Sage Monroe (turnitup) wrote in shadows_rpg, @ 2021-04-03 14:42:00 |
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Entry tags: | #june 2018, jacob, jacob x sage, sage |
Who: Sage and Jacob
Where: Jacob and Connor’s place
When: Saturday afternoon, June 9
Status: Complete
Sage knew he wasn’t in the best condition to socialize with anyone, but he had to get out of his parent’s house. Since coming back from over there, being cooped up in one place too long felt suffocating. He’d taken to roaming around Point Pleasant, especially on the nice days, playing music in the park, or on Main Street, or down at the docks. He wasn’t busking; he just wanted to enjoy the sun and the change of scenery. It made him feel alive when he still felt so disconnected from reality. Even though his memories had returned, he was still so far from normal that he didn’t know what to do with himself. It was like he’d developed some weird case of sundowner’s syndrome, his agitation growing as darkness set in, and that was before last night, where sleep had evaded him completely.
He knew it wasn’t just him. His whole family had been awake and still was. But he was the only one pacing the halls of their little house, peering out windows, looking for creatures that he knew wouldn’t be there. He kept thinking he’d seen something out of the corner of his eye, but when he’d look, there was nothing. It was his mind playing tricks on him, stirring up the sort of fear that had him cowering in corners back in the other place. It hadn’t come to that yet, but Sage could tell that the capacity was still there. His heart would begin to race, his palms would sweat, and he would start thinking about making himself small so he could disappear, just blend into the wall. But there were no monsters here, only shadows.
It was a pain to deal with every night before bed, but staying up all night was pure hell. Sage had practically wept when the sun came up, thinking that maybe he could rest, but that continued to prove impossible. So while his brain was still all foggy from lack of sleep, at least he wasn’t out of his mind at the moment. He was hoping he could socialize with Jacob for a bit, just to distract himself. Anything was better than laying around the house at this point. It probably wasn’t safe to drive to Jacob’s place, but Sage made it work, parking out front before shuffling up to the front door. He closed his eyes as he knocked, then took a deep breath. Seeing a friend might energize him for a bit, and then maybe he’d finally be able to pass out.
Jacob wasn't expecting anyone and in his current state of complete insomnia mind, it was jarring to hear the knock. His first instinct was to hide and pretend nobody was home but then he thought it might be something important and he'd mess up something for Connor. He warily opened the door, sighing a breath of relief when he saw it was Sage. Sage who looked every bit as tired and miserable as he felt so it obviously wasn't just him and Connor suffering from lack of sleep. "Hey," he said, stepping forward to give Sage a hug, as much for his own sake as for Sage's - he'd always been a physical person, but ever since Sage had disappeared and then returned, Jacob was sure he was hugging him at least twice as much.
"You should have called first, I almost didn't answer the door," he said with a faint smile. "And I always open the door for you. Come on in." He moved aside, waving at Sage to enter, stifling a yawn as he leaned against the wall.
Sage would never turn down a hug from a friend. He’d always been a physical person himself and often craved more touch than felt appropriate. Months of near isolation on the other side had made it even worse, and he had to watch himself, otherwise he was afraid he’d become a creepy person who hugged for a beat too long, or sat an inch too close, or just generally crowded the people around him. “Sorry,” he said with a sleepy little laugh as he stepped inside and toed off his shoes. “Brain fog’s got me forgetting common courtesy. I’d have probably called if you didn’t answer the door. Just sat down on the front step and hope to nap in your garden. Is it just you? or is Connor home?”
"Yeah I'm just paranoid and jumpy today," Jacob said with a sheepish smile. "I shouldn't be afraid to answer the door." Well, maybe he should be when he was home alone, there were plenty of people in town who still hated him and his friends, he just didn't think they hated them enough to come to their houses. Hoped they didn't hate them enough to come to their houses. "It's just me," he replied then. "Connor had to go to the hospital, the whole insomnia thing is all over the place and it's making people sick." Connor was, in comparison, doing a lot better than some of the other doctors so of course he'd gone in and of course Jacob hadn't told him he didn't want him to go. "I've just been trying to keep busy, when I'm not trying to sleep. You want something? Tea... I don't even know if I should be offering you coffee."
“Yeah, I don’t know if that’d make it better or worse,” Sage said. “I tried some over the counter stuff for sleep around three o’clock last night and that just fucked me up. No sleep. Just delirium. Maybe something prescription would work, but I kind of doubt it.” He didn’t know what it meant when everyone in town suddenly couldn’t sleep no matter what, but it couldn’t be good. People couldn’t survive without sleep. They eventually lost their minds. Sage knew they were days away from that point, but he could still feel it looming on the horizon, waiting. He was starting to understand that there was always a threat in Point Pleasant. Some were just more obvious than others. “I take it you haven’t slept either.”
"Nope," Jacob sighed and glanced at the nearest clock as he led Sage to the kitchen. "Going on ...Twenty something hours. I don't math on a good day. I woke up around ten on Friday morning and I've been wide awake since." He frowned as he filled the electric kettle with water, the math coming easier than he'd thought. "That's almost thirty hours. No wonder I feel like shit. I wonder if leaving town would help and then how far we'd have to go before we actually slept. If I'm not asleep by tonight I'll fucking walk to find out if I have to." It certainly raised the question of why the hell they stayed in this town but that question was so easy to forget when his life was usually so sweet - when it was not awful.
