Who: Gavin, Charlie & Jasper When: Evening, Wednesday, October 25 Where: Gavin’s house Status: Complete
Charlie had been trying to find a good time to talk to Gavin since hearing that his daughter had gone missing Sunday morning. It hadn’t felt right to text him, and while she had taken part in the searches around town, Charlie had been sure to give him space, since he was generally with his family. She did what she could to keep up to date with what was going on while trying not to crowd Gavin with concern, given everything seemed to be fairly chaotic with the search parties and the police. Finally on Wednesday, after school, Charlie went home and cooked a couple casseroles in disposable pans to take over to Gavin’s house. She knew if she had been in his shoes, she wouldn’t have been concerning herself with cooking or cleaning, and as cliche as it might have been, Charlie thought it was best that he and Jasper have some food in the house, if they needed or wanted it.
When she finished, she packed up the food and drove it to Green Street. If he wasn’t home, she planned on leaving the food with a note on the front, or back if he had one, porch. They were all pretty well wrapped up so she wasn’t concerned about animals. When she saw his car in the driveway, she pulled up in front of the house and sighed, wondering if she should have texted or called first. Charlie just wasn’t sure if he would have answered either. She couldn’t even begin to imagine what he was feeling.
Breathing in and exhaling slowly, Charlie picked up the food and carried it across the lawn to his front door. She remembered the dogs and opted to knock instead of ringing the doorbell. Maybe he would have some good news. It never hurt to maintain some level of hope in this town.
It was day four, counting Sunday, since Amelia had gone missing and Gavin had spent the first two days in a frenzy looking for her. Now though, he didn't expect her to be alive. Little girls didn't just go missing for days if they were okay. He still searched because his little girl deserved a proper burial and whoever had taken her deserved to die violently. He didn't care where he ended up afterwards, nothing really mattered at this point. His little girl was gone and he just wanted to go to sleep and not wake up. The one thing that currently kept him going was his decision to hold on a little longer. Just in case. People were still searching and there was a slim chance she was alive somewhere, needing him.
He was wasn't drinking or eating much lately. Roxy had brought food over and he'd only eaten when he felt like he was about to collapse and was rudely reminded he needed to consume energy if he wished to spend it. Tonight he was home after a long day, staring at the TV without watching it, waiting for his phone to ring or for Jasper to come home with Amelia in his arms, laughing about she'd hidden away somewhere with lots of supplies for some unfathomable reason.
The dogs sat up before the knock came and Gavin was on his feet and stalking to the door in no time. He looked like shit, smelled bad too, with dark shadows under his eyes and a beard that would have been impressive by now if it wasn't such a mess. Seeing it was Charlie was a weird combination of feelings for him. Disappointment and relief, some shame in there too because why the hell not. "Hey Charlie," he rasped, glancing down at the things she was carrying. It just made him want to cry, something he hadn't done yet.
He looked terrible, but Charlie wasn't expecting Gavin to be immaculate when he answered the door. When a child was missing, all of those normal, daily routines were no doubt forgotten for a parent. Her smile was faint as she looked at him, aware that sympathy was probably written all over her face, because god knew she felt it. It was a horrible thing, to feel so helpless in a situation, to not have any legitimate way to make things better. "Hey Gavin," she replied, trying to resist holding the casseroles in one arm so she could hug him. There were honestly no good words to say beyond she was 'sorry', and what did that help? Glancing down at the casseroles, she wished she had brought something better. "I brought some food. It's nothing special, but you can put them in your freezer and then cook them anytime." Charlie looked up at him again. "And I wanted to see you and see how you were doing."
Gavin furrowed his brows and considered it for a second. How was he doing? He felt like he was stuck in a bad dream and couldn't wake up but he had to wake up soon, this couldn't be real. He shook his head and opened the door wider, gesturing at her to come on inside. The dogs looked happy to see her, an actual person who wasn't falling apart and oozing stress hormones all over the place but even their joy was a little muted. They sniffed at Charlie and Max whined a little, even with his tail wagging.
"Keep waiting for her to just call me," Gavin muttered tiredly. "Then I remember she doesn't have her phone."
Charlie stepped inside and shifted the casseroles around a bit to free up her hand so she could pet the dogs. She had the urge to offer to walk them, but Charlie didn’t want to assume Gavin had forgotten to do so. But if he had she would have understood. He had more important things on his mind, which was part of the reason she was there. Charlie didn’t want to overstep her bounds, but she wanted to make sure Gavin was taken care of. She murmured a soft greeting to them both before straightening to look at him again. Her heart broke for him, and for the fact that there was nothing she could say that would ease his pain. It was something that festered and lingered and never truly went away. She knew that from experience although her sister’s disappearance had turned into a homicide rather quickly. “No new news from the police?” she asked with a frown, although that much seemed fairly obvious. If the PPPD had a new lead or any suspects, Charlie was sure the town would know and Gavin wouldn’t look so hollow.
Seeing Charlie was always weirdly sobering, a reminder that life could be better - that he could be better - and right now he wasn't sure he could handle those conflicting emotions. He watched her pet the dogs and that sadness he'd been holding at bay came crashing in, heavy and cold like waves trying to drown him. "No news," he muttered and his eyes stung as a new lump formed in his throat. He inhaled deeply to try to get that feeling gone, at least for now. "You should leave this town," he said quietly. "Nothing good happens here."
