Jacob Keller (bodyonthetracks) wrote in shadows_rpg, @ 2020-05-11 23:41:00 |
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Entry tags: | #january 2018, connor, connor x jacob, jacob |
Who: Connor & Jacob
Where: Seaview
When: Monday morning, 3am 01/22
Status: Complete
It was three o'clock in the morning. Connor and Jacob had been sleeping for a few hours when Jacob sat up and slipped out of bed. His own clothes were neatly folded by the door, the last thing he wore being just some joggers and a t-shirt during a welcome stay-at-home Sunday with Connor. He moved almost mechanically, quietly heading over there and started pulling on the pants and then the shirt - only he took Connor's shirt instead of his own, mindlessly buttoning it up while staring blankly at the door.
It had been a long but wonderful night, and Connor was fairly deeply asleep when Jacob got out of bed. There was some part of his brain that was still aware of his bed partner though, still adjusting to sleeping with someone else every night. When he heard rustling around instead of the usual sound of the bathroom door and the soft click of the light switch, he started to wake up. One of Connor’s arms moved and only encountered empty bed and not the warm body of his boy. Connor’s eyes opened and he drew in a deeper breath, frowning reflexively. Something didn’t feel right, and he sat up. A weird shudder-chill went through him as his gaze landed on the figure standing in front of the door. Connor could really only see him because of the white shirt. “Jacob?” he asked rustily.
"Go back to sleep," Jacob said, his voice flat, his mind unaware. He finished buttoning the shirt and started rummaging around for socks. It was cold out, he'd need shoes if he wanted to get where he was going but it seemed like too much hassle so he stopped after a moment and headed for the bedroom door instead. Shoes would be easier to find than socks, he could do without them.
Not only the tone, but the words themselves didn’t sound right to Connor. It was too much of a command instead of a reassurance. He watched and listened as Jacob opened a drawer to root around in, then abandoned it. “What are you doing?” Connor asked him, starting to feel more awake now. He hadn’t forgotten what Jacob had told him about his worrisome experience with sleepwalking a while back. Connor wasn’t sure that’s what was happening at the moment, but he didn’t like the possibility, either. He pushed the blankets to the side and got up himself to follow as his boy opened up the bedroom door.
Jacob stopped in the hallway, looking both ways, unsure which way to go. "Go back to bed, Connor," he said coolly. "You're not in charge right now." He all but closed the door in Connor's face before heading down the hallway, not bothering with the lights even if it meant bumping into things. His sole focus right now was getting shoes on and getting out of there, it wasn't like he was really seeing what he was doing so he didn't need a light.
Connor got a stab of indignation mixed with amusement at those words, and his hand shot out to keep the door from closing completely. He definitely knew Jacob wasn’t fully awake now, that kind of defiance wasn’t his conscious boy, that was for sure. He followed Jacob down the hallway, waiting until they were more out in the open of the living room before he stepped in front of him. That whole thing about it being dangerous to wake sleepwalkers was a myth, but he was still careful as he took hold of Jacob’s arms to stop him from walking any further. “Jacob,” he said, leaning in toward his face, his tone firm this time. “Wake up.”
"I'm wide awake," Jacob said sullenly and he looked straight at Connor though his gaze still managed to look somewhat vacant. "You wake up." He moved sluggishly to shake Connor's hands off, looking around the living room as if trying to locate something, even if it was really too dark to see much. "Let go," he mumbled as he did, frustration in his voice.
Connor didn’t have a lot of experience with sleepwalking, and it was definitely unnerving to be talked to so directly by someone who was obviously asleep. Obvious to him, anyway. Maybe someone who didn’t know Jacob would miss it, but Connor knew him. “No you’re not, Jacob,” he said, his voice still firm and authoritative. “Wake up.” He tightened his grip and gave Jacob a shake. “Come on back to me now. You’re not going anywhere.” Connor didn’t want to slap him or anything that might really hurt, but he was going to stop this one way or another.
Jacob stared at him blankly for a moment before he blinked and slowly started frowning. "Connor?" he whispered and then his voice got a little more frantic. "What are you doing here? It's not safe." It took him a moment to understand where he was, that it wasn't cold, that Grayson wasn't standing right next to them, dead and hollow-eyed. That's where he thought he was, the tunnel and the remnants of his dreams were slowly fading, leaving him confused and shaken.
There he was. Connor got a little jolt of fear himself, just an instinctual reaction to that note of fear in Jacob’s voice, and he thought there must be a nightmare going on in Jacob’s head. “Yeah, it’s me,” he said, his tone slipping into something more reassuring. “It’s okay, you’re at home, you’re okay.” He rubbed at Jacob’s arms a little before pulling him gently into a hug. “You were having a bad dream, but it’s okay.”
Home. It took a moment to believe that and Jacob was stiff in Connor's embrace for the first few seconds, his heart beating hard and fast in his chest, his eyes a little wide. "Why are we standing?" he whispered once he started gathering his senses. He was dressed and the clothes felt all wrong, especially since Connor was naked. If he was having a bad dream, he'd be in bed, he'd be naked too. This all felt wrong and weird and he instinctively wrapped his arms around Connor, needing it to feel grounded and taking some comfort in the warmth of his skin. They were home, even if something was not right, it wasn't the tunnel.
