rageandruin (rageandruin) wrote in shadows_rpg, @ 2020-11-23 15:23:00 |
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Entry tags: | #may 2018, caden, caden x jasper, jasper |
Who: Caden and Jasper
When: Late morning - May
Where: Around
Status: Complete
Hearing that Jasper was back home was quite a shock. It had been nearly four months since his nephew went missing and Caden had come to accept that unlike Amelia, he wouldn’t be coming back. Joseph’s body was buried and Caden had done his best to wash his hands of it. Now, of course, there was the possibility that Jasper would tell Gavin what he had done. It would all come unraveling around the family and Caden and Aaron had tried hard to keep things together, ensuring Joseph was buried and keeping that secret between them.
There was also the matter of Jasper’s mental state. Was he still infected by whatever had been in the fog? According to Gavin, Jasper was himself again. But what did that mean? It wasn’t entirely a surprise when Jasper called him later the same day to ask to see him. They made plans to “hang out” the next morning, since Caden was due to work at the bar until the evening and Caden agreed to pick Jasper up from Charlie’s. As terrible as it was, Caden loaded his gun and kept it in the console of his truck between the front seats. Just in case. He was willing to believe Jasper was himself again, but after what he witnessed Jasper due to Joseph, Caden wasn’t going to take any chances.
Pulling up to Charlie’s, Caden used the horn a couple of times to let him know he had arrived.
As much as he’d wanted to spend the night with Jules, Jasper had ended up at Charlie’s house for the night. She had a half-finished basement that she generously offered to him as a home base, but Jasper hadn’t made any promises yet. Not wanting to sleep alone that first night, he’d bunked on the floor in Amelia’s room, the two of them keeping their fingers linked at the side of the bed until they fell asleep.
Before that, his conversation with Caden had been brief and felt weird. His uncle wasn’t expressive by nature, but Jasper could tell he was a little thrown off by talking to him. Jasper couldn’t blame him. Caden agreed to meet and talk though, and that was something. Jasper was up early and took another shower before getting dressed. They were his clothes, but they still felt foreign on him, like he’d outgrown them in some way that wasn’t really physical. In any case, he was ready and waiting when Caden pulled up, and Jasper squinted against the morning sunlight as he walked out of the house. Stomach tied up in nervous knots, he climbed into the passenger side of Caden’s truck and settled, glancing sideways over at his uncle.
Jasper had no idea what to expect. His dad and sister were thrilled he was home, but they didn’t know he was a murderer. Jules did now, and she forgave him, but that was Jules. She hadn’t been there, it hadn’t been her father he’d killed. Jasper knew Caden was no huge fan of Joseph Lucas, but ... still. That didn’t make it much better. He looked kind of guarded and his mouth was dry as he murmured a “hey.”
Jasper looked healthy enough. His hair was gone, but Caden didn't question it. All Caden could do, at least for the first few moments, was study Jasper, looking for any sign that his nephew was still being manipulated by... whatever the fuck it had been. "Hey," he said finally, shifting the truck into drive and pulling away from Charlie's house. "How you feeling?" It was probably a stupid question, but it would fill the silence until they got to the looming topic at hand. He had nowhere specific in mind to go, but he felt like he could use a coffee, so he figured he could hit the drive thru at Joyland. After that? They would see where the conversation led.
Jasper could feel Caden’s scrutiny like a physical touch on his skin. It was uncomfortable, but he couldn’t blame him, at the same time. He would’ve been wary of him too, if their positions were reversed. It was a small relief when Caden started driving. “M’okay,” Jasper told him, shifting a bit to slouch lower in the truck seat. Jasper glanced over at his uncle’s face, halfway searching for any signs of incredible trauma or vengeance or ... something, he didn’t know. He was just nervous to be there, but he knew this conversation had to happen. “Tired, and everything’s ... a little weird. But it’s nice to be clean and like, have somewhere to sleep, even if it’s my English teacher’s house.” He paused and wet his lips. “How’re you?”