It didn't take an empathy to recognize that Gavin was upset, as he had every right to be. Unless they found Amelia, how was it possible to ever feel normal emotions again? Charlie wasn't a mother, but her heart broke for him anyway. She knew perfectly well what kind of town this was, and what it was capable of. She had suffered her own tragedy, and the pain of it never truly went away. It was always there, lingering beneath the surface. Charlie very nearly pointed out that she had tried to leave already, but it felt unnecessary and unhelpful. Frowning, Charlie reached out to touch Gavin's arm gently. "Why don't you let me put these away, and then we can sit and talk. Or not talk." Since he seemed to prefer that, even when things were good. "Whatever you need, Gavin."
Gavin made a vague gesture toward the kitchen in agreement and then shuffled to the living room, expecting Charlie to join him when she wanted to. He didn't expect her to stay long, the mood in the house was oppressive and he knew he wouldn't stay longer than he absolutely had to if he wasn't stuck in the center of it all. The dogs seemed torn on who to follow, as if Charlie was a light in the dark as a functioning human but their loyalty lay with Gavin. They eventually followed him to the living room and jumped up on the couch next to him, Max with his head on Gavin's thigh, Rude with his head on the arm of the couch, staring at the hall as he waited for Charlie to join them.
Charlie had never been inside Gavin's house before but she found her way around with no problem. The dogs had followed Gavin, so Charlie put the casseroles away in the freezer after moving a few things to make room. She considered popping one into the oven for Gavin, and maybe Jasper to eat if he came home soon, but decided to wait until she knew when he had eaten last. She knew he probably didn't have an appetite, but he would need to eat. The the casseroles put away, Charlie reached into her purse and pulled out a pen and a small notebook she carried around with her. She wrote the instructions - heat at 375 degrees for twenty five minutes - and tore the paper out of the notepad to slip under a magnet on the freezer door.
With that done, Charlie took another look around and took her purse off to set on the counter. She made quick work of cleaning up, not wanting to linger too long. There weren't many dishes in the sink, but she washed them anyway and then wiped down the counters. With that finished, Charlie washed her hands and then picked up her purse as she left the kitchen. She found Gavin on the couch and she moved to sit down with him, though mindful of giving him space. Reaching out, she petted Max, scratching his back. "Do they need a walk?" Charlie murmured as she rubbed the back of Max's neck. "I don't mind taking them out if you want me to."
Gavin could hear her puttering around in there and while that wasn't her job, he didn't stop her. It was nice of her and he sure as hell wasn't going to take care of that stuff so having someone stop by and do it was... nice. He tried to shake off the daze when she joined him on the couch, fighting off the urge to take her hand since it was right there, petting the dog on his lap. Human contact would probably break the last of his resolve so he didn't do what his body seemed to be drawn to do, touch her or lean against her and just cry. Or sleep. Or die. "They've been searching with me," he muttered but that wasn't really a fun walk, was it. "If you want..." He shook his head. It was dark out and he'd already lost Amelia. "There are bad things out there, Charlie. Not human things, things that come out in the dark.You need to keep safe."
She wondered if maybe he had been drinking, and she wouldn't have blamed him if he had. But she had heard plenty of similar things from people who were completely sober, and honestly, a part of her understood what he was trying to say. Charlie had wanted to leave Point Pleasant for so many reasons, not all of them entirely explainable. Frowning, she let go of Max and reached for Gavin's hand. "Why would you say that?" she asked quietly. "Did something happen?" Maybe he had an idea of what happened to Amelia,or he was just distraught and letting his imagination run away from him.
"I've seen things," he muttered and opted not to drag Jasper into it. Charlie could well think he was crazy and he was well beyond caring at this point but that didn't mean Jasper needed that label too. "Things I tried to keep her safe from. Maybe I was too busy thinking about real monsters to remember people can be really shitty too." He was idly ruffling Max's fur, a comforting little thing to focus on. "You haven't seen things in town?" He finally looked at her, his expression a little slack, eyes dull.
Charlie studied Gavin, her own hand absently petting Max's lower body. She had grown up in Point Pleasant and knew all the stories - or most of them. Some sounded so implausible that they made her laugh. Others, well... there were just too many unexplained occurrences in town to think that they ad completely logical explanations. Not to mention that Charlie had never really believed Harry Tyles had murdered her sister, but she had never been brave enough to admit that she felt it had been a darker presence responsible. "What have you seen?" Charlie asked, wanting to know what he was talking about more than she wanted to talk about herself. "Did something happen to you?"
It was a bit liberating not to give a shit what other people thought anymore but Gavin was a little hesitant when it came to Charlie. Still, she needed to know, if she even believed him. "Things that aren't natural," he muttered. "Evil things. A man who's not really a man, little kids with pitch black eyes." He hadn't seen the latter but he had no reason not to believe that Jasper had seen them and since he didn't want to involve him it didn't feel wrong to mention it. "I thought it'd be enough, the protection we put up but... Amelia has a little hex bag sewn into her jacket, it was supposed to keep her safe."
