Who: Neil and Carson When: late afternoon, Wednesday, Dec 20th Where: Neil’s place Status: complete
Neil Wainscott would never be known as a man who enjoyed visitors and that made today a pretty strange one for him. He had, possibly for the first time since he was a child, invited someone over for a visit. He would be the first to admit that yes it was strange but the thought of meeting in a public space to discuss the things he wanted to discuss was far more abhorrent than actually meeting someone in the privacy of his own home.
After much deliberation he'd decided to text Carson Durand to ask him about his experiences with this psychic nonsense they all seemed to be going through. Carson was friendly and approachable even to Neil so he seemed like a logical person to start with. The last thing Neil wanted to do was invite a teenage girl to his house but Nic and Carson could be talked to without feeling too awful. If there was any silver lining to all of this crazy shit happening it was that at least the other people involved weren't horrible psychopaths, or at least nothing pointed to that so far.
He made tea now that Carson had promised to drop by, then fretfully tidied a place that didn't need any tidying whatsoever. It mostly consisted of moving that book an inch to the left, then again to the right because it was better in the spot it had originally sat in. Neil had never thought a knock on the door could be a relief but it was this time, a weird sort of relief that was also mixed with an abundance of frayed nerves.
Carson had technically booked two days off for Rylee’s birthday, assuming he was going to be tired once they got back from Bangor, but he’d still agreed to meet one client in the early afternoon who couldn’t make the appointment work any other time of the week. So he’d gone in just for them, and while he was at the gym, he’d gotten a few texts from Neil. Which had been ... pretty unexpected. Since Rylee was at work and Carson didn’t have anything else going on, he’d agreed to stop by.
He was honestly glad that Neil had contacted him that specific day, the day after he’d had a great time out of town with Rylee. It had boosted him up some from the depression-hole he’d been wallowing in, and while maybe that was fucked up and selfish, it felt good not to feel awful for a while. He just had to try to stay in that middle-ground area and not give too much away to Neil in either the good or bad direction. Carson did his best to put it all out of his mind, to think blank boring thoughts as he walked from his parking spot to Neil’s door and knocked.
Neil heard Carson before he heard the knock. It was weird and uncomfortable and absolutely on topic for what he wanted to talk to him about that he heard his voice clear as day in his head, a stray thought about needing to get a treadmill monitor fixed. Neil didn't care about treadmills so it was very obviously not his own thought. He was still digesting that weird feeling of having another man's thoughts in his head when Carson knocked and Neil got up, putting his cup of tea down a bit shakily. It was unnerving enough to have Carson visit, he hadn't needed a refresher on their strange situation.
He gave him an awkward little smile when he opened the door, ushering him inside with a little wave. "Thank you for coming, I won't keep you long," he mumbled. "Do you want anything? Tea? Coffee? Water?"
Carson had been so focused on his own thoughts that he didn’t quite hear Neil’s until the door was opening. They were kind of fluttery and nervous. Skittish. Which seemed on brand from what he’d experienced of Neil so far. It was pretty clear that Neil wasn’t super comfortable having him there, and while that had been obvious the first time he’d been in this apartment too, it was another thing to hear it in his own head. Maybe that meant he wouldn’t pick up on any of Carson’s secrets. He could hope, while he did his best to act normal. “Hey, no problem,” he answered with a small smile of his own as he stepped inside. Carson unzipped his coat and slipped it off. “Some tea would be awesome, actually. If it’s no trouble.”
Everything was trouble in Neil's life except possibly tea and books so he actually smiled at that as he shook his head. "No trouble at all. I just boiled some water." He gestured vaguely at the couch before scurrying off to the kitchen to prepare a cup for Carson, stray thoughts of fretting about how strong it should be wafting in Carson's direction. "Sugar? Milk? Honey?" he called out as he worked in there, then realized he didn't even have milk so it was a dumb thing to ask. "I hope you don't use milk," he mumbled, coming to the doorway again. "I don't... I don't usually drink milk."
