logan rees (_problematic_) wrote in shadows_rpg, @ 2021-02-04 11:59:00 |
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Entry tags: | #june 2018, jasper, jasper x logan, logan |
Who: Logan and Jasper
When: afternoon, Monday, June 4th
Where: Logan's house
Status: Complete
Jasper felt like it had taken all of Sunday and then half of Monday to recover from his hangover. Jules’s party had been a rollercoaster for him. Besides all of the drinking and weed, there had been the emotional ups and downs, anxiety spikes, and ... something else he couldn’t quite name. He just knew he’d been more fucked up Saturday night than he’d been in a very long time. It had probably been stupid to indulge in so much when he hadn’t partied since January, but oh well. Hindsight was bright or some shit, whatever they said. After dragging his ass home on Sunday before Jules’s mom came home -- he’d stuck around long enough to help her clean, pausing to throw up in the guest bathrooms once or twice -- Jasper had passed out in the bed in Charlie’s basement and slept solidly into Monday.
Once he’d woken up and done enough personal hygiene to feel vaguely human again, Jasper decided to check up on Logan. He’d lost track of his best friend at some point late during the party, and hadn’t gotten to say goodbye when Logan left. Even as bleary as he was, Jasper felt like he had a lot to talk about that couldn’t be said to anybody else, and he needed his bestie. He flopped onto the couch, freshly showered, and idly petted Max with one hand while he thumbed in a text.
hey.. u up yet?
Logan was awake and actually out and about when he got Jasper's text. He hadn't seen Jasper since Jules's party, mostly due to work and other things. Today he'd gotten up to deposit his paycheck and buy some cigarettes, deciding to try and make good use of his day off. Jasper's text hopefully meant that Jasper wanted to hang out, otherwise Logan figured he'd just dick around all day by himself, and that was depressing. yeah I'm up. how're you feeling? Logan had been pretty wasted at Jules's party, but Jasper had been on another level. He knew his friend was in good hands with Jules though, so he hadn't worried too much when he eventually left that night.
Jasper smiled faintly when he got Logan’s response. He could always rely on that, at least, and it was comforting. Jasper did want to hang out, and not just to dump his feelings onto Logan. He was forming some loose plans for the next day for Jules’s actual birthday, and he needed some supplies from Logan too. Or people Logan knew, at least. ok. been better been worse. u working? wanna see u Jasper let his phone rest on his chest and kept petting the dog now leaning comfortably against him. He hoped Logan wasn’t busy, he was feeling more and more restless, and he would rather chill with his friend than wander aimlessly around town today, especially since it was raining and everything.
Logan instinctively began to drive towards Jasper's despite not knowing for sure if his friend wanted to hang out. Usually asking if he was awake meant "hang out?" so he was going on pure assumption. Jasper's text prompted a grin from Logan and he quickly thumbed in a response, doing his best to keep his eyes on the road. not workin today. be there in a few. If Jasper wanted to go somewhere else, they could do that too, but he was only a few streets away at this point. They could hang out there or drive somewhere else, it didn't matter. Work was really the only time Logan ever stuck to set plans and that was only because he had to. Shortly after sending the last text, Logan pulled up to the house, locked his car and walked up to the front door to knock.
That was perfect, and it actually gave Jasper a strangely strong emotional tug in his chest. Logan knew him. Why did that give him feelings? God, what kind of weepy pussy was he turning into? Fuck. k was all Jasper texted back, as he sat up and nudged Max off of him. He definitely didn’t want to hang around Charlie’s house -- it was still Charlie’s house in his brain, Jasper still didn’t feel settled in anywhere, especially not here -- so he needed to get some jeans and shoes on. Jasper had just finished with that and grabbed his smokes when he heard the knock at the door. It sent all the dogs running and barking. So much for a peaceful exit. Jasper waded through the canines, telling them all to shut up, and he opened the door and crowded Logan back so he could step out onto the porch without letting them all out. “Hey,” he greeted, a bit breathless.
The barking dogs made him grin. The Lucas family certainly had a full house in there. It was still weird to think about Jasper's dad living with one of Jasper's teachers, but at least they weren't married yet. "Hey back," Logan said, cocking a brow as Jasper stepped outside. "Where do you wanna go?" He imagined if Jasper wanted to chill inside, they'd go to the backyard to smoke. He was fine driving somewhere else, even to his own house. His mom was at work so it'd be quiet, at least.
It was indeed a crowded house now, especially with Elodie in and out sometimes, and Jasper was looking forward to getting out of it. He appreciated the space they’d provided him and he loved being around Amelia so much, but he was ready to actually relax, and he didn’t feel like he could under Charlie’s wholesome roof. “I dunno man, somewhere quiet,” Jasper answered with a low laugh and a roll of his eyes. The dogs were still barking. He started off the porch and toward Logan’s car. “Got a favor to ask you in the car though, so maybe not home yet.” ‘Home’ meant Logan’s house, of course, which felt more like home to him than this place, these days.