Those weren't things Charlie had ever witnessed, although she heard of the black eyed kids before, from a friend in high school. She just hadn't really believed it at the time. Her hand stilled on Max's body and she felt an uncomfortable sort of flip flop in her stomach. It would be so easy to brush off everything was saying, chalk it up to alcohol and grief, but Charlie was having a tough time doing so. What if he was right? "A hex bag?" she asked, her brows drawn together. "Like from a witch? Do you think something like that took Amelia, and not a person?"
"No I think it was a person," Gavin muttered after thinking about it for a few seconds. "We were just so focused on protecting her from the non-human monsters out there, witches, hex-bags, the lot. I guess we forgot about the other-" he trailed off and closed his eyes, trying to banish the ideas of what human monsters did to little girls from his mind. If it had happened in the night he might have thought it was one of 'them' but he'd never heard of those beings out there striking at high noon. "I know I sound crazy," he muttered and patted the pockets of his shirt to locate his pack of cigarettes. "I should have taken her out of here a long time ago."
Charlie wasn't entirely sure if she believed in monsters or not. Real monsters, not the human kind. She had a fairly open mind, and while some things felt so far out of the realm of possibility, one couldn't really live in Point Pleasant and not wonder what was real and what wasn't. "Not too crazy," Charlie said lightly. "But it's not your fault this happened. It sounds like you were doing everything you could to keep her safe." Oh, she knew it wasn't that easy. That the guilt was still there, and would probably be there for the rest of his life. It wasn't his fault, but emotions were not controlled by switches.
"I should have taken her with me to church," Gavin muttered more to himself than to Charlie. That was what his life was going to be now, full of should haves and could haves, nothing but regret and what ifs. As if it hadn't been chock full of that already. "How did you survive when your sister went missing?" he asked then glancing up at her. He'd often wanted to ask her that but it felt insensitive. Now it just felt like they were sitting in the same miserable hell spot and he could speak candidly.
Should haves, what ifs, maybes... they were all designed to inflict pain. Charlie had gone through them herself, not only with her sister, but with her marriage. It was a form of self-torture she had not been able to stop for the longest time, and Charlie had realized she kept hoping that time would rewind for her to do something differently to change the outcomes of her life. Unfortunately the universe didn't work that way. Gavin's question prompted Charlie to look back down at Max where she began to pet him again. It was difficult to answer that question honestly, given Joanna hadn't gone missing very long. "I... there wasn't a lot of time to panic or lose control," Charlie admitted. Time helped dull the pain, but every now and then the scab was ripped clean and it hurt all over again. "We went through a day of calling everyone, of going through every possible scenario where she would show up again unharmed, or even harmed but alive. Before we could really put search parties together, they found her." She managed to look at Gavin then, because he knew as well as most people in town how that had ended. "Sometimes I think as long as there's no body, there's still hope."
Gavin didn't know what to say to that because he didn't know how he felt about it. His thoughts went round and round in horrible circles. He wanted Amelia to be alive but out of all the possibilities of what might have happened to her maybe a quick death was one of the better outcomes, but that meant his daughter was dead, which was still better than her going through the same shit as her mother had a child. He couldn't even think that thought through without wanting to punch every stranger on the street on the off chance they might be sickos who fucked with little kids. His shoulders slumped and he took a deep drag of his cigarette before putting it out in the ashtray a bit listlessly. He couldn't seem to finish his cigarettes these days but he also couldn't not light them up so he was going through his packs faster than usual as he kept forgetting about the half smoked ones. "I remember your sister," he said quietly. "I wanted to come talk to you but... I'm shit at all stuff."
"You're not shit at all stuff," Charlie said with a small shake of her head. Or even some stuff, if you asked her. Gavin seemed to have a low opinion of himself, which bothered her in a way she hadn't expected. It did surprise her a little that he remembered her sister, and maybe not in the way most people did - as the girl who got strung up at Cooperdale. Most people remembered what happened, but they forgot Joanna's name. She had been just another victim to talk about Those girls. "And... I don't know, I figured you had forgotten all about me after you dropped out. You had a lot going on in your life, and most of the people I knew who did come to talk to me hadn't known what to say... they seemed pretty uncomfortable, really, which had only made me feel worse. I don't blame you for not doing it. That helpless feeling seems to affect everyone."
Gavin huffed dismissively when she said she thought he'd forgotten about her. He shook his head a little as she spoke and he still felt like shit about not talking to her back then. It had felt like there was a glass wall between them somehow. He had his life, she had hers, he had no reason to just walk up to her and tell her he was sorry. "I never forgot you, Charlie," he muttered and he was probably saying too much but he was beyond caring. "You're not easy to forget."
It was sweet of him to say and Charlie couldn't help but reach over Max to take his hand in hers. She didn't find herself to be unforgettable, but she supposed when she spent as much time asking him to open her locker for her as she had in high school, he was bound to remember her in some capacity. "You're one of the reasons I find myself glad that I moved home, Gavin." And she wasn't scared to be honest about it, at least not now. "And I'm going to be here for whatever you might need." She knew that didn't account for much right now, when Charlie was sure what he needed was his daughter back, but she knew he also needed support around him, and that's what she wanted to be.
Nobody ever held Gavin's hand but Amelia and that small touch brought a thick lump to his throat again, his nose stinging. Speaking was liable to make it all come crashing down so he just nodded for a little too long and gave her hand a squeeze. He had always been a cynical bastard but in the moment he wished he could be optimistic, at least once in a while. Constantly imagining the worst and already being in mourning when so many people were clinging to hope was exhausting. He pressed his lips together and inhaled sharply, staring at some empty spot on the wall because looking at Charlie was going to break him right now.
