Gavin Lucas (viciouscircle) wrote in shadows_rpg, @ 2021-07-08 21:13:00 |
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Entry tags: | #june 2018, charlie, charlie x gavin, gavin |
Who: Charlie and Gavin
Where: Home
When: Tuesday 6/12, late evening
Gavin had managed to smother all the grief and confusion over his father's death while he spent the day with Jasper. It was mostly a brave front for his son but a big part of it was the fact he had no idea how he was supposed to be feeling. Working helped. They started setting up a new shower in the basement, Jasper helped with more than just carrying shit and it was pretty nice, all things considered. The brave face lasted through dinner and it wasn't until Gavin was alone momentarily, in the bedroom getting ready to sleep, that it all seemed to come crashing back down on him.
He stopped where he'd been about to pull his shirt off, listened to Charlie puttering around in the bathroom and wondered just how he was going to deal with the avalanche that seemed to be falling on his head right now. Normally, he'd make up an excuse, tell her he needed to head out, go somewhere to be by himself and drink himself into oblivion. Partially because she didn't deserve all this god damn drama that seemed to pop up in his head every other day. Instead he sat down on the bed and tried to breathe, hands clasped in his lap as he gulped in air that felt too thick for his lungs. His dad was definitely dead, completely and utterly dead, his head bashed in and his body left to rot in some hell dimension. Gavin honestly felt like he should be happy but he felt crushed, like his head was about to get bashed in too.
Charlie had spent a lot of the afternoon with her mom and then stopped at the grocery store on the way home. With Gavin working on the bathroom in the basement, Charlie had focused on getting the house cleaned up and going out back with the dogs for a bit so they could run around and get some fresh air. It was around dinner time that Charlie was sensing something off about Gavin. He was quiet, but that wasn't unusual. A chatty Gavin would have been more cause for concern than anything else, but Charlie had been with him long enough now to get a feel for his moods and when something was on his mind.
She let it be for a while, taking her time in the bathroom once they had headed upstairs to go to bed. After finishing up, she flipped off the light and stepped into their bedroom. Gavin sat on the bed, looking pale. "What is it?" she asked, concern etching her face as she walked over to sit beside him and take his hand in hers. "What's wrong?"
Gavin couldn't deny that there was a part of him that regretted not slipping out and getting drunk alone somewhere, especially when the tears started forcing their way out, hot and thick and heavy. He just barely caught them, clasping one hand over his eyes as he tightened his hold on Charlie's with his other, a sob wracking his body. "I should be happy," he blurted out, not really thinking about how Charlie was completely in the dark about what he was talking about. "I should be happy.. Why am I so fucking upset?" With anyone else he would have felt humiliated, crying like this - being seen cry like this, but Charlie was different, she was the home he'd never had before. He could justify it to himself all he wanted, that he was just upset because of Jasper but that wasn't what he was crying about now and he knew it. Joseph was dead, it didn't matter how it had happened, he could have had a coronary at the bar and it still would have hurt like this.
Charlie had never seen Gavin cry before. Not even when Amelia and Jasper had both disappeared although he had clearly been miserable and awash in grief. His tears were jarring and put a deeper worry in her chest, especially when he spoke. She didn’t know what he meant or what he was talking about but the thought that he was talking about them took root and immediately made her feel sick to her stomach. He wanted to leave her. Was that why he was so upset? Charlie did her best to push those thoughts away, focusing instead on the way he held her hand and tried to shield his pain from her. Maybe something happened with Jasper. They had spent part of the day together and as far as Charlie knew, he had seemed fine until then. “Tell me what’s wrong,” Charlie murmured again, bringing her free hand up to smooth it through his hair. “What happened, Gavin?”
Jasper could never know this was how Gavin had reacted when he finally felt safe to do so, the mere thought of him knowing Joseph's death was in any way upsetting to him was more than Gavin could bear but he trusted Charlie never to tell him even if being open with her was something he was still getting used to. "Joseph," he said between shuddered breaths, trying to calm himself. He hadn't cried like this since Amelia went missing, absolutely numb with pain when Jasper did the same and he'd never, ever cried like this in front of anyone. He took another steadying breath. "Joseph's dead. I just... I found out today. He's not coming back." He hesitated for a moment and as he spoke again, his voice broke because even if he believed his own words, they were still horrible. "It's a good thing."
Joseph. Charlie sucked in a soft breath and squeezed his hand tightly. "Your father? Oh, Gavin. I'm so sorry. What... how did you find out? What happened?" She knew Joseph Lucas had disappeared back in January when Jasper did and she was well aware that he hadn't yet reappeared like so many of the others. But it had felt like only a matter of time before he did. Hearing he was dead affected her because it affected Gavin and despite his words - it's a good thing - Charlie could tell it was upsetting him. She didn't know much about Gavin's relationship with his father except that it hadn't been a good one. Joseph Lucas had been known in town for having a severe drinking problem and it was quite clear that his behavior had affected his family.
