Jasper Lucas (sinsoftheson) wrote in shadows_rpg, @ 2020-11-23 14:08:00 |
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Entry tags: | #may 2018, jasper, jasper x jules, jules |
Who: Jasper and Jules
When: late afternoon, May 21st
Where: mostly Jules's car
Status: complete
It had been good to see his family. Jasper felt like there was a huge complicated knot inside of him, and every person he saw loosened it just a bit more. Logan, his father, then Amelia. They’d all been happy to see him, even if Logan had had the hardest job so far, getting him with no memories to start out with. The emotional catharsis of it all was kind of exhausting and invigorating at once. Amelia didn’t blame him for what he’d done to her, and hearing her say so had been an incredible relief. That was one major source of guilt down ... now for another.
Jasper was still hanging out at the Porch, not quite ready to go to his new “home” yet. Charlie was going to be there, and it felt strange to think about spending the night in his former English teacher’s house. The whole arrangement was probably a good thing for his dad and sister, but he wasn’t sure yet how he fit into all of that. He wasn’t sure how he fit into anything at all yet, and he didn’t think he would until he had a better handle on where he stood with everyone. Jules was a big part of that.
After he’d spent some time with Gavin and Amelia, he borrowed Gavin’s phone and stepped outside. It was a sunny day, and Jasper sat on the back steps and just let it beat down on him for a while. He was pretty sure he would never take the sun for granted again. Once he felt ready, he took a few deep breaths, found Jules’s number in the contacts, and hit that green button. He swallowed hard as it rang in his ear, his stomach a mess of nerves. What if she didn’t pick up? What if she didn’t recognize his voice? What if she was upset he was back? What if she hated him, what if she’d moved on already, what if, what if, what if.
With senior exams starting that week, Jules's schedule was all over the place. But it was the last week of school... forever... and she was having so many conflicting emotions about it. The last few months had felt like a constant blur to her, at least where school was concerned. But somehow she had made it through and next weekend she would be graduating. After that? She didn't know.
Since her exams that day finished up right before lunch, Jules was able to drive home. She had tentatively agreed to meet some friends at Moxie's later that night, but for the moment, she was on the back deck, lounging on one of the chairs, going through her college acceptance letters. Not that there were many of them. She just needed to figure out what she was going to do, if anything. When her phone began to buzz, she glanced over and saw Mr. Lucas's name on the screen.
It wasn't unusual for them to communicate though it was usually through texts. Mr. Lucas wasn't much of a talker. Since he was calling instead of sending a message, Jules felt a sliver of worry in her chest as she answered the phone and brought it up to her ear. "Hi, Mr. Lucas." The urge to ask what's wrong? was right there on the tip of her tongue, but she told herself there could be a simple, reasonable, non-scary reason for him calling.
It was so jarring to hear her voice again, richer and sweeter than it had been in his memory. It was even weirder to hear her call him ‘Mr. Lucas’ ... until Jasper remembered he was using Gavin’s phone. He swallowed again and cleared his throat a little, some distant part of him thinking he was probably more scared in this moment than he’d been the whole time he’d been over there. “Jules ... uh, hi. It’s me,” he said. At least he knew now that Logan had kept his word and hadn’t texted her. He felt dumb and awkward all of the sudden, biting back the urge to tell her his name, as if she might’ve forgotten who he was in the past few months.
She had been expecting Mr. Lucas's muttering on the other end so when a different voice sounded in her ear Jules's brows furrowed together in confusion. It's me. She nearly asked Me, who? but Jules already knew. She knew that voice as well as her own. Her gaze focused on a large tree in the backyard and she stared at it, her mind going blank, her throat constricting. Was this a joke? Was she dreaming? The pain in her thigh assured her that she wasn't and Jules looked down to see she had pinched herself where her summer dress had ridden up on her thigh when she sat up. Obviously she knew this could be a possibility. Bash's mom had come home, after all. But Jules hadn't allowed herself to wish for this.
"Jasper?" Her throat felt dry all of the sudden and she cleared it, wanting to hear his voice again.
That pause seemed to take forever, even if it couldn’t have been even a full minute or two. Jasper half expected her to just hang up on him. But then there was his name, in Jules’s voice, and Jasper’s chest hurt with the struggle to control himself. He did not want to cry again today, for fuck’s sake. He swallowed hard again. “Yeah,” he murmured, wishing he had swiped some of his dad’s cigarettes to bring out with him. Instead Jasper started to twist the string in the hood of his jacket around his free fingers, over and over again. “It’s me.” Fuck, he’d already said that, hadn’t he? He sounded like such an idiot already. “I’m home. I don’t ... really know how, but ... I’m back. And not ... like I was. I’m really back.”
Not like he was. Jules knew what he meant by that and she wondered briefly if he was telling her the truth. Maybe he wasn't himself again. Maybe he was the same Jasper who tried to pull her into that place. Maybe he hurt his dad and sister and that was why he had his dad's phone. Maybe he was trying to convince her he was normal again so she would let her guard down and he could hurt her for putting him in that place. Jules could feel her heart thumping madly in her chest and she had clutched the fabric of her dress in one hand as prickles of anxiety seemed to spread throughout her entire body. But then she forced herself to breathe and think. Bash's mom was back and she was okay. She wasn't like she was before either. And Jasper sounded... so much like Jasper. "Are you..." Jules paused, not entirely sure where her mind was going with questions right now. "Are you okay?"
What a laughable fucking question, though Jasper didn’t blame her for it at all. He would’ve asked the same thing. He let out a soft huff through his nose and pulled the hood up over his head and the phone, as if he could hide inside of it for a while. He couldn’t figure out her tone yet. She’d only said six words so far, of course, but he still felt lost and afraid of how she was reacting to him. “I’m alive,” he answered softly, his throat still thick. “And still got all my parts. Glad to be home. But ‘okay’ is ... probably not yet.” Would he ever be? Jasper didn’t know. He knew that all of the excitement and joy of returning home would fade and give him time and room to really start to process everything he’d been through, and he wasn’t looking forward to any of that. He scraped his teeth over his bottom lip. “I wanted to call instead’a just showing up, just uh, in case you ... didn’t wanna see me.”
