Who: Aaron & Gavin Where: Gavin's place, Green Street When: Morning, Sunday 10/29 Status: Complete
Gavin was awake in time to go to church but he couldn't bring himself to go there. The thought of being around the whole parish with everyone staring and pitying him was not appealing at all. Still he felt guilty for not going, as if not going would cause Amelia to be missing longer. If he was good and went to mass God might hear his prayer and bring his girl back. He wasn't even sure that was how it ever worked but there was that old familiar guilt clinging to his innards. He was sober, or just about, as he hadn't had anything since the night before. It wouldn't do to be drunk or stoned if he did end up going to mass but he was craving it. Everything felt raw and too real and even his cigarettes tasted bad. The dogs were sticking close to him and when Rude sat up alert and focused Gavin knew someone was coming over. The dogs didn't stir when Jasper came out of his room anymore, except to go greet him, but visitors were a different story.
Gavin sighed and got up, expecting a knock but he'd barely gotten off the couch when he heard the front door open. Family then. He plopped down again, patting Rude's head as he leaned forward to see who was coming.
Aaron had been doing his best to be helpful to Gavin during this awful time. There wasn’t a lot he could do except go work whenever Caden told him to, but he’d been checking in on his oldest brother fairly often. He’d taken the dogs out for a long walk once or twice, taken the trash out, straightened up the house, that kind of thing. He’d even brought Gavin more booze, though part of him knew he probably shouldn’t. Aaron knew he would’ve been drinking his ass off too. He was already drinking a lot to deal with what he was going through, and he hadn’t lost a daughter. At least not in the same sort of way.
He’d woken up early enough to go to church, showered, dressed, and made his way over to Gavin’s. Aaron wanted to at least offer to take him, if he wanted to go. He felt like they all needed to be praying as much as possible, but he knew Gavin well enough to know he might not want to be around all those people. It was worth a shot though, and Aaron wanted him to know that people were thinking of him. He let himself into the house, quietly shutting the door behind him and heading for the living room where his brother was pretty much living. “Mornin’,” he greeted once he’d entered the room.
Gavin wasn't sure if he was relieved or not that it was Aaron. His little brother was minimal fuss and that was what Gavin needed but he was also feeling guilty and weird about everything that had happened and that made it harder to be around him. They hadn't cleared the air, hadn't had time to do so when Amelia had gone missing and their lives had taken another nosedive.
"Mornin'," he echoed Aaron's greeting quietly, glad he hadn't tacked on 'good' there. Nothing was good lately except maybe sleep when he could get it. He didn't know what else to say because there was nothing to say, no news - neither bad nor good - just waiting.
Aaron knew things weren’t good. For any of them. Amelia was missing, Caden had gotten his fingers cut off by some psycho, Aaron was still mourning the loss of the baby and the crazy trauma from the tunnel. None of them were in good shape. So he wasn’t going to force being chipper, especially not to Gavin. He leaned in the doorway and gazed at his brother for a moment, reaching down to give the dogs a scratch as they trotted up to greet him. “I was thinkin’ about going to mass,” he said to Gavin, doing his best to make it sound casual. “Wanted to see if you wanted to come.”
Gavin nodded, sucking in air through his nose as he considered it again. His nod turned to a shake and he glanced at Aaron a little helplessly. "I think... I might go after mass," he muttered, rubbing his chin as he considered his words. "Light a candle for her in peace." Whether he was lighting a candle for the dead or for hope was still all up in the air but whether she lived or not, Amelia deserved a little light shining her way. "You don't have to wait for me."
That had been one of the possibilities Aaron had run through in his mind, so he wasn’t surprised to hear it at all. He’d gone to mass on Wednesday and been surrounded by people who wanted to offer their condolences and concern and mostly-hollow offers of help. Aaron didn’t mind talking to all those people, for the most part, but he knew that would be a special kind of Hell for Gavin. He was already deep enough in Hell. “I don’t mind,” he said, even if that was intended to be a brush off. He straightened up and headed for the kitchen. “You want a beer?” It was morning, but Aaron didn’t think that mattered right now.
