Ruby Fox (love_ruby) wrote in shadows_rpg, @ 2021-06-02 12:47:00 |
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Entry tags: | #june 2018, jasper, jasper x ruby, ruby |
Who: Ruby and Jasper
When: Late afternoon, Monday, June 11th
Where: phone to start, then the car
Status: Complete
Getting away from Point Pleasant for the weekend had been something that Jasper had felt like he desperately needed ... but he still wasn’t sure that he felt better when he came home. But it was likely that nothing was going to make him feel better about anything at all, so he didn’t regret the time away. He did regret the bar fight though, at least marginally, because his face and body ached like a bitch. Jasper’s eye was still swollen nearly shut, there were bright purple bruises on his body, and his busted knuckles made every movement with his hands hurt. Some of it was good hurt, some bad, and he knew he looked like a mess.
Logan had dropped him off in the early hours of Monday morning after they’d taken their time driving back from Portland. Not wanting to see or talk to anyone, Jasper had ducked into the basement and gone straight to bed. It felt like there was so much to process -- he’d been through a hurricane of emotions all weekend -- but his body needed the rest. And when he woke up around three in the afternoon, he immediately craved a distraction. Jasper unplugged his phone, still lounging in bed, and started to scroll through all of the messages he’d been ignoring for days on end. There were a few from Ruby, and she was one of the people that Jasper had the least complicated feelings for, so he texted her back first.
hey sorry was out of town. back now. u busy?
Ruby knew she wasn’t always the greatest friend when she was dating a guy, since they tended to monopolize both her time and attention better than anyone else, but she’d been making an effort since Jasper’s return. She’d missed him horribly when he was gone, realized there was a hole in her life where actual, true friends should be, and she didn’t want to lose him again, especially to her own neglect. They’d talked briefly at the graduation party, before things got wild, and she remembered being a bit worried about him… but then later recalled seeing him jumping from the roof with Greg Wheeler, so she thought things were good. Except then he stopped answering her texts. At first she didn’t worry about it. It wasn’t like she was sending anything of real value. But after a few days the worry returned. And when she still didn’t hear from him, she texted Amelia instead.
At least he’s alive, she told herself. No matter how bad things might be, they could be worse. Amelia didn’t have a lot of information to share with her, except that Jasper and Jules had broken up and that Jasper had left town with Logan for the weekend. Logan wasn’t exactly Ruby’s favorite when it came to Jasper’s friends—he seemed aimless and far too selfish most of the time—but she knew he and Jasper had been friends a good long time and that Logan would take care of him. Bring him back in one piece, at least, but not keep him out of trouble. She doubted the two of them could manage that, even if they tried. So it was a relief to hear from Jasper and it not be a call from jail or something absurd. She drummed her fingers on the counter and thought for a moment before texting back. No, just got off work. Morning shift sucks, but it pays well and now my nights are free. Want to hang out?
Jasper’s thumb had taken him to Facebook after he’d hit send on the text, his restless brain not wanting to linger with itself too long. Luckily, Ruby texted him back pretty quickly, and Jasper felt more relief than he’d expected at reading that she was off and willing to hang out. It was such a shitty place to be, caught between not wanting to see or talk to anyone, but not wanting to be alone, either. He sat up and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes before he answered. yeah. pick u up at ur place? Once that was done, Jasper got up to start finding clothes to put on. He caught a whiff of his armpit as he moved around and winced. Ugh, he was gross. He picked his phone back up and sent an addendum -- be a few, gotta shower.
Ruby smiled a little at his response, not at all surprised that he needed a shower and also appreciating the fact that he’d take one before meeting up. It would make hanging out much more pleasant. No problem. See you soon, she shot back, then went upstairs to change out of her uniform. She probably smelled like greasy burgers and fries herself, but there was no way she could wash that smell away as quickly as he could, so he’d just have to deal with her smelling like a diner. Once she was ready, she settled onto the downstairs couch to wait for Jasper, trying not to worry too much. She needed to see him first—then she could assess how bad things really were.
Showers had become even shorter affairs since Jasper shaved his head, so it didn’t take him long to un-stink himself and get decent again. As decent as he could be, anyway. His face looked awful, swollen and bruised and scraped, though he could at least see out of his left eye again. Ruby was probably going to fuss at him for fighting, he already knew. Oh well, he probably deserved it. After examining where all of the bruises were on his torso in the bathroom mirror, Jasper slapped on some deodorant, brushed his teeth, and pulled on clothes. It wasn’t cold outside anymore, but he still put on a long-sleeved hoodie so he could pull the hood up if he wanted to. Before too long he was in his car and on the way to Ruby’s house. He wasn’t sure where they would end up hanging out, but he didn’t want to linger where any parents might be, so once he’d pulled into her driveway, he sent her a i’m here text.
