Jasper Lucas (sinsoftheson) wrote in shadows_rpg, @ 2020-12-30 15:28:00 |
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Entry tags: | #june 2018, gavin, gavin x jasper, jasper |
Who: Jasper and Gavin
When: early afternoon, Friday, June 1st
Where: the house
Status: complete
Being back ‘home’ hadn’t just been one adjustment, it had been lots of them all rolled up together. Jasper wasn’t even sure how well he was doing at it all. Something felt weird inside of him, like it was still off-kilter, and even a couple of weeks after his return, he still felt unsettled. Maybe it would take a lot longer than that to feel like himself again, or maybe he never would, he really wasn’t sure anymore. Did it matter how damaged he was if he was home? Would people start to notice? There were so many questions he couldn’t answer.
Elodie had stayed the night, but she was gone by midday when Jasper shuffled down into the basement to get a change of clothes. She was like a stray cat, that girl, though Jasper was happy to help keep a roof over her head sometimes. He’d spent the night on Amelia’s floor again, which probably was annoying for his sister, but if things went well, maybe he would have his own place soon. He wanted to talk to his dad about that. He wanted to talk to his dad about a few things, really. So after Jasper had taken a shower -- something he did every single day without fail now -- he went to find his old man. It was Friday so he would be at the bar later, and Jasper wanted to catch him before a night of work.
It was getting warmer and Gavin was in the yard, having a cigarette and letting the three dogs play. It had been a relief how quickly they'd all started getting along, especially with Max's fear of everything and they hadn't needed too much adjustment time. Which felt like more than Gavin could say for himself. He still fretted that this was too much for Charlie, that she'd eventually crack under the pressure of too many dogs and too many broken people under her roof. Even when he wasn't fretting about it he was somewhat mentally preparing to deal with it 'when' the time came. For now things were good though, both his kids were safe again and Charlie had a way of smiling at him that made all those fears go away, at least momentarily. Even having Elodie around sometimes was weirdly nice, he had saved her life during the fog and it was a nice reminder that he wasn't a complete waste of space.
When Jasper stepped outside, Gavin was lighting his second cigarette and he automatically offered the pack out to his son. Maybe he shouldn't be encouraging him to smoke and drink but he'd long since given up on being the good kind of parent with things like that. They just didn't feel at all important in the grand scheme of things.
Jasper had already done far worse than have a cigarette and a few beers, so it didn’t feel like anything scandalous to accept a smoke from his dad’s pack. He’d been stealing them for years anyway, before he started buying his own. He silently took the lighter as well and took his first puff, standing next to his dad and watching the dogs romp around for a moment. Gavin had seemed so much happier living with Charlie -- or maybe it was mostly because Jasper was back? -- but his dad’s happiness was always a subtle affair, in his experience. Jasper idly hoped that Charlie could tell too. He wet his lips and glanced briefly over at his dad, trying to decide where to start. “I, uh ... I talked to Jules,” he said after a moment. “I wanna thank you for what you did for her.”
It took Gavin a moment to piece together what exactly Jasper meant. His first thought was the barbecue and keeping in touch but no, the gravity in Jasper's voice sank in and after looking at him with a puzzled expression for about four seconds he quietly mouthed 'oh' and swallowed hard. She had told him about the abortion. Not that Gavin was going to go and blurt that out since maybe he was reading the situation wrong. "Well, she's like family now," he said a little hoarsely, trying to sound nonchalant about it, like it wasn't really a big deal even if it had been. "You treat her nice, you hear?" He glanced up again and gave Jasper a crooked smile. He wouldn't demand they stay together, obviously, but at this point it would probably be a little awkward if their relationship ended. Gavin would still talk to her, he would still care about her, they shared too much bonded grief even if Jasper was back now.
Treat her nice. For some reason that made Jasper want to laugh. He didn’t, but his lips did quirk upward as he moved to take a seat next to Gavin. It was good to hear that Jules was like family now, maybe that meant Gavin would be supportive of them moving in together. Jasper wasn’t sure yet if he was looking for support there, or some real advice. “I’ll do my best,” he muttered, settling into a comfortable slouch. He watched the dogs and smoked for another moment, unable to really articulate how much it meant to him that Gavin had helped Jules through the abortion, when he couldn’t be there. He’d thought about it a lot, and there were actually several feelings about it that he couldn’t articulate. “Did she tell you much about the guy she brought over?” he asked then, the second big thing that had been on his mind. “To the barbecue.”