Sage didn’t know the calculations, but figured that he and Jacob were running on the same lack of sleep. Thirty hours would be about right. It was definitely a record for him, not one he wanted to beat. “Problem is, once you hit that line out of town, what stops you from falling asleep at the wheel? I felt like a danger to society just driving over here.” And yet he’d risked it because it seemed unlikely to wear off on such a short trip. Point Pleasant loved fucking with them, so he doubted it was as simple as getting behind the wheel and a few minutes out of town. “I wonder what would happen if we hopped on a bus. Though maybe it’s something that sticks with us, like we’ve been infected with a no sleep bug. That sounds terrifying.” In his mind, it was a bug as big as he was, forcing him to stay awake. Sage tried not to picture it more than he already was, afraid his brain might make it manifest in Jacob’s living room. If his brain was going to play tricks on him, that was one he wanted to avoid.
"Maybe we could try escaping on a row-boat?" Jacob said and laughed at the thought, although it was slightly pained and pathetic sort of a giggle. "Then we'd just... drift if we fall asleep. Just take a radio and... I don't know. Supply stuff. Fuck, we'd probably get eaten by a kraken or something, nevermind." The ocean around Point Pleasant was probably no less terrifying than the woods. "We could get someone from the outside to pick us up. "If this goes on a lot longer." If it did go on a lot longer and it was as widespread as it seemed to be, maybe there'd be evacuation programs in place. It was kind of insane to think about. "Camomile or fruity tree?" he asked as he grabbed some tea from the cupboard. "Tea. Not tree. Jesus."
"I don't think you and me on a rowboat is a good idea, even in the best conditions," Sage laughed. He could picture them out at sea, the paddles floating away, the boat eventually capsizing before some terrifying creature pulled them beneath the waves. It was only funny because it was a situation he thought would never happen, mostly because he wasn't stupid enough to get in a rowboat. "I like fruity trees," he smiled as he leaned against the kitchen counter. "Apples, oranges, bananas. Is there such a thing as banana tea?" He'd never been in that tea shop on Main, but he heard they had everything. Maybe they had banana tea.
Jacob paused what he was doing and pulled out his phone because now he had to know if there was such a thing as banana tea. It sounded insane, but everything sounded insane to him at the moment. "Ooh, there's banana black tea," he said, eyeing the screen. "Oh my god, Sage. Banana peel tea is like a sleeping pill. We should try this." He'd barely spoken when he squinted at the phone again and sighed. "Or not. Next link says you shouldn't. Who can you even trust online?" He turned off his phone and glanced at the packages of teas again. "Wait, did you want fruity tea? Or do you just like fruity trees? Sorry, did you already say?"
“If you had it, I’d try it. I’ll try just about anything at this point,” Sage yawned as he laughed. Maybe he’d stop by that tea shop and see if they had any banana tea sometime. They wouldn’t sell it if it was dangerous, would they? “I think I said both,” he smiled. “But I’ll take some tea if you’re having some. Even if it doesn’t help. I’m just looking to pass the time at this point. I’m sure I’ll collapse as soon as whatever this is has passed. What have you been doing to pass the time?” It was hard to really focus on much, but everything he’d tried to put himself to sleep had failed. Even the most boring of tv shows didn’t allow him to doze, and yet he couldn’t function well enough to actually play a video game for more than a few minutes.
Jacob was entirely too confused by the tea talk so he made the executive decision to just bring everything to the table and let Sage help himself. "Oh wow," he muttered. "What have I been doing. It's all kind of blurry, like it's been just one long hour dragged into years or something. I've just been pacing a lot, took a hot shower and tried to sleep, drew a little and tried to sleep. Mostly just kinda zoned out." He'd been avoiding the windows after the sleep deprivation started making him paranoid and he'd been so sure he'd see Grayson outside that he hadn't dared look. "Oh, I've been doing commissions," he added with a faint smile. "I've actually gotten a decent amount of work done, weirdly enough. Wonder if I'll look back on it and be like 'holy shit these suck', you know, when I've slept."
“Yeah, there’s been lots of zoning out today,” Sage said as he surveyed the selection of teas. He didn’t know a lot about any of them, so he took to smelling them, hoping that might help him narrow down what he’d like. One that smelled like apple seemed like a good bet and he set that one aside, waiting for the water to boil. “Can I see?” he asked, perking up at the idea of Jacob’s work. As someone who could barely manage passable stick figures, he always loved seeing what Jacob could come up with. “Everything you do is amazing. I’d ask for commissions myself, if I had any money.” And any ideas on what he would actually commission. Maybe seeing what other people requested would give him an idea.
"You can get a commission for your birthday," Jacob said and the truth was he would draw whatever his friends wanted him to if they asked, if he wasn't totally swamped in the first place. "And yeah I can show you some of them." He remembered all too well what showing Connor what he was up to had led to and he was pretty sure his friends would mercilessly tease him for what he'd been up to lately but hell, maybe Sage needed the laugh. "Just don't think I'm super into all of that now, I'm not, it just pays well." He smirked, giving Sage a look that said to expect the worst, then was thankfully preoccupied with the kettle finishing. "What would you want me to draw?" he asked over his shoulder as he poured some water in their cups, knowing full well he'd left Sage feeling curious. Unless he was too sleepy to pick up on it, that was also a sad possibility.
Even as tired as he was, Sage didn’t miss the fact that there must be something weird about whatever commissions Jacob had taken on and he wasn’t about to let it go. “I dunno,” he smiled. “Maybe I’d like to see myself as an adventurer. I’d probably be a bard. Maybe a half-elf. I’d have my guitar and some other light-weight weapon, because the guitar is heavy enough. Maybe it’s spelled so I can hit people with it. That would hurt. You know it was a weapon in Left 4 Dead 2? I always liked that. Or maybe I want what those other people want. You gonna show me, or leave me guessing?” He was mildly proud of himself for remembering, since his short term memory seemed slightly fried at the moment, but they were still talking about Jacob’s art, so that helped him stay on track.