Ruby hopped up once she got Jasper’s text, happy to get in the car and be on their way. Her dad was still at work, but her brother was around, and he could be annoyingly intrusive when she had friends over. She could tell something was up before she even got in the car, but she still had to take a second to take Jasper in once she was seated. “What the fuck happened?” she asked, trying to keep her anger at bay. He looked like shit, even after a shower. Water couldn’t wash away scrapes and bruises. It was clear he’d been in a fight, which was the exact opposite of what she thought he needed at the moment, or maybe she was wrong. Maybe he’d gone out of his way to look for someone or something to hit. She’d felt that way after a bad breakup too, but never ended up getting beat up in the process.
He’d braced for Ruby’s reaction, aware that he looked like a mess at the moment. It was kind of amazing he’d been skirting around his family well enough that none of them had seen him yet. Still, it felt weird and uncomfortable to have someone who wasn’t Logan looking at him in this state. Jasper sighed and gave her a wan half-smile. “Yeah I know,” he said, trying to sound light about it. “Me and Logan went to Portland for the weekend, things got a little wild at one of the clubs. It’s no big deal, just a shiner.” And several other bruises, but nothing had been broken, so Jasper counted it as a win. He’d certainly burned off some aggression at that club. Maybe it had been part of what he’d needed, he didn’t know, but it had definitely felt good at the time.
“A little wild?” Ruby asked with a raised brow. “Tell me the other guy looks worse. And that Logan has a matching shiner.” It could be worse, she reminded herself. He could have been arrested. Or killed. Or lost a few teeth. Bones would at least heal, but teeth didn’t exactly grow back. Ruby sighed and gave him a little smile. “Did it make you feel better?” She doubted he’d gotten into a fight on purpose, but maybe that was what he needed. If not, she might need to talk to Logan about good ways to blow off steam that didn’t include a physical beating. Not that she expected him to listen. Boys never did.
Jasper honestly didn’t even know what the other guy looked like, it had been hard to see anything, especially as he was being dragged out of the club by the bouncer. But he remembered hitting a few people very hard, and that was satisfying. Jasper lifted his hand to show Ruby his busted knuckles and chuckled faintly. “I got a few good licks in,” he said. “Logan didn’t get a black eye, but he jumped in and caught some bruises himself.” His best friend wouldn’t see him in a fight and not help, that was a given. As for Ruby’s other question ... did he feel better? Jasper shrugged. “It helped for a little while, I guess.” It had been a physical distraction, a way to manifest the pain inside of him and purge a bit of it, but that was harder to explain. Jasper started up the car to back out of Ruby’s driveway.
Ruby took a look at his knuckles, then sighed and shook her head. “I’m glad you’re okay, you idiot,” she said with a hint of a smile. She didn’t like him getting into fights—it was stupid and reckless and probably pointless—but she wasn’t going to harp on him when she knew things were sucky. She just hoped he’d gotten it out of his system. It really wasn’t a healthy way of handling things. “So… Amelia told me about you and Jules,” she said, watching him with concern. “Wanna talk about it? Totally cool if you say no. But then you’re gonna have to tell me what else you and Logan got up to. It was probably good to get out of town for a few days.” It would be good for all of them to get out of town for a lot longer than that, but Ruby knew that was easier said than done.
Jasper’s brows lifted and then furrowed at that news. His instinct was to dislike anybody talking about his business at all, but he knew that was dumb. He hadn’t been texting Ruby back, and considering his whole situation, it made sense that she’d been concerned and reached out to his sister. Jasper didn’t even have to ask if that was what happened, he knew Amelia wasn’t some gossip who was spreading the info around. Ruby’s choice of words -- what else you and Logan got up to -- put a flutter in his stomach that was part arousal and part shame and part fear, so he wanted to avoid that. It was much easier to be honest-ish about Jules ... and maybe part of him did want to talk about it. Need to, maybe. Jasper swallowed. “I dunno that there’s much to say,” he murmured after a pause. “I’m a fucked up mess and it’s better if we’re just ... not together right now.”
Completely unaware of how her choice of words affected Jasper, Ruby focused on what he said, rather than what he avoided. “You’ve always been a fucked up mess,” Ruby said, as if it was an endearing quality. “You’re a little more right now, but that’s understandable. I’m certainly not holding it against you.” But Ruby knew there were a lot of people that would probably prefer to wash their hands of him, rather than put the work in to maintaining the relationship. Even though she’d doubted her in the beginning, Ruby had come to think of Jules as better than that, as someone who wouldn’t abandon Jasper the moment things got too difficult. But the last few months had been rough on them both—she was aware of that much, even without knowing all the details—and maybe Jules had reached her breaking point. “Was this a mutual thing, or…?”
