rageandruin (rageandruin) wrote in shadows_rpg, @ 2019-01-28 11:27:00 |
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Entry tags: | #december 2017, caden, caden x roxy, roxy |
Who: Caden and Roxy
When: Saturday, Dec 2nd, morning
Where: home
Status: Complete
On one level, Roxy hated the dreary weather they’d been having. This time of year, she really wished it would just fucking snow and be pretty for a few days, instead of all this rain. On the other hand, it was coming in handy. Bad weather meant the bar was staying pretty busy, and as uncomfortable as her gut felt around Caden nowadays, being busy at work was a welcome distraction. And damn was Roxy in need of a distraction.
She’d texted a bit with Spence, made some tentative plans, even packed some things from the closet into boxes under the guise of cleaning them out. Not that Caden had said anything, if he’d even noticed, but Roxy had a story ready anyway. She’d squirreled away a good bit of cash, just in case she needed it, and she had a tentative plan to leave by the end of the next week. She just wasn’t completely settled on how she was going to do it yet. Mila had volunteered to be there with her when she told Caden, but part of Roxy just wanted to disappear. She honestly wasn’t sure which was more dangerous.
It was all tumbling around in her mind for the millionth time as she woke up late Saturday morning. Roxy shuffled to the bathroom, feeling gross from the late shift the night before. There was another one that night. She currently felt too exhausted to even think about it, but hoped a shower and some coffee and quiet would make her feel a bit more human. Roxy turned the water in the shower on to warm up, stripped, brushed the sleep tangles out of her hair, then stepped in under the hot spray. A little sigh escaped her and she stood there for a while, letting it pound against the back of her neck.
Caden knew Roxy had worked late the night before so he had slipped out of bed earlier without waking her to let her sleep. He ended up making some coffee and drinking it in the kitchen, feeling a bit out of sorts as he had for most of the week, but not entirely sure as to why. It wasn't necessarily a bad feeling he was having, just an odd one. He felt less tense... a bit more mellow, for lack of a better term. At times it was disquieting, and other times, extremely frustrating. But for the most part, he didn't really care. Maybe that was the disquieting part of it all. Caden usually didn't care about anything, but this was different.
He was on his second cup of coffee when he heard Roxy get into the shower. For a brief moment he considered joining her, but after a moment he set his coffee cup down on the counter and decided to start breakfast. It wasn't something he did often, but things had felt a bit strained between them in the past couple of weeks and he wanted to do something nice for her. A small chuckled formed in his throat as he set a pan on the stove to start some eggs. If his brothers saw him now, they would probably be convinced pod people existed.
Roxy took her time in the shower, and the scents from her shampoo and body wash covered up the smell of breakfast cooking until she was out and drying off. She lifted her head, her expression confused. Was that ... bacon and eggs? She dried off faster and slipped into a light cotton robe, letting her damp hair fall down around her shoulders. Roxy made her way out into the kitchen. She hadn’t given much thought as to where Caden was when she’d gotten up and gotten in the shower, but she definitely hadn’t expected him to actually be cooking something. An odd-feeling little smile crossed her face as she watched him for a second, then murmured, “Good morning.”
Caden glanced over his shoulder to see Roxy standing there, fresh from her shower. He smiled, feeling odd himself, but for different reasons. "Morning. Uh, coffee..." He motioned to the coffee maker with the spatula in his hand. "Sorry. Should've asked if there was something else you'd want, but we've got eggs and bacon and I think I can probably manage toast without burning it. Maybe. Sleep okay?" he asked, going back to the pan to make sure he didn't burn the eggs. He vaguely recalled a moment in time when he was younger, when his mom told him that brown eggs were burned eggs. He didn't cook breakfast often, but that sort of stuck in his memory whenever he did.
Caden casually apologizing for not asking for her preferences was almost as strange as seeing him at the stove with a spatula in his hand. For a second, panic tried to rise in the back of Roxy’s throat. Did he know? Had he overheard something or found something in her phone she hadn’t deleted and he was lulling her into a false sense of security? Was he going to kick her ass over breakfast? That wasn’t really Caden’s style, he was more direct than that, so Roxy tried to slow her suddenly-racing heart as she moved toward the coffee maker. “Bacon and eggs is totally fine,” she said softly as she went. “Um ... yeah, more or less. Did you? You’re up early.” Roxy poured herself a mug, tossing a glance or two at Caden’s back.
"Had some strange dreams," he admitted casually, setting the spatula down to check on the bacon. "Kind of a restless night. It's fine." Caden shrugged because no matter what might have happened to his memories, he was still a Lucas, and Lucas men didn't talk shit about their feelings... Aaron probably being the exception to the rule. Caden looked over at her, a small grin playing at his lips. "You can sit if you want. This'll be done in a minute. Sorry if the coffee is too strong. Can never remember how many scoops to use." He shook his head, his grin widening. "We ought to get those fuckin'... what're they called? Keurig things."
