you're dancing with a dead man's bones (edgeofmybreath) wrote in shadows_rpg, @ 2018-05-17 14:35:00 |
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Entry tags: | #october 2017, roxy, roxy x spence, spence |
Who: Spence and Roxy
Where: The beach
When: Evening, Tuesday, October 24th
Status: Complete
Spence had been something of an isolated homebody for the past few days, but even then it had been impossible not to hear about the young girl going missing from her own yard. It had taken a bit longer for Spence to realize Amelia Lucas was related to Caden Lucas, Roxy’s boyfriend. He hadn’t wanted to bother her with a phone call, knowing she was probably dealing with a lot of chaos and concern at the moment.
But by Tuesday night, Spence knew they still hadn’t found the girl and he hadn’t been able to keep from pulling out his phone to send her a quick text. hey. Heard about amelia. How r u doing? Do u need anything? It was probably weird or overstepping somehow, but Spence felt the need to check in, at least to make sure Roxy was doing okay. He had no idea what he could do to help, but the offer was there and if Roxy could think of anything, he’d be more than willing to try and make it happen.
It had been another grueling day. Roxy and Caden had gotten up early to join the renewed search parties. He’d spent the whole night passed out on the couch, and Roxy hadn’t had any desire to move him. She’d just cried herself out in the shower and gone to bed. But a new day meant a bit of renewed hope that they could find Amelia. Unfortunately, that hope had dwindled fast as the day went on. Roxy did what she could to pitch in, all the while her heart aching for the bright little girl who she wasn’t sure they would ever find now. The odds were never good when someone went missing in Point Pleasant, and now it had been two and a half days.
Once it was getting dark again and people were breaking off to go their separate ways for another night, Roxy had gone to the church. There were a few more people in there than usual for this time of day, and someone had set up a few candles around one of Amelia’s Missing flyers on a table near the entrance. There were a few cards there, some flowers. The community cared, especially at Gavin’s home church. Roxy wondered if he’d even been in here yet. She lit a candle at the altar, then went to sit in one of the pews, bowing her head to pray. After a while she was just sitting there, and her phone vibrated. Roxy checked it and her heart squeezed painfully as she saw it was Spence. Nobody had asked her yet how she was doing, and it put a stupid lump in her throat. She went through several versions of an answer before she finally sent hey. not great. could use some company if youre not busy. Was it risky? Yes. Did Roxy currently give a shit? She didn’t feel capable. She just needed a friendly face that was at least a little removed from all of this.
Company was something Spence could do, and he was already standing from the chair in this living room as he typed in a response. not busy. where do u want to meet? He would have invited her over, but that felt a little too forward and his apartment wasn't the nicest. It was clean and organized, but bare and a bit hollow feeling. Maybe she would want to get coffee, or... something. He wasn't sure, but he was willing to let her choose. Either way, Spence needed to change and try and comb his hair or something. Not that Roxy cared what he looked like right now, but Spence figured he ought to look somewhat presentable while she was going through this.
Roxy hesitated over that one, nibbling on her bottom lip and trying to think. They could go to Moxie’s, get some food. But she wasn’t really hungry. Roxy didn’t really feel like being in public, either. People knew she was with Caden Lucas, and with everything going on, that might draw attention. She didn’t feel like feilding condolences or answering well-meaning questions. But driving over to Spence’s apartment also didn’t feel right. i’m at st dismas. come pick me up. Roxy’s thumb hesitated over the Send button, then pushed it. Maybe they could just drive somewhere and talk in the car.
She was at church? Spence paused, considering. Did that mean they got bad news? Was she just praying for Amelia's return? He had to assume it the was latter, because if they had found Amelia, Spence doubted Roxy would be willing to leave the Lucas family, even for a little bit. be there in ten That gave him enough time to change his shirt, at least, and Spence ran his hand through his hand a couple of times before giving up. He still needed that haircut.
He was a couple minutes late due to the timing of the traffic lights, but Spence pulled up to the front of the church in no time, relieved to find Roxy waiting for him out front. She looked beautiful, which was probably a shitty thing to think, considering how tired and sad she looked to. But Spence could acknowledge that he was probably fucked up, so it was what it was. "Hey," he greeted, once she was in the truck with him. "You wanna drive around for a bit? Or are you hungry? Thirsty? Consider me your taxi cab."
