maybe his trust in him was completely misplaced, maybe all the witches were working for AIR. It was such a rapid onslaught of dark feelings that he felt like he was reeling for a second and he stepped back with a nervous laughter, shaking his head. "Why are you even really here?" That urge to go bend Reza over the table hadn't quite evaporated, even with the paranoia, it just got a little angrier, if Reza was going to betray him he might as well have some fun with him first.
His small smile disappeared immediately and that sense of badness bloomed even bigger. Working in the nightlife industry, Reza had dealt with plenty of drugged up people before, some of them even club owners or artists themselves that he was attempting to work with. Coke was the worst for people’s attitudes, and that was the impression he was currently getting from Shane. He might have mixed a bunch of stuff, but that coke-aggression was clearly part of it. “I’m here because I want to be here with you, remember?” Reza offered, doing his best to keep his own voice calm, even though every part of him felt tense now. “I care about you but I’m not here to strip on demand, you know that.”
"No, that's not what-" Shane said with raw irritation and it was getting hard to articulate what exactly he was trying to say. If Reza was with AIR, it wouldn't do much to talk about it, he'd never admit it. Thoughts rushed through his mind too fast to be grasped and he realized he was not feeling well, not just mentally but physically and that was new. His heart was beating too fast and hard, there was tension in his chest he didn't like and his hand kept twitching. He rubbed his nose and was thinking about getting more drugs from his little goodie bag just to see if that helped. More somehow seemed like a good idea. More of everything and the urge to fuck Reza was fluctuating wildly with the urge to do more drugs. "I don't know why I should fucking trust you," he mumbled, his words slurred and his legs wobbly before he blacked out and crumpled to the floor.
There wasn’t much time for those words to sting before Shane’s eyes rolled back and he collapsed, but Reza felt a bit of it anyway before shock washed it out of his brain. “Fuck!” he exclaimed as he jumped up from the chair and rushed to the Shane pile on the kitchen floor. Hardly aware he was still cursing to himself, Reza dropped to his knees and rolled Shane onto his back, cradling his head in his lap while he smacked at his flushed cheeks. He was burning up and sweaty and Reza couldn’t get a response out of him. “No, no, no, you goddamn idiot, don’t you fucking do this,” Reza muttered, panic starting to flood his system. He found a pulse and Shane seemed to be breathing, but neither of them felt very healthy. Trying desperately to remember any first aid, he rolled Shane back onto his side before he scrambled back to the kitchen table to get his phone and dial 911.
The next couple of hours were a whirlwind of fear to Reza. The medics came and worked on Shane, then loaded him up into the ambulance. They let Reza ride in the back too, and he spent the whole trip holding tight to Shane’s cold hand and gnawing on his bottom lip until he tasted blood. He’d turned over the baggie with all the drugs in it, but he couldn’t tell them exactly what Shane had taken and how much, just that there had definitely been cocaine involved. He couldn’t give a shit if that got them into legal trouble or not, he just desperately didn’t want Shane to die.
They made Reza stay in the waiting room while they whisked his boyfriend off on the stretcher, and that was the worst part of all. There were only a couple of other people in there, at least, so not many witnesses to watch Reza curl in on himself in one of the seats, hugging both legs to his chest with his face buried in his knees while hot tears leaked into his joggers. I should’ve stopped him, kept running through his head like a mantra. He should’ve taken the bag, flushed it all, intervened, done something, and if Shane died it would be on him.
Shane woke up a few times during all of this but was too disoriented to make sense of anything that was going on around him. When he did wake up, he felt like his heart was attempting to leave his body in a way that had him certain he was dying. What a shitty way to go, before the war even started. Ice packs were placed on his chest and needles stuck in him and when he next came to, he felt drowsy even if his heart was still slamming in his chest. This wasn't the first time he woke up in the hospital feeling like shit and just like the last time, the mere fact that he was in a hospital room had him panicking even more. At some point he ripped the IVs out and tried to leave but his legs were like jello and the nurse put a quick stop to that. "Where's Reza?" he asked and if this was really Mercy, wouldn't Toby be there? He was so sure it was AIR again, that they had him and were just fucking with him and so he kept trying to leave until the medication started kicking in and he felt too drowsy to attempt it anymore.