God he wanted to lie to her, tell her someone had approached him at the store, one of the people who'd gone missing with Jasper. It was a story he was considering for his siblings since he didn't want anyone to know what Jasper had done but this was Charlie and lying to her felt all sorts of wrong if it wasn't to directly protect her. "I don't-" he started and shook his head. "I just found out. I don't wanna talk about how yet. I just know." He scrubbed his hand over his face and let out a heavy sigh, trying to shake off that crying fit and stop those tears from coming. "I hated him so much," he mumbled. "I should be happy he's gone. Or at least not give a shit, you know?" But his heart was breaking and anxiety was crushing his insides whenever he thought of his siblings. "I want to not care."
Charlie brought her hand down to rub his back, not wanting to push if he wasn't ready to talk about the details. "He was your father," she said quietly. "No matter what kind of relationship you two had... I would be more concerned if you didn't care, Gavin. You're allowed to mourn, or... just feel, no matter what the emotions are." Charlie couldn't tell him how to feel. All she could do was be there for him and listen, if he wanted to talk about it. When she had lost her sister, and then her dad, it had felt like her entire world had collapsed. Grief was not always rational and it didn't always behave the way one would want it to. And Gavin had been through so much already.
Gavin leaned in against her when she touched him and her words made so much sense, making what he was feeling a little less jumbled somehow."He was a terrible person," he said with a forced little laugh and now he was relieved he hadn't slinked away to get drunk alone where nobody would have given him permission to grieve, where he'd have beaten himself up about it instead, feeling stupid and pathetic crying over someone like Joseph. "But he wasn't... He wasn't always. I kinda wish he was, but I remember when he wasn't." He swiped at his face again, annoyed by how wet his hand got, how he could feel some of it seep into the sleeve of his shirt. "But all that good, that was a long time ago."
"If you can remember the good times, then grieve for them. Love is a complicated emotion, Gavin. Sometimes it gets mixed up in hate too." She pressed a kiss to his head. "For better or for worse, he was your father. I don't think it's easy to just sever that." And Charlie wanted him to realize that it was okay to cry over Joseph and be conflicted about it. There were healthier ways to deal with pain than to isolate oneself and just drink it all numb. The fact that he had stayed in the house and was letting her comfort him meant a lot and Charlie knew what a big deal that was for him.
"I'm glad he died and not Jasper," Gavin said quietly and he hated how cracked his voice sounded, like he was so far from being done crying, like he might cry for days if he didn't knock himself out first. He wasn't sober, but he was sober enough to remember why he hated crying in the first place, the pressure building in his head, all that wetness and the runny nose. He probably looked like shit too and he could almost hear Joseph laughing at him for crying in front of his woman. Then again, he could almost hear Joseph mock or berate everything in his life all the damn time. That probably wouldn't stop now that he was dead. The only difference now was that he also heard Charlie's voice sometimes, telling him that it was okay. "You don't hate seeing me like this," he said with a watery smile and it wasn't so much a question as it was an acknowledgement. Joseph would have thought that made her fucking weird, no woman should see her man this weak and still want to stay with him.
Charlie could understand why Gavin was relieved that Jasper had survived. There had always been the possibility that no one would be back from wherever they had gone in January, and while Gavin had lost his father, he still had his son. He had Amelia and he had Charlie. It wasn't something that Charlie pointed out to him, but Gavin had a family here and they all loved him. A small smile formed on her lips and her hand slid up his back to gently rub the nape of his neck. "Of course I don't. I only hate seeing you in pain. If I could take it from you, I would." And Charlie meant that. Gavin's life had never been easy and sometimes she just wished the universe would cut him a break. He deserved happiness. "Do you... would you want to have a memorial for him?" she asked quietly, not really sure if he wanted to say goodbye in some formal way, or just let things be.
Gavin closed his eyes when she started rubbing at his neck; it was always amazing to him how soothing that simple touch was and how rarely he'd felt it like this before Charlie. "I don't know," he admitted with a little sigh. "I need to tell mom, Caden, Aaron, Kat... I think I'll do it if mom wants to do it." He had no idea how she would take the news. She should be happy but she had stayed with him all these years, through all the abuse and neglect, what if this broke her? He sighed again, focused on Charlie's fingers and his own breathing, on slowing down and trying to ground himself in the moment. The grief was still there, like jagged glass in his chest, but Charlie's fingers were warm and gentle and he wasn't wracked with sobs anymore. "Maybe we'll just have a little Irish funeral at the bar."
"If you need me there, I'll be there," Charlie said, thinking of his family and how they might take the news. Would there be relief? Or would they all mourn together, despite the hell Joseph had put them through? Charlie realized how lucky she had been to grow up in a stable household, even if they had experienced their own tragedies. "And we can do whatever you want to do to put him to rest. The important thing is to say goodbye, however you need to do that." An Irish funeral at the bar. A headstone in the cemetery, even if there was nothing to bury. Maybe saying goodbye to his father would be cathartic for Gavin and he could start to heal from his own childhood.