Despite everything, the corners of Caden's lips quirked. "Better get used to not thinking of Charlie as your English teacher. She's probably as close to a stepmom as you're ever going to get without it being legal." That was fine by Caden. He'd come to like Charlie Harris fine. She made his brother more tolerable, at least, and she'd helped keep him from sinking into a dark hole again after Jasper disappeared. Pulling into Joyland's parking lot, Caden kept his focus on getting in line at the drive thru. Black coffee. Hopefully it was strong because he needed it. "I'm doing fine, Jasper. You want something to drink?"
‘Fine’ was always such a bullshit word, but Jasper didn’t think he was going to get much more of an answer at the moment. He couldn’t expect Caden to trust him, he supposed. Jasper didn’t comment on Charlie being his stepmom, not quite ready to wrap his head around that yet, in spite of how kind she’d been to him and how genuinely happy she seemed to have him home. With the murder of his grandfather hanging over his head, Jasper was trying to keep everyone’s happiness at arm’s length. It was all tenuous, it could change at any second. A lot of it depended on how this talk with Caden went. “Just uh ... iced coffee,” he murmured. “Lots of cream and sugar.”
Caden made their order, not speaking again until he had paid for the drinks, handing Jasper his iced coffee, and then driving away from the building. He took a sip, happy when the strong flavor burned his tongue. Since he had nowhere specific in mind, Caden began to just drive, more focus now on talking to Jasper. "Your dad doesn't know," he said finally. "No one does but me and Aaron. Your grandma's memory of that day is foggy at best. She knows he's gone though, dead probably. She doesn't remember what happened so I want to keep it that way." Caden looked over at his nephew before setting his coffee down in the cupholder. "I'm guessing you do too."
Jasper was fine with the continued quiet while Caden took care of their drinks, and he sipped from his straw once he had his cup in hand. The overwhelming sweetness was welcome, some small physical thing to focus on instead of how uncomfortable his stomach felt. Even though Caden was completely calm and seemingly collected, Jasper felt more and more like the monster he’d feared he was by the second. Guilty relief flooded him when Caden said Bridget didn’t know, and that lump in his throat that had become so familiar to him made itself known again. “Yeah,” he murmured slowly, his gaze aimed out the windshield of the truck. “I figured out Dad didn’t know pretty fast. I just told him I didn’t see grandpa over there. Did uh ... did Aaron help ... clean it up?” His stomach churned unhappily and Jasper picked at the label on the cup with one short thumbnail. “Does he hate me?” he asked, even quieter.
"Aaron helped, yeah. I couldn't do much for a while after you left." Caden wasn't trying to guilt-trip Jasper. He was just telling the truth. Jasper probably had his dad to coddle him for a while, but Caden didn't think Jasper really needed that. He needed to just face what he did and move on from it, assuming Jasper was really Jasper and not planning to hurt anyone else. "And no, Aaron doesn't hate you. If anything, he was shocked that it was you who did it and not me." Lighting a cigarette, Caden offered the pack to Jasper. It reminded him of when he drove Jasper to Joseph's the day it happened. "We all knew you weren't yourself. Your dad might even understand it, if you decided to tell him the truth. But I don't know if he'd understand me and Aaron covering it up. And your dad's been through enough shit lately so... between you and me, if you want to confess your sins and shit, go to church. Otherwise, I think you should just let your dad think Joseph died in whatever hell dimension you got sucked into."
Jasper didn’t feel guilted -- he wanted the truth. He deserved to hear it, even if it sucked and made him feel like shit. He’d murdered his grandfather, drained his uncle likely close to death, and his presence in that house had probably hurt his grandmother further too. Then left it all behind for others to clean up. He almost asked if Caden hated him, but he was kind of afraid of a blunt, honest answer, which were the only kind that Caden ever gave. Jasper accepted the pack of cigarettes and took one out to tuck between his lips. “Fuck church,” he muttered as he lit it and gave the pack back to Caden. Jasper cracked his window and exhaled his first drag in a long sigh. “I confessed to Jules, but it won’t go any farther than that. I don’t wanna hurt Dad any more, so ...” Jasper trailed off and shrugged one shoulder, his brow still furrowed. He was silent for a beat, then glanced over and added, “Why didn’t you tell him? Like right off the bat.”