Jacob loved the idea of Sage as a D&D bard and since Sage's birthday wasn't too far away, he figured he might start up a picture like that to work on for a present. He snort-laughed then and shook his head. "No, I don't think you'd want- I mean, I don't know. Not kink shaming anyone, maybe you're super into that stuff and that's okay! But I don't think so? I'll show you." He waited until they had their tea ready and then gestured at Sage to follow him to the spare room where he and Connor had set up their working spaces. "It's furry porn," he admitted sheepishly. "I'm not into it but it pays really well and the people asking for it are like the sweetest people I've ever talked to."
“Furry porn?” Sage asked with a laugh, both brows raising. “Please tell me it’s hotter on paper then in real life. I mean, no kink shaming here either, but that’s one I just don’t understand. Except maybe, like, a sexy catgirl, but I don’t really think that what’s in my head is considered furry.” In fact, the version in his head didn’t have much more than ears and a tail to indicate she was a cat, where as he understood furries to be in full on, head to toe costume. He always considered it to be like fucking Mickey Mouse or Barney, but maybe it was more like the dancers from Cats. It was a kink that definitely leaned towards the weird in his mind, but he’d never tried it, so what did he know?
"It's like part really cute and part really pornographic," Jacob said and despite how blasé he was trying to be about the thing, he couldn't help but blush faintly. It was kind of funny to him because most kink didn't phase him at all anymore, it was just Connor who managed to make him squirm and maybe that was why he suddenly felt so weird about it all. Connor had teased him about it and Jacob was still worried it had awakened something in him that couldn't be put back in the box. "So yeah, I'm getting a bit of a whiplash drawing it." He put his tea down and took a seat before turning on the laptop, gesturing at Connor's desk. "You can borrow his chair, come sit with me."
“Yeah, I kinda got the impression that cute porn probably isn’t your thing,” Sage snickered, teasing his friend, which was way too easy with the way he was blushing. He didn’t know everything Jacob was into, but he pictured more leather and chains than furry little creatures. But maybe some of the furry little creatures were into whips and chains. The layering of kinks, especially on so little sleep, felt like more than his brain could handle, so he tried not to think too hard on it. It made his non-existent sex life feel very boring indeed. “Where do you get commissions like that?” he asked as he pulled up Connor’s chair to sit beside Jacob. “Like, how do people even know that’s something you might do? I can’t imagine asking a stranger to draw porn for me unless it’s already part of their portfolio.”
"Word of mouth," Jacob replied. "I've got a decent amount of followers on Tumblr, I sometimes draw fanart for people and a lot of my stuff is already pretty explicit so... eventually someone sends a message and asks if I'd ever consider drawing this or that." He flipped through some of the pictures he was working on as he spoke. "Fanart is easiest but original stuff is way more fun. I'm just... Yeah. This is- Connor teased me about this one a lot." His smile was a little pained as he opened the latest picture in question. It didn't feel like he was breaching confidentiality or anything, not when he wasn't sharing the personal information of the guy asking for the artwork and the picture itself would be public either way. With this it felt more like he was putting himself on display in some weird way, showing Connor and Sage just what he was willing to draw for money. "I'm trying really hard not to develop a new kink," he admitted with a little titter. "I really don't need that in my life."
Sage’s eyes widened a little as Jacob pulled up the commission and he grinned as he looked back and forth between Jacob and the image. He wasn’t one to blush easily, which was probably a good thing, otherwise he’d have been red himself. “I mean, if people—if people looked like that as furries, I’d definitely be into it,” he laughed. “What’s one more kink to add to the list?” There was a time, right before he’d been trapped in another dimension, that he’d have lamented the uselessness of such a list when he was lacking a partner, but none of that seemed to matter these days. He spent most of his time trying to get out of his own head now, so uncomfortable in his skin that his body no longer seemed to function properly. He knew some things were arousing, could see that objectively, and he thought he should be interested. He just… wasn’t. It was like the ability to connect with anyone or anything was gone. At least it made looking at porn with a friend less embarrassing. “A tail might be fun. I could get on board with that.”
"I'm never, ever getting into puppy play though," Jacob said and by now he had the giggles and found it hard to stop. Looking at porn - porn he had drawn! - with a friend while talking about tails made him think of buttplugs and Connor's teasing and he knew he was on thin ice when it came to getting into all this. Sexuality was so weird, people were so easily conditioned and right now it was hilarious. "Like those masks?" he said between his gushes of laughter, gesturing at his face and shaking his head. "No, just. Woof? I don't... I'm so not-" he stopped abruptly, a knee-jerk reaction making him feel like he was falling as he was suddenly overcome with the feeling someone was in the room with them. He saw him out of the corner of his eye and spun around on his chair, holding his breath. "Fuck," he hissed when he found nobody was there. "It's like... the tenth time I see someone in here today."
There were some things Sage didn’t know about and was almost afraid to google. Almost. It depended upon how bored he was later, but he knew better than to ask what masks Jacob was referring to. He didn’t need his head exploding in Jacob’s drawing room. “I meant if I was a real furry, like that, not just some dude crawling around, pretending to be a dog or a cat,” he laughed along with Jacob, though his smile faded instantly when Jacob suddenly stopped. Sage’s focus jerked in the direction that Jacob looked, but there was nothing there… nothing that he could see. “Are you just seeing it in here? Or, like, everywhere?” he asked quietly. “‘Cause… cause that’s not just you.” He kept telling himself it was the lack of sleep, that there was nothing out to get him, but it was getting harder and harder not to buy into the paranoia. His instincts had kept him alive this long and he felt like he’d be a fool to ignore them now.
