Who: Gavin & Jasper Where: Out and about When: Tuesday 6/12, early afternoon Status: complete
Gavin had no delusions on being good at helping people, he knew he was shit at it which was why Jules asking him to help Jasper was so damn hard. He'd promised her he'd try though and just like with Amelia, he had a hard time saying no to that girl. Trying was the least he could do and he and Jasper had been on better terms lately so that helped a little. They'd shared some trauma, been through some shit so maybe he could get through to him. Just thinking about it filled him with self doubt and a bone deep exhaustion. Who was he kidding, he was shit at conversation in the first place. He didn't even know when or if Jasper would come home.
Some of those worries were alleviated when he got back home from the bar that night to find Jasper's car parked outside and he had a feeling that even if he was home late, he'd still be up before his son was so this was a problem he could tackle tomorrow. The problem with tomorrows was that they eventually showed up to become todays and he was jittery on Tuesday morning as he tried to think of what to say to Jasper. He still had no idea come noon shortly after which he went to rouse him, jogging down the basement stairs and letting out a low whistle.
"I know you're sleeping kiddo, but I need your help," he said when he got Jasper's attention, however groggy it was. "Got coffee ready, so come on up."
Jasper had intended to get up early and go talk to Mr. Fox about working at the garage ... but after he’d gotten home he’d stayed up pretty late smoking and watching TV, so he was still snoozing when noon came and went. He’d been sleeping a lot lately -- besides staying up so late with Logan all weekend -- which was a mixed bag, really. Jasper liked being unconscious and he was tired most of the time, but he was still having a lot of nightmares, and now instead of all of them being about Over There, many had Jules in the mix too.
He was in the middle of one of those when the sense of somebody else in the room and the whistle woke him up. Jasper jerked a little and lifted his head, half-expecting to see Jules standing there with her arms crossed, looking disappointed. Instead it was his dad. Jasper frowned, processing the words, then grunted a “‘kay” and let his head fall back onto the pillow.
Gavin half expected Jasper to chew him out for waking him so 'kay' was more than an acceptable answer. He paused and squinted his eyes at Jasper as he wondered if he'd just go back to sleep when he left, but decided to give him the benefit of the doubt for now. He'd come back in fifteen minutes or so if Jasper didn't show, that was only fair.
He was drinking his coffee and browsing the news on his phone when he heard Jasper come up the stairs, obviously slow and sluggish which for a brief moment made Gavin feel just a little guilty about waking him, but fuck that. Getting up and being useful was good for him and he needed something in his life beyond drinking and... apparently fighting. Once Jasper came into the kitchen it was easy to see the shiner that had been hidden out of view down in the dim basement. Gavin furrowed his brows but opted not to ask about it. Instead he got up and grabbed a mug of coffee for him. "Amelia bought some doughnuts for lunch, she's really living up that cop stereotype. You want one?"
It had been very tempting to stay in bed, but Gavin had said he needed Jasper’s help, which somehow inspired him to drag ass out of bed. Plus he needed to piss really bad. So Jasper got up, took care of his business, then put on more solid clothes and trudged upstairs. His face was aching and all he wanted was some of that coffee he could smell and some tylenol. Gavin seemed to be taking care of the first part for him, so Jasper went to the kitchen cabinet that held some medicine bottles to find some painkillers. He glanced blearily over at his dad and answered with a rusty, “Yeah, sure.” Coffee, doughnut, five pills, breakfast of champions. Jasper went to sit down at the table to consume it all, clearing his throat a bit. “What do you need help with?” he asked.
Gavin didn't love asking for help, maybe that was why people tended to be more willing to help him when he did ask but today he might have stubbornly done this all by himself anyway - if he didn't need to talk to Jasper. "Going shopping, gonna need help carrying some stuff. Big stuff." His arm was the usual culprit for most of the times he did need assistance so that went without saying, and it was something he still had a hard time getting used to, even after all this time. "I can make you some toast," he added, looking Jasper over and wondering if that was the extent of his injuries. He didn't seem to be limping or carrying himself like he was hurt, he just looked like he had a nasty hangover and a big shiner.
There were plenty of scrapes and bruises under Jasper’s clothes, and his knuckles were busted and still a little swollen, but nothing had gotten broken, so he wasn’t too bothered by any of it. It kind of felt good to be beat up, in a perverse way. “Nah, m’not that hungry,” he replied about the toast. Jasper washed his pills down with some coffee and tore off a piece of the doughnut to pop into his mouth. The only shopping his dad liked to do was at the hardware store, so that was where Jasper assumed they were going. Gavin had been doing a lot of improvements to Charlie’s house, which was nice, he guessed, but sometimes required carrying heavy shit around. Not stuff Jasper was dying to do, but maybe it was better than just continuing to cave-dwell downstairs all day. “Can we stop by somewhere else too? I wanna go talk to Mr. Fox about a job.”
Gavin tried not to let it show too much how pleasantly surprised he was to hear that but he felt it along with the hope that maybe Jasper's current path wasn't as self destructive as Jules seemed to fear. Applying for a job was a good step in the right direction and Fox was a decent enough guy. "Of course," he said and sat down again, snagging one of the donuts. "Sounds like a better fit for you than that damn restaurant. Better hours too." This was off to a better start than he'd dared to hope for but then again he hadn't exactly raised any sensitive matters yet and had no intention of doing that until they were in the car.
Jasper probably wouldn’t have even thought about the side trip if he hadn’t talked to Ruby the day before. She’d told him to quit fucking around, so he was trying to take that to heart. He was strong, he could make himself okay, right? He just had to carry on and keep moving and maybe that would fix everything. “Yeah,” Jasper agreed with Gavin. He thought he detected some relief in his dad’s tone and that was probably good, right? Jasper didn’t want anybody to worry about him. At least he didn’t think that he did. He ate some more of the pastry and swigged a bit more coffee. “So what’re we picking up?”
"Tiles, panels, wall kits, cement," Gavin muttered and he didn't really want to show his hand since he was worried Jasper would cop out if he thought this was for him. It wasn't just for him that Gavin wanted to install a proper shower in the basement, but it would benefit him until he moved out, maybe make him feel a little more like he had his own space. When he did leave, Amelia would probably love to take it over if it was nice enough and if not, then they'd have a spare space in the basement with a working shower. "I've got a lot of shit to do around the house," he added with a shrug before finishing his coffee and getting to his feet. "Do you wanna stop by Fox's shop first?"