The amused thought was already crossing Carson’s mind that he never took milk in tea, but he didn’t want to be rude and not answer out loud. “Just some honey’s good,” he said. “I don’t drink much of that stuff either.” He did like tea though, in a health-conscious sort of way. Carson downed his fair share of coffee too, but tea had better stuff in it. He hung up his coat and did a bit of a meander around the living room while he waited, then perched on the edge of the couch. It was all so neat, he had that feeling all over again that he shouldn’t touch anything.
Neil brought the cup out and because he wasn't sure how Carson liked it, he brought it in a cup with a little plate, a spoon and honey in its own little bowl. He set it all down on the living room table, then sat down again in his chair where he picked up his own cup of tea. "So I asked you to come because... Well, we both know why. I can... I can hear you. Your thoughts, all of them. Even now, I heard you when you came to the door, thinking about gym equipment. It's been suggested to me that it's something we should- we could hone it." He swallowed dryly and gave Carson a somewhat pleading look, as if he hoped he had more to say on the topic.
It was such a fastidious but considerate setup, Carson felt a little impressed. If it had been him hosting, he probably would’ve just tossed the honey-bear to his guest. He spooned some of it into the hot liquid while Neil stumbled through the intro, then looked up with what he hoped was a reassuring sort of smile. He was a bit relieved that was all Neil heard -- or admitted to hearing, anyway -- but Carson did his best not to even focus on that relief. “Yeah, I know why,” he agreed. “I can hear you too. And Nic and Jules. It seems ... louder, when we’re together, easier to pick up on, I guess. I first realized it wasn’t just my mind playing tricks when me and Nic were in the same room.” His brow furrowed for a second. “When you say hone it ... you mean like just control it? So we’re not eavesdropping on each other all the time?”
"Well," Neil sighed. "Considering it was Jane who suggested it I wouldn't be surprised if she wanted us to use it with more force than that. Take over the world, defeat our enemies." He all but rolled his eyes at that, clearly exasperated by her. "But controlling it sounds good. I don't... I don't want this... Gift, if that's what you can call it. This quirk. It's disorienting, if I'm to be completely honest. Very uncomfortable." He too was trying hard to think only about what they were talking about at this moment but it was hard not to think about things he shouldn't be thinking about and it pained him that Carson might hear him thinking about AIR. That cat was so thoroughly out of the box though, with so many new people involved, maybe it didn't matter.
“Jane suggested it?” Carson echoed, his brows drawing tight again for a moment. He knew that Neil was the one who knew Jane and had arranged the dream-walk and everything, so it shouldn’t have been surprising that they’d talked afterward too, but it still was for some reason. “Did she have any ideas about why this is happening? Like, is it from the dream monster or from her going into our dreams?” It was likely that she had no idea, but Carson was still curious. “Believe me, I don’t want it either, man. Nothing against any of you guys, but people’s heads should be their own, you know?” He was catching fleeting impressions of Neil trying to cover things up, and that was at least kind of reassuring. Carson wasn’t the only one with secrets, as it should be.
"She doesn't know," Neil sighed and now he couldn't help but be struck with the idea that she did know and was just fucking with him. If he needed answers, he was more likely to push at this and try to hone it, right? It was a rabbit hole of paranoid thinking and even Neil was dimly aware of that so he pushed it away - for now. "But that thing, it hasn't come back so that's at least something, right? Maybe she pushed it away for good. You haven't had any weird dreams or anything since she helped, have you?"
He shook his head. There hadn’t been any dreams, just a sudden onset of telepathy. Which was ... well, Carson wasn’t sure if that was worse or not. His scale of badness had been blown apart and anything that didn’t cause him to murder people currently seemed like no big deal. He veered his brain away from touching that though, trying to focus more on the matter at hand. “Maybe she did get rid of it, and this is just some parting gift or some shit. Maybe it was trying to do even more to us and Jane interrupted. I don’t really know,” Carson said, though that wasn’t a surprise. None of them knew. “I’m not even sure how you practice something like that, but maybe if we all get together we can work on not hearing each other?”
"I suppose we could-" Neil started, pausing for a moment. "If I think of two colors and uh, try to hide one but show you the other. I mean, if there is any way to control it I suppose it's just like any other skill set you must learn and that takes practice." Lord knew he'd been no good at writing essays or cataloging before actually learning how to do it and that was a similar thing that felt a bit more approachable than any sports analogy might to him. "If you want to try." He winced a little at his own suggestion because maybe it was stupid and while Carson might be nice to his face he was just as likely to go laugh at him later.