Gavin shook his head and took another puff off his cigarette, flicking ashes at the flowerbed next to him. "Was pretty clear about him being just a friend," he muttered and it wasn't too hard to remember since they hadn't talked a whole lot about the guy and that was probably what Jasper was after. Gavin couldn't blame him if he was wary, his girl showing up with a guy like that? Gavin would be nervous too. "She said he was like her," he added with a little frown. "I don't know what she meant by that though. Do you?" He had wondered a few times if Ethan showing up had helped Jules do something to bring people back but the whole thing was such a big mystery to him, he barely understood what she'd done in the first place.
Jules had made sure to insist that Ethan was ‘just a friend’ to Jasper too, and he was doing his best to believe her in his heart. It wasn’t so much that he worried she was in love with the guy and was seconds away from breaking up with him ... he just wasn’t sure how there could not be feelings involved, with how close she said they were. Jules had been meeting and getting close to someone very important in her life while Jasper had been suffering in another dimension. It still just put a bad, twisty feeling in his stomach. “Yeah, I do,” he answered his dad, not sounding very enthused about it. “He’s like ... they can open portals together. With him around, it doesn’t hurt her like it did when she did it on her own. And she can control it better. Like she can choose where to open up to now. So he’s like ... important. To her, and what she can do.”
Gavin grunted softly and wrinkled his nose. Jasper had every right to hate the guy for that, it sounded bad, like something that might potentially bond two people together closer than anything else might. He'd never shared something like that with a person, the closest he'd come was having children with Ollie but he could imagine the kind of connection the two might share and he hated it. Too bad the kid wasn't a fag he thought and the it sounded so much like Joseph in his head it made him cringe a bit at himself. Homosexual, homo, gay, whatever. Good thing he wasn't saying these things out loud. "I'm sure she appreciates it not hurting but that's a weak-ass power if you ask me," he said instead, giving Jasper a crooked smile. "Like a psychic version of holding the door open for someone."
That observation startled a delighted laugh out of Jasper. He felt a crazy surge of love for his dad in his chest at that moment, it almost brought tears to his eyes. It hadn’t always felt like Gavin was on his side throughout Jasper’s life, but that was the kind of support he needed lately. At least it seemed like Gavin understood why Ethan’s presence got under his skin the way it did. “Yeah, for real,” he murmured, still grinning a bit. “He went with her to prom too. Ruby told me. Jules says he’s just a friend, but ... am I being stupid to believe her?” Jasper looked over at Gavin again, his gaze lingering this time. So much still felt confusing and disorienting, it was hard not to wonder if he had his head on straight anymore.
Gavin was not the best person to ask for advice on love and he knew it all too well so the question made him feel a little squirmy. He'd scored a point by putting Ethan down but that was easy, as easy as punching him in the face. Gavin had loved exactly two women romantically in his lifetime, the first completely certifiable and the second almost too perfect so what did he know? Nothing. Nothing at all. "I don't know," he muttered honestly, shaking his head a little and shushing softly at the dogs as they momentarily barreled over to them with and nearly bowled Jasper over. He flicked ash off his cigarette as they bounded away again, almost relieved for the short interval "If you choose to believe her then that's not stupid, I don't think. Sometimes you just gotta let your defenses down to get anywhere."
Was it possible Jules had feelings for Ethan? Gavin supposed he was a good looking guy, healthy and tall and he looked rich, supported her abilities and took her to prom when she was grieving the loss of her boyfriend. Of course it was possible Jules was completely smitten with him - hell maybe it was even likely - but if she had developed feelings then that meant she had a choice to make and Gavin didn't envy her for it. Jasper had every right to be jealous and afraid of losing her, Gavin wasn't so sure he wouldn't have decked the guy if he was in his son's place, but it was all complicated, wasn't it. Eternally fucking complicated. Did he even know if Jules loved Jasper? Was he confusing her guilt with love? Did Jasper even love Jules? She'd sent him away with her weird portal power, their whole relationship could be as damaged as Gavin's first marriage. "Do you want to be with her?" he asked after internally humming and hawing for a few long moments. "After everything?"