"Yeah, sure." Logan walked with Jasper back to the car, not entirely sure what kind of favor he needed, but aware that he would likely do it if he could. Once they were both in the car, Logan started it up and waited until he'd pulled away from Charlie's house before glancing at his friend. Since he couldn't ruffle his hair anymore, he reached over to rub his hand over Jasper's buzzed head, a grin playing at his lips. "What'd you need? Is everything okay?"
Jasper slumped low in Logan’s passenger seat, letting out a breath and already feeling a bit more relaxed now that he was out of the house and with his boy. The head rub only solidified that feeling and he closed his eyes briefly as that pleasant sensation ran down his spine again. He swore he was going to keep his head buzzed just to make everybody keep touching it like that. “Oh yeah, everything’s okay -- I mean, not like, everything, but it’s not like, a problem,” he said, letting out a little huff at how annoying trying to express himself was. “Jules’s birthday is tomorrow, and I want to do something fun for her, but like, more lowkey fun. So I was wondering if you could hook me up with some good weed and shrooms or something. Nothing super heavy, but I just wanna get her stoned and giggly all day, you know?”
Logan had known Jules's birthday was coming up, he just couldn't remember which day. "Yeah, I can do that for you. Stoned and giggly sounds like a good time. I'll see if I can get you some stuff tonight. One of the dishwasher guys I work with can probably hook me up." He glanced curiously at Jasper. "How's everything else? How bad was the hangover after Jules's party?" He'd woken up with a massive headache for a lot of the day Sunday but it had passed after a lot of sleep, a shower and some coffee.
He had plans to get Jules more than drugs for her birthday, of course, but Jasper thought she might be game to get fucked up and chill with him and just feel good, with just the two of them. And he loved that Logan had a hookup and it wasn’t any sort of big deal or pain in the ass. “Thanks man,” he said, giving him a faint smile. Then Jasper groaned and chuckled a bit. “It was bad, but I got to sleep through most of it. After we like, speed-cleaned Jules’s house. Shit was crazy.” He chuckled, loosely crossing his arms over his chest. “How was yours? When did you leave, anyway? I missed you heading out, I was bummed.”
"Shit was crazy," Logan agreed with a laugh. "I watched you jump into that pool like, fifty times." An exaggeration, but still. "Sorry for ditching out though. Some girl named Heather was, you know... eager. I think it was a little after midnight when we left. I should've found you, but again, shit was crazy and I didn't want her changing her mind. I hope the clean up wasn't too much of a pain in the ass." It occurred to him that he probably should have called Jasper the next morning to see if they wanted his help cleaning up, but... yeah, he had been sleeping pretty deeply.
“Yeah, I figured it was something like that,” Jasper murmured, letting his head fall back against the seat. He remembered feeling jealous as he suspected that Logan had found someone to fuck the night before, and he still felt a small pop of that, but it seemed reduced now that he knew it had been a girl. Somehow that didn’t bother him as much. Maybe because he had Jules. Maybe because he shouldn’t be possessive of Logan at all. “It was,” he went on with a little laugh. “But it’s okay. We got it done. Did you have fun with Heather? I think I hate her, but I dunno, I get Jules’s friends mixed up sometimes.”
"We had fun." Logan laughed and glanced at Jasper. "Not all of Jules's friends are vapid, you know. She seemed fine. She's already texted me... twenty times? So, yeah." He chuckled and shook his head. "At least I know I've got a hook up if I want it. Unless she goes all stalkery psycho on me. It's fine. You seemed to be having plenty of fun yourself. I thought you'd wanna ditch out after meeting Ethan." And he didn't want to bring up Ethan and send Jasper spiraling into a surly mood, but he did want to make sure his best friend was doing okay with everything.
Jasper wrinkled his nose a bit -- the idea of fucking a girl and already having twenty texts from her was unappealing to him. Nevermind that he and Jules texted all the time, that was different. Logan thought this girl just ‘seemed fine,’ so that many texts sounded annoying. The lack of enthusiasm was still nice to hear though. The sound of Ethan’s name was less nice to hear, and Jasper wished he had a hat to pull down over his face or something. “I did ditch out for a while after meeting him,” he said, the words half grumble. “But I thought you know what? Fuck him. So I came back down and had some fun.” That hadn’t really been how it had gone, but Jasper wasn’t keen at the moment on talking about how fucked up he’d felt and how he thought he’d had a panic attack and all that. “You’ve met him, right? Since you and Jules are like, friends now.”
"Actually, no," Logan said, shrugging. "We only hung out together, not with him. She mentioned him a couple of times when you were gone, but we never officially met. Anytime we hung out we just got high and talked about you." They hadn't become besties or anything. They'd had Jasper in common and hanging out together seemed like a way to keep Jasper... alive... in a weird way. He could explain that but it still made his chest hurt sometimes, thinking back to when he had thought Jasper was dead. It was easier not to think about it, because Jasper was back and Logan just wanted to look forward. "It didn't go well?" he asked. "Meeting him?"