Was that another offhanded apology? And he wasn’t shoving the spatula at her and expecting her to take over? Roxy wondered for a brief moment if he was drunk, but Caden was smiling, so that probably wasn’t the case. High, maybe? She took a sip of the coffee and gave him an uncertain little smile back. “It tastes fine,” she said. “... but a Keurig would be nice.” Roxy hadn’t planned on taking the coffee maker when she made her escape, so maybe she could end up getting one for herself later. She went to the fridge to add some cream and sugar into her mug, then went and sat down at the table, unable to stop watching Caden. She felt wary and nervous, but she tried to look as relaxed as she could manage, sipping on her coffee.
He was oblivious to Roxy's uncertainty as he finished up breakfast. After a few minutes he was carrying two plates of food to the table where he set Roxy's down in front of her. Then Caden sat himself and took a bite of the eggs. Not bad. Could probably be better but hopefully he didn't give them food poisoning. Caden looked over at Roxy to see if she was eating and he raised a brow, his fork paused halfway to his mouth. "You okay?" he asked. "You're kind of quiet right now." It wasn't that Roxy was super chatty, but he could feel the tension radiating from her body, like they were fighting or something. Maybe he had done something wrong. Forgotten something, or said something. Caden supposed he would find out if that was the case.
It had crossed Roxy’s mind by that point that maybe Caden was poisoning her, but she quickly dismissed that too. Again, not his style. All of this uncertainty was making her feel tense though, and she hardly tasted her first bite of eggs. They weren’t burnt and didn’t taste weird, so she was mildly impressed. His question made her look at him again, eyebrows raised. That wasn’t Caden’s usual way of asking what her problem was, there was no sighing or eye rolling or tone of ‘what now?’ to it. “Oh ... yeah, I’m okay,” she answered, giving another small smile as she studied him. “Just still kinda tired, and, uh ... a little surprised, ‘cause you don’t usually cook breakfast.” Roxy was usually up before Caden in the first place, was it even possible that he’d gotten up early to make breakfast for her? Was she forgetting something? It wasn’t either of their birthdays, or the day she counted as their anniversary ...
There was the slightest bristle of irritation, mostly because Caden knew she was right. He didn't usually cook breakfast. But... well, he was trying to do shit he didn't usually do. "I know," he said after a moment. "But things have been a bit shit lately so I'm just trying to... uh, make them not so shit?" Caden's brows rose and he chuckled a bit before shrugging. "Plus I was hungry." He paused and looked at her, his grin turning a tad bit sheepish. "I guess I should've asked if that was a good surprise or a bad one. It tastes okay, yeah?"
Things had been shit, Roxy just hadn’t known that Caden had really been aware of how shit they were. Unless he was just talking generally, with the family and all. He tended to ignore the hell out of how shit things were between the two of them. Again she wondered if he’d somehow gotten wind of her plans to leave him ... but actually starting to work on being considerate didn’t seem like how Caden would handle learning that. So Roxy didn’t know what to think. She could only take him at his word for the moment. That smile and him asking for her approval were strange, but Roxy found herself smiling back at him a little easier. “It tastes great, babe,” she told him. After she’d picked up the bacon for a bite, Roxy wiped her fingers off and reached over to give his forearm a little squeeze. “Thank you, by the way. This is nice.”
Caden shrugged one shoulder in response, still not entirely comfortable with being thanked for anything. But he was pleased that she was pleased, since Caden knew he rarely contributed domestic shit to the house. "So we've got the day," he said after taking another bite of his eggs. "Want to get the hell out of this shithole? Drive to Bangor or Portland?" Long drives, both of them, but what else did they have to do? "I figure we should try and find something decent for Amelia for Christmas, considering..." She had spent nine years? wherever she had been. Caden was willing to bet there had been no Christmas there. "I doubt we'd find anything good here."
That voice of paranoia murmured a protest at the idea of being taken somewhere else for anything, that she would just end up dead on the side of the road between here and Bangor or whatever. That he just wanted to get her isolated and away from where people would really look for evidence. Could he really be that calculating? Was this all a farce? God, it was so exhausting. Maybe Caden really did want to do something with her for the day. She’d never known his temper to be the slow-burn kind that led to that kind of pre-meditation, but what if she was wrong? She didn’t really have any good excuse to say no, either. It was very rare Caden wanted to shop with her. And he was talking about doing something nice for Amelia, what if that was sincere? Roxy looked down at her food as she ate a couple more bites and considered. “I guess some shopping in Bangor would be nice,” she said finally, her eyes ticking up to his face again. Roxy smiled faintly. “We should get her like, nine nice little things, to make up for lost time.”