He was alive. With all his parts. Jules felt her eyes burning and when she remembered she was alone, she let the tears fall, though she tried desperately to keep the emotion from choking up her voice too much. What would she have done if he had showed up? Probably fainted. Or thought she was dreaming. It was baffling to her that he thought she might not want to see him though. She had been fantasizing about this one moment for months. It would be too hard to explain to him how fucked up she had felt since he had been gone. If anything, Jules had been convinced that if he ever found his way home, he wouldn't want to see her. Whatever he had went through, it was her fault. "I do want to see you," Jules managed, wiping her eyes with the palm of her hand. "I mean, do you want to see me?"
For a split second, Jasper wanted to say no. But that was the scared part of him that didn’t want to see anybody but the people he’d already seen. What if Jules was afraid of him? What if she was just too scarred from how he’d behaved when he’d been crazy? He’d gotten a little violent with her at that party, he remembered that all too well, and then he’d tried to drag her into the portal with them ... What if she couldn’t love him anymore? What if he couldn’t love her anymore? That was almost worse. Could he face that? He had to, he knew that. Most of him wasn’t scared, it was dying to see her again and touch her hair. Smell her and feel her against him. It had been hard to hold her in his mind as a reason to keep going Over There, considering their last few seconds together, but that hadn’t stopped Jules from occupying his dreams. Jasper didn’t let himself hesitate long before he answered. “I really, really do,” he murmured, his voice rough with emotion. “Can, uh ... can you come pick me up? I’m at The Porch, with my dad. I don’t have a car or a phone or anything anymore.” If she couldn’t, he would find a way to her, even if it was walking up to Overlook, but Jasper hoped she wouldn’t mind.
Hearing he wanted to see her made something unclench in her chest, like she had been sure he would say no and that would be that. The last two times they had seen each other it had been awful, even though she knew that hadn't really been Jasper, but something terrible influencing him. Jules had no idea how she would feel seeing him, or how he would feel seeing her. All she knew was that she wanted to see him and see for himself that he was really alive, and really back, and that he would be okay. At least physically. More than anything, she wanted to touch him. Hug him for a few minutes, or forever, if he would let her. When he asked her to pick him up, Jules nodded, then realized he couldn't see her. Her throat was burning now from the effort to keep from crying. "Yeah, I can come get you," she said shakily. Jules nearly asked what happened to his car, but that could wait. "Um, give me ten minutes? I'm home so it shouldn't take me too long."
All the signs that she was just as emotional as he was were there in her voice, Jasper could hear them. He just wasn’t positive if they were good emotions or bad ones. Though he supposed she wouldn’t be coming to get him if she didn’t forgive him at all. “Sure,” he said easily enough. “I’ll be out front. ... see you soon.” Jasper waited for her to say goodbye, then hung up. He took a few deep breaths, then made himself stand and go back inside. He returned Gavin’s phone to him and told him and Amelia that Jules was coming to get him so they could talk. He promised to get back in touch with them later that evening and hugged both of them tight. They didn’t really want to let him go off alone, he could tell, but he and Jules needed privacy, and they knew that. When it had almost been ten minutes, Jasper stole a couple of cigarettes and went out front to wait like he’d promised, his hands tucked into the front pocket of the hoodie he’d borrowed from Logan. It wasn’t cold out at all, but he still found it comfortable, kind of like a security blanket.
As soon as she hung up, Jules gathered her things with shaking hands and ran inside, dumping the papers on the kitchen island and then rushing to the front door, grabbing her keys on the way. Had this been anyone else, under any other circumstance, she would have gone upstairs to redo her makeup and check her hair. But that all felt so frivolous now, with Jasper alive and waiting for her.
She was on the road within minutes, driving towards Mr. Lucas’s bar, her hands clutching the steering wheel. Her entire body was tense, butterflies dancing wildly in her stomach. She wanted to cry. The urge kept welling up, making her throat hurt more and her face burn. But she held it back, not wanting to be sobbing when she pulled up to the bar. How was this happening? Was it real? God, she was afraid she would get to the bar and realize she had hallucinated the entire phone call.
But when she came down the street she could see Jasper standing there in a hoodie, a cigarette in his hand. His hair was gone, buzzed. It was a jarring thing to see but she was too overwhelmed by the sight of him to focus too long on one thing. Before she knew it she had pulled up to the curb, thrown her car into park and then pushed open the car door. She didn’t bother shutting the car off or shutting the door as she moved to Jasper. There was no thought behind it. Nothing but instinct to get to him and when she did she threw her arms around him, burying her face against him as it finally sunk in that he was real.
Jasper had taken another step toward the curb and flicked the end of his cigarette away as Jules pulled up. He had expected to go around to the passenger side to climb in, but Jules came out instead, like a blonde bullet. His heart leapt into his throat, further riling up the nerves that had already filled his stomach while he was waiting. The impact knocked an ‘oof’ out of him and he fell back a step, but Jasper’s arms immediately wrapped tight around Jules. She felt smaller than he remembered her somehow, and he wondered if she’d lost weight or if his memory was just weird. The hard lump in his throat got even more painful as he held onto her and rested his cheek against her hair. She smelled incredible. This was the right call on her part, it was way better than trying to hug in the car.
There hadn’t been any rational thought but to hold onto him. Breathe him in, enjoy the feel of his arms around her again. It was a sensation she had tried to cling to while he had been gone. The way it made her feel. Jules knew how things had been before that horrible night but it felt so far away now that he was standing there, alive. She wasn’t naive to think none of that affected him, or them, but for now she needed this.
Jules stood clinging to him for several moments, trying to swallow down the overwhelming emotion before she finally pulled back, her arms still wrapped around him. “You’re really here,” she murmured, feeling shaky as she searched his face, like she needed to memorize it all over again. They would probably have to go somewhere if they wanted to talk but Jules couldn’t bring herself to let him go just yet.
Jasper hadn’t dared to cling to much Over There. He’d been pretty sure he was going to die eventually in that filthy hellscape, and even if he didn’t, he didn’t think he would ever get to hold Jules in his arms again. Reuniting with his family had been emotional enough, this felt on some completely different level. Gavin had said that Jules was okay, that she was strong and he should call her, but that wasn’t exactly a confirmation of forgiveness. Neither was this hug, but it felt like a step in the right direction. Jasper looked down at her when she pulled back, his eyes a little watery. He nodded a bit and murmured a “yeah.” For better or worse, he was really there. He tried to give her a smile, but it came off wobbly. Jasper brought one hand around to cup the side of her face. “M’so sorry, Jules,” he whispered.