It was a weird comfort that Jules hadn’t been parading Ethan around to Logan like she had to his family -- though he was aware that was an unfair way to look at it; nothing about any of it was very fair. He tried to picture Logan and Jules smoking a joint and reminiscing about him, or crying together ... had they cried? Some part of Jasper wished he could travel back in time and see it for himself. That was probably fucked up, but oh well. He was fucked up. Jasper was quiet for another few heartbeats as he tried to put words together to express how meeting Ethan had gone. At least he knew he could be honest with Logan and not have to worry about his feelings on the matter, like he did with Jules. “It went okay on the surface, but ... I fucking hate him already,” he admitted, sounding sullen about it. “He looks like a smug rich dickhead who gets everything he wants ... and he wants Jules. He’d fuck her in a heartbeat if she’d let him, I can fucking see it, dude.”
Logan let Jasper talk, silent as he drove them to his house. It was instinctive as Jasper's best friend to trash talk Ethan, to make Jasper feel better about the entire situation. Shit was fucked up in this town and shit was ten times more fucked up for Jasper. Logan had never been in love but he could understand Jasper's feelings on the matter, especially considering what he had gone through. "Most guys would fuck Jules in a heartbeat if she let them," Logan pointed out with a faint smile. "But you know, just because he wants to fuck her doesn't mean he gets to. She was fucked up without you, J. I really don't think you have to worry about that guy. Jules loves you."
Jasper tried not to be frustrated. He probably would’ve been saying the same thing in Logan’s position. He rubbed a hand over his face and sighed. “I know she does. And I’m not ... I’m not worried about her cheating on me,” he said, struggling to explain where his fear was really coming from. “I know she wouldn’t. She’s not an asshole like me, you know? But ... this dude, he, like ... she won’t shut up about how important he is to her and her power. He completes her. How can you have that with somebody and not develop feelings, you know? Especially with some guy who looks like he could be cast as Superman. Who’s got like, tons of money and prospects probably, a future, and I know her mom would love him ...” Jasper made a huffed noise that was both dismissive and kind of pathetic as that insecurity choked him up again. “People fall out of love all the time, is all I’m saying,” he muttered, the words a bit thick. He was back now, alive, so Jules could get over the guilt, and he felt it was inevitable that she would see how damaged he was now, and she would try to keep loving him for a while, maybe Ethan would be there as a good friend to listen to her problems, and then it would all implode because Jasper was a chronic fuck up, and then Ethan’s big thick arms would be right there waiting to comfort her, and they would fall in love because they were meant to be together, a key in a lock. He could see it all play out in his head, and it made him want to curl up and die and get it over with.
Logan huffed. "You're not an asshole, Jasper." Then he paused before adding, "Okay, so you're a little bit of an asshole, but that's why Jules loves you. One of the reasons. It's why I love you too. You're not... perfect. Neither is Jules. If that Ethan guy is perfect, it's all like... a mirage. It's not real. He's gotta have flaws too. If Jules didn't fall into his arms when she was alone and mourning you and discovering all of this new shit with her hands, then she's not going to do it now." Logan pulled his car into the driveway of his mom's house, put it in park and then looked at Jasper. "People do fall out of love all the time, you're right. I can't tell you what's gonna happen in the future. But she loves you and you love her, right? So just... be in love and be there for each other and shit. It sounds like you're already accepting that it's gonna be over and that's only going to push her away." Logan grinned and cocked a brow. "Listen to me, being all wise and shit. You're so lucky to have me, man."
All of those things were good to hear, even if Jasper couldn’t be as confident as Logan about the timing of everything. Jules had been mourning and thinking she’d killed him while he was gone, and it had only been a few months. Jasper thought that given enough time, Jules would see how much he sucked and would turn to her shining portal hero. Logan had a point though -- it hadn’t happened yet. So maybe he should just enjoy what he had while he had it. It was difficult to tell that to his anxious depression, though. Jasper had been submerged in so much pain for what felt like an eternity, he couldn’t just flip off that instinct to protect himself from more if he thought he saw it coming. He rolled his head to look over at Logan once they stopped. A smile that had a lot of complicated emotions behind it crossed his face at the last bit. “I am,” he murmured, and meant it deeply. “And I love you too.” Impulsively, he sat up straighter and reached for the back of Logan’s neck, pulling him in like he was going to kiss him. Jasper just butted their foreheads together instead, his eyes closing. “Once she dumps me, me and you are gonna run to Cali and get gay-married, right?”
