Jasper Lucas (sinsoftheson) wrote in shadows_rpg, @ 2021-03-12 11:29:00 |
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Entry tags: | #june 2018, jasper, jasper x jules, jules |
Who: Jules and Jasper
Where: Juniper Inn
When: Afternoon, Tuesday June 5th
Warning: drugs and sadness
Status: complete, Part 2
It was hard to believe it had been a year-ish since they’d started hooking up -- it both felt like forever ago and just a few months to Jasper. Maybe because he’d spent four of them apart from her, or maybe time was just a weird beast. Jasper smiled as he slid his own arms around her shoulders, fingers delving into her hair. It was hard to believe he’d made anything amazing, especially at that time when all they did was fuck and argue, but it was nice to hear anyway. That time had led to this one, so it was great in its own way. Being told he was perfect though, that was even harder to swallow. Jasper shook his head softly as he looked down at her, sliding her silky hair between his fingers. God, touching every single part of her felt delicious. “Not like, at all,” he murmured with an amused little huff, his gaze roaming over her face. “I’m just reflecting you. You’re the perfect one.”
"No," Jules said, closing her eyes at the feel of his fingers in her hair. It was like heaven or whatever version of heaven could exist in this place. "No one else would have done this for me." And while she knew the first few months of their non-relationship had been bumpy, it had been Jasper who made her forget all about Sebastian and getting dumped. He had made life exciting, being the only boyfriend who ever really pushed back and challenged her. And now she loved him in a way that definitely told Jules she had never been in love before. Everything seemed so clear to her and all of her doubts and worries had melted away with the diamonds on the other side of the window. Jules opened her eyes and slid her hands up his chest, just for the lovely sensation. "I wish I was perfect though and I thought I was before but I'm not. People know it now but... I just want to be perfect for you. I'm sorry if I'm not."
Jasper wasn’t sure if that first bit was true. If Jules had some rich boyfriend who was old enough to rent hotel rooms without a fake ID, he had no doubt someone else would have done this for her. Maybe not with the drugs, sure, but still. Most of the time he still felt like he wasn’t anything special, Jules was just super into him for some strange reason. Eventually she would see the truth. That thought still lived in his head. Because he was a cheater, wasn’t he? A cheater and a murderer, and even if she didn’t care about the latter, she would care about the former. Jasper gazed down at her, his expression serious as he lightly stroked his fingers down her arms. She was just made of silk and velvet, all over, impossible to stop touching. “I don’t care about perfect, don’t say sorry,” he murmured. “You’re better than I deserve, no matter what. My goddess.” Jasper leaned in to kiss her softly.
Jules's fingertips pressed lightly into his chest and Jules found she wished she could just... merge her body with his. It was such a bizarre thought but one that made her feel warm and brimming over with love for him. It was stronger than it had ever been and why couldn't they just be together all the time, forever. She hummed happily into his kiss, her hands sliding up to his shoulders and then to his neck, further upward until she could cup his face. "Stop," she whispered, speaking again between tiny kisses to his lips and chin and jaw. "You're exactly what I deserve. You have to stop putting yourself down all the time. You're so amazing. And pretty. And wonderful. You deserve me and everything else you want and anyone else who thinks differently is stupid and I hate them."
As much as he thought differently, that last bit made Jasper titter a bit. Which was good because there were so many things to say blocking up his throat, protests to make, sins to confess. So much of him was convinced that Jules only loved him because she didn’t really know him ... in spite of everything he’d told her, everything they’d been through together. It didn’t make sense, and god he was tired and he just wanted to be closer to her. Jasper didn’t like these walls between them, the weird feelings and guilt. But he didn’t want to hurt her either, and it was her birthday. He closed his eyes for a moment and tried to just feel her small soft kisses, those sweet connections like their own type of raindrops. “What if ... what if I wanted something that would make you unhappy?” he whispered before he could reel it in.
Jules was busy peppering those kisses down his throat and his whisper sounded like a lovely little melody in her ears. But it was also a little confusing because being unhappy didn't really feel like a possibility at the moment. She wanted to make him happy so badly. Looking up at him again, Jules brushed her thumbs along his jaw. "Like what?" Maybe he would want her to stop being friends with Ethan. That put a weird feeling in her stomach because it just wasn't possible. It was hard to imagine Jasper wanting anything that she wouldn't want for him. She had even given in on letting him live with Logan, though he had changed his mind on that. Jules smiled, just to ease some of the wariness she thought she saw in his eyes. "We could do... you know... that, if you want to," she said in a low voice, like there could be people around listening to them. "It wouldn't make me unhappy. I might even like it, you know?"
Jasper had been thinking of Logan and only Logan, how it felt to kiss him and feel all the straight lines of his body against his own. He’d been trying to figure out how to say it -- while also internally yelling at himself to shut his fool mouth -- when Jules went on murmuring to him. Jasper squinted one eye, a little smile quirking at his lips as he tried to figure out what she meant. Was she saying she might even like him fooling around with Logan? Did she want to watch? But he hadn’t even said anything about Logan out loud yet, had he? Jasper didn’t think so ... “What, like, do you mean anal?” he asked, unable to help the lopsided grin that crossed his face. That was the only other thing he could think of that she might mean, and since he couldn’t remember them arguing yet about Logan, it seemed the safest thing to ask.
