BE-E AGGRESSIVE! (be_aggressive) wrote in shadows_rpg, @ 2021-04-23 14:36:00 |
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Entry tags: | #june 2018, gavin, gavin x jules, jules |
Who: Gavin and Jules
When: Late afternoon, Monday June 11
Where: The Back Porch
Status: Complete
It had been nearly a week since Jules and Jasper had broken up. Five days and yes, Jules was counting. They hadn’t spoken or even texted each other and Jules couldn’t really count how many times she had checked her phone. Or how often her heart lurched into her throat anytime her phone buzzed with a new message from someone. It never turned out to be from Jasper, so all Jules could really do was let her imagination run wild… and by that, she meant let her imagination torture her with images of Jasper and Logan doing things, or Jasper having fun and enjoying his life without her. It was probably overdramatic of her, but it was hard to think of anything else. He was the one who wanted to fuck someone else, not her.
But he was also going through something and she worried about him. She wanted to be there for him and try to help, but Jules honestly didn’t know how she could do that when everything else was complicated and confusing. That didn’t mean she couldn’t make sure he wasn’t being taken care of. She couldn’t talk to Logan about it, for obvious reasons - she was sure he would be taking care of Jasper already - and Jules didn’t really know how Amelia would take it if Jules showed up to ask her to help Jasper if he needed it. But she could talk to Jasper’s dad because he would listen and understand and Jules knew if Jasper started spiraling, Mr. Lucas would recognize it and help.
She couldn’t bear going to Ms. Harris’s house, just in case Jasper was there - or worse, if he wasn’t - so she drove to the Back Porch just to see if Mr. Lucas’s car was there. It was, which was a relief, so Jules parked and walked inside, not overly concerned anymore about walking into a bar in the middle of the day. She was eighteen now, after all. Not old enough to drink, but she didn’t feel like a “little girl” anymore when she was in a place like this.
Walking up to the bar, she asked the guy behind the bar if Gavin was in. He seemed to recognize her before he gestured toward the door behind the bar, like she was allowed to just go on back. Jules hesitated before doing so, pushing the door open and walking to the small office where she once told Gavin that she was afraid Jasper was changing after his fog-related injury.
Jules found him behind the desk and she tapped lightly on the door frame, appearing sheepish and apologetic. “Hi, sorry… um… Miles? Told me I could come back…”
Like with every other weird Point Pleasant thing, this weekend had been horrible and now it was just over. Gavin was glad he'd finally gotten a lot of sleep in but just like that the whole thing was fading from his mind. To be fair, he had other things on his mind, far more important things than a weird bout of insomnia. He was worried about Jasper, he was fretful about Aaron's bachelor party even if they still had plenty of time, and St. Dismas was going away for good which had had him in a tiff ever since he heard the burn ruins were being cleared out with no intent of rebuilding.
As soon as he saw Jules in the doorway, his worries were narrowed down for now. He knew about the breakup, but only because Amelia had told him. Jasper had been staying somewhere else for a while and that would have had Gavin afraid if not for the fact that he actually replied to text messages so he hadn't disappeared off the face of the earth at least.
"Jules," he said with a warm little smile and turned off the monitor to keep it from distracting him. He selfishly hoped this was just a temporary thing between the kids, he genuinely liked Jules and she was good for Jasper, it'd be a damn shame if she was no longer part of the family. "Come on in, everything okay? Considering..."
Considering... that alone told Jules that Jasper had told Gavin about their break up. Her chest tightened uncomfortably, because it felt... final, somehow, if Jasper was telling his dad. Jules hadn't even told her mom about the break up yet. It was like she was still hoping Jasper would just show up and want her back or something. And she honestly didn't want to hear her mom badmouth Jasper and then get pissy if they got together. Maybe Jules was just being overly optimistic or maybe too over-confident about things. Like Jasper would realize how amazing she was and how dumb he was to think he might actually want to fuck Logan, or whoever else. "Everything's okay," Jules managed, forcing a small smile before she stepped into the office to sit down. "I just wanted to talk to you for a second about Jasper. I guess, like, you know we broke up?"
Gavin didn't believe everything was okay for even a second, though he had to give her credit for the brave smile. "I gathered as much, yeah," he said quietly and gestured a bit awkwardly to the mini fridge. "If you want a soda or something, help yourself. On the house, of course." He was kind of glad she was there, he could ask her questions he couldn't ask Jasper, especially now when on the rare occasion Gavin actually saw him he was more like a thundercloud than a person. "It's been a rough year, rougher than usual." All those questions he was dying to ask died in his throat and he decided that since Jules was there to talk about Jasper, he'd let her start before he put his foot in his mouth.