Roxy waited outside, pretending to be very interested in her phone, until Spence pulled up. She tossed a quick glance around before she climbed inside, glad that there wasn’t anyone lingering anywhere they might spot her. “Hey,” Roxy greeted back as she settled in and pulled the door closed. It struck her again how handsome Spence was, even under all that scruff. Roxy instantly felt ashamed of that thought, but she shoved it all aside. It didn’t matter. “I don’t have a lot of appetite just yet,” she said, giving a tiny, tired smile. “Can we just ... I dunno, drive? I hate to waste your gas, but I don’t really wanna go anywhere in particular. Or maybe to the beach lot or something.”
"Don't worry about the gas," Spence told her as he began to pull away from the church. "This thing has pretty d-decent gas mileage. But we can go anywhere you want." The beach was probably deserted at this time of night, so Spence started heading in that direction. "Any news?" he asked, glancing at her in the dimness of his truck. He was really hoping it wasn't bad news, if anything. He remembered how his aunt had been when Kevin went missing. How it had changed her. It was a horrible feeling, that helplessness, and never knowing... Spence hated that Roxy and the Lucas family might have to go through that now.
Roxy was kind of grateful for the darkness. She knew she looked like a hot mess, and she knew that also didn’t matter, but she didn’t have to keep her expressions under such tight control when everything was shadows. She let her head fall back against the headrest and let out a soft sigh. “No news,” she told Spence, glancing over at him. “This is two and a half days of search parties, and just ... nothing, not a sign of her.” Roxy didn’t even know what to hope for, every option seemed completely horrible. She hoped Amelia was alive, of course, but thinking about what people who kidnapped little girls usually did to them ... that hope seemed almost selfish. “I heard something about the cops borrowing cadaver dogs from the state tomorrow, and I just ... I don’t know what to do, Spence.”
Spence hoped the dimness and his beard helped mask his grimace. Cadaver dogs. After two and a half days. He knew the first forty eight hours were critical in finding a missing person, but... it just seemed unfair, like they already gave up. But it wasn't his place to say so. "There's nothing you c-can do," he murmured, aware how that sounded, but what else could he say? "Other than be there for her family. When K-Kevin went missing, I wasn't here. I felt... you know, helpless doesn't seem like the right word. There's almost n-nothing in the voc... vocabulary that can explain the feeling. Sometimes just your presence has to be enough. And I'm sorry this happened."
“Thanks,” Roxy murmured to the apology, almost automatically. Being sorry didn’t help anything, but she knew there was nothing else to say about it for most people. Spence was right though, ‘helpless’ just barely scratched the surface of what she was feeling. What they all were feeling. She looked over at him with sympathy, even though he was watching the road. “And I’m sorry about Kevin. I remember hearing about that. I know we’re in a rural area, but I just ... so many people vanish around here. Grown people, even, there was a man who went missing just last month.” She paused and nibbled on her bottom lip for a beat, then rubbed at one of her eyes. “I’m trying to be there for them, but ... they don’t make it easy,” she murmured. “Caden won’t take any comfort. That breaks my heart too.”
Spence nodded when she mentioned Kevin. It was strange, because it felt like eons ago and at the same time, felt like yesterday. He glanced at her occasionally, but tried to keep his focus on the road. He had heard something about someone going missing awhile back. Adults were harder, because it was so easy to brush the disappearances off. A grown man or woman was allowed to leave town if they wanted to, and that was the easiest thing to believe if there was no evidence pointing otherwise. "Some people don't handle comfort well," Spence said, turning left at the next traffic light. "Or, well, much of anything. It can't be easy. I don't wanna keep sayin' I'm sorry, because I know it doesn't help much."
Caden definitely didn’t handle anything well, Roxy knew that. It still hurt her heart that she couldn’t do anything for him. He didn’t want to be cuddled, he didn’t want her to take care of him, he’d been drinking more than eating, he hadn’t even wanted to vent his anger through sex like he sometimes did. There just wasn’t anything she could do except keep going out to help look, she supposed. “It’s okay,” she murmured quietly to Spence. “I know you mean it, at least. I’m sorry too.” Roxy let her head fall back against the seat again and looked out the window as he drove, trying to find something else to say and coming up empty.