"Everywhere," Jacob groaned. "And it's never happened before so it's not like I think the house is haunted, it's just my stupid brain fucking with me and I know that. Doesn't make it less disturbing." It was less disturbing with Sage there; seeing a shadow from the corner of his eye was definitely far scarier when he was alone and he reached over to grasp at Sage's arm, clutching the fabric of his hoodie. "I'm glad you're here, even if you're as miserable as me right now. This lack of sleep is just fucking with me so badly." He glanced at his screen again, tried to focus on remembering something fun he could show Sage but his brain felt like a radio station that wasn't tuned in, nothing but static.
“Oh, I get it,” Sage muttered, glancing down at where Jacob held tight to his hoodie. “I did a lot of this over there. It fucks with your head.” The difference was that he never knew quite how long he was awake before he finally gave into sleep. Here, they didn’t seem to have a choice. They’d be awake until some switch flipped, be it a breaking point in their own brain or something triggering the whole town. Sage didn’t know, but he feared he’d completely lose it before then. “What…what kind of things are you seeing? Just shadows?” He could handle shadows. That seemed relatively normal. But if Jacob was seeing tentacles, they should maybe find some place safe to hide. Sage didn’t care if it was in their minds, he needed it for his own sanity.
"Just shadows," Jacob said quietly and it was one of those instances where he didn't want to share the burden with the people around him, opting to lie to protect them. He thought he was seeing Grayson, out on the street, in the doorway. It wasn't clear, just a silhouette that vaguely resembled him, but that was the name that always came to mind. Grayson. Sage really didn't need to know that though so Jacob gave him a reassuring smile. "It's just sleep deprivation. I'm also getting this stupid thing where things feel the wrong size, you know? Or my cup of tea is closer than I thought. So I'm being careful so I don't knock things over all the time."
“You need one of those signs they put on car mirrors: objects may be closer than they appear,” Sage said with a little laugh. “That doesn’t really explain the size difference, but mirrors can do that too. Like in a fun house.” Except Sage didn’t think he could ever set foot in one of those again. Even the most basic things freaked him out and he didn’t like the idea of someone playing tricks on him for fun. It felt like that now, like the world was just fucking with him for the hell of it. There was no way he could get back and everything just be normal. No, they’d had months of normal while he was stuck in hell. He’d returned just in time for the crazy to kick back up again. “Why are we here?” he asked, rubbing at his eyes. “Why do we stay in this hell hole, Jacob? Did things like this ever happen to you at college? Where your whole dorm couldn’t sleep? Have we been conditioned to think this is normal, so we stay?”
"We know it's not normal but I left and-" Jacob started saying, then trailed off and sighed heavily, rubbing at his face for a moment. "This is way too heavy today. I don't know. I don't know anything right now." He'd left and felt compelled to come back, he was staying now because Connor was here and he wouldn't go back to Portland until everything was settled with his parents. Some part of Jacob wanted to believe they would leave in a year or two but he wasn't so sure about that and the thought of leaving terrified him for some reason, like everything would fall apart if they moved out of this house and away from this town. He didn't doubt Connor's love for him as much anymore but there was still this insecurity deep inside him that told him that if they left, Connor would find someone better. "Portland wasn't great either," he mumbled. "Guess it's... the devil you know, or something."
It was something Sage had been thinking about a lot lately, why any of them stuck around in a town that seemed out to get them, and the more he thought about it, the more he thought it was something wrong with them. Any sane person would have moved out years ago. It wasn’t like he had to move across the country—half an hour down the road, to another town, would probably do the trick. Yet he was still there, just like so many of the rest of them. He needed to leave, to get out of this place and never come back, but he kept thinking that would only make matters worse and he couldn’t even explain why. He could tell Jacob didn’t want to talk about it though. “Yeah, I guess,” he sighed, closing his eyes and rubbing a hand over his face as he tried to think of something else to talk about. Something uplifting, or funny, or at least interesting. Not dark, which was the direction his thoughts often took these days. Dark, heavy, and unwelcome. Though sleep was impossible, his eyes remained closed and after a few seconds Sage disappeared where he sat, lost in his thoughts. He was usually good at putting up a cheery facade, but today he was just too tired to pull it off.
Silence was fine with Jacob and he could relate to disappearing into his own thoughts for a moment because much like Sage, everything he thought of saying was depressing right now. It wasn't uncomfortable silence, he almost hoped Sage would fall asleep for a bit, for his sake, even if it wasn't a very comfortable position to sleep in. He gave him a faint smile when Sage closed his eyes, then focused on his computer screen as he kept on scrolling, now just looking at the pictures for himself. It would have been kinda nice too, just having someone there - sleeping or not - but then, all of a sudden, Sage wasn't there and Jacob felt like someone had poured freezing cold water down his back. His knee-jerk reaction was to kick himself away from the desk, his breath hitching as he stared at the empty chair next to his, his own chair rolling a few feet before coming to a stop with him in it. Hallucinating shadows out of the corner of his eye was one thing, but he'd talked to Sage, touched him, seen him clearly right before his eyes. "Fuck," he whispered and covered his face, pressing his fingers against his eyes. "Fuck, what's wrong with me?"