Connor was patient and rubbed his back gently, relieved when Jacob hugged him back. “You were sleepwalking,” he said calmly, having expected that question. Considering that the first time Jacob had thought it was some side effect of drugs, he didn’t expect him to react to that news very well. At least now they were living together, and Connor could intervene before Jacob got too far. He pulled back enough to cup Jacob’s face and look at him, even though his features were sort of blurry in the dark. “You’re okay, though,” he murmured. “I got you. C’mon, let’s go back to bed.”
It really wasn't what Jacob wanted to hear and while there probably wasn't anything supernatural about it, he couldn't help but think of how close to the Cooperdale Tunnel they were, how maybe that was where he'd been heading. He nodded at the suggestion, not wanting to argue about it even if he wasn't so sure he wanted to sleep now. "I'm sorry," he said quietly, slowly pulling away enough so that they could walk and as soon as he moved he realized his feet were bare against the floor. Maybe the cold would have woken him up if he'd actually gone outside, he could only hope that was the case. "What time is it? You have work tomorrow."
“No apologies,” Connor murmured. He stroked a hand over Jacob’s hair once before he started walking with him back toward the bedroom. Connor didn’t think he would drop off immediately or anything himself, but being cozied up in bed again was better than standing around in the living room. Jacob had some clothes on, but he didn’t. “I don’t know, I didn’t look at the clock ... two-thirty, maybe?” Connor did have work in the morning, but he wasn’t stressed about it. He’d worked on much less sleep many times. It was just the kind of thing you got used to as a doctor, especially working ER shifts. “Don’t worry about me though ... are you okay?”
"Yeah," Jacob replied on reflex before rethinking it and realizing no, he wasn't okay and lying to Connor that he was wouldn't help him feel better. "No," he amended quietly. "I'm... I thought I was there, in the tunnel, and you..." He shivered at the thought though he had to admit he did feel a little better once they were in the bedroom with the door closed. "What if it wants me there," he whispered and wondered if he was even making sense to Connor or if he just sounded like he was half asleep, still dreaming.
Connor hadn’t figured that Jacob was actually okay, so the correction didn’t surprise him, but it did please him to hear. He wanted Jacob to always be honest with him, no matter what was going on. He did sound like he wasn’t completely conscious at the moment, or at least not thinking straight and rational. Understandable, considering the circumstances and the darkness surrounding them. “It was just a bad dream,” Connor repeated gently as he guided Jacob toward the bed. Even if they didn’t sleep, there was something safe and comforting about curling up together under blankets. Connor started unbuttoning the shirt that Jacob had put on, slightly amused to feel that it was one of his.
"That place is evil," Jacob mumbled and that he knew wasn't a bad dream. "You said you'd move if I wanted to, did you mean it?" He normally felt like that was too big a thing to ask but if he could, he'd pack up and move now. The damn tunnel was within a walking distance from them and he was always so aware of the fact, even more so now that he'd lost control again. And why? He'd stopped doing drugs, he'd stopped taking sleeping medication, it didn't feel fair that he was sleepwalking again. The only reassuring thing was that Connor had woken up and stopped him, he wasn't waking up the next day with twigs in his hair and random objects from the outside in his room. He let Connor undress him, his body still feeling as half asleep as his mind did.
A few months ago, Connor didn’t believe in evil places. A lot of things had shifted around in his head since the fog had descended on the town, in ways that he was still making sense of. But he believed that Jacob had had an Experience at the Cooperdale Tunnel. His fingers paused only briefly in removing the shirt, but Connor didn’t hesitate for long. “I did mean it,” he answered softly. “And I still do. Do you feel like you want to?” He was sure now that the answer was going to be yes, and part of Connor’s brain was already starting to plan for that. There were some really decent apartments available in this town, but he did like not sharing a wall with anyone. He’d also seen a couple of For Sale signs up in Overlook, and he knew that James McCarthy’s wife was a realtor ...
It was hard for Jacob to ask for what he wanted sometimes, especially when that something involved a lot of hassle and money. He was willing to do so much for Connor and he knew by now that the feeling was mutual but when it came to responsibility and adult shit, he often felt like he was treading on thin ice. He didn't answer right away, even if the answer was no doubt predictable, focusing instead on the ease and finesse in which Connor unbuttoned his shirt. Connor's shirt. Oh. "I'm scared of being here alone," he finally said and that felt stupid. He could be home alone if they were in Portland, he wouldn't feel like he had to crash at Joss's or Sage's just to avoid being home alone - like a frightened child. But the tunnel loomed so close by and sometimes when Connor wasn't home - even if it was daytime - Jacob felt like it might somehow get closer, like a living creature crawling out of the woods to devour him whole.