Spence was okay with the silence if she was. He knew sometimes trying to talk made things worse, especially when there wasn't much to say. Sometimes the company was enough. Not that he wanted to make that assumption, given this was only the third time they'd spoken to each other since he moved back home. Spence finished the drive to the beach and parked in the empty lot. It was dark, but the moon reflected in the water and Spence turned off the truck, leaving the keys in the ignition. "You want to sit here awhile?" he asked. "Or go for a walk?" He was willing to do whatever she wanted, even if it was just sitting there together without talking. Spence knew he wasn't really the ideal person to be with during this kind of time, but he would try to be a decent friend if he could be.
It was a lovely view, and would be even more lovely down by the water, but it was also chilly and Roxy was so tired. It was probably incredibly selfish of her to want Spence’s company when she didn’t feel like doing anything at all, but she promised herself she wouldn’t hog him for too long. She just needed someone nice with her who wasn’t part of the Lucas clan and therefore smothering in sadness. She could’ve gone to Mila, but her best friend had enough to deal with already. “Do you mind if we just sit?” she asked, looking over at Spence’s dark profile. “I feel like I’ve walked like twenty miles today.” Roxy was used to being on her feet at work, but combing through the woods was something else.
"Yeah, of course," Spence said, wondering if he ought to turn on the radio, or just leave it. Several things came to mind for him to say, but he bit back on them, not wanting to talk about something insignificant when she was going through something like this. And reaching out to take her hand, even in comfort, was probably overstepping a couple boundaries. Spence felt a bit useless, sitting there behind the wheel. He wasn't sure if his presence was helping or not, honestly. Glancing at her profile, Spence shifted a tiny bit in his seat. "Anything you want me to do? Talk aimlessly about nothing? Sing? Tell limericks? I'm not a man of many talents, but I might be okay at distraction."
In spite of everything, Roxy gave a soft laugh. It was just such an adorable list of options, she couldn’t help it. He probably felt awkward as hell, just sitting there with her, and Roxy felt that stab of guilt again. “You’re so sweet,” she murmured, reaching out a hand without thinking. She ran her fingers through the scruff on the side of Spence’s jaw just to feel it, not registering it as a super-familiar touch until a second afterward. Roxy let her hand drop to the console between them. “Now I feel like I’m passing up a great opportunity if I don’t demand that you sing for me,” she added softly, gazing over at him. Memories were starting to float up to the surface of her mind of when they were teenagers and they used to park somewhere to make out. Now Roxy longed for those days. They weren’t exactly carefree, but everything had felt so much lighter.
It felt strange to be touched, especially by Roxy, but not in a bad way. It had just been awhile since he'd accepted any kind of physical affection that wasn't a hug from his mom. To Spence, it felt like an intimate touch, even though he knew it wasn't. When she dropped her hand, Spence had to resist lifting his hand to scratch through the scruff. "What'd you want me to sing?" he asked, a small grin playing at his lips. "Some country? Classic rock? I do a pretty mean air guitar, as you very well remember." Yeah, they used to drive out here at night to make out - they got caught by the ever suffering PPPD a few times - but they also just spent hours talking, or laughing over some ridiculous conversation. He didn't think they could replicate it now, given how much time had passed and the fact that Roxy was in a relationship, but there was a touch of familiarity there that Spence couldn't help but enjoy. As much as he could in these kind of circumstances.
Now that she’d done it once, Roxy kind of wanted to touch him again. They’d hugged when they parted ways the last time, but it was one of those lean-in one-armed affairs, just a back-tap, really. Definitely not touching his cheek in a dark parked car. Something she probably shouldn’t have done in a place she probably shouldn’t be. “Oh man, now I have to hear some country,” she said, grinning faintly back at him. “Sing me some Johnny Cash or something classic.” Roxy laughed softly and shook her head. “Yeah, I do remember that. Rocking out to Offspring or whatever it was back then. You weren’t a bad air drummer, either.” They’d had some good times, just hanging out in whatever Spence was driving. Sneaking booze, listening to music, kissing -- and more -- for hours. “Who was that guy again from your class who like ... almost won that air guitar competition?”