Caden gave that a brief thought before he lifted one shoulder and nodded. "Yeah, that might actually be kind of nice. I really have no fucking clue what a girl her age would even want, or what she might be into. Can't imagine she's had enough time to be into anything yet, but... you'd know better what it was like to be a teenage girl than me," he said with a small grin. "Are you sure you want to go, though? You seem a bit distracted. You feeling okay?" He knew she had been worried about Mila for a while but the miscarriage had happened a few weeks ago by now, so he doubted that was it.
Caden was asking after her wellbeing with seemingly genuine concern again. Roxy couldn’t help but stare at him like she was trying to figure him out for a heartbeat or two. “Yeah, just ... tired, like I said,” Roxy answered, mustering up a faint smile in return. She kind of wanted to ask if he was feeling okay, if he’d hit his head recently or taken some drugs that morning or something, but trying to explain why she was asking would probably lead into a fight. Roxy was suspicious, but she didn’t want to provoke him either. “I’ll just let the coffee settle in and get ready and I’ll perk up.” She lifted her mug and took a sip, still watching Caden over the rim. “We can find her some good stuff, I’m sure. There are some universals with teenage girls ... she needs some stuff of her own in general anyway. ... do you wanna leave soon?”
He had no idea what was universal with teenage girls but he assumed Roxy would. Caden was pretty sure that Gavin wouldn't even know what to get Amelia. He probably wouldn't have known even if Amelia was still nine. "We can go whenever you're ready," he said after a moment. "I'm not in any rush." They didn't have to work and even if Caden decided to stop in the bar, it didn't have to be until later. Maybe getting out of Point Pleasant for awhile would do them both some good. Might as well do it now than try when it started to snow. He had a feeling once the weather really turned, nobody would be leaving for quite some time.
Roxy wasn’t quite thinking that getting out of town would do them good, but ... fuck it. If he’d found out about what was going on between her and Spence, Caden could dispose of her at any time. A helpless sort of feeling settled in her chest. This wasn’t going to end well for her, no matter which way it went, Roxy was pretty certain. Why not get it over with? Pull off the band-aid and let the chips fall. She did her best not to listen to those voices and resolved to text Mila to let her know where they were going and check in periodically. Just in case. Roxy glanced at the clock on the microwave. “Might as well get started,” she said. “Try and beat at least some of the holiday shoppers.” She finished off her coffee and the few bites of breakfast she had left, then got up to start getting ready.
The day went fairly well. Caden was not a big fan of shopping and there were times he found himself a bit impatient with all of the shops and the people. But they managed to find a few things for Amelia, and even Jasper, before driving back toward Point Pleasant. They impulsively stopped for dinner and for once Caden had to admit he wasn't feeling tense or irrationally irritated by, well, anything. Maybe it helped to get out of town every now and then. There was always a cloud hanging over Point Pleasant, but Caden was just now realizing how dark it was. It was dark by the time they got home and carried the bags inside. He was hoping that was enough Christmas shopping for a while.
With their coats and shoes off and their things finally put away, Caden grabbed a beer from the fridge and wandered into the living room to join Roxy. "You wanna watch a movie or something?"
Overall, it had been a weird day for Roxy. She hadn’t even been sure she would make it to the mall in Bangor alive, so it took her a little extra time to really get into shopping mode. Stopping for dinner made her relax some, especially considering the couple of glasses of wine that Caden sprung for and the fact that they actually had a pleasant conversation over their food. The long drive back home kicked her nerves back up a bit, but Roxy managed to keep that under wraps in the car.
And then finally they were home, with everything put away and another drink in their hands and Caden was offering to watch a movie with her. While that happened sometimes when there was something they both wanted to see, the suggestion still threw her a bit off balance. She took a swallow of wine and arched a brow at him. “Sure,” she said. “You wanna pick? Since I dragged you out shopping all day and everything.” Roxy smiled a bit. It had been Caden’s idea in the first place, but she knew how much he didn’t like going.
"You didn't drag me anywhere, I'm the one who suggested it, remember?" He chuckled and shrugged as he went to sit down and pick up the remote to turn on the television. Things might have felt a bit off in his head lately, but Caden wasn't completely oblivious to some of Roxy's behavior. She seemed unsure from time to time, and occasionally distracted. He had no idea if it was because of him, or something else and Caden had to fight provoking it out of her. "Why don't we just pull up Netflix and find something together?" He could compromise. He just hoped she didn't pick one of those mushy chick flicks, otherwise he might be asleep within twenty minutes.