He said the word and Jules wrinkled her nose even as she started to giggle. "Yes, but like... ew! I don't like that word, it sounds so gross. But like... yeah." She was still laughing, deep in her chest and she brushed her thumbs over his nipples before realizing, in a very distant, hazy way, that he had to guess what she was talking about, which meant that probably hadn't been what he was talking about. Still a bit breathless from the laughter that kept catching in her throat, Jules's eyes squinted a little in curiosity. "What did you mean though? Like... if it's not that... what do you want?" Everything was so pretty and perfect and colorful and it was like she was swimming in the ocean, except without the fear of drowning. He could probably ask her for the moon and she'd find a way to try and get it for him.
Her aversion to the word was super cute and girly to Jasper and he couldn’t help but snicker along with her. The way she was touching his chest felt nice in a glittery sort of way inside, and it was drawing him back into the present and away from ‘what if’s about Logan. Jasper slid his hands down to cup Jules’s ass and he gave a smirk. “I dunno, now that’s all I can think about,” Jasper murmured. It wasn’t totally true, he knew, but the desire to explore that part of his sexuality was currently overshadowed by the desire to explore a different part. He didn’t want to risk Jules being upset and ruining this opportunity. And her birthday, of course. Jasper dipped in to kiss her the way she’d been kissing him -- light and soft.
"But I want to know," Jules said against his mouth, still fighting the giggles as the word anal kept repeating in her head. It was hard to fully concentrate though because Jasper's hands and lips were on her and it felt so lovely. "I want to give you what you want, especially if it'll make you happy." That was something she wanted more than anything. He had been through so much, a lot of it because of her, and she just wanted Jasper back. The one who wasn't afraid or doubting his existence here. It was such a simple thought, that if she said yes to anything and everything he wanted, that it would fix him because how could it not be that easy when things felt this good?
Jasper gave a little groan before he could stop it, pulling back a bit to look at her. He sucked his bottom lip into his mouth as he studied her eyes. The light from the window was making them look like two precious gems, shimmering at him, and her pupils were slowly turning, intricate patterns swirling inside of them. In spite of secrets and walls and secret walls, he did feel close to her at the moment and he wanted her to be happy too. The way she was talking was exactly what he wanted, complete understanding and acceptance, and it made his chest ache a bit. He wanted to believe her so badly, but there was still fear lurking at the edges just like the mold on the ceiling. “Promise you won’t get mad,” he whispered, gently butting his forehead against hers. “Or sad or anything. Promise it’ll all still be good.”
Jules slipped her hands down to his waist, smiling when his forehead met hers. “I promise, promise, promise.” Her head was a combination of so many different things that she very nearly forgot what she was even promising. All she knew was Jasper wanted something and how bad could it be if it wasn’t anal sex? Being sad or upset just didn’t feel like a possibility right now. Everything felt so good. Jules pressed another kiss to his lips. “Promise.” Her word was a whisper and she hoped he would tell her soon so they could dance, or fuck or climb the walls and fly or something. The walls seemed to be swirling around them, the paintings coming to life. Even if she just laid down on the ground she could watch the show.
It was too perfect, and some part of Jasper knew he shouldn’t trust it. Nothing in his life came perfect or even easy, so why should this? But he felt so good and everything was so beautiful and Jules’s whisper felt like it was tickling the inside of his brain and her lips were soft like pillows ... it was so hard to think. He wanted to be close to her, and more than anything since he came back, he craved being understood. He needed it, and this was just one small thing to understand. Jasper slipped his arms around Jules more tightly and kissed her again. “Sometimes ... I want to fool around with a guy,” he murmured, his heart picking up speed to say those words out loud. “But only Logan. I think. So far.”
His arms were so solid and safe-feeling and it occurred to her just how acutely she had missed feeling them when he had been gone. Jules was thinking about how she wanted to kiss them when Jasper spoke again. His voice sounded a bit distant and it took Jules a few moments to really decipher what he was talking about. An unexpected, confused sounding sort of giggle escaped her lips as she looked up at him. Jasper wanted to fool around with a guy. Logan? Sometimes. The words floated around in front of her, not really making any sense. At least not until she squinted one eye in confusion, the words fell into place and then she grinned. "What do you mean? Like... what do you mean fool around?" Wait, he had told her this before! The relief that came with that memory prompted Jules to huff a soft laugh and her arms tightened around him. "You told me! At the bonfire. You said you wondered what it would be like to suck a dick. I remember. But not buttsex, because you didn't want to be someone's bitch. Remember? It doesn't make me unhappy. I mean, I think a lot of people kinda... like... wonder about that stuff sometimes."