He huffed a bit of air out through his nose at the first part. She had a point. Jasper had always been hot-headed, reckless, maladjusted -- a Lucas, basically. He’d been flunking for most of his senior year, he smoked too much weed, he had no future prospects, every edge he possessed was rough. None of that had been a dealbreaker for Jules. Then he’d been dropped into an ocean of trauma and felt like his head hadn’t even broken the surface yet, even though he was home. It was too much for anyone. Jules didn’t deserve him, in the sense that he was a punishment, too much of a nightmare person to make her dreams come true. “You could say that, yeah,” he answered, his voice still quiet. “We both kinda need more than the other one can give right now. Or need different, I dunno. But like, rushing back into bein’ in a relationship, and planning to move in together and our future and shit ... it was too much. Look at me, Rubes, you think I can be some responsible adult right now?” Jasper glanced over at her with his jacked up face and shook his head a bit. “She can’t fix me and it was hurtin’ her, so this is ... best.”
Ruby worried her lip as she listened, trying to gauge the situation. Jules shouldn’t have to fix Jasper. That wasn’t anyone’s responsibility. And she wouldn’t have necessarily said that Jasper needed “fixing”, except she understood he was dealing with actual trauma and that he probably did need help. Maybe even professional help, the kind of help that Jules wasn’t equipped for. Or anyone, really. How did you treat someone who’d been locked in a horror portal? Most professionals would think he was crazy, so talking to someone would likely make matters worse. The best he had were his friends. “Well… those are big relationship steps even for people that aren’t dealing with the kind of shit you’ve got on your plate,” she said. “There are lots of guys that would freak out about it. Clint probably would. Fuck, I probably would. I don’t know that anyone’s expecting you to just bounce right back, so… if you really think this is best…” she sighed. “It’d be a lot easier if you had some horrible fight and I could just call her a bitch and say I was right.”
People kept saying that, that nobody expected him to be fine, but there was some unspoken, persistent pressure that always seemed to be weighing down on Jasper. Whether it was external or internal, he didn’t know, but it was suffocating all the same, and he didn’t know how to stop it in either case. It helped a tiny bit to hear Ruby say that the whole moving in together thing would have freaked her out too. She’d always had a good head on her shoulders, and Jasper trusted her judgement. The last part made him huff a laugh, but there wasn’t much humor in it. “I know, right? Fuck,” he muttered. “Wish I could too. It’s not that simple though. Nothing seems simple anymore.” He drummed his thumb against the steering wheel a bit as he slowed for a stop sign, and tossed a glance over at Ruby. “Have you like ... talked to her at all lately? Seen her around or anything?”
Nothing had seemed simple for a good, long while. There were times when it got easy, sometimes weeks, sometimes months, but Ruby had noticed that something bad always happened after a dry spell. It worried her how carefree the last few months had been. There were a lot of reasons she wasn’t quite ready to leave Point Pleasant, but she kept feeling like the longer she stayed, the more she was tempting fate. “Not really,” she answered. “We kinda lost touch when you disappeared. I was wrapped up in me and she kind of withdrew and I… I probably didn’t put the effort in that I should have. Not that we’ve ever been close, but…” Ruby shrugged, feeling bad about it in retrospect. She’d been upset about Jasper being gone and Jules was a reminder of everything that happened. “Last I saw her was at her graduation party.” They’d looked happy then, but appearances could be deceiving.
Guilt gnawed at Jasper’s stomach at hearing that. Not that it was his responsibility to make sure Jules had close friends to check up on her, but ... still. It was his fault she was so unhappy now. Maybe not before, while he’d been gone, but now it was all on him. He sucked his bottom lip into his mouth to nibble on as he drove, his brow furrowed a bit. He hated that he couldn’t make her feel better, and part of him hated even more that he had a suspicion on who was making her feel better. But thinking about Ethan would just make him spiral more, so Jasper tried not to do that now, in front of Ruby. “Just wondering,” he murmured. He tried to think of something else to talk about, something that wasn’t horribly depressing, but that was a stretch for him these days. “So I know shit keeps happening to like, push me back, but ... think your dad would still hire me if I went and talked to him? I need something at least part time.”