“Other than the sleep deprivation?” Sage asked, opening his eyes and popping back into existence—not that he’d ever left. Unaware of the scene that created, he continued on. “I can make a list if you like—nothing we do matters, we’re doomed to stay in Point Pleasant until this town eats us alive, and if we don’t, we’ll go crazy. Or people will think we’re crazy, which is actually worse. Oh, and we’re social pariahs. So there’s that too. But you’ve got a hot boyfriend, who’s got a huge house, so that’s nice. Should I go on?” He needed to stop, to shut up before Jacob kicked him out and he lost one of the few friends he had. Sage had never thought he had a self destructive streak, but that hadn’t seemed to matter in the grand scheme of things. Everything he did seemed to put him in harm’s way. He just had to remind himself that Jacob’s house was safe, and Jacob was safe, and being an ass wasn’t acceptable just because he was exhausted. “Sorry,” he muttered. “I’m just stupid tired.”
Jacob's hands dropped from his face and he stared at where Sage was sitting, babbling on like nothing weird had happened. "I'm losing my shit, Sage," he whispered after the words had felt stuck in his throat for too long. "You..." He clamped his mouth and eyes shut and drew a deep breath through his nose. "I thought you disappeared. Like you weren't there anymore. Like I'm just hallucinating you right now." He'd been so high that reality didn't make sense, a long time ago at a party in Portland, but this was different. He wasn't on any drugs and he felt like he was losing his mind. "I don't even know what's real anymore." He slowly pushed himself forward, pressing his toes to the floor and rolling the chair closer to Sage again. "You're here... right?"
Sage’s brow furrowed in confusion. “I’m here,” he said and reached out and grabbed Jacob’s hand just to prove it. “I didn’t go anywhere. I can write it down if you want, but you can touch me. I’m here.” He’d heard that hallucinations happened at some point after sleep deprivation, but he felt like he’d gone longer in the other place before they started up. It’d been over twenty-four hours for both of them, but was that really enough? Then again, who knew what was causing this. It probably wasn’t normal sleep deprivation. “You’re just tired. We’re both tired. It’s messing with our heads.” And if they didn’t get some sleep soon, it was probably going to get worse. Fuck.
That was what Jacob so desperately wanted to believe but it had looked so real, it was hard to reconcile what he saw - or hadn't seen - with the idea that he was 'just tired'. He clutched Sage's hand tightly, afraid that if he let go, Sage would disappear again. His hand felt warm and real in his grip but Jacob couldn't shake that thought that if he couldn't trust his own mind, he could trust anything at all. What if it just dissolved in his grip as Sage faded away again? "Do you want to just crawl into bed with me for a while? See if we can sleep?" It might be a faux pas to bring someone else to bed but he wasn't going to have sex with Sage, he just wanted to sleep and having another body there next to him might help calm him down. Which the tea was supposed to do and he'd forgotten all about it, go figure.
Sage raised both brows, surprised at the offer, especially considering this was Jacob’s boyfriend’s house. He knew it didn’t mean anything, that the offer was exactly what Jacob said it was, to try and sleep, but he still wondered if it would be weird. That didn’t stop him from saying yes. He’d been without sufficient human contact for so long that he jumped at almost every opportunity to have some. “Sure,” he said with a little smile. “So long as Connor doesn’t come home and freak out. I don’t wanna get you in trouble.” There were a lot of things he didn’t understand about Jacob and Connor’s relationship, but the thought of Jacob being punished for cuddling with Sage wasn’t something he wanted to entertain.
"You're not gonna get me into trouble," Jacob reassured him and he would have been a little mortified to know Sage thought he'd get punished for something that wasn't negotiated beforehand. Connor knew he was a cuddly person who liked smooching on his friends but he also knew he was absolutely loyal to Connor. He kind of wished they had a good guest bed because taking him to their bed was the only thing he felt a little weird about, but this was no different than being sick and needing taking care of. He was exhausted and he needed his friend. He didn't let go of Sage's hand as he got up - still terrified he might disappear again - but grabbed his cup of tea, drinking some of it as if it might have some magical sleepy effects on him. "I just want this to be over," he admitted quietly as he put the cup back down.
A guest bed might have been preferable, but Sage couldn’t find the strength to care right now. He just wasn’t going to think about what Jacob and Connor might’ve gotten up to in the bed because that would make things weird. Really weird. Which was why his brain seemed to want to latch onto it, because his mind seemed set on betraying him. “How’s that work?” he asked, brows drawing together in concentration. He wasn’t being clear enough, but it was a delicate subject and he was afraid his tired brain was going to approach it with a sledgehammer. “You and Connor, I mean. How… How do you… What’s it like?” he settled on instead. It was a broad question, but hopefully Jacob would know which part of their relationship he was asking about without him having to be specific. He could try, but he was worried he’d embarrass himself with how little he actually knew.
Seeing as Sage had come out as bi to Jacob, it wasn't hard to figure out which part he was referring to and even if Jacob still thought he was straight he wouldn't think Sage was the kind of naive to ask about gay sex. He thought about the rules he was breaking as they walked into the bedroom, but those rules were okay to break under circumstances like these, outside of sex and play, and he was finally feeling secure enough in this relationship to know this was okay. He was reluctant to let go of Sage's hand so he just dragged him to the bed and shuffled over to make space once he'd sat down, pulling Sage with him. "Which part specifically?" he murmured as he curled up on his side, resting his arm under this head. "Like, how he's in charge?" He knew very well his friends were worried about this relationship being unhealthy and he was never sure how to convince him it wasn't, but maybe now was the time. Now when he was very likely to butcher the words and say something stupid. Great.
