BE-E AGGRESSIVE! (be_aggressive) wrote in shadows_rpg, @ 2021-08-14 11:04:00 |
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Entry tags: | #june 2018, jasper, jasper x jules, jules |
Who: Jules and Jasper, Part 2
When: Late, late, Friday night, June 15
Where: Jules's house
Status: Complete
If anybody could relate to not feeling like themselves anymore, it was Jasper. Ever since getting injured in the fog, he’d felt Different, and it hadn’t stopped, all these months later. It had changed and evolved over time, but he still didn’t feel like the person he used to be. That was part of what was giving him an identity crisis, and he didn’t know what to do about it. Unfortunately, he was too wrapped up in it all to pick up on the similar way Jules was suffering. She’d been home the entire time, she wasn’t infected by some hell dimension, she knew the most basic stuff about herself, unlike him. At least that’s what Jasper thought, and he had similar fears that Jules wouldn’t end up wanting the person he was becoming. He definitely wasn’t the same guy he’d been when they’d started hooking up last summer, and he didn’t think he would ever be that guy again. Jasper laid there for what felt like a long time, listening to her breaths and heartbeats and trying to soak in the comfort of her soft hand against his head. It felt like there were a million things he should be saying, but he didn’t know how. That was the story of his life lately. “I can do something new,” he murmured eventually. His new talent wasn’t too scary or depressing, despite what he’d used it for so far, so maybe it was safe to talk about, and he thought Jules would want to know. “It’s like ... a power, I guess.”
Jules had started to doze off as they lay there together. Lately, it felt like an emotional landmine when they were together and things felt so much easier when they could just lay there and not let words get in the way. When he spoke again, his voice roused her from the dreamy feeling she had been sinking into and for a moment she thought maybe she was just imagining what he was saying. But no, he was awake too and she drew her brows together curiously. "A power? What kind of power?" It was too difficult not to think about AIR and everything that came with it, though Jasper being able to do something new didn't necessarily have anything to do with the facility. It still got her heart beating a little harder though.
Jasper finally talked himself into not hiding his face like an idiot baby, pulling back enough to tilt his head up and look at Jules. “I’m like a human GPS,” he said, quirking a faint smile. That was how Elodie had phrased it, and he kind of liked that description, so that was what he was going with. “Like ... I know where everything is. Even stuff I didn’t know before. I've tried to get lost, and I can’t, I always know what direction to go. And it works for people too, I know where everybody is, if I think about it hard enough.” Even dead people, apparently, though Jasper hadn’t tried to find any corpses except for Joseph’s. He still felt good about taking a piss on the old man’s final resting place, but he wasn’t sure he wanted to tell Jules that. That had been for him. And his dad. “It’s pretty crazy.”
That was such a strange ability, but probably a really useful one, especially when things or people were missing, or Jasper got lost... if that was possible, since he had just said he'd tried to get lost before and couldn't. Jules couldn't help but smile a little as she settled more comfortably on her pillow beneath their blanket. "Wow. So you'd be, like, the best seeker in every game of hide and seek," she said, already assuming that the fog had done something to him. She was trying not to let that fact dwell inside of her, because he didn't seem upset about it and he hadn't said it was painful. Maybe it would come in handy someday. Silver linings? "Does it hurt at all? Or is it like... just instinctive?"
It was good to see her smile, faint as it was, and Jasper’s own lips curled a bit in return. He knew just as well as she did that this change had been caused by his time Over There, and thinking about it sometimes made Jasper feel like even more of a freakish outsider ... but it was kind of a cool thing to be able to do. And maybe it would save his life or somebody else’s in the future. Jasper kind of hoped for that, even if he didn’t know exactly how to say it. He didn’t feel like he had a lot of potential for good in him, but maybe he could find some in this. “Nah, it doesn’t hurt at all,” he murmured with a tiny shake of his head. “Directions are just like ... there. I just know where to go. Tracking people, so far, takes some concentration, but it’s still pretty easy. I guess ... I been doing it the whole time I’ve been back, and I just now started to realize it. Ran a couple of tests. It’s weird, but kinda cool.”
It was kind of cool. With how many people disappeared in this town, she wondered if they were people Jasper could find. If she was in another "world", would he know it? She figured no one could lie to him about where they were anyway, not that there was any real reason to do so, but still. "What kind of tests?" she asked, because she was genuinely curious. "Like just thinking about people and tracking them down?" It felt like he was doing a lot, figuring out a lot, without her around. Even though it made her feel dumb, she felt a little left out. They had been through a lot together, and now they were going through a lot apart. Jules knew why it had to happen but she still wished she could have been there for him and helped somehow.