Logan brought his hand up to slip it around the nape of Jasper's neck to hold him too. "I don't know if you remember much before you disappeared, but I told you I'd go anywhere you wanted to go. No questions asked. I'll absolutely get gay-married to you if you don't mind occasional third party enjoyment." If he was being honest, he didn't think it would be Jules doing the dumping, but he didn't want to tell that to Jasper. He knew them both enough to understand they were dealing with some life bullshit, but Jasper seemed a hell of a lot more fragile than Jules did. He wondered if Jules knew it, but that wasn’t any of his business either. He had to let the two of them figure this shit out together. Since Jasper didn't do it, Logan kissed him, lingering there for a moment before he smiled. "Let's go inside, yeah?"
There was a certain appeal in saying Fuck Everything and running away with his best friend. Logan was easy to be with, always had been, and in Jasper’s fuzzy imagination, they could just lounge around and get stoned and fuck all day, every day. Logan wasn’t complicated, Logan had never hurt him, Logan wouldn’t ask too much from him. His family would probably freak out and disown him if he ran off to be with another guy, no matter how many girls they brought into bed with them. That didn’t feel like much of a deterrent at the moment, sitting in the quiet car with Logan’s warm hand against the back of his neck. The kiss surprised him a little, but he didn’t pull away from it, and he smiled faintly back when Logan did. That didn’t feel like cheating, it just felt natural. “Yeah,” he murmured, then cleared his throat. Jasper squeezed the back of his neck, then let him go so he could turn and get out of the car.
Logan knew Jasper's life was complicated so he tried his best not to add to it all. They had been friends for most of their lives and by now, Logan was pretty sure he knew what Jasper needed and when. He didn't like confusing entanglements himself, so he knew what to steer clear of. But he liked touching Jasper and occasionally getting to kiss him and it didn't feel like they were doing anything wrong, so as long as Jasper thought it was okay, then it was okay. Unlocking his front door, he led Jasper inside and then locked up behind them. "Help yourself if you're hungry or thirsty," he said, toeing out of his shoes. "We can do whatever you wanna do. Watch a movie, get high, just chill. I don't care. Whatever will make you feel better about all the bullshit."
Jasper knew that Jules wouldn’t think him kissing Logan sometimes was okay, along with the other stuff they did before he disappeared, but there was nothing in him that personally balked at it. That was part of why it was so tempting, he supposed. He loved Jules intensely, and he didn’t think anything was going to change that, there was just apparently another side of him too that he’d never explored ... but he doubted she would understand that. Not like he wanted her to. So he told himself he and Logan would keep it to just a few private kisses sometimes and that would be that. Until his main relationship imploded, at least. He would just be grateful that Logan hadn’t felt compelled to get confessional with Jules while they were bonding over mourning him. That was a true friend. Jasper kicked his own sneakers off and headed for the kitchen to grab a soda. “Getting baked and watching a movie sounds pretty good,” he said over his shoulder. “I feel like I probably missed like, fifteen good movies coming out.”
"Yeah, you did. I missed them too," he said. Logan got halfway up the stairs to grab his weed when he paused and leaned over the banister. "You want to watch in my room or downstairs?" If they got high in his room then he'd just wait. But he also understood if Jasper wanted to stay downstairs where it was... "safe" so to speak. Lounging around in his room might be tempting or some shit and he didn't want Jasper to be uncomfortable. Logan wasn't going to try anything but still. He also didn't want to be a source of any confusion for his best friend. At least he could say he was growing and shit. Before he'd gotten to know Jules, he probably wouldn't have cared so much.
The question gave Jasper pause for the same reasons Logan was asking. Did he trust himself, considering how he was feeling today? He felt more uncomfortable second-guessing whether he could hang out in his best friend’s room or not -- a place he considered a sanctuary and had spent countless nights in before. The stubborn part of him wanted to go up there just for that reason alone. “Your room,” he called back as he fetched his drink. Jasper appeared to head up the stairs with him a moment later, giving him a crooked little smile. He wasn’t an animal, he could have some self control, right? Right. They would just get high as fuck and watch something funny and lounge together, like normal.
It was something of a relief that Jasper was cool with hanging in his room because Logan had worried that the stuff they'd done before might have freaked Jasper out a bit or made him more wary of spending time alone with Logan. But things felt mostly normal and that was what Logan really wanted. He led Jasper to his room and flopped onto his bed before rolling over to tug open his night stand drawer for the tiny baggy of joints he'd procured over the past few weeks. "You can pick what you wanna watch," he told Jasper. "I'm down for anything. Maybe something funny or with tits." He grinned at Jasper and rolled again onto his back before tugging open the baggy.
Jasper wouldn’t call himself freaked out, but he did feel strange about it, more due to the fact that he’d liked it so much and wanted to do it again. The days before he’d gone into the portal had been weird and surreal and full of this blankness inside that he couldn’t explain, but fooling around with Logan had been ... something brighter than the rest. He’d been incapable of guilt or remorse at the time, and the fact that he still didn’t really feel any had some meaning that Jasper hadn’t sussed out yet. He plopped down on the edge of Logan’s bed and snagged up the remote to his TV to turn it on and start browsing. The smell of weed was already comforting. “You haven’t gotten your fill of tits lately?” he said, flashing a grin back at his friend.