Caden looked at Jasper, looking slightly confused before he answered the question. "Why would I do that? I didn't know what the fuck was wrong with you at the time. Your dad told us everything after you were gone. He was worried about Amelia, and you. I don't know if he could have handled me calling him up to tell him his son was a killer. And I knew something was up, because you weren't acting right. I don't know, Jasper. My gut told me to lie, so I lied. I wanted to protect your dad, and you. I know I'm an asshole, but family looks out for family." He took another drag from his cigarette. "Why'd you tell Jules? You told me you dumped her. You think you can trust her not to tell anyone?" There were other things Jasper told Caden that day, but they didn't feel relevant to mention yet.
The fact that Caden hadn’t known what was wrong at the time was exactly why Jasper asked him why. He also hadn’t known whether Jasper was on some killing spree and would take out the rest of the family or something. He’d disappeared not long after that, but if Caden didn’t know anything until after ... well, Jasper felt some twisted sort of gratitude that Caden’s instinct had just been to cover for him. Their family was so fucked up. “I had to tell somebody. I thought about it constantly over there. I thought ... I kinda thought I wouldn't even have a family left when I came back, before I saw Dad,” he admitted. “But I wasn’t myself when I dumped Jules either, so when I saw her again yesterday, it just ... I needed her. She won’t tell anyone.” Jasper was absolutely sure of that much.
Caden knew their family was fucked up. It had been fucked up long before Gavin knocked up Ollie in high school. Jasper and Amelia had been doomed from the start. But, Joseph excluded, they looked out for each other... when they weren’t fighting, anyway. Caden had known there was the possibility that Jasper could have left to kill others but he hadn’t been too worried about it once he’d known Gavin was at the hospital with Amelia. As he came to a red light near the harbor, Caden realized he still felt good. Awake. The last time he’d been around Jasper, he was sure he was going to pass out. Maybe Jasper was really back. Reaching for his coffee, Caden couldn’t quite contain his smirk. “You tell her you sucked someone’s cock too? Or was I the only one lucky enough to know that?” That was something else he sure as shit would never tell Gavin. He’d rather tell his brother Jasper bashed in their father’s face.
Jasper’s stomach dropped and he looked over at Caden abruptly -- he had forgotten that he’d told Caden that. Those last days were a bit hazy anyway, in between the traumas, and Joseph’s death had completely blotted out the brief conversation he’d had with Caden before everything went to shit. “Oh fuck,” he groaned. Jasper scrubbed his free hand over his face and leaned his shoulder against the door next to him. He very much remembered sucking Logan’s cock, just not that he’d talked about it. “I forgot I said that,” he muttered to Caden, heat in his cheeks. He didn’t want to admit that he hadn’t told Jules that yet, but it was probably obvious enough. It was probably fucked up that he felt more compelled to confess to a cold-blooded murder than fucking around with Logan, but it just was. Especially now that they were friends or whatever. He just got back, he didn’t want to upset Jules anymore. “That stays between us too, right?”
“I’m not telling anyone. You probably shouldn’t either.” Caden wasn’t entirely sure Gavin would know how to handle it. Whatever relationship Gavin and Jasper were building would likely crumble, or at least become awkward all over again. “It’s really none of my business.” And he didn’t really want to hear about it anyway. The light turned green and Caden began to drive again. “Is there anything you want to know about the last few months? Anything you wanna talk about? You know I won’t tell your dad anything you don’t want him to know.” For the last few months he thought his nephew was dead. Conflicted feelings about his father aside, Caden felt an instinctive pull to try and be better. Maybe that was Roxy’s influence.