Roxy settled on the couch next to Caden and offered her opinions as they browsed through their options. She wasn’t a huge fan of the mushy chick flicks either -- she was more on the trashy reality TV side of that ‘female’ entertainment spectrum, but she definitely wasn’t going to subject him to that. Roxy knew better. They found something mutually agreeable, a dark comedy movie they’d both forgotten they wanted to see, and started it rolling. As the minutes passed, Roxy ended up tucked against Caden’s side, under his arm, sipping on her wine and pondering the whole day.
What was it that people said, the simplest explanation was almost always right? Could Caden actually be working on his behavior? Or was today some crazy sort of fluke? They fought less when they spent less time together, but they’d been in one another’s company all day, and he hadn’t had a single sharp word for her or an eyeroll. He’d even held her hand in public, which didn’t happen a lot. It had Roxy’s overtaxed mind just racing. And now they were an hour into a movie and Caden hadn’t made any moves on her, which usually happened if it wasn’t something he was just dying to see. It shouldn’t have been, but that part was also weirdly distressing. To test the waters a bit, Roxy snuggled in closer, pushing her breast against Caden’s ribs and letting her hand rest on his lower belly, within nudging distance of his dick.
Caden wasn't really thinking about sex, which probably should have been another red flag that maybe something was wrong. Not with Roxy but with him. He was comfortable with Roxy resting against him, comfortable watching the movie and turning his brain off completely. He was aware of her body pressed against his in a distant sort of way, the kind of familiarity one got used to after being with someone for five years. He rubbed her shoulder absently and took another drink from his beer bottle, simply assuming she just wanted to get closer and more comfortable.
As far as Roxy could tell, it got no reaction out of Caden. Granted, she hadn’t been doing a lot to react to, but still. It seemed like Caden never missed a chance to grope her, at least, especially when he was in a good mood, which he seemed to be. Or maybe she was just being hyper-vigilant and paranoid. To see if that was maybe the case, Roxy waited another couple of minutes, then tilted her face up so she could nuzzle at his neck a little. She could seduce him if she put her mind to it, she knew that much, but she really just wanted to see if he would get the idea ‘on his own.’
Caden's skin tingled where Roxy nuzzled him and he rubbed his hand up and down her arm before looking down at her and giving her a small smile. Consciously he knew that she didn't always appreciate it when he groped her, or just assumed he wanted to fuck her. But he also wasn't really thinking about sex right now, but just relaxing and finishing their movie. It had been a nice day, but a long one, and a part of him was looking forward to just going to bed with Roxy and holding onto her for most of the night. Which yes, he also realized was a bit strange. But it wasn't exactly a bad strange. It had been a long time since Caden had allowed himself to relax this way. Without giving it a lot of thought, Caden went back to watching the movie, bringing the bottle back up to his lips.
Roxy had no idea how to read that little smile of Caden’s before he went back to watching the TV screen. Only when Caden was truly pissed at her did he reject her advances. Or if he was too damn drunk or exhausted, but neither one was the case here. In fact, it was a tactic she’d used for years to defuse his Moods when she could. At the moment, with all the other anxiety churning inside of her, it felt like a personal rejection, and Roxy found herself confused and hurt. Her heart started beating hard, and before she could think it through she was sitting up and grabbing the remote. Roxy paused the movie and looked around at Caden, her lips tight. “Okay, for real, what is going on with you?” she asked, only dimly aware of how crazy that sounded, given how nice and smoothly the whole day had gone. It just wasn’t normal for them. “Are you cheating on me?”
The bottle paused at his lips and Caden could only stare at her until she asked if he was cheating on her. Her face scrunched up in bafflement for a brief moment. "Are you serious right now?" he asked incredulously. "What are you talking about? What do you mean what's 'going on' with me?" There had been a nagging... something in the back of his mind for the last few days, but it was a bit unsettling to have Roxy looking at him that way, like he had done something wrong when he was so fucking sure he'd been doing everything right that day. He lowered the beer bottle and felt his temper simmer, though he didn't feel like it was going to explode. That was new too. "What the hell, Roxy."
For someone with a hot temper of her own, Roxy hated falling into that ‘crazy woman’ stereotype, but she just couldn’t help herself at the moment. Everything had just been so weirdly nice and she felt so on edge, Caden not even taking the opportunity to kiss her made her feel even more jumbled and suspicious. Her cheeks burned, part with emotion and part with shame because she had been the one who cheated, but she couldn’t stop now that she’d started. “Are you popping Xanax or something, then? Is it Oxy? Because you’ve been acting really weird today,” she huffed. “Like ... you made breakfast, all sweet and considerate, you wanted to go shopping, it was your idea to stop for dinner, and then you just wanna couch-snuggle and not even like, make out?” Caden didn’t even look too mad at the moment, which was another weird thing. Her jaw clenched before she added, her voice a bit more strained, “You’re never this nice to me for no reason.”