Spence grinned before squinting his eyes in concentration as he tried to think of old classmates. One would have thought that having gone to such a small school, he would have remembered everyone, but a lot had happened between graduation and this moment. "Ah, man... it was, uh... Andy Nix," Spence said, pleased that he was finally able to remember. "Jesus, I hadn't thought about him in ages. I don't think he lives around here anymore. I haven't listened to the Offspring since high school, I don't think," he added with a soft laugh. "Feels like a different life, to be honest. Now we're sitting here without bad alternative rock or liquor. Responsible adulting kind of sucks, to be honest."
“Only kind of? It really sucks, let’s be real. Andy Nix,” Roxy repeated musingly, grinning a bit. She could picture his face, but hadn’t remembered his name. “Nah, he definitely doesn’t live here anymore, I would probably see him at the bar all the time.” She did see plenty of people they used to know at the bar as it was, and Roxy had gotten caught up in reminiscing with a few of them. It never felt like this though, like there was some yearning in her chest. She’d never been one to get really nostalgic, it wasn’t like high school had been golden years for her, but something about chatting about old times with Spence kind of made them feel that way. “It does feel like a different life,” she murmured, softer and sadder. Would Amelia ever get to have those kinds of memories? Would she make out in cars with boys, get drunk too early, and listen to bad music? Roxy didn’t know anymore, and it put a lump back in her throat. She licked her lips and looked out the front window again, her fingernails idly picking at the edge of Spence’s center console.
Yeah, it did kind of really suck. The only upside to being an adult was that his mom wasn't in his face all the time. Not that he had really minded it as a teenager, but still. The fear of disappointing his parents hadn't ebbed much since he was a kid. If anything, it had gotten worse. Spence wondered how many people from high school Roxy did see at the bar, and he was about to ask her when he caught her profile, staring out the window. He felt a little guilty, talking about such insignificant things when her boyfriend's niece was missing. "Sorry," he said, reaching over to touch her shoulder, squeezing gently. "All of that p-probably seems pretty unimportant right now."
The touch startled Roxy a tiny bit, but mostly in an internal way. Besides hugs from Mila, she wasn’t used to being touched by many people who weren’t Caden. Especially not to give her comfort, like Spence was trying to do. Roxy’s hand lifted to cover his, wanting to keep it on her shoulder. She hated it, but her eyes welled up with tears again. “No, it is important,” she said, her voice coming out a little rough. Roxy tried to clear it, but it didn’t help much. “That’s what life is, right? And I just ... I can’t stand thinking Amelia might not get any of it.” A few tears escaped, and Roxy swiped at her eyes with her free hand. “Sorry,” she murmured automatically, trying to push the rest of the emotion back.
Spence's brows drew together in concern, and he remembered just how terrible he was with crying women. It felt like their tears had the power to paralyze him. It wasn't that he was annoyed or anything, he just felt helpless, unable to say or do anything to make them stop. "Hey, they'll find her," Spence said, squeezing her shoulder again. "And she'll get to grow up to be a rebellious teenage girl who thinks she knows better than her parents, and she'll park right here with a boy she's too good for and sing... oh I don't know, whatever rock band is popular at the time. I don't know that the Offspring has had any other hits since we were in school..." He trailed off helplessly, unable to help himself when he picked his hand up off of her shoulder to wipe away a stray tear that had left a streak down her cheek. "She'll be okay."
Roxy was used to having to swallow her tears back. She didn’t always succeed, but they never got a good reaction out of Caden, so Roxy had cried less and less in front of him over the years. In front of people, period. It always made her feel like a burden, like she was making a scene on purpose. Spence’s tone was so kind though, his hand so warm on her shoulder, and God how she wanted what he was saying to be true. It made her feel even more strongly for a moment, not just sadness about Amelia but a long-running sadness that she could usually ignore. It was like the background radiation of her life, a shadow she never wanted to look at too closely. “I hope so,” she said unsteadily, her cheek tingling where Spence touched it. Roxy lifted her hand to catch his before he took it back, and she pressed her lips against his fingers, eyes closing.
