Who: Sebastian and Jules Where: Jules’s House When: Evening, Wednesday, Dec 13th Status: Complete
Though the days were shorter as they moved into winter, Sebastian felt like they lasted forever. School was spent worrying that he’d run into Hunter, that he’d have to pass him in the hall or see him at his locker. He found himself taking alternate routes to class, just to ensure they wouldn’t cross paths. Everyone knew about them, just as he’d predicted, but they’d stopped asking intrusive questions when he’d refused to answer even the simple ones. They broke up, that was all they needed to know, and he didn’t want to talk about it. That didn’t stop him from thinking about it though.
He’d torn himself apart, looked at their relationship backwards and forwards, all the pieces instead of the whole, and all it did was making him feel like a bigger idiot. He’d over-committed at every possible instance, been way more invested than he ever should have been, especially considering how long they’d been dating. None of that was Hunter’s fault. But he’d thought all those feelings had been returned and that was where the pain was starting to twist into bitterness. He’d meant every word he’d said. He might have been a fool for believing Hunter felt the same way, but he’d also been led to believe his feelings for returned. There had to be some blame on that end, even if he was having a hard time seeing it.
The hardest part of the breakup was that Sebastian didn’t know how to move past it. If he could speed it up, he would have, left the whole thing behind and start anew. It followed him wherever he went, though it felt worst in the house, when he was left alone with his thoughts. He had to get out, even though it was dark, and he pulled on his coat to step out into the street as the snow fell around him. The fresh air helped, as did the cold, creating a kind of numbness that he knew couldn’t last. He walked until he found himself standing in front of Jules’ house, where he pulled out his phone and impulsively texted her. Are you home? he sent, then before she could respond he sent another. Can I come up?
Jules had heard about Sebastian and Hunter, of course. The whole school had. But she had been a bit absorbed in her own stuff, trying to comprehend the fact that she was sharing some creepy psychic ability with three men she barely knew. She had spent almost all day trying to keep her mind blank in case they could hear her thoughts, even though she didn't know the details like proximity and all that. Jules had avoided having any real conversations with her friends and had only focused on classwork, since they had finals coming up and she was woefully unprepared for them.
She was home and in her room, trying to study but also becoming increasingly distracted by social media and texting Jasper when she got Bash's text. It was then she felt like a neglectful friend and she quickly typed in a response as she climbed off her bed to walk over her bedroom door. yeah i'm here. just knock. mom will let you up! Her mother still liked Sebastian, and probably still hoped the gay thing was a 'phase', so she didn't think it would be a problem that Bash was here this late. Jules pulled open the door and shouted down the hall towards the stairs. "Mom, Bash is here! Let him in!"
Sebastian didn’t mind Jules’s mom, but he generally tried to avoid her step-dad, so he was glad she sent her mom to let him in. He faked a smile as they exchanged a few pleasantries, then headed on up to Jules’s room afterwards. Even though she was expecting him, Sebastian knocked before pushing the door open. “Hey,” he said stepping inside, then pushing the door closed behind him. If her mother wanted to bitch at them for having the door closed she could, but nothing was going to happen and she should know that by now. “Sorry for just dropping by. I was out walking, and…” I didn’t want to go home. alone. Sebastian ran his hand over his head and tugged off his cap, snow still clinging to the fabric. “What are you up to?”
“It’s totally fine. I’m glad you came by, actually.” Jules shoved her books and notebook off to the side so he could come sit on her bed if he wanted to. "I was just trying to study, I guess, but it's hard to concentrate." She had some college applications to fill out too, something she probably should have already done but Jules had been a bit preoccupied with stuff. She motioned Sebastian over to sit with her. "How are you doing?" Probably not too great. Breakups sucked and she knew it had to suck ten times worse for Bash, given Hunter was his first real boyfriend, and probably the reason he came out publicly. Ugh, boys were the worst, honestly.
Sebastian could relate to being unable to concentrate. It felt like every time he tried to study, his mind began to drift or he found himself falling asleep. It wasn’t a great place to be in with finals looming ahead of them, but he was doing the best he could. At her invitation, he toed off his shoes, then moved to join her on the bed, shedding his jacket along the way. “Not great,” he said. “Life pretty much sucks right now.” Maybe that was a given, but he hadn’t been willing to talk about it with that many people. It felt like an admission of weakness. All the other guys he knew seemed to hold it together after a breakup, so he should be capable of doing the same.