She was right that he could be an asshole, but still. Caden stared at her, wondering if that was true. He was never nice to her for no reason. The obvious question popped up in his head of why she would still be with him if he was that terrible. But he didn't want to ask because he didn't really want to hear the answer. "So being nice to you is weird. Are you really upset right now because I was nice to you, today? You think because I did all those things I'm cheating on you, or doing drugs." Caden rubbed his thumb against the bridge of his nose, a humorless huff escaping him before he leaned over to set the beer down on the coffee table as he stood. "I don't even know where to begin with all that, Roxy. Except I guess you want me to apologize for not being an asshole all day and expecting sex because I went shopping with you."
That sounded more like her Caden, the incredulous walk-away-from-a-hard-discussion Caden, but there was still something off about it. Something too calm. His response was even more confusing, because if he’d actually been consciously working on his behavior, wouldn’t he jump to his own defense with that? Throw it in her face that he was putting in effort and she was just being a crazy nag? Roxy crossed her arms tightly around herself, her stomach hurting now. “Of course I don’t want you to apologize, I want you to not be an asshole, I just want to know if there’s a reason behind it that I’m missing and need to like ... brace myself for. I’m asking questions, and if you really don’t get why I would, maybe you have some shit to think about, Caden,” she countered.
Caden shook his head, irritated, baffled and a little confused by this entire conversation. "So you don't want me to be an asshole, but when I'm not being an asshole, now I've got some shit to think about. Maybe I decided not to be an asshole today, Roxy. Maybe I wanted to have a good day." He threw his hands up in mild exasperation. "Why don't you tell me what you want from me then, if I fucked this up too." Caden paused and rubbed his hand over his face before looking down at her. "What reason do you think I'd have for just... having a good day with you? If you think there's some ulterior motive... enlighten me. What would that be, exactly?" Did she think he was pissed about something? Caden got pissed off at a lot of things usually, but he never hid that from anyone.
Pressure expanded in Roxy’s chest and she felt on the verge of tears suddenly. She knew that at least some of this was coming from her own stress and anxiety and guilt, but it couldn’t be all of it, right? She honestly couldn’t remember the last time Caden had just oh so innocently wanted a random good day with her where he wasn’t an asshole about anything. He usually behaved better on her birthday and their anniversary and holidays and stuff, but this was just a normal Saturday. They had quiet days, of course, but that usually meant one of them was working or Roxy was continually biting her tongue. If they didn’t have the relationship they did, it would’ve been a great day for her, a day she was thrilled to have. But it was what it was, and now she felt like some ungrateful bitch and she couldn’t even put the right words together to explain herself. Roxy couldn’t tell him part of her had half-expected him to leave her dead in a ditch on the way to Bangor.
“I don’t know!” she cried, visibly frustrated. “That’s why I’m asking! Maybe you’ve been high all day, maybe you’re holding something against me and just waiting for the right time to strike when it would hurt the most, maybe you’ve got a side bitch and it’s mellowing you out ... maybe you did just decide not to be a dick today, but why? It’s not that you fucked anything up, it’s been a great fucking day, it’s just that I don’t understand and that’s so scary for me, but you never understand why or want to change anything and I just don’t know.” Roxy covered her face with both hands and held her breath to keep from crying.
Caden ran his hands over his face, trying not to explode at what was happening. What was that saying? Damned if you do, damned if you don't and now she was emotional and even though he was trying, he still wasn't good with emotional women. He wished he could be like Gavin and just retreat or go blank until they went away. "Roxy, I don't know what you need me to say right now." He lowered his hands, hesitated and then went to sit down beside her. "I'm not... I'm not fucking around and I'm not on drugs, Jesus. I couldn't even begin to tell you what there might be I'm 'holding against you' unless you did something that I don't know about." He sighed and reached out to rub her back but realized she might not want him to touch her, so he brought his hand back to his thigh. "Honestly, you're making me feel like a monster and maybe I am. Maybe I have been. I don't know if I can change that. Maybe I'm trying. I don't fucking know. I'm just tired."
Just the fact that he sat down again next to her was out of character, not to mention what he was saying. Caden never liked to admit to being wrong even in the smallest sense, much less entertain the idea that maybe he was treating her badly. The word ‘monster’ hurt her heart, but honestly ... sometimes he did act like one. Roxy knew just how much he hated it when she cried, so she swallowed all that emotion down as best she could, shoving it into the mental place where she stored the hurt she’d accumulated over the years. There were only a few tears to wipe away when she uncovered her face. “I’m tired too,” Roxy murmured. That was the understatement of the century. She rubbed her palms on her comfy cotton pants and glanced over at Caden’s face. “Do you really want to try, though? To work on things? Because I’ve been ... doing a lot of thinking, lately. About us and ... our future, you know?” She sounded hesitant, but there was a note of hope in there too. If everyday could be like today had been, or at least the majority of days, Roxy had more to think about herself.