It had been easy enough to ignore the way she had touched his face, even under the guise of scratching through the scruff, but Spence found it too difficult to pretend she wasn't kissing his fingers, even for a brief moment. It felt incredibly intimate, and he probably would have wanted it to continue if he hadn't remembered she had a boyfriend. One she lived with, and had been living with for several years. It made him feel guilty in a couple different ways. Reluctantly, Spence pulled his hand from hers and let it fall to the console between them. "Is there anything I can do to help?" he murmured, because asking seemed to be all he could do in that moment. Everything else that had surfaced in his mind was wrong and inappropriate, given the circumstances and the timing.
As soon as Spence started to pull away, Roxy let him go. That had been too much, she shouldn’t have done that. Fuck. Her craving for someone to hold her and just be there wasn’t Spence’s problem. And the last thing she needed to do was make Caden his problem. She sat back a little, thumbing away the few more tears that had slipped out. “I don’t think so,” she said, giving a sniffle before she glanced over at him again. Roxy almost apologized and started stumbling over some bullshit explanation, but it was probably better just to pretend it hadn’t happened at all. “Just ... keep an eye out. We put a lot of posters up today, hopefully someone will ... remember something and call in.” Roxy wiped her face again and then rubbed her palms against her jeans.
Spence nodded. "Of course." He would do his best to keep an eye out for the girl, and join in on the search parties if they formed more of them this week. He wasn't sure what the procedure was for missing people. It had been a long time since he had lived in a town where it happened so frequently. Or maybe it happened frequently everywhere, it was just harder to hear about it with a larger population. "I'm really sorry, Rox." He almost wanted to ask if they'd searched the mausoleum, considering that's where Kevin had disappeared, but it sounded so morbid that he ignored the urge.
Roxy gave him a pained little smile. She appreciated the sentiment, and she wished she had something more solid to tell him to do to help. She understood that helpless feeling all too well now. It was probably going to drive them all crazy before too long. Before this was all over, if it ever was. Roxy kept thinking of all the families in Point Pleasant who’d lost someone and never gotten them back. Who’d never gotten answers. Could the Lucas family survive that kind of uncertainty? Roxy didn’t know. It was all so overwhelming, it made her want to cry all over again. She swallowed it back as best she could. “Yeah me too,” she murmured. “I just ... it all makes me feel like crawling out of my fucking skin, the helplessness, you know? There’s just nothing to do and I can’t stand it.”
"Yeah." Spence nodded and looked out the front windshield toward the water. His aunt had really never been the same since Kevin's disappearance. He knew it was a daily struggle and torment for her. Spence had left town and then joined the Marines to try and get away from the ever present sadness of Point Pleasant, but... well, apparently he hadn't really been able to. "But... being there for them is all you can really do. Support. And if they need something more, then you do that too. These situations, there's really nothing anyone can do, not even the cops." At least that was his opinion. When someone vanished without a trace, what could they possibly do?
Maybe it would have been easier if more people in the family actually acted like they needed the support. Roxy could hug people while they cried, try to reassure them everything would be okay, keep their fridges stocked. None of the Lucas brothers wanted that from her, though. So she felt even more helpless. Aaron had Mila, at least, he had always been the most emotional of the three of them. She supposed she could check in on Kat, but Kat seemed to be running support herself. Gavin and Caden were just so hard to reach. But Spence couldn’t help with that. “Yeah,” she agreed quietly, and ran a hand through the top of her hair to push it back over her shoulders. Roxy sighed and rubbed at her tired eyes. “Sorry to dump on you,” she murmured. “I know this probably brings back bad memories.”
"No, you're not dumping anything on me," Spence said, quick to reassure her. "Honestly, it's... with this place, there're good m-memories and bad ones. They all sort of mingle and mix together on a daily basis. It's a strange f-feeling. Like right now, there're bad memories, but good ones too. I know I already said that," he added with a soft chuckle. "But it's t-true. When they find her, and she's home okay, then you'll start to forget about these bad ones. It's just the waiting that hurts the most."
If they found her. Roxy knew that wasn’t a guarantee. This was a case where she wished she didn’t feel so much like part of the family. It was like she had one foot in it and one foot continually pushed out of it, but she was involved enough to hurt so much for that little girl. “I hope you’re right,” she told Spence for the moment, giving him a wan little smile. She kind of wanted to change the subject, ask him about how he was doing, what he’d been up to, but it all seemed so trivial. A child might be dead. She just knew that made her shitty company, even if Spence was being really sweet about it.