When they lost Joanna, Charlie could remember doing the same thing. Staring at some random spot on the wall, being unable to make eye contact with anyone she cared about for fear it would crush whatever resolve she had left to remain strong. But sometimes a breakdown was necessary purge those emotions. She'd had plenty of them for months after Joanna's death. She still, on occasion, felt the pain so acutely it took her breath. Charlie brought Gavin's hand up to her lips, where she pressed them against his fingers before she stood. She let go of his hand but leaned over to press a kiss against his head. "Let me make you some dinner," she murmured. "I don't have to stay, but you should eat something."
He had just stopped nodding when he started again. He needed to eat and he really didn't have the energy to tell her to leave it alone. He could still feel her lips on his hand and on any other occasion he would no doubt have been tingling but right now it just hurt in ways he couldn't understand. He stayed where he was when Charlie headed for the kitchen and as soon as she was gone the tears started coming, like he had to get them all out in this small window when she wasn't in the room. Max whined at him and licked his face once, then rested his head on Gavin's shoulder. Gavin didn't try to project human emotions onto his dogs but it felt like he was desperately trying to comfort Gavin, confused about what was going on. It just made it worse.
Charlie could have made one of the casseroles, but she would prefer Gavin make them when Jasper was home and could eat some too. Instead she found enough in the fridge to make Gavin a ham and cheese sandwich, which she toasted on a pan on the stove. Charlie really had to resist making a mental grocery list for him, because that might be a bit much. That didn't mean she wouldn't text Roxy and suggest someone pick up a few things for he and Jasper, if they hadn't planned on it already. After placing the sandwich on a plate, she washed the pan quickly and set it aside to dry. Charlie found some chips and poured a small handful onto the plate, aware that Gavin might not eat them all.
She returned to the living room with the plate of food and a glass of water, setting both on the coffee table in front of him. "Want me to let the dogs outside for a few minutes? Let them run off a bit of energy?" She could tell by the state of his eyes that he had been crying, and she opted not to draw attention to it, aware that it would probably embarrass him.
It was comforting to have the dogs there but Gavin was about to eat - or try to - so getting rid of them for a few minutes was probably a good idea or they'd want to steal his sandwich. "Yeah," he muttered hoarsely, pushing Max away and reaching for the plate. The glass of water was a sweet gesture and he probably should drink more water but he would much rather have one of the beers currently sitting in the fridge so he decided he'd go get one while she took the dogs out. He felt numb and paralyzed but he could still fetch a goddamn beer from the kitchen. "If you want anything just help yourself," he added with a vague hand gesture.
"I'm doing all right. Come on boys, want to go outside?" Charlie asked the dogs, thankful when they perked up and began to follow her to the back door, their tails wagging. Her mom's dog used to sit and stare at Charlie while she ate, silently begging for a bit. Gavin needed to eat, and she was afraid he might be tempted to just toss the sandwich to the dogs. They both ran outside into the yard and Charlie stepped out for a moment to get some fresh air. She sort of wished she had taken one of Gavin's cigarettes, because she was definitely craving one right now. Charlie could smell the nicotine in the air and she looked over to see a teenage girl sitting on the back stoop of Gavin's neighbor's house. She was smoking and watching Charlie a bit too intently and it took a moment to realize the girl was in Charlie's English class. New girl. Charlie looked away, determined not to sink to the level of asking one of her students for a cigarette.
The girl eventually stood and went back into the house, and Charlie exhaled softly, waiting a few more minutes before calling the dogs back to her. They came bounding across the yard and up into the house. Charlie followed, hoping Gavin had been able to eat a bit in peace. There wasn't much more she could do to be helpful, and she felt a little guilty about it. "Should I give them a treat?" Charlie asked him, once they were back inside.
Gavin had managed to eat half of the sandwich and even drank some of the water while Charlie was out. He was back where he'd started on the couch with a beer when she returned, looking up a bit blankly at the question. Treats for the dogs? Yeah, he supposed they deserved something nice. "Go ahead," he said with a little nod and lit a cigarette. He usually smoked outside when Amelia was staying over and now he had to wonder if he'd ever need to be that considerate again. She hated his smoking but he always worried she'd end up smoking too, having grown up with so many smokers. Now she might not grow up at all. It stung thinking about it and he checked his phone needlessly. As if he might somehow have missed a call about her.
Charlie managed to find a small bag of dog treats and she gave one to each of the dogs before returning to Gavin. He was smoking, so she opened a couple windows, just so the smell wouldn't linger. Then she walked over to sit beside him. Short of bathing him, she wasn't sure what else she could offer to do for him. She hoped he would be able to sleep. He looked exhausted. "Is there anything else I can do for you while I'm here, Gavin? Is there anything you need?"
All he could think to say was that he wanted his daughter back and that was both obvious and unfair to Charlie; she would bring Amelia back if she could but that wasn't within her power - or his. He shook his head and drank some of his beer, then finally glanced at her albeit briefly. "I appreciate you being here, Charlie," he muttered since he sure as hell wasn't showing it. "I just can't..." Speak, be a person right now, he wasn't sure how he wanted to end that sentence.