Jules nodded and scooted over for him. She knew how she had felt when Bash broke up with her, though it probably didn't feel as bad as Bash felt now, or as bad she would feel if Jasper dumped her. Not that she was worried about that. "I'm sorry," she murmured. It was instinctual to want to say that Hunter sucked, but Bash probably didn't want anyone disparaging. If anyone was allowed to say Hunter was an asshole, it was Bash. "Did he say why?" she asked. Jules had heard plenty of rumors but she knew how most were lies. She hadn't had time at school to corner Bash and ask what had happened, but school wasn't the best place to talk about things like that. People were always listening.
It was probably for the best that Jules hadn’t tried to talk to Sebastian about this at school. He would’ve felt compelled to blow her off just to save face, when it was the time and place that were an issue, not the person asking. “Yeah,” he sighed. “He’s not happy anymore. Too much drama. Too much work. Too much… of everything. Like, he knew me coming out wasn’t going to be all sunshine and rainbows, but I don’t think he was prepared for how hard it might be. And the thing is, it’s not even that bad. It could have been so much worse, you know? But now it feels like it was all for nothing.” He knew intrinsically that wasn’t the case, that he’d have had to come out eventually if he ever wanted to really be happy, but it felt like doing so had doomed their relationship when it should have been the opposite.
"No, it wasn't all for nothing," Jules said. "Your feelings for Hunter at least helped you accept like, who you are, right? You felt comfortable enough to tell people and come out. That's a huge deal." Maybe it was all wasted on the wrong person, but she was sure Sebastian would find someone else. Someone better. College was just around the corner. "But I know it doesn't feel great now and it sucks. Some guys just... want fun, and none of the like...the feelings." Jasper had been like that initially, but so had she. Sometimes it worked out and sometimes it didn't.
Sebastian found himself reluctantly nodding, sure Jules was right, even though he didn’t feel good about it right now. Things might’ve been easier if he was still in the closet, but now he could be himself. There was no more lying, no more secrets. No more pretending to be something he wasn’t. “I was like that before him,” he cringed, expression turning apologetic. “I know I said I was sorry, but I— I really didn’t realize how shitty this felt. And we weren’t even serious. Or having that much fun,” he added with just a hint of amusement. He suspected it would have been worse if they’d been sleeping together, but he’d been too worried that fooling around with a girl would either out him or humiliate him.
Jules gave him a small smile and shrugged softly, not wanting him to think she had been this heartbroken when he broke up with her. Maybe at the time it had felt really bad, but that had been more about her insecurities, and feeling like she had disappointed her mom somehow, not to mention how it looked to all of their friends. "We had fun," Jules corrected, nudging his arm gently. "Just not, you know, the physical kind of fun. And I think we're like, at a much better place now being friends. Being dumped always hurts, Bash. And I doubt Hunter feels great about it. Is he really moving back to Portland?" She had heard something like that in English class, but Jules had no clue how true it was.
He had to agree with her, they were much better at being friends. It was what made him feel bad about ever leading her on, though he wondered if they’d be near as close if they hadn’t dated first. “Yeah, his mom’s getting a divorce and he wants to be there for her. Part of the reason he came out here in the first place was she married this homophobic asshole, so now he can go back. I think things were better for him back there.” He didn’t have to deal with boyfriends that hadn’t come out and teammates that were uncomfortable. Sebastian didn’t really blame him for wanting to go; it was the part where his feelings had disappeared that hurt. “I just don’t get it. How do you suddenly stop liking someone if they didn’t do anything wrong?”
Jules didn't really have the right answer for that. Or the answer Bash would want to hear. She had gone through phases before too. Dating boys she found herself infatuated with and then waking up one day and realizing those feelings had started to disappear. She supposed that was more lust than anything, because Jules was sure she had never been in love before Jasper. "I doubt he's just stopped liking you," Jules said. "You guys went through a lot. But maybe he just isn't ready for something so serious so fast, you know? And if he misses home and wants to be with his mom to help her out, long distance can be hard. Maybe he's just trying to make it easier on you both by cutting ties so severely." She couldn't speak for Hunter, she could only guess at this point. "And next year we'll be in college, and Hunter would have been off doing his thing, and you would have been off doing yours..." She took his hand and squeezed it. "You deserve someone really great."