It was probably something that shouldn't have surprised him. Roxy thinking. Not thinking in general, but about their 'future'. They had been together so long, and there had been times he thought she would leave. Hell, there were times he thought about leaving. But... Caden didn't really understand what love was, or what it was supposed to be, but he knew Roxy was the closest thing he had to it. Whether that was good enough for her or not, he didn't really know. Again, he didn't want to know, since he was fairly certain he wouldn't like the answer. "What kind of thinking?" Caden finally asked before he huffed out an exasperated sound. "That sounded stupid as fuck, sorry. I just mean...what were you thinking about?"
Thinking about how I might have feelings for someone else and how that makes me scared you might kill both of us but I still somehow love your dumb ass wanted to come tumbling out of her mouth, but Roxy knew that would turn things really Bad. She pressed her lips together and studied his face, her brows knitted closer. There was that ‘sorry’ again. Roxy couldn’t tell if he looked concerned or just Caden-serious, but at least he wasn’t yelling at her to ‘just go then.’ “The kind of thinking where I was starting to make a plan to leave you,” she admitted, slow and quiet. “Things have just ... been so bad. And like, I know with Mila losing the baby, and what happened with Amelia, and your hand ... the outside stuff has been worse. But our inside stuff has been worse too, Caden, and I don’t ... I just don’t know that you want to fix any of it. And I can’t carry it by myself anymore.”
Caden's brows lifted in surprise as he stared at her. She was making a plan to leave? What kind of plan? Why wouldn't she just go if she wanted to go? Caden took a breath and looked away, realizing maybe he shouldn't have been so surprised by any of it, but they usually worked through their shit. Things weren't perfect, but when had things ever been perfect in Caden's life? Or Roxy's? "I didn't fucking know," Caden said, but without malice. There had been a lot going on. Aaron and Mila, and then Reagan Kelly and the accident that fucked up his hand. He looked at her again, brows drawn together thoughtfully. "You were really gonna leave? Do you want to? I mean, do you still?"
It was kind of absurdly funny, that baffled look on his face. It wasn’t, not at all, but he just looked so surprised. Roxy was obviously better at hiding everything from everyone than she’d ever given herself credit for. It was her turn to be baffled and surprised when she didn’t see any hint of anger in his face. He more looked ... concerned. A little bewildered. Roxy stared back at him, apprehension still knotting up her stomach. “I don’t know,” she answered finally. It was the best she could do. The answer probably should have been yes, but now she felt more confused than ever. “That depends on you, I guess. Do you want me to stay? I mean, really want me? Are you willing to work on shit with me?”
Caden couldn't help the small sound of frustration that escaped him and he ran his hand over his short hair again. "Don't do that, Rox. I asked you a question, don't turn it around on me. If you don't know if you want to go or not, my answer shouldn't sway you one way or another. It's your choice, not mine. I'm not gonna say yes and then go about my day thinking the only reason you're still around is because I want you to be. If I didn't want you to be here, do you really think we'd still be together?" He wasn't trying to be difficult, but he felt like Roxy knew him well enough to know Caden didn't do anything he didn't want to do, and he wouldn't be with her if he didn't want to be with her. She seemed to be the one with the doubts now, and so her staying or leaving wasn't up to him anymore.
Frustration with him was at least more familiar and easier to deal with than all the confusion, and Roxy’s lips pressed together at his answer. “No, your opinion does matter,” she said tightly. “So here, let me rephrase -- if things are going to stay the same, with all the fighting and violence and neglect and disconnection, then no, I’m not staying. I’m worn out, Caden. I’m sad all the fucking time, and I can’t do it anymore. But if you actually want to work on shit -- and I’m not saying you’re the only one with shit to work on, I know better than that -- and things can be more like this?” She made a vague gesture around the room to imply the nice day they’d just had. “Then I want to give it a real shot. I love you, and I want to keep loving you, or I would’ve left a long time ago. But you’re gonna have to show me you love me too and put the work in.”
Caden didn't really know how to respond to that in a way that would make her completely happy. He wasn't perfect and he was never going to be perfect. Maybe he could be better, but he didn't know if that was possible either. She was going to expect a lot from him, and he was going to end up disappointing her. It took him a while to respond, mostly because there was always that stubborn wall inside of him that made it difficult to talk about anything remotely resembling emotions. It made him feel open and vulnerable and weak and he hated feeling that way. Knew it opened him up to bad things and pain. But once he felt like he could, Caden nodded. "I can't promise you perfection, Roxy. I'm gonna try, but I'm not... look, parts of me can't be fixed. I'm not going to be like this every day, I don't think anyone can do this every day, not here." He sighed and felt tired all of the sudden, like he just wanted to lay down and sleep. "I don't want you to go," Caden said finally.