Jasper knew that Gavin wasn’t some love guru, considering his track record, but he’d been in love before, at least, and Jasper assumed he currently was, so maybe he knew something about matters of the heart. Besides, who else was there to ask? Jasper couldn’t talk to Caden about stuff like this, Logan had never had a serious relationship in his life, Ruby was just a kid like him, Aaron’s girlfriend had almost killed him ... maybe Aaron could relate the most, but he didn’t know Jasper as well as Gavin did. Gavin was his dad, after all. It was good to hear it wasn’t a stupidity driving him that he was totally blind to. Jasper took a couple of slow drags from his cigarette as he gave the questions proper thought. The only parts of him that hesitated were the ones that were afraid Jules would end up breaking his heart. “Yes,” he said, looking over to meet his dad’s eyes. “I love her. I was angry at her for a while, over there, but ... she did what she had to do.” He squinted out at the romping dogs for a beat. “Me and her talked about moving in together ... is that stupid?”
"Look who you're asking," Gavin murmured with a little smile. He'd been living with his wife and kid when he was far younger than Jasper was now and his son's girlfriend had so far proven to be a whole lot more responsible than Ollie ever would be. It wasn't fair to compare them though so he shook his head. "It's not stupid, Jasper. If you break up, you move out, you move somewhere else. You've been through hell and coming back... Everything is different. You can stay here as long as you want, I'll help you get a place if you want, I just want you to be okay. You and Amelia." His little smile returned. "And Jules. Is that what you want to do? You want to move in with her?" Her mom was going to flip the hell out over that, he didn't need to know the woman to know that, but he would help however he could.
The simple ‘if you break up, you move out’ solution was reassuring somehow. Jasper had had that thought already, of course, but hearing it from someone else made it easier to think about. Like maybe it wouldn’t be some life-ruining disaster if it didn’t go well. It might put Jules in a worse spot since her mom would possibly disown her ... but if she came back saying it was over between her and Jasper, maybe that would be a good enough olive branch. Or maybe he was overthinking the whole thing and trying to predict the future, something that the past four months should have shown him was fucking impossible. Did he want to move in with Jules? Yes. Maybe that was all he had to know. “I do, yeah,” Jasper answered with a little smile of his own. Then he was quick to add, “And I think Ruby’s dad is still gonna hire me at his shop, so I’ve got a job lined up. And I was gonna ask Ms. Harr-- Charlie about trying to get my GED and all. So I won’t just be like, bumming rent money from you.”
If Gavin knew that Jasper was afraid of Jules's mother disowning her daughter, he might have laughed. Joseph hadn't disowned him when he knocked Ollie up, but he had broken his arm and yet they'd kept in touch, dysfunctional or not that relationship had survived so to speak. Margaret Cooper seemed like the type of woman to talk big but not act on it, especially when it came to her own daughter. "These all sound good," he muttered. "But I'll help you as much as you need, Jasper. If everything else fails I could use some help at the bar, part time stuff." Jasper wasn't old enough to bartend but with Gavin's gimp arm he could use more help when Aaron and Caden weren't around. He'd make space if he had to. Of course he was sure Jasper would be happier working as a mechanic than doing little chores for his dad so he hoped Ruby's dad came through.
Jasper didn’t want to rely on his dad for everything -- or anything, honestly -- but he knew he wasn’t in much of a position to be totally independent yet. So he would take the help where he could get it, especially if it meant getting out on his own. Charlie had been wonderful and welcoming, and he had missed his family, but Jasper was feeling cramped, kind of penned in. It was a different sensation than the teenage restlessness he’d already experienced in life, like being in the other place had changed him. “I appreciate it,” he murmured, putting the cigarette to his lips again. At least Gavin hadn’t thought it was nuts to move in with his girlfriend so fast, having that support was kind of a load off his mind. “How, uh ... how’re you doing? With everything.” It sounded lame coming out of his mouth, but he still wanted to ask.
There was a lot going on with Gavin and none of it was something he'd ever talk about so he reached over to rub at the back of Jasper's head, still amazed at how short his hair was. "Things are good now," he told him and at least it wasn't a flat out lie this time. Things were good, it had been quiet in town for a long time now, he hadn't seen the creepy man in the bowler hat for months, Jasper was back and Amelia was doing well. That didn't mean the fear had gone away, it was a constant backdrop in Gavin's life to the point where he wasn't sure how he would function without it. He still felt at times like he should have bought his own house, like he was still living in Charlie's house and not 'their' house, like that made him somehow less of a man. There was a heaviness in his gut every time he thought about how Joseph would probably return soon since Jasper did and apparently he wasn't the only one who was back. There was the guilt in hoping that Joseph had died on the other side because it was a horrible thing to hope for even if it would be so much better for everyone involved. Joseph going missing had been good for Bridget and just the idea of him coming back was an oppressive force. But these were all internal things, life was good despite the turmoil within Gavin. Life was very good. "We might have a buyer for the house and then I can help you as much as you need, both you and Amelia."