If Jacob had started explaining gay sex to Sage, he might have actually fallen over with laughter. That was something he’d figured out for himself while all his friends went away to college. And even if he hadn’t dated a boy or two, the internet was a wonderful thing. What he was asking about was more specific and, in his opinion, a lot more confusing. He crawled up on the bed with Jacob, finding it a little more difficult while still holding his hand, but he didn’t try to break the contact. If Jacob needed to keep touching him to know he wasn’t going to disappear, that was fine. “Yeah,” he said as he settled in on the bed. “Like… He’s in charge of… what? Like, does he tell you where you can go and what you can eat and wear and shit?” He worried about Jacob, but some of it was also that he’d been with a guy that was the wrong kind of controlling. It hadn’t been anything like what he thought Jacob was into, but he also didn’t know the differences.
Jacob nibbled on his lip as he thought about it and trying to explain his dynamic with Connor to someone who didn't have those needs was going to be tricky, he knew that, especially when he was this tired. "He has all the control I'm willing to give him," he finally settled on. "And I'm honestly willing to give it all. He cares about me and he cares for me, you know? I mean, we love each other. I'm still getting used to the idea that he actually loves me but he does and I'm working on not being an insecure asshole about it." Was he rambling? Was the rambling making any sense? He wrinkled his nose and squeezed Sage's hand reassuringly. "I like a lot of stuff that's, you know, getting tied up, giving up control, feeling powerless. But I also know I can do that with him without being in danger. We have safewords, he knows me ... sometimes better than I know me. He's never crossed a line. But yeah. I ask him for opinion on most things, I ask him what he wants me to wear, what he wants me to do. Sometimes he asks me too, but he likes to be in control and I like not being in control."
He has all the control I’m willing to give him. The words played over in Sage’s mind, those sticking out more than any other. It seemed fair when Jacob put it like that, much more equal than he’d previously imagined. Like there was no taking without giving. No outright demands. The little knot of worry that sat square in Sage’s chest loosened a little bit and he focused on the rest of it, or tried to as best he could while fighting exhaustion. “I don’t like feeling powerless,” he murmured. He felt it every second of every day, like he had no control over anything in his life and he didn’t have a clue what to do about it. And since he’d come back, since his memories returned, it was exhausting just existing. Sage closed his eyes, feeling the chaos creep in and wanting to keep it at bay. “But…” he said softly. “If you’re giving up control, you’re not really powerless, are you? You could make it stop if you wanted?” Assuming Connor would listen. Sage got the impression he would. That’s what safe words were supposed to be for. “What’s it like, when you’re not in control?”
"Wow," Jacob murmured and let out a little laugh. That was a heavy question and one he didn't have an easy answer for. It was hard to explain something that felt good and bad all at once, especially when it felt bad in a way that was good. "A little scary, but then like I'm floating. Like all the thoughts get a little quieter and that knot in my stomach gets softer." He smirked, blinking sleepily at Sage. "And I mean, if I'm being honest, it's sexy as hell. Like he can just undo me with a single word. It's ridiculous how he just... says something and I totally unravel. But like in a good way. I know it seems like, you know, it's not good. From the outside. Like I'm some subservient forties housewife but that's what I want and it's what he wants. I just feel like a disaster at life and he's good at it so that's his thing, he takes care of it." The words became a little more hesitant at the end, but that was more because he was tired and unsure he was saying it right. "I don't think I'd survive losing him."
“Sorry,” Sage smiled, and curled in closer to Jacob, burying his face in his friend’s shoulder to hide the heat in his cheeks. It was a rather personal question, one he probably wouldn’t have asked if he’d been completely with it, and once he realized it he didn’t expect an answer, let alone one so honest. “I never pictured you a Stepford Wife, though you’d probably be cute in a little apron,” he teased lightly before becoming quiet again, more introspective. “The way you say it… sounds kinda nice.” Sage related to so much of that, from the noise in his head to the lack of direction and purpose, but he’d yet to find anyone or anything that could help. He knew he needed to do it himself, but if he actually knew how he would have done it already. Instead, he could feel the cracks setting in, getting deeper, bringing him closer to breaking day by day. “You’d survive. You’re stronger than you think you are. But… at the same time… I hope you never have to find out.”
"Me neither," Jacob said and he could feel the heat from Sage's cheeks against his skin where his loose collar opened. It was kind of adorable really and it made him grin despite the heavy subject. "I look amazing in an apron," he mumbled almost stubbornly. "With curlers in my hair." He huffed a tired attempt at a laugh and closed his eyes, trying to ground himself in the moment. He was safe, Sage was there, he could sleep. Only he couldn't sleep and his eyes didn't want to stay closed. When he opened them again, Sage wasn't there anymore - only he was, because Jacob could still feel his presence, his hand in Jacob's hand, his face pressed against his shoulder. He just couldn't see him. For all his eyes knew, he was alone in the room and devoid of any other senses he would have believed it too. "Sage," he whispered, his heart picking up speed and an uncomfortable sinking feeling in his stomach. "I can't see you."
Sage mumbled a little laugh as he pictured Jacob with curlers in his hair, his body still except for the rise and fall of his chest. For a second Sage thought he was about to doze off, but he never quite got there. His eyes were so heavy, his mind so ready to sink towards sleep, yet there was something keeping him afloat beyond all logic. It was like his consciousness would not shut down, no matter what the circumstances. Then Jacob said he couldn’t see him and his eyes popped open, instantly making him visible again. “I’m still here,” he said, looking up at Jacob, a frown tugging at his lips. “I never left.” It made him wonder if one of them was dreaming— if this was some weird ass dream that he was conjuring for himself, or if Jacob was actually falling asleep or something. “I’m awake… right?” he sat up a little more. “How can you tell a dream from reality?”