Jules glanced at the fridge before shaking her head softly. "I'm fine, thanks though." To say it was a rough year was probably an understatement. After everything that had happened... even when she thought about all of it, losing Jasper and the abortion and then losing Jasper again... it still didn't come close to what Jasper had gone through and she knew it. Even if she wasn't happy about it, Jules really did want Jasper to do whatever was best for him. She just wanted him to be okay. "Um..." Jules rubbed her hands together between her knees, trying not to fidget. "I just know he's going through a lot right now and I don't think he's... I'm not sure he knows how to deal with it? Since I can't really be there to keep an eye on him, I just want to know someone will be. There to keep an eye on him, I mean."
Gavin felt guilt lance through him at that because he didn't even know where Jasper was at the moment so he truly was not the person to keep an eye on him. He never had been good at that and these days it felt too late to start playing the concerned dad. "He's not an easy guy to keep an eye on," he said apologetically, knowing she wanted reassurance but he'd have to lie to her to give her that and he really didn't want to do that. "He has good people around him, Amelia's been through something similar, Elodie was there with him. We just have to hope that's enough." He had other friends too but Gavin had no idea how much Ruby and Logan and whoever else he'd been hanging out with lately knew about his situation, or if Jasper could really talk to them. It was kind of sad how very little he knew about his son but that was on him, for not being active in his life when it had really mattered.
She really didn't know if it was enough. Maybe Amelia could be there for him, but Elodie? Frowning, Jules tried not to tell him that he needed to do better. Instead she squeezed her hands together to push through the flash of irritation. She liked Mr. Lucas and she knew that he and Jasper hadn't had the best relationship. But she trusted him and she needed to know he would at least try. "If he starts to like... get bad again... I can't come tell you about it like I did last time. I don't even know when I'll see him again." Her throat felt tight but Jules pushed the words through the emotion. "He doesn't feel right being back here... he feels different. I had a party after graduation and he had like, a panic attack just being there. He said he's not adjusting. I don't know how to help him but I just... please help him," Jules managed, her eyes welling with fresh tears again. "I think he thinks I abandoned him now and I can't do anything about it."
How did he help someone who didn't want to be helped, that was the question that troubled Gavin the most and he didn't know how to promise her he'd help Jasper when he wasn't sure he could. "What happened?" he asked after a moment of silence, one of the many questions rattling around in his mind. "You don't have to say, but... You're good together." He could have gone on, but he left all those words hanging between them unspoken, how he didn't think this break-up could last, how good she was for Jasper, how much they clearly loved each other, how much he wanted Jules in the family now, how strange it would be to see her move on with someone else.
Jules didn't really expect Gavin to ask that and she supposed she thought Jasper would just tell Gavin what he wanted Gavin to know. Which might have been nothing, really. And it wasn't her place to tell Gavin about Logan either. It might have been easier if it had been another girl. "I don't think I'm the person he needs to get through whatever he's going through. And I think... maybe he wants someone else?" Jules shrugged and looked away, hating how simple it sounded when it wasn't simple at all. "I just want him to be happy and figure out whatever he needs, you know? If that's not me, then... I'll be okay. I just think things are too complicated for us to like, be together now." Jules brushed her hand impatiently against her eye before she looked back at Gavin. "I put him in that place, right? How's he going to be okay with someone who did that to him. He says he's not angry with me, but like, how could he not be? I'm the reason he's so miserable now."
"Jules," Gavin said with a little frown, and it was almost insufferable how much talking she made him do, just by being small and lost and saying the things that made him want to talk sense into her. "If you had not done what you did, he would have killed Amelia. That is something he never would have come back from, if he'd ever even become himself again. He knows this, you know this." He understood they might need time apart, they were both carrying burdens far too heavy for kids their age but he didn't think for a second that Jasper wanted someone else these days. Who would that even be? Elodie? Shared trauma or not, he couldn't see it and by God he hoped it wasn't her.
"I know." And she did know, but it didn't make what she was saying any less true. "And I didn't come here so you could like... make me feel better about it. I just want Jasper to be okay. Will you just promise me that you'll try to help him? Even if he's an asshole about it... he just needs people to be there for him, okay? Please." Jules didn't want to beg or sound whiny about it, but she just needed Gavin to understand that Jules probably wouldn't be able to move on herself if she knew Jasper was still going through so much without people around who could be there for him.