It didn’t sound stupid to Carson at all, it sounded like a good idea. Focusing on colors was a lot safer than trying to shield other thoughts from each other. Super private thoughts. “Yeah,” he said, sitting forward a bit with some eagerness. “That’s a good point, I was thinking like, numbers or something, but colors are even better. Simpler.” Carson took a swig of tea and then set the cup down, looking expectantly at Neil. He wasn’t even sure how to focus purposefully on someone else’s mind yet, but he guessed he would figure it out as they went along. And if Neil was willing to go first, that was preferable.
Neil didn't know anything about any of this and so far all he could imagine doing was to think really hard about how he didn't want to share something. For all he knew that just meant Carson would hear 'I really don't want him to know I'm thinking about blue' which was completely counterproductive. He sat up a little straighter when Carson seemed prepared and cleared his throat as he set his own cup down. "Okay," he said with a nervous little huff. "Let me see if I can..." He chose a mossy green color and pictured a square of it in his mind. It was the color of one of his favorite books so it came easily and he could feel his eyebrows tense in concentration as he tried to convey it to Carson without speaking. It felt stupid but it was an attempt, think only of the visual and not the word.
This was probably smart of them, because so many thoughts were pictures and not words, or just concepts and feelings. Carson had really only heard word-thoughts so far, but if they were going to learn to shield themselves, maybe it was simpler to start with something like this. He watched Neil’s face, trying to stay ‘open’ -- even though he barely knew what that meant -- while the other man thought. Just when Carson was feeling like he wasn’t getting anything, his mind’s eye filled with a pretty green color. It floated in and wrapped itself into a book shape, which was interesting. “It’s green,” he said out loud, sounding a little excited about it. “And it’s ... a book?”
Under different circumstances, this might have been pretty cool. It reminded Neil of being very small and trying to move things with his mind before settling on that being stupid. That had been before AIR, before he wanted nothing to do with anything strange like this. He nodded. "The book part was... extra, I guess. But yes, green. Do you want to try? Before we attempt to conceal a color?" He felt weirdly exposed by this, even if he already knew they were catching glimpses of each others' minds and shouldn't be surprised by it.
“Sure, yeah,” Carson answered. It was only fair, really. He closed his eyes and had a blank ‘wtf are colors’ sort of moment before one came to him. It was red. A bright-dark crimson, the way blood looked as it came out of the body, thick and viscous. Pulsating. He probably shouldn’t be thinking about blood, so Carson tried to think of other red things. Apples. Fire trucks. Steak ... back to blood, fuck. He took a quick inhale through his nose and focused just on the color, like it was a paint sample. Just a square of red.
The initial image was so strong that it spilled over before Neil even tried to concentrate and he stared at Carson with growing apprehension. It wasn't fear of him, exactly, Neil knew what intrusive thoughts were and how they worked, but it was still troublesome to see blood in his mind out of the blue. "Red," he said quietly and picked up his cup of tea, his throat suddenly dry. "Maybe try to keep a color from me?" He had a feeling Carson had been trying, even if this was supposed to be the one they shared. He hadn't wanted Neil to see blood, at least Neil hoped he hadn't, needed to believe he hadn't.
Carson didn’t miss that some of the blood imagery had gotten through to Neil, and he felt guilty about it. But blood was a normal thing to think about when you were thinking about red ... right? If nothing else he could always blame it on his time at war. He’d lost a damn leg, after all, Carson had seen plenty of blood that had nothing to do with him being ... But he couldn’t think about that. He shoved it away as he nodded a bit. “Okay, yeah,” he murmured, and closed his eyes again with a little sigh. He needed a hidden color. Carson thought of a soft, foggy gray and did his best to focus on it and keep it quiet at the same time ... like he had a cloud cupped in his hands and turned his back to Neil.
Nothing came crashing through like before but Neil got a random thought of Carson turning his back on him, hunched over. It looked more like a painting than it did a real thing and Neil furrowed his brows, inclining his head curiously. "Are you thinking about a color?" he asked before catching a stray word; cloud. "White?" There was no image there, just Carson's back, hiding something. It was pretty clever, actually and Neil couldn't deny that this was interesting - if not a little fun. He wanted to find out more, to learn more and be better at this and that was new.