While Jules processed his words, Jasper felt like someone had shoved sparklers under his skin, giving him electric crack-snap-pop sparks all over. It was like being nervous in the most literal sense, just full of jolting nerves. Jasper had opened his mouth to tell her what he meant when she laughed, a sound that startled him a little. His brows lifted, then furrowed as she talked. He had completely forgotten about his weird confession at the bonfire -- and that had been even before he and Logan had done anything, hadn’t it? His curiosity felt like a whole different beast now. It had morphed from curiosity into a straight up desire that was going to get him in trouble if he didn’t do something about it. “Oh yeah,” he said, then huffed a laugh. Jasper could still feel the pulse of the need to be seen in the back of his mind, but he saw an out here, and the part of him that was terrified of hurting Jules wanted to dive for it. “Guess I forgot about that. It’s okay though, that’s ... good.” It was good that it didn’t make her unhappy, even if it was just the tip of the iceberg. It was an iceberg that Jules never had to see, Jasper just had to get his shit together -- a task that felt impossible at the moment, when everything was so loose and slippery.
Were they swaying? It kind of felt like they were. Maybe the floor was moving beneath them. Jules was just marveling at how something so tiny as a mushroom could make everything come alive. Literally! And it didn’t even scare her. As long as the floor didn’t open up to eat her, this was amazing. Jules pressed another kiss to Jasper’s chin, clinging to him now that the thought of the floor eating her had taken root. He could protect her if it happened. “You said Logan though,” Jules said, her mouth moving before her brain had any time to catch up. “He wasn’t at the bonfire... he came home after that didn’t he? Like.... you mean you want to fool around with Logan?” And he said only Logan. So far. What did so far mean? Like there might be others? Jules pulled back, brows furrowed together curiously. It was like the conversation was catching up to her and she ought to just run from it, but she didn’t want to. “Is that like... something you’ve talked about? Or is it just... like... something you want.” It was funny, how thick her tongue felt in her mouth, like she was talking underwater or something. Everything sort of slowed down and felt strange now, but not really in a bad way. Just different.
That would have been too easy, wouldn’t it? Jasper’s anxiety around this topic was starting to come back, seeping into the edges of his sparkly thoughts again, pulling and distorting things. Even though he couldn’t see it because he was looking at Jules, he knew the black mold was creeping along the edges of the ceiling again, slowly infecting everything. Was it always here, lurking in this place? Or was it coming out of him? Jasper already wanted to rewind and take it back, not tell her, make something up. His brain wasn’t on right, it was floating around too much, this was going to end up bad. “We talked about it a little,” he said, which wasn’t really a lie. They had talked about it, they’d just done more than that too. “I told him, and I want to, but not ... not if it’ll hurt you. I’ll stop wanting it.” Jasper’s hands curled against Jules’s skin, one set of fingers gripping the back of her bra, like she might suddenly want to leave. He felt like he meant what he said, that he would turn that attraction off if Jules reacted badly and he would never touch Logan again. “I love you,” Jasper murmured, lightly headbutting her again. “I’ll stop.”
Everything was suddenly extremely confusing. Jasper wanted to fool around with Logan. Did that mean sex? Or just kissing? They had talked about it too, which felt... weird. The confusing part was that Jules was suddenly imagining the two boys naked and doing things to each other and it wasn’t an image that put her off. It was actually really hot because they were both gorgeous and... yeah, it was hot. But it was also a little distressing because he wanted to be physical with somebody else. Was she not enough anymore? Maybe their sex life had gotten boring or something. Jules didn’t really know how to feel and she had no idea if she was supposed to cry or laugh and so it all got mixed up in her chest until she realized she ought to swallow and breathe again. “Well, I mean... you can’t really stop wanting something if you want it,” Jules said. She was tripping balls right now and the paintings on the walls seemed like they were laughing at her but she hoped if she ignored them they would stop. Even high, she seemed to have the awareness that she needed to not freak out or everything would turn to shit. “I wanted to stop wanting you when we start hooking up but like... I couldn’t. It’s not like... a switch, right?” Her hands loosened on his back like they might fall away so she tried to hold onto him a bit tighter. Jules squinted a little, mostly to try and focus on Jasper and not the shit happening around her. “You haven’t like... I mean... you haven’t... he hasn’t kissed you or anything, right? You’ve only talked about it?” Boys had dicks and they did most of their thinking with their dicks, especially Logan. She was trying to imagine the two chatting about fooling around over tea or something and it made her want to laugh all over again.
Jasper’s distress was growing, the light in the room seemed to dim and focus in on Jules’s face. It was almost like tunnel vision. She was looking at him, looking through him, reading his every thought -- but no, no she couldn’t do that, right? He had to lie to her because it was her birthday and she would be upset, but god what if the truth was running across his forehead like a marquee? What if she just knew? Jasper tried to say no, they’d just talked about it, but he couldn’t seem to make the words come out of his mouth. “When I wasn’t myself, before ... the woods ... we kissed and touched each other some,” he said, and it felt like it took him a hundred years to say each word. Jasper’s heart was beating sick and hard now, and he could feel the sharp prickling of fear running down his spine. Part of him wanted to run, didn’t want to be there anymore, wanted to just bolt out the door and not look back, afraid to face what he’d done. And now he’d created this situation and the room was filling up with mold. Maybe if he closed his eyes he would wake up back Over There, where this wasn’t happening and didn’t matter, and for the first time since he’d come back he wanted that, just for a brief flash.