"Is there such a thing as too much tits?" Logan asked, cocking a brow as he got the joint lit. Taking a deep drag, he then handed it to Jasper. "If you wanna watch something with cock, we can do that too. You know I dig both." Exhaling, Logan sunk a bit deeper against his bed pillows, ready to just chill and relax with his friend. No work, no parties, no commitments. This was nice and something he had really missed when Jasper had been gone. He'd made some other friends from work but it definitely wasn't the same. Jasper knew him better than anyone and there were times Logan felt like he still had to be "on" around other people. He couldn't just... let himself be around other people.
“They don’t show cock on like, regular movies,” Jasper pointed out. That would take watching some porn, and he knew that should probably be off limits. Jasper took a drag off of the joint as he surfed through channels, looking for something familiar and funny that they could relax and zone out in front of. He felt like passing on the tits today. He found and settled on a raunchy sort of comedy movie on one of the premium channels, at least to start them out with. He planned to be hanging out for a while. Jasper took another small hit from the joint and moved from the edge of the bed closer to Logan, propped up against the headboard next to his friend, legs stretched out. Jasper offered the joint back and opened his soda for a sip. “So like ... how does that work anyway?” he asked after a beat, glancing at Logan out of the corner of his eye.
There was cock in some movies. But he was totally fine with watching something funny and light. Mindless entertainment was the best kind of entertainment, especially when he knew Jasper needed something chill right now. Already feeling relaxed, Logan crossed his ankles and rested his hands on his stomach as the movie started. Jasper's question prompted Logan to look over, one brow cocked curiously. "How does what work?"
Jasper was sure he’d asked these questions before when they’d talked about Logan’s bisexuality, but his memory was fuzzy, especially when he was smoking, and now he had a somewhat different perspective on it. To put it mildly. “Like ...” he trailed off thoughtfully, trying to get his words straight. “How do you know what you want? Do you wake up and like, ‘I’m really craving some pussy today’ or like, ‘I want a cock in my mouth’? Is it like, a fifty-fifty split? Or does it depend on who’s around?” Jasper knew on some level that everybody was different and Logan’s experience might not align with his own, but Logan was the only person he could freely ask these things, and he was still trying to figure it all out for himself.
Logan stared at Jasper for a moment before a grin broke out across his face. "Is that how you wake up? Like, your eyes open, you stretch and you think... you know what? After some pancakes and eggs, I'd really love to eat some pussy." He was becoming pleasantly stoned already so he chuckled and then shook his head, not wanting to turn Jasper off from asking questions if he was curious. "It's just... it just is. I don't really think about what I'm craving on any given day. I mean, sex is sex. It's really more about the person than whether or not they've got a dick or tits. If I'm attracted to them, that's good enough for me. Maybe that sounds too simplistic. I just know... what I want, when I want it. It's not like, a choice, you know?"
The first part made Jasper laugh a little, because yes, he did have those sorts of mornings sometimes. He could wake up horny and be sure that he wanted to eat Jules out, or fuck her this way or that ... maybe he was weird though. It hadn’t happened much since he’d gotten home, but his libido was all out of whack in general. Jasper hit the joint again as he listened to the rest of what Logan said, his eyes on the TV without seeing much of it. It wasn’t a super helpful answer when it came to sorting out his own feelings, but it all made sense to him, he supposed. It was just like being attracted to different types of girls, he guessed. He knew it when he saw them. “Do you like, tend to find more dudes or more girls attractive?” he asked, looking over at Logan again. “Have you ever kept track? ‘Cause I don’t ... I dunno, man.”
"I don't keep track," Logan said with a shrug. "I think... again, just depends on the person. Like, Heather was hot, right? But I think you're more attractive than she is. In my eyes." He reached out to take the joint from Jasper to take another hit for himself. "It's okay not to know, you know. Like, you're curious and that's okay." Holding the smoke in, Logan studied Jasper, not really wanting to overstep but understanding that he was probably the only person Jasper felt comfortable enough talking to about this. "What is it you want? You wanna like... explore stuff with guys?" They'd fooled around a couple of times, but those circumstances had been brought upon by fights with Jules.