Jules swallowed, but shook her head. She didn’t need an apology. She knew Jasper hadn’t been himself. Jules certainly felt like the blame for so much of this fell on her shoulders. Mr. Lucas had told her not to blame herself, but it had been hard not to. Not only because of losing Jasper, but Carson too, and everyone else who meant something to someone. She sometimes wondered if Nic and Neil walked around with the same amount of guilt that she did.
“Let’s go somewhere and talk,” Jules said, reaching down to take his hand and lead him back to her car. “We don’t have to go far or anything.” Jasper might want to stay close to his family, after all. But god, she really wanted to spend some time with him. They had so much to talk about but at the same time Jules didn’t want to overwhelm him. She just wanted to hear him talk and know he was going to be okay.
Jasper linked his fingers with hers and followed along. “We can go anywhere you want,” he said quietly. Now that he knew she wasn’t going to completely flip out at him or anything, he was sure Jules would deliver him back to the bar or Charlie’s house or whatever later on. They did have a lot to discuss, enough that he had no idea where to really start. Jasper climbed into the passenger seat of Jules’s car, glancing around the interior with a sense of surreality. He definitely hadn’t expected to ever be sitting there again. He sniffed a bit as she got in too, and wiped at his eyes with the cuff of his -- Logan’s, technically -- hoodie.
Since the days were getting longer, and warmer, Jules took a breath and considered the beach for a brief moment before dismissing the idea. Senior exams meant she wasn't the only one with a shortened day and there were bound to be some people they knew there. Jules wanted privacy and she knew Jasper wouldn't want to deal with a crowd, even a small one. Still feeling relatively shaky over having Jasper there, in the flesh, Jules drove away from the Porch, her mind blank as to where to go. Instinct seemed to take over and she found herself driving towards the lighthouse. It wasn't open yet so no one would be there unless it was someone using the stairs to exercise. They could park and talk and be left alone.
"What happened to your car?" Jules asked finally, her voice cutting through the silence. She wanted to keep looking at him, but that would make driving dangerous, so she glanced when she could, her heart leaping in her throat every time she did. "You said you didn't have it anymore?" Mr. Lucas wouldn't have sold it, she knew that much. Hopefully it hadn't been wrecked or anything like that.
He’d gotten a little distracted with looking at the town as Jules drove them wherever she was going. Jasper hadn’t wandered the downtown area much Over There, it was treacherous to go anywhere, and he’d learned pretty quickly that there was nothing useful to find. Just rot on top of rot. The streets and buildings looked so different to him now, almost like they were too clean and bright, like a movie set. Not quite real. Jules’s question brought him back to the present, and Jasper looked over at her again, one brow quirking a bit. “Oh,” he said after a beat, and gave a soft huff. “Nothing happened to it, Amelia’s just been driving it. I didn’t wanna strand her at the bar. I don’t really have anything anymore, these are even Logan’s clothes.” Jasper plucked at the hoodie and jogging pants he’d borrowed from his friend. “I dunno yet what they did with all my stuff when they moved.” Jasper wondered if it was all boxed up somewhere or donated to a thrift store or what.
"Oh." Well, that was a relief. Jules hated to think she had brought it back to Gavin only for him to sell it. They all knew what the car meant to Jasper. Jules glanced down at Jasper's clothes, brow knitted in confusion for a brief moment. Ultimately it didn't really bother her that Jasper had called Logan first. He obviously needed clothes and he and Logan had been best friends longer than Jasper and Jules had been a thing. She was just glad he was back and she was sure Logan was ecstatic too. "I'm sure they still have your things," Jules murmured as her eyes shifted back to the road. "There's no way your dad would have gotten rid of anything. I think he was hoping you would come back, like Amelia did." Falling silent, Jules swallowed again. She knew how difficult Jasper's relationship had been with his dad, but Gavin had been devastated when Jasper was gone. "He missed you a lot," she said thickly. "Everyone did."
Even if his family had thrown all his junk into Charlie’s attic or given it away, Jasper didn’t really care about the physical stuff. He would probably end up tossing a lot of it himself. He was just still wrapping his head around the idea that he didn’t have a room of his own to come home to, that he would have to figure out his place in Charlie Harris’s house, how he fit back into the family dynamic. He didn’t blame Gavin for moving, it just felt weird at the moment. But a lot of things did. Maybe it would be easy. Jasper would find out, he supposed. Jules’s tone made him look over at her profile again, and the obvious emotion there. He wanted to reach over to put his hand on her thigh, but he wasn’t sure if that was quite welcome yet, so he just briefly touched her arm instead. “I missed everyone a lot too,” he murmured. “More than I can say.” He’d had a lot of feelings about her especially, but Jasper didn’t even know where to start with all that yet.
It was difficult not to reach up and clutch his hand when he touched her arm. She had been dreaming of touching him again for so long. She wasn't quite sure where the boundaries were though, so her fingers tightened on the steering wheel instead. "What did Logan say when you called him?" Jules asked. She needed to fill the silence or she would start crying again. More than anything, she just wanted him to keep talking so she could hear his voice and know this was real and not some kind of mental breakdown she was having.
Jasper had spent a long time not talking to anyone much, besides Elodie sometimes, and it was proving hard to get back into the habit. Especially when there was so much in the air between them that seemed impossible to talk about. His brow furrowed with a bit of confusion for a second, then he realized he hadn’t told her the circumstances of his return yet. “Oh uh, I didn’t call him,” he clarified, then gave a low chuckle. “It was really fucking weird, actually -- I don’t know how it happened, but I woke up in Logan’s living room. Like, I went to sleep over there, and then suddenly I’m back here. I didn’t know who I was, or who he was, or what the fuck was going on for almost a full day. Just ... almost a total blank, it was crazy. But then it all started to come back, and he answered a lot of questions and brought me to Dad a couple hours ago.”
The not remembering bit made sense in a way, since she knew from Bash that his mom had memory issues when she reappeared. It was weird that Jasper had woken up in Logan's house though, of all places. Who or what brought him back? Why Logan's? Because that's where he last remembered being? It was so strange and something she thought maybe she ought to ask Dr. Wilkes about. Maybe they knew something. "I'm glad you were with someone who knew you," Jules said. She wondered if she ought to tell him that she and Logan had become friends since he'd been gone. But Logan might have already told him that. She didn't know. It occurred to her that Logan had been with Jasper for a full day before today and hadn't called her. Maybe Jasper hadn't wanted him to? Or Logan hadn't wanted Jules to know Jasper's memory was wonky. Jules knew there had to be a reason, but it didn't feel important right then. Jasper knew who she was now. Jules drove up to the small parking lot beside the lighthouse stairs, facing out over the ocean. She parked and cut the engine, realizing now that she had nothing to focus on but Jasper. There were so many things to say and she had no idea where to even start. So Jules glanced at him, dropping her hands to her lap. "I'm so sorry, Jasper. We didn't want to trap you over there. That hadn't been the plan. I fucked it all up."