She honestly expected Jasper to say they had only talked, so when there was mention of kissing and touching, it took Jules a moment to catch up. But that seemed to be happening quite a bit in the last few minutes. Kissing and touching. When he wasn’t himself. Yes, the images in her head were hot and stuff but knowing it had happened already seemed to cool her blood significantly. Because talking about it was different than doing it, wasn’t it? It felt different. Her arms felt heavier too and despite how reluctant Jules was to do so, she let them fall away from his body. Why wouldn’t the floor stop spinning? She was going to end up falling over. “So... I’m confused,” she murmured, wondering if her words sounded as slurred as they felt. It was weird because she wasn’t even drunk. “You... wanted to fool around with Logan... and you did. And now, you want to fool around with him more? Like... more than touching and kissing? Like sex?” It just felt important to understand what he was saying so she knew what to say. And do. It was entirely possible she was just misunderstanding everything but he looked like he was scared and that scared her. “You still want him?”
Feeling her arms fall away from him was awful, and Jasper’s own grip on Jules tightened for a moment. He didn’t want to let her go, didn’t want any space between them, no room for cold contaminated air between them. Things were going downhill and it was his fault, all of it his fault. Jules had sent him to Hell and he was supposed to stay there, but he hadn’t. His cheeks burned and the air started to feel thicker in his lungs, like it had in Hell, and his sense of surreality got stronger, like none of this was really happening. Reluctantly, Jasper loosened his hold on Jules, letting his hands fall to her hips, unable to fully let her go. “Yes ... but it doesn’t matter,” he said, hardly thinking about the words he was saying, because was he even really there? Was any of this really happening? “You were asking me to tell you and you promised you wouldn’t get mad, but it doesn’t matter, because I don’t need it. I just need you, that’s all. So just, let’s just, just forget about it, okay? That was-- that was the worst-least ... least-worst thing ... that I did. Back then. It doesn’t matter.” Jasper shut his eyes, his brow furrowed, trying to ground himself in the sweet smells of this place and Jules’s warm skin against his palms.
It was so odd how one word could make her chest seize up like it might crack and shatter. Yes. Jasper wanted someone else - a guy! - and how could that not matter? Maybe she was just hallucinating all of this. Maybe it wasn't real, even though it sounded real and his hands on her hips felt real. Jules didn't know if not needing something mattered because wanting it did. Right? It made sense in her head in a very strange, distant way. Forgetting about it seemed as silly as it not mattering but Jasper had pointed out that she promised she wouldn't get mad. She had promised. But was she mad? Was anger an emotion she was feeling? Jules wasn't sure. It didn't feel good but she had difficulty really sussing out what it was. It occurred to her that the rain didn't really sound like twinkly music anymore, but like someone was throwing rocks against the window. "I'm not mad," Jules mumbled. She brought her fingers up to her lips, just to make sure they were the right size and hadn't gotten bigger or something. "I just... I don't think I can't talk about this right now. Everything is moving weird and I can't think."
If Jasper could have teleported himself somewhere else, he would have. He could kind of do that with his mind, couldn’t he? But every place inside of his head seemed worse than this one. All he could think about was black fungus and air like soup and no sun, only steel gray clouds and fog. He felt some relief when Jules said she didn’t want to talk about it right then -- or couldn’t, because there was a difference, he supposed -- but not much. Because even though he wanted her to, he knew she wouldn’t forget, and now he’d fucked up the mood and ruined her birthday. He should’ve kept his mouth shut, like always. Jasper wanted to be a stone, a brick, something dense and inert that didn’t need anything. Having needs only fucked him over in the end. He had to work on that. Jasper forced his eyes open to look at her, doing his best to ignore the tiny specks in the air that floated past his vision. It was just the shrooms, he was just tripping, that was all. Jules hadn’t been Over There, and he could still feel her with his hands. “Yeah, okay,” he breathed. “You want ... to maybe ... watch something? TV is pretty, like this ...”
It was too difficult to talk about things when her brain wasn't cooperating with rational thinking. She didn't know how long the effects of the shrooms would last. Jules suddenly wished she could just throw them up and feel normal again. Although, when had she felt normal in the past six months? Jasper was asking about television and that was probably the last thing she wanted to do. Curling up in the bathtub sounded pretty tempting though. "Yeah," Jules said, because then at least she could climb into the bed and if the TV was on, they wouldn't have to talk or anything. That was probably for the best. Things were so jumbled in her head that all she wanted to do was shut down and not talk and just feel whatever effects were left from the drugs he'd given her.