The bathroom in the basement was very rudimentary, but nice to have when Jasper didn’t want to go upstairs to piss. He didn’t immediately know what Gavin wanted those particular supplies for, and he didn’t put much brain power into figuring it out. Gavin seemed to have a lot of projects going these days, and needed his help, so Jasper would give it. When Gavin stood, he drained the last of his own coffee and stuffed the remainder of the donut into his mouth before he got up too. “Yeah,” he answered around the mouthful. “‘Fore I get sweaty.” As he chewed he opened the fridge to grab a Gatorade from the door to take with him, then headed for the door, ready to get all this activity over with.
Gavin didn't think they'd be out for long but it made sense to see Fox first so that was what they'd do. Aaron had worked there for a while so that was at least a foot in the door and Gavin hoped Jasper would get the job. He needed something to do and a good job might be a good anchor. He petted the dogs before they left, ignoring their sullen looks at being left at the house when Gavin was clearly going outside, but this wasn't an errand they'd enjoy and he might need the backseat space as well as the open cargo area. He let the radio fill the silence as they drove out to Point Pleasant Automotive, smoked a cigarette while Jasper headed inside to talk to Daniel Fox and tried to gather his thoughts. He'd never done well at planning what to say when he had to talk to people, the few times he'd tried he usually got derailed anyway so why bother practicing some speech that would go to waste? Still, the words were swirling around in his head along with all the bad ways Jasper might react to them and after a little while of waiting he felt frustrated that Jules actually thought he could do a goddamn thing to help his son.
Jasper had known Daniel Fox for most of his life, being friends with Ruby, but talking to him in a professional type of way was more intimidating than he’d anticipated. It seemed so adult in a way that he didn’t feel like he measured up to, and Jasper ended up stumbling over his words a bit as he talked to the man, trying to describe the things he knew about working on cars. Jasper was fairly sure he’d ended up sounding like a fucking moron, but Mr. Fox was gracious and said he would think about it and call Jasper later. After giving the man his phone number, Jasper thanked him, shook hands, and stalked quickly out of the shop. He emerged with his hands stuffed into his jeans pockets and a sour look on his face, head down as he walked toward the car and his dad.
That look wasn't promising and Gavin watched him with a fretful frown as Jasper joined him in the truck again. "No luck?" he asked, starting the engine and wondering if maybe this chat could wait another day or week. No, it wasn't like he was going to fix everything with one chat, he did however need to let Jasper know he was there for him. Hell, he could fix him up with a job at the bar or pull some strings to get him something else. Maybe he'd have a word with Fox himself, see if he could persuade him even if that all made him feel like he was meddling too much and he should be letting Jasper stand on his own two feet.
“I dunno,” Jasper muttered as he pulled his seatbelt on. “Feel like I fucked it up. But he said he’d call me.” He knew that sounded like good news, but Gavin hadn’t been there listening to him be an idiot in there. Jasper bitterly wondered why he’d thought he could handle a grown up sort of job, he could barely talk to the boss man. He slouched low in the seat and turned a sullen look out the window while Gavin took them out of the parking lot.
"Well it's tough, asking for a job," Gavin muttered. "I'm sure you didn't fuck it up. Plus you got people to vouch for you." He backed up to get them the hell out of there, fumbling with all his words in his mind before deciding not to talk about anything heavy until they were done at the hardware store. Jasper wasn't the only one afraid of fucking up today. "Did he ask about the shiner?" he asked instead, shooting his son a knowing little smile. Daniel Fox knew the Lucas family so he probably didn't think twice about Jasper having been in a fight, it wasn't like he'd hire him to do customer service anyway, it was a rough kind of work environment, one that Gavin thought suited his kid just fine.
Fox hadn’t asked about his black eye and scraped up face, but Jasper knew he’d probably had thoughts about it. It had been hard to tell if he’d been meeting Jasper’s gaze or examining his wounds. It hadn’t even occurred to him to wait until he healed up some before trying to do something ‘professional.’ Ruby had said hurry, so he’d wanted to hurry. “Nah,” he answered Gavin, shaking his head a little. “And if he says no, fuck it, I’ll find something else.” Jasper did really want to do mechanic work, and Fox’s was really the only shop in town, so that would be disappointing. But what was disappointment compared to everything else that was shitty in his life?
"I know you will," Gavin told him with an easy nonchalance and it felt like a good opening into some of the things he did want to talk to him about so not taking the opportunity was hard. "You know, you don't have to rush it. I think it'd do you good to go back to work but if there's something else you need right now, we'll make it happen." He hesitated, just barely resisting the urge to light up another cigarette since he was trying to cut back, damn it, but god the urge was there, that anxious little flutter and fidgety feelings in his fingers. He did resist for now, glancing over at Jasper's slouched form as his words seemed to pile up in his throat and make it hard to breathe. "Is there something you need right now?"
Jasper shot a sideways glance at his dad. Was there something he needed right now? What kind of question was that? A dozen answer options sprung to mind -- he needed everybody to shut the fuck up and leave him alone forever, he needed to go back in time, he needed to run away, he needed a stiff drink or fifteen, he needed Jules back, he needed to know if he was bi or not, he needed to live on his own, he needed roommates, he needed nothing, he needed a handbook on how to deal with all this bullshit. None of those were satisfying, none of them seemed like the right answer, or enough of an answer. Many of them he couldn’t bring himself to say to his father, that was for sure. In true teenager fashion, Jasper settled on a sullen, “I dunno.” He knew that sucked though, so he sighed and went on. “Probably. I feel fucked up. But I dunno what would help it.”
Gavin hummed quietly and nodded because that was something he understood all too well. He couldn't say he'd been through the same horror as Jasper had but he'd been through years of his life where all he could do was put his head down and push through until it was over and sometimes it felt like it would never be over at all. He didn't want to toss some empty platitudes at his son or try to relate to him, growing up in Joseph's house wasn't the same as what Jasper had been through, save for the hiding from monsters part and being scared all the time. It couldn't be compared and even the thought of trying to relate by talking about it made Gavin feel antsy. "You know," he started, hesitating before continuing. "There probably isn't a goddamn thing I can do for you, but I want to. If I could fix all of this, make it all better, I'd do it in a blink of an eye. You don't have to-" Damn, but talking was hard. He looked at Jasper again before frowning at the road ahead. "You're not alone. You don't have to be alone."
Even if he didn’t really have the words for it, Jasper was glad that Gavin didn’t feed him any ‘it’ll all be okay’ type of bullshit. He was so tired of that unnamed pressure to be okay that everyone around him kept giving off, whether they realized it or not. He wasn’t used to so many people worrying about him, Jasper didn’t really know how to handle it except try to pretend to be fine. Though judging by the constant ache in his face and the fact that his dad was trying to have A Talk with him, he wasn’t doing a great job of that either. As he sat in silence for a few moments, he thought of Greer trying to connect to him over their shared trauma, telling him he wasn’t alone. But he couldn’t really be fully honest with anyone, could he? He had to hide something all the time, and didn’t that make him alone no matter what? “I can’t tell you everything,” Jasper said, quiet and low, his gaze fixed on a point outside the windshield. “I’ve gotta be alone with some of it.”