He would honestly rather die than tell Gavin that he’d fooled around with any guy, much less his best friend -- who Gavin had watched grow up alongside Jasper. Logan was practically another Lucas kid. He was glad that Caden didn’t want to dwell on it, as Jasper was pretty certain he was as homophobic as the rest of the older generation of their family. He didn’t want to talk about it, even if that hadn’t been the case. There was still confusion swirling around in his head about it all, and Jasper wasn’t ready to try and untangle it yet. He sipped on his drink and smoked his cigarette and thought about Caden’s questions. “I dunno, man,” he murmured. “I just feel like I’ve been in Hell for four months. Everything was super shitty there, and I just ... kept waiting to die. I didn’t think I’d ever make it back. It’s kind of a mindfuck, nothing feels normal to me right now. ... what’d I miss, in the family? Besides everybody like, being sad over me and shit. Any news?”
Caden couldn't help but chuckle at the way Jasper worded it. Besides everybody being sad over me and shit. If only he had seen what a mess Gavin had been. "Well, the obvious being your dad moving in with Charlie. Aaron and Mila bought a house. She's pregnant." He glanced at Jasper. "They told us at a family dinner. Your girl came too with some guy." He had no idea what that had been about, too caught up in his problems with Roxy to give it much thought, but he had known Gavin was a bit unsure about the whole thing. "Things have been pretty quiet here in town to be honest with you. Some shitty weather but that's not unusual." Considering where they lived, Caden sometimes felt like the lack of weird, unexplainable shit was some kind of ominous calm before a really bad storm.
Jasper raised a brow at the news that Mila was pregnant, but he guessed it wasn’t that huge of a surprise. He hadn’t spent a ton of time with them before he disappeared, but they’d always seemed like they were happy together ... when Mila wasn’t missing, that was. Thinking about her made him kind of want to talk to her about her experience wherever she had been, see if they could compare notes or something. Another bit of what Caden said caught Jasper’s attention though, and he frowned a bit. “What guy?” he asked. It was strange that Jules had gone to a Lucas family dinner in the first place, but she’d brought a guy? “Not Logan? Was he a ginger?” Could it have been Sebastian?
Caden waited until he took another drink of his coffee before shrugging one shoulder. "Not Logan. Not a ginger. Some guy I didn't recognize. Brown hair, tall. I don't know. He talked to your dad more than anyone else. Don't think it was anything to worry about." He had been more concerned about Roxy to pay much attention, honestly. "You probably already know but Kat's back too. We've all been trying to make sure your grandma is okay."
Some tall brown-haired guy. Even if Caden said it wasn’t anything to worry about, part of Jasper was still worried about it. Maybe that was ridiculous, considering their circumstances, but ... damn. Jules definitely hadn’t told him anything about a guy. Would she be so callous as to take a new love interest to his dad’s house though? Jasper didn’t think so, but he was certainly going to ask her. He tried to shake it off for the moment. “Yeah, Dad told me she was,” he answered with a little nod. Jasper was quiet for a beat, then muttered, “It’s good. Grandma like, needs you all.” Jasper had no idea how he was going to face Bridget when the time came, but he would do his best to keep his own secrets and save her the pain of the truth. That was the goal, anyway. “Did you and Roxy get married yet?”
Caden wasn't so sure his mom needed him, but family was family. He and Kat hadn't been close either, it was still nice to have her back in town, mostly because she had a hell of a lot more patience with their mom than Caden generally did. Jasper's question prompted a soft snort from Caden as he glanced at his nephew. "We just got engaged on Christmas," he reminded Jasper. "It's only May. We've got plenty of time for that stuff. Besides, you were gone and..." His dad was dead. "Felt like too much shit to deal with to have some kind of wedding. Maybe soon though. I don't know."