Carson blew a little huff out through his nose and shook his head a little. He realized a second later that Neil might have his eyes closed too. “No,” he answered. “I mean, yes to a color, no to white. Close, though. Try again.” He’d always been a visual learner, so maybe it made sense that this was easier when he was picturing it like looking at himself on a TV screen. Like a video game or something. He imagined himself stuffing the color-cloud into a front hoodie pocket to keep it hidden and safe, then worked on drawing himself away from Neil’s mind. It was a weird sensation and he ended up leaning back a bit in the real world too.
"You're either very good at this or you're bluffing," Neil muttered and then he didn't feel a damn thing, no image, no words except for his own. He narrowed his eyes, not missing the fact that this seemed to happen when Carson leaned back. Maybe he was just projecting and pushing Carson's thoughts away, or maybe Carson was really good at this and Neil was going to feel like an ass trying to succeed and failing. Like he was lesser, yet again. "Did you feel that?"
“I’m not bluffing, dude,” Carson said with a soft laugh that sounded kind of pleased. Of all the shit that was going wrong lately, it was nice to find something he didn’t completely suck at. Especially since he needed so badly now. He opened his eyes and blinked at Neil, arching an eyebrow. “Did I feel what?” Carson lost his concentration on his mental avatar, a wave of gray washing over his mind before it faded into the rest of his thoughts. This was going to take practice to keep up all the time.
"Gray!" Neil said triumphantly, his voice sharper and louder than it normally was. It startled him, that rush of competitiveness, so he laughed a little and shook his head. "You pulled back when you leaned back," he explained, his face a little flushed. Losing control was embarrassing, even if it was a joyful thing. "Your thoughts, I mean. It was like a connection breaking, maybe I imagined it." Carson had leaned back after all, it was body language and that could easily put ideas into a man's head, or so Neil imagined.
The laugh surprised Carson more than a little and he grinned back reflexively. He thought that was the first time he’d seen Neil really smile, much less laugh, and he felt kind of triumphant himself to be a part of it. It really lit up his whole face, Carson thought he should do it more often, but that was so hard to say to other men ... and something told him Neil wouldn’t take it gracefully. “Oh man, I didn’t even notice leaning back,” he said, chuckling a bit. “But that’s interesting. I was trying to pull back, so I’m glad it worked. What were you like ... seeing or hearing or whatever? While I was hiding the color?”
Neil pursed his lips as he thought about it, relieved Carson didn't call out his extreme reaction in some way. "It was like a painting, or a picture, just you standing with your back turned to me. Like you were hiding something. I'm guessing the color. It was all I got and then it was gone - when you leaned back." If that was what it took to keep their thoughts hidden then they were in trouble. Projecting a false image to hide another was a lot of work and they obviously couldn't constantly do that. It was a start though and Neil could feel it. If they recognized the channel between them, maybe it would be easier to avoid it in the future.
Carson thought maybe if they got into the habit of shielding themselves from each other, it would just get easier. Everything with practice, like Neil said. He grunted and nodded a bit at the description, thinking it was interesting it seemed like a video game in his brain and translated into a painting in Neil’s. Huh. This was kind of fun, and it was distracting from all the heavy darkness he’d been under lately, so he was game to keep practicing. “Okay your turn again,” he said. “Try to hide one from me.”
Neil's smile faded, both from the concentration of it but also because it felt like pressure to have to perform something, to do as well as Carson did. He immediately thought of purple but somehow he knew he had broadcasted that load and clear, maybe not the color itself but the word. "That's not it," he mumbled, shaking his head as he tried to focus. A blank sheet that he could pull away from Carson and hold close to his chest. It was green again he realized, people usually didn't do the same color again so it felt a bit like a trick. Green but a different shade, lighter and no, now it wanted to be red. Why were thoughts so damn chaotic? He hated that he didn't have better control over his mind. Green, green, green but not for Carson to know. It was hard, knowing there was a channel between them and he didn't know how it worked. The green was on the side of the sheet that faced him, all Carson would see if it wasn't a thought was Neil holding a piece of paper. Green. He was thinking the word too much and he shook his head in frustration. "This is harder than I thought."