It was kind of remarkable to actually feel like he had the answer to that for a change and Gavin glanced over at Jasper again, this time with some relief instead of that all consuming worry that he was saying all the wrong things. "You don't have to tell me everything," he said with a little shake of his head. "You don't have to tell any one person everything, but if you can tell someone some of it so that all of it gets out, that's a start." He winced, gripping the steering wheel a little more tightly. That had sounded smarter in his head. "Does that make sense? You don't have to tell me any of it if you don't want to, I'm still here for you."
It did make sense, surprising as that was, maybe. Gavin wasn’t known for giving good advice or being a super supportive father of the year or anything, but Jasper could see what he was saying. If he could dole out his burden a piece at a time to those who could handle those pieces, maybe it would get less heavy. Part of Jasper did want to tell him everything, to just start blurting shit out -- I killed your dad and enjoyed it, I wanted to kill Amelia, I ran from monsters every day, I slept in the old house, Jules broke up with me, I sucked Logan’s dick and let him fuck me ... It was probably fucked up that the last one made him want to clam up more than anything else. Was that worse than murder? Maybe to his family, since he hadn’t been himself at the time, and all of them had wanted to bash Joseph Lucas’s brains in at least once. Jasper wasn’t prepared for either conversation with Gavin though, and he’d promised his uncle he would keep his mouth shut. “I’m not ... I can’t handle ... people, now. If there’s too many people ... like, I had a panic attack at Jules’s graduation thing. I couldn’t breathe right or think or anything, I had to fuckin’ lay down outside in the bushes to calm down. All I wanna do is sleep and get stoned and only talk to like, three people for the rest of my life.”
That all sounded like a bar was the last place Jasper should work and that was a pity as it was the only thing Gavin could offer him, if it came to that. "I never liked big crowds," he muttered empathically and that much was true, he liked the Porch on weekdays when it was slower and less noisy and he couldn't imagine enjoying a party with a gaggle of drunken teens. "You're out here today, applying for a job and helping me, that's more than sleeping and getting stoned." He wished he could say things would for sure get better but it would feel like a lie. His life was better now. For now. It hadn't been that long since he lost both his kids for what he thought was for good, it hadn't been that long since he'd gotten all mixed up in a feud with powerful witches and his brother had gotten his fingers ripped off. It hadn't been that long since his son nearly killed his daughter and his father nearly killed his mother - because monsters. He had a feeling it wasn't over either, there was always something lurking around the corner so how could he possibly tell Jasper - with a straight face - that things would get better. But in many ways they had, for Gavin. "You know, when I was fourteen or so, I wanted to die," he mumbled. "I mean, I wouldn't have done anything about it but I kept wishing I'd just get run over or not wake up or something. Funny that, I'm kinda okay today, you know, with Charlie and all, with you and your sister back." With dad gone. "I can't tell you you'll be okay but I wanna help you be, you know?"
Jasper knew he was out and doing things, but that didn’t mean he wanted to be. It had been a struggle to make himself go, and he knew part of his motivation had come from his conversation with Ruby the day before. If Gavin hadn’t recruited him to help, he probably would’ve still been sleeping. Holding down a job was going to be hard, but Jasper didn’t expect anything to be easy anymore, more or less. He looked over at his dad as Gavin spoke, trying to picture him at fourteen. There weren’t many pictures of him from that time, and Jasper hadn’t paid much attention to the ones that did exist. It was hard to imagine Gavin without full-beard stubble and a cigarette hanging from his lips, thick and stocky and shoulder-hunched. “Why’d you wanna die?” he asked in a murmur. “Because mom was pregnant?” It felt like a loaded question, but it was no secret to Jasper that having a kid at such a young age had fucked up his parents’ lives. They might have already been fucked up, but even before he’d been born, his presence made everything worse. Just like always, for everyone.
It was a jarring question but not an unfair one. Ollie's pregnancy had turned Gavin's life upside down, though thinking about it now it was hard to think of his life as ever having been 'right'. "Nah, it started long before your mom got pregnant," he said and that just made him wonder how young he'd really been when everything turned to shit. Had it always been shit? Probably. It wasn't something he talked about so he hadn't exactly analysed it, it was just his past, like a field of landmines he didn't need to go near. Until now, apparently, because it was the only way he knew how to relate to Jasper at the moment. "Home was awful, school was awful, my friend's house wasn't much better. Even sleeping was... Constant nightmares. I didn't feel safe anywhere and if I hid away..." He paused, cleared his throat. "If I stayed out I felt guilty knowing Aaron and Kat might be next in line for a beating. What can I say, your granddad got mellow in his old age." He added wryly, giving into the urge to smoke because this was too heavy to talk about without some self soothing. "For a long time I was like you are now. I just smoked a lot of weed, went through life like a ghost, numb as shit." He held out the pack of cigarettes in invitation once he'd lit up one for himself, his eyes fixed on the road now, his mind racing. "I don't wanna be that asshole who says you're gonna be just fine but there's a chance."
He took the pack of cigarettes to pull one out and tuck it between his lips to light. It was heavy stuff his dad had never told him before, and Jasper felt the pressure in his chest of emotion he wasn’t really used to when it came to his old man -- who wasn’t so old, really, not compared to most fathers of late-teenagers. It was empathy. Their reasons might have been completely different, but it sounded like Gavin felt much like Jasper did now. His heart suddenly started beating hard with the impulse to tell him about Joseph, some part of him wanting to comfort Gavin and let him know that his own personal monster was dead. Decades too late, but Jasper had killed the man who’d hurt him so much, so young. In a brief fantasy, he saw them crying and hugging each other and healing together. God, it was so hard not to give in, but Jasper tried to smoke down the urge. He didn’t know it would turn out that way, not at all. The Lucas temper wasn’t only limited to Joseph. It was better that he just stay ‘missing.’ “That’s how I feel now,” he said finally, his throat feeling thick. “Nightmares ... either nowhere’s safe, or I want to punch everyone I see. The fight, this --” he gestured at his face, “-- felt so fuckin’ good. And it ... everybody wants me to be okay, even if they don’t say it, I can feel it. But I’m just a fucked up mess.”