Ruby had a tendency to think that Jules had an entire squad of other friends she could call on, but she hadn’t seen Jules with them lately either. The only person she’d seen her hanging around with was Ethan, but Ruby didn’t want to mention him right now. She still didn’t know what was up between them and wondered if that hadn’t had something to do with the breakup, even if Jasper hadn’t said as much. “I should call her. Or at least text her. I’m so bad at having girl friends,” she said with a little smile. If only they had more in common than Jasper and shared trauma… Ruby raised a brow at the mention of working for her dad. He’d brought it up several times, and she’d mentioned it to her father already, but Jasper needed to get off his ass if he really wanted it. “If you want it, you need to jump on it. School just got out and you’re not the only one who wants something better than waiting tables. Stop fuckin’ around and go see him, okay?”
There it was again, that unspoken pressure. ‘Stop fucking around,’ like he’d just been having a lazy start to his senior summer, watching TV and taking naps without a care in the world. Instead, he’d been trying to adapt to being back in the real world from months in a hellish dimension, trying to handle the fact that he’d murdered his own grandfather, trying to deal with nightmares and panic attacks and that horrible surreal feeling that he didn’t belong with humanity anymore, all while enduring a breakup with the first person he’d ever loved and having a crisis about his sexuality. But maybe Ruby was right, and he was just fucking around. He could muscle all of that into submission, right? He was a Lucas, and they were nothing if not strong-willed. He could make himself be okay. “I will,” he said, his hands flexing on the steering wheel a bit. “Tomorrow, I’ll go tomorrow.”
Ruby wasn’t trying to be a bad friend. She was just unaware of the depth of his issues, how they made even getting out of bed difficult. Some of it she could relate to, but most of it was so big that she struggled to wrap her head around it. It didn’t help that there were details that she was completely obvious to, even if for good reason. Bonding over the people they’d killed in the last year was not something she was up for. If she’d had any idea how much her words stung, she’d never have said it. “Good,” she said with a little smile. “Even if it’s not something you want to do long term, it might be a good distraction. I don’t know about you, but when things suck for me, sitting around at home doing nothing seems to make it worse. Like, I want to enjoy it, but instead I just fixate.”
It was a hopeful thought, that Jasper could force himself to be all right, and for a moment in the sunny car with a good friend, it felt kind of possible. He could get himself straightened out and everything would go away and then he could get back with Jules and pick back up with his life like he’d wanted to. Deep down Jasper knew that was probably impossible bullshit, but he was going to cling to every tiny bit of hope that floated past. “Yeah, I’ve just been ... stoned and drunk a lot,” he admitted with a humorless huff. “So I need somethin’ constructive to do, you know? And to make a little money. I hate to keep bumming cigarettes off of my dad.” He also wanted to move out, but Jasper hadn’t figured that part out enough to mention it yet. He probably couldn’t afford to live alone, but would it be fucked up to move in with Logan? Should he get some other roommate? Or just keep living in Ms. Harris’s basement? “So what’s your plan now? Just work through the summer ...?”
Ruby knew that things like this didn't just "go away", but they should get better with time. Theoretically. Maybe he'd get back with Jules, or maybe he wouldn't, but she was positive that it was something he could get past, just like every other human who'd ever lived through a breakup. The rest... the rest would probably take work. Jasper was more resilient than he was giving himself credit for. All the Lucases were. Just look at Amelia. "Me?" she asked with a little smile. "Just keep working. Save up some money. Go to college in the fall, I guess." She wasn't as excited about it as she thought she should be. Getting out of Point Pleasant had always been the goal, at least for a while, even if she knew she'd eventually come back. Her dad was there and she couldn't imagine living too far from him in the long run. But at the moment it felt kind of daunting, like this big event looming on the horizon that she wasn't really looking forward to the way she thought she should.
“You just guess?” Jasper questioned, glancing over at her with a touch of amusement. “Shouldn’t you like, be accepted somewhere already? Or are you thinking about takin’ a semester off?” He wasn’t pressuring her, just asking. It felt foreign to use those sorts of words, like it was all way above his head, but Jasper knew enough to know that most college-bound kids already had a school lined up and everything. Selfishly, he kind of hoped that Ruby was taking a semester off and she would stick around for a while. They had the whole summer in front of them, but Jasper didn’t want to lose anybody else, even temporarily. College obviously wasn’t in his future, he just needed to start making a living in Point Pleasant. If he could keep his sanity, that was.
“I was accepted to a couple, but I haven’t—I haven’t decided if I want to go in the fall, or defer admission,” Ruby said. It wasn’t something she had talked to a lot of people about because they all seemed to have strong opinions and she knew hearing them might sway her if she hadn’t made up her mind yet. “I have a few options. I could go in person in the fall, which would give me the full ‘college experience’,” she said, adding the air quotes. “And with that comes a huge amount of debt. Or I could take online classes my first year, which means I don’t have to pay for housing if I stay at home, but there’s still tuition, which is pricey. Or I could defer admission, go to community college for a year, which is much more affordable, while living at home and working at Moxie’s to save for when I actually have to go away. Not exactly exciting, but if I really want to go to law school, it could save me thousands of dollars in student debt. And what if I go and I hate it? That’s just money down the drain.” It was something that had been weighing on her mind for a while now, now that she was faced with the reality of going to college versus the fantasy.