The only times Gavin had felt like he could really help Jasper was when he'd been out of his mind with fear or so sick that he really needed caring for. His son was painfully independent and Gavin knew it was his own damn fault that Jasper didn't usually let him close. He had no idea how to help him with what he was going through, he had no idea how to even start trying. He sighed and nodded anyway, wondering if he should see about getting him to a shrink. It had helped Amelia a great deal, but she was generally more open to receiving that sort of help than Jasper was, not quite as jaded or hostile as her brother. He didn't even know where Jasper was at the moment so how could he really promise to help and keep that promise? "But Jules, you two really need to work out whatever is going on between you. I'm not saying you have to get back together but you're both hurting, that much is obvious."
She took the nod as a promise and while she didn't think it would be easy for Gavin, she knew how Jasper could be, she hoped that he would try. A promise was a promise. "I don't really know how to work it out right now," Jules admitted. "I mean... when he's ready... maybe we can." She was still clinging to the thought that Jasper would call her soon. Or text, even. Just something. She missed him like crazy. Because she could feel herself getting emotional again, Jules forced a smile and stood, aware that bursting into tears in front of Gavin would only make him uncomfortable. "Thanks for like, hearing me out though. About Jasper. I'm just worried about him. I want him to be okay."
"We all do," Gavin muttered and he didn't really like that she was leaving so abruptly when she was clearly upset. "You too, you've been through a lot this year. Are you taking care of yourself?" He couldn't help but wonder if she regretted the abortion now that Jasper was back and he truly hoped she didn't - it had been the right decision under any circumstances but that didn't mean it was an easy one. He didn't want to ask her that, dredge up some painful feelings she might have buried, make her feel awkward or worse. Instead he got to his feet too, at a loss as to how to get her to stay another minute or find out if she was really okay or not. "How long has it been?" he asked instead because maybe they both just needed time and while it was hard to measure just how long that might be, he was curious as to how long Jasper had not talked to her now. Considering his dark mood lately, Gavin was sure it had been a few days at least.
Was she taking care of herself? The question was just another to add to the long list of things that made her want to cry. "I'm trying," Jules said, her voice hoarse and it was hard not to just hug him so she could cry without him actually having to see it. Sometimes it was hard to take care of herself because when she started thinking about putting herself first, the guilt settled in. Jules couldn't really remember a time she didn't feel guilty. Or sad. Even when she'd been happy in the past few months, she had felt sad underneath it all. It was like all of those bad feelings had settled into her bones and refused to budge. Jules cleared her throat, understanding instinctively what Gavin was asking her. "Um... almost a week. Last Wednesday. I miss him."
"Does he know that?" Gavin asked quietly. Jasper was an enigma to him most of the time but Gavin knew that it was entirely possible there was some great big misunderstanding going on here. With how miserable both these kids were, he found it hard to believe that breakup had been a conscious and deliberate decision, but he also knew that he didn't know shit. Leaving Ollie had hurt even if it had been the only sane thing to do, but that was Ollie and he had no longer loved her. He really didn't think that was the case here. Maybe he was asking the wrong question and he cleared his throat and amended it. "Do you want him to know that?"
Jules shrugged softly, a faint smile twitching briefly at her lips. "He'd be crazy not to know. But... I don't want him to feel bad about it or anything. I want him to be okay and I want him to be happy... I don't want to like... guilt him about what's going on. We both know he needs the space to figure things out. It's just really hard. Like, when something happens, he's always been the first person I want to tell, you know? And like, I can't do that now and it feels weird. He was gone for so long and then we got him back and like, I lost him again. Except he's not really gone and I can't..." Jules trailed off, biting the inside of her lip hard to try and keep the emotion from overwhelming her. "Um, but if you do talk to him, you know... just... if it's not too weird for you to tell him I miss him then..." She knew how hard it was for Gavin to talk to Jasper and vice versa and she didn't want to make things even more awkward between them.
Gavin wanted to hug her. It was such a strange feeling of protective urges he didn't know what to do with it and sure, they'd hugged before, but she always hugged him first. So he stayed put and just frowned sympathetically at her, nodding along with what she was saying. "If I can't help him, I'll find someone who can," he muttered and then reached out to gently grasp her shoulder. "You need to take care of yourself now, you are so young..." That didn't make this any less painful for her, if anything it was probably worse and he wasn't so oblivious that he couldn't see how close to tears she was. It made him want to promise her everything would be okay, that Jasper would recover, that he would come back to her. None of those things were within his power to promise though and he also knew he couldn't resent Jasper for letting a good thing go. His boy was hurting and he was a Lucas - not a good mix at all and not at all promising for a good outcome. "Do you have someone to confide in? You're always welcome here but I'd feel better knowing you have a friend."