"Yeah," Gavin said slowly and he understood better than Jasper knew how good fighting could feel. It was a dangerous path to go down because it could be hard to stop. "Sorry, kid. The fucked up mess runs in the family. Both sides." It was saying a lot that the Lucas side of Jasper's family was the less fucked up of the two, at least Joseph had never molested his kids, he just got pissed off about every little thing, especially when he'd been drinking. Hell, the fucked up part probably ran up a whole lot of branches in the family tree, everyone seemed to have unresolved trauma and that didn't stop with the Lucas name. "I don't want that for you," he added and rolled down the window a bit to let the smoke out. "You should feel safe at home, is there anything I can do?" He suspected the answer was no, he doubted even Jasper knew what he needed these days, but it was one way to let him know Gavin was there.
Jasper didn’t have any real contact with his mom’s side of the family -- and now zero contact with her either, something he hadn’t fully processed yet -- so he didn’t know much about them, just that they sucked. Nobody liked to talk about them much, and he couldn’t really blame them, from the little he did know. How had he gotten lucky enough to be born into a double-shitty family? Somebody had to, Jasper supposed. Gavin was right that he had no idea what to ask for, what would help him feel safe. Jasper wasn’t sure that anybody could help him with that. “Unless you can like, erase my memories ... I don’t think so,” he said, letting his head fall back against the seat with a sigh. It was hard not to appreciate the question though, and the way Gavin wasn’t telling him he wasn’t fucked up, he was fine. It felt like being understood in a way that was rare. After gazing through the window for a beat, he looked over at Gavin again. “Do you? Feel safe at home?”
Gavin thought of Caden and how the witches had buried his memories of losing his fingers, though it seemed shallow enough that he could recall when reminded. That wasn't something he'd wish on anyone, even if it was done with good intentions. He didn't think forgetting would erase the depression or the fear, if anything it would make it worse not knowing what was causing it. Jasper's question was loaded, uncomfortable and a little jarring because Gavin tried so hard not to think about it but no, he didn't really feel safe anywhere. It was a different feeling from when he was a kid, not quite as desperate and burdening, but still there, tainting everything with its presence. "Safer now than I used to," he said. "Safer than most places. Glad we have a basement." He smiled wryly, knowing he wasn't about to lie to his kid. "Don't think I've ever felt completely safe though. The dogs and the guns help but these days I'm most afraid of losing you and Amelia again."
It was a bleak idea, thinking that he might never feel safe again. Jasper wondered in a vague way if that was part of why his dad was an asshole sometimes -- the fear. Jasper had probably acted like an asshole too lately. It had definitely been fucking with him, that was undeniable. Jasper just didn’t know what to do about it. “Wish I could say you won’t, but ... who fucking knows, you know?” Jasper muttered. Not comforting at all, but he wasn’t very capable of comforting anybody lately. “I’m kind of ... I dunno, I admire her. Her time in her place made her stronger, you know? Mine just fucked me up.” It would’ve been easy to be bitter about that, threatened because he was supposed to be the Big Brother and he was male, but that seemed stupid to him now. Amelia was a badass, and while she was probably also traumatized to some degree, she wasn’t falling apart like he was.
"You can't compare the two," Gavin said and while he could see where Jasper was coming from, he didn't really agree. "Amelia didn't go to the same place that you did, her experience was different from yours." He couldn't honestly say that he knew his daughter was coping well. She seemed to be, but there were times when she looked haunted and Gavin had no idea how to even begin talking to her about what she'd been through. Which was why she had a shrink. "You know she's got that lady helping her," he muttered. "I don't know if that would work for you but if that's something you wanna try we'll make it happen." The thought of going to therapy of any kind turned his stomach but he often felt like a lost cause. His kids didn't have to be though and he was trying so damn hard not to think of therapists as a solution for girls but it was hard to shake that inner voice that constantly berated him for not being man enough, it was just easier to give leeway to others.
Yeah, Amelia’s experience had been different. She’d spent a decade in her own scary hell, and Jasper had only spent four months in his. He was almost certain he would’ve killed himself if he’d been stuck for even half that time. Sure, maybe Amelia’s spot was a little more livable and comfortable, but not by much, from what she’d told him. It did make him feel weak and not like a man. The thought of sitting on some couch, trying to open up to some stranger about all the bullshit in his life, made him want to run, so that didn’t seem like a viable solution to him. “I dunno,” he said, his gaze turning sullen again as he looked out the front window. “I don’t really wanna talk to anybody.”
Gavin understood that sentiment better than most. Talking to people tended to cause problems, sure sometimes it solved them too but mostly it caused them and he probably hadn't ever gotten over the fact that the first person he opened up to and trusted with his emotions had turned out to be a lunatic who used those things against him. "Yeah, I get that," he sighed and hated how much he didn't know how to tackle any of this. Some people said talking helped them, it had helped him somewhat to find out other people had been through the same things he had so he supposed that was true. It was different with Jasper though, a conversation with him was like a minefield and he kept wondering if bringing Jules up at all was a terrible idea. "Do you want to go to the shooting range?" he asked. "Put some holes in some paper?"
It was weird and sweet and a little annoying all at once how hard Gavin was trying to help. Anyone else might not have seen it the way Jasper did, but he knew his dad and he knew this was what a big effort to connect looked like from him. He’d probably said he was there for Jasper more times in this car ride than he ever had before. It was a strange perspective shift for a moment, seeing his father as a whole person -- a man who’d gotten nothing but abuse from his own father, trying to navigate helping his son with something huge and traumatic and otherworldly. Even a well-adjusted person would struggle, Jasper was pretty sure. He just gazed over at Gavin’s profile for a few heartbeats, then smiled faintly. “Yeah,” he answered. “Could be cool. Think they got targets shaped like monsters?” Jasper huffed a bit. “Like today, though? Still gotta go to the hardware store, right?”
In a place like this they really should have monster targets but alas, the shooting range wasn't in Point Pleasant and even if it was, denial seemed to be a hell of a drug there. "I've got a few hours to kill," he said and honestly, the hardware store could wait another day or two. There really was no rush to get there as it had been an excuse to drag Jasper out of the house for the most part and it was open for a while yet. He didn't go shooting often, just enough to make sure he still had good aim, but it had been a great way to relieve some pent up emotions when he was younger so he wasn't really surprised Jasper agreed. "How about you?"
Going to a range to fire off a few clips sounded pretty damn good to Jasper. He liked to shoot, though he didn’t do it very often. He’d gotten Greg Wheeler hooked up with a pistol, but he rarely took care of the one that was ‘his’ anymore. Hell, Jasper wasn’t even really sure of where it was now. He chuckled faintly at the question. “I got nowhere to be,” he murmured. “If you wanna save the trip and the money though, we could always go out to the Fallows and shoot cans or something. Did you even bring any pistols?” He sat up a bit and looked around the truck, like he might have just not noticed an arsenal sitting on the floorboard around his feet or something.