All of it sounded so foreign to Jasper -- he’d known he wasn’t going to college, so he hadn’t bothered looking into all that shit or applying for loans or admission anywhere. It sounded like real grown up stuff. Normal grown up stuff. It made him feel a little sad and a lot stunted. Even if he hadn’t been through the hell he’d been through, he wouldn’t be pursuing a higher education, but he blamed that on his upbringing more than anything else. He could’ve been angry about it, but he didn’t seem to have the energy for that at the moment. He let out a low whistle and chuckled faintly. “That’s a lotta options,” Jasper murmured, glancing over at Ruby. “I got like, no advice. Just hope that whatever you do makes you happy. You’ll kick its ass no matter what.” He was sure she wasn’t looking for his input, Jasper just wanted her to know he wouldn’t talk out of his ass at her.
“Thanks,” Ruby said with a little laugh. “I know I’m running out of time to figure it out, but it feels like such a big decision and all I want to do this summer is hang out and have fun. Sometimes it feels like all we do is stress about the future and I just want to try and enjoy the present for a little bit.” It felt like such a stupid thing to worry about compared to what Jasper was going through, but it was also the kind of thing that could have a huge impact on her future. She couldn’t ignore it forever, unless she just wanted to stay in Point Pleasant and find her own way. While she thought she was determined enough that she could make something happen, Ruby thought she might have more opportunities to bring something new to the town if she left for a while.
“Yeah, I get that,” Jasper muttered. It was something he wished he could do more of, more easily. He didn’t feel present at all, at least as far as he understood what that even meant. He definitely wasn’t enjoying his summer, hanging out and having fun. The only things that seemed to be fun to him lately involved lots of adrenaline and booze and bad decisions. Talking about himself was just a downer though, so he tried to stay focused on Ruby. “So, you and Clint got any fun plans for the summer? Is he gonna like, whisk you off to Maui or anything?” Jasper’s lips twitched upward a bit.
“That might be a little much,” Ruby smiled. “We keep talking about a beach trip, but I don’t know where or when. Or if he’s serious. I like the idea though, and it’s fun to dream about it, even if it doesn’t happen.” She knew at some point they’d have to accept that things were going to end in the fall, and she was afraid that might ruin any time they had left. That was why she was ignoring it with all her might, pretending that this summer would last forever on all counts. “I just think it would be nice to get out of town, even if it was just a weekend trip down to Kennebunk, though… I wouldn’t say no to Maui.”
Jasper thought Clint would be nuts not to try and take Ruby somewhere fun this summer, if he had the money for it. And anybody who lived in Overlook had the money for anything they wanted, in his mind. He didn’t know if they were going to break up at the end of the summer or what, but he wanted his friend to be as happy as possible for as long as she could. Jasper was learning the hard way that those moments were precious, few and far between. “You can make it happen,” he said, glancing over at her with a tiny smile. “Guys are easy to convince. And I totally get it, I just had to get the fuck out of here for a while with Logan. It was good.” It was a lot more complicated than ‘good,’ but the whole not-being-in-Point-Pleasant part of it had been excellent.
“I’ll just get a new bikini,” Ruby grinned. “That’s probably reason enough.” The cost of a new swimsuit was absolutely nothing compared to that of a vacation, but she didn’t worry too much about it knowing that Clint’s parents were footing the bill. Sometimes she worried that they might think she was using him, but Clint’s family’s money had never mattered to her. It was nice that he had it, but it also made her uncomfortable at times. She knew he wasn’t worried about the cost of college in the fall, not like she was. “So, what’d you and Logan do, other than get the crap beat out of you? ‘Cause I’m sure you could’ve done that here.” No one would have blinked an eye if a Lucas got into a fight; they might have even excused it as common.
There was that question again, a perfectly normal question that stirred up his insides in such a weird way and made him nervous. Jasper licked his lips as he kept his eyes forward. He realized they hadn’t even settled on a place to go, so he was just driving aimlessly around. Jasper took a turn that would eventually lead them to the beach, they could at least park and talk with the windows down or something. “Went to some clubs, fake ID’d our way in ... drank a lot,” he answered, but this voice felt weak and vague. There was so much more to say about it, a huge pile of feelings he didn’t know how to sort through, and he felt very transparent all of the sudden, like Ruby could read his mind. Jasper reached for his cigarettes. “If I tell you something, you promise not to like ... judge me for it?”