That wasn’t a direct answer, but Connor could read between the lines. He was very aware of the disparities between Jacob and himself, both in age and finances. Those things didn’t matter-matter to him, but he knew they didn’t live in a vacuum, and there were certain power imbalances that neither one of them could help. He already knew how reluctant Jacob was to ask for things, and this would be a pretty big ask ... if Connor had any roots in Seaview, or he’d bought a place instead of renting, or some other inconvenience. He guided the shirt down Jacob’s arms and off of him, then cupped the sides of his neck and kissed his forehead. “I’ll start looking for a new place tomorrow,” he murmured. “On the other side of town.” Connor’s lips twitched slightly, but he wasn’t really joking. He didn’t want Jacob to be afraid in the place where he was supposed to be the safest. “We’ll get out of here as soon as we can, okay?”
Jacob wrapped his arms around Connor's waist and hugged him tightly, pressing his face against the crook of his neck. It was too much to ask and he knew he'd probably try to take it back tomorrow but right now he just felt stupidly grateful. "M'sorry I'm difficult," he mumbled. "I thought it was over." That was probably where he'd been stupid, or at least too optimistic and naive. Maybe things like that didn't just stop and he needed to see a therapist or something. Or maybe he was just doomed to sleep walk every now and then for the rest of his life. He leaned back a little, enough to sneak a kiss on Connor's cheek. He realized he was more afraid of the fact he'd thought Connor had been in the tunnel than he had been of being there himself and it made him want to tell him - again - never to go there. Connor knew that already, he had no reason to go out there and he knew how much Jacob hated the place but the need to tell him was like a weight on his chest and he needed to say the words. "Don't ever go out there, okay?"
Connor slipped his arms around Jacob in return as soon as he latched on, one hand coming up to cradle and stroke the back of his head. “I promise I won’t,” he murmured, because it seemed important for Jacob to hear him say that. Connor would say it as many times as he needed. He kissed the side of Jacob’s head and gave him a gentle squeeze. “And you’re not difficult. If you were scared to live here because of a break in or something, I would do the same thing, and what you experienced was worse. I should’ve already done it, so no apologies.” Connor held onto him for another moment or two, then started to let go. “Let’s get comfy and turn the TV on and find something stupid to watch.” He knew neither of them would probably be sleeping for a while, but they could at least feel more settled and snuggle comfortably in bed.
"You need to sleep," Jacob murmured apologetically because Connor had work in the morning and he'd already fucked with his sleep enough. "I'm okay, promise," he added and pulled gently on Connor's arm to get him to come with him to bed again. "I'm okay with you here." He unbuttoned his pants, not terribly surprised when he realized he hadn't put on underwear. His whole outfit for leaving the house had been somewhat haphazard it seemed, Connor's shirt, no socks, no underwear. He was starting to think the cold would have woken him up if Connor hadn't, it would have had to. "What about you, do you think you can sleep?" Of course if Connor wanted to watch TV, it wouldn't bother Jacob, that much was clear, but he really didn't want to keep him up longer if it was just for Jacob's sake.
He wasn’t too worried about being sleep-deprived in the morning -- Connor had already been asleep for a few hours, and sometimes that was all he got before a shift. The ER in Point Pleasant was usually fairly quiet, so he didn’t think it would be a problem. But it was sweet that Jacob fretted about him. Connor crawled back into bed with a little smile on his face, settling in on his usual side and pulling the covers back for Jacob to join him. “Probably not for a while, but we’ll see. I can sleep with a television on, by the way, if you’re stuck awake and need something to occupy your mind.” The remote was on the bedside table, and Jacob watching something at a low volume wasn’t going to keep Connor awake. He just wanted his boy to feel calm and secure. Sometimes turning one’s brain off with a dumb show was necessary for sanity.
Jacob slipped off his pants and crawled into bed, sidling in close to Connor and slowly getting comfortable. He wanted to sleep and it seemed like he was far more tired than Connor was but once he was settled he thought maybe having some mind numbing background noise wasn't such a bad idea. "Okay," he murmured. "If you're sure you don't mind." He'd fallen asleep with the TV on enough times to know it was a different sort of sleep but sometimes just the kind of sleep he needed. Tonight might be one of those nights, he could still hear the echo of Grayson's voice in his head, feel the chill from the tunnel in his bones. A familiar TV show could keep all that at bay, especially if Connor ended up falling asleep before he did.
Connor was more than happy to wrap his arms around Jacob and cuddle up to him. He knew he couldn’t fix everything that was wrong in Jacob’s brain, trauma or dreams or whatever was making his subconscious get his body up in the middle of the night to go somewhere, but he could be there for him and support him through it. And hopefully keep stopping him from walking out into the snow without any socks on. “I don’t mind,” he murmured back, nuzzling the side of Jacob’s head a bit. Other words bubbled up to the tip of his tongue, but Connor’s filter wasn’t completely asleep, and he swallowed back the assurance that he loved Jacob and would always take care of him. Another night when the boy wasn’t quite so vulnerable, maybe. For now Connor was happy to show him those two things with his actions instead of words. He would take care of him, and he would start by finding them somewhere easier to live. In the morning.