James McCarthy (justbreezy) wrote in shadows_rpg, @ 2020-12-02 02:01:00 |
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Entry tags: | #may 2018, brianna, brianna x james, james |
Who: Brianna and James
When: Late morning, Mid-May
Where: Their home
It happened while she was soaking in the bath. Since coming “home”, Brianna had spent a lot of time in the bath. Despite being perfectly clean now, occasionally she still felt that grime and filth covering her body, and soaking in hot water with good smelling bubble bath was the only way for it to go away.
She had been doing just that, her head resting back against the tub, her eyes closed, when everything seemed to just click into place. There wasn’t much pain, just a dull ache in her temple as the memories came flooding back. Brianna had always assumed if her old life came back to it, it would tear through her mind like a freight train, bringing her to her knees. But that’s not what happened. Instead, it was almost like a sigh. One moment she was struggling to recall anything before the Other Place, and the next… she knew exactly what it was like growing up in Point Pleasant. The moment she met James, when she gave birth to her children… fire. Magic.
Brianna’s eyes snapped open and she pulled herself from the bath, dripping water all over the floor as she dried herself off hastily and grabbed her robe to pull over her body. Tying it tight around her waist, she left the bedroom and made her way down the hall to James’s study. Brianna didn’t bother knocking. She let herself in, seeking him out immediately with her gaze. When she found him, Brianna smiled, relief evident in her expression. “I remember.”
James had been smothering a whole lot of emotions lately, more than usual. He'd thought he was pretty good at that, raised by his father as he was, but it was proving to be more and more difficult with every hour that passed since Brianna came home. The first night had been torture, tossing and turning on the guest bed, eyeing the door in the dark in the faint hope that it might open and Brianna would be standing there, just the way she was standing here now. It felt like the emotional equivalent of dropping heavy weights in the gym after that last, torturous time he had to lift them, when his body was on the edge of giving up and it was only his stubbornness that kept him going. Just like that but without the loud metal clanking. He pushed away from the desk and was on his feet in a second, closing the distance between them and pulling her into a hug. "Thank God," he whispered and he didn't care if she was wet from the shower, she was back. This probably meant more fighting down the road but he'd honestly missed that too and right now he was just glad to have his wife fully home.
Along with all of the good came all of the bad, but Brianna was more than ready and willing to take it all. It had been jarring not knowing who she was and the people in this house had been virtual strangers to her, no matter how they were related. She knew that her time Over There wouldn't just disappear because she wanted it to, but she finally felt like she was fully home, that she could start to put it behind her. Brianna wrapped her arms around his neck, burying her face against his neck to breathe in his familiar scent. It felt so good to be in his arms again. "Are you all right?" Brianna pulled back and cupped his face to look him over. "I mean, really."
That was a damn good question and of course she had to put it in a way that made it harder to lie. It was James's nature to say he was fine, that everything was fine and under control but not today. He gave her a tired little smile as he reached up to run his fingers through her hair, finally able to touch her without worrying about spooking her and the familiar softness and the feel of her hands on his face made his throat feel tight. "I'll be okay now," he replied quietly, his smile turning a bit water. "I missed you. Life's been pretty stupid without you." She remembered and he couldn't imagine just how much she'd been through so he pulled himself together, furrowing his brows as he looked her over with just as much intensity. "Are you okay?"
"I missed you too," Brianna murmured. Her hands fell to his waist and she had to resist the urge to cling to him. Despite all of their issues, James was still the only person she wanted to come home to at the end of the day. That hadn't changed. She could recall now, how much she thought about him when she was gone, understanding she might never see him, or her children, again. Her fingers tightened on his waist. "I'm okay," she assured him. "As okay as I can be right now. I don't really know how to process what happened. I was afraid I had hurt you and the kids. It was torture. I'm so sorry."
"You were just in the wrong place at the wrong time," James told her because he obviously didn't put any of the blame on her. She'd gotten hurt, much like when Sebastian had been possessed it wasn't something she could fight off by herself. Even James and even the D'Onofrios were helpless in the face of whatever had taken everyone over. He was checking the air around her now out of habit, making sure she wouldn't be cold standing there in just her bathrobe, but then he remembered the fire that had awakened within her and realized he wouldn't have to keep doing that. "I let you down," he admitted. "Not just with your affliction but after you were gone. I dropped the ball."