He felt too drowsy to go anywhere after that, people kept coming into the room and poking at him, babbling some medical jargon that made no sense and the only thing he really understood was that his blood pressure was way too high but slowly coming down and that his body was overheated. That second part was kind of funny and he sort of wanted to set the place on fire just to show them how insignificant heat was to him but thankfully he dozed off instead.
Some time later, out in the waiting room, someone touched Reza on the shoulder and he jumped. It was a doctor, who introduced himself as Dr. Ford. He sat down with Reza and talked to him for a little while about what had happened to Shane and what they’d done to help him. Reza struggled to focus enough to listen, all of it sounding like medical gibberish to him. He didn’t know much about that stuff, he was just beyond relieved to hear that Shane was stable now. Then Dr. Ford said those magic words -- you can see him now -- and Reza practically jumped up to go.
Dr. Ford gave him an escort, but let him walk in by himself. Shane’s eyes were still closed, but seeing him pale and sweaty and hooked up to machines was like a punch in the chest. Reza had to stop and cover his face for a moment, holding back a couple of sobs. Sniffling, he went to one of the chairs next to the bed and perched on the edge of it. Reza just stared at Shane for a long moment, then rubbed his palm against his pants before he reached out to take Shane’s hand.
It took a little while before Shane woke up again and it took him a moment to register where he was and that someone was holding his hand. That part felt reassuring and unusual - it was so decidedly nothing like anything that happened at AIR that he dared open his eyes, trying to focus for a few seconds before his gaze settled on Reza. He didn't think Reza worked for them anymore, the thought didn't even occur to him, all he knew was that he was there and he looked like he'd been crying and it was probably because of Shane. What had he done? Fuck. He licked his lips slowly and everything just felt dry and miserable. "I don't wanna be here," he whispered, giving Reza's hand a weak little squeeze. "Can we go home?"
Reza had just been staring at him -- something he wouldn’t have thought he had the attention span to do, it was funny how intense emotion could focus you -- so he was aware when Shane started to wake up. He sat forward when he opened his eyes, trying not to squeeze his hand too tightly. Feeling Shane squeeze back almost made him cry again, but Reza managed to fight it off. “Not yet,” he said, unsteady but a little firm. The hospital probably couldn’t legally keep him there, but Reza wasn’t going to let him just leave. “They have to make sure you’re okay first.” The doctor had said that Shane was stable, but he hadn’t said that Shane was well enough to leave yet. “How uh ... how are you feeling?” Reza asked, his tone softening.
"Uhm," Shane murmured and closed his eyes and all he knew was his head felt like concrete and he was pretty sure there was a visible vein beating at his temple. He knew how he was feeling, he was trying to suss out why he was feeling like it and it all started coming back when he pushed for it, making him feel even more like shit. He couldn't explain why he'd done it, it was like being starved and then handed a plate of food - he had to finish it all, take everything and more. That was just not like him, sure he chased pleasure wherever he could get it but that hadn't been chasing pleasure, that had been a manic need. "I don't know," he finally whispered and when he glanced at Reza again that feeling of awful just doubled. "I'm sorry." Sorry that Reza was crying, that Shane had acted like he had and, oh god, said the things he said. He wished he didn't remember any of it but he did and it just made his head hurt worse.
He didn’t know which part Shane was apologizing for, overdosing or being a giant asshole as he did so, but he wasn’t sure how to feel about either of those so maybe it didn’t matter much. Especially not at the moment. Reza shook his head and waved it off with his free hand. “Don’t, just ... I’m just glad you’re okay. Alive, anyway. Here, uh, are you thirsty?” he asked. He raised his eyebrows as he let go of Shane to reach for the big container of drinking water the nurse had left behind. There was a straw in it and a handle, and the ice swishing around sounded loud in the quiet room to Reza’s ears. He held it out in offering, ready to help Shane take a sip if he wanted it.
Shane took the glass, determined to show he was good enough to go home, even if he wasn't sure his legs would carry him. It felt like his whole body just wanted to go back to sleep - or even like parts of were still asleep - and even if he could walk he wasn't sure he wanted to move much. He managed with the glass and the cold water tasted better than it had any right to while also making his head hurt worse. He just had to take the good with the bad, he supposed as he slurped it down, water dripping down his chin when he finished so that was graceful and not at all embarrassing. "I didn't-" he mumbled, moving to wipe the water away but there was an IV in the way and he'd already clasped Reza's hand again and didn't want to let go. "I didn't mean any of that. You know that, right?"