It was kind of nice to hear that he was hotter to Logan than Heather, it satisfied the part of him that had been stupidly jealous at the party. It hadn’t been the level of jealousy he felt over Jules, and it had passed easily enough, but he’d still felt it. That probably meant something, didn’t it? It was even more soothing to hear Logan tell him it was okay to be curious but not know. He felt vaguely stupid, like all of this shouldn’t feel like such a big deal to him -- sex was sex, right? -- but at least Logan never made him feel extra stupid about anything. The weed helped with that too, and Jasper shifted down a bit lower against the pillows, trying to let that physical relaxation bleed into his brain too. “I wanna explore guy stuff ... but only with you,” he murmured after a moment’s thought. “Like I see other guys and I can tell they’re hot and shit, but I don’t want any of them. You’re the only one I trust, I guess. ... but at the same time I don’t wanna cheat on Jules or piss her off or anything.”
"Maybe you're not bisexual then. Maybe you're just Logan-sexual." He grinned and nudged Jasper's foot with his own. "But seriously, yeah, I know what you mean and I get it. I didn't start experimenting with that stuff until I moved to Virginia. But now I wonder how much easier it might have been if we could've figured that stuff out together." Who the hell knew where they'd be now. It was kind of nice to hear Jasper only wanted him to explore with but that could obviously change in the future. Logan just wanted to make sure fooling around didn't somehow ruin their friendship. People could get weird about sex, even guys. "I'm not good at the advice stuff," Logan said. "I can't tell you what to do or anything like that. But... I don't know man, if you want to explore shit and figure out who you are... maybe it's best to break up with Jules, at least until you know what you want. You're eighteen. You're not supposed to have all that shit figured out yet."
Even with Logan, Jasper wasn’t sure he would’ve felt secure enough to try anything with a guy in his earlier teens. Hell, he wasn’t even sure if he’d felt that attraction at all back then, his head had been so full of girls. Was bisexuality -- or whatever this would be called -- something that could develop later in life? Jasper didn’t know. He didn’t have a problem with any LGBT people, he just hadn’t considered himself one of them, so there were a lot of details he was clueless about. Logan’s advice did sound reasonable, but the thought of breaking up with Jules put uncomfortable knots in his stomach. He didn’t want to do that. He felt sure that if they broke up now they’d never get back together. But he didn’t want to ignore these impulses he had, either. Jasper was quiet for a moment or two as he chewed on that. “She wants to move in together,” he murmured.
Logan raised a brow in surprise, although he supposed he wasn't really surprised. Jules was done with high school and she was about to turn eighteen. She probably wanted to get out of her mom's house as much as anyone who finally had some freedom. "Do you want to move in with her?" The two of them had talked about getting a place together, something Logan had been looking forward to, but he wasn't going to be a pouty asshole if Jasper decided he wanted to live with his girlfriend. Logan thought it was a bad idea, but it wasn't his life or his decision so he'd keep that opinion to himself unless Jasper asked for it.
This was probably the worst way to bring this up with Logan, Jasper realized, a bit too late. He gave a little groan and rubbed his hand over his face. “Yes? No? Fuck, dude ... I wanna live with her, I wanna live with you, I wanna live by myself, I wanna live across the country, sometimes I don’t wanna live at all,” he said. “I don’t fuckin’ know. It depends on the day, the hour. But I know that’s ... that’s not gonna work, I gotta decide something, and when I said yes to Jules I really wanted to, but I don’t know anything for sure anymore. I still sometimes wonder if I’m really like ... still back there, dreaming all this. Or dying and dreaming all this. I don’t feel right, not like I used to, but do I even remember right, what I used to feel like? I don’t think she understands what it was like there, or like ... this total mindfuck that’s happening right now.” Jasper stopped, realizing he’d gone off on a rambly tangent, and took the joint back from Logan. He obviously needed more.
"I don't have any answers for you," Logan said, letting go of the joint for Jasper. He shifted a bit, rolling onto his side to face Jasper, resting on his elbow. "But I can tell you that this is real. You're not dreaming any of this. You went through a lot of shit and it makes sense that you're trying to deal with it all right now. Of course, you don't feel right. I don't know that anyone really expected you to come back here and just like... be fuckin' normal again. Only thing I can really suggest is just... talk to her. You gotta do what's best for you, whatever that is." It probably wasn't that easy but Logan could only give advice he could relate to. He didn't want Jasper to feel fucked up and confused, but he couldn't fix it either. He could just be there and do whatever he could, even if that wasn't much.
It felt like a lot to Jasper just to be able to speak freely about how he was feeling, so Logan was already helping more than he knew. He took a deep hit from the joint and held it in his lungs as he shut his eyes for a moment. Maybe Logan didn’t expect him to come back and be normal, but it felt like a lot of other people did. Or they expected him to at least act normal. Or they were watching him with their breath held for him to freak out or something. Which he’d already sort of done at Jules’s party, but maybe not the way everyone expected from him. Jasper’s blue eyes slid open as he exhaled the thick smoke up toward the ceiling. “Whatever that is,” he echoed in a murmur. He was getting more high now, the world slipping into soft edges and that familiar surreal feeling. It was comforting most of the time, now it just made him wonder if his dream-Logan would try to reassure him this wasn’t a dream. “What if it was best for me to stay over there? And all this is a big fuck up?”