It hadn't been wayward magic or a bad decision Brianna had made. She knew it had been whatever attacked her in the fog that morning that started everything. But she still wanted to ask for forgiveness, not only from James, but from Phee and Bash too. What would she have done if she had come back here and they had been hurt, or worse? James's words prompted Brianna to raise a brow curiously. "I don't think there was anything you could have done to help me, James. It felt like I was on a runaway train with no hope of jumping off. That's not your fault." Her gaze searched his. "What do you mean that you dropped the ball after I was gone?"
James hated admitting to his mistakes, especially when it was something he wasn't so sure he would do differently if he had the chance. He'd shut down after Brianna went missing, gone cold in most aspects of his life and he couldn't see how he could have just dismissed that and put on a brave face. "With the kids," he said quietly. "With this house, with everything." She would likely hear complaining about it from the kids anyway once they knew she was really back so maybe it was better he admit to it now. "I lost myself in work, that was the only thing I knew to do without you."
Brianna didn't move away from him but she tried to suss out exactly what he meant. "It's understandable that you were distracted, James. But you were here for them, weren't you?" She knew that his work often meant he had to leave town but she couldn't fathom James leaving Phee and Bash alone for that long, despite the fact that Bash was nearly an adult. She had thought about her family a lot while she had been gone and all she could hope was that they were a unit, getting by without her as well as they could.
James shook his head, dropping his gaze for a moment. "My mother was here," he muttered and while he loved his parents in his own way, there was a bitter note to the words. "Which was frustrating enough on its own." He sighed, squared his shoulders and looked at Brianna again. "I wasn't here. Not for a while. I guess Trip got that from me." As angry as James had been with him for not coming home, he understood it and maybe that made him angrier than he would have been otherwise. It was never easy to see his own flaws in his kids, rude reminders of his shortcomings.
Brianna's initial instinct was to grimace, because while she loved her mother-in-law in that way that she was supposed to, it irked her to know she had been here, in Brianna's house, taking care of Brianna's children. It was disappointing to hear that James hadn't stepped up and been there for Sebastian and Phee. What would it have become if Brianna had never come back at all? "They're your children, James." Brianna lowered her hands from his waist. "They're our children. How could you not stay here for them?"
"It wouldn't have made a difference," James sighed and he wasn't sure what he'd been hoping for, that she'd tell him it was okay, that she was back now, that none of it mattered. Of course she wouldn't, he had admitted it was a mistake and she was going to rub it in, it was her nature for better or worse. "I provided for them, that was all I could do at the time." They'd been angry and upset with him whether he stayed or not, being home had been a chore and he constantly felt like they blamed him for not doing enough so staying away had been easier. "It's not like I left them alone."
"You left them with your mother," Brianna pointed out, her brow arching. "They probably would have rather you left them alone." She was upset that he hadn't been around to provide some semblance of comfort but... was she surprised? James's way of dealing with unpleasantness was to run away from it. It was something she would have to talk to Phee and Sebastian about, to see how it had affected them, if it had at all. Maybe they had been happier with James gone. Brianna thought Sebastian might have felt better, but Phee? She was daddy's girl, after all. Sighing, Brianna lifted her hands to cup his face. She didn't want to be angry. She just wanted to be with her family. Maybe the annoyance would seep in again later, but not now. "I don't care right now, James. I don't. I missed you and I just want to get used to being back again."
James closed his eyes, let the guilt wash over him before pulling Brianna into a tight hug. She had every right to be angry, he just didn't want her to be. "I couldn't do this without you," he said quietly and that was the only time he would ever admit defeat. He'd been trying by the time she returned, he really had. He'd come home and sent his mother home but he didn't have a good hold on the reins anyway, the kids were doing whatever they wanted and trying to get control back felt like sand slipping through his fingers. Right now he didn't really care if he never got that control back, Brianna was home, they'd figure it out and they'd probably fight about it but holding her again was making it all seem insignificant.