Jasper had no concept of how long it took people to get married once they were engaged. But he supposed he ought to have guessed, since it took Caden and Roxy this long to get engaged in the first place. It was also hard to have a concept of just how long he’d actually been gone, it felt like a blink and an eternity at the same time, now that he was on this side of it. “Yeah,” he murmured, reading between the lines on that one. Being traumatized by witnessing your own father’s murder and then having to clean it up didn’t make for a good time to get married, he supposed. Jasper was silent for a minute, then glanced briefly over at his uncle again. “I know I wasn’t ... in control of myself, but ... I’m sorry about what happened. The whole thing was beyond fucked up, but I’m sorry you were there to see it and had to like ... take care of it.” The words were a bit halting as he struggled to express the depth of what he meant. Jasper hoped Caden understood.
It had been necessary to talk about it, to make sure they were on the same page. To make sure Jasper wouldn't feel the need to come clean to Gavin about Joseph. Beyond that, Caden didn't want to say much more. He didn't want to delve into how fucked up it had been, how sometimes he could still smell the stench of blood in his nostrils and hear that squelch under his boots when he'd had to walk through the blood soaking in the carpet. It reminded him of finding Aaron, stabbed and bleeding on Mila's kitchen floor. And it made Caden want to get a bottle of Jack and drink himself to unconsciousness. He understood what Jasper meant but he found it difficult to respond, mostly because he had no idea what to say. That's okay? Don't worry about it? He and Jasper would have that weighing on them for the rest of their lives. No words would make it go away. "Better me than anyone else," he muttered finally. "Your dad wouldn't have been able to handle it and Aaron..." Caden shook his head. "We got to just leave it in the past, Jasper."
Similarly, Jasper had no idea how to tell anyone how he truly felt about it either. Logan was probably the closest to understanding now, there to witness it all come back to Jasper and his subsequent breakdown. He didn’t want to get into it in-depth with Caden, didn’t want to describe how it had haunted him the entire time he’d been Over There, how he’d been sure he deserved the punishment of being trapped in that hellscape for forever. Joseph had been a rotten piece of shit, but that had been a bad way to die, and Caden hadn’t deserved to have to watch it happen. And then to clean it up and cover for Jasper? The whole thing was unbelievable and sad. That was their family history in a nutshell though, wasn’t it? And Caden was definitely right about what he’d said -- nobody else in the family could’ve endured it. Jasper didn’t want his uncle to make him feel better about it, he was sure that was impossible, he’d just needed to say he was sorry. Now that was done, and he should shut up about it forever. “Yeah,” he said softly again, his eyes trained out the window. Leave it in the past.
It was possible Jasper needed to talk about it, but Caden was probably the wrong person for that. He was no therapist and it wasn't like he was that great with his own emotions. All he could do was drink away the images and try to get over it. That was the Lucas way, after all. Maybe Joseph hadn't deserved to die. Maybe Caden hadn't deserved to watch it happen. But it had happened. There was nothing any of them could do about it. "I know you're going to feel guilty about it for a long time," Caden said finally. "But just remember that you weren't in your right mind... and if you hadn't been there, me and your grandma would probably be dead now. It's a shitty situation. But it could've been worse."
Jasper felt bad when Caden started talking again, like he should’ve changed the subject and re-directed them himself. He still wasn’t used to talking to many people at all, and he and Caden had never had a confessional-close sort of relationship. Jasper appreciated that he was trying though, when he was possibly the last person who should be comforting Jasper. He hadn’t thought about what might have happened if he hadn’t been there, so that was something else to consider. It was hard to think that it could’ve turned out any worse than it had, but he was glad that Caden and his grandmother weren’t dead. “It could’ve not happened at all,” he muttered. “But thanks.” He had more to say, questions about what Caden had done with Joseph’s body -- was he buried? Could Jasper go there? But now wasn’t the time. Maybe Caden wasn’t the person, either. Jasper sipped on his coffee and gazed out the window.