Carson watched Neil’s face through the process, wondering idly if he’d made that many expressions of consternation when he’d been trying too. There were parts of Neil’s thoughts that he didn’t hear, but some of it got through loud and clear. He got a vague flash of a piece of notebook paper in hands, but most of what he got through the connection was words. “It’s okay, just relax,” he offered. “I’m hearing a lot of words, maybe try to think more in pictures?” It had worked for him, after all, but maybe he was just better at visualizing things than Neil was. The librarian was obviously a wordy guy. It was so interesting to see how another person thought, now that they were trying to do it on purpose. “Is it ... red?”
"No," Neil muttered. "Well, it was for a brief moment but that was not my intended color, just a... a glitch." He was still frowning, unsure if he even was thinking about a color anymore or if he was just thinking about how hard it was to picture a color and yet keep it a secret. Think in pictures Carson said and Neil was trying. He imagined a brick wall between them and how he set his page - now a canvas - of lime green up against the brick wall. It was such a camera view he wasn't sure how he was supposed to keep Carson's view on the other side of it.
Carson got the impression of more red -- a brick color this time -- but then it solidified into a wall. Whatever Neil was doing, it was working. It felt so strange, but kind of intuitive at the same time, and he felt a bit of hope growing that they could learn to control this. That he was going to be safe. “Yeah, I dunno man,” Carson said after a moment of trying to mentally poke around ... but not too intrusively. “I’m not getting anything. Just like ... a wall.” He grinned a little, because that was the goal, after all.
"Really?" Neil asked, both surprised and delighted by it. "Maybe we can find a way to... place a wall and keep it there." It sounded like some weird exercise from kindergarten, build a little brick wall, paint pretty little colors on a canvas. It would be laughable if he wasn't so excited about it. "I suppose if we can control this then it wouldn't be a bad thing - being able to reach out to people without a cell phone." As long as AIR didn't find out about it, if they did they'd all be taken away, experimented on. Neil couldn't let himself think about that or he'd fall down the rabbit hole of worry yet again.
“Really really,” Carson confirmed with a little chuckle. “That would be ideal, if we can’t like, get rid of it completely yet.” He didn’t know if it was a side effect of Jane’s meddling in their dreams or something the monster had inflicted on them or something completely else, so Carson had no clue what might solve it. If he didn’t have so many terrible and weird secrets to keep, he might not have minded so much. But as it was, he didn’t want to inflict his brain on anyone. “Maybe we’ll need it later or something, but for now ... we should probably all get together and practice too, I wonder if it’d be harder with multiple people, or the same.”
Group activities did not appeal to Neil at all and he winced a little at the thought of getting together with everyone to do this. Carson was right though - as was Jane - it needed to be dealt with. "I have something else I want to talk to you about," he said a bit reluctantly. "And... Maybe we could talk in your car? Just... It's a sensitive matter." He still couldn't shake the feeling that maybe his home was bugged. It would sound like something the paranoid ramblings of a lunatic if he tried to explain but Carson's car was more likely to be safe than his own.
Carson looked surprised when Neil said there was something else, and his brows lifted even further when Neil mentioned the car. His car specifically. He caught a fleeting thought about being paranoid about bugging, and that really piqued his interest. Maybe he wasn’t the only one with extraneous secrets. “Uh ... well, I walked, so it’s halfway across the complex, but sure, if you wanna walk back there,” he offered, a bit apologetically. It wasn’t a far walk, but Carson knew not everybody liked to exercise the way he did.
Of course he had walked, even Neil wouldn't take his car just to get to the other end of the complex but it was still disappointing to hear. It was cold outside and so cozy and warm inside. "I guess we can talk in the parking lot," he said, since by the time they reached Carson's car Neil might have already asked him everything he needed to ask. It wasn't much, unless Carson had a million questions. It felt a little silly now, if AIR was really watching they already knew what they were all up to but it just didn't seem right to put Carson at risk. Of course mentioning here, where they might hear him, that he wanted to talk to Carson secretly might already be putting him at risk and Neil had already fucked up there. He groaned quietly and pinched his nose, trying to still his mind. He did not feel particularly smart right now but then he had never signed up for this. "You know what. I think... We'll just talk here." He sounded a little defeated but that was in fact how he felt.