While he hadn’t thought so at the time, Sebastian was now certain that they’d been too serious too fast. That they’d talked about going to college together felt insane now, so he didn’t even mention it for fear that Jules would think he’d been delusional. Maybe he had been. Whatever the case, Sebastian decided he wouldn’t let it happen again. He’d take things slow and do a better job of guarding his heart. If he lowered his expectations, then maybe it wouldn’t hurt so much if things didn’t work out. “Thanks,” he said, giving her a small smile as he squeezed her hand back. “It’s like… college seems so close and yet so far. Like, I know there’ll be more guys there for me to meet, which is kind of exciting, I guess. But then… this is gonna make me sound lame, but I’m really bummed that I won’t have a date to prom,” he laughed sadly. It was stupid, and felt so superficial, but it was also easier to focus on than the fact that Hunter didn’t love him anymore.
Jules wouldn't have thought Sebastian was delusional. Wasn't first love supposed to be a powerful thing? And it seemed like Bash had definitely fallen really hard, really fast. "That's not lame," she said with a small smile. "Prom is like five months away. Who knows what will happen before then." Jules knew she would absolutely die if she didn't have a date to prom. But... at the same time, she doubted that would ever happen, even if she and Jasper had broken up for some reason. It was harder for Bash, obviously. There weren't as many options. She grasped his hand with both of hers now, bouncing lightly on her mattress eagerly. "You're going to come to my party Saturday night, right? I'll make sure Hunter isn't there, and we'll drink and have fun and just say fuck it to everything."
A lot could happen in five months, but even if Sebastian could manage to pull his life back together, he doubted there would suddenly be some new, hot gay guys for him to meet. He had such conflicting feelings on the matter anyways—he was depressed about losing Hunter, desperately wanted proof that he wouldn’t be alone forever, and yet dreaded opening up to another person. He’d been in a good place when he’d met Hunter, ready for a relationship even though he was in the closet. Now he was the opposite. But he had friends around to distract him and Jules was the best at that, second to Greg. “You’re having a party?” he asked. Her enthusiasm was contagious and he found himself smiling back at her. “Can I play bartender?”
Jules nodded. "My mom and stepdad are going to Charleston for the weekend, so why not, right? And yeah, you can totally play bartender." She had been telling people about the party, but she could understand why Sebastian might have been too distracted to pay much attention. "It'll be a lot of fun, I promise." And she would make sure Sebastian had fun, or at least drank enough to forget about Hunter for a while. She couldn't guarantee there wouldn't be any couples there, or making out, but she was sure he would be okay. "How long can you stay?" she asked, picking up her phone to check the time. "Do you want to hang out and watch a movie?" Jules wished she had pot to offer, but that had been gone for a while now and she kept forgetting to ask Jasper for more.
While he wasn’t in the mood for a party now, Sebastian hoped it might cheer him up a little. Drinking and hanging out with friends was better than sitting at home and wallowing. Plus, Jules always threw a good party. “I could watch a movie,” he said with a small smile. No one was going to protest him hanging out at Jules’s house, though he should probably at least send a text to his mom and let her know that’s where he was. It was too bad she didn’t have some pot, as he would’ve jumped at the opportunity to get high right then, but maybe they could score some at the party. “What’re you thinking?” he asked. “Just no rom-coms. I can’t right now.” Normally he enjoyed them, but he wasn’t in the mood to see people happily in love if he was being given a choice.
"No rom coms," Jules promised with a soft laugh as she scooted to the edge of the bed to grab her television remote from her dresser. "We can find something to watch on Netflix or whatever. No horror either, if you don't mind. Maybe something funny?" And if they couldn't find a movie they could always watch a television show. Jules returned to the bed and sat with her back against her pillows. Her mom wouldn't care if Bash stayed for a while. He wasn't Jasper, and nothing was going to happen other than the two of them staring at her television for a bit. If it helped him even a little, Jules certainly didn't mind putting off her homework.
“I could do a comedy,” Sebastian smiled, the moved so he was sitting beside her on the bed, facing the television. He really should be working on homework and studying for finals, but it was a waste of time if he couldn’t focus. He’d be better off there, hanging out with a friend, and would just have to cram later in the week and through the weekend, preferably on Saturday, before the party rather than after. If the party was any good, and Jules’s parties always were, then Sunday would be spent lazing around, not thinking about school or ex-boyfriends or anything else remotely stressful.