Watching something on TV was just the only thing Jasper could think of that wouldn’t force them to talk. The big bathtub didn’t even cross his mind. They were stuck together in this hotel room at least until the shrooms wore off in an hour or two, and if Jules wanted to leave after that ... well, he couldn’t really stop her. “Okay,” Jasper whispered. He gave one stroke of his thumb against her skin, then finally let her go. The mold and fungus moved with him as he went back to the bed to find the remote, advancing forward and then receding when he looked back at it, stalking him. Haunting him. Jasper sat on the foot of the bed and clicked the TV on, then slowly started channel surfing, getting transfixed by all the colors and movement on each station before his thumb pushed the button again.
Jules climbed onto the bed and got comfortable while Jasper started searching for something to watch. It was pretty and sort of hypnotic and Jules got sucked into staring at the bright colors and shapes as her body seemed to sink into the bed. Occasionally she would remember that Jasper wanted to screw Logan and something would jolt in her, disturbing the stillness. But then she was relaxed, mildly drowsy and floating pleasantly on top of the mattress. The TV had drawn her in and while she had no idea what they were watching, it was pretty enough that she had mostly forgotten everything Jasper had said to her. At least for a while. Eventually the colors started fading and Jules fell into a light doze. She had no idea what time it was when she squinted her eyes open, but it was darker outside, probably due to the storm. Rain was lashing against the window and to Jules, it just looked like rain again. No more diamonds. Or rocks. Licking her lips, Jules sat up and brushed some of her hair back from her face. She still felt tired but the room had righted itself again. And her mind was still foggy but... clearer than she wanted it to be. Her gaze found Jasper and she wished she knew what to say, or do. Things felt weirdly heavy and if she could have rewound the day to start over, she probably would have. "I want you to do what makes you happy," Jules said finally, hating the words despite the sincerity in them. "Even if I don't like it."
He wasn’t sure when it had happened, but Jasper had moved up the bed at some point to lie down next to Jules. He ended up falling asleep himself, into some fractured and unhappy dreams, but feeling her sit up again brought him around, and Jasper opened unfocused eyes. His brain was a mess for a moment or two, trying to orient itself. The mold was gone, the TV looked normal again, and he just felt hungry and vaguely sick. Jules’s voice made him blink rapidly and focus, and brought back everything he’d told her. Which thankfully hadn’t been everything ... It took him a moment to process what Jules said, his mind feeling too sluggish. There was none of the happy clarity he’d felt after previous trips, and Jasper already felt guilty for fucking up the whole experience for her. He licked his dry lips and tried to come up with a response. “I dunno what makes me happy anymore,” he murmured at last, not moving from where he was curled up on his side, staring blearily at Jules’s hip. “Everything’s confusing.”
His response only made the ball of discomfort in her stomach feel heavier. Did that include her? Obviously if he was thinking about being with other people, it had to. Jules knew she had screwed up somewhere and it had probably been stupid of her to think he could fully forgive her for where she'd sent him. With a shaky inhale, Jules tried to sort out her own thoughts, though she understood that this wasn't about her. It was about Jasper. She could scream and cry and cause a scene, but honestly, what good would that do? It was what she would have done last year for sure, but now it just felt stupid to let her emotions burst out of her that way. She already knew he felt miserable, she could see it in every part of his body, every inch of his face. That didn't mean she could just push the thought of Jasper kissing Logan out of her mind. Had they done that before Jasper broke up with her at the winter formal? After? She wanted to know but at the same time, she didn't. "Maybe," Jules began slowly, "you should take some time and try to figure it out then."
She wasn’t mad or crying or anything yet, but Jasper knew that could still be coming. They were both emotional people, in their way, and he deserved her anger, so Jasper expected it. What Jules actually said wasn’t what he expected. While he knew on one level it was the most sensible thing to do -- take a break to sort himself out, the same thing Logan had suggested -- it still felt horrible. Like a failure. He was home but he couldn’t be home, not in the right way, because he was all fucked up now and he obviously couldn’t keep up the mask of being okay to those who knew him best. God, how had he ruined this day so badly? A simple day when he’d had the simple task of making Jules happy. She’d started out that way, he’d just fucked everything up. Jasper’s nose stung and he felt a couple of tears squeeze out of his eyes. “I’m sorry,” he murmured hoarsely. “This isn’t ... this isn’t how I wanted this to go. Today. Or any of it. I don’t wanna l-lose you, Jules, I can’t ...” His throat closed up completely and he had to stop, putting a hand over his face and trying to will everything back down. He didn’t want to be this weak, this fucked up.