"Yeah," Gavin muttered distractedly and for someone who hated being waited on, he was starting to get used to it. People came and went and he felt like he was barely even there when they did. Charlie brought food and she'd seen him cry now and he couldn't even begin to care if it was embarrassing or not. Nothing mattered and the only reason he was still holding on was the fact he still had another kid who was also falling apart. He didn't move until Aaron came back and then only to accept the bottle from him. "How's Mila doing?" he asked quietly because while he didn't really want to know, he needed to.
Aaron settled down on the couch next to him, taking a sip from the bottle he’d gotten for himself. It was probably fucked up to drink and then go to church, but he figured God would understand if He could see any of what they were all going through. “She’s uh ... not great,” he answered, opting for honesty instead of something smoother. None of them were great, so why lie about it. “She’s all healed up and everything ... but we had somethin’ weird happen in the tunnel that just ... it was kind of a mindfuck.” Aaron took another swig of beer and glanced over at his brother’s face. “How’s Jasper holding up?”
Gavin frowned and he was going to need more details on the tunnels but that could wait for now. As soon as Aaron asked about Jasper he was distracted from his curiosity with a sensation that felt like he was falling. "He's-" he started and trailed off, shaking his head. They had never been a family that was good at sharing emotions and he was really feeling the strain of it now. He had carried his own shit for so long, trying not to inflict it on his siblings - or anyone - but with Amelia gone, everyone was suffering. He worked his lips in silence as he tried to find the words, then drank some of his beer before actually speaking. "He thinks it should have been him instead of her." His lips moved again though it had nothing to do with speaking and more to do with the quiver of the crying that never seemed to leave him for long. Breathing helped and he inhaled deeply before drinking again.
Aaron’s brow furrowed when it took Gavin so long to answer. He had to assume that meant Jasper wasn’t holding up well. Not that he’d expected him to, but it was hard to tell with that kid. Sometimes he seemed hard as steel, sometimes a vulnerability that was all too familiar to Aaron shone through. What Gavin actually said hit Aaron hard in the heart, though. He blew some air out through his lips before he rubbed his hand over his face. “Shit,” he murmured softly. “That’s heavy.” He assumed -- hoped, at least -- that Gavin had argued against that, or tried to console him, or said something to contradict it. Aaron could see a pure, cold logic to it, since Jasper was older and stronger than a nine year old girl, but he was sure that’s not how Jasper had meant it. “It shouldn’t have been either of them. It shouldn’t be anybody, ever.”
Gavin nodded. If it had to be someone it should be him. His kids would be fine without him, better off even, but he wasn't about to say that to Aaron. His brother would feel obligated to argue against it and Gavin was too tired to bicker. "What happened at the tunnel?" he asked instead, warily because he wasn't sure he wanted to know but he also needed to know, like every little thing was a piece of a puzzle.
Aaron hesitated to tell him, because it had been so fucking weird and dark, and he didn’t want to pile more of that on top of Gavin. He probably shouldn’t have mentioned it, but it was too late now. He shrugged a shoulder and took another swig of beer. “We uh ... we were searching it, and heard something in there. A baby crying, at first ... then a kid’s voice as we went deeper in -- not Amelia, it was way too young -- calling for Mommy. It just ... all of the sudden it felt really fucking evil.” His voice was soft and a little unsure as he glanced over at his big brother. “I had to drag Mila out. She didn’t want to leave,” he added even quieter. He could still hear her screaming at him when he thought about it too much, and it put a sick feeling in his stomach.