If Jules had expressed how she felt, Jasper would have strongly related. It drove him crazy sometimes, knowing that Ethan was out there helping Jules with her portal power. Being the key to her locks or whatever. She was working with people who probably wouldn’t have even let Jasper in the building. She was doing shit that he could barely fathom and had caused him a lot of pain, so it was hard to know how to feel about all of it. It was probably childish of him, but he felt a little more on par with them now that he had a power of his own -- if one could call it that. It didn’t feel very powerful to Jasper yet, but maybe he could get good at it or something. “Like, I had Elodie pick somebody to track, I told her where she was, then Elodie texted her to find out if I was right, and I was,” he explained. Jasper’s voice got quieter. “Then I, uh ... I tracked down where my uncles buried Joseph, in the woods. I didn’t like, confirm that one, but ... I knew.”
She frowned at the mention of Joseph, having almost forgotten that Jasper had killed his grandfather. It tickled the memory of Ruby and Jules's stepfather, whose body had yet to be found. Jules licked her lips and scooted in closer to Jasper. "You actually went to where the body was buried?" she asked, searching his eyes with her own. "Are you okay? That probably hadn't been easy or anything." There was a lot he had to process and deal with and that was probably one of the more difficult things. She suddenly wondered if he could track down Edward. But a very large part of Jules didn't want to know, and she didn't want Jasper to have to find another dead body just because of her.
Her obvious concern made Jasper’s throat feel tight again. How was it that he felt so much nothing about what he’d done to Joseph most of the time, but the second someone was worried about him, he wanted to blubber? Gazing back at her, Jasper nodded a little. “Yeah, m’okay,” he murmured. “I think it actually kinda helped. Closure, I guess.” And he had gotten to take a piss on the old man who’d ruined most of his relatives’ lives, but he was going to keep that to himself. “It was just a dent in the ground. That’s all he is now, and that’s what he deserved. I told my dad, finally. That Joseph’s dead and it was me. Only I said it happened on the other side, right after ... we got there, while we were all still crazy. I promised Caden I would leave him out of it. So if you talk to Dad about it ...” Jasper gave her a meaningful look. Maybe it was weird that his ex-girlfriend had gotten close to his dad, but that weird didn’t come close to the rest of the weird, so whatever.
The laugh that caught in Jules's throat wasn't exactly a humorous one but the idea of talking to Mr. Lucas about his dad was a bit strange and not likely to happen, unless he was worried about its effect on Jasper. But even then she doubted he would actually come to her about it. "Your dad listens more than talks," Jules said, slipping her arm down to his waist. "I mean, he talks, but... not a whole lot, which you already know. But I'll remember if it comes up." She fell silent for only a moment before nuzzling her nose to his. "Closure is good, though. You're going through enough already. I don't think your grandpa deserves whatever you'd put yourself through over it."
Oddly, it was a little comforting to hear that Gavin wasn’t some chatterbox with Jules. Jasper hadn’t thought that was the case, but he wouldn’t have thought they would talk at all in the first place, so what the fuck did he know. It was probably for the best -- he could still hear his dad’s ragged voice saying I should have been the one to kill him. That wasn’t something anybody else needed to hear. He closed his eyes as Jules moved in closer, his chest giving a squeeze at that soft nuzzle. He slipped his arm more solidly around her again, wanting to soak in the feel of her against him while he could. “I’m glad it happened when I couldn’t feel anything,” he murmured. “And I’m glad it was him and not my uncle or my grandma instead. I just wish it really had been Over There so Caden didn’t have to see it. He probably like, hates me now. Even though he hated Joseph too. I dunno.”
"If he hated you, don't you think he would have told your dad what you did?" Jules asked quietly. Out of the two uncles Jasper had, she had only ever talked to Aaron and that was at the family barbeque they had. Caden seemed pretty standoffish and not at all approachable. So no, she didn't know what Caden would have done, but it was hard for her to imagine anyone hating Jasper for something he had no control over. That Jasper had not been Jasper. And it wasn't like Jasper hadn't been dealing with remorse or guilt over what he had done.
It was a reasonable thing to ask, but it made Jasper huff a laugh that didn’t have much humor in it. “Caden’s no snitch,” he muttered. “And that would probably hurt Dad more than me. He’s an asshole, but ... I dunno, they still try to protect each other.” So Jasper was carrying on the family tradition and protecting Caden by lying about the timing of Joseph’s death. No one was going to contradict him, he was pretty certain. Once his Aunt Kat knew that Joseph was dead too, they could all just let the bastard rest and move on with their lives. That was the hope, at least. “I felt better after telling him,” he added. “Even if it was a half-lie. He just seemed more worried about me than anything else.”