"I know. I understand." She settled beside him, her hand instinctively brushing against the back of his hair. "I'll go if you want me to go, and I'll stay, if you want me to stay. With Joanne, sometimes I desperately needed the company, but I had moments where I needed my space too. Whatever you need." Charlie wouldn't crowd him, but she didn't want to ditch out either if he wanted her there, even if they sat there in silence.
"They brought in these dogs today," Gavin said quietly. His thoughts were too scattered to really make sense of them. He kept thinking about getting his gun and blowing his brains out but then his brain decided to show him what would happen if Amelia came back home and found him like that. He'd need to find someone to take the dogs, they'd already been through so much trauma. Jasper couldn't find him, he'd been through enough already. Still, the idea of a bullet was soothing in a way that scared him. Did he want Charlie to stay? Yes, but also no. He felt guilty because it wasn't her mess to deal with and she shouldn't have to be sitting in the middle of it, but he wanted her there. That light touch against his hair felt good and he didn't deserve to feel good right now, not when Amelia was either dead or suffering out there somewhere. The tears started again but thankfully he wasn't fucking sobbing like a baby. He finished his beer almost angrily and wiped at his face, taking a deep breath.
She took that as a sign that he wanted her to stay, and she was more than okay with that. Charlie kept her hand against his hair, fingers brushing through the strands lightly. Frowning at the mention of dogs, it only took her a second or two to realize what he meant. "Cadaver dogs?" she asked. What a horrible feeling, knowing those animals were stalking the grounds for Amelia's scent. For decomposition. "But they didn't find anything, did they?" If they had, she was sure he would have been ten times worse off than he already was. Everyone would have heard the news by now. Point Pleasant was that kind of town.
"It's like she just vanished," Gavin said as the answer was no. No body, no scent. "Nobody saw anyone suspicious, nobody's seen her." He put his empty bottle on the table and leaned back. Jasper might be home any moment and he'd no doubt be baffled to see his teacher there but Gavin couldn't bring himself to give a shit. Having her there was like an anchor keeping him from doing something stupid and rash in his pain. Jasper wasn't home so he needed that. "I keep wanting to just stop but I don't know what the fuck that looks like," he muttered and closed his eyes because she was still touching his hair and it felt good and rare.
Charlie had to think that somebody saw her, or saw something suspicious. Only maybe they didn't realize what they say was important, or they've forgotten. Leads came in all the time, sometimes years after a crime was committed. It was horrible and unfair to the families, but it was just human nature to push things out of one's mind when it didn't directly affect them. She had no idea how comforting that would actually be to Gavin, so she opted not to say so. "It's too difficult to shut everything down," Charlie murmured. "If I knew the trick to turning it off, I would tell you. Unfortunately it just doesn't work that way." He could drink himself silly, but that wasn't going to do anything but numb the pain for a little while. It didn't do anyone any good. But she also understood the desire to self medicate. "All you can do is be strong for her, and be here for her when she comes home."
He had the urge to lean in against her, to just let her wrap her arms around him and actually take solace in her presence. It had been a long time since he allowed himself to do that, to be touched. Aaron hugged him on the regular and Kat - when she wasn't furious with him - but it wasn't something that lingered. He'd convinced himself he didn't need it but Charlie's hand against his hair was full of promises of different touches, of something warm and soft to cling to. Gavin sighed and rubbed at his eyes. "I don't think she's coming home," he whispered. "But then I do. I don't know what to think."
"I know it's easier said than done, but as long as there's some hope, hold onto it, okay?" Charlie slid her fingers through his hair at the nape of his neck, massaging gently. It was probably the most she had touched him since they reconnected at his bar awhile back, but it wasn't something Charlie was consciously aware of. It felt natural to her, knowing that if she were in his shoes, she would crave the same kind of comfort. "Let your family be there for you, and Jasper." He probably needed someone as much as Gavin did. She hoped he had friends around him too, giving him support.
His family was a lot of things but 'there for each other' wasn't really one of them. They were all to some degree broken and lost, shit at communicating. Aaron and Kat tried their damndest to function but they'd both been furious at Gavin right before this happened and now it was all awkward and weird. In short, nobody knew how to act, least of all Gavin. He just hoped Jasper's pretty girlfriend wasn't a fairweather friend. "I don't know if you've noticed but we're all dysfunctional assholes," he muttered and maybe Amelia would have grown up to be just as messed up. No, would still grow up to be just as messed up. Gavin wiped at his eyes again, groaning in frustration. That sharp pain echoing in the hollow of his chest just wasn't going to go away. "I didn't even want her," he whispered and shook his head. But now he loved her more than life, despite everything.
"Dysfunctional assholes don't come to my house to fix my porch for free," Charlie pointed out. Aaron had helped Gavin, and he had always been so polite to her. Friendly. Dysfunctional, maybe, but Charlie couldn't agree that they were assholes. Not from what she had witnessed, anyway. Her own chest cracked a tiny but at his revelation, but Charlie didn't move away. It was evident Gavin was feeling an enormous amount of pain, and probably guilt. "How you felt back then doesn't matter, Gavin. Maybe you didn't want Amelia," Charlie murmured, "but you got her, and I know you love her. I remember when we reconnected at your bar that first night, and I asked you about her. Your whole face lit up, and I don't even know that you realized it."