Gavin quirked a wan smile at the question, slightly amused by it and yet not because the reasons he carried a gun everywhere he went weren't exactly hilarious. "Yeah I got pistols," he replied. "It's a nice day too, more fun not to have those stick-in-the-mud guys hovering over us." Maybe it wasn't a great idea to hand his depressed son a firearm but if Jasper was a suicide risk then there were plenty of guns around for the taking anyway. This was hopefully fun. This was hopefully therapeutic. They were already on route to The Fallows so he didn't need to change course, it would just remain to be seen if they ended up at the hardware store after or not. "Been a while since we've been shooting," he muttered and at least he'd done that for his kid, teach him to shoot a gun when he was a gangly teen who'd just hit puberty. It was easier to talk to him these days, Gavin always felt awkward around kids.
Jasper slouched again, kind of amused but not surprised that his dad rolled around armed. Going shooting out in the sun and in the open where they didn’t have to wear stuff over their ears or whatever sounded better to him than a range, so he was glad Gavin had taken the suggestion. There was always trash out in the Fallows, the leftovers of parties thrown by foolhardy teenagers, so he knew they would have plenty of targets. The two of them always bonded better when they didn’t have to talk, and this was the perfect activity for that. “Yeah it has,” he agreed. Jasper pursed his lips for a second, then glanced over with a quirked brow. “Wanna grab some beers on the way too?”
It was a little late in the game to pretend to be a responsible dad who didn't ply his teenage son with alcohol and Gavin smirked at the question, tempted to tell him no just for the hell of it but having a cold one while shooting at objects sounded too good to pass up. "Yeah we can do that," he murmured. "Stop by the gas station on the way out of town." They probably wouldn't have a big talk out there, neither of them particularly good at the heart to heart thing, but a beer might loosen them up a little and he could at least tell Jasper he'd run into Jules - because that sounded better than telling him she'd sought him out at the bar. And if they did end up stopping by the hardware store on the way back, it wasn't like a couple of beers would put either of them out of commission.
The stop by the gas station didn’t take long, and soon enough they were pulling to the Fallows with beer and snacks. They parked near one of the dilapidated section of fence that were scattered around, and it was easy to find a few dirty cans to line up as targets while they worked on drinking down some fresh ones. Gavin let Jasper go first, and it was unspeakably satisfying to take aim and squeeze and feel that powerful jolt in his arm. He was a little rusty and missed the first couple of shots, but soon enough he was sending the cans flying off of the fence. Jasper grinned as the third one disappeared with a ping! and turned back to walk the few feet back to the truck. He perched on the open back gate and picked up his beer. “Your turn,” he said.
There weren't many things Gavin could confidently say he was good at but hurting people and shooting things were skills where he didn't doubt himself at all. They weren't exactly skills to be proud of but in some twisted way he still was. He wasn't the type to do flashy tricks but he got the job done and hit his marks with ease and efficiency, then set up a few new ones for Jasper to hit. It was almost meditative in a way that made him think he should come out here more often, but he knew he wouldn't want to be here alone. Gun or no gun, there was a fear that gripped him too tightly for him to want to go anywhere this isolated by himself. "You're right," he said as he picked up his beer again, eyes on the cans and bottles he'd just lined up. "This is better than the range."
Jasper had been to the Fallows a hundred times, but never alone either, and he wasn’t eager to start. As shitty as things were and as much as he wished he just wouldn’t wake up sometimes, he didn’t have a death wish. He’d been tortured by monsters enough to last him a lifetime. He knew it probably wouldn’t work that way if he stayed in Point Pleasant, but Jasper still wasn’t going to go around inviting it. He felt safe there with his dad though, especially since they were armed. He grinned a bit as he hopped off the truck to take his spot again. “Told ya.” Jasper lifted the gun and closed one eye to aim, blowing the targets away with quick precision this time. Shooting bottles was the most fun, the way they exploded into glass shards. Tucking the pistol into the back of his jeans, Jasper went to set up the next round for Gavin. This was definitely therapeutic, he was feeling better now -- distracted, at least.
Gavin loaded his pistol while he waited for his turn. He would have been just fine letting Jasper do all the shooting since they were here for him, but he didn't know if that would put some weird pressure on him so he was participating. It wasn't like he hated it so it was all good. When Jasper came strolling back he peered over at the bottles, his expression not really showing how his thoughts were really racing. "I ran into Jules," he said and wished this was like those silly old games he'd played as a teenager - where if he made the wrong decision, said the wrong thing, he could reload and try again. "She misses you, you know." He got ready to shoot as he spoke, only glancing over at Jasper to try to gauge his reaction.
Jasper had leaned against the truck bed again and was slurping on another beer when Gavin spoke up. Hearing Jules’s name unexpectedly sent a wave of weird feelings down his back and his heart picked up speed. Was that shame? Eagerness to know every single detail of the encounter? Jealousy that Gavin had “run into” her and he hadn’t yet? Avoidance? Maybe all of the above. It was so hard to figure out his feelings these days, so many of them felt much more complicated than they ever had before. “Oh yeah?” he asked, eyes down on his sneakers. “She said that?” How had she looked? How had she said ‘I miss him’? Had Ethan been around? Would Gavin even tell him if he was? Did she look happier or more sad? Had she told him about Logan, since they were besties now or whatever? That last question made his stomach twist uncomfortably and Jasper reached for his pack of cigarettes.
Jasper's face didn't exactly show all those emotions running through him but Gavin could still see the change in him. He just couldn't fully read into what it meant. "Yeah, she said that," he replied and down went the four bottles and two cans Jasper had lined up for him, the row of shots echoing across the empty field. "She's good for you, you know. I understand you need some time to figure things out but I don't know if doing it without her is better than with." It was none of his business and he walked over to line up the next round for Jasper, giving him a moment to digest this since he kind of looked like he needed it. When he returned he leaned against the truck next to Jasper and grabbed his second beer. "I'm not gonna ask you to tell me what happened between you, I just know she still loves you so now you know too, if you needed to hear that."