"Maybe he's trying to protect you too," Jules murmured, because she didn't like the idea of Jasper thinking anyone in his family hated him. "But I'm glad you felt better after telling your dad. That was the right thing to do. And yeah, I can totally see how he'd be more worried about you, it's not like, something you can just bury, you know? And he missed you a lot when you were gone." She paused for a moment. "I think that was why he kept in contact with me... like he could connect with you through me or something. It was really hard on him."
Maybe Jules was right about Caden, Jasper just had to imagine that his feelings about the whole thing were complicated, and Caden seemed to lean into anger more than anything else he felt. It might be an anger that he would never let loose on his nephew, but maybe it was still there. Jasper was still struggling to accept that he was truly loved and forgiven. Maybe that was why what Jules said about his dad put another painful lump in his throat. If Jules had been able to see that it was hard on Gavin, then it had to have been extra special hard. It made him remember sobbing over Amelia being gone, repeating ‘it should have been me’ to his dad. Had Gavin thought of that night too, after he’d disappeared? Had he said the same words to himself? Jasper licked his lips and gazed at her face. “You were ... pregnant, too,” he murmured a bit thickly. “And he knows how hard that is at our age. Even younger, he was ... fifteen, when I was born. He cares about shit more than he lets on.”
Jules knew that Mr. Lucas cared. Even if he didn't say it, or cry, she knew he did. He had gone out of his way to help her after Jasper was gone. Not just by paying for her abortion, but by going with her so she wouldn't be alone. Checking up on her, even if it was just a text. It was what she would have wanted her own father to do, if he had still been alive. Being reminded of the pregnancy triggered something in Jules's belly to twist uncomfortably but she tried to keep that particular pain out of her expression. "He never pushed, you know?" Her gaze drifted off a bit, even under the blanket. "I mean, about the abortion. He was willing to help me no matter what I decided I wanted. So... I do think he cares. I think it's just hard for some people to show it. Obviously." Jasper knew that better than she did, since he was the one who had grown up around the guy. But Jules also wanted Jasper to understand he had people who loved him, no matter what had happened months ago.
Jasper noticed the way Jules’s eyes went elsewhere, and he felt a deep pang of something he couldn’t name. It was a weird sort of grief, even if he knew Jules had made the right decision, and it was the same one they would’ve made together if he’d been there. But there was still some sort of loss, even if it was just potential or what would’ve been the last piece of him, if he hadn’t come back. Jasper studied Jules’s face, dimly lit by the light filtering through the blanket. “How do you feel about it?” he murmured. He started lightly stroking his fingers against her back. Jasper was sure that was a difficult question to answer, but he still wanted to ask it. “About anything?”
Jules didn't know how to answer him. Probably because she didn't know how she felt about it, or anything really. Anytime she tried to figure it out in her head, everything just got jumbled and confusing. And Jules didn't think how she really felt about it now even mattered. It wouldn't change anything. Licking her lips, Jules finally looked back at Jasper. "I think... I feel confused about it. I didn't tell anyone but your dad... and then you, so I haven't had anyone to talk to about it, so it's kind of like, just swimming around in my head all the time." She managed a faint smile for him. "I don't know how I feel about anything anymore, to be honest. Everything's changing and sometimes it's hard to keep up, you know?"
How she felt mattered to Jasper, even if it didn’t change anything. And even if that was hard for Jules to believe. He still loved her intensely and he cared about her feelings -- they just didn’t change what he needed. It hurt him that she was hurting, just like the other way around. Jasper’s brows flexed a little when she said it was in her head all the time, then he gave his own wan smile. “That part I totally understand,” he murmured, slowly rubbing his thumb against the smooth skin of her back. “And if you wanna ... talk about it, or any of it, I’m here to listen. I know I haven’t like, been here, but ... I love you and I’ll always pick up the phone for you. Shit’s hard right now for both of us, but I care how you are, okay?” He probably should have made that more clear from the beginning, but it wasn’t like Jasper had a roadmap for dealing with all this.