Gavin nodded slowly and the tears just kept coming. Any other time he would have felt ashamed of them but they were almost a relief now, like he'd bottled it all up for so long that much longer might have broken him completely. It also felt right to cry for Amelia, she didn't deserve cold and dry grief, she had so much life in her he should cry for her. "I love them both," he whispered. "Despite everything, they're my..." He trailed off and sighed, leaning forward again to rest his face in his hands. It made it harder to breathe but that felt right too for a few moments at least.
“Of course you do. They’re your children,” Charlie said, slipping an arm around Gavin’s shoulder in a makeshift hug. She wasn’t embarrassed by the tears. Charlie had a feeling he had been holding them in for some time now. Purging his emotions could certainly be cathartic and maybe help him refocus. Amelia would need him when they found her. Charlie realized she was probably being naive and maybe too optimistic but dammit, someone needed to be. This town couldn’t take everyone it wanted. “And they know you love them, even if things have been difficult.”
She was right. Amelia knew, even if Gavin kept thinking about the times he'd been unfair with her, frustrated or impatient. Those moments were rare and probably normal so he needed to stop thinking about them all the time now. She knew he loved her and she was always happy to come over, especially after Jasper moved in. Jasper though... Did he know? Gavin hadn't exactly told him, it was awkward with a boy but he should tell him anyway, before something else bad happened. He rubbed his face and Charlie's arm felt good around him. Like he knew it would. He felt guilty for all the times he'd thought about how his life could have gone if Ollie hadn't gotten pregnant. Their relationship would have ended and he might have had the courage to talk to Charlie back then. How different things could have been but that almost felt like he was wishing his kids away and now that Amelia was gone it caused him even more guilt and grief.
Charlie sometimes allowed herself to think about the 'what ifs' in life. What if Joanna had never died. What if Charlie had stayed closed to home after high school. What if she had never met Drew. A future with Gavin Lucas had never crossed her mind once, but only because by the time she began to notice him, he had been with Olivia, and then he had been gone, married with a kid of his own. And in her mind, he had never spared her another thought, other than when her sister was murdered. With so many twists and turns in one's life, it was natural to think about how things could have been. That didn't mean one wanted those things to have happened and erase all of the good parts of life. Charlie rubbed Gavin's back softly and rested her head gently against his shoulder. She didn't need words, and she knew he probably didn't either. She would leave soon and give him some space, but it felt right to stay where she was for now, his pain a beacon for her, and she wished she could just absorb it right out of his body and mind. But unfortunately this was all she could do.
Jasper hadn’t lingered too long at Ruby’s after she’d fed him. She’d been sweet about it, but he knew he was a heavy presence now, like he was carrying his own stormcloud around with him. He wasn’t good company. He had nothing left to say to anyone, it seemed. He couldn’t even grieve or whatever in a way that made sense to people. He’d cried here and there, always alone except for that once with Jules. There were no tears in front of Ruby, and Jasper knew there wouldn’t be. Instead of giving him more energy to keep looking, having a full stomach had only made him more tired. It was getting dark, so he went home.
Jasper noticed the extra car in the driveway when he pulled up to the curb, and his heart leapt for a moment, that unbidden someone brought her back thought lighting up his whole being for a moment. It didn’t make sense, there would be cops there if Amelia was back, but Jasper didn’t recognize the car, so hope glowed bright as he clambered out and rushed up to the door. Jasper came in loudly and hurried to the living room ... and stopped. It was Ms. Harris on the couch, with her arm around his dad, dogs at their feet. Jasper’s heart sank again and he even murmured a little “oh.” Confusion crossed his face for a second before he remembered her saying they were friends. So it made some sort of sense that she was here.
Gavin had a similar, albeit not as powerful, moment of hope when the door opened. He pictured Amelia rushing inside and straightened up instantly but when he looked up it was Jasper. He stared at him dumbly for a few seconds, eyes red and expression slack. "Have you eaten?" he mumbled then, remembering Charlie had brought food. He couldn't even begin caring that Jasper had seen Charlie holding him, something that probably would have given him ulcers just a week ago. None of it really mattered right now.
Jasper had the same blank look as he stared back at his father for the moment before he spoke. For a second it sounded like the most bizarre question ever uttered until understanding really kicked in. Part of him wanted to be angry that there was someone in their house, some woman who was pretty much a stranger to them, actually touching his dad, which was just weird. But that was the part of him that had the hair-trigger temper and wanted to be angry at everything. Jasper didn’t really have the energy for it today. “Yeah,” he answered the question. He was quiet for another heartbeat, eyeing Gavin’s red-rimmed eyes, and his anxiety rose again. What if Ms. Harris was here because they’d found Amelia’s body? “Any news?”
Charlie had lifted her head from Gavin's shoulder as soon as Jasper entered the room and she carefully removed her arm, not wanting it to be an awkward situation for the two of them. She had been prepared to offer to make Jasper some food, though she got the feeling that he would be less inclined to accept the offer than Gavin had been. She realized that the two men probably needed to talk and have some time alone, so she patted Gavin's knee before standing from the couch. "I should get going," she murmured to Gavin. The urge was there to press another kiss to the top of his head, but she couldn't do that with Jasper standing there. "The food is in the freezer, the instructions on the door. Call me if you need anything, okay? I'll check in soon." Charlie didn't expect him to walk her to do the door, so she began to move away, giving Jasper a small, sympathetic smile before she moved past him toward the hall.