Logan studied him quietly before the edges of his lips curved into a brief, faint smile. "If it was best for you to stay over there I think you'd still be over there, J. Something sent you back here. This is where you belong. It's just gonna take a while for you to get readjusted again. Besides, you're not the only one who came back. If you were meant to stay over there, I think everyone else would be there too." Honestly, Logan had no damn idea what had happened to Jasper, and how he came back. All he cared about was that Jasper was back. Scooting in closer to Jasper, Logan cuddled up against him, resting his head against Jasper's shoulder. "If it is a fuck up... then... we'll deal with the fuck up together."
Jasper wasn’t so sure about the ‘everything happens like it’s supposed to’ philosophy underneath Logan’s reassurance. Everything about the fog and what happened after was such a clusterfuck, he couldn’t fathom that it was part of some design. It was instinct to try and find meaning in it, he supposed, but he doubted there was any to be found. Jasper wondered now if the others were feeling as out of place as he was. He supposed he could ask Elodie, next time they were in the Harris house at the same time. Jasper’s eyes closed briefly again as Logan snuggled up to him, and he let his head roll to press his cheek against Logan’s head. He smelled good, familiar and comforting. It made Jasper want to sleep. Well, Logan and the weed combined. “If any of it’s meant to be, there’s a reason I showed up at your house,” he murmured a little fuzzily. “I’d be in trouble without you, Logan.”
"Well, yeah, I know that." Logan grinned, feeling lazy and comfortable now, pressed up against his best friend. He knew everything he was saying was easy to say and easy to hear. Getting Jasper to believe it was another thing. Logan was completely out of his element right now because he hadn't been a part of what happened to Jasper and he wouldn't blame Jasper if he felt like Logan was just pulling things out of his ass to make him feel better. In a way, he was. But he did believe that Jasper was home for a reason and even if it took a long time to get back to normal, he'd get there eventually. Hopefully. "Considering how shitty I felt while you were gone, I think it's pretty safe to say that I'd be in trouble without you too. Probably in a different kind of way, but you know what I mean."
Maybe it was so comforting because it was easy to hear, and easy for Logan to say. The casualness made the problem feel easier to deal with, to Jasper. Whether that was reality or not was a different story. For the moment Jasper was soothed, and that had been what he needed today. What he thought he needed, anyway. Jasper let out a soft huff and smiled crookedly. People kept saying they’d missed him, it was hard with him gone, all of that, and he didn’t exactly disbelieve them ... but it was hard to internalize that everyone he knew hadn’t just been better off without him. “Missed me that much, huh?” he murmured, nuzzling his cheek against Logan’s thick hair a bit. “You sap.”
"I did," Logan said, his eyes on the television without really watching what was happening. "I'm not the only one either. I'd say we were all kind of a mess without you around. No one wanted to fuck me either, 'cause I was such a downtrodden asshole. Now that you're back, I can get laid again." He poked Jasper's side teasingly. "I guess I am a sap. But I don't care. You're my best friend, dude. It sucked without you here, not knowing what you were going through. I thought about leaving again but didn't want to go anywhere in case you came back. I'm glad I stayed too, 'cause I have no idea how my mom would've handled you showing up in her living room the way you did, looking like a caveman."
The mental image of that made Jasper laugh, but also made him stupidly emotional too. He was intensely glad that Logan hadn’t left town too, he would’ve been even more of a wreck without his best friend during this readjustment period. Logan probably would’ve come back once he knew, but still. Jasper’s throat was suddenly clogged with tears. He rolled onto his side and
scooted down a bit until he could wedge his face into the warm spot between Logan’s neck and shoulder, slipping his arm around his friend’s ribcage. “Squeeze me,” he mumbled. “Hard as you can.” It was demanding and definitely made him the sap, but Jasper needed to feel pressure, strength behind an embrace that would ground him and make him feel real.
Logan blinked once at the demand, but then he did what he could, slipping his arm around Jasper to squeeze him tight. He didn't want to hurt his friend, but he wanted Jasper to at least feel it and know he was home and okay. It made him wonder if Jasper was allowing himself to be this vulnerable in front of his dad, or Jules. If anyone else really knew the shit Jasper was dealing with. If they did know, were they doing anything to help? Or was Jasper bottling it all up. That seemed to be the Lucas thing to do, so Logan was guessing his family probably didn't know just how bad things were. So Logan held onto Jasper, not saying anything and just letting the tv be the background noise for the moment. Jasper would move when he was ready to.