There were a lot of thought-snippets coming through, but Carson was trying not to listen. He felt like he was eavesdropping on a one-person conversation that was super private and strange and a little worrying. Not that he was going to call Neil out or ask questions about his thoughts or anything. God knew his own internal monologue was a constant mess. “You sure?” he asked quietly, still looking curious. “We can step out ... or talk in the bathroom with the shower running or something.” That seemed to work in TV shows and movies, right? Or we could just talk here, he added inside of his head as the thought occurred to him. Carson tried to project it a bit, make it audible. Who needed to leave the room when you didn’t even have to talk out loud?
Neil went wide eyed as he heard Carson's voice inside his own head and that was a sensation he would never get used to. "Oh," he said quietly, then clamped his mouth shut as he tried to project words back. They could do it with pictures, this shouldn't be harder than that. It was smart and he was honestly a fool for not thinking of it, though in his defense he really was trying to separate himself from all this madness. He furrowed his brows as he considered how to start this, unprepared and especially so since the conversation wasn't taking place the way he expected it to. In the end he sent a picture of the AIR facility, or some rough approximation of the place, complete with the American Institute of Research sign outside. Do you know this place? he asked Carson through his thoughts, watching him intently for his reaction.
Carson knew it was possible that Neil would veto that, seeing as how they were trying to learn how not to hear each other ... but it was pretty damn handy. Don’t want to be heard? Don’t talk. Simple. He waited until an image came into his mind that wasn’t his own thought. It was a building with a sign, the words on the latter kind of swirly and unclear for the first second or two. American Institute of Research ... it didn’t ring a bell. He concentrated for a couple of minutes, trying to figure out if it was familiar at all, but it wasn’t. His memory was tricky sometimes, but Carson was pretty sure that wasn’t anywhere in there. No, he thought back to Neil. Never seen it before, I don’t think. What is it?
Neil hadn't expected him to know it and he wasn't sure if he should be relieved or disappointed. He knew even less about whether he should be disclosing everything to Carson or not, he and Jane hadn't exactly discussed all the details of their dumb mission. This is AIR he told Carson, as clear as he could through thoughts. He couldn't be sure everything was getting through but he sort of felt like it was, at least Carson was answering. They experiment on people, Jane and I think they might be involved with what happened to us.
It was interesting, because there seemed to be more understanding underneath the words themselves, even if it wasn’t incredibly clear. He could just tell that there was a lot of pain and confusion surrounding AIR for Neil. And lots of others too, it sounded like. And they’re still doing this? Experimenting on people? Carson asked. His sense of shock was growing as understanding started to settle in. From the snippets he was gathering from Neil’s stray thoughts -- and that seemed easier now too, like the connection strengthened the more they used it -- it seemed like something out of a horror movie. They might have something to do with the dreams?
Neil nodded, then shook his head, shrugged. He wasn't sure about any of this. Someone is rebuilding. He couldn't get into all of that, his thoughts were getting chaotic with it all but he sent Carson an image of the fire, more imagined than an actual memory. At best it was a memory of a memory, a reimagining of something he had tried to block out so much. "People go missing," he whispered before thinking it through but it really didn't matter now did it. "Do you know anyone who's disappeared? Family, friend...?"
Carson thought he was at least getting the gist of it. Evil medical experiments on people -- kids, even -- in the name of ‘research,’ and then the destruction of the building by fire, and now ... they were starting up again? Fuck. It did sound like a horror movie. He tried to focus on Neil’s questions instead of the dozens that were blooming in his own head, his brow furrowed again. “No,” he started, then corrected himself. “I mean, everybody in this town knows somebody. I remember a couple kids from back in school ... but nobody close to me, no.” Carson hardly realized they’d switched back to voices instead of thoughts. “They what, kidnapped you? For how long?”