It felt wrong for Jules to be upset when Jasper was upset. Like she was minimizing everything he was going through if she got angry or cried. But what was she supposed to do? Stay with him and encourage him to have sex with whoever he wanted to if it helped sort out his feelings? And what if he wanted to keep having sex with Logan? What if he decided he was gay like Bash was and dumped Jules to be with him? What was she supposed to do? It felt horrible to tell him to work things out, to figure out what made him happy because she knew she was basically telling him to go be with someone else, if that was what he wanted. Just the thought of Jasper touching someone else made her want to be sick but she didn't think she could trust that their relationship was solid if she knew he was thinking about Logan. Just the fact that he was thinking about Logan at all told Jules something was wrong. Because he had always been hers, and only hers. And now he wasn't. "I don't know what you need from me... I promised I wouldn't get mad. I'm trying... if you want someone else, I can't, like... tell you shut those feelings off. But I don't think it's fair to ask me to forget about it. It's all I'll think about, especially knowing you're thinking about it too. You're unhappy and I don't think I'm helping anything."
Jasper forced himself to sit up, wiping his face off on his wrists and forearms since he didn’t have a shirt on. They were supposed to be cozy by now, stoned and making love on this big rented bed, completely focused on each other. Jasper wanted to be in that moment so badly instead of this one, where they were breaking up. Maybe temporarily, maybe for good, who the fuck even knew. But Jules was being calm and talking and so he wanted to try to do the same, and get himself under control. “No, I didn’t ... really mean forget, I was just ...” Jasper mumbled, gesturing to his head. “High and scared. Not thinking straight, I just wanted to take it all back. And it’s not just like, ‘oh boo hoo, I can’t have Logan so I’m unhappy,’ you know? I’m just ...” He pulled his knees up to hug, apparently incapable of uncurling whether he was upright or not. Jasper rubbed roughly at his eyes. “I’m not adjusting. I don’t feel right, everything’s jumbled. I was freaking out at your party and I couldn’t breathe right for a while, and it was so many people ... I’m having trouble re-connecting. Like I’m just ... floating loose, I dunno. I didn’t wanna tell you because I didn’t want to hurt you, I know I love you, I just can’t ... can’t be what you need right now. I can’t be me again, I just -- I don’t know who that even is anymore.” He stopped and made a frustrated sound, rubbing his hands over his buzzed head. He wasn’t making sense, he was pretty sure, and she would probably see all of these as excuses, now that someone else was involved. Jasper had just wanted to be understood, but now he knew that was probably impossible.
They didn't sound like excuses to Jules. It sounded like the truth. Maybe Logan was just one of many factors. Maybe Logan could be whatever Jasper needed because Jules couldn't. Her chin quivered despite how badly she tried to keep herself calm. "I love you no matter who you are," Jules said. Her voice was hoarse and it was hard to get the words out, but she was at least telling the truth. She knew he needed help but she just didn't know how to do it herself. It felt so much bigger than anything she could possibly say or do. Jules had figured if she just loved him and was there for him, it would be enough. But she had tried to help him before and had failed. In fact, she had made it worse, sending him to that awful place. It suddenly made sense that maybe someone else would be able to be there for him better than she could. Could he even look at her without remembering that place? She had done all of this to him. Jules reached up to brush impatiently at her eyes before pressing her palms against them, wanting to force all of the tears back inside. "I want you to feel better," Jules added after lowering her hands. "I want you to be happy again, even if it's not with me. I'm sorry I couldn't help you."
Seeing her start to cry made the hard lump in Jasper’s throat ache so much worse. He’d made her cry on her eighteenth birthday, what a piece of shit he was. He couldn’t even hold it together for one goddamn day. Maybe this was for the best, maybe Jules needed to be free of him for a while to see that he wasn’t any good for her. He’d been gone and come back and they’d tried to just pick up where they’d left off, making plans for the future that seemed ludicrous to him now. He couldn’t maintain a job and an apartment and keep a woman happy, he was just a total mess. He hadn’t been able to give her one good day. Jasper’s breath caught and he bit the inside of his cheek to try and keep himself in check, but god he wanted to bawl. He knew she might pull away, but he couldn’t help but reach for her, gently pulling her into a hug. “I love you too, I do, I promise,” he mumbled unsteadily. “I don’t wanna be with anybody but you, I’m just ... a fuckin’ mess and I don’t wanna keep hurting you while I clean it up. I’m sorry.”
She both wanted and didn't want the hug because it just made everything feel worse and at the same time, she wanted to cling to him and beg him to be okay and love her and not leave her. But it felt like he was leaving and she couldn't tell him not to because he wasn't happy and he needed to figure things out and that didn't include her. It was a shitty birthday present, but she supposed she would rather know it now than have him continue to lie to her while she thought about their future. Jules didn't know if he would still want her when he did "clean up", or that he would really try to. She knew when she was going through things, she wanted him there with her. She didn't think she could have handled what was happening to her without him. Maybe he didn't really need her the way she needed him. It was an unfair thought but Jules felt useless and helpless and all she really wanted now was to go home and lock herself in her room. "It's okay," Jules said, her voice cracking a bit. "You don't have to say you're sorry. It's not your fault." She pulled away from him to slip off of the bed so she could get dressed. It felt too weird to be talking like this partially naked.