It was a painful pause, but Caden was obviously thinking about his response, which was already an improvement. She still had no idea what had gotten into him, but just the fact that this conversation wasn’t devolving into a shouting match said something profound. Roxy knew that Caden’s life had been fucked up from an early age, and that his examples of ‘love’ and marriage had warped his view of them, but she wanted to believe that could be improved in time. She hadn’t been able to love him better throughout the years they’d been together, but Roxy didn’t think he'd been trying, either. Maybe now that she’d had one foot out the door, he would take it seriously. Or he wouldn’t, and this would be the last chance for them. Feeling the lump harden up in her throat again, Roxy turned enough to slip her arms around his ribs, her cheek on his shoulder. “I don’t expect perfection,” she murmured softly. “I’m not perfect either. All I want is for you to try. And I’ll try too, and we’ll ... figure it out together.” They needed therapy, probably, and a lot of it, but Roxy didn’t suggest that yet. She’d already hit him with a lot, and she was tired too.
"I'll try my best, Rox," Caden said, because he didn't know what else to say. He was feeling weirdly out of sorts, not only from the entire day, but from this conversation. Knowing Roxy had been thinking about making plans to leave made him feel a bit oblivious, like he might have come home one day to find all of her shit gone. Would she have even told him before she left? Was he really that much of a monster? A part of Caden wanted to get out of the house for awhile. Go down and have a beer with Aaron or something. But he didn't think ditching Roxy after this kind of conversation would go over very well. It was just that instinctive 'fight or flight' feeling inside of him and he couldn't do either right now. "I'm feeling beat," Caden murmured, reaching over to take her hand in his. "Tired. You going to church tomorrow?"
Had he ever told her he would try his best with their relationship? The way he said it and then took her hand made Roxy’s nose sting. She knew this could all just be bullshit, that it was possibly to placate them both and things would go right back to being awful, but that spark of hope in her chest that they could do better made her want to bawl. Roxy knew that wouldn’t do her any good though, so she tried to swallow it back. Sniffling a tiny bit, she squeezed Caden’s hand. “Yeah, probably,” she murmured. With another stab of guilt, Roxy decided she needed to confess and pray for forgiveness. And strength. She stayed leaned against Caden for another moment, then straightened up to look at him again. “Do you want to just go to bed?”
Caden nodded. "You don't have to go if you aren't tired yet." He was probably going to fall asleep fairly quickly in an effort get shut down his mind for a while. He thought about talking to Gavin about this shit, but he wasn't entirely sure Gavin knew any better what to do than he would. Thinking about Gavin made Caden think of something else and he hesitated before glancing at Roxy. "Random, probably, but how is Mila by the way? I mean, since all that shit happened." He had spoken to Aaron often since then, given they both worked together, but Caden had avoided all conversations that might involve his girlfriend. He couldn't exactly say why, but he figured it had to do with guilt or something akin to it.
Roxy had been about to tell him she would join him when he asked about Mila. Her brow furrowed a bit and she sighed. “She’s ... not great,” she answered honestly. She’d promised not to tell Caden about the tunnel thing and Mila’s problems, but getting cagey on him now wouldn’t be a good move. “I think she’s really struggling since the miscarriage, she’s doing some ... pretty weird stuff. Why do you ask? Has Aaron said anything?” Roxy picked up the remotes to turn everything off, figuring they could take the conversation into the bedroom.
Caden moved to turn off some of the lights as he shook his head. "No, not really. Nothing specific. But he's been a bit... I don't know. Just wondering." He flipped on the porch light and then turned back to Roxy. "What'd you mean she's been doing weird stuff? What kind of weird?" He had no idea if 'weird' was bad or not, or if it would even have anything to do with Reagan Kelly, but now he was curious. Caden didn't know if he would tell Gavin about it or not, but he figured he should at least ask to find out more.
Roxy rubbed at the bridge of her nose as they made their way back toward the bedroom. She didn’t really want to talk about Mila right then, that was a whole other big scary thing that she didn’t feel like she had the emotional energy for. She sighed a bit. “She’s ... something happened to her and Aaron while they were out helping look for Amelia. In the Cooperdale Tunnel. She said they both heard a child crying, like a baby. But of course there wasn’t anything really in there. And now she keeps wanting to go back to it and look,” she explained. Or tried to, anyway. “She tried to get me to go with her, but I talked her out of it, and then she promised me and Aaron both that she wouldn’t try again. So ... that’s the last I heard about it. She’s seemed normal every time I’ve talked to her since then.” In their room, Roxy peeled her shirt off and tossed it into the hamper.