That round of gunshots sounded too loud to Jasper’s ears suddenly, and the first one made him jump a bit. He was glad that his dad wasn’t looking at him to see it. He once again struggled to put a name on what he was feeling while Gavin lined up the next round of targets. If his attraction to Logan hadn’t been a factor, would he agree with his dad about him and Jules healing together? Maybe. Probably. But there was that big elephant in the room he couldn’t talk about with his old man. They were having a good day, what would happen if Jasper confessed that he didn’t think he was straight? That his sexuality was part of what he needed to figure out? He could imagine Gavin going stiff and getting those deep frown lines in his forehead, brow furrowed, radiating awkwardness. He would probably try to be nice about it now, because Jasper had been through so much shit, but would it change the way Gavin saw him? Jasper thought that was unavoidable. He felt like he did need to hear that Jules loved him, even if it made him sad too. At least she was still saying it, still telling people. “I love her too,” he mumbled, not moving from where he was just yet. “I’m just ... no good right now. I don’t want to hurt her even more.”
Gavin fished out a cigarette for himself and lit it, letting the silence stretch out for a bit as he thought about how he could possibly do a damned thing to help. "I get that," he said. "So let's try to get you better. What do you need right now?" It felt like a heavy question so he gave Jasper a crooked little smile and tried to smooth out the awkwardness with some bad attempt at humor. "This is your chance to ask for anything at all, I'm not likely to say no to you. Even if you ask for another dog." He shook his head and huffed because three big dogs were a lot and their household had been kind of crowded and weird lately. Poor Charlie hadn't signed up for this, he couldn't help but think she must have been happier living alone with just one dog and not three dogs, two traumatized teens and a drunken bastard whose only redeeming quality seemed to be the ability to fix up her house. He was being hard on himself and Charlie wouldn't like that he thought with just a touch of guilt but that didn't mean it wasn't true.
There was that well-meaning and impossible question again. Jasper wished he had an answer, he really did. He wished he could ask for something tangible -- a car or a vacation or yes, another dog. He just didn’t think any of those things would help him. He didn’t know what would. It was nice that everybody wanted to try to make him feel better, but even all that love around him felt kind of weird and ill-fitting. Jasper didn’t feel like he deserved it. Maybe unburdening his soul to his dad would help some ... but there were two big things Jasper couldn’t tell him, so that felt impossible too. “Not another dog, we got enough of them,” he answered after another long pause, giving a soft huff. “What I need ... I dunno how to answer that. A time machine, for everybody to just leave me the fuck alone, a bunch of drugs, to stop waking up?” Jasper let out a little laugh that had no humor in it and stood up to get into position again. He lifted the gun and took aim, squeezing the shots off in quick succession.
Gavin could relate to all of that on some level but that last thing made him flinch, staring intently at the back of Jasper's head as the gunshots echoed around him. He wished he'd brought more bullets now so he could just let Jasper keep shooting things and get some of that rage out of his system but the question in his mind burned too much to keep it contained. "You're not gonna hurt yourself, are you?" It came out hesitant and quiet but he knew Jasper could hear him in that deafening silence that followed the shots. It was an awful question to ask and he half expected Jasper to get pissed about it, or sad about it, or embarrassed, or... "I can't take losing you again." Did that make it worse? It certainly felt hard to say and he gulped down some more of his beer, wishing he was better at this talking thing.
For a brief, scary second, Jasper was tempted to put the gun to his head and pull the trigger right then. Just a quick flash and then it would all be over and he could rest. It was like the weird temptation to jump or push someone that sometimes happened at the edge of a cliff. He knew witnessing that would destroy his dad ... but weren’t they all destroyed already, more or less? There was Amelia to think about, however, she couldn’t lose both of them. And there was Jules. Logan. Ruby. The rest of his family who meant well and wanted to care for him, they were all just limping along and trying their best. He made himself take a deep breath and turned his face up to the sun for a moment, eyes closed. The sun on his skin had become one of his favorite sensations, and he let it ground him before he turned back to Gavin. Jasper moved in close again and set the pistol down on the back of the truck, then wrapped his arms around his dad in a tight hug. “No,” he murmured finally. “But I do need to tell you something.”
Gavin set the beer down to hug him properly and he'd been wanting to do that for a while now, just hug Jasper like he had when he was terrified and needed his dad, like it would help any. He rubbed his buzzed head gently and frowned softly at the soft admission before nodding. "Okay." That was all he needed to say, if Jasper had something to tell him, he'd listen, no matter how bad it was. That was the least he could fucking do and he braced himself for whatever it might be. His first thought was that Jasper was in trouble, that the bruises on his face weren't just from a silly bar fight. Gavin could deal with that, he was sure he could fix that, at this point in his life he didn't think there was anything his kids could do that he couldn't handle, as long as they were okay.
Maybe it didn’t fix anything, but the hug did make Jasper feel a tiny bit better. It wasn’t something they did all the time, they didn’t have that kind of affectionate family, but when he really needed it, Gavin’s arms around him felt good. And today Jasper felt like he needed it. He clung for another moment or two, then pulled back to look Gavin in the eyes. It felt important to do, even if it was kind of hard. Jasper left his hands on his dad’s shoulders and tried to gather his words. “Grandpa Joseph’s dead,” he said quietly. “I know for sure, because I’m the one who killed him.” Jasper’s heart had picked up speed, and he had no idea what kind of reaction to expect out of Gavin, but he needed to tell him this, to get it off his chest to the person it would matter to the most. He could fudge the details to protect Caden and Aaron, but Jasper needed to confess the core truth of it.
For a moment, Gavin just stared at him blankly, the words not penetrating his skull at all. He didn't think Jasper was lying, he just didn't grasp the full weight of what he was saying, like the statement had gotten caught in the gears in his brain and stopped them from moving. It didn't last as long as he felt like it did, not endless minutes ticking by while his brain stuttered and tried to reboot, just seconds but oh boy did they stretch out. "What are you talking about?" he finally asked and of course it had occurred to him that Joseph was still not back, that if he'd returned from the hell he'd shared with Jasper he'd made himself scarce because nobody had seen him. Gavin had hoped that maybe he'd died over there, a bitter and dark thought that always left him feeling horribly guilty - and then angry at himself for feeling anything for the old man at all.
Jasper waited patiently, able to read the confusion in Gavin’s face. This news was going to take some digesting, he knew that, and it would probably call up a variety of emotions, but he felt like he owed it to his dad to ride those out with him. “It was right after the portal closed,” he told him, low and even. It was a lie, but it was the only way Jasper could think of to confess but keep Caden out of it all. His uncle had done him an unspeakably huge favor, and Jasper wanted to pay him back a little at least. “Everything was just ... fucking chaos. We were all still crazy, not ourselves. Me and him were fighting and I ... I got a hold of a rock. I killed him, dad.” Jasper had been dispassionate up until those last words, but then he couldn’t help the pain that came into his face and the way his voice wavered. If he thought about it too much, he could still feel the jolts in his arms as he bashed Joseph’s skull in, the savage glee that came from winning that fight. It made him feel queasy, and even though the story wasn’t exactly true, it was close enough to put a painful lump in his throat.