The head rub made Jasper smile a bit, it was a little embarrassing how much he liked having people touch his buzzed head now, and he batted lightly at Gavin’s arm without meaning it. The dark voice in his brain that liked to make him feel bad wondered if Gavin would be so loving if he knew Jasper had murdered Joseph in cold blood. And then kept it a secret even when he was himself again. He just hoped that Caden’s instinct to keep it to themselves -- and Aaron, and Jules, and Roxy, and pretty much everyone but Gavin, really -- was a good one. He also hoped that the more time that passed, the easier it would be not to think about his grandfather’s mutilated face all the time. That the guilt would fade. Rational or not, it was still there. “Yeah? That’s good news,” he murmured, the little smile lingering on his face in spite of his inner thoughts. All in all, things were pretty good now. Jasper just wished he could feel that more. “And you and Charlie wanna stay here in this house, right?”
"That's the plan," Gavin replied. "For now at least." He felt good in this house, he felt good with Charlie and the dogs were getting along far better than he'd dared to hope so the only possible hangup was his misguided masculinity bullshit and the fear he was going to inevitably push her away and taint this like he did all things. Maybe part of his relief that Joseph had gone missing was that it felt like some of that toxicity had gone with him, like they could all maybe become better people now and start to heal without him. It was probably fairytale nonsense wishful thinking but a weight had been lifted and he was scared it would all come crashing down again.
In a very teenager way, Jasper was completely oblivious to his father’s fears and concerns. To him, Gavin was quietly confident in those decisions. Jasper just hoped that he wasn’t mourning Joseph too badly, hoping he would come back. He knew they didn’t have the best relationship, but neither did Jasper and Gavin, and he would have been beside himself if his dad was missing. The guilt was rising like bile in his throat again, and Jasper tried to focus on finishing the cigarette before he blurted out something stupid. He stubbed it out in the ashtray. “Well, hopefully I can be outta your way soon,” Jasper muttered. “I just hope Logan’s not pissed about me changing plans on him.”
Gavin couldn't speak for Logan but he could speak for himself and he reached for Jasper again, this time grasping the back of his neck with both affection and in a way he might grip an unruly puppy. "You're not in my way, Jasper," he muttered and it was important that Jasper knew that. Gavin sucked at this whole thing, the feelings and the apologizing, being a father in general, but this he could say with certainty, with enough force that hopefully it got through Jasper's thick skull. "You were never in my way." It might not be fully true, Jasper had been difficult as a kid, but like most things that was complicated, Gavin had hated him and loved him in ways he hadn't thought possible, Gavin might suck as a dad but Jasper was still His.
There he went making Jasper feel emotional again. He didn’t know if that had really been true for his whole life -- surely his teenage father had felt overwhelmed and resentful of the hellion toddler tearing around the house. Jasper knew he himself wouldn’t have done much better as a father, even though he had a few years now over fifteen year old Gavin. A fact that held new meaning now that he knew about Jules’s pregnancy. Lately he just felt out of place in Charlie’s house, which had already been a bit crowded with three humans and three dogs. It did him good to hear his dad say that, he just wasn’t sure how to respond to it. At least one person in the house didn’t see him as a burden, and Gavin happened to be the most important one to Jasper. He reached up to squeeze his dad’s forearm, not sure what to say in response. “M’gonna see what Logan’s up to,” he said finally, moving to stand up. “Catch you later, Dad.”
Gavin was already thinking about alternatives to renting a place. If the house sold he could put out for a deposit, a mortgage was cheaper than rent, though he knew renting came with less responsibility than being a home owner. He felt both relieved and disappointed when Jasper got up, relieved because he had nothing to say, really, but it was nice to have Jasper around, a reminder he was back and safe. "Good luck with him," he murmured. "I'm sure he'll understand." Of course Jasper might not talk to him about that now but the sentiment still stood. If he planned on living with Jules it was just a matter of time before he had to break the news. With no kids involved, Gavin knew this was mercurial at best, all these plans could change in a heart beat, all he could do was be there and make sure to break Jasper's fall if it all came crashing down. He could try to this time, to be there for him, he'd found out that being able to do that felt good.