It was strange to hear James admit he couldn't do something. He always prided himself on being in control of any situation and Brianna couldn't help but wonder if he hadn't wanted the extra responsibility, or if he had truly missed her to the point of not knowing how to function without her. For her own state of mind, Brianna opted to believe it was the latter. She held onto him for several quiet moments, keeping her eyes closed as she reveled in the feel of his arms wrapped tightly around her. "I'm sorry," she murmured finally. "For everything I did. I could have killed all of you."
There were plenty of things that had gone wrong in the last year that James could partially blame Brianna for and they'd fought plenty over all those things. The family curse, not teaching their kids magic, all the chaos that ensued. This however was something she couldn't have controlled in any way and James tsk'ed at her softly. "I'm not sure how you could have avoided being attacked and everything after that was equally out of your hands." He pulled back just enough to press a kiss to her temple and the smell of her shampoo nearly had him in tears again. He was pretty sure he hadn't felt this emotional since the birth of their first child but then this was something big he'd been trying to keep smothered for months. Even the joy at her return had to be carefully suppressed because of her amnesia so letting it bubble to the surface now was almost too much, at least for him. "And we all survived, we always do."
Brianna wanted to believe that. But she had felt herself changing on some level, hadn't she? She had known what she was doing and she had liked it. Of course she knew she had been infected with something, but it wasn't as though she had been possessed like Sebastian had been. The thought made her shiver and Brianna hugged James tightly. "We always do," she agreed in a murmur. Perhaps they had just been lucky up until now. Brianna had no idea what happened next. That place hadn't been normal. It had been filled with darkness and filth. The air... she had been breathing it in for months now. Was she healthy? Was there something festering inside of her? It chilled her to think of the possibility but Brianna couldn't bring herself to ask James to check. It would ruin the reunion and Brianna wanted to cling to this as long as she could. "I should get dressed," she said finally, burying her face against his neck, "and say hello to the children."
A selfish part of James wanted to keep her to himself for a little longer but the children were important too and he nodded. "Just prepare for them to freak out at you," he told her, huffing with soft amusement. "When they do let you go, come back to me. We have months of catching up to do." He pressed a kiss into her hair, reluctant to let her go first so she could cling to him for an hour if she chose to, there was no rush. "God it's good to have you back." It was barely a whisper, but then it was only meant for her ears so that was okay. He couldn't wait to fall asleep with her again, to actually feel and smell her in his bed, returned to him safe and sound.
"I'm prepared," Brianna said dryly, thinking of how hard it had been for Phee to hold back when Brianna first arrived back home. But she was eager to hug her children and for it not to feel strange. She felt like she ought to thank Greg as well, though Brianna was less in a hurry for that. James's words prompted Brianna to smile softly as she held him. She had spent so many nights in that place, alone, or with Miriam, wishing she was with James, feeling his arms around her exactly like this. They had their issues, but if they didn't truly love each other, they wouldn't have stayed together this long. "I'll be as quick as I can be," she promised, pressing a kiss to his jaw. "I love you."
He didn't let her go right away, pulling her back when she pulled away to press a soft kiss to her lips. "I love you," he said quietly, trying to imbue those three little words with all his love and how much he'd missed her. He was mentally preparing for her possibly needing more time to process everything but he was looking forward to sharing a bed with her again, even if that was as far as it went their first night together. He was used to sleeping without her but it felt so different when it was by choice, because of work. He couldn't imagine sleeping alone tonight, not now when she was fully back.
Brianna ran her hands through his hair, wondering when it was that they had last said those words with the amount of tenderness she heard in them now. She was well aware that things weren't perfect and they still had a lot to work through, but Brianna felt more confident that they would survive all of this. Her family had been the only thing Brianna had thought about while she had been gone and she wasn't going to give up on them now. "I'll be back," she said, giving him a small smile before finally pulling away.
James grumbled softly as she pulled away though it was mostly a playful sort of sulking, punctuated with a smile. "You better," he murmured before letting her go. He didn't expect her back too soon, she still had to get dressed and the kids would want to talk to her a while, so he figured he would finish up his work and if she was still not back by then, he'd go find her. It was a reassurance that she wasn't going out and hadn't left the house at all yet. He knew that would happen soon though and he knew he'd be on edge the whole damn time. This wasn't something they'd get over quickly but they could at least begin to heal now.