Gavin listened and he could feel his blood going cold, that chill clutching his spine like something was right behind him, physically sinking steel claws into his body. "This fucking place," he said through gritted teeth. Amelia hadn't gone to the tunnel but something might have come out of there and taken her. Not necessarily the tunnels, there were plenty of foul unnatural things to choose from. Then there were people. At this point Gavin was just hoping she'd died quickly and escaped to somewhere warm and beautiful, a little angel Amelia watching over them. "She's lucky you were there to pull her out," he said then, his voice going quieter.
He agreed, though it was hard to feel lucky about anything. Aaron didn’t know what was in the tunnel or what it would’ve done to them, and he was pretty sure he never wanted to know. Anything that could tap into their vulnerabilities like that and use them to draw them into some fucked up human fly trap ... it was terrifying to really think about. The initial heat of Gavin’s reaction wasn’t too surprising, Aaron was pretty sure something evil had taken Amelia, whether it was in human form or not. “Yeah,” he murmured finally, picking at the label on his beer with a short thumbnail. “I wanted to keep going too ... find that kid. It was our kid, or it like, was supposed to be. Just ... my instinct said so. But ...” he trailed off and shook his head.
Their kid. The sentiment made Gavin's stomach churn with guilt and regret. It hadn't been a child, just a clump of cells but Aaron already thought of it as a child and God, what had they done. He stared at his bottle, his brows furrowed. "It wasn't," he said quietly. "Maybe it was those black-eyed children or something... something else. It wasn't your unborn child and it wasn't Amelia. It wasn't anything human." He could understand the urge to keep going though, just hearing about it made him want to go there, a desperate and self destructive urge. Walk into hell in the faint hope he could bring back his daughter.
Aaron didn’t know a lot of details about what was real and what wasn’t, but he’d grown up hearing all kind of Point Pleasant stories, and he believed demons were absolutely real. There’d been something malevolent in that tunnel, and he was glad that he’d come to his senses before they’d met it. He just nodded to what Gavin said, gazing at his beer bottle and picking at it and letting the silence settle for a while. “You seen Caden lately? Did he tell you what happened to his hand?” he asked eventually, looking over again. Caden was more likely to be honest with Gavin than him, Aaron thought. It sucked, but that was just how it was.
Gavin knew exactly what Caden had been up to but it wasn't something he could tell Aaron, not ever. Some people waxed poetic about honesty being the most important thing in relationships but in this family it was the thing that could destroy all of them. "He pissed off the wrong people," he muttered and at least he wasn't lying. He wasn't going to give him any more detail than that and Aaron should be used to it. He'd probably assume it had something to do with their illegal side jobs, or at least Gavin hoped so. "It's done."
When Caden had said he’d gotten into a fight, Aaron had assumed a bar fight. He’d thought cutting off fingers seemed like a mafia type move, so it probably had something to do with their gun trade. If it was a deal gone bad though, they’d kept Aaron completely in the dark about it, and that felt kinda fucked up. He was part of that business too. “We’re not gonna hit back?” he asked. That wasn’t something they really did, but then again they didn’t usually run into trouble like this. Aaron knew Caden better than to think he was just going to drop it. Gavin probably did too.
Gavin shook his head. "He fucked up and he paid for it, it's done." He leaned back and looked at Aaron, aware that he needed a topic change before Aaron started asking more questions. "How are you holding up?" he asked tiredly, reaching over to pat Aaron's arm. Aaron was in pain too, he loved his niece and he'd just lost his unborn baby and apparently dealt with something supernatural that fed off that pain.
Gavin wasn’t exactly the Godfather or anything, but Aaron always thought of them as their patriarch when it came to that kind of thing. He was the boss. Of course, that applied to a lot of how Aaron thought about Gavin, so it was only natural that it expand over into their less-than-savory business dealings. If Gavin said it was done, he hoped Caden listened. Caden was good at making more trouble for them. The question surprised him a little, along with the arm-pat. “Oh, uh ... I dunno,” he ended up murmuring, brain not quick enough to provide a better answer. “Tired, sad, worried about everybody.” He was heartbroken, in truth, for Gavin and Jasper and for himself and Mila too. It was all too much to carry, but Aaron was trying. “Anything I can do for you? Once we get back from church I can mow the yard or somethin’ ...”