"I can see you now," Jacob mumbled and he didn't really want to think about the dream thing because he wasn't so sure he could tell what was real and what wasn't at the moment and it was terrifying. "I could still feel you but I couldn't see you. Maybe I fell asleep for a second." He knew on some level that he hadn't dozed off, that what he'd seen happen before his very eyes had been real, but wasn't that true of any realistic dream? He sat up as well, crossing his legs and watching Sage as intently as his slightly unfocused eyes would let him. "Close your eyes," he said quietly and if it happened again he wondered if that was proof that he hadn't fallen asleep and dreamed the whole thing. He was wide awake now, eyes open, his brain not quite alert but more so than it had been a minute ago.
Sage hoped Jacob had fallen asleep. That was the easiest explanation and the least terrifying one. He wasn’t sure he could handle the possibility of none of this being real, even if it wasn’t that bad a dream. He’d had far worse in the past few weeks. It would just be weird, to dream about having insomnia, and hanging out with Jacob, and furry sex. Sage sat up when Jacob did and turned to face him, crossing his legs, their knees touching. Something about the pose reminded him of high school. “Okay,” he sighed, closing his eyes. “If I fall asleep, don’t wake me up. I could really use a nap.” He was rambling, too worried about what might happen to stop. “This sometimes happened when I was… there. Except I didn’t want to sleep. I’d stay up as long as I could, until I was delirious. Until I was a bigger danger to myself awake.” Sage disappeared. “Then I’d sleep.”
It wasn't as frightening this time around. Maybe it should have been but Jacob just felt an intense sense of unreal as he watched Sage disappear before his very eyes again. He could still feel the light pressure of his knees against his own and he could still hear his voice so he knew he was still there. The urge to pinch himself came and went, it had never worked in any of his dreams, sometimes he felt pain in dreams and it didn't wake him up so why would it now? He felt awake though, just like the universe was a little off. Then again, Sage had spent months in another dimension so who was to say this was strange in comparison? "You're invisible," he whispered, his voice barely audible. "When you close your eyes, you disappear." It felt like he was talking to himself and this was jarring in multiple ways. "Open your eyes."
Sage’s heart began to race as a strange mix of fear and anger surged through him. If he was disappearing every time he closed his eyes for a few seconds, something was seriously wrong with him. He’d known something was off, that he didn’t quite fit the way he used to, that there was some kind of bond between him and the others who’d gone missing, but this was a whole new level of fucked up. His jaw tightened as he opened his eyes and he looked at his hands and leg as if to assure himself that he was still there. As far as he could tell, he’d always been there, but who knew what was happening when his eyes were closed. “Am I back?” he asked, fearful that he wouldn’t be able to tell. He didn’t know shit about how this worked. Maybe it would be cool if it wasn’t so fucking scary.
Just like that he was there again and Jacob felt like he would probably be more up at arms about how crazy this was if he wasn't so damn tired. Hell, maybe none of this would be happening if he wasn't so tired in the first place. "Yeah," he said breathlessly and reached for Sage's hands, gripping them tightly. "Is it possible to hallucinate this hard when you haven't slept? It's not like we've been awake for days but, everything feels really wrong right now." Maybe they had been awake for days and their sleep deprivation was messing with their sense of time or memory. It made him want to cry and he could tell Sage was shaken as well. "I'm sorry, maybe I'm just fucking crazy right now."
“I’m not a hallucination,” Sage said, his voice shaking as well as his hands. He didn’t know how to convince Jacob of that when there was no one around to confirm it for him, but he knew he was real. And Jacob looked awake, not like he was dreaming on his feet. “It’s not you. It’s me. There’s something wrong with me. There has been ever since I got back,” he said, breathing harder now, trying to fight off fear and panic and the ever growing urge to hit something. Not Jacob. Just… something. Unfortunately, there was no place to focus his frustrations. There was no one to blame but this weird fucking town. You couldn’t punch a town. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s happening. I only know it’s not the same as last time.”
"I don't think you're the hallucination," Jacob told him and shook his head helplessly. "I just think, maybe I'm seeing stuff again. Like you not being here. I don't think there's anything wrong with you. You sound like you, you look like you, except your hair isn't a crazy color." He gave Sage a wan smile and then pushed forward to wrap his arms around him, giving him a tight hug. "This is just another fuckery, we'll get through this," he mumbled and he needed to believe that. They were in a house he trusted and nowhere near the tunnel. They had to be okay.
“It was too short,” Sage huffed with a small laugh. “If I dyed it right now, it’d be black.” He’d always changed it to match his mood, though lately he wasn’t feeling it. It was his natural color for the first time since early high school. “What if this keeps happening? What if it’s not some weird insomniatic quirk? I can’t— I can’t just disappear every time I close my eyes.” He was really trying not to freak out, but mostly failing. What else was happening to him that he didn’t know about? The possibilities were endless. “I’m still here though. You can still hear me. And feel me, right?”
"If it's not me, then..." Jacob felt himself desperately scrambling for something to say, something that didn't convey that he was scared, that he'd been seeing shadows all day, that he had a soul-crushing bad feeling looming over him. It was insomnia. It was just insomnia. "If it's really happening then it could be cool, right? You could learn to control it. Become a superhero. Just don't walk out in traffic when people can't see you." He attempted another smile and pulled back, relieved that he could still see Sage. "And yeah, you're here, I can feel you and hear you and right now I can totally see you and you kinda look freaked."