Reza had to curl his fingers into his palms to resist reaching out to help him while he drank. He was absolutely sure that Shane didn’t want to be babied like some invalid, but the compulsion to do something was so strong. Reza grabbed the tissue box that was also on the bedside table and pulled one out to wipe Shane’s wet chin for him, his brow deeply furrowed. Did he know that Shane hadn’t meant any of that? It was the second time Shane had said some fucked up shit to him, and even though Reza knew he’d been deeply under the influence this time, it still hurt. What if Shane still subconsciously saw him as just a plaything to keep around for comfort while he went through this incredibly difficult time in his life, and it just kept coming out of him when he was under duress? Anger and drugs lowered inhibitions, what if that was the real truth and Shane was just placating him otherwise, so he would stay? “I don’t know, Shane,” he muttered finally. “I don’t know what I know. Just rest, okay?”
The urge to argue his point washed over Shane briefly and only seemed to make his head hurt worse so he was quick to let it go. Did he mean it? It was hard to think straight with that pounding in his brain and the weird part was that he still wanted to do more drugs. It wasn't as intense as it had been before - he was far too tired - but the longing was there, like it hadn't been enough, even if he'd overdosed. It was enough that even in his dumb state, he had a feeling something was deeply wrong. There were too many thoughts in his head for someone so tired, Reza's words made him wonder if he'd even be there the next time he woke up, if he'd come back to an empty house when they finally let him go. He gave Reza's hand a little squeeze, clenched his jaw and let his eyes close. "Don't go yet."
“I’m not going anywhere until they make me,” Reza said, rubbing his thumb gently against Shane’s knuckles. He wasn’t a spouse or blood family, so he didn’t think he could stay past visiting hours, but Reza would stay until then. He didn’t even know yet if they would want to keep Shane overnight, or if they could go home later in the day -- it was hard to believe that all of this shit had happened before lunch. It seemed so wrong somehow, not like Shane at all. Sure he liked to get high sometimes, but having tons of cocaine for brunch just wasn’t his style. It made Reza worry about what was going on with him. But now wasn’t the time to push him to talk about it, he needed rest. They could talk later, and maybe Reza could get to the bottom of what was going on with him.
Shane wasn't sure he believed him but he was too tired to indulge in the paranoid thoughts of waking up alone and finding Reza gone for good. Sleep put a quick stop to whatever he was trying to articulate in his mind and the next time he opened his eyes he wasn't in quite as much pain. It felt like seconds but he knew it had been more considering all the little changes in his surroundings. He was no longer holding a cold glass, Reza was no longer holding his hand and when he opened his eyes the first thing he saw was darkness outside the window. He furrowed his brows, ignored the pain in his bladder and forced himself to look around the room. Reza was still there, much to his amazement, asleep and curled up on a chair in what looked like a very uncomfortable position.
Shane watched him, not wanting to rouse him. He knew damn well that if Reza had been gone, Shane would be signing out against the doctor's recommendation. Having him in the room made it all a little less scary, even the IV in his hand and the little beeping monitor next to his bed. It was all too much like AIR and he remembered the last time he'd ended up in the hospital - awkwardly enough for the same reason - he'd freaked out a lot worse. The only difference now was that he was older and Reza was there so it was easy to guess which of these had him calmer. Much to his chagrin it was like thinking about it jinxed it because a nurse stepped into the room right on cue, her presence enough to wake Reza.
Reza didn’t mean to fall asleep, he meant to stay awake and alert just in case Shane took a turn for the worse. He’d spent a long time at his bedside, just waiting for something awful to happen. The doctor came in a couple of times to check on Shane, and at one point he pulled Reza out into the hallway for a quick chat. Besides that, he only left to get a snack from one of the vending machines. Not that he had much appetite. He debated over calling any of the others, like Jane or Diego or ... well, those were really the only two who came to mind, and Jane was the most obvious. Something held him back, though. Shane was intensely private, what if he didn’t want any of the others to know what he was going through? So Reza put it off until he would be able to ask Shane.