As weird as it had been, Jasper was grateful that he’d ended up with someone who knew him too. He couldn’t imagine being alone and lost with no idea of who he was. As they parked, he leaned forward to look up at the lighthouse and then sat back again to gaze out into the ocean. For a second between blinks, it looked black and swirling and terrifying, but then it was normal again. Jasper got a little chill and shifted in his seat, turning his head to focus on Jules. Her words made his chest hurt and he frowned a bit, silent and still for a moment before he reached over to take her hand. “You didn’t fuck anything up,” he told her softly. “You did what you had to do. At that point it was you or us, and I don’t blame you, okay?” That night was still sort of jumbled in his head, a swirling mix of rage and a feeling of crazy purpose and confusion. None of it had been rational or reasonable, and he wasn’t sure what she’d been planning to do, but he knew it had come down to lock them away or be killed, and Jasper was intensely grateful that she hadn’t let them overrun the four of them trying to stop them. “You saved a whole lot of people,” he murmured, his grandfather’s crushed face flashing though his mind again.
Jules curled her fingers around his hand, afraid he might pull it away. It was impossible not to remember how angry he had been after the winter formal. How he had been sure she was plotting against him. Jules knew that hadn't been Jasper but he hadn't been wrong, had he? There hadn't been any malicious intent on her part, but she had been working with Carson and the others to fix everything. And she had hurt people in the process. Jules lifted her gaze from their joined hands to Jasper's face, trying to work the words through her dry throat. "Yeah, but I lost you," she pointed out, her voice cracking. She didn't want to cry again and she squeezed his hand, like she could somehow redirect her emotion. Swallowing hard, Jules found she had to ask. "Was it awful? How did you survive over there this long?"
Jasper could see how close she was to crying as well as he could hear it, and it made his throat ache. Over the past few months, he’d been through a few periods of overthinking where he did blame her for putting him there, but Jasper had worked through all that anger on his own. Now that he was back home and sitting here with his girlfriend’s slim hand in his, looking at her big, tired blue eyes starting to get watery, all he could feel was love and regret. Jasper returned her squeeze, his brow furrowing a bit. He wanted to tell her about it all, but somehow those sounded like self-punishing questions. “I got smart about moving around, navigating and hiding,” he said, his tone a bit reluctant. “I got used to being filthy. I was pretty lucky. Other than that ... we didn’t have to eat or drink, I dunno how it worked, but that was a big part of it.” Jasper didn’t want to get too deep into the specifics of how awful it truly was, at least not yet.
No eating or drinking. How was that possible? Then again, in the last few months, Jules had learned that what they thought was impossible really wasn't. Her brows drew together curiously as she studied him. It felt like he was keeping the details to himself and a part of her couldn't blame him for that. He had just gotten home... she couldn't blame him for not wanting to relive that place. Jules wanted to know... she wanted him to be able to talk to her about it... but it was such a complicated situation and she wasn't sure she would be able to handle the piercing guilt that would no doubt follow. Maybe he didn't blame her, but she still blamed herself. "I'm so happy you're okay. And I'm so sorry I couldn't help you," she whispered. "I'm not looking for you to reassure me, or make me feel better about it either. I'm just... really sorry. About everything."
He wanted to be able to talk about it with her too, especially if they were going to continue their relationship. That still felt up in the air, but Jasper was sure he loved her. It just wasn’t going to be an easy road, coming back from what they’d both been through. He could be realistic about that. He’d had so much time to think over there, and he’d mostly thought about Jules. “I know you are,” he said softly, after a quiet few heartbeats. His natural impulse was to try to make her feel better about it, but maybe this was just something they had to acknowledge. They just had to let it be until it healed. “I’m sorry too,” he murmured. “Infected or not, yeah maybe it’s not my fault, but ... I’m so sorry I hurt you. I didn’t want any of that to happen, not really.”
"I know you didn't," Jules said. "I know that wasn't really you." And it had hurt considerably to think that he was gone in some awful place, believing that she had planned it all... had wanted to hurt him. Maybe they both needed to accept their blame and work on forgiveness. Neither of them had wanted any of this to happen and in a way, she felt like they had both been too young to really know how to fix any of it. The adults in their lives had been as lost as they had been. Jules smoothed her thumb over his knuckle, trying not to think about the fact that he had been gone for months... and maybe it was possible he simply didn't love her anymore. She was too afraid to ask him, too afraid to wonder out loud where this left them. She had just gotten him back, Jules didn't think she could handle losing him again so soon. "What comes next?" Jules murmured, lifting her eyes from their joined hands to his face. "I'm guessing by now you know your dad is living with Ms. Harris... do you need to go to the hospital or anything? Have you been looked at?"
Jasper knew they would get to the point of discussing their relationship eventually, he just didn’t feel ready for that either. He’d had a rollercoaster three months -- four months? His sense of time still wasn’t straight -- and he’d gone through all kinds of emotional turmoil over Jules. Jasper just wanted to rest now and let himself re-calibrate to the real world. He just hoped she would give him room to do that without pressuring him for a bunch of decisions about Them. He wasn’t sure he could’ve done that in her position, but Jules had always had more self control than he did. Jasper shook his head a bit. “I’ve only been to Logan’s and the bar so far,” he told her. “I don’t feel like I need a hospital, now that I’ve eaten and showered and everything. But yeah, I know they moved. Guess I’m ... staying with them for a while. Dad said he would help me get my own place if I wanted it, but ... I dunno yet.” Jasper eyed her for a beat. “Did you make any plans? For like, after graduation?” If it was May, that was coming soon, and he wasn’t sure how he would handle it if Jules planned to move away to college in a couple of months.