Jules nodded, swallowing hard again. “I have Ethan. He’s been... he’s there for me.” She had Carson too, though she was trying hard not to dump all of her problems on everyone in her life. Obviously Jules knew she had people who cared about her but it was hard not to feel a little lost. Maybe while Jasper was working out whatever it was he needed... she should be doing the same thing. “I’ll be okay,” she added, not wanting Gavin to worry about her when he had Jasper to think about. And because she wanted to she stepped forward to hug him again. It was probably weird to still think of him as a pseudo father figure but he had been the one adult there for her when everything had started falling apart. No matter what happened with Jasper, she would always be grateful for that.
Gavin only barely managed to not make that crack he felt inside him audible. He didn't like Ethan or trust him, because he was a good looking and well put together kid who was probably - definitely - harboring some feelings for Jules. He only knew he would not be telling Jasper that's who Jules was leaning on right now, it would destroy him and he had to wonder if Jules was truly oblivious to how it looked. The hug came at a good time as it hid his perturbed expression from her and he patted her back gently, trying to smooth those worry lines off his forehead before she pulled back. Of course it was entirely possible that she and Jasper would never get back together and in that case she deserved to be happy with someone else, Gavin just didn't like the idea of that someone being Ethan. "You've got my number," he told her. "If you need anything, anything at all, you call me. No matter what time it is, okay?"
Oblivious to how Gavin felt about Ethan, Jules nodded and wiped at her eyes impatiently. She was proud of herself for not sobbing like a little baby. Maybe she was making progress. "I will," Jules promised, because she felt like he meant it, and she appreciated that much. Taking a deep breath, Jules managed a small smile for his benefit. "Thank you, Mr. Lucas." She would go and let him get back to work. Hopefully, he would talk to Jasper to make sure he had people around to help him if he needed it. That was all Jules could hope for right now.
Gavin could see right through that smile and it pained him that she and Jasper were both hurting this much. He struggled to find something to say that was encouraging, motivating, healing, or whatever the hell it was people got out of meaningful conversations. He'd never been good at that, it always sounded so fake to him in his head, manipulative even. Was it a bad manipulation if it was meant to make someone feel better? He didn't know and it would still feel fake to him so he feared it would sound fake too. "Anytime," he said, instead of all the dumb sounding platitudes that ran through his mind. "And I mean that."
It was so weird to think back on her high school relationships and how after every breakup, or almost every breakup, Jules was sure her heart was broken and the world was certainly going to end. It made her want to laugh now, compared to how she would rather feel heartbroken than this. It was like her heart had been crushed, pulverized and then stomped on for good measure. And Jules knew it was partly her fault... mostly her fault, even. But despite how she felt, Jules was grateful that Jasper's dad was still willing to talk to her, to let her reach out if she needed something. He hadn't blamed her for Jasper's disappearance and he had driven her to the clinic when she had needed someone. In a strange way, he had become something of a pseudo-father figure to her and Jules realized she probably would have been devastated if she had lost the connection to him too after losing Jasper. Knowing that she needed to let Gavin get back to work, Jules stepped back toward the open doorway, resisting the urge to hug him again from gratitude. "I'll let you get back to work. Will you tell Ms. Harris and Amelia I said hi?"
It was probably weird that Gavin didn't want her to go. It was in his nature to worry so that wasn't exactly new but he couldn't help but think she was doing a lot worse than she let on. He'd already made her promise to be in touch and he'd told her he was there for her, what else could he say? "I will," he told her and wondered if maybe he could get Amelia to check on Jules sometimes, it was easier for a young woman than for him and he always had a feeling that reaching out to her could be construed as creepy. Funny how it would be less so if she and Jasper had married; that would make them 'official family' so nobody would bat an eye at him helping her. Societal rules were strange and annoying as ever. "You'll get through this," he told her, in case she needed to hear that. "We'll talk soon."
As much as she wanted to wail and cry that she would never be okay again, Jules knew deep down she would be. It hurt now, but it would heal eventually. Or she and Jasper would find their way back to each other and it would be even better than before. It was hard to tell what would happen and maybe that was part of what drove her crazy. Just feeling lost and uncertain. Jules gave him a faint smile. "Thanks. Bye, Mr. Lucas." With a small wave, she slipped out of the room and headed for the bar door, hoping that Jasper would be okay. If she knew he had people there for him, then maybe she could be okay too.