Gavin thought about it. The lawn could use mowing and there was plenty to do around the house that he didn't have the energy or care to do but he didn't want Aaron doing them either. "Can you... Take the dogs to the beach?" he finally asked. The dogs loved the beach and he had only been there once since Amelia went missing. He'd kept seeing things then, things he thought might be her body, memory of finding Fin Haynes there mixing with his own worst fears, replacing his unconscious body with hers. "They could use a run and I... I can't."
That was less of a chore and more of a fun thing to do, but Aaron supposed anything that wasn’t drinking himself stupid felt like a chore to Gavin right now. “Sure man, yeah,” he answered, lifting his bottle again to take a swig. Maybe Mila would want to go with him too, and they could have a nice walk or something. As nice as possible while keeping half an eye out for the washed up body of his niece. Since nobody had found a trace of her, the possibility that she’d ended up in the ocean had definitely crossed everyone’s mind. “Anything you need,” he added in a murmur.
It occurred to Gavin that if Amelia washed up on the beach he should be the one to find her. It probably didn't make sense but it just felt right that somebody who cared about her would find her and hold her body for a bit before calling it in. Aaron cared about her so the fact Gavin couldn't go down there was made a little easier. He took a shaky breath and tried to dismiss the mental image of how it would go down. "Thanks," he said quietly. "They'll appreciate it." Hell, the dogs would appreciate anything that wasn't doom and gloom and sad humans right now, they were highly tuned into his misery and that was just another little thing to feel guilty about.
At this point, Aaron thought finding Amelia’s body anywhere would bring with it a twisted sense of relief. At least then they would know. Then they could work on accepting it and mourning that little girl and moving forward with life somehow. It just didn’t feel like that process could start yet, it felt like everyone was still holding their breath to some degree. He knew that breath might stay held for years. He hoped not, but it might. Aaron nodded absently to what his brother said, scritching a bit at Rude’s neck where the dog had settled between them. “Think there’s a game on,” he offered after a while of silence, glancing at the TV. Maybe they could just sit and drink beer and stare at something until Mass was over and Gavin wanted to venture out. Aaron just wanted to be there for him, even if it was silently.
Gavin thought about it perhaps a little too long before nodding. Watching a game was a braindead activity right now but he could appreciate that and it meant they didn't have to talk. Weirdly, a part of Gavin wanted to talk but he didn't even know where to start, especially with Aaron who was in the dark about so many things for a reason. He reached for the remote and turned on the TV, finding the right channel before settling back down.
It was indeed mindless, and maybe that was needed. Aaron slouched and tried to just chill his mind out with football and dumb commercials and another round or two of beers. Some people had told him just Being There for Gavin was all he could really do, so he tried to do that. His brother wasn’t a big talker under the best of circumstances, and these were pretty much the worst circumstances, but Aaron was present. He eventually got up again to toss their empties. He did a few dishes while he was in the kitchen, then looked at the time. “You uh, wanna head over to St. Dismas? Mass is probably cleared out by now,” he said once he was leaned in the living room doorway again.
Gavin's immediate instinct was to say no. He wanted to stay on his couch, drink more and maybe cry some more... Well, no he didn't want to cry more but he knew he would. He forced himself to nod anyway. Amelia deserved a candle and a prayer even if he was pretty sure there was nothing Father Dean could say to make him feel better. "You're driving?" he asked as he got up and gestured at the dogs to stay put. Rude complied but Max had his butt off the floor, ready to get up fully if Gavin changed his mind. Gavin shook his head at him and pointed again. Down. "You get a walk when we get back."