She could say those words, but Jasper knew better. It was his fault. If he hadn’t run his damn mouth about what he ‘wanted,’ this wouldn’t have happened. If he wasn’t fucked up enough to lust after his best friend when he had a perfect, gorgeous, hot girlfriend whom he was madly in love with, this wouldn’t have happened. If he was stronger, if he had been recovering faster from his ordeal, this wouldn’t have happened. If he didn’t exist, this wouldn’t have happened and Jules wouldn’t have been in pain on her birthday. Jasper choked back a noise when Jules pulled away to get up, his hands reaching for her for a second before they fell to the bed. Desperate to cling to something, he pulled one of the thick pillows into his lap to clutch as he watched her start to get dressed again. Jasper wanted to beg her not to, wanted to grip her legs like a toddler and not let her go anywhere, weep and beg for forgiveness and all those things he knew deep down wouldn’t really help either of them. “I’m sorry,” he repeated, unable to help himself, his voice ragged. “This isn’t what I wanted. I didn’t mean to.”
Jules was now one hundred percent sure that she had never been in love before Jasper, because getting her heart broken had never hurt this badly. And she knew it wasn't something Jasper was doing maliciously. He was going through something and her presence wasn't helping him. She wanted so desperately to be what he needed but she didn't know how and it made her feel terrible, like she should know. Maybe it would be better if she just stood aside and let him say and do whatever he wanted, with whoever he wanted. She could assure him it was okay and she was fine with it and they could stay together until he figured things out. But she couldn't. The thought of Jasper touching anyone else but her made her want to be sick and it would only create more problems in the future if she pretended otherwise. Jules knew that wasn't the only issue. There was so much more, things she couldn't begin to understand and she didn't think Jasper could understand it either. "I know, Jasper." Jules's voice cracked again as she slipped her dress on and grabbed her cardigan. She knew if she started crying more he would just feel worse and she didn't want to do that to him. "I'm not mad, okay? I just wish I could make it better for you somehow. I wish I could just... be... what you needed. I don't know what to do. I think you just need to do whatever you need to do. That's not something you have to be sorry for."
He wanted so badly to know what he needed too, or what to tell Jules to do to help him, but Jasper was completely lost. It wasn’t like he could join a “I was trapped in a hell dimension” support group, or buy a book, or even go to a therapist to talk about it. He would get locked up for being a nutjob. He didn’t know how to deal with what he was feeling, the fears he suddenly had, the way he felt like clawing his own skin off with restlessness at times, how alien he felt in a crowd. Maybe he would end up collapsing under the weight of it all ... but at least now all the hopes and dreams Jules had for them wouldn’t collapse with him. Jasper felt like he was watching that happen in real time, and it hurt like hell. “I wish you could be too,” he murmured miserably. “I wish I didn’t need anything, I wish I was better for you.” He didn’t feel at all like he knew what he wanted to do as he sat there -- part of him wanted to beg her not to go and promise he would never talk to or think about Logan again. Jasper knew she would never accept that, though. Nor could he keep that promise, most likely. He loved Logan, he needed his friend just like he needed Jules. He had so few people he loved. There was so much more involved in his current crisis, but it felt like that was the breaking point, that she wouldn’t be walking out if he hadn’t confessed to those feelings. If he was indeed bisexual, Jasper already hated that part of himself. “Do you ... do we have to do this? Can’t we just ... I just won’t act on anything, you know? And we could just ... slow down some with the apartment and everything ...”
"But you did act on it," Jules pointed out. "And you told me you still wanted it. That's something I would always be thinking about and I know you would be too." She paused to take a breath, feeling herself starting to unravel. She didn't want to do that. She didn't want to be who she used to be and lash out and hurt him for hurting her. Jules loved him too much to do that, especially when she could see he was already hurting. Slipping her arms into her cardigan, she walked over to the bed and forced herself to sit down by him. "It's not just about that, Jasper. You're allowed to need things that I can't give you. I know you're going through something, okay? I've known it since you got back. I just didn't know what to do, or how to help, especially since I know I'm like, mostly responsible for it. I love you so much." She had to pause, because her throat started to close up with emotion again. "But I just don't think you're going to be happy until... you know what you really want. And it's not just Logan, but like... with everything. You told me you can't be what I want you to be right now, and maybe... I can't be that person either." She reached for his hand blindly, needing to touch him. "I don't want to lose you, Jasper, but I know I'm going to if I'm selfish and make you stay when you're feeling like this."
Jasper listened to her, though he struggled to look directly at her, still hugging the pillow to his chest while a few tears escaped his lashes and rolled down his cheeks. Everything kind of hurt, like his whole body had been tense for too long. Jules was right, of course, and Jasper hadn’t forgotten how tempted he’d been in Logan’s bed just a few days ago, how they kissed each other now when they were alone. Not to mention the other times he’d acted on it, more than he had told her. He owed it to her to sort himself out. Jasper took her hand when she reached for him, gripping it tight. “Just a break,” he said thickly, making himself meet Jules’s eyes. “That’s all, I just ... need some time.” He didn’t want to take time, he wanted things to feel like they used to and for everything to be fine again, but it wasn’t, and lying about it hadn’t been helping so far. There were things Jules couldn’t help him with and he couldn’t expect her to, or expect her to endure him while he worked through things. It was just hard not to be terrified that this would be The End of them, and fuck he wan’t ready for that. “Just don’t give up on me, okay? ‘Cause I love you so much.” Jasper’s face twisted a bit and he swallowed hard.