Spence knew this could have a very bad ending, but he didn't want to put too much thought into that. He didn't want Roxy to have to go through that kind of pain. "I hope I am too," he murmured. He wasn't going to push her to talk if she didn't want to, because a lot of the small, insignificant things really didn't matter at the moment, even if they were said to fill the silence. Spence licked his lips and turned over the engine enough for the radio to flip on. He hit a couple of the station buttons before he found a decent music channel. He kept it low, just in case she wanted to say anything more, but with the water in front of them, it was kind of a nice ambience, considering the circumstances.
The music was better than silence, at least. Roxy didn’t mind it. She let the quiet settle for a while, gazing out at the water and trying not to wonder if Amelia hadn’t drowned in it. The sea took a lot of people, it seemed like, and rarely gave them back. She wanted very much to be thinking about something else, talking about something else, not carrying all of this heaviness. But it was what it was. She wanted to touch Spence again, take his hand, ruffle his hair, lean over against his shoulder, but Roxy knew better. This situation was so familiar and yet not at the same time. After a while she looked over at Spence’s profile again. “Thank you for this,” Roxy murmured quietly. “Just ... being here with me.” It was something Caden would never do. Maybe that was an unfair comparison, but it was the truth. Caden was bad at sitting and just being. “I don’t have a lot of friends anymore, and Mila’s got enough pain on her plate already.”
Spence had been lost in his own thoughts until Roxy spoke and when she did, he looked at her, giving her a small, but reassuring smile. "You don't have to thank me for it. It's what friends do." He did wonder why her boyfriend wasn't the one with her tonight, but Caden was more directly connected to Amelia, so maybe he just wasn't in the right state of mind to comfort Roxy. It probably wasn't fair, but Spence wasn't in the position to judge their relationship, or how they did things. "I'm always a phone call or text away, you know. Anytime." That was the least he could do right now. Everything else was out of reach.
Were they friends? That was the goal, Roxy supposed. It was just a difficult one to wrap her mind around at the moment. They hadn’t been friends before they dated, even though she thought friendship had been a good part of their relationship. It had just been so much more to her. I missed you so much. She wanted to say it, it was right on the tip of her tongue, but Roxy just couldn’t. It didn’t matter. It also didn’t matter how much she wanted to just hug him and cry into his shoulder, that couldn’t happen either. “Thanks,” she said again with a faint smile and a nod, even though he’d just told her not to thank him. He still deserved it. “We can go now, if you’re ready. I probably should get home.”
Spence didn't want to rush her off or anything, but he could understand if she felt the need to be home in case Caden needed her. He started up the engine but then reached over to take her hand and give it another squeeze. It felt like there was so many things to say, but it just wasn't right time to say them. If there would ever be a right time. Being home for more than a weekend had been bringing back a lot of memories, but he knew the nostalgia was probably something he needed to keep in the past. It would be too easy to get wrapped up in things that were long over. Everybody had moved on, which seemed to be a bit bittersweet when he thought about it. "Did you drive to the church, or do you need me to drop you off at home?"
Roxy knew Caden didn’t need her, or at least would never let on that he did, she just thought it was probably better for her to be alone for a while. At least not sitting in Spence Wheeler’s truck in a spot where they used to make out. Her throat ached when he took her hand again, and she squeezed back tightly. God, she wanted to kiss it again, bring it to her face, feel him touch her. She needed to go home. If she couldn’t curl up and cling to Caden for the physical affection she was craving, she just needed to not be near anybody. “My car’s at the church, yeah,” she answered, not letting go of Spence’s hand until he needed it to drive. There was no way in hell she could let him take her home, even if she’d had to walk back to Seaview from St. Dismas.
Spence had been driving his truck long enough that he backed out of the space with ease, even with one hand. It helped that there was no one else around, but he was hesitate to release hers. She was still holding onto him, and Spence thought it was pretty clear that maybe she needed the physical contact. Maybe he did too. It was probably wrong on some level, but at the moment, Spence didn't care. He used his free hand to reach over and shift the car into drive, flashing a faint smile at her as he did so, before heading back toward the church. He knew the tiny interlude probably hadn't helped much, but if Roxy needed company, he could at least give her that.