Eventually, he turned the TV on a low volume to try and distract himself with dumb cooking competitions and commercials. The stress and exhaustion of the day caught up to him within an hour or two and he dozed off. He didn’t come awake again until another nurse bustled into the room to check Shane’s vitals, and Reza sat up stiffly. He hurt in multiple places from the weird position he’d been in, and he cleared his throat a little as he straightened himself out. Shane was awake, so that was a good sign, and his color looked better. He stayed quiet, not wanting to interrupt the nurse’s work, but he watched everything.
Shane forced himself to be patient with the nurse and he still felt that weird tickling that he wanted something, drugs, sex, something. It wasn't as overpowering but the fact he still felt it, despite everything, was worrying. He went a little tense and frustrated when the nurse told Reza he could unfortunately not spend the night there and while they weren't kicking him out just yet, it would be soon. He almost said that if Reza was going, he was going to get discharged thank you very much. Maybe he was more mature now, or maybe he was just too damn tired because he kept his mouth shut and only glared a little as the nurse left.
"This is bullshit," he mumbled, pushing himself to sit up a little and there was that sting again in his bladder. Fantastic. He'd felt it before and he knew going to take a piss was going to be hell. Stupid drugs. Why'd he taken so goddamn many? "They should let you stay. They should give us a double bed so you can stay." Did hospitals even have double beds? He'd pay for a damn suite if he had to but a place like Mercy probably didn't have one.
Reza had mixed feelings about being told he would have to leave soon. On one hand he didn’t want to leave Shane. On the other, he felt like he needed some time to himself to process all of this and maybe cry some more, and he wanted some privacy for that. On yet another hand, he really didn’t want to spend the night alone in that big ass house. None of them were very good options. He rubbed at the back of his neck with one hand, trying to ignore the soreness there from falling asleep in a weird position. “I wish I could,” Reza replied softly, and it was at least mostly true. “But I’ll come back as soon as I can in the morning. Maybe you’ll just sleep through me being gone.” He offered a faint smile, sure that wasn’t much comfort to Shane at the moment, but Reza did hope that he could be unconscious for most of it.
Sleep did kind of sound divine but Shane still felt that restless energy coursing through him and he could all too easily imagine being awake all damn night. He had the unnerving thought again that Reza wouldn't return, that this had been the final straw and he'd pack his bags and leave. If he stayed, would it be for Shane or for those hypothetical children suffering at AIR? The words Shane had said to him came back like a punch in the gut and he didn't want to tell Reza again how he hadn't meant them; Reza had no reason to believe him. "Something's not right," he said instead, and maybe it was better that he was stuck in this dumb place, being monitored. "I still want more." Reza couldn't know he wasn't this stupid about drugs, they hadn't known each other that long and it wasn't like Shane hadn't done this before - but he'd been naive, completely clueless about how everything worked. It had taken him years to catch up as much as he had and he could still too often feel the effects of being yanked out of the world for all those years.
He nodded a tiny bit and glanced at the room’s closed door. “Yeah ... the doctor said they’ve been having a lot of weird admissions today,” Reza murmured. “You’re not the first overdose. And someone over ate enough to burst his stomach? Dr. Ford said they’re unusually busy today.” Reza wasn’t sure how to interpret any of that, he just knew that strange things happened in this town sometimes, and maybe there was some big spell at work, fucking up people’s sense of moderation or something. Or maybe his boyfriend just had an indulgence problem sometimes. It was hard to tell which. Just like it was hard to tell if he really gave a shit about Reza or just couldn’t be alone. “But, maybe it’s good you’re here then, y’know,” he added a bit hesitantly. “If you still feel out of control.”
Shane had conflicting feelings about that information, if it was a whole town thing, it was probably AIR's doing and he hated the idea they could still fuck with him after all these years. But it also meant that it hadn't been his fault, or was it? Reza hadn't gone crazy. He also had conflicting feelings about this being a good place for him because yes, he'd had the exact same thought but he still hated hospitals and doctors and the whole package. "Are you okay?" he asked quietly, turning his focus outward because pretty much everything inward sucked right now. Not that the outward was much better, Reza looked tired and miserable too and Shane was still not sure he'd stick around after this.