Jules desperately wanted to believe him, mostly because she had gotten so used to being able to turn to Jasper when she was scared, or upset. But it felt like a wall had slid into place now. He already had so many issues he was working out for himself and who was she to add to it? And maybe a tiny voice nagged in the back of her mind that she had been the one to text him tonight, because she hadn't heard from him since they broke up. Jules was just slowly coming to the realization that she needed things he wasn't in the right state of mind to give her. And yes, it sucked, but it was something she was going to have to deal with. "Okay," she said with a small smile. "And you know... if you ever need to talk too, I'm here. That won't change."
In addition to being a hot mess, Jasper hadn’t actually been sure that Jules wanted to hear from him. He’d run to her as fast as he could when she’d asked for him. He resolved to be better at communicating with her, since she seemed to really want him to. And to check on her because he cared and now he knew she wouldn’t cuss him out and hang up. Though if she wanted to do that someday ... Jasper would take it. He probably deserved it, at least sometimes. He wasn’t sure if she would actually take him up on the offer to talk, he couldn’t tell by the tone in her voice, but maybe if he started first ... “Okay. Thank you,” Jasper murmured back. She really didn’t have to be there for him at all, so he wanted to be appreciative. “I love you, Jules. I hope you still believe that.”
There were days that Jules didn't know what she believed anymore. Her emotions seemed to be on a never ending rollercoaster, but it wasn't like she had a proper outlet for any of them. Sometimes she wondered if Jasper realized how many people actually cared about him. He had his dad and probably Ms. Harris. His sister and uncles, even the dickish one. Not that his life was easier than hers, because it wasn't, but he had a support system. A family, even if she was sure it didn't feel that way to him sometimes. Maybe he still felt as alone as she did. "I do," Jules said after a moment, studying him in the dimness. "And I love you too." That was something she hoped he never doubted, no matter what ended up happening between them in the future. "I just want you to be happy."
It took her a while to say she believed it, but Jasper tried not to let it get to him. He might be doubting it too, if the shoe was on the other foot. Words were cheap anyway, the best way he could prove his love was to get his shit straightened out and come back to her. Come back to her sure that she was all he wanted. Some part of him was scared he wouldn’t be able to do that -- what if he just had a constant craving for dick for the rest of his life? -- but he’d done super difficult shit before, right? He could overcome it. He kind of wished he believed in God more so he could pray it away, but ... whatever. Jasper still wanted to end up with Jules again, but he wanted to do it when he could actually be good for her. The last part drew another wan smile out of him. “Right now I would just settle for stable,” he murmured. “For everybody.”
Jules managed a small smile for him. Did she reassure him that he would get there? Would he believe her if she did? Probably not. Jules had always hated people placating her, or just saying shit to make her feel better when they had no idea how she was really feeling. But she did want Jasper to get better and to feel like himself again, even if it's not exactly the way it used to be. Things changed people, especially traumatic things. She just wished she could be there to help him through it. Jules pressed a soft kiss to his lips. "You'll get there," she murmured. "And you have people who love you who'll help you."
He wanted to believe her. Jasper hoped that things would even out eventually, both inside and around him, and he would find a new normal that he could live with. He did know that he had quite a few people who loved him and wanted to help ... he just wasn’t sure that they could. So maybe he needed to start taking everyone’s advice and talk to some of the other survivors. Maybe they could help each other, where no one else could. He already felt weirdly connected to them, like he could feel them out there. Jasper kissed Jules gently back, then let out a soft sigh through his nose. “I don’t wanna leave yet,” he mumbled close to her lips. “Can we sleep some more?”
Sleeping sounded good. Jules just wanted to close her eyes and shut her brain off for a while longer. And she was relieved that Jasper didn't want to leave just yet. She had no idea when she would see him again, so it felt like the right thing to do, to lay there with her arm around him, like she could pretend everything was all right. "I don't want you to leave either, so yeah, we can sleep," Jules said before shifting a bit so she could roll over and scoot back against him, so he was spooning her. "I love you," she murmured, just so he would hear it again and hopefully remember later, if things got harder.
As long as Jules’s mom kept her nose out of their business, Jasper wanted to linger. His mind was tired, everything was a draining rollercoaster of emotions, and he just wanted to stay where he was comfortable and felt good things too. The best things. He smiled faintly as Jules turned around, lifting his arm to let her settle, then slipped it around her. Her body always felt like it fit perfectly against him, and he pressed in closer, a nice almost-aroused warmth in his groin. Jasper was too relaxed for it to really go anywhere, but it was still a nice, familiar feeling. “I love you too,” he responded softly, pressing a kiss to the back of her head. Jasper squeezed her gently, nuzzled in closer, and closed his eyes. Another few hours of Jules, then he would go back to facing his mess of a life.