Jules wondered if anything had followed Jasper back. If he could still be infected by... something. He looked healthy enough. He sounded normal enough. But Jules had seen enough in the last few months to know that something could still be lingering underneath all of it. It was something of a relief to hear he would be staying with his dad and Ms. Harris for a while. If something went wrong, Mr. Lucas would contact her, right? She would know. And maybe if Jasper ended up getting a place with Logan like he had wanted, Logan could keep her updated too. Jules realized she was already making plans for other people to keep an eye on him, like she knew he might want space, or... something else. She didn't know. His questions prompted a soft huff from her lips as she looked away, towards the ocean. She'd had so many plans for after graduation, most of which involved Jasper. After he left... she had barely been able to figure out the next day, let alone college and everything else. But it was too hard to explain that to him. She didn't want him feeling guilty or responsible for her inner collapse. "Um... no. Not really," she explained finally. "I don't plan on going anywhere. I'm going to get a job for the summer, but... that's pretty much all I've figured out." Mostly to pay back his dad. Jules knew he wouldn't want any money from her, but she had promised Mr. Lucas she would pay him back, so she wanted to at least try to give him something.
It might have been difficult for Jules to explain how all of her plans had dissolved, but Jasper sort of got that sense anyway. They hadn’t laid down many solid plans for after graduation, since that had seemed far off back in January, but both of them had wanted to stay together, to figure something out that kept the two of them centered in their lives. Jasper felt both bad and comforted that Jules didn’t know what she was doing now. Jules deserved to have a good life where she got to pursue her dreams ... but he was also kind of happy that she hadn’t moved on without him. Maybe they could find the path forward together and help each other out. He wondered vaguely if Mr. Fox would still hire him at the garage, or if he could start working at the bar or something. He nodded a little, quietly thoughtful as he gazed at their still-linked hands, then gave her fingers a squeeze and tilted his head in a side-nod. “Come get in the back with me,” he murmured. “I want more room.” Jasper wanted to hold her -- they’d always been better at non-verbal communication than anything else anyway -- and the center console was in the way up front.
Jules wasn't entirely sure what her life was going to be now. Things had taken quite a sharp turn when she started having shared dreams, and now college just seemed silly. Pointless, in a way. There was so much more she could be doing. She certainly had no plans to leave now, not with Jasper home. The suggestion to move to the back made Jules smile softly and she nodded. She wanted to get closer and have his arms around her again. If they hadn't needed to talk with some privacy, she would have probably still been clinging to him in front of the bar. Letting go of his hand, Jules unbuckled her seat belt and climbed carefully into the back of the car. She could have gotten out and used the door, but this was easier. And sort of reminded her of the times last summer when they would sneak to a quiet street and climb into the back of his car to make out.
Jasper leaned out of the way a bit, a faint smile crossing his face as he watched Jules climb into the back. He was tempted to smack her ass as it passed by his face, the pull of instinct or muscle memory or whatever in his hand. How many times had he had that lovely view right before they’d started necking in the back of his car? Or straight up fucking. Jasper realized in a dim way that he hadn’t had an orgasm since before he’d gone into the portal. The fact that it hadn’t been with Jules threatened to make him feel awkward all of the sudden, so he pushed it away. He hadn’t been himself. Bigger-framed than Jules, Jasper used the car doors instead of climbing, squinting against the sunlight in the brief time he was outside. He settled into the back, slouching into the corner of the door and the seat, and pulled Jules in against him. Words still weren’t his strong suit, and he really wanted her to know he still cared about her.
Jules sunk against his chest, getting her legs comfortable before her arm slipped over his stomach. She could hear his heart beating and it made her smile, despite everything. It was indescribable how nice it was and Jules closed her eyes, just to lose herself in the feeling and listen to his heartbeat. Tears threatened again, but instead Jules kept her eyes shut, her arm tightening around him. And because she could, Jules lifted her face, just to press it against his neck. It was an irresistible impulse to just feel more of him, to breathe in his scent and let it trigger a hundred memories. Four months had felt like years to her, everything moving in slow motion. Jules didn't need to talk and she didn't need Jasper to talk either. This was perfect enough and she didn't want to give it up anytime soon.
This was way better than trying to make stilted conversation when neither of them really knew what to say. What they’d both been through was too big for words to cover it all, especially so soon after the fact. Maybe in time they’d be able to really talk about it, but for now Jasper preferred this. Jules was warm against him, solid and present and nice-smelling. The heat of her face against his neck and feeling her muscle and bone under the arm he had around her back was comforting. He could feel her breathing, and feel the soft press of her breasts on his ribs. Jasper let his own eyes close and lightly stroked his fingertips against the top of Jules’s shoulder. God, he’d missed this. He’d only touched Elodie the whole time he’d been Over There, and that had just been some desperate-for-human-connection hand holding. It was nothing like cuddling the girl he loved.
The words would come, Jules knew. But right now, Jasper had his arms around her and that told her all she needed to know right then. She had thought this would never happen again. That the last memory Jasper would have of her would be that damn portal and all the chaos that came with it. Her nose stung and Jules swallowed, trying to keep her emotion tempered. She didn't want to cry all over Jasper. This was too nice to ruin with tears. "I don't want to let you go," she murmured, finally opening her eyes. Her vision was a bit watery, but nothing too intolerable. "I keep thinking I'll wake up soon and this will be a dream. I know that sounds silly, but I dreamed about you a lot while you've been gone."
Coming back had been hard enough that Jasper was pretty confident this was all real. He was home. So he didn’t have to contend with questioning all that. He was firmly grounded in reality, this was just far more than he’d thought he would ever get. Jules forgave him -- or at least thought she did for now; Jasper was sure it wasn’t over, and she didn’t know everything -- and wanted to be with him like this again. They were good first steps at least. His own eyes cracked open when she spoke, his arm tightening slightly around her. “I dreamed about you too,” he replied softly. “All the time. But I promise you’re not dreaming.” Jasper gave a huff and turned his head enough to give her a nuzzle. “If you could’a smelled me when I first got back, you’d know.”
She hadn't known what it was like for him over there, or what he was like. Had he been infected the entire time until he was brought home? Despite the circumstances, she felt better knowing he had dreamed of her. Maybe there had been some sort of subconscious connection there, between that world and this one. Or maybe Jules was just overthinking everything now that she knew what she knew. Smiling softly against him, Jules pressed her nose to his throat for a brief moment. "Well, you smell good now. And you feel good too." Honestly, she wouldn't have cared what he smelled or looked like when he came home. If she had known about it when it happened, nothing would have stopped her from hugging him. "How's your dad?" she murmured. "Like... I'm trying to imagine what he said when he saw you but... your dad doesn't say much so it's more visual, you know? Is he okay?"