"I don't remember much about it," Neil replied and he had given up on keeping it quiet and secret now. If they were listening, they already knew what they were up to and what they were capable of and he was so tired. "Just snippets here and there, blurry faces... But I was gone for almost two years." Plenty of time for them to realize he didn't have any special gifts and yet they hadn't let him go. Jane's words were sinking in and making him feel miserable about it all. Had he really suppressed something? Was he perhaps responsible for the madness that had taken over his life lately? He couldn't imagine how or why it would happen now but then there had been a lot of pressure lately, far more than in the recent years. "We thought maybe it was all related but so far I can't find any connections."
Two years, fuck. Carson had heard a lot of personal stories of tragedy and loss and perseverance from his small touring career as a speaker, but he didn’t think he’d ever talked to anyone who’d been kidnapped as a child before. It made him feel like he understood Neil’s neuroses a lot better, that was for sure. Carson kind of wanted to hug him, but doubted that would be welcome at the moment. No hugs, no pity. “If it is, I don’t see the connections either,” Carson said. “But that doesn’t mean much, I guess. ... wait, and Jane? She was in that place too?” That particular connection had just clicked into place. He barely knew Jane, of course, but they hadn’t seemed like the type of people to actually be friends.
Neil would have laughed at the idea that he and Jane were friends, but then he wasn't really in the mindset to actually laugh at anything right now. "She was, yes," he said. "We didn't meet often but she'd come to my dreams and... She was a nuisance then even more than she's a nuisance now. Kids, you know." It was so strange to talk about it out loud with anyone after all these years of silence and if he'd had to guess, he never would have thought Carson Durand, gym rat and ex army something something would be the one. "We swore we would never talk about it but now she's adamant about finding answers, finding out if they're still doing this since that building is being restored. I don't know what she thinks she can achieve but I owe her now so I'm... helping. I guess."
It was all fascinating and horrible at the same time. If it hadn’t been presented to him in this personal way, Carson might not have believed it was true. But Neil seemed absolutely sincere, and Carson did feel like it made a lot of things make sense. “She probably wants to achieve saving other kids from going through the same shit, if possible,” he offered. That was what he would’ve been doing if he was Jane, at least. “I dunno if it is connected, or what I can do, but ... if you need help, I wanna do what I can.” They were all connected now for whatever kind of reason. Carson didn’t understand it, but he was inclined to think it wasn’t meaningless. “And I can’t speak for him, but I bet Nic would help too. You got support, is what I mean, you know?”
"Thank you," Neil said, even as guilt consumed him both for involving someone who had clearly nothing to do with it, and the thought that the missing little girl might be going through the same shit he had been put through so many years ago. Here he was, ignoring it and doing nothing about it. "She's gathering a ragtag crew of sorts, colorful characters. I'm not even sure if I'd feel better or worse if I knew any of them could really do something incredible or not. On one hand it'd be good to have a real life superhero on our side to protect us but at the same time that would mean there was a person with unchecked powers loose in the world." He closed his eyes for a second and shook his head. It was all too much, but right now, what were they going to do once they found out who worked at AIR? Dream them to death? Just thinking about where they might take this brought on a whole new slew of panicked thoughts. Opening up to Carson hadn't been in the cards but it felt kind of good-bad to actually voice his worries, even if doing so didn't solve a thing.
Carson couldn’t help but let out a dark chuckle. “There’s all kinda things with unchecked powers loose in the world, I think,” he murmured. It was terrifying, but true. If it wasn’t for a mixture of good luck and the kindness of Vex and Lem, he would be one of those unchecked powers once a month. Unchecked monster, whatever. Carson could hear parts of Neil’s continued freak out in his head, but wasn’t sure how to redirect him. From what he understood, it was a big problem, and Carson knew better than most how daunting those could be. “But the offer still stands, just ... let me know if you need anything. Or if you like ... get into trouble ... y’know, yell.” He tapped the side of his temple. He had no idea what he would do about it if some shady secret organization snatched Neil up some day, but he would try to do something, that was for sure.
"That-" Neil tapped his temple in turn. "Would come in very handy if something does happen to us." If they didn't find a way to block him. Neil suspected they were way ahead of them with strange powers since they had already sold someone off. Maybe there were people working for the facility who had gifts of their own. Like a bad sci-fi TV show or something. In any case, there was always that 'if' and it was honestly exhausting. He'd been afraid for so long and dreading something that never came was exhausting enough that sometimes he almost wished they would come and take him away. Get it over with. "Thank you," he said belatedly. "For listening and... for offering help."