Gavin felt like he should walk her out but he felt rooted to the spot. It was no good, given that he wanted another beer, or a whole bottle of something a lot stronger. He had shaken his head at Jasper's question and having to answer that, even non-verbally, just made him feel like bawling again. God he was tired of it, his head hurt and his nose stung and it was all just a fucking mess. He really didn't want Charlie to leave but it was probably better for her not to stay in this cursed house. "You wanna sit down?" he asked hoarsely, glancing up at Jasper again.
In spite of the brief annoyance at her presence, Jasper kind of didn’t want Charlie to leave either. It meant he could slink off to his room to be alone some more without too much guilt. But at the same time he did want her gone. His emotions were a jumble on the best of days, and none of these had been the best of days lately. He moved aside to let her pass, giving her a furrowed-brow look before her back was to him. He looked at his dad again then, jaw clenching at the question. Did he? Yes and no. Like everything. He wordlessly walked forward into the living room and flopped onto the couch next to his father, reaching down to pet Max and Rude as they came to sniff at him.
Gavin heard the door close behind Charlie eventually and it hurt him in a way he couldn't ever explain. It was a good thing she left, he craved her company and her closeness in a way that felt wrong at the moment and if he'd indulged in it too long the guilt would have killed him, he was sure. He didn't expect Jasper to sit down so he was surprised when he did, glancing at him before letting his gaze settle on the dogs. "She brought food," he mumbled, as if it wasn't obvious by now. Gavin had eaten that sandwich she'd made him and he didn't think he was hungry anymore but it was hard to tell if he ever was with all grief and worry messing up his gut.
“Yeah, I got that,” Jasper muttered back. He’d been right there when Charlie was telling him about cooking instructions, after all. What he didn’t understand was why. It wasn’t like Jasper’s teachers were lining up to support them, and Ms. Harris had been hugging Gavin when Jasper had walked in. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d seen any female hug his dad except for Amelia and his grandmother. Jasper sat back and looked over at his old man, his mouth a little tight. “So are you fuckin’ her or what?” he asked. There was a tightness in his stomach that had been there for days, the urge to lash out at someone. Still, the words came out kind of flat and dull. Tired.
"No," Gavin replied in a tone just as flat and tired. He didn't feel defensive about it either way, maybe he should have been fucking Charlie by now, things were just... They just were. Now Amelia was missing and he didn't think he'd ever feel alive again unless she came home. "Back when we were eighteen her sister went missing," he muttered quietly. "Not for long, they found her body. In the tunnel." He felt like he was falling as he pictured Amelia hanging from that hook, like something was shaking loose inside his chest and he took a shuddered breath. "So she knows... she..." It wasn't the same and Amelia was still missing, three days later.
Oh. Jasper had one of those strange moments where he fully realized that the adults in his life had histories and lives of their own that they’d lived before he’d come around. Or, well, he’d been born by then, he guessed, but he’d been too young to be aware of anything. He remembered hearing stories about deaths happening at the tunnel, he just hadn’t ever connected them to anyone he knew. He felt a little guilty for asking a crude question when it was tragedy that had brought Ms. Harris over instead, but Jasper didn’t know what to say about it. It felt like all the life had been sucked out of the both of them. Amelia had been the life of the family, at least their corner of it. “It shoulda been me,” he muttered, mostly to himself. The thought had crossed his mind a million times since Sunday, but he hadn’t said it out loud yet. If one of the Lucas kids had to go, it should’ve been him. He was already a fuckup, Amelia hadn’t even had a chance.
Jasper's words cut through Gavin's daze like a jagged piece of glass and he visibly started, sitting up a little straighter. "No," he said with more emotion than he'd let himself feel for a while now. He reached over and grabbed Jasper by the back of the neck, a loving gesture but a little too tight. "Don't you say that, don't you ever say that." He recognized that feeling all too well and he could name plenty of family members who should have gone instead of Amelia but Jasper wasn't one of them. "I'd trade my life to get her back but not yours, you hear me?"
While Jasper hadn’t exactly expected Gavin to agree with him, that response was surprising. It kind of jolted him out of that numb daze and put a hard lump of emotion in Jasper’s throat. His dad’s hand on the back of his neck felt weirdly good, and Jasper didn’t think Gavin had really touched him since he’d crawled into bed with him after the encounter with the Black Eyed Kids. Normally he would have preferred it that way, but now everything felt backwards and broken and horrible, and Gavin’s grip was grounding. It still made his nose sting, and Jasper tried for a moment to push the bubbling emotion back down, but he was so tired. His face started to crumple and he covered it with both hands.
Everything was backwards and broken and Gavin could practically feel the world coming apart at the seams all around him. This time it was Jasper falling apart and he didn't ease his hold on him, as if letting go now would truly make him shatter somehow. He pulled him closer instead, pressing Jasper's head to his chest and wrapping his arm awkwardly around him. He'd just asked himself if his kids knew he loved them and this felt like an answer, though it sure as shit wasn't the answer he wanted. "She knows," he said through clenched teeth, tears welling up in his eyes again because apparently he couldn't catch a break from that yet. "I don't think you do. I don't think you do. I don't think you know and I fucked up, Jasper. You and Amelia, you're the only fucking reason I keep going and I don't tell you."