A break. Jules couldn't say for sure if that's all it would be. For all she knew, he would decide he was happier without her. Maybe he would be happier with Logan, or someone else completely. She hated thinking about Jasper having sex with anyone else... even the thought of him touching someone else made her want to cry. He was supposed to be hers. But she also knew they could crumble and fall apart permanently if she didn't let him go. Maybe he wouldn't come back to her... but maybe he would. What was she supposed to do until then? Her chest felt hollow and it was like every happy moment she'd had since he came back was draining from her. "I'd never give up on you, Jasper," Jules murmured. "I'm still going to be here for you, if you need me." She scooted forward, pulling her hand from his so she could cup his face and kiss him properly.
Jasper didn’t know what that really meant or how things would look going forward -- Jules might get home and get angry and never speak to him again or something. The thought of living without her in his life made him really want to bawl, but he tried not to. He tried to believe her, that she wouldn’t throw her hands up and abandon him. Suddenly he wondered if this was just a kind of continuation of the hell he’d been in -- he’d been brought back just to hurt the people he loved. He tried to focus on the here and now and not that ‘what if’ shit, he just wanted to memorize the soft press of Jules’s lips on his, because it would be the last time he felt them for a while, most likely. Jasper reached up to touch her hair, lingering in the kiss as long as he could. He wanted to tell her he would always need her, beg her not to go, but he was managing to keep a lid on the hysterics inside him.
Sliding her arms around his shoulders, Jules pulled her mouth from his to bury her face against his neck. She suddenly didn't want to go. She wanted to just lay there with him for the rest of the night, even if it meant a harder goodbye in the morning. Even though she knew what she was doing was the right thing for Jasper, it still hurt. "Can we just... lay here for a little bit?" she murmured against his skin. "Please." Maybe he wanted her to go. Maybe he wanted to be alone. But Jules wasn't ready to let him go just yet. Who knew when she would see him next? Things could change so swiftly, once the emotion of the entire day wore off. It scared her and while she knew she had friends, it still felt like she was losing the one person who knew her best.
Given the way he was feeling, Jasper felt like he might melt down completely the second Jules left. He wasn’t ready for it, not yet and maybe not ever. Was it even possible to be ready for something like that? It was both reassuring and painful that Jules wanted to prolong the time they had together too, and guilt gnawed at him again that this was happening on her fucking birthday. He definitely wanted to take advantage of the offer, because he didn’t want her to leave yet either. Jasper gave Jules a gentle squeeze and nodded. “Yeah,” he murmured, his voice still rusty with emotion. That was okay, Jasper didn’t really want to talk anymore anyway. He was obviously awful at talking and only succeeded in fucking things up. Instead he gently let Jules go so they could stretch out on the bed together. He had her back in his arms as soon as it was comfortable and settled in with her, swallowing around the painful lump in his throat.
Jules rested against him, slipping her arm over his stomach. She hadn't cried as much as she knew she would later, but she already felt emotionally exhausted. Maybe she could fall asleep and then wake up and this would have all been a dream. A nightmare. But it was never just a dream. The shitty things were always reality. Closing her eyes, Jules tried to relax, listening to Jasper's breathing, feeling the way his chest rose and fell beneath her. How was she supposed to function every day without this? Jules didn't think she was being dramatic. She had been missing him for so long and she finally got him back... and now she was losing him again. Her arm tightened against him, like she could keep this all from happening if she just never let him go.
Maybe they were just making it worse on themselves and prolonging the inevitable pain, but Jasper didn’t care. He couldn’t send her away, especially not when he craved feeling her body against his. He’d always been a physical sort of person, taking more comfort in touch and hugs than words -- maybe because he didn’t get a lot of the former growing up. It was part of what had gotten him into this trouble, but Jasper couldn’t help his nature. Jasper gave Jules a gentle squeeze in return to the press of her arm, his hand resting on her shoulder while his bicep pillowed her head. His other set of fingers lightly stroked against her arm over his chest, trying to comfort her too. At the moment he still felt awful, of course, but lying with Jules was quieting it down a little bit, for which Jasper was grateful. He closed his eyes too and tried to concentrate on her breathing and soft warmth.
Jules didn't care either. She felt like if she just laid there with him and never got up, then they would stay together and everything would be okay. If she could turn her brain off, then she could just pretend. She needed him and Jules found she was scared to face whatever was coming without him there. What if she didn't see him again for... for a long time? What if they didn't talk? What if this was it? Jules knew she was going to drive herself crazy, thinking about all of the horrible possibilities so she tried to push them aside. Her stomach hurt and her head was starting to throb a bit from a brewing headache, but maybe she could sleep for a while and lose herself that way.