“Yeah, sure,” Aaron answered as he straightened up. They’d had the same number of beers, but he still felt like he was more sober than Gavin, somehow. Like his brother was stoned on grief. Who could blame him? “We’ll have a good run in a while, boys,” he said to the dogs. Not like they listened to him, but still. Aaron led the way toward the door and then out to his truck. He unlocked it to let them in and climbed behind the wheel. He wasn’t sure if the priest would have anything comforting to say either, but maybe just being at church would help. It had a calming effect on him, most of the time.
Gavin was definitely stoned on grief, he wasn’t really okay to drive even when he was sober which wasn’t something that happened much anymore. That didn’t stop him but it was better when someone else took the wheel. He was quiet during the drive up to St. Dismas, staring out the window the whole time though that hope that he might see Amelia had faded almost completely. His heart still skipped a beat when they drove past a group of children, even if none of them looked like her.
Aaron let it stay quiet, aware that there really wasn’t anything to say. They’d moved past reassuring each other that Amelia was okay, that she would be home soon, it was just a matter of time. Even if he tried to say it, Gavin wouldn’t believe him, and Aaron couldn’t blame him for that. So he just drove and parked the truck in front of the church. The parking lot wasn’t completely empty, but it was getting there, and that was probably good. He got out with his brother and walked with him up to the church doors, holding them open for the two of them. The sanctuary was blessedly quiet, only a few people lingering in the pews, probably waiting for the confession booth.
Gavin had worried that coming to church would break him and he hadn't been wrong. There was a little table there for Amelia; candles, cards and flowers surrounding her picture. 'Come back safe, Amelia' one of them read. There was even a small teddy bear in the corner with a pretty pink bow. Gavin stared at it and he could feel his face tense up. As hard as he'd worked on keeping a neutral expression, it crumbled now and he scrubbed his hand over his face, mostly to try to hide the way his chin was wobbling. People cared, and they should, he just didn't know how to be a part of all of it. Someone walked past them and gave his arm a little squeeze, saying something encouraging, something nice. Gavin couldn't hear what it was. He felt like he was attending Amelia's funeral only she wasn't there, they might never get to bury her.
Aaron had already seen the table with all the stuff for Amelia on it, since he’d been to church a few times since she disappeared. It occurred to him too late that maybe he should’ve warned Gavin about it. Aaron gave a faint smile to the person who passed them, nodding a bit to their soft encouragement. Gavin seemed a little frozen, so Aaron draped an arm around his shoulders to lead him over toward the rows of candles under the statue of Mary. Aaron paused in front of the holy water to cross himself, waited until Gavin had done the same, then kept going. He’d lit several candles for Amelia already, and he knew other people were doing it too, praying on her behalf. Part of him couldn’t understand why she wasn’t home already, with so many people pulling for her, but that was the small part that still had faith.
Gavin was barely even on auto-pilot, letting Aaron guide him and just wandering mindlessly along. He lit a candle for Amelia and stood and listened when Father Dean came out to talk to them. He knew roughly what he was saying, just from the tone of his voice, but he wasn't listening. Amelia's picture on that table haunted him, her smile and her bright eyes probably not very telling of what she looked like now. She had deserved better, a better family, a better fate, better everything. There was nothing Gavin could do now to fix it. They ended up sitting down in the pews, Gavin slumping down in the seat, leaning in against Aaron for support, both physical and mental. "We have to be better," he muttered. "If she comes home I swear we'll be better."
Gavin didn’t seem capable, so Aaron kept up the chat with the Father while he was there. The words were well-meaning, but the man seemed to sense that they were mostly falling on deaf ears. It was understandable, Aaron thought. There wasn’t much that was going to be comforting except Amelia being returned to them. So he quietly thanked the Father and then went to sit them both down. Aaron didn’t mind being leaned on, that was what he was there for. He looked over at Gavin with some sadness in his eyes and patted his leg a tiny bit. “We will,” he murmured quietly. “All of us. She deserves that.” The whole family was fucked up, and they all knew it. Aaron thought they could be better, and if they got that sort of miracle bestowed upon them, they needed to make it count.