Jasper was sure he would end up telling Jules everything about what Over There had been like ... he just didn’t want to yet. He wanted to dwell on the present, now that he was back. Jasper chuckled faintly at her assessment of Gavin -- it was true that his dad was a man of few words. “He’s okay, yeah,” he said, idly stroking Jules’s back. “He mostly just cried and hugged me and kept rubbing my head. He’s really happy.” It sounded like a dumb, obvious thing to say, because duh of course he was. But Jasper was still honestly moved by how much loving emotion had been in those embraces and tears. He wasn’t sure he deserved all of that, considering what he’d done, but it had all still felt so good, and he was so tired of feeling shitty. “He said you guys talked a few times while I was gone?” he added in a murmur. “I’m glad you told him what happened.” It had been so hard to not have any idea what had happened to Amelia, and Jasper was glad Gavin hadn’t had to live with that uncertainty for so long.
Hearing that made her smile. She knew how devastated Mr. Lucas had been with Jasper gone. Maybe this whole thing would lead them to having a better relationship. Maybe there could be a silver lining to all of this. "I'm glad," she murmured. She could only imagine how ecstatic Amelia had been too. "I didn't want him to wonder what happened to you, like he had to with Amelia," she explained after a moment of thought. "I brought your car back to him and told him everything. He's been really great to me since then. I think because we both sort of knew what the other one was going through, you know?" She wasn't going to tell Jasper about the abortion. Not yet. She didn't know when but now was definitely not the time for that. Who knew when the right time would be. She just hoped Mr. Lucas wouldn't say anything either.
Jasper’s fingers moved up to lightly stroke the side of Jules’s hair. He knew it couldn’t have been easy, going to Gavin to not only tell him that Jasper was gone, but how and why. Jasper remembered that his old man had known something was wrong with him, he remembered the concern that had bred nothing but paranoia in his infected brain. “I’m glad you had each other,” he murmured. “And Logan too, he said you guys got closer over it.” Maybe there were upsides to all of this, like tragedy brought people together or whatever. Jasper just wasn’t sure how it all fit together now that he was back. It was like the shape of his place in the world had changed -- or his own shape had, so he didn’t exactly fit anymore. He hoped that feeling would fade as time went on. “He was really dying to call you, but I asked him not to yet, so don’t be pissed at him,” he added with a soft chuckle. “I just didn’t ... know who I was, it was overwhelming. And then when it came back I had to see my dad.”
It hadn't been easy but nothing Jules had been doing for the last few months had been. And Mr. Lucas had deserved to know what happened to Jasper. Her lips twitched at the mention of Logan. "I'm not pissed at him. I get it. He missed you a lot too. He's fun to get high with," she added, closing her eyes as Jasper stroked her hair. It felt nice to be touched again, especially by Jasper. "When you're feeling up to it, you should call Ruby too. She's going to be so happy you're home." Like everyone else who cared about Jasper. Jules was just happy to have him all to herself, at least for now. Knowing that he would eventually have to go back to his dad's house - or rather, Ms. Harris's house - made Jules tighten her hold on him. She didn't want to give him up just yet.
A weird sort of jealousy rolled through Jasper’s stomach -- he had been suffering and constantly terrified while his girlfriend and best friend got stoned and giggled together? -- but it passed quickly. He knew that wasn’t fair, and he doubted they were having a blast while worrying about and mourning him. He was glad Jules had a couple people she could turn to, he knew her mom had probably been useless for comfort. Hopefully Sebastian had been supportive too, since his mom had been in the same situation. “I’m going to,” he murmured about Ruby, smiling faintly. Jasper turned his head to press his lips against Jules’s forehead and just stayed there a moment. “Even if I got back, I thought you’d never forgive me,” he said softly against her skin. “M’sorry I left you with a bunch of bad memories.”
There had been times over the past few months where Jules felt like if she laughed, or even smiled, she was a terrible person. And then there were times when she felt like if she didn't find any joy, even the slightest, she would just sink into an irreversible black hole of depression. She simply hadn't known who she was allowed to be, or what to feel anymore. Even now, laying in Jasper's arms, it was still a cloud of confusion hanging over her. The sound of his voice prompted her to open her eyes and she lifted her face just a little to look at him. "Jasper, I know that wasn't really you. I know you would never hurt me on purpose. You couldn't help what was happening to you. I thought about you all the time, but it was almost never about what happened at the end."
Jules had already said as much, but Jasper found he needed to hear it again. Maybe he would need to hear it later, too. Maybe every day for the rest of his life, who knew. Jasper was just currently taking things a moment at a time. He gazed into Jules’s beautiful blue eyes and sucked his bottom lip into his mouth to lightly chew on. “You mean that?” he practically whispered, his heart starting to pick up speed. “You know it wasn’t really me?” The Big Thing, the Worst Thing he’d done was there in the back of his throat, pushing on everything, restricting his air. He had to tell somebody. Jules had to know what kind of monster he’d turned into, had to know that she’d done the right thing by locking them all away. He desperately wanted her to know, to show himself completely so she could accept or reject him and they could get it over with. Before he fell deeper in love with her all over again.
There seemed to be turmoil in his eyes and Jules shifted a little so she could look at him without arching her neck. Bringing her hand up, she brushed it along the top of his ear, fingertips grazing where his hair used to be. "I do mean that," Jules assured him. "I know you were infected with something. It turned you into someone else. You can't blame yourself for what happened." The only times Jasper had ever hurt her physically had been when he was dealing with those horrible mood swings, and then thinking she had betrayed him. Looking at him now, Jules knew for certain he hadn't had any control over his behavior. It made her feel all the worse that she had locked him away in a horrible place the way she had.
The soft touch sent waves of shivers running down the side of Jasper’s neck. They seemed to amp up the emotions he was already feeling, and his throat started to ache. Part of him was scared to tell her, but Jasper knew it was now or never. They’d promised no more secrets, and if things were really going to get back on track, that had to be part of it. In spite of the reassurances he craved from her, he knew healing might still be slow, and he wanted her to know why. “I have to tell you something,” he said softly, staring into Jules’s eyes. Part of him wanted to lower his gaze when he said it, but he made himself hold steady. “After the dance ... and before the woods ... I killed my grandfather. He’d been infected too ... but he didn’t go in with us, because he was already dead.”