It had seemed like an innocent question to Ruby, like one of the safest topics she could land on. She was pretty sure they'd gotten drunk and done something stupid, something they could laugh about, something that had nothing to do with the traumas of Point Pleasant or his breakup with Jules. She definitely didn't expect the drop in his mood or the question that followed. Ruby licked her lips and nodded. "Yeah," she said softly, aware of the weight of that kind of question. She tried to brace herself for whatever might follow, the promise of no judgement staying her tongue.
If things had been normal, Jasper would’ve had a few hilarious anecdotes that he barely remembered to share, dumb stuff to laugh about with Ruby. But things weren’t normal, and they hadn’t been normal for him for a long time. The truth stuck in Jasper’s throat for a moment -- both of his Big Dark Truths, really, but being bisexual was better than being a murderer, at least as far as his friends were concerned. His family might be a different story. So better to confess to Ruby than one of them, right? “I love Jules,” he started out by saying, glancing over at Ruby with a furrowed brow. “I really do. But I don’t ... know if I’m straight, anymore. Some things have happened, and I might be bi or something and that’s part of why me and Jules broke up. Besides me bein’ a fuckin’ basketcase now,” Jasper added in a mutter.
Ruby’s brows drew together in slight confusion as she tried to understand why Jasper would be worried about her judging him for his sexuality. His dad might flip, but it didn’t bother her in the least. However, she could see how it might have bothered Jules. “Jasper,” she said gently. “I don’t care if you’re bi. Or straight. Or gay. Or pretty much anything.” It would have surprised her, but it wouldn’t have upset her. He was still Jasper, no matter who he wanted to fuck. “Did Jules break up with you for being bi? Or… or because you want some space to figure it out?” She could see it going either way. He could love Jules, but the thought of being locked in with the person he was with at eighteen could be terrifying, even without the complication of his sexuality added on.
Jasper realized he hadn’t worded that well, but it wasn’t like he really knew how to talk about this shit yet. He might not ever know how. He knew that Ruby wasn’t a homophobe or anything, he’d been more worried about judgement about fooling around with Logan, but he hadn’t actually said anything about that yet. Her question gave him that nervous-sick feeling again. “Yeah I know you don’t, sorry, I just ... I feel bad about it. I mean, I feel bad about everything, all the time, basically, but ...” Jasper sighed and rubbed at his eye with one thumb. “It’s both? I didn’t even mean to make it a thing, we were just talking about everything and I told her that sometimes I ... y’know, wanna fool around with Logan. Not that I was gonna do it, that’s just how I felt. She didn’t really take it well. But I do need time and space for a lot of shit right now, so I guess it doesn’t really matter. I just hate that it hurt her.”
Ruby could see it from both sides and either way it sucked. It was more like they needed to break up than they wanted to break up, meaning they were both probably miserable as a result. She could tell Jasper was for sure. “I mean, I get why she’d be upset. Like, I assume if she said she wanted to suck another guy’s dick, you’d flip the fuck out. But… if you want those experiences, then… maybe it’s better now than later. At least then you might know what you want.” She wondered how this conversation had even come about, how drunk Jasper had to have been to tell his girlfriend that he wanted to fool around with someone else. Ruby wasn’t sure if it was better or worse that it was Logan. On one hand, it was someone Jasper was close to, someone he trusted. But that also made it seem like more of a relationship, not just some fantasy he’d dreamed up of a random stranger or classmate.
He huffed and frowned at the idea of Jules sucking another guy’s dick. It was different, in his head, he just wasn’t sure if he could explain it well enough. If Jules had come to him and said she wanted to fool around with another girl, he wanted to think he would’ve understood and been cool about it, after he’d had that knee-jerk ‘hot’ reaction. But pretty much everybody thought two girls fucking was hot. Guys were different, he guessed. It was all tangled and messy, like everything else in his life. “I mean, I get it, but it’s not like I wanted to fuck a different girl, you know?” he posed. “It’s something she just can’t give me, like I couldn’t give her if she wanted to like, lick a pussy. Like if she came and told me she wanted to sleep with you ... I’d get it. But ...” Jasper trailed off and sighed again. “I mean it’s too late now, she feels how she feels about it, and I just ... I need to know. If it’s a real thing I want or if I’m just fucked up and confused about every basic thing. I dunno who the fuck I am anymore. I can’t be good for her, like that.”