What the fuck. Caden avoided Roxy's gaze as they got ready for bed, but his heart was beating a bit harder in his chest. Did Gavin know what they had experienced? Would Aaron have told him? "That's... definitely weird," he muttered. "Don't go out there. Obviously, you know that, but... if she's gonna go, she's gonna go. Not you." He rarely went out in that direction. Too much bad shit happened out there and given what he knew now about this place, he didn't trust that there wasn't something at the tunnel that fucked with people. The fact that Aaron and Mila had heard a baby crying... no, he didn't like that at all. He nearly went for his phone to text Gavin but decided not to do it with Roxy around.
“Believe me, I didn’t want to,” Roxy muttered as she stripped the rest of her clothes off. She took one of her thin short nightgowns from off of its hook and pulled it down over her head, then climbed into bed. She stayed sitting up for a moment to rub some lotion from her nightstand on her hands and elbows, her expression still fretful. “I’m just ... really worried about her. I don’t think Aaron realized how serious it was, she looked so desperate, begging me to let her go. But we can’t watch her all the time, she’s a grown woman.” She hummed and set her lotion aside.
Caden watched her, feeling the familiar appreciation he always felt when he saw Roxy naked. He also found it mildly irritating that he wasn't even in the mood for sex right now. Not after the talk they'd had, knowing she was aiming to leave him, and probably would have if they hadn't had such a decent day together. Not after hearing Aaron and Mila hearing a baby crying in Cooperdale. It left a sick sort of feeling in his stomach as he slid into bed beside her. His mind was racing with so many things and he wondered if he would even be able to sleep. "I'd say Aaron will take care of her, but... well, it's Aaron," Caden said. "He can barely take care of himself. I can talk to Gav if you think he might be able to help."
She gave a thoughtful, regretful sort of grunt at that -- Roxy had no doubt that Aaron loved Mila, he just was barely equipped to handle adult life, much less something crazy and otherworldly like this. But Roxy couldn’t exactly fault him for not knowing what to do in this case, because she was just as lost. Her lips pursed a bit at the mention of Gavin, and she gave Caden a pained sort of look. “She didn’t even want me to tell you anything, much less Gavin,” she said, shifting around to lie down. Roxy settled on her side facing Caden, her arm tucked under her pillow. “But I don’t know ... if it gets bad enough, it might stop mattering what she wants. I also don’t know what Gavin could do, though. Anymore than we could.”
Caden didn't know if Gavin could do anything either, but he knew people. Caden did too, but probably not the way Gavin did. If something dark was messing with Mila, then surely Gavin could find someone to help. If this was their fault, they ought to do something, right? It was a strange feeling to actually give a shit, but this whole day had been full of strange feelings. "I don't know. Gavin knows plenty, he just never talks about shit," Caden pointed out as he lay down beside her. "Maybe she just needs a psychiatrist, I don't know. But... fuck, someone ought to help Aaron anyway, otherwise who knows what'll happen."
Roxy’s brow furrowed a bit again. She’d never really thought of Gavin as someone who knew anything except construction and how to run a bar. He’d never talked to Roxy much about anything at all, for various reasons. “Maybe, I guess, if you think he could help somehow,” she murmured uncertainly, her eyes on Caden’s profile. “Let me see how she’s doing first though. Maybe this has all blown over.” Roxy didn’t sound too optimistic about that, she knew life tended to go -- when things got shitty, they stayed shitty. Which was part of why she felt so suspect of this shift in Caden. If it was truly a shift and not just a fluke for the day. Maybe she should’ve seriously threatened to leave him years ago. Roxy slid her hand over to rest it lightly on his chest.
Caden nodded, even if he wasn't feeling overly optimistic about that either. Whatever 'magic' was put out there, it was wreaking havoc on things. Unless the tunnel shit was completely unrelated, but what were the odds of Mila losing the baby and then she and Aaron hearing one cry in that place so soon after? Fuck. He covered her hand with his own and closed his eyes, hating the inner turmoil inside of his mind. A part of him was hoping he would wake up in the morning and he'd feel normal again. Whatever normal was. Or maybe he'd have a better view on Roxy and what she wanted to do. Either way, he had a lot to think about and figure out. Hopefully, she'd let him. "Whatever needs done, we'll do," he muttered in the dark. "We'll try anyway."
After a few heartbeats of hesitation, Roxy shifted over in closer to Caden. She moved under his arm so she could rest her head against his upper chest, linking her fingers with his. She knew they wouldn’t stay that way, they only ever fell asleep spooning or apart, but she wanted to be held for a few minutes at least. She didn’t try to say anything more, just closed her eyes and felt Caden breathe. She had no idea how the next few days would go, or even the next morning. She hadn’t planned on talking to Caden like this, especially not tonight. But it was done now, and he hadn’t freaked out on her, so that had to mean something, right? Roxy wasn’t sure how she was going to untangle this mess she’d made with everything, but ... like he’d said, they would try anyway.