It wasn't so much the words as the way they were delivered that got to Gavin and his brows drew close together as he watched Jasper's face. It was a lot to process but on some level he knew he had to process it later and by himself. Right now Jasper needed him more than he needed time for himself and he reached up to clutch the side of his face, shaking his head no. "You didn't kill him, Jasper. That wasn't you." Joseph was dead. "You just said so yourself, you were still crazy, infected." Joseph was dead. He'd hoped for that, wished for it for so long, so why did it hurt so much to hear it? "That wasn't you," he repeated quietly and pulled Jasper in for a hug again, tight and hard with no room to wiggle out of it. "S'okay." And maybe if he said it out loud it could be true.
Jasper’s first instinct was to reject those words, because it felt like he’d been the one to kill Joseph. He could remember every detail of it, he’d been present and aware of what he was doing. He just hadn’t cared what he was doing. It had felt fucking good, honestly. That memory was so hard to shake, even though he knew logically that he hadn’t been himself. Even if that truth was hard to internalize, hearing it from Gavin in that moment meant more than he could articulate. Jasper didn’t try to get out of the hug, he clung to his dad in return instead, holding his breath to try and keep the tears at bay. Even if Jasper wasn’t giving him all the details, if Gavin could forgive him ... maybe he could forgive himself. “I can’t stop thinking about it,” he whispered hoarsely. “M’sorry.”
He could have killed his sister, Gavin thought. He could have killed him or Charlie. Even killing the dogs would have been worse than killing Joseph in theory but this wasn't a hypothetical, Jasper had killed his grandfather for real and now he had to live with that. "I wish I could take that memory away from you," he mumbled and without wanting to, he thought of how the witches had made Caden forget so he knew it was possible. It just didn't feel right, he was sure the feeling would remain and then Jasper wouldn't be able to work through it. He would just feel insane and slowly self-destruct. "I should've been the one to kill him. You shouldn't have to carry this."
Right then, Jasper wished someone could take the memory too. He didn’t want it anymore, didn’t want to recall that bloodlust and sweet feeling of victory as he won that fight. It made him a little afraid of himself. Sure, he’d been under the influence of something dark and awful, but he felt like that capacity for violence still existed inside of him. Like it was something genetic, just waiting for the right circumstances to roll around again. “Nobody should have to carry it,” he muttered, reaching to wipe at his face over Gavin’s shoulder. Was he actually glad that he’d been the one to do it instead of Gavin? Could his dad have carried that kind of burden? He’d already been through so much shit. Jasper didn’t know, but it didn’t really matter now. It was done. “I know he was a fucking bastard to you, and everybody, so I’m glad he’s gone, but ...” It had been a horrific and brutal way to die. Jasper hoped Gavin understood what he meant without him having to be explicit.
"He should have done us all a favor and croaked years ago," Gavin muttered but would Jasper have killed someone else then? He didn't really know or care about any of the other people who'd been there with him but the burden would still be there if he had, different for sure, maybe worse. He pulled back and grasped Jasper's head with both hands, looking him over. "If he'd gotten the upper hand, he'd have killed you," he told him firmly. He didn't need to know exactly what had happened to know that. Joseph was - had been - a vicious man. Maybe not a murderer but he happily hurt people, even people he was supposed to love. Add that darkness to the mix and Gavin had no doubt he had it in him to kill his own grandson. "Nobody else has to know about this. That place you went to killed him, that's the truth." It broke his damn heart to see Jasper like this but just like before it felt like it brought them closer together; like the only way for them to bond was over something horrible.
In spite of all the guilt he was carrying, Jasper knew that Gavin was right -- Joseph would’ve killed him if he could have. He barely even remembered how the fight had started, just that it had turned vicious very quickly and both of them had murder in their hearts. In a dark way, Jasper supposed it was lucky that it had been Joseph he’d blown up on, and not his uncle or Amelia or anyone else. Forgiveness probably wouldn’t be coming this easy in that case. He would’ve killed Jules too, if it hadn’t been for the werewolf, but Jasper felt like he could only handle one confession at a time. He nodded a bit, between Gavin’s hands, his brow furrowed and his eyes still watery. Jasper would have to get in touch with Caden, tell him what he’d told Gavin and what he’d kept his mouth shut about. “I wanted you to know,” he murmured. “You deserve to know. I just didn’t know how, at first.”
He could have kept it a secret forever and Gavin would never have known. Joseph had gone missing with the others and he wasn't the only one who hadn't returned, it was as clean as it could get, no body, no murder scene. Of course he didn't know Jasper was lying about that part. "You told me," he said quietly. "You didn't have to but you did. I'll have to tell the others that he's dead, they don't need to know how it happened but I think I need to tell them he's not coming back." They deserved closure too, his mother deserved not to be afraid Joseph would return - and hopeful, in her case she could be both, her marriage had never been healthy. They didn't need to know it was Jasper who saw it happen, it could have been anyone, someone who felt the urge to finally come see Gavin about it as the oldest Lucas kid. He would figure out the details later, right now he just cared that Jasper was okay. "You've got that PTSD like a damn soldier," he sighed. "You think you want to get some help?"
Caden knew the truth, Aaron knew the truth ... Jasper just hoped they would continue to keep his secret and just accept what Gavin told them. He was glad that his Aunt Kat wouldn’t know what really happened, at least. She’d always seemed sweeter and more innocent than the rest of them, somehow. Maybe because she was a lady, maybe because she’d gotten away from the Lucas life for years. Jasper didn’t want her to see him as a killer. Or Charlie. He just hoped that his grandmother didn’t spontaneously start remembering things. He just had to get to his uncles first, and he thought he could do that pretty easily. Jasper nodded again to acknowledge what Gavin said, then furrowed his brow in thought at the last question. He hadn’t thought of his damage in mental health terms yet, but maybe what was wrong with him was PTSD. “I dunno,” he answered. “Do you think anybody would believe me in the first place? I don’t wanna get locked up.”
Gavin made a soft, distressed sound in his throat and frowned because of course Jasper couldn't talk to just anyone about what he'd been through. They would lock him away for sure with some inane diagnosis just for mentioning what he'd been through and killing someone? It wasn't worth the risk. "I don't know," he sighed finally, dropping his hands to Jasper's shoulders and giving them a little squeeze. "Your sister seems to be talking to someone about what she went through, but I don't know how much she is telling her." He'd never been to therapy himself, for multiple obvious reasons, and these days he was just trying hard not to let his father's voice drown out his own when it came to his kids needing help. He could hear him loud and clear, reminding him therapy was for pussies, that it was all just money plucking bullshit, a cult mentality, just a fucking kumbaya. "Maybe you could ... talk to a priest," he mumbled and the fact he didn't have solutions for his son was weighing him down.