"True," Ruby said, drawing the word out. "Think of it like this--you wanna fuck around with a different person. Your sexuality just means there's a broader range to choose from. And you're right, there's nothing she can do about it. She can dye her hair if you wanted a brunette, or get bigger tits, I guess, but she's never gonna grow a cock. And that could be really fucking depressing if that's something you want now, especially since her last boyfriend did the same thing." She cringed, thinking how much that had to suck for Jules. If it was her, she might be worried it was something she did, even if that wasn't the case. "But at the same time, I get it. You see something you want, and you wanna try it. And you can't if you're in a committed relationship. Unless Jules is cool with an open one, which I'm thinking probably not. And I don't think you'd like that either, 'cause you couldn't really restrict her to girls if she's not into them. And I'm rambling, so I'm just gonna shut up now. But I love you, and support you, and I'm maybe a tiny bit curious if Logan is any good in bed." She bit her lip around a smile and watched him carefully, hoping she hadn't said something that might upset him. Running her mouth like that tended to get her in trouble, but she didn't want to cause him any more grief than he was already dealing with.
The reference to Sebastian McCarthy made Jasper’s eyes widen and he let out a little groan before Ruby was done talking. He had been so absorbed in his own shit and what was happening that he’d completely forgotten that they’d broken up because Sebastian was gay. “Fuuuck,” he groaned, barely resisting the urge to bang his head on the steering wheel. He was still driving, unfortunately. “Fucking McCarthy, I forgot all about him, fuck, Ruby! Fuck me, fuck.” Jasper twisted his hands on the wheel, making the leather creak. It didn’t change anything, of course, he still had to figure himself out, but it was just another way he’d hurt Jules and it made him feel shitty. Jasper tried to push it aside as he turned into the little parking lot that overlooked the beach. He’d already decided not to mention to Ruby that he’d fucked around a bit with Logan before the breakup -- he hadn’t been in his right mind either time, not really. Once he’d parked, he gave her a sheepish sort of look. “Thanks though, I appreciate the uh, y’know, the support,” he murmured, then rubbed one hand over his face. “You know Logan would be happy to give you a demonstration if you wanted one, by the way. I don’t like, have anything to compare it to, of course, but ... it was good.” God, he felt guilty even saying that since they’d just been talking about Jules, and it showed.
Ruby considered taking the wheel for him as her point hit home, surprised he hadn’t thought of it, but also not. Jasper had clearly had a lot on his mind lately and Jules’ dating history probably wasn’t the top of the list. She was glad she brought it up though, because if he ever did want to try and fix things with Jules, he might want to think about things from her perspective first. If that was even what he wanted. Even if he loved her, it seemed like he needed time to figure that out. She gave a little laugh at the idea of propositioning Logan and shook her head. “I’ve got Clint right now. If I manage to fuck that up, maybe I’ll hit him up, but otherwise,” she shrugged. A little part of her brain pointed out that Jasper might be free as well, but she wasn’t all that interested in anyone at the moment. Except Clint. He took up that part of her brain without leaving room for anyone else, which she was fine with. “I know this seems like a really big deal right now, but you’ll get through this. Of all the things you’re dealing with, this is probably the most normal. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck, but… it’s probably better you do this now. You always hear about people rushing into relationships, getting married right out of high school, and then later feeling like they missed out on something. At least now you’ll know.”
Jasper winced a little at the word ‘married’ -- that seemed like an insane idea, but he’d been seriously considering moving in with Jules, and wasn’t that kind of close? Closer than he was comfortable with, obviously. Closer than he was ready for. Even without all of this fresh trauma hanging over him, he wasn’t sure now that he would’ve been ready for it. Jasper was pretty certain he would’ve just made an even bigger mess of things. At least nobody had to find a new place to live now. “You’re right,” he said to Ruby, dredging up a faint smile for her as he reached for his pack of cigarettes again and rolled his window down further. “About everything, pretty much. Except fucking shit up with Clint, I doubt that’s gonna happen.” He huffed and shook his head a little before he flicked his lighter to life. He should’ve brought a joint or two for them, he thought, too late. “It does seem like a big deal though. After everything ... and she carried so much guilt around, it just ... yeah, it sucked. And I miss her. But I gotta figure this out, that’s only fair, right? I feel half-crazy all the time now anyway, I gotta sort that shit out too.”
“I’m only right ‘cause it’s not my problem. It’s a lot easier to be wise on the outside,” Ruby pointed out, snatching his pack of cigarettes away to steal one for herself. If she had this kind of drama with Clint, she would probably be a fucking mess and it would be Jasper giving her relationship advice… which was kind of funny to think about. She leaned in, silently asking Jasper to light her cigarette. “Well, I mean, she did lock you in another world and leave you to die. I would hope she feels guilty about that,” Ruby said with a little frown. She understood why Jules had done what she’d done, and that she’d probably saved them all from being killed by the creatures in the fog, but she didn’t have to like it. It was just fortunate that Lucases couldn’t seem to disappear properly. They always came back. Except for Jasper’s grandfather, but that seemed like a godsend. “Don’t ever tell her I said this, ‘cause it’ll make me look like a bitch, but I’m not sure you can handle her drama on top of your own right now. If you can get your shit together, maybe you can have a chance again, but right now, you might just be dragging each other down.”