Reza’s natural instinct was to say he was fine and smile and try to pass it all off as okay. He took a breath to do just that but found he couldn’t force the words out. His jaw clicked shut and he looked away for a beat, then focused on Shane again. “No,” he answered honestly. “You OD’d right in front of me, Shane. I thought you were going to die. Of course I’m not okay. Not to even mention the paranoid shit you said to me first, and yet another indication that I’m just here to entertain you. So yeah, it’s been a pretty shitty day, and I’m feeling it.” There was a fine tremor in his voice that he didn’t like, and Reza tried to swallow it down. He didn’t want to get emotional yet. He wasn’t going anywhere, they could argue about it when Shane was home again. “We can talk about it later though,” he muttered. “Just get better. Stay put and don’t do anything else stupid, okay? Promise me.”
This was the part of closeness Shane had the most problem with. Usually when people got angry with him, he simply left. Tonight he couldn't, not physically because he was in a fucking hospital bed, and not emotionally because it was Reza. He felt like he was squirming out of his skin for a variety of reasons, that longing he still felt, the dark thoughts that followed Reza's words, the need for him to be closer, to just forget everything that had happened, be okay and not upset anymore. "I don't know how to do this," he said in a near whisper as exhaustion washed over him again. He cleared his throat, clenched his jaw and tried to shake off that dumb and overwhelming sense of vulnerability. "I won't do anything stupid."
Reza felt more hurt and scared than angry, but it was hard to convey that when he was worn out himself and Shane asking if he was okay was such a ludicrous question. That sad declaration of cluelessness made Reza immediately feel guilty for being honest, and he reached out to take Shane’s hand. He was so stunted, Reza had to keep remembering that. Stunted and surely emotional after this kind of day. But was he? Or was Shane manipulating Reza to keep him on the hook so he had a loyal boytoy around? Reza hated that those thoughts could even occur to him, but how could they not now? “All you have to do right now is rest until you feel better, and do what the doctors tell you, okay?” he murmured in a softer tone. “We’ll figure the rest out.”
As soon as Reza's hand was in his, Shane squeezed it and wished fervently he could just let his fire travel through Reza's body and cleanse all of this uncertainty and darkness away. But his fire wasn't just light, it was destruction and pain and this wasn't how it worked. So he just clung to him and tried to tell himself that it was probably for the better that Reza wasn't here for the uglier, more human parts of overdosing. He could curse all he wanted and sulk in the bathroom for a bit without being seen. He wasn't sure what figuring the rest out meant, the next hour seemed insignificant compared to tomorrow - or the day after, or the days and days after that if Reza left. "I'll see you tomorrow," he whispered hoarsely and gave Reza a skeptical look as he squeezed his hand again. "Don't leave me here."
“I won’t,” Reza answered without hesitating. He definitely wasn’t planning on packing up and disappearing while Shane was in the hospital. That would be a shitty thing to do. But he did feel like they had some serious stuff to talk about once Shane was in a better state to do so. “I’ll be back in the morning.” Reza stood up and leaned over Shane to give him a soft kiss. He didn’t linger in it, but he didn’t want to leave without one. After giving Shane’s hand another squeeze, he hesitated to let it go, studying Shane’s face. Reza wanted to say he knew him, that all their time together had been honest and he’d come to understand Shane a bit. He didn’t want all of that to be wrong. “ ... goodnight, Shane,” he murmured finally, a dozen other things running through his head to say. None of it seemed right in the moment. Reza needed time to sort his thoughts out.
"Night," Shane mumbled and it was probably stupid how much it hurt that Reza had to leave, like something horrible was going to happen to one of them as soon as he left this room. Maybe he just wouldn't come back and that was the least awful thing that could happen given the anxiety Shane was feeling and he had to remind himself he had a cocktail of drugs still running through his system and that wasn't helping his state of mind. He let go of Reza's hand, not giving into that ridiculous urge to not let go, to physically stop him from leaving. Some part of him wanted to go cold too, just shut him out and sink into a familiar state of mind where he was alone and nobody could get close to him. There was something vibrating inside of him that wouldn't let his feelings hold still enough for that and he hated that feeling because right now he wanted more than anything to just not care.