Part of Jasper wanted it to hurt, wanted Logan to squeeze him until he couldn’t breathe, like that might make the other pain go away, or become easier to handle. His emotions were up and down a lot these days, and sometimes it was difficult to smother it all when he had an audience. He didn’t want to Worry anybody or make them think he was crazy, especially his family, so he wasn’t letting anyone else really see this. He cried at night sometimes when it all got too overwhelming, alone in the basement, face buried in a pillow to muffle it all. Logan was safe though, Logan loved him no matter what, and Jasper was so tired. So he let himself be held and let himself cry a little into his best friend’s shoulder, hand fisted in the back of Logan’s shirt. He couldn’t have even said he was upset about anything in particular, it was just All Of It. It was Too Much. Eventually he pulled back to wipe at his face, but only a little. “Sorry,” he mumbled.
Logan didn't say a word until Jasper pulled away. He knew what it was like to feel overwhelmed by shit and considering what Jasper had gone through, it had to have been a lot. "Dude, you don't have to apologize for anything," Logan said, bringing his hand up to smooth it over Jasper's buzzed hair again. "This shit's hard and you're going through stuff. Cry as much as you need to." That was all Logan could really do to help. Be there and squeeze and reassure Jasper that it was okay. If he could do more, he would, but Logan had always been pretty crap at comfort and making people feel better. He'd throw weed at them and figure that would take care of the shitty emotions.
Maybe if Jasper had been told that same thing earlier in childhood he wouldn’t have turned out so fucked up. But maybe not. His entire family dynamic would’ve had to be different. It was good to hear now, though, and Jasper nodded a tiny bit, pressing in close to Logan again. He tried to think about doing this with Jules, how she might react, and his throat ached with a sad aversion to it. She would try to comfort him, of course, but it would make her feel even more guilty, and Jasper didn’t want that. The subconscious part of him that was programmed to believe that Real Men didn’t break down like this was also concerned that she would lose her attraction to him, see him as a weak baby if he cried too much in front of her. That was probably stupid, but he couldn’t help the fear. Jasper felt kind of drained now though, purged for the moment, just heavy and tired. He gave Logan a small squeeze. “You care if I sleep?” he asked.
Well aware of how Jasper had grown up, Logan felt like Jasper needed to hear that it was okay to be sad or upset or whatever it was he was feeling. Logan had grown out of the idea that men didn't cry once his parents divorced and he didn't have to deal with his dad's bullshit every day. Now he was comfortable with how he felt, for the most part, and if people thought he was a pussy because of it, who the hell cared? Smiling a bit as Jasper squeezed him, Logan shook his head. "Nah, sleep as long as you need to. I'll stay here if you want me to." He could smoke some more and watch whatever they were watching. When Jasper woke up they could get something to eat and just hang out some more. But Jasper did look tired and maybe a few hours of sleep would do him some good.
It probably said a lot about how comfortable Jasper was with his best friend that he didn’t feel any impulse to make a hasty exit out of embarrassment now that his emotions were settling down again. He was safe here, Logan wouldn’t judge him or be weird about it or tell anyone. Jasper could just be, and that was an incredible relief. “‘Kay,” he murmured. Jasper was sure he wouldn’t give a fuck where Logan went once he’d dozed off, but he did want him there until he fell asleep. It wouldn’t take long. He just clung to Logan for another moment, then pulled his head back. Jasper intended to roll over to his other side and tug Logan into spooning him for a while, but instead he pressed their lips together impulsively, another of those soft, chaste kisses that probably should feel wrong but didn’t.
Given they had more or less grown up together, Logan was glad Jasper felt comfortable enough to let go in front of him. His family was fucked up and maybe Jasper was fucked up too but at least he knew he had someone in his life who wasn't going to judge him for any of it. Logan definitely didn't mind the kiss either. It felt as natural as hugging to him and more often than not, felt better too. So he kissed Jasper back, happy enough to linger in it for a moment or two. Logan had always been someone eager to make everyone else around him feel good and if a kiss and sleep did that for Jasper, then that's what he could give him.
Jasper felt the desire to ramp things up, to kiss Logan with more passion and just let everything go how it went ... but his current weariness won out in the end. He knew on some level that it wasn’t a good idea in the first place. He had a lot to figure out, and everything needed to wait until he did. If he could. Jasper broke the kiss after a moment, just looked into Logan’s eyes for a beat, then shifted to roll over. He scooted and adjusted his way into being the little spoon, and dragged Logan’s arm around him. He needed to be held without question, so it felt perfect to settle into that position, Logan pressed against his back and ass and thighs. It felt safe. Jasper closed his eyes and let out a deep breath and allowed himself to relax.
It had been a while since Logan had physically slept with someone else in the same bed as him. Jasper might have been the last time, before he disappeared. But it felt nice and cozy and he was feeling relaxed too so he certainly didn't mind curling up behind Jasper until he fell asleep. It was tempting to nuzzle and kiss the back of his friend's neck, but Logan had enough clarity left to know this wasn't the place or time. So he simply held Jasper, burying his face against the back of Jasper's neck instead and breathing him in. Maybe he would end up falling asleep too and then they could both let go of reality for a little while.