“I’m not going anywhere with it if I have to keep my eyes closed the whole time,” Sage laughed nervously. It wasn’t really funny, but it was something he found himself doing when he was uncomfortable—laughing at inappropriate times. He knew he was going to be the idiot laughing at someone’s funeral someday. “But yeah, I’m—I’m kinda freaking out.” It felt like such a gross understatement. He’d been low level freaking out for weeks now. This was just a spike due to sever lack of sleep and some new weirdness he couldn’t explain. He wanted answers. Fuck, he wanted to be normal. Or at least as normal as he used to be. The bar was set so low, yet he couldn’t reach it these days. “Everything’s just gone to shit, you know? What if I’m disappearing? Just slowly fading from existence?” He shook his head. “I don’t know that I can handle this.”
"I won't let you," Jacob said, as if he had a say in it and wasn't every bit as helpless as Sage. "You're not gonna fade away. You're solid and if you can go invisible you'll learn to use it. Spiderman stuck to the ceiling at first, right? It'll just be like that. You'll stumble while you learn to walk kinda thing. I won't let you fade away." He found Sage's hands again and squeezed them, both to reassure Sage and himself. "Maybe when we've slept we'll laugh at how silly we were being right now. We're so fucking tired, we might be like half asleep and having weird dreams already."
Sage laughed a little and nodded, wishing he was at least half as badass as Spiderman at his worst. But then all Peter had to deal with was a radioactive spider, not a nightmare inducing tunnel and an otherworldly portal of horror. Until the monsters came. Sage didn’t think he was brave enough for anymore monsters. He just wanted to hold himself together and not have a breakdown on Jacob’s bed. “Maybe,” he said with a weak smile. “I might need you to help me practice. Since I can’t even see when I do it. How useless is that?” He supposed he could film himself, but he’d feel better with someone there. “I’d say we were lucid dreaming, except I don’t think we can share a dream. And I’ve never been so tired in a dream.”
"Not today," Jacob told him. "We're gonna try to sleep and we can figure this all out when we've actually slept. Because it might not even be real. We might just be some kind of Point Pleasant crazy right now." He just wasn't sure if he could sleep and that was as terrifying as the hallucinations were because if he couldn't sleep, they would get worse. "Let me just text Connor real quick and then we'll try to sleep." He let go of Sage's hands but kept their knees touching, some part of him still afraid that without a physical touch, Sage might just disappear on him completely. He fired off a quick text to Connor (Sage is here, we're gonna try to sleep. I love you, hope you can nap!) then tossed the phone to the side of his pillow. "You think you can sleep? I won't let anything happen to you."
“No, definitely not today,” Sage agreed. They couldn’t trust anything right now, not even their eyes. They needed sleep and then they could determine if this was really happening. Sage hoped it was just some quirk of their insomnia and he wouldn’t have anything else to worry about. “I don’t know if I can actually sleep, but I’ll keep trying. You want to put something on the tv? It might… it might keep our minds from wandering.” If it was real, and he fell asleep, then he’d disappear again. What if Jacob couldn’t wake him up? What if he forgot he was there? “Can you maybe… hold my hand or something? I just wanna make sure I’m still here. If I disappear again.” He knew Jacob couldn’t do anything to stop it, but the touch was grounding, a reminder for both of them.
Jacob had no intention of letting go of him, scared of the very same thing though his fear was based on different things than Sage's. He couldn't imagine being afraid of fading away from existence like that but he would do whatever it took to make sure Sage felt safer. "Not going anywhere, not letting you go," he told him and gave his hand a little squeeze. "We'll put something funny on, or something distracting. I'll find something." He shuffled away from Sage enough to grab the remote, still reaching out to hold onto him which under different circumstances might have been kind of funny. Not today though, not even a little bit. "Any preferences?" he asked as he settled back down and turned on the TV, beginning to browse the channels.
In any other situation, Sage would’ve found the whole thing silly, but he was glad that Jacob was humoring him because at the moment he was sure he’d just float away if Jacob let him go. He knew a good portion of it had to be in his head, that the lack of sleep was making him a bit crazy on top of things, but he wasn’t in a good place to deal with this new disappearing act he had going and he was glad he had a friend there with him to keep him grounded. He glanced towards the tv, trying to think of something good to watch, something familiar and funny that would keep him from drifting towards darker thoughts. “I dunno,” he said, curling back up with Jacob when he returned to the bed. “I’m not picky. Something like… The Simpsons. Or How I Met Your Mother. Or whatever sounds good to you.”
"We could watch this," Jacob said as he came to a stop on a channel airing an old episode of 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire'. "Get our brains tired." He had a feeling a comedy would just make him zone out and start thinking too much about unwanted things, but actually trying to remember trivia? He was pretty sure he'd get every answer wrong, but engaging the brain was better than not. "Looks like it just started." He gave Sage a faint smile and hoped against hope that they'd actually pass out before they could answer any questions at all.
“This is perfect,” Sage mumbled, even though he doubted he could successfully answer a single question at the moment. It didn’t matter, so long as it provided a suitable distraction until they fell asleep, which would hopefully be soon. If not, he just needed to get home before it got dark, otherwise Jacob would have his hands full and Sage didn’t want to do that to his friend. That was hours away though, something to worry about when it got there. Until then, he’d pray for sleep.