Carson was tempted to say that Neil would’ve done the same for him, but he wasn’t honestly sure that was the case. That was okay. Carson had a lot to pay forward, maybe Neil didn’t, or couldn’t. “You’re welcome,” he said with sincerity. “Sorry I can’t actually help more. Not that I wish that the same happened to me as a kid, but ... y’know.” He gave an awkward little shrug. “Wish I knew more helpful shit.” That counted for pretty much everything going on his life, if he was being honest. He didn’t know any helpful shit about the dream monster, about their telepathy, about Neil’s kidnappers, about his own werewolfism ... though there was a part of that last one that Carson wished he didn’t know anymore. Carson set his tea cup down and rubbed his hands on his knees. “Anything else I should know?”
"No," Neil said though he was still thinking about it, going over it in his head to see if he was forgetting something. Carson didn't need to be part of this crazy plan they had, Neil wasn't even participating in that - the surveillance, the dream-assault. "I did want to ask you if you could talk to Jules, ask her if she has any connections to the facility that she knows of, anything at all." He didn't get into why he wanted Carson to do it, he honestly thought he was just better at talking to people in general and Neil absolutely did not want to talk to her.
He didn’t even need to explain, Carson already understood. He’d been the one who’d talked to Jules the most. In fact, she’d come to him directly about the telepathy stuff. He didn’t honestly think that Nic and Neil were perverts, but he felt more comfortable if he was the one talking to her. Maybe it was his work with the public, or living with Rylee or ... something. In any case, he didn’t mind. “Yeah, I’ll talk to her and let you know,” he promised. Carson stood up, pretty sure that Neil would want him to clear out quickly. “Stay in touch about it, okay?”
"Of course," Neil said hurriedly and got up as well. "If you need to - I suppose I should tell you who else is involved in case something goes wrong. There's Jane, of course, then there are Nic's neighbors on Ludlow. Vex and Lem?" The names were still weird to him and saying them out loud felt wrong somehow, like he wasn't getting them right. "So if I sent you a panicked mind message you know who to talk to." The last was an attempted joke but it was too real to be funny and he just hoped it would never come to that.
Carson couldn’t stop the look of startled surprise that crossed his face ... though he probably shouldn’t have been surprised at all that Vex and Lem were involved in some other crazy shit. He did his best to shield any thoughts of cages and full moons, thinking of that brick wall again. “I uh ... I kinda know them, so ... yeah,” he admitted. It would probably all come to light, that was feeling more and more like an inevitability, but Carson didn’t want to get into it all today. Hopefully not for a long time. He gave Neil a nod, feeling a little more unsettled now, and ready to go.
There was a very brief image of Vex's face that didn't belong to Neil, the man had been wearing glasses when he met him and in this image he wasn't. It also didn't feel like his own thought but it was such a brief and odd glimpse that he didn't think much of it. Even if Vex looked concerned and curious, leaning in and watching. It didn't mean anything, it was a small town, Carson knew Nic, Nic knew Lem and Vex. It was the brick wall that got his attention and he smiled faintly at Carson. "You're hiding something," he said though he wasn't trying to press for details and he quickly shook his head, waving his hands dismissively. "It's none of my business, I'm sorry.”
His back felt a little more stiff when Neil called him out on hiding something, but the other man was quick to back off. Carson just hoped this wouldn’t make him more suspicious and prompt some digging or anything. “It’s okay, but yeah, it’s private,” Carson said, a bit of an edge in his voice. Maybe he was into the girl or something. Or Rylee was into Nic. That was the thought Carson tried to shove forward, like draping a blanket over the wall. Better it seem petty than like anything important. “I’ll talk to you soon though, okay?” he added, starting to head toward the door.
Neil nodded, unable to shake the feeling that he should have shut up about spotting the secrecy in Carson's mind. This was all such a mess and they were treading on shaky ground with this telepathy thing. "Thank you again," he said as he followed Carson to the door. Jane would probably want them to practice more but he honestly didn't really want to. For now he'd work on this alone, try to work on keeping a wall up and see if that wall could block out unwanted stray thoughts from the others.