Jules hadn't been prepared to hear that and she blinked in surprise at Jasper's confession. She suddenly remembered Mr. Lucas telling her his dad had been infected, but Jules had never met the man and it had been so dark that night in the woods. With Jasper home, and others having come back, would Mr. Lucas expect his dad to show up again too? Swallowing hard, Jules grasped at Jasper's hand, holding tightly. "What happened? Did he attack you?" There had to be something that triggered Jasper's anger, right? His temper had been terrible at the end, so... if Jasper's grandfather had been infected too, maybe it was just a violent blowout on both of their parts. Did Mr. Lucas know any of this?
There was a sense of instant relief to unburden himself in the first place, but it was short-lived. In more optimistic moments, Jasper had told himself that Jules wouldn’t judge him -- she’d been involved in her step-father’s death, after all, and he’d helped her clean up after that. What he’d done to Joseph felt so different, though. It had been so abrupt, so horrifically violent, and he’d felt nothing but rage and glee while he was doing it. Jasper was determined to be honest with Jules, but he was glad there was no way for her to see what he’d done. He wasn’t sure she would ever look at him the same, infected or not. He shook his head a little, then winced a bit. “I was with Caden, he went over to check on my grandmother ... and Joseph was just ... running his mouth, as usual,” he murmured. “Making threats, insulting me because I hadn’t ... taken care of you yet. Y’know, because he knew about you four, like I knew. I think I pushed him first, and it just ... escalated from there.” Jasper swallowed and his eyes finally dropped. “I beat him to death. In front of Caden. Then I just left, like it was nothing.”
It took Jules a second to understand what Jasper meant by "take care of her" and while it made her chest feel cold, she pushed past it. That was the least important part of what Jasper was telling her. He had beat his grandfather to death with his own hands? In front of his uncle? Jules remembered what it had sounded like when Ruby's bat connected with her step-dad's skull. How his body sounded falling down the stairs. It still made her nauseous to think about. Her stomach felt sick even now, but she knew that was because Jasper had to be dealing with a lot of guilt and turmoil of his own. "It wasn't you," she said, trying to keep her voice steady. Both hands came up to cup his face so he wouldn't look away. "Something else was controlling you. You and everyone else who got hurt in the fog. If he had been infected too... if he started threatening you then... then you might have been the one dead if you hadn't..." She trailed off and licked her dry lips. "You weren't yourself at the end. You know that."
Jasper met her eyes again and tried to listen and really believe what she was saying. He’d been influenced, yes, but how foreign had all that hatred really been? He’d hated Joseph Lucas for years, just like the rest of them. A tendency for violence ran in his family. Had the infection only lowered his inhibitions and brought out the true monster inside him? As angry and betrayed as he’d felt when it came to Jules, he hadn’t wanted to kill her, at least not the night of the dance. Something in him had still resisted the idea when Joseph mocked him for not doing it. Jasper swallowed thickly, his blue eyes getting bright with unshed tears as they searched Jules’s. Would she be saying the same stuff if she knew what he’d done with Logan too? It had been a completely different kind of transgression, but part of him had wanted that too, hadn’t it? Fuck, all of it gave him a headache. He nodded a little, taking a couple of unsteady breaths before he answered. “Dad doesn’t know,” he whispered roughly. “I don’t ... I haven’t t-talked to Caden yet but he must’ve ... covered for me, s-somehow. There was so m-much blood.” Jasper’s face twisted and his breath caught. He leaned forward to butt his forehead against hers while he tried to pull himself together. “It felt good, Jules. It felt so fucking good at the time.”
There weren't really any words that could magically fix things for him, or reassure him that he wasn't to blame. She hadn't been in his shoes. She hadn't been infected by those things. If he remembered how good it felt, that was probably fucking with his head too. Jules let go of his hands and wrapped her arms around him the best she could in their confined space. "You need to talk to your uncle," she murmured. "Find out what happened. If... if he covered for you and your dad doesn't know, then there's no reason why he ever needs to, right?" It was up to Jasper whether or not to tell his dad what had happened. Maybe his uncle would do it for him now that Jasper was back. Jules honestly didn't know. She had very little interaction with Jasper's family beyond Amelia and Mr. Lucas. "You're not a killer," she reminded him firmly. "You're not. You were influenced by something dark. But it's gone now, and you're home. Your grandfather might have tried to kill you, or your uncle or grandma... maybe... maybe you did everyone a favor." She hated saying it and the words tasted sour on her tongue, but it was the truth if Joseph Lucas was as bad as people in town said.
Gavin hadn’t mentioned anything bad happening to Caden, so Jasper had to assume he’d recovered from being so drained by Joseph and himself. Bridget had made it too. Jasper just hoped she’d been too out of it to know what had happened right there in front of her. He clung to Jules as she embraced him, the grip more desperate than it had been before. God, he’d missed the fuck out of her, and now that she knew the worst thing he’d done, all he wanted to do was crawl inside her clothes with her and clutch at her and cry himself to sleep. Maybe he would actually be able to rest now. He did think that the outcome for his uncle and grandmother would’ve been a lot worse if he hadn’t been there that day. Maybe they’d both be dead. So maybe Jules was right, in a terrible way. “He was a bastard and he fucked up everything for our family forever, but I didn’t want that,” he mumbled once he got the breath for it. Jasper realized he was face-leaking onto Jules’s shoulder and sniffed hard, pulling back enough to wipe at his face with the sleeve of his hoodie. “Sorry,” he said thickly. “I know it’s all a lot, I just ... needed to tell you.”
"I know." She didn't know anyone who wanted other people to die. But it had happened and now he had to get through it somehow. Jules just wished she had the right answers. Death was horrible no matter how it happened but she had to imagine it was ten times worse being responsible for it. Caius D'Onofrio's words echoed in her head almost every day since he said them to her and even though some people had come back, others probably hadn't and maybe that was on her hands. And Nic's, and Neil's. "It's a lot, but you don't have to be sorry. I'm sure it was weighing on you for a long time and I know you needed to get it off your chest. I'm just sorry you were put in that position in the first place. It wasn't fair to you." Just like it hadn't been fair to her, or Ruby, or anyone else who found themselves in a shitty position. Especially in this stupid town. Jules frowned but kept her arms around him. "You need to talk to your uncle. Like, soon. At least once you know what happened you can figure out where to go from there."