Gavin had no idea what it would be like mourning someone with no bad feelings involved. Even losing his own children was steeped in dark feelings like guilt and regret. Then again he wasn't sure he knew how to live without those feelings in general, he'd made so many mistakes, had such complicated feelings for people. Even loving Charlie came at a cost, he still felt like she deserved better but she'd chosen him and he wasn't going to question her decision no matter how insane it was. He also knew that she wasn't a stranger to loss surrounded by horror. Everyone remembered Charlie's sister and even if her murderer had ended up killing himself, Gavin wasn't so sure there had been any closure there for her family. "We'll find a way to say goodbye," he agreed. "Right now I just - I need to process this, I need to tell my brothers and sister." He wasn't so sure he felt up to that yet and he didn't want to tell them all separately and bring up some resentment or another. Leave it to the Lucases to get pissed about arbitrary things. "Can you keep this a secret for now? I need to- I need to find out more before I tell them."
Charlie pressed a kiss to the side of his face. "Of course, I can. Whatever you need." Loss was just a part of life, she supposed. More so here in Point Pleasant than anywhere else. Yet, it wasn't something they would ever get used to. Sometimes she wondered why they stayed here but at the same time, it felt so rooted in her being that Charlie had difficulty imagining herself leaving again. It hadn't worked out for her the first time, after all. "You should get some sleep," she said. "You can deal with this in the morning." Or at least, begin to deal with it. Healing would take a long time but Gavin needed some time alone to process and work through his thoughts. "Can I get you anything?"
Gavin was already wondering when he should talk to his siblings, his brows furrowed and heavy until Charlie kissed him. It seemed to snap him out of it for now, at least a little, and he supposed sleep would help. At least help his face feel less like it was cracking from the pressure. "Nah," he replied then. "I'm gonna go wash up. Can I bring you anything? Glass of water?" He could probably use one of those himself and admittedly he wouldn't have minded some vodka mixed in to help him sleep. He realized he hadn't grown up with much death and it was hard to imagine dealing with the kind of loss Charlie had when she was just a teenager. He'd hated Joseph, how much would this hurt if he'd really loved him?
"No, thank you, I'm fine," she said, hand slipping back down to rub at his back some. Charlie stood and pressed a kiss to the top of his head. "I have some over the counter sleeping pills in the bathroom cabinet if you need them." She would much rather he take a couple pills than go for the liquor to help him sleep. Gavin wasn't drinking as much as he used to but sometimes Charlie still felt what he did drink was too much. "I'm going to go let the dogs out one more time before we go to sleep, okay?"
"They're fine," Gavin muttered. "Stay here." He realized how commanding that sounded as soon as the words were out and added a quiet, "Please." Telling her he'd suddenly felt like he was in free fall when she said that - and why - wasn't the best topic right before bed. He could too easily picture something out there, black-eyed children, a skinny strange humanoid in a bowler hat, something else cynical and terrifying, ready to snatch her away from him too. It was no way to live, terrified all the time that someone he loved was going to be next but it wasn't anxiety based on nothing.
Charlie nearly protested but then decided Amelia could always let the dogs out if they got restless downstairs. "Okay," she murmured, cupping his face and leaning down to press a kiss to his lips. She could taste some of the saltiness on his lips from his tears earlier and Charlie wished she could somehow fix all of his lingering pain. But Gavin was the only one who knew how to heal from this. All Charlie could do was be there for him as much as he needed and wanted her to be. "Go wash up," she said, brushing her thumb over his cheek. "I'll stay right here."
Gavin stayed put for a moment, just letting her touch him and letting himself be soothed by that. Eventually he got up and since she hadn't left his side he pulled her in close and buried his fingers in her hair. "Sorry for this ongoing mess," he muttered and he'd never understand why she hadn't given up by now. A full house of traumatized teenagers, rowdy dogs and now a weepy boyfriend. It had to be trying her patience and yet she always seemed so calm and unaffected by the stress. Gavin didn't think he could have met any woman like her and he was both intensely grateful for her while also fairly certain he did in no way deserve her.
While living with Gavin, his kids and dogs had been a massive change in her life, it wasn't one that she regretted. Charlie knew what she had been getting into when she suggested it in the first place and now she couldn't imagine her house without all of the chaos. A quiet house was nice, but it could also be lonely. "Don't apologize to me," Charlie told him, her hands resting on his waist. "Please don't. I love you, including the mess." She smiled softly. "You can't control everything, Gavin. Life is messy and hard and I know that. All we can do is deal with it together."
Gavin huffed quietly because that was such a Charlie thing to say and he loved her for it. "If your side ever gets this messy, I'll be right here for you," he said with a little smile that spoke volumes about how hard it was to imagine her life ever becoming as messy as his. He meant it though, he had a lifetime of experience dealing with epic messes, he couldn't imagine anything of hers scaring him away. "I love you," he added quietly and pressed a kiss to her cheek, gently rubbing the back of her neck through her thick, dark hair. "I'll be right back now."
Charlie always loved it when Gavin told her that he loved her. She didn't need to hear it because he always showed it in his own way, but... she had to admit it made her feel wanted and warm when he did say it. "I'll be here," she promised, squeezing him gently before pulling away to climb into bed and wait. Hopefully he would be able to sleep tonight. Tomorrow would be a rough one... the next few days, actually. But they would get through it.