Gavin took some small comfort from that pressure of Aaron's shoulder against his own but it was pretty miniscule compared to the different weight that was pressing on him from everywhere else. "If something happens to me and Caden, you sell the bar. You take Jasper and you get the fuck out of Point Pleasant. Promise me. You take him with you." He had yet to talk to Reagan Kelly and the witches were pissed so this wasn't simple suicidal rambling though he wished it was. He would hang in there as long as he needed to but that didn't mean the world didn't have other plans for him.
Aaron frowned, not liking the sound of that much. “Aw, come on, Gavin,” he murmured. “Don’t talk like that. What could happen to you and Caden? You said whatever the thing was, it was over.” He knew that some of the people they dealt with weren’t that kind, and Gavin hadn’t told him exactly what Caden had actually done, so it was hard to know. He moved his arm to stretch it out behind Gavin’s back in a not-quite-hug, giving his far shoulder a squeeze. “But I mean ... sure, of course. I promise. I’ll try. You know he’s a stubborn cuss, but ...” He chuckled faintly, though there wasn’t much actual humor in it.
"Yeah he won't wanna go," Gavin sighed. "He wants to stay here in case they find Amelia but you know they're not gonna... She's gone, Aaron. So if you gotta knock him out to get him out you do that." He didn't even try to explain why he was worried, everything felt dark and hopeless and getting killed wouldn't be the worst thing that happened to him. It just made him worry about Aaron and Jasper. The women in his life could take care of themselves, though he did get a heavy weight in his stomach whenever he thought of leaving Charlie behind.
He was looking at his brother’s face, concern etched in the lines on his brow. Aaron knew Gavin was the most morose of the four of them, he’d dealt with the most shit in his life, but this seemed beyond that. It was understandable, but it was still scary. “I’ll take care of him best I can, Gav,” he murmured, putting his arm more solidly around Gavin’s slumped shoulders. “But I’m not who he needs, y’know? So don’t ... promise me you’re not gonna do anything stupid. Jasper needs you. Me and Caden need you too, so. You don’t know the future, kids don’t always stay gone.” He said it gently, because he knew how slim that hope was now, but Aaron couldn’t just sit there and listen to him give up completely.
"I'm not gonna do anything stupid," Gavin sighed. It was tempting, yes, but he was going to hang on with what little strength he had left, at least until he got his son out of town. He wasn't sure if Jasper would graduate at this point, he was just as broken down by everything as Gavin felt but Gavin would hang on as long as it took, even if it meant summer school or another goddamn year in High School. "I think I need... I think I need a confession," he said quietly, glancing up to see if he could spot Father Dean around. "Wait for me?"
That was at least a little reassuring to hear. If losing Amelia hadn’t broken this family, losing Gavin by suicide would definitely do it. Aaron gave his shoulders a squeeze and nodded, then moved his arm back so Gavin could get up. “‘Course,” he said. He was Gavin’s ride, after all. “Take your time, I’ll be here.” Maybe Aaron needed to spend some alone time at church himself. He had a lot to pray about, a lot of people to pray for. He hated so much that his whole family was in so much pain.
On the contrary Gavin had a lot of apologizing to do, a whole lot of groveling even. He didn't deserve forgiveness and it made very little sense to him that he could be granted that forgiveness but God liked groveling so who was he to complain. He had a feeling he was going straight to hell anyway but that didn't mean he couldn't beg for the safety of the ones he cared about. "Thanks, Aaron," he muttered as he got up a bit stiffly. He'd benefit from taking the dogs out for a walk himself but it just felt overwhelming right now. He patted his brother's shoulder before heading off to find Father Dean, feeling like maybe he couldn't get into details. He knew the sound didn't carry from the booth but what if it for some reason did today? Aaron would hear everything and the family was torn apart enough as it was.