"Yeah, but it did happen," Caden said, maybe a bit sharper than he meant it to. "Nothing you do or say is going to change it. I know you weren't yourself. So does Aaron. And probably Jules, if you told her too. I can't make you accept it, or move past it, that's something you have to do on your own. A lot of shitty things happen in this town and it eventually fucks with everyone. You either gotta leave, stay and accept it or stay and let it destroy you. Those are your choices. It sucks, but it's the truth." He took another long drag from his cigarette before flicking it out the window.
A wall went up inside Jasper, quick and solid, and he felt his expression subtly shift into something even more blank. It didn’t have far to go in the first place, but still. He didn’t want Caden to see how his tone stung, along with the harsh truth that Jasper couldn’t change any of it. Everyone might have known that he hadn’t intended to do what he did, but he still knew how good it had felt at the time. He probably shouldn’t ever speak of it again. What had happened to and through him went far beyond a ‘shitty thing,’ but he wasn’t going to argue about the reality of living in Point Pleasant. Jasper would’ve taken being stalked by Black Eyed Kids every night of his life over being stuck where he’d been. He would’ve taken Caden’s place too, over all that isolation and hopelessness and guilt and constant fear. He felt more than fucked with, he felt violated and broken and half-evil and still mixed up. But he couldn’t say any of that, so he just said “yeah” again.
That was all Caden could really say. He wanted Jasper to be okay, but Caden wasn't sure any of them would ever be okay. Not really. Even if Caden couldn't forget what had happened, he needed to move on from it or he would end up worse off than he already was. Jasper would fuck himself up too and Joseph Lucas just wasn't worth it. Hopefully Jasper would see that for himself someday. "You want me to take you back to Charlie's?" Caden asked, picking up his coffee again. "Your girl's house? Logan's?" He couldn't really say home because he doubted Charlie's house was home to Jasper right now. And Jasper's home was up for sale.
Even that wasn’t really a simple question. Amelia was back at Charlie’s, but Jasper didn’t really want to be there. He wanted to see Jules, but didn’t want to risk running into her mom. Logan’s house was the safest place, and if his friend wasn’t home ... well, Jasper could just go for a walk. Maybe it was best for him to be alone for a while anyway, and it wasn’t like he hadn’t walked the length of Point Pleasant a dozen times before. He hadn’t even driven his car yet since he’d been back. It was funny how priorities shifted after something like what he’d been through. “Logan’s,” he answered Caden after a moment’s thought. He couldn’t remember if he’d told his uncle it had been Logan’s dick he’d sucked, but any assumptions Caden made were his own. Jasper couldn’t care about that shit. There was too much else to worry about. He just wanted to bum some weed from his friend and hopefully not feel awful for a while.
Caden nodded and headed in the direction of Jasper's friend's house. He didn't say anything until he had pulled into Logan's driveway. "I know I'm shit at this. Any of that stuff. But I'm glad you're home, Jasper." He would probably do better with talking to Logan, or his girl. Even Aaron. He probably needed comfort more than he did the truth, at least in the way Caden delivered it. "We all want you to be okay."
Jasper couldn’t really blame Caden for being shit at handling it. He didn’t know how anybody could not be shit at it, because it was just so huge and insane and horrible. Even for lifelong residents of Point Pleasant, it was a lot to deal with, and Caden wasn’t a comforting type by nature. Jasper didn’t want to be a problem or a burden on anyone, he just wanted to feel normal again. Be normal again. But that felt like it was a long way off. “Don’t worry about it,” he said as he reached for the door handle. “You don’t owe me anything. Especially you. I want you to be okay too.” Jasper opened his door and started to climb out. “Thanks for the ride and the coffee,” he said over his shoulder.
At this point in his life, Caden didn't think he would ever be okay. Despite what Roxy thought and wanted. Despite what he wanted. He nodded at Jasper but said nothing, waiting until Jasper had made it up to Logan's door before he put the truck in reverse to leave. He would need to talk to Aaron, tell him what Jasper remembered and make sure his brother knew how important it was to keep his mouth shut. Unless their old man crawled out of his grave and made an appearance at dinner, they would never have to speak about this shit again.