It was another probably-correct suggestion to talk to Amelia about all of this. Even if their experiences weren’t exactly the same, maybe she would have some good advice for him about getting used to being back. Or maybe she could recommend the therapist she was seeing or ... something. Jasper didn’t know why he was so reluctant to confide in his sister. He loved her and he knew she would probably be happy to help him, everything was just weird and heavy and he didn’t know what he was doing half the time. The mention of a priest made Jasper want to roll his eyes, but he resisted the urge. He knew religion helped his dad cope with things, but it had never offered much solace to Jasper, and the idea of telling a priest anything about what he was going through was unappealing. “I’ll talk to Amelia, see if her therapist is cool,” he murmured. Gavin was obviously trying to fix it, and he appreciated that, he just didn’t think anybody had any easy solutions. Jasper took advantage of the moment and hugged him again. “Thanks, dad,” he added quietly.
"Just don't carry this alone," Gavin mumbled as he hugged him back. He couldn't really think of a priest who would be helpful in this situation, but confession was confidential and sometimes it just helped to ramble on about shit to a stranger. Gavin hadn't gone often, so maybe he was a hypocrite for suggesting it, but when things really weighed him down or he feared he was going to hell, he'd spilled his guts at St. Dismas. That place was gone, as was his old priest and the one who came after him. The church had turned out to be just as cursed as the whole town was but it had offered comfort in the past when Gavin had most needed it. Now the closest thing he had was Charlie and he was still reluctant to tell her about most of his shit. Her presence was healing enough on its own though and she knew more than he'd ever wanted her to already. "You wanna go get some tiles?" he asked, not wanting to force Jasper to stay in an uncomfortable conversation for longer than they both could handle. "We can grab something to eat on the way home."
Jasper wasn’t carrying it alone, unfortunately. Caden was carrying it too. Aaron. Jules and Logan, since he’d confessed to both of them. Gavin was one of the last to know, but somehow he seemed the most important, to Jasper. Everyone had had a strained relationship with Joseph Lucas, but something about Gavin’s had always seemed different, more vulnerable. Like deep down somewhere under layers of hatred, part of Gavin had still held out hope that one day Joseph would love him. Jasper could relate. Or maybe he was projecting, he didn’t even know. It wasn’t like they could talk about things at that depth, it was a lot to even be talking like they were. Jasper just squeezed him a bit harder before he let go. “Yeah, that sounds good,” he answered, then chuckled faintly. “It’s tiles we’re after, huh?”
"Among other things," Gavin replied with a little smile and he didn't know why it was funny but suddenly it was, maybe because Jasper seemed amused, maybe because he needed the atmosphere to be a little lighter. "Rigging up a decent shower down there and fixing a few things." Fixing things had been his love language with Charlie so far, the one he was most comfortable with on a daily basis, it made sense to extend it to his kids. Jasper might end up moving out sooner than later but until he did, he'd have a working shower and a nicer bathroom and Gavin wanted to make sure to give that to him even if he wasn't telling him outright that it was for him. "The window latch is a pain in the ass and the door needs a new lock," he said. "Got some heavy things to carry too, I didn't just drag you out here to chat."
Gavin didn’t need to say out loud that it was for him, Jasper understood that the improved shower was for his benefit. Even if Amelia ended up moving down into the basement after he left, if Gavin wanted to do the plumbing now, he wanted to do it for Jasper. And he still wanted to do it, even after this conversation. That made him feel warm in the pit of his stomach, better than he had felt in a while. “The window latch is a total bitch,” he agreed with a little half-smile. Jasper stepped back and reached to pick up the stuff he’d left on the tailgate of the truck. “Let’s go then, before I get lazy again.” Jasper knew that nothing would make this a normal day again, but maybe they could somewhat enjoy the rest of it.
Gavin reached over to rub at the back of Jasper's head before he grabbed his things. He liked it better than his long hair and he hated that he could hear Joseph's voice in his head approving of it as well. All those things that shouldn't matter, it being more manly, that he didn't look like a damn hippie or a girl anymore. Those weren't Gavin's thoughts, but they echoed and probably would forever. In that sense, his father would never die and the thing left for him to grieve was the father he never had, those fleeting moments where Joseph had been fun. Gavin didn't know how many times that had happened, not enough times, but he remembered moments here and there where he had his father's approval and maybe even his love. Moments like these, out somewhere with a gun and a beer, long before Gavin was old enough to have one. Hadn't he already mourned the loss of that father? Then why did it hurt so damn much now? He didn't want to miss him, Joseph didn't deserve to be missed, but this was going to be a process and he didn't want to do his grieving anywhere near Jasper. It was better if Jasper didn't know about that small part inside him that was aching now. Thankfully, Gavin was good at smothering his emotions and he put in an effort now so he didn't think anyone could tell something was wrong - or more wrong than normal. "Should have fixed that damn window ages ago," he said as he strolled to the driver's side of the car, patting the car roof. "There are so many things that need fixing in that house, I don't think I'll ever be bored living there."
Jasper knew there would probably be grief to get through, no matter how shitty Joseph had been, but he hoped that it wouldn’t be too hard on his dad. Gavin didn’t deserve to feel bad because of that asshole. Even with that in mind, Jasper was kind of relieved that his dad didn’t seem super upset or anything yet. He would probably keep it private if he did, and that was better, because Jasper had no idea how to comfort people, especially his own father. So burying it for now and just moving on with life felt the best to him, now that he’d unburdened himself from one of the heavier loads he was carrying. He chuckled faintly as he climbed back into the truck. “Bet Charlie loves that,” he said. “Most boyfriends complain about the Honey Do List, or whatever it’s called.”
Gavin tittered at that. There was no list, he just did things that needed to be done and in some way it helped him feel like this house was also his home and not just Charlie's. Every little thing he did to fix the place put his mark on it, made him feel more settled and he really needed that. On the rare occasion Charlie actually asked him to do something he did so happily and he didn't know if it was just that their love was still so fresh or because it was true or something else, he never felt reluctant to get up and go if she needed him to. "I guess some of those lists are unfair," he reasoned. "Or those boyfriends just don't give a shit." He glanced back in the rearview mirror as he started the car, momentarily creeped out by the tall grass swaying behind them. Was there any place in Point Pleasant that just felt pleasant? "You know," he muttered, since they were on the topic of boyfriends so it wasn't a big leap. "I really like Jules. I hope you kids can work it out. Or at least be friends."