Jasper lit the pilfered cigarette for Ruby without hesitation. It was a little jarring to hear someone phrase the situation so bluntly, but he couldn’t deny that was what had happened. Only it wasn’t exactly him that Jules had locked away, it had been some murderous possessed version of him. At that point it had been kill or be killed -- and allow tons more people in town to be killed too. But still a small part of him was glad that Jules felt guilt about it. She wasn’t a monster herself. Jasper smoked silently as he heard Ruby out, and again his friend made sense. Being reunited had been blissful for a little while, but neither he nor Jules were in the right headspace to be good for each other. “That’s what it kinda feels like,” he murmured, slouching some more in his seat. The ocean air smelled good and the breeze on his buzzed head felt nice. “That last part, that we’re dragging each other down. Or at least like ... not helping each other get better. And we both need to. Think we both expected everything to just snap back into place, and it didn’t. I just don’t know how to get back there. Or like, carve out another good place for us to be.”
Ruby wished she had some good advice on how to find his normal again, but what Jasper had been through was completely unrelatable in so many respects. He’d been trapped in another world for fuck’s sake. It wasn’t like there were many people who could understand. “Have you talked to Amelia about any of this? Not necessarily the part with Jules, or being bi, but she’s kinda gone through this herself, right? Except she was gone for ten years.” It was hard to keep that part in mind sometimes, since for them it had barely been two weeks, but Amelia’s age was a constant reminder of what she’d been through. And despite everything, she seemed to be doing okay. “You could ask her what’s helped her. It might not be what you need, but it could give you some ideas. And… and really, I mean it when I say you have time to figure this out. No one’s expecting you to just snap back, like you said. I think it might take some work.”
“Yeah,” Jasper said with another soft sigh. “We haven’t really talked about it like, in depth. But I know.” It was probably weird that they hadn’t been talking much about it, since they’d been through ordeals that were similar on the surface. Jasper just had so many mixed feelings about it -- guilt that his time there had been so short in comparison, a sense of not being strong or masculine enough because his ‘baby sister’ had handled it all better than he was, resentment that she’d had an easier place to live ... it was all a jumble inside of him, along with everything else. He didn’t really know how Amelia felt about it either, and he wasn’t dying to find out. Everyone who suggested it was probably right though, they could help each other, but Jasper didn’t know anything for sure. “I’ll see what she thinks,” he added, looking over at Ruby with a faint smile. He at least wanted to look like he was working on it.
It was weird to Ruby that Jasper hadn’t talked to Amelia about it yet and she wondered what was going on in his head. She liked to think that if she was suffering from something, she would do her best to get help, but she knew that wasn’t always how it worked. Besides the fact that some things were almost impossible to talk about, she thought it might be hard to figure out what he needed. Ruby took a drag off her cigarette, thinking as she looked out at the ocean. It looked so peaceful out there, but she knew the water could be dangerous. Sometimes she felt like that was Point Pleasant in a nutshell. “You wanna go walk?” she asked, nodding towards the water. Her lips turned up. “Maybe build a sandcastle?”
There was a lot of toxic masculinity floating around in the Lucas family, and even though she’d been through something similar, getting help from his little sister with his feelings ran up against some subconscious beliefs in Jasper that were hard to overcome. He didn’t want to need help, even though he did. He wanted to be fine. He just wanted it to all go away, so he could feel okay again. Jasper knew that ignoring it probably wouldn’t make that happen, but fuck. He needed to just be sometimes. He looked over at Ruby when she spoke again and the second part made him laugh. He couldn’t even remember the last time he’d built a sandcastle. “As long as you don’t mind the castle being guarded by big-titty mermaids, sure,” he said with a smirk. Even just walking in the fresh air would be an improvement, so he reached for the door to climb out.
Ruby knew there wasn't a quick fix and that pretending everything was fine might not help things, but constantly dwelling on it didn't seem like a good idea either. He needed a break, a distraction, maybe some kind of reminder that things weren't bad all the time. Talking could only do so much and he probably needed time more than anything else. She knew that sucked. Time was the one thing he couldn't speed along even if he tried. "So long as they've got more than their tits to intimidate people," she grinned as she opened the door. It was probably a silly thing to suggest, and she hadn't been entirely serious, but now that she had it on her mind it sounded like fun. And maybe a little fun that didn't include beating people up was what Jasper needed right now. She could only hope.