Jasper didn’t know what the ‘best’ way would have been for Joseph to die, but what happened definitely wasn’t it. He didn’t want the burden of what he’d done, not on top of everything else he was already carrying. He would talk to Caden like Jules was saying and get his opinion ... but Jasper really didn’t want his dad to know the truth. Maybe that was shitty and unfair, maybe Gavin deserved to know what had really happened to his father, but Jasper wasn’t sure he could take it if things went badly. “I will,” he mumbled. He didn’t really feel victimized by the circumstances, his mind was too fucked up with guilt over all of it for that, he just felt awful about everything in general. Jasper didn’t even know if Caden would want to talk to him, or thought he was a psychopath or what. He guessed he would find out soon enough. Jasper shifted his position until he could tuck his face in against Jules’s neck and closed his eyes. “I’m so glad you’re here,” he murmured. “I know nothing’s really okay, but ... I wanna get there.”
Jasper had already been through so much and it physically hurt her to know he had to have his grandfather's death on his shoulders now too. Hopefully in time he could forgive himself for it. Hopefully, if Mr. Lucas ever found out, he could forgive him for it too. With his face pressed against her neck, Jules brought her hand up to the back of his head, still marveling over the fact that it was a soft buzz now instead of the longer strands she was used to sliding her hands through. Honestly, she didn't care. She was just happy to have him back. To be able to touch him again when she had begun to accept that it would never happen. "I'm glad you're here too," she whispered. "We'll get back to being okay, I promise. I'll do whatever I can, okay?"
He would probably miss his hair later, but for now it was nice to have nothing but short stubble for Jules to rub her hand over. It kind of tingle-tickled, which just reminded him that he could feel things other than misery. It was a good thing to know at the moment. Jasper nodded against her and stayed right where he was for a few long moments, just soaking in Jules’s presence. He was home, he wasn’t infected anymore, so far nobody hated him even if most of them didn’t know the truth, those were good first steps. They made the rest of it seem like it could be dealt with. After a while Jasper pulled back enough to look at Jules again, his hand finding one of hers to squeeze and press against his cheek. “Have you been ... I mean, ‘okay’ sounds like a bullshit word, but ... any more portals? Any more questions about your stepdad? You’ve been safe and everything?” he murmured, searching her eyes.
So much had happened since Jasper had been gone that Jules wasn't entirely sure where to start. He was still adjusting to being home and having to deal with the weight of his grandfather's death. It didn't really feel right to dump all of her stuff on him, though none of it was as bad as what he went through. Some of it had actually been kind of good, which made her feel her own sort of guilt. "No questions about my stepdad," she said, brushing her thumb over his skin. "My mom is still trying to find out what happened but I think for the most part she's accepted he's not coming back. The portals... it's a long story, Jasper... and I'll tell you about it when you're feeling up to it, but I think right now you need to focus on getting better yourself. I'm okay though, I've had help and I've been safe so I don't want you to worry about any of that." That was the truth, at least. She wasn't going to lie to him or try to hide things. But Jules wanted Jasper to focus on getting acclimated to being home first, and talk to the people he needed to talk to.
It was obvious that some things had happened with the portal stuff. Nobody said it was a long story if there was no story at all. Jasper wanted to push through her reluctance and make her tell him everything, a desperate sort of nagging feeling in his gut that he had missed everything while he was gone. He didn’t even know what ‘everything’ might be, but it was a bad sense of being behind the rest of the world. Months had passed, his dad and sister had moved in with Charlie, Jules had a long story to tell him when he was better, what else had he missed? He tried not to let it stress him out though, not yet anyway. As long as people still wanted him around, he would catch up. Besides, having help and being safe didn’t sound like bad things. “Okay,” he said with another small nod. “Long as you’ve been all right.”
"I mean, I've been as all right as I could be," she admitted. There had definitely been times where she hadn't been all right. And Jules wanted to be honest with him, the way he had been with her. But it just didn't seem like the right time or place to do it now. "I've just missed you a lot. Everything felt... wrong without you here. I didn't really feel like myself." Jules trailed off, because she knew he had been through so much worse. It wasn't his fault he hadn't been here, it was hers. Managing a faint smile, she pressed her forehead to his. "I'm just afraid I'm going to wake up and this won't be real."
Jasper knew things hadn’t been easy for Jules on this side either. Once the influence of the fog had dropped away, his empathy had come back, and he’d had more than enough time to sit and think about everything. Over-think, really. He’d worried about her blaming herself for what they’d had to do, even if some days he’d blamed her too. It had just been a rollercoaster. Which he was still on, really. Jasper just hoped the ride would be easier now that he was home. He shifted position a bit and slipped his arm under Jules’s legs to pull her more solidly into his lap, wanting to be as close to her as possible. “I know the feeling,” he murmured once she was settled, kissing at the angle of her jaw. “But I’m real. I’m home. And I love you.”
Jules moved easily with Jasper, settling comfortably on his lap. It was almost a year ago that they were in his backseat tearing each other's clothes off to fuck. Those days felt so long ago. They had been through so much since then. Hearing Jasper tell her that he loved her seemed to crack the heaviness that had been weighing her down since he had gone. Her eyes burned from trying to hold back the tears again, because she had spent so many months missing him, and thinking he was dead... or alive and in pain... and hating her. "I love you too," she managed, turning enough to kiss him properly, and maybe a touch desperately, on the lips. The reassurance was something she had needed and Jules knew it was going to be incredibly hard to let him go again.
It was a completely different car and they seemed like completely different people, but those old days weren’t far from Jasper’s mind either. Everything had been so much simpler back then. He hadn’t given a shit about much, he’d had a hot cheerleader who loved his dick, his sister had still been a kid, his mom hadn’t completely abandoned him yet, it had all been easy. Now, nothing felt easy. Hearing those words and kissing Jules felt good though, and that was the best Jasper could do for now. He kissed her back with feeling, his arms tightening around her waist and hips to hold her close. Her lips were soft and perfect and she tasted so heartbreakingly familiar, all he wanted to do was this for the rest of the day.
This was definitely not a dream, although it still sort of felt like one with the way Jasper held and kissed her back. He still felt and tasted like Jasper and right now, that was all Jules really wanted. It had been a long time since she had kissed anyone and it was amazing to experience that kind of warmth and comfort again. Maybe they could stay there, cuddled up in the back of her car, kissing for the next several hours until her lips were swollen and her body was aching and hot. It felt like there were so many hurdles coming that they would have to climb over, some secrets that would still have to be told and deep down, Jules wasn't looking forward to any of it. She just wanted this. Was that really so terrible?