He didn’t resist the pulling, needing the closeness more than he had the capacity to realize. Since Sunday Jasper had been carrying this on his own, more or less, only letting himself break down in front of Jules. His family didn’t need to see it, and nobody had paid particular attention to him, because there were more important things to do, like search. Amelia was who mattered, not him. Jasper leaned into Gavin but didn’t embrace him back yet, still hiding his face while his breath hitched and hot tears forced their way out of him. He didn’t know what Gavin was talking about exactly, but he did at the same time. Part of him wanted to recoil from all of this, run to his room and lock the door, not face any of these feelings, but he felt paralyzed, trying to hold back the sudden rush of emotion. He didn’t know any of that, he just knew that neither of his parents had ultimately wanted him and he’d fucked up their whole lives. Jasper couldn’t say anything, his throat too blocked for words.
It was easier to love someone who was as open and loving as Amelia. Really, Gavin didn't need to do anything but respond to her and let her shine. Jasper had never been that easy, he'd been tough since Gavin could remember and he didn't know if that was his fault or Ollie's or nobody's at all. Ollie was gentler with Amelia, he knew as much. Maybe he was too. Things had been easier by the time she was born. "I'm sorry," he was whispering, again and again. "I'm sorry." He couldn't even say where he went wrong except for everywhere and now his little girl was gone and his boy was broken enough to think he should be gone instead.
How often had he wanted his dad to apologize for being a shitty father? To acknowledge that Jasper had grown up suffering and take some responsibility for it? So many times. And now it was happening and it didn’t make him feel any better. It just hurt more. Jasper was too tired to keep everything repressed at the moment, and he started to cry in earnest. He relented and moved his hands to wrap both arms around Gavin’s body, turning his face into his dad’s shirt as he clung tight. He smelled like dogs and cigarettes and himself it was such a Home smell. Jasper cried himself out, the storm blessedly short because he just didn’t have the energy for more, but he didn’t let go. “I used t-to ... be jealous ... of her,” he murmured thickly, haltingly. “How much ... you both l-loved her. N-now I just ... miss her.”
There was nothing Gavin could say to that except another 'I'm sorry' and he whispered it hoarsely as he rubbed at the base of Jasper's neck with this thumb. His kid had to know by now that his parents were broken people, that their inability to show him love had nothing to do with him but maybe he didn't, maybe he was internalizing all that shit and Gavin had let him down. He hadn't ever hit Jasper but he had hurt him in other ways and facing that was hard. "I want you to get out of here when you finish school, go somewhere better, I'll pay for it, I'll do everything I can but you need to get out of this place." It wasn't the time or place for it and maybe it sounded like he was pushing him away but with everything that had happened, Gavin couldn't imagine losing Jasper in the same way.
Jasper’s perspective had never been the most objective, and it had been impossible not to internalize a lot of what he felt from his parents from a young age. Even as he’d matured and realized that they weren’t infallible and right about everything, a lot of that junk had stuck around in his head. Maybe self-loathing was genetic, who knew. The future seemed like such a muddy dream right then, Jasper couldn’t fully process Gavin’s sentiment. He currently couldn’t plan anything past the next day or two. He’d already resigned himself to being stuck in Point Pleasant for the rest of his life. “I can’t leave until she’s back,” he whispered. “I can’t.”
Gavin didn't think Amelia was coming back but he wasn't ready to say that out loud to anyone. He had to hold onto hope, Charlie had said as much and while he didn't quite feel it he knew he had to cling to it with everything he had. "Okay," he whispered though that sharp pain in his chest told him your daughter is dead, over and over. He kept going down all these narrow thinking paths in his mind only to be jerked back to the present where he couldn't decide anything, where he didn't know anything. One of those paths was to get Jasper out. He'd sell his part in the bar or something, find a way to get the money he had stashed away to Jasper in regular payments, set him up for life and then... Gavin didn't even know what then. Every time his mind went down that particular dark path all his obligations popped up and reminded him just how many things he needed to take care of before he died. "We'll figure it out," he whispered even if he knew they wouldn't. Amelia was gone, she'd been gone for too long for it to be something harmless and Gavin didn't think they'd be seeing her again.
Jasper had thought she was dead too many times himself over the past few days, but he couldn’t accept that. Not fully, not yet. He couldn’t imagine leaving town with her still out there somewhere, alive or dead. He just had to know. What if Amelia showed back up as soon as he left town? What if she needed him to still be here somehow, and he abandoned her? Jasper didn’t think he could handle the guilt. He already felt like there was something he should have done differently to avoid this, as irrational as that was. Like he could have prevented it somehow. Been with her. Protected her. Why hadn’t he spent more time with her? Jasper was spiraling down a rabbit hole and he knew it, but it was so easy to do. ‘We’ll figure it out’ wasn’t terribly comforting, but it was going to have to be their lives going forward. Everything had changed, and there was no roadmap for this. They just had to figure each day out as it came, that was all Jasper felt capable of now. It wasn’t a great option, but it was better than quitting. He couldn’t quit, for Amelia’s sake.